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  1. #21
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    Jul 2005
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    Hi gang, I'm back!

    And I realized that I never did update my own info on this thread, because at first it was too painful and then I got distracted. Sadly, our first match with the bmom of twins due in September failed in late July. She had seemed very firm in her decision, but I think she was under a lot of pressure from her family and finally decided she wanted to parent. The twins are due soon, if not here already, and I really hope she and they are doing well.

    Fortunately, after a pretty sad 7 weeks (at least we did go ahead with a trip to Provence and the French Alps which we had thought we would have to cancel when the twins were expected, and the trip helped a little), we got great news yesterday--we're matched again!

    The prospective bmom is due in early November; she and the father live in Florida--they are roommates, but not a couple. Unlike with our previous match, everyone who possibly could be on board with the adoption is on board this time: mother, father, his family, her family,and their friends. We'll be doing a conference call with them early next week, after all our paperwork is in, and they have said that they would very much like us to be at the hospital when the baby is born. (Gender is unknown.) They would also be interested in our flying down there to meet them beforehand, if we can make it work in the short timeframe before the birth.

    It's funny: I am thrilled beyond words, but not bouncing off the walls with excitement the way I was with our first match--and I think that's good. I feel this sort of sense of calm and confidence about this match, whereas the first one was so fast, and so "fairy-tale" (boy-girl twins?) that it seemed to good to be true, which of course it turned out to be. Something about this match just feels solid, and both my DH and I feel that kind of excitement that seems "sustainable," if that makes any sense.

    Fortunately, we continued to work on our gender-neutral nursery during this period that we were waiting to be matched again, so we won't have to absolutely kill ourselves with work between now and November.

    So--YAHOOOOOOO!

    Meantime, I have to go catch up on what's going on with everybody else. Glad to see this thread growing!

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
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    Catching up...

    Bella, wow! I so feel for you. It must have been the hardest thing in the world to turn down that match, but I understand why. Shortly after we were matched with the twins, I heard that one couple with our agency adopted all-girl triplets, and I thought, "Wow, I don't know if we could take that on!"

    We also had to turn down a match before this one. A teenage girl found us on our agency's Web site and specifically asked about us when she called them, looking to place her 15-month-old daughter. She had been struggling to raise her for over a year and had realized she couldn't do it; her family was supportive of the adoption, and they all really loved our profile. I felt like the worst person in the world saying no, but like Diana, we are very much wanting to adopt an infant with our first child at least. I was also really worried about how traumatizing the separation was going to be for this child at her age, and didn't know if as first-time parents my DH and I would be equipped to handle it. So sadly we said no.

    Diana, you should seriously contact my agency (American Adoptions, the one whose fees have been posted here). I think you'd have a baby in seconds--I know that one mixed-race couple (he's black, she's white) who appeared on the parent profiles section had the "Congratulations, recent adoption!" banner up within about a week of their first appearance, which is record time. They frequently have African-American or multiracial African-American babies that they're seeking placements for on their "Category A" situations page, which is "adoptive families needed now." If you have a home study already, there are three situations listed there now that you might be a perfect adoptive family for. If you don't yet have a home study, you could probably adopt almost as soon as you get one done.

    We seriously considered adopting an African-American or mixed-race A-A baby; to this day I don't know if we made the right decision to opt out of that. My concerns were twofold: first, I know that even in the black community there is a lot of dispute over Caucasian families (my husband and I are both pretty pasty) adopting black children and whether we can possibly give them the kind of exposure to the black community and their heritage as African-Americans that we should. While I'm quite prepared to tell white racists to go screw themselves, I am less prepared to take on a large (and at least somewhat respectable, since I know it's a position of the National Association of Black Social Workers) movement within the black community. Second, I worried that two white parents just wouldn't have the "life experience" or understanding to help an African-American child cope with the unique burdens of racism that black kids still face in today's America. I could comfort my child if he or she was picked up for "driving while black," but could I ever say, "I get it. I've been there. I know how you feel"? And would I be able to prepare my child for what he or she might face when I have no experience of it myself?

    We may have been wrong, but we both felt that we didn't have the kind of life experience we needed to be parents in that situation.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    New York
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    Gina- I was wondering where you were. I am really sorry that the first match didn't work out. I would be devistated too. It's been really difficult for me lately turning down all 4 calls within a one month period. I just keep saying to myself "The right call will come in soon." Triplets would be bitting off more than we can chew. Although when we were going through IVF and 3 embies were transfered, DH & I knew the chances were slim to none that we would end up with triplets. It was a chance that we took in order to up the % rate of pregnancy. But again, it's way different when you actually have a choice to say no without having to make the decision of reduction. I am so happy you got matched up again. You are probably doing the right thing by approching the situation with caution. I would have probably reacted the same way with the first match. How could you not get excited?? It's just a normal reaction. Anyway, I again am very happy for you and DH. Hopefully Dh & I won't be too far behind you with getting matched.

    TTYL
    Bella

  4. #24
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    kbgirl28- You're so welcome

    Bella213- Sorry about not being matched just yet, I'm sure it wont be long now Wow triplets! I could only imagine, eek!

    ginadc- Wow what a change of events, I know its hard when bp's change their mind, but in the end maybe those twins weren't the right children for you & Dh. I so happy you already got matched again so quickly! Im so excited for you! A complete suprise is always the sweetest! Congrats!


    Well some recent changes have gone on with us as well. Kendra is DD's 7 year old sister, and she is now living with us. She just started school yesterday. I have guardianship now and I'm looking into adoption for her, but she's just not ready yet. It's a new situation for her, she's always lived with her grandmother, so I wanted her transition to be as smooth as possible. Dh and I are very excited and nervous. Its alot different then raising our DD who we've had since birth, Kendra asks a lot of questions and we always make sure to tell her the truth, but sometimes she's just too young for such a harsh reality. Like any parent we will do whatever we can to make her feel loved and accepted.
    Also court is MONDAY!!! Im so excited, DD is 22 months old and Im so ready for things to move on. This is the 26 hearing where Bm is getting her parental rights terminated. After this adoption is final within 6-9 months. I cannot believe it. What a long road, so happy we are finally in the last stretch

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    New York
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    Default I got another call! HELP!

    Hi Ladies,

    I got another call today at 5:15 pm! I was still at work and "The Bat Phone" (that's what we call the adoption cell phone) rang. I picked it up and there was a sweet voice on the other end. I am freaking out still so I am going to try and remember everything we talked about. She is 28, lives in Minnesota, single, 2 years into nursing school, she was adopted herself at 16 mo., she is 6 months pregnant and is due Nov 2! The father is a pilot, she dated him for 4 months and when she told him she was pregnant, he told her that he was married and wanted nothing to do with the baby or her anymore. It took her a while to decide to place her child because she was looking for support from her family. Once she came out and told her parents, they became very supportive of her decision and therefore she started to pursue placing her child. She looked through 43 different profiles but she said she kept coming back to ours because she said that she and I can pass for sisters. She asked me if we would be "ok" with sending her pictures of the baby for the first few years and I of course told her yes. She really doesn't care if we speak, but she definitely wants pictures from time to time. We definitely felt a connection in the first 5 minutes of speaking to one another. I actually found myself calm and relaxed. I guess this is what everyone talks about when they say "You just know it's the one."

    She is having a boy (Dh & I never cared about the sex) although I can tell that hubby is thrilled. So she repeated our attorney's 800# to me and said that she would call him as soon as she hung up with me. I followed up just a few minutes ago with my attorney and I got his wife (the social worker) who answered the 800#. I proceeded to tell her that I got a real call and asked if a woman by the name of (blank) called and she said "Yes" but actually it wasn't that great of a call." I said "what?" "What happened?" and she proceed to tell me that the girl insisted on speaking to our attorney and only him. Well I was like ok; did you explain to her that you guys handle the calls? (I had no idea what to tell the potential bm so I just referred her to the attorney and not the secretary or the social worker) Anyway, they told me that she would not give them her address or any information and that she got rude with them and said that she would call back. Well I was dumb founded. I had such a positive call and they managed to possibly screw it up for me. So my attorney's wife proceeds to tell me that they would call me if she called back. And the conversation ended there.

    Well WTF????! Gees, couldn't they see that she was new to all of this and maybe with a little kindness they could have persuaded her to give the information? I feel like ringing someone's neck over there right now. First thing Monday morning, I am going to pick up the phone and speak to the attorney directly. I don't give a crap if it's his wife or not, this is totally uncalled for. It's enough that this whole waiting game just suck's, but then to get a real call and have a third party upset something that is real, just angers me.

    Am I overreacting or would you all feel the same way?

    Please keep me in your prayers. I am going to need every one right now.

    Bella213

  6. #26
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    Jul 2005
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    Bella, I was so excited for you until I read the last paragraph! I absolutely would be just as livid as you are with the attorney's staff. They should know that they're dealing with bmoms who are often going through a lot of things and pretty emotional. If she was that positive and sweet with you, then they must have been really obnoxious to her for her to be "rude"--either that, or they're misrepresenting her reaction.

    You definitely should tell your attorney on Monday that this is absolutely not acceptable.

    Did she leave any kind of phone # with you or other way to get in touch? Did a number show up on the cell phone's caller ID?

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    New York
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    Gina- I have the 800# forwarded to my cell phone so her number came up on caller ID. I did call her back after I hung up with the attorney’s office and left her a message. I asked if she got through to them, and that she could speak to two other people there besides for him. That she needed to give them her address so that they could mail her our journal etc. That she could call me back anytime she wants to chat again. In our conversation, I forgot to ask for her number. Do you think it was bad of me that I called her back because her number came up on caller ID? I am definitely calling our attorney first thing Monday. And if they give me any BS that he isn't available, I will personally drive there and let them have it in person. I happen to be a very nice and generous person. I love people, respect them and even when someone upsets me I never get upset back. But when you start to jeopardize something that I have been working on with all my heart, well that's when my horns come out..lol It's the Italian in me I guess. I am glad to read that you would react the same way. DH said to me that if she and I hit it off like we did on the phone, then this minor incident shouldn't stop her from moving forward. And if she doesn't call our attorney back, then she wasn't genuine and it's better that it doesn't move forward. I guess because I know in my heart that this was a real call, it bothers me even more. If she does call me back, I know I will be able to establish trust between the two of us and if I have to I will make a conference call to the attorney myself with her on the phone to make this happen. What I really should do is get her on the phone, call the attorney's office and remain silent to see how they speak to her etc. It just seems so evil that I am going to that extreme with someone we are paying to make our dream come true.

    Thanks Gina for checking in. I was hoping one of you would help me out.

    Bella

  8. #28
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    Jul 2005
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    I think your DH is right that if it was indeed legit, she will call you back--possibly not your attorney's office since she had such a negative experience with them the first time, but more likely you directly since you hit it off so well. And then you can say something like "Sorry that the staff in our attorney's office weren't helpful, I've talked with them to make sure nothing like that ever happens again." I think conference-calling it with her and the attorney's office, if she's amenable, is a great idea.

    I definitely agree that you need to hold your attorney accountable for how responsive he and his staff are, both to you and to prospective birthmothers who call. You have to be able to trust them implicitly with something this important!

  9. #29
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    Aug 2005
    Location
    New York
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    Default I called her back again

    Gina- So I made another attempt yesterday afternoon to reach the bm. When I called in the morning, I got the answering machine but after I heard the message and was about to leave after the beep, this recording came on that said that the mail box was full and no messages were being accepted at this time. So I tried later in the afternoon and I got a real person. Apparently she has 3 roomates and they all share one phone. Anyway, the girl who answered said that she was on the other line but that if I gave her may name & # she would give her the message to have her call me back. This was at 6:00 pm and she never called back. So I have come to terms with the situation that this is not going to work out and that she might be BS'ing me. Like DH mentioned before, if she is real and really liked you as much as she said she did, then she would have called you back by now no matter what happened with our attorneys office or not. Oh well. At this point if she does call back I would be really surprised.

    Thank you for you support. I so desprately needed to hear another womans opinion about the situation. I appreciate it.

    Bella

  10. #30
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    Aug 2005
    Location
    New York
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    Morning Ladies,

    As of this morning, no call back from the BM. Oh well. But I did get a call from one of the girls at my attorneys office. We spoke about Friday's phone and she apologized for the other womans behavior. She also mentioned that this is not the first time she has heard complaints about her. Well I said "If she is going to be nasty and curt she shouldn't be taking any calls." She said that unfortunately she is the wife of the attorney and also the SW and she receives all the calls when she is there. If she is not there then it get's passed on to her. She went and pullled the notes on the phone call and all she wrote down was that so and so was on the phone and when the call was passed on to her, that the bm hung up. What a liar! That's not what she told me. So obviously she is covering her butt with regards to the back and forth attitude that transpired between the both of them. Anyway, I have come to terms with the fact that this bm is no longer interested in placing her child with us. Like my DH said "If she is going to be this fragile that something like that can shake her up not to make a return call to either us or the attorney, then we don't want to get involved." And he is so right.

    The right call will come in soon.

    TTYL
    Bella

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