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  1. #1361
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Metrowest Boston
    Posts
    8,601

    Default

    mcg - wow, what a lot to deal with! My mom felt that handling my father's estate was a full time job for the 1st year, then 12-18 months was preparing to move. Now she is having to deal with the taxes of selling her house of 50 years. A lot of work.

    My mom is/was always a list maker. But she was so overwhelmed with everything she had to do, she got much better at making a list of this is what I HAVE to do today. And then at the end of the day she would actually make another list of what she did do (she put this in a small notebook, also with notes of things that she did do that day) - because usually you throw away the list, or you continuously move stuff from 1 list to another. But by re-writing what she actually did that day, it gave her a sense of accomplishment, and also forced herself to remember things (my mom is 100% sure she is going to get Alzheimer's some day, I don't know why, but she was having periods of forgetfulness through the whole process). but I think it more came from a counselor she was seeing to make sure she was doing things each day (and if she didn't do anything one day, that was okay as long as it didn't happen for an extended period of time). It was so hard not being able to help her mom, but at the same time, and I feel awful for saying this, it wasn't like she was working. Like you, there are things I could do in the evenings and weekends, but you can't call the bank, the accountant, the lawyer, the insurance company, the deed office, etc. in evenings and weekends.
    J&D - May 2005 *** E - 8/7/06 *** J - 3/17/09

  2. #1362
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Upstate, NY
    Posts
    16,413

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    jessey Yes, my mom is a list maker as well -She's had mighty long lists! Things are settling for her some what - there's still some vineyards on her property that she thinks she needs to continue to work and we are trying to convince her that the time & costs are just not going to be worth it. I think she 's still going to do this year and then we'll have to sit down and figure all expenses vs income to see if it's worth it. She thinks she has to to get the agricultural tax rate, but the size of the property should be able to be reduced by almost half this year alone, so I don't think it's going to have to remain at the age tax rate. I told her today that she would not go to the town to tell them to adjust her taxes. Let them do it on their own timeline!

  3. #1363
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    (north of) Boston
    Posts
    6,999

    Default Ailing parents support

    Well, 11 days after I drafted the email to my siblings about our dad, I finally just sent it this morning. It's been tough to pin down my DH because of his schedule but he's working from home this morning so we finally talked, I made some changes to the email based on our talk, and sent it.

    I have to say, I'm feeling very torn about whether we're actually helping our dad - we're avoiding hard conversations and taking care of him/enabling him just as our mom always did. My mom's estate still isn't settled 2+ years after her death, either. Those of you dealing with similar situations are just much further along and while I know logically that every family is different, I feel like we need to step up our game. I'm a nurturer/supporter at heart, though, so I feel torn between everyone. Sigh.
    Last edited by twinnyme; 03-28-2017 at 09:09 AM.
    Melissa & Dave ~ 5/31/03 * Becca ~ 1/14/05 * Bridget ~ 4/9/08 * Allison ~ 1/19/12
    The Mommy (& Everything Else) Journal

  4. #1364
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    7,149

    Default

    twinny - I hope you get the response from your family that you want!! I'm sure it was hard to craft that email.

  5. #1365
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Upstate, NY
    Posts
    16,413

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    twinny As hard as it is to deal with your mom's estate I think that someone really needs to get that done. What will happen if it's still not settled and then he passes away? Maybe someone should visit his attorney with your dad and go over questions like that. Has he removed your mom from his insurance policies at least? If he hasn't and he has a claim the company will issue a claim check in the name of the named insureds on the policy. So if she was a named insured with him a check would get issued in both names.

  6. #1366
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    (north of) Boston
    Posts
    6,999

    Default Ailing parents support

    Thanks, Bloomwood.

    I know, mcgwigan. It's so frustrating. I doubt her name has even been removed from policies yet. I guess that will be a point of discussion, too, when we all sit down with him. I really have no idea what's happened and what hasn't - maybe more than I'm aware of has happened - though I doubt it. I think it's more of a reactive situation vs a proactive one. I don't even know if he has a lawyer! If he does, I presume the person is in NJ. We'll be there in May and if no one else has stepped up in a few weeks I'll get the lawyer's name and make an appointment for when we're there.

    He is healthy so I hope he doesn't pass away anytime soon! Of course, we thought that about my mom, too, and her illness/decline was sudden and swift.
    Melissa & Dave ~ 5/31/03 * Becca ~ 1/14/05 * Bridget ~ 4/9/08 * Allison ~ 1/19/12
    The Mommy (& Everything Else) Journal

  7. #1367
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Upstate, NY
    Posts
    16,413

    Default

    twinny It's always difficult figuring out who should do what. When my dad passed away I told my mom she needed to make someone for POA and make sure her healthcare proxy was set as well. I told her that it was her choice of who, it just needed to be done. I went to all attorney appointments with her to help keep track of info & ask questions. She did make me her POA, which my brother questioned, but OMG, what does it matter, really? You need to make sure he has a will as well. My cousin passed suddenly with no will and it was a long process for my Aunt & Uncle to gain control of her finances and stuff. Her car payment just kept getting sucked out of her account & there was not way for them to stop it.

  8. #1368
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    (north of) Boston
    Posts
    6,999

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    We at least know he has wills. He's given us all sealed signed copies to keep in our homes and it's filed as well (so hmmm he must have a lawyer then....)


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Melissa & Dave ~ 5/31/03 * Becca ~ 1/14/05 * Bridget ~ 4/9/08 * Allison ~ 1/19/12
    The Mommy (& Everything Else) Journal

  9. #1369
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    4,945

    Default

    bloom, how is your mom?

  10. #1370
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    600

    Default

    It seems a little strange to post here given that most of the posters in this have left....but I'm starting down in earnest with my father and I'm feeling so sad. He's going in for surgery for kidney cancer and is being tested for multiple myeloma.

    My mother has always had health issues and is generally difficult so I've always depended on the fact that he's been healthy and now he's not and I'm not sure how to handle all of it.

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