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  1. #1
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    Default Parenting without Power Struggles - the book

    Has anyone read "Parenting without power struggles" and want to discuss it? I read it yesterday and a whole bunch of things really clicked for me. I don't think that everything she says is on track, but a bunch of things really, really hit home for me.

    For example, one of the things that I have REALLY been struggling with is that this is the year kids in our school system get identified as gifted, which is a pull out one day a week program. Last year out of the 15 or so grade 2 classes in our district, about 10 were identified as gifted (I think, might be a bit more, but not many). Ever since DD was 6 months old people have been saying DD is gifted -- occupational/physical therapists, pediatrician, family, friends, kindergarten teacher etc... I was in a full-time gifted program for elementary school, and DH would have been if it had been available. I have felt this incredible pressure for DD to be identified and I've felt like a craptacular parent for feeling that way, because I know it it doesn't matter and in my heart all I really want is for DD to be happy and enjoy learning.

    This morning I worked through my thoughts on this using the ideas in the book, and I literally felt this great weight off my shoulders.

    Just wondering if anyone else has read it - I think I heard about the book here in fact.

    ETA

    Here's the website link: http://parentingwithoutpowerstruggles.com
    Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-With...ower+struggles
    Last edited by Pine Tree; 09-25-2014 at 08:47 AM.

  2. #2
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    One more thing -- DD was getting upset yesterday because she wanted to watch another tv show and I said no and she got upset. Normally I would have started listing all of the reasons why she shouldn't watch another show, which would just result in a battle of arguments. Instead I thought about the book and just started reflecting back her frustrations "you must really want to watch another show . . . it's frustrating when you really want to do something and you can't do it, isn't it ...." And lo and behold she started to cry (the author calls it the Wall of Futility) and then her tears ended and I asked her if she wanted to go out and play soccer with me for 20 minutes before I made dinner and she said yes. I just about fell of the couch in surprise that she had accepted the no more tv thing and was able to move though her frustration.

  3. #3
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    I just realized I heard about it on this blog, not here

    http://momastery.com/blog/2014/09/17...wer-struggles/

  4. #4
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    I had read about it on Momastery as well, but haven't read the book yet. I need to get on that! The constant battles in my home are so draining for all of us.
    S+B Est. 11.09.02
    DS1 06.28.06, DD 07.23.08
    DS2 03.07.12

  5. #5
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    I haven't read the book but I just zeroed in on something you said that has been on my mind. I find interesting that you actually want your daughter to be identified as gifted because I've been dreading it and pretty much had my head in the sand. I knew it was coming because the gifted resource at DS's school had pretty much told DH back in kindergarten that she more or less unofficially tested DS and there was no doubt in her mind that he met the criteria. Not that I don't want him to be smart but I would so much rather have him on an average level. I personally don't think being gifted does anything for you in terms of happiness. It makes everything so much more difficult when you are always the only one who sees the flaws in the design or the fallacies in the arguments and no one else gets it. And when they finally catch up with you two years later it's like "holy freakin moly didn't I tell you exactly what would happen when we first started this nonsense?"

  6. #6
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    This was one of the things that I really tapped into with this book. Trying to figure out WHY I had internalized all of this pressure. It is a huge deal to my circle of professor friends, in fact many of them had their kids retested because they couldn't believe their kids weren't gifted. I don't want to be that parent, I want to love my child for who they are, not because of something that a test that I don't even agree with says.

    So using the book I thought about why DD SHOULDN'T be identified as gifted: she'd miss out on one day a week of regular school and her friends, she would always be trying to catch up with missed work, I know a lot of teachers don't like the program, some of the teachers feel like it's a burn against them that they aren't able to provide for their own students, that in fact the districted gifted program scores low on the state testing for "value added", that other kids may tease her, and that I don't think she really needs the so-called "enrichment" to be happy at school. And the light bulb went on for me here.

    And then I thought about why I felt this pressure, and realized that it was about not wanting to disappoint all of these people in our lives who have said she's gifted. And it suddenly struck me, that it's total nonsense. Of course they won't be disappointed, because DD will still be the awesome kid she is.

    This may all sound totally obvious to everyone else, but it wasn't to me until I started thinking it through with this book. I never cared, but I felt like I (not DD, but I) would be disappointing people, because it comes up so much. And now I've realized that's not true in the least.

    I can't tell you how free I feel

  7. #7
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    I do want to add that I think the best thing about the book is how to defuse battles. It's definitely going to take practice. If anyone else reads it, I think it would be really helpful to have some real life examples of putting it into practice - I found those were the best parts of the book, but she seems to oversimplify the scenarios a bit to fit them into the book.

  8. #8
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    Pinetree- I just ordered the book for my kindle. I read "Raising Your Spirited Child" last year (my boys' teacher lent it to me) and it sounds like some of the tactics mentioned in that book are similar. I did have success when I implemented them. We are having some not listening issues/power struggles again this fall. I am curious to read this book (and probably should re-read the spirited child book). I will be back once I finish it!

    I don't believe my children are gifted (at least not in the typical academic sense!) They have an amazing vocabulary and are so imaginative and creative, but they do not show any amazing academic aptitude so far. I am fine with that, for the reasons Dragonfly mentioned. But I can see why you have put that pressure on your daughter and yourself based on your background.
    Twins! Benjamin and William arrived 3.17.10

    Food Blog: Savory Secrets

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pine Tree View Post
    I do want to add that I think the best thing about the book is how to defuse battles. It's definitely going to take practice. If anyone else reads it, I think it would be really helpful to have some real life examples of putting it into practice - I found those were the best parts of the book, but she seems to oversimplify the scenarios a bit to fit them into the book.
    I will need to read it then, definitely. In our case DS is just as argumentative as I am (and I'm pretty sure on some level smarter than DH and I combined)
    and he and I could debate a point for hours if DH wouldn't run interference.

  10. #10
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    I definitely need to check out this book. My whole parenting existence with ODD is a power struggle. I plan entire days around how to avoid it. For example, today I pick them up from school and YDD has dance from 3:40-4:40 and ODD has dance somewhere else 4:25-5:00. ODD has to come with me to YDD's dance and then I'll take her to her dance, go back and get YDD and then back to get ODD. (Fun, no?!). Anyway, I KNOW that ODD will want to just watch YDD do her dance class but she actually needs to use the time to do her 1 page of easy math homework so she doesn't have to do it after her dance class. I told her on the way to school today "I need you to do your hw at YDD's dance class. I don't want you to complain when I tell you to do it." That's at 8 am I'm planning for a conversation at 3:45.

    I'm gathering that according to this book, my conversation at 3:45, when yes, ODD is pushing back about her hw, I should say "I understand you would rather watch ODD do her dance class, but if you can spend 5 minutes doing your homework, you'll be able to spend more time watching her" It's all about validating their emotions and feelings. I do that sometimes but probably not often enough.

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