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  1. #11
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    It's all about validating their emotions and feelings. I do that sometimes but probably not often enough.
    I know that I personally struggle with this big time! I've read how important it is to validate their feelings but there is a huge part of me that is like, "I don't care about your feelings..... you need to do XYZ because I said so and I AM THE BOSS!!" I have issues

    Seriously though, this parenting gig is exhausting. I know these books and articles are out their to help us, but it all feels so overwhelming at times. I often think it was easier for older generations to parent, before there were all of these books on how to parent well, the right way to parent, what NOT to say, etc.
    S+B Est. 11.09.02
    DS1 06.28.06, DD 07.23.08
    DS2 03.07.12

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by steviem View Post
    I know that I personally struggle with this big time! I've read how important it is to validate their feelings but there is a huge part of me that is like, "I don't care about your feelings..... you need to do XYZ because I said so and I AM THE BOSS!!" I have issues

    Seriously though, this parenting gig is exhausting. I know these books and articles are out their to help us, but it all feels so overwhelming at times. I often think it was easier for older generations to parent, before there were all of these books on how to parent well, the right way to parent, what NOT to say, etc.
    Yes and yes to both your points! You're a kid, you don't get to have feelings on the subject, you just do what I say! I so wish I was a parent in the 70s and 80s. lol

    That being said, I have actually started considering taking the Positive Parenting class that is offered in our town because I am beyond sick of the power struggles. I'll have to check out this book. Of course, right now we are on an upswing and I feel like things have been "easy" lately. I probably just jinxed myself! I don't know about you guys, but I am always surprised when I have these moments where I'm like, "Wow, that was easy. He didn't even argue with me!" which to me means that arguing is the norm if I'm surprised he didn't argue. :/

  3. #13
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    Bloom - I think the book would suggest the following (but I read the book once yesterday, so don't hold me to this!!!)

    Option 1 - avoid the whole battle and have her do the homework after dance.

    Option 2
    In the car on the way to dance:
    "It must be frustrating when you have to do your homework at YDD's dance class, when you'd rather watch her dance."

    ODD responds, probably saying yes.

    "It sure is fun to watch her dance, I like watching her dance too. Do you have any ideas that would make it easier for you to get your homework done while we're at dance?"

    She feels validated, and feels supported, and now she has the chance to figure out how to solve the problem in a way that works for her.

    Might work????

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by LeslieR View Post
    Yes and yes to both your points! You're a kid, you don't get to have feelings on the subject, you just do what I say! I so wish I was a parent in the 70s and 80s. lol

    That being said, I have actually started considering taking the Positive Parenting class that is offered in our town because I am beyond sick of the power struggles. I'll have to check out this book. Of course, right now we are on an upswing and I feel like things have been "easy" lately. I probably just jinxed myself! I don't know about you guys, but I am always surprised when I have these moments where I'm like, "Wow, that was easy. He didn't even argue with me!" which to me means that arguing is the norm if I'm surprised he didn't argue. :/
    I struggle with this too. And I felt ridiculous at first, but it did work, especially with one of my sons.

    And I honestly think my boys just don't have the personalities to blindly obey. They are not naturally cooperative or people pleasers. I think back in the day, they would have been the kids that would have had to have been beaten into submission. Obviously not cool, but I think that is what happened back then to kids like mine.
    Twins! Benjamin and William arrived 3.17.10

    Food Blog: Savory Secrets

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gia View Post

    And I honestly think my boys just don't have the personalities to blindly obey. They are not naturally cooperative or people pleasers. I think back in the day, they would have been the kids that would have had to have been beaten into submission. Obviously not cool, but I think that is what happened back then to kids like mine.
    That's DS1. He would make an excellent lawyer because he will argue you do death. DS2 is so much easier in that regard.

  6. #16
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    Haven't read the book, but just wanted to comment on the gifted thing:

    Quote Originally Posted by Pine Tree View Post
    at this is the year kids in our school system get identified as gifted, which is a pull out one day a week program. Last year out of the 15 or so grade 2 classes in our district, about 10 were identified as gifted (I think, might be a bit more, but not many)
    Is it possible that your DD is "gifted" but just did not meet the criteria for your district's particular program? I mean, there is a GAI (General Abilities Index) score that is generally considered gifted for most school programs and then there is the score that you'd have to meet for a more selective program. Your program might be more selective. There is a whole range of "gifted."

    Quote Originally Posted by dragonfly_71 View Post
    I personally don't think being gifted does anything for you in terms of happiness. It makes everything so much more difficult when you are always the only one who sees the flaws in the design or the fallacies in the arguments and no one else gets it. And when they finally catch up with you two years later it's like "holy freakin moly didn't I tell you exactly what would happen when we first started this nonsense?"
    Quote Originally Posted by Gia View Post
    I don't believe my children are gifted (at least not in the typical academic sense!) They have an amazing vocabulary and are so imaginative and creative, but they do not show any amazing academic aptitude so far. I am fine with that, for the reasons Dragonfly mentioned.
    This is what being "gifted" might be for some, but definitely not for all.

    This article is very interesting. Note the "challenging" category.

    I am not even really that for/against "gifted" labeling, and I am someone whose son was labeled "gifted" but our school doesn't even have a single G&T service at the elementary level and I'm HAPPY about that.

    BUT...I have to say how life-changing it was when DS1's neuropsych explained about DS1 being gifted. (He also has attention and impulse control issues, so it's a mixed bag, but it's not uncommon for those things to go together.) After SO MANY STRUGGLES it just helped me so much to completely turn my thinking around when it came to him. For example:

    DS1 is extremely creative (as most gifted kids are) and has a plan in his head of what he wants to do. A plan that he can't even always express or execute, but he takes his plan so seriously. DS2 has always played with toys so differently. I used to say DS1 was born to build and DS2 was born to destroy. I can't tell you how much we battled through the years. And the yelling! "Why can't the two of you just get along!?!?" And DS1 would hit DS2, etc. My mom used to say that DS2's head probably had divots all over it from being hit with cars and blocks.

    The very same week we got DS1's diagnoses, I was able to stop with the first argument and say, "You know, it looks like you were building something really interesting, and I bet you had a plan to finish this, and maybe you even wanted to come back to it later. And N isn't playing with this car world the way you want him to, is he?" Life-changing stuff!

    I just think that a lot of the sensitive/creative/over- or under-stimulated/"challenging" and "gifted" kids share certain attributes. And I'm not saying that all the challenging kids are gifted or that all kids should be tested. I'm just saying that once I learned to see the positive under DS1's challenging behaviors, it really helped me parent him. Underneath all of that is a very creative kid.

    I have posted this quote before, but this Pearl Buck quote has been so helpful to me with DS. I believe so much of our struggles through the years have been because I am getting him to do XYZ and his mind just wants to be doing something else -- not necessarily because he is defiant, but because he is creative/craves reading/being outside/lost in imagination, etc.

    “The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him... a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create -- so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.”
    Last edited by Taurus; 09-25-2014 at 10:47 AM. Reason: forgot link

  7. #17
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    Is it possible that your DD is "gifted" but just did not meet the criteria for your district's particular program? I mean, there is a GAI (General Abilities Index) score that is generally considered gifted for most school programs and then there is the score that you'd have to meet for a more selective program. Your program might be more selective. There is a whole range of "gifted."
    DD's school district does the testing at the end of this year (grade 2), so none of this has happened yet. Which is why I feel so grateful that I was able to work through all of this now, before the school does the testing/identifying.

    The very same week we got DS1's diagnoses, I was able to stop with the first argument and say, "You know, it looks like you were building something really interesting, and I bet you had a plan to finish this, and maybe you even wanted to come back to it later. And N isn't playing with this car world the way you want him to, is he?" Life-changing stuff!
    This is exactly what the book advocates

  8. #18
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    Got it, PineTree. I must have misread (or just misunderstood!)

    Gia, this item from this list about gifted children made me think of your comment about "back in the day."

    Gifted children are asynchronous. Their development tends to be uneven, and they often feel out-of- sync with age peers and with age-based school expectations. They are emotionally intense and have greater awareness of the perils of the world. They may not have the emotional resources to match their cognitive awareness. They are at risk for abuse in environments that do not respect their differences.**
    The other thing I wanted to mention is that I think many very bright and sensitive (gifted or not -- whatever!) kids are introverted. Even if we ourselves are introverted, many of us have had to learn to get by in an extroverted world or to "act like" an extrovert. I think that not matching up with your kid on the intro/extrovert plane can be a huge source of conflict for parents/kids. I think I am a mostly extroverted person who sees some of DS1's introversion as rudeness and that I have not always respected it. And DH is an introverted person who can "act extroverted" for work. I know that we need to read the book "Quiet" to perhaps better understand DS1.

    ** People may think these gifted kids are more mature than peers, but they are often much less so. This is so true for DS1. All these "little professor" tendencies and phrases but with delayed emotional maturity.

  9. #19
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    Taurus: first, that is a beautiful quote. Second, I completely agree about the diagnosis being life-changing. I think I wrote about it in the education thread. DD1 hadn't even gone through testing yet but just having the conference with her teachers who said "something was going on" was so liberating for me. It put in perspective all of the struggles I'd had with her (and still do). It made me much more patient but that does take constant work on my part and I have to remember that there are things she just can't do.

    It has changed the struggles somewhat. A couple of weeks ago when all of the after school classes started, I made both girls a weekly calendar with their after school classes and what they needed to pack each day. Yesterday, I told ODD no less than 3 times in a 20 minute period not to forget her piano books (and they are on her calendar). She still didn't remember them. YDD, otoh who is 2 yo+ younger, has her bags packed everyday without needing a reminder. But, interestingly, I don't think YDD is as smart as ODD.

  10. #20
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    DS is so very different from most other children. It's awesome most of the time but sometimes it's exhausting. If I would use any of these examples given, on him, he would make this "church lady" face and ask me if I read that in Parenting Magazine. That is a way though for me to diffuse a situation. He calls it "parent speak" and is usually on to us. But it also makes him laugh. I think we don't experience too many negative sides because he is an only child. We mostly get along as a family and enjoy each other's company. But if you were to throw a sibling in the mix, I think all heck would break loose.

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