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  1. #1001
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
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    2,713

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    I finally just ordered the monument for my dad's grave, 10 months after he died. There is a small, flat granite placemarker there, but we just ordered the actual headstone. The delay has been for all sorts of reasons, mostly having to do with sadness and my brother having a really, really hard time with everything. I thought we were in time for it to be placed before winter, but I was wrong. The earliest it can be installed now is mid-April. I feel absolutely horrible. And irresponsible. And like a bad daughter to leave his spot blank once the snow falls.

    Had I known mid-October was the cutoff for installations I would have made sure we got it done sooner.

  2. #1002
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    20,270

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    Ugh, semily. So sorry you missed the cut off. But don't feel like a bad daughter. You are doing the best you can in a difficult situation. I'm sure your dad would understand that.
    isabella noelle :: 12.7.09

  3. #1003
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    6,406

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    Not a bad daughter Semily, you are doing what is best for you your entire family (considering bro's grief/needs) and your dad would understand. He is still remembered whether the marker shows above the snow this winter or not. Big hugs!
    babygirl 10-29-07
    baby sister 7-17-11

  4. #1004
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    7,149

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    I'm sorry Semily. I'm sure your dad would understand. Agree with honey that he is still remembered. hugs.

    I haven an interesting one. My mom told me she went in for an MRI and just got the results back. The dr. told her she has black spots on her lungs and he wants to go in for exploratory surgery to determine if it's cancer. She said no. She said "it's just like your uncle. He was fine until that dr went in and opened him up. I say, if it's not broken, don't fix it." I mean, she was a smoker for over 50 years (may still be) and is on full-time oxygen for COPD. It's not exactly a surprise that she might have lung cancer. It's also not a surprise that she doesn't want to figure it out but I'm struggling with whether or not she truly understands the situation. I'm sure we will find out more when we go down next week. Maybe, maybe not.

  5. #1005
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Upstate, NY
    Posts
    16,413

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    semily You are NOT a bad daughter! There's a temporary marker and you have no control over the scheduling! You are doing the best you can! I'm sure your dad is fine with it!

    bloomwood I can't say I disagree with your mom. So many times I know a person that finds out they have cancer and it's basically a death sentence. Sometime they opt to treat it to try to stave it off and results are not always good. It's such a hard decision: do you treat aggressively and decrease the quality of life that you have left? Or do you opt not to and try to enjoy what time you have? It's so difficult! Hugs to you!

  6. #1006
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Metrowest Boston
    Posts
    8,601

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    semily - Don't beat yourself up over it - your father would understand. There is a marker there that people can visit.

    MIL passed away in FL in November (4 years ago) and would be buried (cremated) in VT - We had to wait until Spring and it wasn't until June that SIL could make it up here. So she held on to the ashes for 7 months.
    DH continues to be upset the SMIL refuses to bury FIL (its been 2 1/2 years). He didn't express his desires in writing and even though in his final days he said which cemetery he wanted to be buried in, SMIL is doing what she wants, which is to keep his ashes at home (in a nice granite box). DH no longer has a real relationship with her - his worst fear is she will pass away and he won't know and the ashes will be lost.
    J&D - May 2005 *** E - 8/7/06 *** J - 3/17/09

  7. #1007
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Bremerton, WA
    Posts
    2,815

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    Semily, you are so not a bad daughter. Your Dad knows why you haven't been able to put a permanent maker up and he understands.

  8. #1008
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    3,719

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    semily- You are NOT a bad daughter! I agree with everything the others have said.

    Bloom- It's so hard when we feel our parents aren't taking action/taking things seriously. I deal with the same with my parents.
    Twins! Benjamin and William arrived 3.17.10

    Food Blog: Savory Secrets

  9. #1009
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    4,749

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    Hugs semily, that sucks. But I agree with the others: he would understand. But I would also be upset, so I certainly understand.

    Jesseybell, that's pretty upsetting thinking his ashes could "disappear" if she died. No chance a lawyer couldn't make something happen since it was in writing?

    Bloom, that sucks. It doesn't sound good at any rate. I'll think of her, especially when you go chat with her to figure things out!


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Married 7.3.04 Henry 10.29.08 Charlie 11.19.11

  10. #1010
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Upstate, NY
    Posts
    16,413

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    My mom has yet to do anything with my dad's ashes. He wanted them spread on a specific piece of property. My brother jump all over me when I asked her if she wanted to plan anything.

    My mom is selling her house and !moving into a house she had been renting out. I was completely shocked at the condition of the house. DH took a walk around it with me and checked out the basement and advised her to not put a cent into it because it needs a vast amount of work. My brother & uncle decided to go forward and renovate the bathroom and kitchen to make it habitable. DH really didn't want anything to do with it and my brother was all ticked over it, so dh finally relented and said he could do the drywall. DH just talked to my uncle today & my uncle admitted he's in way over his head with it. I'm certain that DH is going to put in way more time & money down there than he wanted to as a result and my brother is always going to find something to be resentful about. It's a sucky situation. They have to have that house done by January because she's going to have to move.

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