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  1. #1
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    Default Caught husband watching porn

    On Monday night I came downstairs after putting DD to bed and found my husband watching porn on the computer. He had earphones on so he didn't hear me come downstairs. Now I am not naive, I know it's not the first time he has watched it, but it's the first time I have ever actually seen him do it. I am so hurt. I feel disrepected, humiliated and like a failure as a wife. I feel like he cheated on me in a way. I keep having visions of him when I caught him- and how he will be thinking of porn when we are together.

    This is not to start an argument on whether porn is okay or not, it's more to find out if anyone else has had similar feelings, or I am nuts? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

  2. #2
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    I might be in the minority here, but I don't think there is anything "wrong" with porn. You put in your post that you knew he watched it--why does it upset you that you actually saw him doing it? And why would it make you feel disrespected and like a failure? You might want to talk with your husband and let him know how you feel, but I am sure he wasn't' watching it to make you feel bad about yourself. Porn is a way for people (not just men) to de-stress, relax and sometimes even improve sex lives.

    Now if he is watching it 24/7 and has a porn addiction..that is another thing entirely!

  3. #3
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    You might want to read this old thread.

    Honestly, porn doesn't bother me. But, I agree with Beth. If you knew he watched it before and it didn't bother you much, why does it bother you now? If there is not some longstanding agreement in your marriage that porn is not allowed, then your DH didn't do anything wrong.
    DD Feb '08
    DS June '11
    DD Jan '15

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by PookiePrincess View Post
    You might want to read this old thread.

    Honestly, porn doesn't bother me. But, I agree with Beth. If you knew he watched it before and it didn't bother you much, why does it bother you now? If there is not some longstanding agreement in your marriage that porn is not allowed, then your DH didn't do anything wrong.
    ITA. Why does that make you a failure? I think him watching porn in no way equates you being a failure or any other issues. Now if you have other issues going on, then I guess I might be able to see the big jump.

  5. #5
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    I think your feelings are normal, if not completely rational. You know your husband watches occassionally, when you think about it logically it doesn't bother you, but when you are confronted with it out of the blue, you have an unexpectedly strong emotional reaction. I think many women probably have experienced something similar at some point.

    What to do now? If it really bothers you, talk to your husband about it. But don't condemn or demean him. Men tend to be very, very visual and that is why porn is so gratifying to them. Possibly you two can come to an understanding as to time and place. Or if this is has never been a problem before in an otherwise happy marriage, then accept it for what it is: fantasy. If it really bothers you, then you and your husband need to discuss boundaries, especially in your home.

    But I doubt very seriously that your husband prefers the women on the video to you. He was probably just curious and, at a base level, titillated. It doesn't mean he wants that in real life and it doesn't mean he prefers that to you. We all look at new cars, clothes, homes, etc. from time to time, but it doesn't mean we intend to get them or even want them. Sometimes its fun to think about what life might be like in the home in Cozumel even though we know IRL we much prefer where we live now because of proximity to friends family, job, etc....
    Last edited by jajacobsen; 09-27-2010 at 04:20 AM.

  6. #6
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    If he doesn't know you have an issue with him watching porn, then yes, in a way I do think you are making a big deal out of nothing. If he isn't aware that porn is outside your boundaries or that you feel disrespected by it, then it isn't really fair to think he was disrespecting you.

    Do you want him to give up porn entirely, or is it just that you want him to be more careful with it so you never come across evidence of his use? Either way, talk with him (if you haven't already), and tell him that you saw him and it was very hurtful to you, and ask him if he's willing to give it up or be more discrete.
    'Thou shalt not' might reach the head, but it takes 'Once upon a time' to reach the heart.-Philip Pullman

  7. #7
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    It sounds like it is confronting the reality of catching him in the act that is bothering as you already knew he watches. Perhaps a conversation with him stating you don't have a problem with him watching porn but maybe he could take some precautions to do it when you are not around, behind closed doors etc.

    I "caught" DH watching porn late one night. He couldn't sleep and I woke up and went to find him. I was embarassed. Not because he was watching but because I walked in on him in what I considered at that moment a private act.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by akacharlotte View Post
    It sounds like it is confronting the reality of catching him in the act that is bothering as you already knew he watches. Perhaps a conversation with him stating you don't have a problem with him watching porn but maybe he could take some precautions to do it when you are not around, behind closed doors etc.

    I "caught" DH watching porn late one night. He couldn't sleep and I woke up and went to find him. I was embarassed. Not because he was watching but because I walked in on him in what I considered at that moment a private act.
    i agree with this !
    j & k 1/03
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  9. #9
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    Honestly? I think it's a tad dramatic to feel cheated on when you knew he looked at porn. If it is really bothering you, then tell him why. Then let it go. I really think he'll get pretty tired of hearing that you feel like a failure over seeing him look at porn pretty quickly. Know what I mean? Don't let a molehill become some kind of mountain.

    I'm not trying to be mean. I don't know you and how you typically respond to problems. I can only say that to ME it seems like something not worth making yourself or him feel like crap about.

    I actually think it's surprising that someone would be more okay with him watching porn "sneakily" than just being open about it!
    Why do people kill people who kill people to show people that to kill people - is bad?

  10. #10
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    Is it possible that he intended for you to catch him? It seems a bit of a set up to masturbate where you could catch him so easily. Maybe he was hoping for a more positive response from you.

    As for porn, I think it is normal and healthy to masturbate and that many people like to view pornography either alone or with their partners. It's extremely common and not in the least deviant. I do not understand why you would feel disrespected, humiliated, and a failure as a wife. Your husband is a sexual being and I believe that being married involved embracing fully our partner's sexuality with all of its quirks. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? I am sure that he would reassure you that he respects you and honors you.
    Nothing can withstand the power of millions of voices calling for change. Obama 08. Yes We Can.
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