I'm really struggling with this and feel like I'm caught in a lose-lose situation.
I currently manage a senior's retirement residence and have been there for almost a year and half. I am seven months pregnant. We have a no gift policy at work which is a bit vague. Basically token consumable things are okay to accept (like chocolate, cookies, flowers, etc.). It does mention though something along the lines of 'the usual exchange of gifts between friends' is also okay (that is paraphrased). However, I accepted two gifts from residents and when my supervisor found out (I wasn't trying to hide it and for some reason hadn't been thinking about the gift policy) said I had to return them and couldn't accept anymore. It seems pretty cut and dried.
The issue is, they were both baby gifts and both were hand-made - one was a little bib set and the other a knit blanket with matching booties (none are things the baby will probably ever use as they just aren't a style my dh or I like). I just couldn't return them as it seemed so cruel and they have sat in my closet at work since I talked to my supervisor. Then today, another lady came in with something for the baby. I told her I couldn't accept it and she was so crestfallen - she'd picked it up for me while in England. I capitulated and accepted it. I feel so horrible! She is a lovely lady, it is a lovely gift and I'm violating direct orders from my supervisor. It just seems so... unkind or something though to deny all these ladies I've worked for/with the pleasure of sharing in this huge event with me, it seems almost cruel to turn them away when they just want to share my excitement - most of them being mothers themselves as well as grandmothers and often great grandmothers. However, the policy is very very clear and I have always prided myself on my honesty. What do I do??!??!?!?!?
When I worked in social services (with children and their families), we could only accept homemade gifts- cookies, and such, or homemade cards from the kids, etc, and I would assume homemade baby gifts would fall into that category. Is there some way you can talk to your supervisor, tell him you want to accept the gifts so as not to disappoint your patients, but then donate them to a charity, so they will still get use, you'll have been honest, and the little old ladies can still feel good?
Sadly, at this point it would just piss her off that I didn't listen immediately and then sometimes she likes to push stuff even further to make a point or turn someone into an example.
Just to clarify as well, the last gift was not handmade but the lady had obviously put so much effort and thought into getting it for me while she was away travelling that it also seems such a rejection, and perhaps even belittling of the resident to refuse it.
There was a lady last Christmas who gave us (my maintenance man and I) money. We thanked her and returned it, explaining that we could not accept it. She fought and fought but finally took it back. Then brought us gift certificates instead. We went through the whole thing again and finally got her to return them. She finally came back with chocolates or something which we accepted. It just seems like baby things are different. Is this just preggo brain justifying something I already want to do - accept gifts which seem to symbolize a right of passage into motherhood?
Well, if it weren't an official policy, I'd say to try to sneak them off to a charity, but I would think you could get into trouble for violating policy (regardless of your supervisor). Do you think you could talk to your supervisor about it, and maybe ask *her* to make some general statement to the residents reminding them (or telling them) of the no-gift policy? Then, if you return the gifts shortly thereafter, the residents would (hopefully) understand that it's not your fault.
If you don't think you could talk to her about it, or if she won't make the announcement to the residents, I'd still return the gifts. I'd tell the residents how awful you feel about returning them, but your supervisor insisted and it's the official policy.
I know that's hard, and that it'll break your heart to return the gifts, but if it's an official policy I wouldn't risk breaking it. Maybe if you stress to the residents how much it pains you to return the gifts, they'll understand. I mean, if you were just returning them because you felt like it, that'd be one thing (and they'd rightfully be hurt), but in this case there are Forces Bigger Than You that demand that you return the gifts.
Last edited by kat; 10-17-2005 at 05:29 PM.
Alexander James: 2.15.06
Audrey Caroline: 2.15.06
f/k/a katbride on the WC
I do not think so. The people who have been th most excited about my DDs birth have been elderly women. They also comprise the largest group of people who like to see her. I think it has something to do with the newness of life. The women get something out of giving the gifts as well - particularly if they are taking such time to prepare them (by selected them in England with care or by making them). I can not imagine giving something like that back to the giver. How does one refuse a hand knit baby blanket? Gift certificates, Target schwag, things that are not thoughtful in nature - sure refuse those out of the principlal of no gifts. Again, I would be really hurt if someone refused my lovingly made hand knit gift.
ETA: You do have to return the gifts, especially if you feel that your job would be at stake. I would make sure that 1) you write the givers a really nice note thanking them, and 2) making sure that they know that you are being forced to return the gifts. Perhaps if the residents keep complaining, the rule will change.
If it's policy, you need to return them all. I've worked in positions where I wasn't allowed to accept gifts. It wasn't that hard to say, "Thank you, but it's against corporate policy for me to accept gifts." Express lots of gratitude and then suggest that they give it to their grandchild, a local children's hospital, or a shelter.
Well, I work in a nursing home, and to NOT accept a gift from a resident, especially a handmade one is just downright rude. These people put a lot of heart into it. I agree they are wanting to share in the new life you're bringing into this world, and since they see you every single day, they felt that bringing you a gift was a way they could share this time with you.
I think your boss, honestly is jealous. How could she even think to tell you to give back something that was specifically made, with you (your baby) in mind. Is she in the business of making the residents happy, or breaking their hearts??
Honestly, I'd go to her, I'd be completely honest with her, tell her that you understand the policy, and that you're not trying to break the policy, but that you cannot, with a good heart, turn down a gift that the residents made you. Whether she likes it or not, it's a horrible policy. I can see them not wanting to get everyone a birthday gift, anniversary, things like that, it gets too monotonous, but when someone specifically makes you a gift (even the lady thinking of you when she's vacationing in England), they were given to you, for your baby. It's not like they are buying you off, they handmade them, put their time and effort into the gifts, to not accept them, no matter what the policy, is just downright wrong.
I don't know what you're going to do when you leave there, but isn't the first rule, residents rights or their happiness? Can you really break their hearts, does your boss really want to break their hearts?? If she does, then she needs to re-think her job.
Geez, I get so worked up about these things. I don't know, I know it's hard for you, but your boss, no matter what the policy says, is wrong. Bottom line.
ETA: Oh, I was thinking as I was reading...how about you tell the boss to take them and return them to the residents, that might be a good suggestion, just tell her you "absolutely" can't break their hearts and return the items, let her "do it for you", I bet she won't!
Oh, I was thinking as I was reading...how about you tell the boss to take them and return them to the residents, that might be a good suggestion, just tell her you "absolutely" can't break their hearts and return the items, let her "do it for you", I bet she won't!
good idea!
is there are a human resource person you can talk to about this? i think your boss is reading too much into the no gift policy.
Despite my saying the policy is clear in my first post, what I actually meant was my supervisor's stance is very clear, the policy itself is much more vague. Due to office politics etc. though I don't think going behind her back would be a good idea (way too much history to get into here in terms of work environment but she is also a friend outside of work and I'm not coming back after maternity leave starts so why burn bridges over this?) and as much as I'd love to tell her to return the stuff if she wants that would probably just escalate the problem even more.
My dh agrees with KristyK in many ways arguing the policy itself is not well thought out and following my supervisors interpretation is more likely to create animosity about the company than anything else (And as a side note, the residents already have a hate on for the company I work for, unfortunately. Trying to improve that has been one of the biggest challenges of my job and I'm proud to say I have made great headway but any excuse to hate us again is leapt upon with glee).
Call me unethical, but personally, since it has gotten to this point I would not return the gifts. I would take them to a charity of some sort and get a receipt. If it ever came up I'd show the receipt to the boss and say that I didn't have the heart to return them to the residents so I donated them instead. I would also mention your reasoning behind doing this (the goodwill you have generated with the residents and fear of harming that relationship.)
From here on out I think you either need to outright refuse any gifts (and this policy needs to be clearly communicated to your residents) or you need someone higher up than your boss to clarify the gift policy.
My company has a very, very clear gifts and gratuities policy. If a client were to offer me something I would have to refuse it outright. Although I don't love my job, I wouldn't want to fired over something so silly.
Another ethical question - HELP!!!!
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