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Thread: Sexual Abuse

  1. #1
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    Jun 2005
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    Default Sexual Abuse

    Feeling overwhelmed and needing to purge my soul...

    I was molested by my dad's college-aged cousin when I was little - probably started when I was in kindergarten and ended sometime in 2nd grade. He was attending the university from Mexico. It started with "games" that would be played and progressed to oral sex and eventually attempted full-on penetration. Of course, the usual "don't tell your parents or you'll get in trouble/they won't love you" ploys were used.

    And for a long time I didn't tell anyone. When I was about 12, I was watching TV when a news program did a feature on sexual abuse - it just made me realize what had happened to me. I went to my room crying - when my mom came in to see what was wrong, I told her that my dad's cousin had touched me and "spanked me", but I couldn't bring myself to elaborate and my mom didn't continue the questioning.

    In 10th grade, I confided in my best friend and that was it. If it comes up in conversation with anyone I have no problem sharing my story. My husband knows about it, but doesn't ask questions and doesn't bring it up.

    The other day, I was talking with my mom about my weight and she said something that really took me back and shook me. She said "you should see a therapist about it, people who have been abused tend to have trouble losing weight." (Something to that effect.) It was the first time since I've been an adult (or ever for that matter) that she's acknowledged that I was hurt.

    Now, there is a really powerful article in the currect issue of Backpacker magazine of all places, about a woman who survived years of incest by her step-father (the only father she had known.) Anyway, it was just another reminder...

    When I was younger, I wasn't promiscuous (as a matter of fact, I didn't have sex until I was in my 20's,) though I was sexual (lots of self-exploration!) and I did tend to drink A LOT, explored drugs (pot mostly), and smoked. I was a smart girl, but an average student (mostly because I didn't do the work.) The only thing that kept me on (mostly) the right path, was responsibility to my mom.

    I know my life is still effected by the sexual abuse I endured, but I don't know how to fix it. Some of those things are:

    - fear of getting pregnant because what if I, like many other abuse victims, become abusers, too (though I can't even fathom it, it is still a fear and I wonder how much of this has contributed to our inability to get pregnant.)
    - fear of being desired (I actually get annoyed when my husband tells me how much he wants me)
    - fear of losing control (over pretty much anything)
    - fear of emotional closeness/intimacy
    - fear of intimacy (I pretty much have to drink to allow myself to enjoy sex anymore and I don't enjoy drinking much anymore, so sex is pretty rare these days)

    I am very self-aware and recognize where my problems stem from, but I just don't know how to fix them.

    I'm usually a loving, warm, positive person, but it's been harder to be that person. Lately, I feel angry, just generally angry, and I hate that.

    I just needed a little soul purging. If you've dealt with this sort of thing, I would love to hear how you've overcome.

  2. #2
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    I wanted to offer my support and hugs. There are many women on these boards who have been through similiar things. You are a strong women for being able to share your story and by sharing your story you make others realize that they arent aone.
    Kristen & Jason 5/19/06
    Our Peanut has arrived 5/20/09
    Our Bean has arrived 11/30/11

  3. #3
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    I appreciate you sharing your story because you don't know how many people you've touched by being so open and honest.

    I hope that there are others who can share with you how they overcame some of the fears you have. I'm sure you getting it out there in the open is just the first step of what I hope will be more steps of healing to come.
    "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. I Samuel 1:27
    My miracle boy, Trey Marcellus: 11/21/2012

  4. #4
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    *deleted*
    Last edited by maxandmolly; 01-04-2008 at 05:52 PM.

  5. #5
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    I wanted to come in and give you my support. What you wrote about fear of losing control over most anything really struck me. This has been, what I believe, one of the biggest problems in my relationship-romantic and otherwise. Once I feel like I'm losing control, forget it. I'm like a trapped animal and I come out with my claws out and fangs bared, so to speak. I also struggle with my body image. I've heard different theories on that (being a military brat, being raped by a figure in the military, the rape, etc..)

    I've always been really open about many aspects of my life, but the rape (I was 11 when it happened) is something I don't talk about often. I didn't tell anyone until right before my 15th birthday and it was four years of keeping it inside when I could've been dealing with it. I went to therapy (as a teenager) for awhile, but I HATED talking about it. I also didn't like the way the therapist wanted me to deal with it-beating pillows and yelling and screaming at them. I was too young as a kid in high school to know that other therapists could and would let me work on it in a manner that was constructive for me.

    I know we all deal with our abuse in different ways. I never got involved in drinking and drugs, but I was promiscuous. It was like I had the power and the control over men and I got off on that. I don't fear sex or being physically close with someone, but I never fully trust. And I know that my relationships suffer for it. On top of that I go in with the expectation that the other person should just accept it because while I will trust in many ways, I won't ever trust fully. It's not fair, and I know it. It's on me to grow up and change that about myself. (I just had this conversation with the person I'm seeing, as a matter of fact.)

    I've started therapy as an adult, a few times. I never follow through. I don't know why. When it comes to the rape, it is just so hard to talk about. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I am not ashamed by the act of what happened to me, but I am not proud of my actions in dealing with what happened.

    I'm not sure if I really answered your question, but I just want you to know you're not alone. It's huge that you recognize it, and maybe if you feel comfortable talking to someone you can seek out a therapist who will help you. I know you've made me take pause, and maybe I'll get the nerve to go back to talk to someone. I know I need to, I just don't want to. And right now I think what I need to do is more important.

    You have a lot of people here supporting you. You're really, really brave to write what you did. You've also helped more women here, even if you didn't realize that's what you were doing.

    ~H.

  6. #6
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    I don't have any words of wisdom because I haven't been able to work through my own problems with this. Like others, I have been to therapy and didn't want to talk about it, so I quit. I don't want therapy for it now. I do want it to stop coming into my mind and feeling mad and sickened. I'm not sure that will ever happen since it's been well over ten years even since the trial.

    What really strikes me about what other posters have said and what I'm saying is that several of us have been in therapy to help deal with the issue but end up quitting without resolution. Just an observation.

    - fear of getting pregnant because what if I, like many other abuse victims, become abusers, too (though I can't even fathom it, it is still a fear and I wonder how much of this has contributed to our inability to get pregnant.)
    I know it's scary to think that you could continue the cycle of abuse. But the thing is, you are probably hyper-aware of what is and is not appropriate, so have a little faith in yourself.

    Sending you good thoughts!
    I am yours, you are mine 11/13/04
    What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy 04/27/09
    What a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl 05/18/12

  7. #7
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    I think that sharing your story is a powerful and brave step towards healing. I hope that you are able to find peace through sharing your story and the advice that you have received from others so far. Please know that you are not alone. We are sending good thoughts your way!

  8. #8
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    I so appreciate everyone's comments and support. If it's ok, I just need some time to digest everything - I'm a bit overwhelmed by the support to be honest. I just wanted you to know that I've read everything and will come back when I've had time to process.

    Thank you for your support, my long-distance buddies.

  9. #9
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    Of course! Just know when you're ready, you have a lot of people here for you. Take good care of yourself, and take all the time you need!

    ~H.

  10. #10
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    You're not alone. I was molested by 4 different men, from the age of 5- 12.

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