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  1. #791
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
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    Metrowest Boston
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    8,601

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    honeygirl - As hard as some parts of the visit were, I am glad there were some bright times as well. It is hard when there is time between visits, because they really can age quickly. My mom didn't see my dad aging until the last few months, but I could see it more easily even when my visits were a week apart.

    I started tearing up in the grocery store the other day because I used to (before my dad got sick) play a game of what my dad would look like as a really old man - this is when we all thought he would live well into his 90s. I saw a man at the store and I was thinking that was how I imagined he would have looked, and then I realized that is how he looked in his last weeks.

    As for my mom, her neighbor decided he wouldn't buy her house. He just sent her a voicemail and email and then left on a 10 day holiday. He said it was his situation (and it was the day Brexit was announced and he is British, though I am not sure that had anything to do with it), not her house specifically, and told her he would elaborate after his vacation.

    Last week she went to visit a unit at the retirement community and called me to say she had put a hold on it and had 10 days to make a decision. This was Friday and me and my brother aren't able to visit it until Thursday. Well, in talking to my mother, she is now concerned if she can afford it and she wonders whether she should pick the other community even though she doesn't like it as much. Her thoughts are 100% based on what the Memory Care Unit would cost - she is 100% convinced she will get Alzheimer's. I don't know why she thinks the small memory issues she has (which I haven't witnessed) are anything more than old age. But she isn't sure if her long-term care insurance will cover it at the place she likes. So after we visit it on Thursday, she is meeting with someone there and contacting the insurance company together.

    She was also hesitant because that would mean putting the house on the market in the summer and their house doesn't have air conditioning (the house was built in 1940) so not only is she afraid that would turn off buyers, but the house would be hot to do stuff to prepare to sell (and then to move out). But I am hoping it works out - yes, it would be hard on all of us to get stuff done this summer, but we all need to move on.
    J&D - May 2005 *** E - 8/7/06 *** J - 3/17/09

  2. #792
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Bremerton, WA
    Posts
    2,815

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    Jessybell, I'm sorry to hear that the deal with your Mom's house didn't go through. The short time frame may work to your benefit because everyone will have to focus on getting everything done. No procrastination. Good luck.

  3. #793
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    2,713

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    Honey- I totally understand about it being uncomfortable/unfamiliar. I definitely had more physical contact with my dad during his last weeks than I probably did in the entire 37 years prior. We were never a huggy/touchy family whatsoever, and then my brother and were suddenly bathing him, changing him, etc. It was really something.

    I'm so glad that you're having some some time with him though. As hard is it is, it's so important for all of you.

    jessy- Good luck with the next few days! Your mom is very brave to be moving ahead like this and facing such tough decisions.

  4. #794
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    7,149

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    Honey - I hope your visit home has gone as well as it can. I can't even imagine.

    Jessey - good luck. I'll be curious to hear how it works out.

    AFM. Well, things are changing drastically. Quick refresher: my mom left my dad in 2011, moved to OK where she has sisters. Her health immediately declined. She's on full-time oxygen. In March or so of this year, she broke her arm and we've been paying for a home aide, but thinking it was time to discuss an assisted living facility.

    Fast forward to this past week. She called and told me she has been talking to my dad and she wants to move back in with him. I was not shocked because it is just one more impetuous decision, her efforts to get out of OK and back to CA by any means necessary. There's no romantic love story; it's just convenient. So, my 2 main points to her were 1. Neither of you has changed, you're both just older. 2. If she gives it some thought and REALLY wants to do it, we will pay BUT it is the LAST move we will pay for. She has to be committed to living there and she has no other resources for an alternative arrangement. I offered to put her in assisted living in OK (I said it tactfully, of course) but explained we cannot pay for a similar arrangement in CA because it is too expensive.

    Next I talked to my dad. Despite everything, he has always cared about her and always wanted her back (in his own way). To sum it up, every holiday that he is home alone, he still makes the dishes she would make. He'd actually call her to get the recipes. I explained to him that she is in poor health and will really need him to take care of her and repeated what I told her about being older and this is her last move we will fund.

    She moved swiftly and called me today with the mover's quote and the plan. She is moving all of her crappy furniture back which annoys me since she doesn't need it but we have to pay for moving it. My cousin and her nurse husband, are going to take her car and make sure it is in good condition, new tires, etc (which we will pay for). They will drive my mom back and make stops along the way where she needs to switch out her oxygen tanks. Then, my cousin and her husband will fly home (which we will pay for). And, then we will see what happens.

    For my immediate family, it's great for the obvious reasons: we only have to fly to one place to see both of my parents and it isn't OK but one quick 1.5 hour flight from where we live. Plus, we are happy they won't both be living alone. I'm really not sure how it will go day-to-day for them but we also said we'd try to find someone to come in to help care for my mom or just help out in whatever way they need. Who knows if my dad will go for it, with his pride, etc. It is going to be interesting moving forward, to say the least.

    Sorry for the novel, I haven't really had time to process this all in one sitting.

  5. #795
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    2,661

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    Holy crap Bloom! That is a lot! I hope it all goes well too. You guys are being very generous.


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

  6. #796
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Metrowest Boston
    Posts
    8,601

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    Wow Bloom! I hope it works out for both of them.

    AFM: Last Thursday me and my brother went to visit the unit my mom liked, and she talked to the appropriate people to make sure her long term care insurance would cover her care there when needed. So we all agreed that is where she would move to. She goes today to put down the deposit. She has to have her memory test as well.

    Her house won't go on the market until after Labor Day. Her financial advisors will give her a loan because she will close on the new place in 60 days. So now we are busy de cluttering the house even more. She finally made a choice between the 2 realtors and they already starting staging it. The thought of seeing the house empty this fall is heartbreaking. But I know the move will be good for us all.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    J&D - May 2005 *** E - 8/7/06 *** J - 3/17/09

  7. #797
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    clearly NOT at the cool kids table
    Posts
    9,766

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    Bloom - that IS a lot. But not that unusual. Many couples reunite or stay married simply due to companionship or shred needs. If my parents health had been at all better, they would likely have done so as they were talking about it(they never divorced but lived separately for several years). I hate that you mom is insisting upon moving crap furniture (my dad was at least sensible about that but he was not sentimental at all, but I can also se my mom doing that. All that said, it WILL simplify things for you, and that is worth a lot. I hope it all goes as smoothly as it can.

    Jessey - That is also a lot. How wonderful to have a mother with such foresight. I hope the autumn is not too painful and the new year brings a fresh start.

    AFM, while no longer dealing with aging parents, as I am now 50 and DH is 51, and having buried 4 parents, none of whom planned much for anything, I take the opportunity annually to review our financial plan and make sure all of our documents are in place. This probably belongs in the estate planning thread, but I'll leave it here as it food for thought for others as they are struggling with their parents, they may want to consider their own financial planning.

    We really don't have enough assets to have a financial advisor, especially since I am a CPA, so I tend to handle everything myself. BUT, if I were to die, DH would be challenged to know where everything is and what to do. What I have created is a document, a letter to him, for him to read after I die, which outlines what we have, what we owe, and in very specific detail, gives him an outline of how to handle the life insurance proceeds and monthly management. What to pay off and what to fund from his earnings each month. Attached is a list of all life insurance policies (mine, his, DD's, policy numbers, and contact information for the various holders), as well as a list of all bank accounts and investments (various mutual funds and 401k accounts), and contact information for agents, and other general good o know information. I place a copy in the files with the actual policies, email a copy to my brother (our executor) and give a copy to my sister (DD's guardian, also a legal secretary, so she could help DH. That way, if he and I are both killed, the guardian and the executor have very good information to start the whole process, rather than searching for it through our house. I've shown my sister our file cabinet and filing system, so she could locate everything pretty easily. This is probably a bit overkill, but having been in the opposite situation with our parents, I would rather make things easy!

  8. #798
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
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    7,149

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    I just have to vent and update here. I talked to my mom this morning. She had a list of medical things she needs to buy for the trip and was rattling off numbers. I told her she needed to add it all up and give me the number. I had done the math as she went, but I wanted her to appreciate the actual number and then I repeated back to her all of the expenses we are covering. I wanted to make sure she understood how much it costs to move and that we cannot do this again. Then, I asked her if she had talked to dad about their finances once they get there, how their living expenses will work. She said they would work it out and i said no, she had to call him and discuss it so there are no surprises and she is sure she is making the right decision. I told her we want them to be comfortable and happy but we have limits to what we can give financially. She proceeded to tell me "You guys told me this was the best place for me and I've been miserable for the last 5 years" I stopped her right there and called her out on that bs. She back tracked and said she never said that it was our decision so I repeated back to her what she had just said. She said it wasn't what she meant but she wasn't able to make decisions. It was one of the most convoluted conversations I've ever had. So, of course, I once again made the point that this has to be her decision. She said it was her decision to move to CA. And, once again, I said ok but we cannot afford to fund any more changes.

    So now my dad called me to say they talked money and they will be ok. I'm sure they have no plan and the truth is, we will continue to give her the money we always have as well as, like I said above, pay for some additional care. I just don't want her to make decisions thinking we are going to pay for everything. My dad is also flying out there to help drive back. He brought up how she doesn't need to bring any of her furniture back, just her clothes.

    This is another point to vent about. My mom has a quote from movers to pack and move for $4000. We said we'd pay but I didn't understand what she needed to move back. I said she should get rid of it and she said she isn't physically capable of having a sale. I said don't sell it, just give it away. She said no one needs it so she'd move it back and then get rid of it when she gets there. I told my dad how much we are paying for the movers and he said "that's bs" (the words of course ) so he's going to talk to her. He and I both agree she should just get a little trailer for the back of her car. I said she could replace everything she has for that same amount of money.

    update....he talked to her and is making progress is getting her to agree to that plan. He told her to give it all to a church or some other charity.

  9. #799
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    20,270

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    Bloom: how difficult, I'm sorry. On the other hand, that's kind of awesome. I always halfway wish my parents would decide to do this because at least it would consolidate the crazy. My dad is considering moving to Texas, where my mom lives, although on the other side, but at least they would be somewhat closer together than they are now. That is about my ONLY saving grace in the current situation. But yes, paying $4000 to move a bunch of crap she's going to get rid of is totally pointless.

    AFM: had a near heart attack today when my dad's girlfriend called me, which NEVER happens unless something very bad has happened. And then when I picked up the phone, there was no one there, which was worse. But I was able to connect with my dad and figured out he is fine, and she is having phone issues. Thankfully. He said he is taking a road trip to Texas to visit a friend of his who lives there. It's one of the places he's considering moving (north Texas), although him driving there alone seems like one of the worst ideas I can think of. But obviously I can't stop him. I asked him to keep me updated as his trip progresses. He's leaving Sunday so I'm not able to drop everything and join him. I could possibly go later next week and help him drive back if needed. We shall see.
    isabella noelle :: 12.7.09

  10. #800
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Upstate, NY
    Posts
    16,413

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    Wow, bloom! All can say is that you & your DH are saints!!

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