Feeling Down - DH is unhappy with me

[Sha259]

Okay, I won't go into extreme details, but I have to get this off my chest because I don't know what to do. My DH told me yesterday that he thinks I am fat. And I don't mean this to be a vanity rant, but I pride myself on living a pretty healthy lifestyle. I work out at least 4 days a week, and I eat pretty healthy. I am 5'3" and weigh 123 lbs. I have always been alittle insecure about my body, so this really put me into a bad state. He went so far as to say that he hasn't wanted to be intimate with me for the past year because he does not feel attracted to me and the way my body looks. He says that he thinks a flat stomach is sexy, and since I had one when we met (4 years ago), I should have one now.

Now mind you, since we have been together, he has had lots of weight variation (from 155 to 180 lbs) and not once did I say anything about his weight, because it never mattered to me. I love him no matter what he weighs, why can't it be the same way for me?

[Marie]

(((HUGS)))

First of all, you are NOT fat.

Second...what a total and complete ass! I'm sorry but what the heck? He can have a weight gain of 30 pounds during your marriage but you hit 123 and he freaks? I hate to think this way but I think he said it to hurt you and make you feel insecure. My ex did the same exact thing because he was so insecure himself. The only way to make himself feel better was to belittle me. It sounds like your husband is doing the same exact thing and you do NOT deserve that type of treatment. I'm not sure I have any good advice other than calling him on his completely asshole behavior.

[DiscoDiva]

First, go print out every single height/weight chart on the internet and show him that you are in the average/low average weight for your height!

I'm sorry, but your body is just an excuse. He doesn't want sex, but your body isn't the reason. The question is, what is the reason? Some of the most common real reasons for men not wanting sex with their wives are: they are getting it somewhere else, they are clinically depressed, they are addicted to internet porn and are taking care of their needs without you, they are having erective dysfunction issues, or they have testerone/hormone issues. Of course, there are other reasons as well.

Stop feeling bad about what he's saying, and start talking to him about the real issues behind his lack of desire!

[IrishMeg]

You weigh 123 lbs and your're fat? That is complete bullshit. You are not fat. You are not even overweight according to the height/weight charts I've seen.

I would guess there is more going on here than he is saying. The tricky part will be getting him to admit what is really going on. If my DH said that, I'd be finding a therapist immediately. It's unacceptable for him to be putting you down like that. If he won't go with you, go alone.

You're DH may be unhappy, but I assure you it isn't with you. It sounds like it is himself he is unhappy with and he's projecting it on to you. It may be his way of coping with his own inadequacies.

[PG-rated]

I'm really sorry he said that to you, and I certainly hope it's really something else that's bugging him, because I can't even imagine a person who would hold his own spouse to such a ridiculous double-standard. People's bodies change over time, period. He should consider himself lucky to have a wife who has developed healthy habits at a young age, because you're that much more likely to remain fit and healthy as you get older.

I hope you don't take his comments to heart; this opinion isn't normal, and probably isn't the whole truth. You have no reason to feel bad about yourself.

[Sha259]

Thank you all for the replies. It's funny, because I had had this feeling for a while that things just weren't right with our relationship. He started spending more time away from home, he started commenting on my weight, and he started going to the gym and working out like a demon.

I would guess there is more going on here than he is saying. The tricky part will be getting him to admit what is really going on. If my DH said that, I'd be finding a therapist immediately. It's unacceptable for him to be putting you down like that. If he won't go with you, go alone.

I think this is the case, and I think our next step is definitely therapy. It almost makes me feel like a failure though, because we have only been married a year and we already need therapy!

His behavior almost seems like cheating behavior, but I really don't think that is the case. At least I hope it isn't the case. I hope he is reseptive to the idea of seeing a counselor.

[DiscoDiva]

Yes, this is definitely about his issues, not yours!!

[Sha259]

I don't know, it just hurt so much to hear that from someone who is supposed to love me. It makes me feel like he only married me for my body. And what use is that, will he not want me anymore in 20 years when my body isn't the same.

[~queen~]

His behavior almost seems like cheating behavior

I agree with this comment from you and believe your are being very perceptive but you are not ready to face it just yet. Remember, there are different kinds of cheating that can occur. If he is being negative about your body image, than he is comparing you to someone else - cause you are nowhere near overweight.

Don't take his comments personally (although I know that they can hurt) because its not about you! ((HUGS))

[Heidi9771]

wow...he must be very picky! I am 5'3 and was 110 llbs when I started dating my now DH at age 21. I am now 130 llbs and 28, and DH would never dream of saying anything...of course if I got unhealthily over weight, than he would say something, but I am not at that point...and neither are you!

What he said hurts! Is this really the reason? If it is, is this something that you can get over? I would have a hard time doing that. No one stays young and thin forever...including him.