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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    672

    Default Would you go to her house?

    This might seem like a silly question and it's definately a last minute question since I just found out that we're invited over there tonight. But I would appreciate a few thoughts before I decide what to do.

    At one time I was best friends with my DH's sister. She was even my maid of honor. Now we are not close at all. I guess it's sort of a long story so I probably shouldn't get too far into it at this hour (since I assume we'll be expected to go in a couple hours). Long story short, she went through a few life changes and started pulling away. She got laid off from her job and had a baby and had another surgery all in one year. Anyway, I tried to be supportive and she brushed me off by saying that she was stressed and it wasn't me. I noticed that she was still spending a lot of time with all of her other friends. This hurt me but I knew that maybe these other people had more to offer her at the time so I cut her some slack and continued to call and email her.

    Then I had a couple serious life changes. Actually I'm still in the middle of one issue. At any rate, she emailed me to throw me a few words of support and in the exchange of several emails I confided that I wished we were closer. She said she didn't understand what had happend so I shared my feelings and she became VERY defensive and lashed out at me big time. Via email of course. I was hurt because I had given her honest feeling in the most gentle way I could. And in my hour of need the only thing she thought to do was defend herself. Okay, maybe it wasn't an appropriate time to bring things up. I'll accept that.

    We patched things up in the email war and the next couple of times we got together it was akward. I chalked it up to the email exchange and assumed that it would work itself out.

    But it hasn't improved. This has been close to a year ago. She actually seems like she goes out of her way to hurt me. Always chatting about her friends and all the fun they have. She hasn't accepted any of my invites to get together and I've extended all sorts of options to her. She's even arranged a special outing with her cousins, instead of her SILs. To me this is a slap in the face. Make no mistake though - she is very polite to me. But not in a good way.

    Her husband, on the other hand is super nice and wonderful. He called my husband to ask if we'd like to come over for a night of cards. Maybe some other people in the family will be there too.

    So, should we go?

    On one hand - I do want things to be better with my SIL. Odviously the relationship is forever changed. I understand that even if I haven't accepted it yet. Regardless I don't like family functions to be stressful and they are when she is around. So, should we make the effort and go, be friendly and leave early if it doesn't work out?

    On the other hand - I'm pretty much sick of it. I'm sick of making the effort. I don't want to spend an evening at her house, listening to her talk about her new carpet, her fun friends and everything else. I especially feel uncomfortable about going if she had her husband call my husband. Or what if she doesn't even want us there and he said, "forget it, I'm inviting them."
    I don't expect a grand invitation from her but considering the whole history I think I would feel better about going if I knew that I was actually welcome. At one time we would have been emailing all day about something like this and I would have stopped home from work to help her cook.

    It's sad, it's depressing and to tell the truth I think about it way more than I should.

    I guess this ended up being longer than I expected. Sorry.

    Suck it up and go or move on?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Small warm corner of hell
    Posts
    9,697

    Default

    Go, play cards, and enjoy the other people present. Ignore her, be pleasantly civil, no more, no less.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    672

    Default

    Thanks for the super quick reply! I'm impressed.

    Good advice but she is such a PRESENCE. There won't be many people there and it would be hard to ignore her (or enjoy other people for that matter). Grrrrrr.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    2,936

    Default

    Hmmm...toughy. I can completely see where you are coming.

    Let me see if I have this you're tired of being the better person and heck you don't particularly care for her anymore.

    I bet her husband just wanted to spend time with your DH and you.

    I personally probably wouldn't go. It's too much of a pain and not at all fun if you have to constantly be aware of someone you don't like. Life's too short do something funner tonight.

    Good Luck!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Boston
    Posts
    6,317

    Default

    I wouldn't go either. Unless it means a lot to your nhusband to spend time with his sister, I firmly believe that life is too short to spend it around unpleasant people.
    J + A

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    672

    Default

    Yes, you have it correct. Dh always swore that she was a pain but she was nothing but nice to me. Then when she switched attitudes DH was like, "I TOLD you she was this way."

    Yeah, and it's not fun. The only reason I would go would be the hopes of it breaking the ice and making things better.

    Thanks for your reply.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    The Granite State
    Posts
    3,141

    Default

    I agree, I would go.

    But in the long term, this particular thing you mentioned stood out to me:

    "and in the exchange of several emails I confided that I wished we were closer. She said she didn't understand what had happend so I shared my feelings and she became VERY defensive and lashed out at me big time."

    There is something that both of you are not understanding about each other, and need to find the root of the real problem and feelings. At the moment, it sounds like that was attempted in an email, but not accomplished (it is never easy to find the truty in email, isn't it?)

    If there is any interest in starting a new friendship, I would try to have a heart to heart to find out why she has been ignorring you, and give you an opportunity to tell her why you were hurt by her actions.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    4,071

    Default

    Go, be friendly, and give it a chance. You never know, it may help your relationship. If it doesn't work out, at least you know you tried. Either way, not going definitely won't help patch things up!
    "I am no skillful avoid gathering the people together, except when there was occasion, and received." ~ SPAM email

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    672

    Default

    Thanks all for the replies. I ended up not going and it was a good thing. It turned out to be a bunch of the guys playing cards. My Dh really wanted to go so I decided to make positive use of the time on my own. I put on some good music, cracked a bottle of wine and made some yummy dishes to bring to the thanksgiving festivities. I really did enjoy myself and might make it a personal tradition for myself as the holiday are stressful for me.

    She was not friendly at the family thing. She was super nice to a couple of the girls (like "in your face" I have NEW favorites), friendly to a few of the others but absolutely cold to me. Somethings up and I need to find the best way to crack the code.

    Thanks again for the advice. I appreciate the time you all took.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    288

    Default

    I think it was for the best you didn't go, and I think since your DH isn't pushing for you and her to be close anymore, I would attend family functions and be cordial, but I would assume a close friendship - for whatever reason - is gone and act accordingly when in her company. It's sad, and you very well may never find out why she changed. Could it be jealousy over something? Did her changes in life lead her to a new group of friends? It doesn't seem as though she wants to be honest with why she no longer wants the friendship she had with you (not to mention now being SIL's on top of it!) it's probably for the best.

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