I wanted to know if members here at CC would stay in a loveless marriage, for the sake of the children or in the hopes that love would come back someday.
I fell in love with someone else. I was not physically unfaithful - i just fell in love. I can see now that it probably would not work out, even if i got divorced. The other guy doesn't take responsibility for anything - love or lust or infatuation, whatever it was, i recognize it would not work. The only saving grace is that it never got physical.
I felt far from my husband before i fell in love with someone else, and now that i have fallen for this other guy, it feels completely over.
I told my husband that i was not in love anymore, and that i'd fallen for someone else, but that i hadn't been unfaithful. So i've been honest. But....i find it almost impossible to be affectionate towards my husband now, because of past issues which i just have not been able to resolve, and because i don't feel attracted anymore.
Is divorce the only option? I am in counseling; DH won't go.
I don't know what your religious beliefs are but there is a movie called Fireproof that you may want to watch. I haven't seen it personally but I've heard good things about it. It is based on the book Love Dares.
Honestly I don't know if you can fall back in love with your husband. The bigger question is do you want to? If the answer is yes, then try. If not, move on. I don't think I would stay for the sake of the children. However, if your husband is not on board with counseling...I just don't know. Is he against counseling? Does he feel he/your relationship doesn't need counseling? Are his feelings the same as yours?
I think it's possible to reignite a spark that used to be there, if both people are committed to going back to the dating/wooing stage. It may or may not happen, but it's possible.
However, if you're the only one making an attempt, it's not going to work. You'll end up feeling rejected, isolated, resentful, bitter, depressed.....any combo of the above. When you say your husband isn't interested in counseling, it makes me wonder, because this has been going on for a few years now for you.
How did he react when you told him about your feelings? What did he say when you asked him about couples counseling? Is he happy or comfortable with the status quo? If he's not interested in changing things or putting an effort in, there is only so much you can do to hang onto the marriage. Both of you deserve to be happier than this. I'm so sorry your relationship hasn't gotten any better since you posted before.
Well I commend you for 1) not entering into a physical affair, 2) having the clarity to see your romantic interest in his true light and not just an idealized version, and 3) going to therapy.
Do you WANT to save your marriage? Does your husband? Have you asked him?
If yes, the marriage won't heal itself. Doing what you've always done pretty much got you where you are today. It's not going to get better until you two start talking about what went wrong.
If you can establish communication either within or outside of counseling (though trying to do it on your own is hardly ever successful) then you have a shot at saving your marriage. If you do not communicate and discuss "what went wrong and what can we do to fix it" then you will either divorce or remain unhappily married. You can't control him but you can be very clear as to the need to dicuss and start working on this.
But no, staying in a loveless marriage hoping the "love will come back someday" is pretty much like hoping that one will get thinner or better looking without having to diet or exercise. That kind of magic doesn't happen. Bitterness and resentment take root, or apathy at the very least (which is sounds like you and your husband are experiencing).
ok, so last night i was watching "Eat Pray Love" - which is about a divorced woman traveling the world.
i just bought Fireproof and maybe i will watch it alone or invite DH to watch it with me.
i don't really want to fall back in love right now. but i think he cried his eyes out last night and i am sorry for the pain i am causing him. he says i won't give him any hope at all of fixing things. so i came here to try to sort out what my intentions/feelings are. right now i feel pretty dead about it.
i don't know if he is against counseling per se, but every time i've brought it up he has batted it away.
Originally Posted by akacharlotte
I don't know what your religious beliefs are but there is a movie called Fireproof that you may want to watch. I haven't seen it personally but I've heard good things about it. It is based on the book Love Dares.
Honestly I don't know if you can fall back in love with your husband. The bigger question is do you want to? If the answer is yes, then try. If not, move on. I don't think I would stay for the sake of the children. However, if your husband is not on board with counseling...I just don't know. Is he against counseling? Does he feel he/your relationship doesn't need counseling? Are his feelings the same as yours?
when i told him about my feelings, at first he thought it was....mental illness or stress. (my mother has a history of paranoia/schizophrenia.) i haven't really SEEN the guy in question for a very long time, only corresponded with him online, even though he lives about an hour away. so....you see why my husband maybe thought it was just a .....something like a junior high school crush. (which is what its felt like too, except much much stronger.) i was afraid of it becoming physical, so i've turned down opportunities to meet this other man.
now my husband realizes the damage my feelings for this man has done to our marriage....but, too late, or almost too late.
Last edited by anon27; 03-29-2011 at 11:24 AM.
Reason: to clarify
i do recognize that we need to work on it. but i often feel like we are having 2 different conversations when we talk.
i only want to take action because it seems like.....i am giving up on this so easily. because it seems like i haven't put in the effort. but i am just so angry with DH. the times i told him i was sick and he changed the subject. the times he was taking video of our kids for MIL and asked me to get out of the picture. the time i asked him to put a knife up high out of reach so our child could not play with it, and he screamed at me instead of agreeing. the times he just seemed indifferent to anything i wanted.....a house, a better neighborhood (a lot of drug users here), the times he just seemed to care about his job and not about me. i am just so angry.
thank you for listening. i am not sure if i am just holding on to a grudge or what for the sake of having an excuse to get out of this. sometimes i feel like that is the case.
Originally Posted by jajacobsen
Well I commend you for 1) not entering into a physical affair, 2) having the clarity to see your romantic interest in his true light and not just an idealized version, and 3) going to therapy.
Do you WANT to save your marriage? Does your husband? Have you asked him?
If yes, the marriage won't heal itself. Doing what you've always done pretty much got you where you are today. It's not going to get better until you two start talking about what went wrong.
If you can establish communication either within or outside of counseling (though trying to do it on your own is hardly ever successful) then you have a shot at saving your marriage. If you do not communicate and discuss "what went wrong and what can we do to fix it" then you will either divorce or remain unhappily married. You can't control him but you can be very clear as to the need to dicuss and start working on this.
But no, staying in a loveless marriage hoping the "love will come back someday" is pretty much like hoping that one will get thinner or better looking without having to diet or exercise. That kind of magic doesn't happen. Bitterness and resentment take root, or apathy at the very least (which is sounds like you and your husband are experiencing).
you know, i mention all these bad things about him, and then i fail to mention he's worked extremely hard for us, stuck through with me through all the diaper changes, taken good care of our 2 kids, he never wanted to put them in danger, but the knife argument in our home was very explosive. but he is not a bad man, or a bad father. he loves our 2 children, quite clearly loves them very much. and they love him too....i don't want to live far away where he never saw them, you know? even though it would be so much cheaper.
i just feel like he has failed me at almost every turn when i really, really needed him to show me love and support, not disagreement.
what have *I* done to damage our marriage, besides fall in love with someone....i've been very depressed for a long time, extremely irritable and anxious, and my depression has caused harm to all of us. i am supposed to go see a doctor about treating this soon, but for now i am just seeing a counselor.
I think people can fall back into love. I think all marriages/relationships are cyclical. There have been times when I was not particularly fond of DH and definitely didn't want to be around him. Or, times when we just didn't have time to spend together as a couple and that seemed to drive us apart. But, I was aware of those times and would make a VERY concious effort to try to fix it.
Sometimes it can be weird/awkward. But a hug, a kiss, a lingering hand on his arm - physical contact can do a lot. It won't happen overnight (nor should it IMO). But it can happen again. How did you guys fall in love in the first place? You spent time together, you talked, you wrote love notes/emails -etc. If you want to save the marriage, fight for it. But if it's something you have no interest in, cut your losses and move on.
thank you. we are going on vacation soon. maybe being far away from the setting we are currently in will help. i don't know though. i tend to shudder nowadays at the prospect of being physical.
i am just tired of being the only one who ever brings up anything that is wrong, and realizing that DH had no idea anything was wrong, period, til after i said something. i feel like i do all the work, and i'm tired of him having no idea what to do to fix things, and i'm tired of verbalizing what i need and him not ever realizing it on his own, without my expressly saying something. is that unfair?
Last edited by anon27; 03-30-2011 at 02:18 PM.
Reason: clarify
Can love come back once its gone?
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Originally Posted by akacharlotte
