The past is the past. If things never changed between people, it would be a very different world we live in. Maybe your friend had an affair and she's embarrassed and ashamed. Maybe she's decided she's a lesbian and she's afraid everyone will call her a sinner. Maybe she's been hiding years of emotional abuse from everyone, and she doesn't want to have that discussion right now. There could be a million reasons why she doesn't want to talk about any part of this situation with you now, and just because she shared with you in the past is no reason to demand it from her now. That is not what friendship is about.
If you don't feel like you can take your daughter over to her house without prying or causing her to "lose it," then by all means, don't go there. But don't blame that on your friend. She's doing the best she can and has put in her requests. Honor them or don't, but don't be shocked if you keep pushing her and it ends your friendship.
Also, what her brother does is completely unrelated to you and your choices regarding your friend. Are you gossiping with him about her situation behind her back? That's NOT caring and concern, that's just stupid. Besides, her brother may be pissing her off, too, so it's not necessarily a great comparison.
Rather than tell you what everyone else has been saying (and I agree with), since you want to make this about you, we'll make it about you:
Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it with you because she doesn't want you to think she's a failure. You've never been through a divorce. (Your own.) No matter how many times your parents get married and divorced, unless YOU are the one going through the actual divorce, you cannot relate. ("Oh, but, but, but...") Nope, still not you.
My friend and I have gone through everything together. High school graduation, my parents divorce, our engagements, our weddings, my graduation from graduate school, the birth our our children and raising them.
So what? This is something she is going through, not you.
Or, maybe, JUST MAYBE, she wants to see you and not talk about it because, since YOU are not going through it, she's hoping to escape the chaos in her life. Problem is, you don't want to seem to let her.
Yeah, really, you are having some major problems here and I think counseling is a top priority for you.
Why on earth would you think that you shouldn't bring your child to see her? Does your friend have a history of just totally going batshit crazy when someone asks a harmless question? I mean, you asking "So is your husband still living there?" and then dropping the subject wouldn't cause a violent reaction in most people, but I suppose if you are hounding her with question after question and demanding that she tell you exactly what is going on then yeah, she might blow up at you because you won't leave her alone.
Once again, if any of my friends kept their kids away from me while I was going through a divorce because they thought I might be some sort of mental time bomb that would detonate, well, I'd think there was something wrong with that person.
It is clear to everyone on this board (except you) that your friend wants to go out and have a good time WITHOUT having to talk about her divorce. Why? Who the eff cares? It is her business. Maybe she doesn't want to talk to you about it BECAUSE of the way you are reacting right now.
If you can't be a good friend to her (and you aren't being one right now, FYI) then you need to back off and go to therapy and find out why you feel that you are entitled to the nitty gritty details of your friend's divorce. Sure you have been friends for a long time, but people change and grow and their relationships change. That's just a part of life.
It sounds like you have some MAJOR unresolved issues with your parents' divorce and this is stirring them up. Please do yourself a favor and get some help.
How to deal with your sadness?
Get therapy - professionals are trained for this stuff.
When you're feeling sad:
Find a hobby
Do things with your family
Read a book
Watch a movie
Exercise
Go shopping
Do complicated math problems in your head (it's hard to think about anything else when you're doing math in your head)
Take a bubble bath
Paint your toenails
Hang out with other friends
If you understand why she might be pulling away, then leave her be and take care of YOURSELF. Fill your time with things that don't involve thinking about her situation, sending her cards, talking with her brother, or trying to cajole her into having discussions she clearly doesn't want to have.
Do you not have any other friends or family members that you can talk to or hang out with or see a movie with or anything? I've said it before and I'll say it again...you HAVE to prepare yourself for the possibility of a life for YOURSELF without this friend as a part of it. At least not to the same degree it was, for now. Yes that is sad, but you can't change it right now. Find a way to cope that doesn't involve her at all - therapy is an excellent idea.
maybe her divorce doesn't have to be sad. usually, people divorce because they are not happy; divorcing can give people an opportunity to start anew with a new life in front of them, full of potential.
perhaps you're not giving your friend enough credit. you are viewing her sitation as dire, sad and terrible. by looking at a situation like this, it must be difficult for you to notice her strength, power and goodness. i think that your key role in this situation should not be to take pity, but to show your friend how strong you know she is. you can do this by letting her be and respecting her wishes. by continuing to feel bad, and telling her how bad you feel, you are giving off the impression that you feel her situation is futile. on the other hand, by supporting her the way she requested, it will show her that you know she has the control and ability to change her life for the better - on her own.
maybe her divorce doesn't have to be sad. usually, people divorce because they are not happy; divorcing can give people an opportunity to start anew with a new life in front of them, full of potential.
perhaps you're not giving your friend enough credit. you are viewing her sitation as dire, sad and terrible. by looking at a situation like this, it must be difficult for you to notice her strength, power and goodness. i think that your key role in this situation should not be to take pity, but to show your friend how strong you know she is. you can do this by letting her be and respecting her wishes. by continuing to feel bad, and telling her how bad you feel, you are giving off the impression that you feel her situation is futile. on the other hand, by supporting her the way she requested, it will show her that you know she has the control and ability to change her life for the better - on her own.
This is a good point. When I tell people i am divorced, they get this pained look and say "I'm so sorry...". I always reply with "I'm not!!! It's the best thing I've ever done!" (Before anyone misinterprets, it has been the most challenging thing I've ever done, and the hardest thing I've ever done.) But I am truly happier now. So be happy for your friend that she is strong enough to take the reigns and lead her life in a positive direction. Most people are too weak to do that.
I agree that sometimes a divorce can be better than a bad marriage. In the few things that my friend has said to me she says the divorce is a long time coming and that it is heartbreaking.
I want to support her and am concerned for her because she has only worked for 6 months since we graduated from high school 20 years ago. She took care of her dad who was elderly and dying so her mom could work. She then went to travel school and worked in a hotel for six months. She has no other training and I know that it will be difficult for her to take care of her daughter and try to find a job, get job training.
I have felt for a long time that she has been searching for happiness in the wrong places. Internet, motherhood and she had nothing else. In a way the situation may help her find her identity.
"If you want to do something for world peace, cultivate kindness,
stop hating, and have hope for all individuals including you."
-- Patricia Sun
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Originally Posted by Miriam
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