Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! There are soo many helpful things people have suggested that I am not sure if I can respond to everyone individually, but I would like to thank everyone for sharing and because of this I think I learned some great concepts that I think will make a huge difference!
Friday night I have to admit I hit a complete low point with this whole thing (horrible behavior that led to a tantrum in public in front of friends which led me to yell at her which I did not want to do. I actually cried on the way home because I was so frustrated with myself) and I vowed Saturday to never go through that again. Saturday I started implementing a few new techniques (thanks to you guys) and have to say that I actually saw a difference. There were at least 3 or 4 times in which a situation could have escalated pretty quickly, but was defused due to how I handled it. I say I because it was me who made a conscience choice to decide that I was not going to let the situation be about power and I chose to pick my battles. Funny thing is….in the end I was still the adult who was in charge, the end result was still accomplished but my daughter was actually given the ability to made her own choices (which made her feel in control) and we were both happy in the end.
So…if I have understood what people are saying (if I have misunderstood, please let me know):
First…I have learned that I am a horrible offender of “micromanaging”. I am so focused on making sure DD does everything how I want it that I am constantly giving instructions (I never really saw myself as someone who demands a lot, but know I realize I am). I am giving out so many instructions that I am not giving her the freedom to make choices (of course choices that are within reason for a 6 yo.). Because of this, I am forcing her to fight me every step of the way in order to gain any sort of freedom. As ROSEBUD asked….yes, I am like your DH who expects things to be 100% my way when I want them and not allowing for the fact that they are kids….not robots. So, anytime DD does not do what I ask when I ask…I assume she is defying me and react as such. When really she just needs a little flexibility when it comes to following directions. This type of micromanaging leads to constant power struggles because if she feels she does not have control over anything she will be constantly fighting for any little bit she can get.
In addition to creating the need for power struggles, I am also turning every situation into a power struggle. DragonFly what you said about acting like a sibling vs. the adult really hit home. Also your comment the whole “saving face” things which totally applies to my DD. It was great that I was following through with my threat, but there was no reason to escalate to the point that I did. Once I told her she could not eat them, that should have been the end of the discussion. As long as she did not eat the goldfish that is all I needed to focus on. The rest should have been ignored. Because 1) at that point I turned it into a power struggle with every additional “demand” I laid out and neither one us wanted to lose and 2) she was simply attempting to get a rise out of me…which she succeeded.
The whole idea of natural consequences is something that makes total sense. For example…DD has a habit of speaking very meanly or talking back. We usually say something like “Do not talk like that to us”. Now, she knows talking back is not allowed and does not get her anywhere but somehow the minute we give it as an instruction…it becomes a power struggle and she does it again just because we said not to. Then, it becomes a time-out issue because she does not listen to us to stop. Well, what I worked on doing yesterday was simply not acknowledging her when she started to talk like that. We were playing a game and she got an attitude and talked back. So…without a word I got up and walked away. Within 30 seconds she spoke in her normal calm voice and said “I am sorry, will you please come and play with me”. I did and the rest of the game was perfect. She learned that if she was going to be mean I was not going to play with her. The consequence to her bad attitude was not me yelling or a time-out, instead it meant no one was going to play with her and she was not going to have fun. Again…she got to make the choice about what was going to happen next. Be nice = fun play time with mom or be mean and you play alone. The end result was she had a nice attitude (which was my goal) and we both got to have a fun time playing (her goal and mine).
Finally…PineTree posted an article about “positive parenting”. This is also huge. I have found myself being so negative and the first thing out of my mouth is “no”. I am trying to say things like “Yes, can go to the park, if you pick up your toys first”…simply starting sentences with Yes….seems to be going along way with DD. Believe me I want to be able to say Yes and do fun things. Or by giving her a positive request like “if you pick up your toys now we will have time to read a story” vs. “If you don’t pick up your toys I won’t read you a story”…a subtle yet important difference and positive motivation for doing something.
I think I was making some big errors in regards to expectations for DD because I have always learned growing up that I was to obey my mom…period. Now that I have my own kids my mom tries to help me out by sharing some of her techniques. One thing she always says is that kids should always listen and there is no room for leeway. If you give them an inch now….you will have trouble on your hands in the future. Or kids should not dictate the parents…you are the boss so they need to do it your way because you are the adult…period. So…I have equated that to not allowing my DD any room for choice and any little infraction was to be addressed and dealt with (hope that makes sense). Grenouille – your mom sounds like my mom. She expects kids to listen instantly and if they don’t it is considered disobeying and that it is unacceptable. Hence, I handle DD the same way. Although I do know my DD has a hard time with transition so we do set a timer for big things like getting ready for bed (10 minutes then time for bed), leaving the park or friends house, or turning the TV off...things like that. These kinds of transitions were a tantrum waiting to happen...
So….basically I am learning :
1) Give her some freedom and flexibility in doing things so that she does not have to demand freedom in every situation.
2) When giving specific instructions focus on the ultimate goal and do not create a back and forth as it is just an attempt to engage in a power struggle
3) Ignore outbursts and tantrums as DD’s only goal is to get attention (not necessarily disobedience). If she does not get attention it stops pretty quickly and the situation is defused.
4) Positive statements can go a long way with DD
I could describe some specific examples of how Saturday and Sunday have been a HUGE improvement from the past week, but since this post is already another mini novel I won’t I know it has only been two days but these few days have proved to me that it was my techniques that were causing a lot of the problems. Seeing your suggestions in action and seeing that they do work definitely shows me that I have the power and ability to change things for the better without turning into a doormat.
Seriously, all of you (even if I did not mention you specifically) have helped me a tremendous amount…..thank you for being so honest and not bashing me!
Please continue to post ideas, suggestions and whatnot because I will be checking in, especially if I need more help and/or for updates.
I just wanted to post a little update:
I ordered "Raising Your Spirited Child" and "1-2-3 Magic" and I am just about 1/2 way through 1-2-3 Magic.
When I first posted I really truly thought my DD had emotional issues due to how our interactions would escalate into WWIII battles. After reading suggestions here, applying some of the techniques mentioned and reading 1/2 of 1-2-3 magic I have realized that it was ME that escalating the situations...not my DD. I have to say that the perspective I have gained so far from the book has been a real eye-opener. My DD loves bantering and arguing and I fed into hook line and sinker! Now, I just don't engage. So far although we have had instances were I have had to say NO and be firm she is not happy (just like before) I don't engage in the back and forth in an attempt to show control and thus escalate the situation. Instead...I show control and have control simply because I DO NOT engage and the situation is defused but the ultimate goal is still achieved.
Anyways...I am feeling way better and I actually enjoy being my daughter's mother I know it is not going to be easy going forward but I at least feel I have the ability to handle situations as they arise
I have an almost 5 year old daughter with a very similar personality, and she is just getting to a point (cross fingers) that she is very easy to be around almost all the time, she considers my feelings, her tantrums are not as often, and she agreeably listens to me most of the time. Some things I have to remember with my daughter.
-Follow a routine as much as possible and be understanding of your child when you can't. If we normally, play outside in the morning, and one morning we can't. I give her advanced warning and explain why. I tell her we will go the next day.
-Spend time with her. My daughter thrives one on one attention. No, I don't play with all day long, but I do dedicate at least one extended time of the day to play whatever she wants even if it's really boring for me.
-Don't punish her by taking away things that are good for her development. I know I am asking for a big meltdown and more trouble with bedtime if I take away her nighttime story. My daughter needs that routine of a story before bed to fall asleep easily. So say she takes to long to get ready, I tell her she has to choose from short books rather than reading a long story bc we don't have as long to read bc she took to long to get ready. I also never take away outside playtime since my daughter really needs the exercise and fresh air. She is much better behaved if she gets that.
-Count to 30 if she ignores your first request. Sometimes it takes kids time to process the request. Then repeat the request at a normal voice and don't phrase it like a question.
-Walk away. Sometimes it's very hard to control your own anger and temper if your kid is going ballistic. I sometimes just sit in the bathroom, and tell her I will come out when she is ready to treat me nicely. I tell her that I will be going to the bathroom bc she is not treating me well rather than just disappearing. This method greatly reduced her severe temper tantrums. Don't expect it to work the first time, but it will work if keep doing that rather than yelling back at her. It's so hardto control yourself when someone is screaming at you.
-Give lots and lots of choices.
eta - Just saw your update. So glad it is going well for you. =)
I wanted to post another update...I have now read 1/2 of Raising your spirited Child and it has helped me understand my DD SOOO MUCH more!!! After reading it, I am certain my DD fits this description and it helps to explain a lot in regards to how her emotions can rage out of control in a matter of seconds. She can go from Happy go lucky to completely ballistic the next for *seemingly* no reason (I say seemingly because it may see like there is no reason when in fact there are subtle clues that forewarn you...you just have to look). I realize that she is in fact more intense (among other things) than your average child and there are certain things that, simply due to her temperament, can escalate her emotions (to a very intense degree) at the drop of hat (like starting a sentence with "No", expecting her to transition from one activity to the next at the drop of hat, changing the rules/game plan to name a few). So, as a parent there are certain things I need to do in order to prevent the escalation in the first place and help her understand and control those feelings when she has them. I can't say that I agree with ALL of the techniques stated in the book and have to say that some advice completely contradicts the techniques in 1-2-3 magic... but I will have to say it has opened my eyes quite a bit and has helped me to understand my DD even more and it has made me look at MYSELF and realize there are changes I need to make as well. I am still in a learning process and I think I am going to have to come up with a unique blend of 1-2-3 magic and suggestions from Raising your spirited child in order to properly manage my DD's "spirited temperament" while at the same time establishing a healthy boundaries as her parent.
For anyone who shared that their children are the same as my DD, this book might be a good read. If you have ever wondered if you have failed as a parent because your child does not act like other children despite applying every technique offered by friends and family....this book might shed some light.
I just read that book too. It had been suggested several times but I kept choosing something else. I really liked it for the reasons you stated. I only have one friend IRL with a spirited kid like mine, so I get very lonely and discouraged sometimes and wonder what the heck I have done wrong when I've been trying so hard. The book helped explain a lot of things about my older son that don't fit into any category of special need, but that make him different than most. My younger son is right on the cusp of spunky/spirited, so at least I will get a lot of use out of the book.
Reply With QuoteI know it is not going to be easy going forward but I at least feel I have the ability to handle situations as they arise
