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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
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    139

    Default FSIL...We just CAN'T get along!

    My brother is engaged to my ex-bestfriend. We knew each other for 4 years before they started dating, but it's been downhill ever since. We had our own troubles, but it really started before my wedding in Sept. 2003. At my bach. party, she stole money from me. I know for a fact it was her...people saw her do it. I never said anything, just didn't want to argue. But she was nice enough to buy me lunch with MY money.

    At my reception and she became highly intoxicated and started shouting about how she was "gonna go out like a rock star." She then broke up with my brother because he was dancing with another BM. At my wedding, the focus was on her. Later that night, she threw up in my mother's new car. And worst of all, she never apologized. Being the center of attention and never apologizing are trends, and these are only 2 of over 200 examples of this behavior. She is consistantly stealing my thunder. I'm 6wks. pregnant and am terrified that she'll find out...it would not be unlike her to get pg, too.

    After my honeymoon, things because so strained we couldn't speak to one another. THEN...I became pg. And lo and behold, so did she, two months later...for the 2nd time. During the next 5 months, I heard things come out of her mouth that no feeling person would say about their unborn child. Things about abortion at 5mos, stretch marks, not being "marketable." She was really going through some sort of mental trauma, and I was there 100% of the way...at the hospital, and her house...anytime she needed me.

    Their relationship was strained, but my brother was trying to make it work bc of the baby. When her brother called to say the baby was coming, we rushed to the hosp. He was there 24/7 for 5 days. She wouldn't let the baby eat from a bottle, and he cried non-stop not wanting the breast. When the baby left to go home, there was no father on his birth certificate. She refused to list his name. The child is 12mos. old and has never been alone over night with his father. My brother refuses to go to court for a blood test because he doesn't want to upset her and her take away his son.

    To make a long story short, they are now engaged, and she thinks she's marrying a trust fund. I am not trying to be snotty, but this girl has never been with someone "poor"...and those are HER words. She would not have looked twice at my DH!! This girl is a total scammer, and she is constantly rude and ugly to everyone in my family. My parents have told me to be nice for my brother's sake, but how long should I be run over before I defend myself? Even my parents are now telling me that I should stick up for myself and stop trying to make her like me.

    She most recently wrote a nasty message in my daughter's guestbook. (I keep a website for family out west.) At first, I said nothing, but then I sent her a firm but honestly not ugly Email asking for an apology. My brother just yelled at me, but I feel like I did the right thing. I know he feels caught in the middle, but I refuse to be walked all over.

    SO - How long should I keep my mouth shut for the sake of keeping the peace? No one in my family likes this girl, but we're all too concerened with hurting my brother's feelings than telling him we hope he doesn't marry this girl! What do I do??

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Little Rock, AR
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    Being a member of a toxic family that likes to sweep things under the rug in order to prevent hurt feelings, my advice is to separate yourself from her.. and if your brother gets some hurt feelings, he will learn to deal, just like every other adult has to.

    There is no excuse for writing nasty things in your child's web based guestbook, and you are justified in your reaction. If your brother feels the need to involve himself by yelling at you, remind him that this issue is between you and her, and if he chooses to remain involved, make sure you let him know all sides, and not just her side. If she thinks that he is made of money, she will learn soon enough whether her thoughts are accurate, and if she's after money, and it's not there, she will leave, and even though it's a tough lesson to learn, sometimes you just have to let others (brother) make their mistakes, so they can learn from them.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that as an adult, you get to decide who you keep in your life, and just because she is engaged to your brother, it doesn't mean you have to allow her into your life. If your brother has a problem, explain it to him... but make sure you have specific examples that back up your issues. If he disagrees with you, then let him know that you love him, but even though he is family, you have to do what is best for you and your family. Then I would just leave it alone. Don't be drawn into any fights or arguments.... don't discuss your life with him / her, and ask your family to abide by your wishes. If holidays put you in the same house together, just be as neutral as possible, and if she starts something, tell her that the situation is not appropriate, and walk away.
    Last edited by Hangin'in; 10-10-2005 at 10:10 AM.
    ~ Jen ~
    mommy to A and X
    from here to there * website

  3. #3
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    Jun 2005
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    I would avoid being near her but be polite to keep the peace when you have you have to be in her company. If she insulted me, I would just turn and calmly walk away or politely say,"That was a very hurtful comment," and then walk away. If she tried to continue, I would ignore her completely. As for your brother, if he wanted to have a conversation about his engagement to her, I would be honest, but otherwise I would leave it alone.

    In the end, you have to ask what you want out of the situation. In my opinion, there's really nothing you can do about your brother's relationship or, truthfully, about your ex-friend's behavior. Once you've asked her nicely to be polite, the only thing you can do is limit the contact you have with her and regulate your own reaction to her rudeness. On the other hand, if you want to get into big arguments with her, you can be very confrontational. It's not my style and I doubt it will solve anything, but it's an option some people would choose.

  4. #4
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    Sep 2005
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    just curious, but if this woman is such a horrible, awful person, as you are presenting her to be in your post, how was she your best friend? why would your brother want to marry her? did she just morph overnight into a monster?

    do you really think she got pregnant, altering her entire life and dreams and desires....because of you? and, no offense, but if this woman is such a gold-digger, as you are presenting her to be, then why wouldn't she put your brother's name on the birth certificate? wouldn't she want to milk him for all she could, since he is, "a trust fund"?

    i don't mean to sound like a jerk, i just don't think anyone is a true monster, and, if you were at one time close to this lady, it may be better for you and your whole family if you go back and explore why it was you liked her so much in the first place - and go with that instead.
    Last edited by smartgrrl; 10-10-2005 at 09:47 AM.

  5. #5
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    Jun 2005
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    I completely second everything that Hangin' In had to say!

    My sister lives with a man that my entire family feels negatively towards. He is rude, self-centered, and bigoted. For a very long time, we all decided to "get along" with him to spare my sister's feelings. But you know what? We weren't giving her enough credit...she knew how we all felt. I'm not certain how the others all feel at this point, but I have decided to limit my contact and interactions with him to the extent possible. Yes, they're still together and yes, I love my sister. But lying (about my feelings for him) to her wasn't making anyone happy, and I believe was doing her a disservice. I think you're well within your rights to say to your brother, "I love you and I respect the decisions you've made with regard to his relationship. I'm asking you to respect mine. Although she will always be a part of my life by virtue of you and the child, I am making a choice to limit how much of a part of my life she is." This is tough, tough, tough in the beginning until everyone figures out what that will mean in terms of family functions, etc., but I think it's the only way you can respect your brother and yourself.

    Good luck!

  6. #6
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    Jul 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by smartgrrl
    just curious, but if this woman is such a horrible, awful person, as you are presenting her to be in your post, how was she your best friend? why would your brother want to marry her? did she just morph overnight into a monster?

    do you really think she got pregnant, altering her entire life and dreams and desires....because of you? and, no offense, but if this woman is such a gold-digger, as you are presenting her to be, then why wouldn't she put your brother's name on the birth certificate? wouldn't she want to milk him for all she could, since he is, "a trust fund"?

    i don't mean to sound like a jerk, i just don't think anyone is a true monster, and, if you were at one time close to this lady, it may be better for you and your whole family if you go back and explore why it was you liked her so much in the first place - and go with that instead.
    These are all excellent questions, and I don't think you're being a jerk. That she was my bf is mostly why this is so hard. I've lost her as my friend, but I'm also realizing that I never knew her at all. When we met, she was normal. We were best friends...there were 5 of us, but we were closest to each other. I don't mean to imply that she is a monster, just thoughtless and incredibly hurtful.

    Actually, she didn't "morph" into this over night. Many of our mutual friends have told me that she has always been this way...people that have grown up with her, etc. There were many times along the way when I did see it...like the time @ 5am when she tried to run down her boyfriend, my childhood friend, in the school parking lot or when she was arrested for calling his ex 230 times and hanging up. These are abnormal behaviors that I chose to ignore because we were such good friends.

    I don't believe she altered her entire life to be like me...that would be dumb. What I mean is that she doesn't come from a family like mine...her mother raises her nieces and nephews, they don't have a lot, etc. Nothing that you would be embarassed of, but she is. She has this obsession with forgetting where she comes from in favor of becoming what my family is. She misrepresents herself, and instead of being proud of her family, she pretends they don't exist because they aren't "high" enough. We were in a Bunko group that she didn't attend for 6 months until she was engaged just so she could show off her ring...she's about the wedding and not the marriage.

    Concerning the birth certificate, she left his name off so that he has no paretnal rights and she will tell you that herself. She saw this as "her" child and didn't want him to interfere. He still has no say in how the child is raised. He has admitted himself that he is marrying her because he wants to raise his son, not let the grandmother raise him.

    oshannon Thank you for your reply...I think you know where I'm coming from in terms of how it effects my family.

    I've spoken with my brother since this morning, and he says that he understands where I'm coming from and that we're OK. He says that he has her in his ear and that he doesn't know what to do. He loves his son and just wants to be with him, but he knows I can't be treated like trash.

  7. #7
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    Jun 2005
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    the carolinas
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    I don't really have any advice, but does your brother get to spend anytime alone w/ the child. If he does, can't he take the child in for a paternity test? I mean, if all he wants is to spend time w/ his son, then why does he worry about getting the paternity. He should just do it, then he could sue for parental rights (isn't that correct?).

  8. #8
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    Jul 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by ardathpaige
    I don't really have any advice, but does your brother get to spend anytime alone w/ the child. If he does, can't he take the child in for a paternity test? I mean, if all he wants is to spend time w/ his son, then why does he worry about getting the paternity. He should just do it, then he could sue for parental rights (isn't that correct?).
    My brother doesn't get to spend alone time with the child. He has always tried to remain civil with her so he could see him period, which is why he feels like they need to get married. To have a paternity test, which would be to prove what we already know, she would have to be served papers by a police officer. She lives in a small town, and he simply wants to save her the embarassment.

  9. #9
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    Midwest
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    There's such a thing as being too nice, and I think your brother (god bless him) is the epitome of it in this situation. If this boy is his child, he has the right to spend time with him - without her interference. Is he dead-set that he will not even entertain the thought of seeking custody? It really seems like he's creating a terrible situation just to avoid an uncomfortable one.

    And this has to be taxing on you and your parents. I have sympathy for all of you, as I can imagine it is difficult to have to just sit back and watch this unfold.


    ETA: Is there any chance whatsoever that he is not the father, and that's why he's so reluctant to have a test done?
    Last edited by lawyergirl25; 10-10-2005 at 12:52 PM.

  10. #10
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    Little Rock, AR
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    I realize I could get flamed for this, but I am not of the opinion that people should get married when the only thing they have in common is a child. I don't understand why your brother thinks he should marry her just to be close to his son. The marriage will not be healthy if both people are not committed to making it work... he can't possibly think this is the best solution for the child? (maybe he can ).

    Why can't your brother talk to an attorney that specializes in family law, and see if there isn't some way to set up a visitation schedule? Biological fathers have rights, whether the biological mother would agree or not.


    I posted at the same time Laywergirl did!
    ~ Jen ~
    mommy to A and X
    from here to there * website

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