I know plenty of people who regret getting a divorce. They thought everything was going to be so much easier - and it wasn't. And they weren't any happier, because a lot of their problems were their own unhappiness.
I'm wondering though why these people regret getting divorced. Is it really because they feel that, in hindsight, their ex spouse was the perfect mate for them or is it more because living on their own turned out more difficult financially? I know some divorced people who are thinking "dang if I had known working a fulltime job and paying my own bills was this hard I would have stayed married, at least there I only had to cook the bacon, I didn't have to bring it home as well!"
Last edited by dragonfly_71; 04-07-2011 at 06:29 PM.
In hindsight, I think a few of my (female) friends idealized what life would be like if they were single again. But you can't turn back the clock. Single parenthood is terribly, terribly hard, even of your spouse is local and helping to share in the costs, custody and responsibilities.
I don't think it has to do completely with finances, though that certainly comes into play. Almost all of my friends work, did before they were divorced and still do so. I think once they were out on their own in the "real world" of singledom, often single parenthood, they started to appreciate some of their spouses attributes a little more and their anger over what caused the divorces abated somewhat. I have a male friend who certainly feels this way and defiinitely regrets his divorce.
I think when people are in the throes of anger and hurt and their marriages are't working it is common to think it would all be better if they were single. And sometimes it is. But a lot of times, the anger and blame we place on our spouse is misplaced, and all our problems are not solved with a divorce. And divorce brings its own, new set of problems.
You ca't turn back the clock. You can't ever be that unencumbered, carefree single person that we all were when we got out of college. It just doesn't work that way.
Maybe the OP and her husband will divorce. Maybe that will be better. But they have children, and her husband does not sound like a terrible person, if maybe a little insensitive and uncommunicative. She has made mistakes, serious ones, herself. Neither of them appear to be terrible people, and possibly, just possibly, their marriage could be saved with appropriate counselinn and real effort (hard work!) on their part. It will not get better by itself, with no effort, which is pretty much what it sounds like the approach they have been trying.
I am an advocate for marriage, especially when children are involved. I think we owe our children that much. At least to try very, very hard before quitting.
And yes, I do believe it is better to be happily divorced than unghappily married for many years. But since this thread is asking opinions, my opinion is that they shoud seek professional help for their marriage before quitting, because doing may be the only way to "get the love to come back."
Last edited by jajacobsen; 04-08-2011 at 02:02 PM.
things on vacation with my DH & kids did not go well. Several of his relatives attacked me for some issue related to MIL and he did not defend me, even though the attack was unfounded, a rumor that was later discredited, and DH acknowledges that it was unfounded. We never really established who had started the rumor. Several people in his family were blamed. DH initially sided with his family. It is too long to go into details and would reveal my identity to some people here who know about the situation.
I found it difficult to believe that DH would not defend me after knowing me for 10 years; I have found it hard to forgive DH over the situation. I am sorry not to explain more.
DH only recently realized how deep the breach between us has gone. He took us out for a weekend recently and when i refused to share the hotel room bed with him (it was a suite, and i slept in the kids' room) he was shocked that i refused to reconcile. I just felt like things had not changed, we still hadn't learned to communicate and he was trying to cut the problem down the middle by insisting on sex.
I want to move out of our home and back to my parents' hometown. I don't know how to bring this up. I have been back to my counselor a few times. She thinks my husband is a good man, and that the guy i was interested in sounds like a cruel jerk. This is true; i agree with her, but i don't love my husband anymore, and nothing can change that. I just need to get up the nerve to leave.
The 'cruel jerk' has threatened to post my contact info on an anonymous website. He teases/threatens me by putting my partial phone number up on personal ads with a physical description of me, with my hometown and age along with it, to scare me. Well, he's stopped doing that, but it did happen 2-3 times. I am pretty scared about it, and I don't think i can prove harassment per se, and probably could prove nothing unless i actually started receiving phone calls or someone appeared at my door (thinking i'd solicited them when it was actually someone else impersonating me.)
i would appreciate it nobody reading this would do any sort of guessing game as to the NAME of this website. I don't want internet searches popping up for this thread. Thanks in advance. I don't want to sue the guy. I just want him to leave me alone. I don't really know what to do. I've been living in fear since June. I definitely think karma has served me up on toast for this whole problem. I never even slept with the guy. He just turned out to be quite disturbed. I sure know how to pick 'em.
I've told DH about the harassment but he does not believe me. I don't feel I can depend on him for anything, protection of any sort.
I think if i moved back to my parents' hometown it might be easier to get over this. I am at the end of my rope. Sometimes i think suicide is the only answer.
No, I'm not anywhere near ending it. I just think about it.
I would advise all of the ladies here to never ever communicate on an anonymous website with anyone. If they have your contact info they can blackmail you just like that.
I am not sure i will be offering any more updates. I really don't think anyone can help me. I just want out of my current city and living situation and i want my kids and my DH to be safe and i want to get a divorce. I have done more damage to my family than i could ever have imagined i would just by developing feelings for someone who paid attention to me when i was lonely. I blame myself entirely for my situation and don't think therapy or anyone or anything could help. I think my family would be better off without me. I think DH does deserve better. And so do my kids. I just want out. I need to figure out how to get a divorce. It would be the best situation for everyone involved.
I think you need to make an emergency appointment with your therapist - or any therapist. You have said you suffer from depression. Now there seems to be some suicidal thoughts and a huge amount of anxiety. If you are currently taking anti-depressants, you may need your dosage adjusted or a different presciption. If you are not taking anti-depressants, then you may want to explore doing so.
I never posted about it here, but about 2 motnhs ago, my sister suffered a nervous breakdown along with a suicide attempt. Some of the words you wrote in your last post sounded extremely like her comments right before and after the episode. But two months later, she is one a different protocol, has made some real changes in her life - her hsuband has made some changes - and life is slowly getting better for her.
I fear for you because you seem in such an unhappy, negative place. It may be very hard to hear and believe this, but your children's and your husband's life will not be made better without you in it. That is not what they want and I doubt that is what you truly want. Please take thsi as a wakeup call and get someone you can trust - your parents, a sibling , someone, be honest wit them about how you feel an dseek help, I truly believe it will be better if you do so.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} Believe me. NONE of this is as bad as it seems now.
Do not leave your children. No matter how horribly you think you have messed things up, children always want their own mother. The hurt of leaving them will be not even comparable to the problems created by your marital discord. If you need to leave for a short time to regain your emotional stability, please do so by letting the children know that you are going and will come back for them. Divorce will leave a wound but abandoning them will break their hearts, and they don't deserve it.
Take Jaja's advice and go the therapist now to help you regain your mental health because any mother who is of her right mind would not contemplate leaving her children.
For the record, there are mothers in their right mind who "would contemplate leaving their children". I think it would take more courage for a mother who was in her right mind to make a decision that her children would be better with someone else for a variety of reasons. It doesn't make her mentally ill.
For the record, there are mothers in their right mind who "would contemplate leaving their children". I think it would take more courage for a mother who was in her right mind to make a decision that her children would be better with someone else for a variety of reasons. It doesn't make her mentally ill.
Contemplating vs doing are to very different things, and you are right rational mothers do have fleeting thoughts of believing that they wish they could run away from their kids. Yes some mothers should contemplate leaving their children in the care of someone else bc they can't be a good mother, but nothing in her posts indicate she is has been an abusive or neglectful mother. I think leaving your child when the child is a baby is very different than leaving a child who has already attached to you.
Personally I think if you must leave your family temporarily to figure things out then so be it. But please do not consider suicide. I know 3 people who lost parents to suicide (2 were young adults and 1 was a child when it happened) and it is devastating and something that will hurt them for the rest of their lives.
Have you talked to your DH about a divorce or a seperation? How does he feel about that? Do you really feel that you can and want to leave your children? I hope that you will stop thinking about suicide -it will not make anything better for anyone. How would your children feel to not have a mom anymore - it would hurt them terribly! I hope that you have been able to get in to talk to your therapist.
As unpleasant as the blackmail sounds, I wonder if he would just leave you alone if you can pretend that it's not affecting you. I hope that you are not corresponding with him anymore. Can you block him from your email? Did you meet him in person? Does he know where you live? If so, I would at least contact the police so that you can get some sort of documentation started, even if it does seem embarassing to do so.
Originally Posted by jajacobsen
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