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  1. #1311
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    4,945

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    Bloom, I realize your relationship with your mom is contentious, but try to take a moment to think about what you will need or want in the future. For example, I regret not having an audio recording of my mom. I have lots of pictures so I will always remember what she looked like, but I can barely remember her voice. And that makes me sad. As I said, I know my relationship with my mom was different than yours is with your mom.

  2. #1312
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Upstate, NY
    Posts
    16,413

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    That is a great suggestion ejs! My sister would call my dad's cell phone just to hear his voice and was so sad when my mom turned it off. I have video of him talking that I should find and send to her!

  3. #1313
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    (north of) Boston
    Posts
    6,999

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    I'm glad you're there, Bloom. My thoughts are with you through this very difficult time.
    Melissa & Dave ~ 5/31/03 * Becca ~ 1/14/05 * Bridget ~ 4/9/08 * Allison ~ 1/19/12
    The Mommy (& Everything Else) Journal

  4. #1314
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    7,149

    Default

    I'm getting ready to take the girls over now but I called my cousin who is close with my mom to give her the update. My cousin called her and then called me back to update me on the conversation. My mom told her it's ridiculous that they have her home on hospice. I'm not going to die! Not now. Not for a long time! I'm fine!

    Ugh. I don't know. Maybe it's better?!

  5. #1315
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    8,361

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    It might be better. Ugh, I don't know. I'd probably just say "okay, Mom" and I might ask her what we should name this non-hospice arrangement. It can even be a funny name. Like a family inside joke.

  6. #1316
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    3,719

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    Ugh, bloom. That's so tough. I deal with denial with my parents and it is so frustrating. I've found it's better just to not even argue. I think deep down they have to know. 🙁 I'm thinking of you. I hope transitioning your mom from the hospital to home goes as smoothly as it can. You are a good daughter. Your parents are extremely fortunate to have you, even if they are not able to express that to you.
    Twins! Benjamin and William arrived 3.17.10

    Food Blog: Savory Secrets

  7. #1317
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    20,270

    Default

    I agree, I wouldn't push it. It's happening whether she wants to accept it or not. And it is a lot of information to take in within a matter of days. Everyone knew my FIL was dying, but no one talked about it or even acknowledged it openly until the very last day. It was so odd (to me) but that's how my husband's family is. I didn't tell DD anything other than that nonno was sick until the very very end, either. I'm sorry it is so difficult.
    isabella noelle :: 12.7.09

  8. #1318
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Bremerton, WA
    Posts
    2,815

    Default

    I agree with everyone, Bloom. Let your Mom think what she wants if it makes her happy.

  9. #1319
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    3,309

    Default Ailing parents support

    Bloom keep the stages of death and mourning in mind :
    Denial
    Anger
    Bargaining
    Depression
    Acceptance

    Your mom (and you and your family) will likely go through each of these phases at different rates and not necessarily in that order, but that's the most common order. She's likely just dealing with phase 1, denial, and heading into stage 2, anger. She needs to be allowed to deal with each emotion while not giving her a false sense of hope but provide encouragement, validation and support.
    Last edited by VASLP; 03-21-2017 at 12:56 PM.
    Married 10/16/04
    "If our thoughts are worth a penny, what are our dreams worth?"

  10. #1320
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    7,149

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    Thanks for that list, Vaslp. DH and I were just talking about it last night.

    I see no reason at this point to convince her otherwise.

    Yesterday was so long. I was in the hospital with her from 11-6 when the transport took her home. The intake nurse met us there and that took 2 more hours. I saw first glimpses of the denial when we were discussing DNR. She had said yes in the hospital but then was maybe second guessing it and it sent her over the edge last night. She ultimately said yes to it again. She said she wanted me to have the final say. Ugh. I said I wasn't sure that's the best plan given I'm not here day to day. She finally said it would be me or my dad.

    She we were all done after the nurse left so I left right away.

    This morning I took the girls over and we met the first visiting nurse there. I could tell my mom was still in denial and just playing along nicely. She is till e haunted so we only stayed an hour. We are taking dinnner and groceries over for an early dinner and then we are taking the girls to see Beautiy and the Beast. We will see them again tomorrow before we leave. The girls are ok. I haven't said outright to them the timing but just that she's very sick and is not going to get better.

    I know I said it before but I'm happy to have this place to vent. I've been sharing all the details with DH but to helps to process by writing them out and get your insights. He's had good advice in my relationship with my mom so it's nice to have all sides.

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