I'm kind of confused as to why everyone is coming down on the OP so hard. Yes, she cheated, but by her admission her husband has been a pretty shitty mate. He doesn't kiss her? They don't have sex? I wouldn't hang in that long. I don't even know if I'd go about things the "right" way--i.e., stay with him and be faithful until we dissolved the marriage.
OP sounds confused. Her husband sounds kind of weird and maybe has some sort of problem. I don't know how I'd deal with it either. So she cheated and focused her attentions on Brad. But she feels guilty about it and doesn't know what to do. She has a child with Mr. No-Sex, and this is not a black and white situation--i.e., he's not beating her or treating their child poorly, or gambling all their money away, or addicted to drugs.
This forum has a history of being REALLY freaked out by cheating/cheaters/etc., though, to the point where I once speculated that most people here would rather have their spouse die than cheat on them.
"Every man is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him" - Emerson
I would say he knows and clearly doesn't care. Which would lead me (again) to believe that he's got his own thing going on over on the side. I would really like a faithful person to stand up and said they would wish their spouse well when the spouse was going on an overnight that their crush was at. Seriously.
He's probably doing to you what you're doing to him. You guys have got to sort it out and not play games with each other. And make a decision outside of this other guy. Things might not (and probably won't) work out with him so do what's right for you and your kids.
This sounds about right to me. The guy has some weird issue going on. He's probably cheating, himself, or he's gay, or something. He probably is willing to work on the marriage for the same reason the OP is--because they have a kid together and they are thinking about him.
"Every man is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him" - Emerson
This isn't just a physical affair, it's emotional. That is unfair to her husband. He needs to be told the truth otherwise he's going to keep thinking it's his fault.
From what I've read (granted it's just the one side) I can't believe her husband would ever think it's his fault, or really care. A man that doesn't kiss you, have sex with you, and then tells you to get a hotel room when he knows you are going to be out with another guy, just doesn't seem all that emotionally vested.
Oh, and suzu, I know you are going to disagree with anything I say, so I really could care less.
What the ... Look, I'm not the type to automatically disagree with anyone, but even if I were to suddenly become that shallow, why would I have a knee-jerk reaction towards you? I can't decide which is more bizarre: That someone I have had zero online interaction with would say I'd automatically disagree with her, or that she would spend all of post #80 trying to prove something, and then immediately say she "could [sic] care less."
I thought your "pat on the back" comment was uncalled for. That's all. Get a grip.
I'm kind of confused as to why everyone is coming down on the OP so hard. Yes, she cheated, but by her admission her husband has been a pretty shitty mate. He doesn't kiss her? They don't have sex? I wouldn't hang in that long. I don't even know if I'd go about things the "right" way--i.e., stay with him and be faithful until we dissolved the marriage.
OP sounds confused. Her husband sounds kind of weird and maybe has some sort of problem. I don't know how I'd deal with it either. So she cheated and focused her attentions on Brad. But she feels guilty about it and doesn't know what to do. She has a child with Mr. No-Sex, and this is not a black and white situation--i.e., he's not beating her or treating their child poorly, or gambling all their money away, or addicted to drugs.
This forum has a history of being REALLY freaked out by cheating/cheaters/etc., though, to the point where I once speculated that most people here would rather have their spouse die than cheat on them.
All I know is that if the OP really wants to save her marriage and work on it, she can't do it with this kind of deceit going on.
The whole Brad situation is like a get out of jail free card she's carrying in her back pocket. Unless her husband is perfect from here on out, she'll always be thinking of greener pastures - and her husband won't have all of the information he needs to handle the situation. Plus, comparing her husband to Brad is like comparing a living person to a dead one. She doesn't really know Brad - all she sees right now is the perfect representative he's presented to her (save the part of him that's cheating on his wife)... how can her husband possibly compete against perfection?
The affair was one thing. Her husband's non-attendance in their marriage was another. But her continued deceit is another issue too - you can't have a successful marriage with that kind of dishonesty. Believe it or not, her husband can probably sense it. And what if there is a problem? Maybe he might be encouraged to face up to it if he knew how bad the situation was?
I'm sorry, I'm back to my theory that the OP doesn't want to come clean about the affair because she doesn't want to be called the 'bad guy'. But until BOTH parties admit fault in this marriage, I don't see how it can be saved. But maybe the OP doesn't want to save it.
And what if her husband is perfect from here on out (unrealistic, since no one is perfect)? What if he starts gushing over her and thanking her for never stepping out on him or whatever and how most women would have done that, etc..? Wouldn't the guilt just be awful? And then what? She'd confess and then her husband would realize that the marriage he thought he'd rebuilt from the ashes was a lie because she'd lied to him? How would THAT help?
Or maybe she'd make sure it worked out with Brad and only tell her husband as a parting shot, leaving all of the blame for the affair and the demise of the marriage at his feet?
Seriously, with the defensive posts coming from the OP, those are the 2 scenarios I see unfolding. And I think it sucks.
I think it's cruel to possibly go on pretending as though all of the fault for the marriage being like this is on the husband. I think it's cruel to have him jumping through hoops - with him never knowing he's being unfairly compared to another man the whole time. That's no way to have the kind of marriage the OP wants.
The OP isn't a horrible person - but I think the OP is still stuck in defensive mode due to her own guilt over having this affair. She wants to blame her husband for the affair, rather than sit down and look at what moral breakdown occurred within her to have the affair (as if she had no other choice, which is untrue). I get all of that about her husband essentially abandoning her in the marriage, but two wrongs don't make a right. I know that's a cliche, but her affair hasn't helped the situation. It really only clouded it. Thankfully she can now know what she needs from her husband - but since she's still emotionally wrapped up in Brad, I think that neither she nor her husband will have a real chance to work on this marriage.
But I kinda get the feeling nothing I say will make a difference.
"Keep your bleep bleep government hands off my Medicare!" - angry protester at healthcare reform townhall
Personally, I think if the OP wants to re-commit to be with her DH, then she has to tell him about the affair. Yes, he may already suspect it, but denial can be a powerful thing. I just don't think you can expect to save a marriage without having such an important detail out in the open. It may be a dealbreaker to him, or it may not be, but I think he deserves to know and be allowed to make that decision for himself.
I don't see anyone coming down on her for having the affair. I see people telling her that if she wants to have any chance at all of rebuilding her marriage, she has to be honest with her husband. Both the OP and her husband have effed things up here, and they should lay it all out on the table before going any further. If he is gay, or cheating, shouldn't he be honest about that at this point as well? Or should they go through a year of trying to patch things up and then he can come out of the closet?
i think the OP should try to spend some time alone to see if she can figure out why she 1) married a man who was emotionally unavailable to her, and 2) chose to have an affair with another man who is also unavailable to her, because he is married. i think she should get out of her marriage and out of this relationship with this other man, spend some time on her own and see what she really wants.
i don't think its necessary for her to tell her DH about the affair, it sounds like the marriage is over for him and for her both, already.
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Originally Posted by jenahdawn
Look, I'm not the type to automatically disagree with anyone, but even if I were to suddenly become that shallow, why would I have a knee-jerk reaction towards you? I can't decide which is more bizarre: That someone I have had zero online interaction with would say I'd automatically disagree with her, or that she would spend all of post #80 trying to prove something, and then immediately say she "could [sic] care less." 
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