Sticky Moms Group Situation.....need advice...

[MrsTazlvr]

I need some help on a mom's group issue. I run a local moms group with 30 members. We are having a problem with 2 of the members. They both joined a while ago, met each other in the group, but haven't been participating very much lately. We have a membership rule of 2 events per month and they come to just that and no more. They only hang out with each other and have made it pretty clear that they don't really WANT to be in the group. But they just won't leave. They are pretty rude to some of the members, snub them, and are just plain bitchy. No one knows why they are in the group still to begin with. We think that they are just in the group to cause problems and to force our hand so to speak to kick them out so we will look like the bad ones. We want to kick them out, but the last time we had to remove a member there was backlash. She e-mailed lies to some of the group members and spread a bad name for the group. We are in a small enough community that I don't want the name of the group smeared.

Part of the problem is that I started the group and have done most of the active running of the group over the last year since the group began. I do not get along with either of them at all so if I am the one to send an e-mail or something from the group, they will think it's just from me, KWIM? Many group members have come to me privately and asked that they be removed. We have a message board that we all chat on and often they are obnoxious on it. When I ask them to take their snarky comments off the board they tell me I am reading into what they write and they didn't mean it that way. If several other members read these girls' posts and say they can't believe how rude they are being, then I know it isn't just me miss reading the posts.

I also want to add that most of the group members have become quite a close "family". Our hubbies hang out for poker, we do family events, and we all help each other out. They are the only negativity in the group.

Sorry for being so long winded, but my question is, how to we get rid of these members without backlash? Any ideas?

[kimthebride]

Do the moms become "members"?

If so, I don't think it's outlandish to distribute some literature about the group's policies and rules. You know, along the lines of a refresher document with important information on it such as:
- membership dues and when/how to pay
- activity involvement minimums
- activity schedule
- contact information
- expectations of members: here is where you need to put that "do unto others" type of statement, what the purpose of message boards are, what message board violations warrent deletion, and how if you can't play nice with the group you may be asked to either follow the policies or leave.

Yes, this may insight some gossip but it's a way for you to cover your butt. So everyone knows the Group's standards, and if you can't act in accordance with them maybe the group is not for you. Thus either these 2 moms will shape up or ship out...and if they just get obnoxious, they will know they will be asked to leave.

Good luck!

[MrsTazlvr]

Thanks, Kim. Yes, the moms are members, but there are no dues. We do most of our communicating via a message board since it's a Yahoo group. I am really trying not to overmoderate the group and not put too many rules, because it is after all a playgroup for the children as well as the mommies. My problem is that these moms will just say that they didn't mean to come across rude in their posts, etc. They play dumb and deny a lot. So I am not sure I can enforce "rules" on them. I am looking for a straight forward way to unsubscribe them I guess. I hate all this momma drama. The rest of us all get along.

[October2002Bride]

The truth?


I would talk to everyone and with a vote decide if we want them out or not and then comfront them publicly and in front of all so they know its unanimous (spelling???) tell them that unfortunately we have decided to ask you not to join us anymore yadada yada. Doing it this way they wont have anyone to complain to or email etc since you all decided this.,


When I say publicly I dont mena in the town square or anything like that. Id sit them down in during the meeting and be strong about the decision the WHOLE group has made.

There is no nice way to ask someone not to join in your group or club etc unless its in writing? oh another way send them a letter signed by everyone in the group?

Good luck and tell us how it went please

[MrsTazlvr]

Thanks, Oct. The problem is that we are never all at the same place at the same time. We don't have meetings where everyone goes. We have playdates where between 2-15 people go. Most of the time it's a group of 5 or 6 of us at any given event. And to get EVERYONE'S opinion/vote then I would have to go behind their backs and call or e-mail everyone. We have some new members and some members who are newish that might not realize what these girls are like. We all thought they were nice in the beginning. They are very fake but newbies might not see that. I think it would be horrible of me as group leader to privately contact the whole membership and take a vote, no? Ugh! What to do, what to do?!?!

[Kanga]

I would confront them with 2-3 other group members who have come to you about their rudeness. Give them certain situations where other member's have sensed rudeness, etc. Most likely they will try to say what they said before - you're taking them the wrong way. Explain to them that may not be what they meant, but it's how other people are taking it, and they need to be more aware of how others may react to their actions. Also tell them that if they can't do that, then maybe this isn't the group for them because they're not seeing eye to eye. By having a small group confront them they'll know it's not just you, and also know you're not trying to turn the entire group against them. They might get their act together, but most likely they'll just leave.

[kimthebride]

Hm. I'd do a 3-way call: you and the 2 friends. Let them know - faux apologetically - that you're very sorry but it doesn't look like the group is a good fit for them. Quite a few other members have expressed concerns about their involvement, and you didn't want them to be embarrased or uncomfortable so you understand if they want to drop from the group.
Give no names, don't let them argue with you. Just say that as the leader of the group you have to make sure the members work well together,its nothing personal.

[Candy]

Cori, I had no idea! I felt "tension" on our board a few times, but I had no clue abour any of this. I feel like such an idiot. lol

[MrsTazlvr]

Candy, I am glad you had no clue. At least it's not ALL the members having to deal with this. You are newer to the group so you haven't seen half of what has gone on over the last year. I am not sure if you know who I am talking about or not, but please keep it to yourself. You know the group. Do you have any ideas?

[Sasha]

Hijacking thread - Cori, when does your Mom's group meet? Is it weekday stuff only? I am desperating looking for a Mom's group that also does weekend things, since I work. Let me know, thanks! Hijack over.... .