The only reason you would be throwing it in his face is if you've decided you are done with him and it would be a parting shot.
Otherwise, it could be in a conversation to really discuss the honest state of your marriage. You say that your DH goes outside of your marriage when he has issues (he'll talk to his parents instead of you) - but that's exactly what you've done with Brad.
You are both responsible for the state of this marriage. Not talking about it to him isn't helping. Telling yourself he already 'knows' about Brad isn't helping either if you haven't told him.
Honestly? The reason I believe from what I'm reading that you haven't told your husband about Brad is because you don't want to be the bad guy, which is understandable. Having an affair (especially for someone raised as you were) is really, really hard on your sense of morality and your perceived image of yourself.
And of course, you don't want to be made to feel like the marriage ending is your fault - and I think you fear that your DH will blame you for the marriage ending and possibly not take responsibility for what he did to get you both to this point in your marriage. Having said that, YOU also need to take responsibility for what you have done (both before Brad and after Brad) to get you both to this point in your marriage. After you had the affair, you kinda lost your moral high ground.
And that's good. Because it means that both of you are essentially at the same level. It means both of you can be open and candid about the state of your marriage.
I think this comes down to one question: Do you honestly want to keep living like this? I agree with diam124, a 'friendly' marriage where you have no connection to your partner isn't a marriage that I'd want to be in. My ex-fi was like that. His parents never fought, so he thought a healthy marriage looked like theirs. My parents argued a lot, but I ALWAYS saw them make up and I saw the evidence of them working through issues, not this fake 'life is perfect' smokescreen my ex-fi grew up with, where he thought that a fight meant you were headed for divorce. I'd rather DIE than end up with someone like him - who thinks marriage is some sort of fairytale where people never have conflict or that conflict=divorce.
I'm not saying leave, but I am saying that you can take steps to either 1) work toward the marriage you want to have or 2) dissolve the marriage and be alone for a while to work on you.
Number 1 requires that your husband is as invested in that goal as you are. It also requires that you be fully honest with him, ESPECIALLY since it's not like the affair was a one-time thing and you're over Brad. You aren't. You are still emotionally invested in another man and that's not fair to you or your marriage. Or your husband. You BOTH have to be all in this in order for it to work. If you can't do that, then you need to dissolve the marriage.
But like I said, I really believe people should have to work at getting out of a marriage - I really think you should tell your husband about Brad. Not because you want to hurt him or because you think he'll 'wake up', but because it's a necessary step to learning if your marriage has a chance to make it with both of you 100% in it. You cannot learn the answer to this keeping secrets.
The risk, of course, is that your husband blames you and the marriage ends anyway and you end up looking like the bad guy... but honestly, isn't that better than staying stuck in this mess and knowing you never even attempted to have full honesty?
"Keep your bleep bleep government hands off my Medicare!" - angry protester at healthcare reform townhall
The only reason you would be throwing it in his face is if you've decided you are done with him and it would be a parting shot.
Otherwise, it could be in a conversation to really discuss the honest state of your marriage. You say that your DH goes outside of your marriage when he has issues (he'll talk to his parents instead of you) - but that's exactly what you've done with Brad.
You are both responsible for the state of this marriage. Not talking about it to him isn't helping. Telling yourself he already 'knows' about Brad isn't helping either if you haven't told him.
Honestly? The reason I believe from what I'm reading that you haven't told your husband about Brad is because you don't want to be the bad guy, which is understandable. Having an affair (especially for someone raised as you were) is really, really hard on your sense of morality and your perceived image of yourself.
And of course, you don't want to be made to feel like the marriage ending is your fault - and I think you fear that your DH will blame you for the marriage ending and possibly not take responsibility for what he did to get you both to this point in your marriage. Having said that, YOU also need to take responsibility for what you have done (both before Brad and after Brad) to get you both to this point in your marriage. After you had the affair, you kinda lost your moral high ground.
And that's good. Because it means that both of you are essentially at the same level. It means both of you can be open and candid about the state of your marriage.
I think this comes down to one question: Do you honestly want to keep living like this? I agree with diam124, a 'friendly' marriage where you have no connection to your partner isn't a marriage that I'd want to be in. My ex-fi was like that. His parents never fought, so he thought a healthy marriage looked like theirs. My parents argued a lot, but I ALWAYS saw them make up and I saw the evidence of them working through issues, not this fake 'life is perfect' smokescreen my ex-fi grew up with, where he thought that a fight meant you were headed for divorce. I'd rather DIE than end up with someone like him - who thinks marriage is some sort of fairytale where people never have conflict or that conflict=divorce.
I'm not saying leave, but I am saying that you can take steps to either 1) work toward the marriage you want to have or 2) dissolve the marriage and be alone for a while to work on you.
Number 1 requires that your. husband is as invested in that goal as you are. It also requires that you be fully honest with him, ESPECIALLY since it's not like the affair was a one-time thing and you're over Brad. You aren't. You are still emotionally invested in another man and that's not fair to you or your marriage. Or your husband. You BOTH have to be all in this in order for it to work. If you can't do that, then you need to dissolve the marriage.
But like I said, I really believe people should have to work at getting out of a marriage - I really think you should tell your husband about Brad. Not because you want to hurt him or because you think he'll 'wake up', but because it's a necessary step to learning if your marriage has a chance to make it with both of you 100% in it. You cannot learn the answer to this keeping secrets.
The risk, of course, is that your husband blames you and the marriage ends anyway and you end up looking like the bad guy... but honestly, isn't that better than staying stuck in this mess and knowing you never even attempted to have full honesty?
You made a lot of good points in this. If I decide to stay in the marriage, I agree that DH needs to be told about Brad, or we'll never get to the place we need to be. It would always be hanging over my head and that's not what I want. We will also probably need good marriage counseling to make it through and past everything that has happened over the past 7 years.
But the question still out there, that I can't answer right at this moment is, is it worth more fighting for or is it time to let it go? Can a love and a good marriage develop when it was never really there? I know it would be much easier to fall back into love, but I don't think this is the case with us. I think this is one of the reasons I'm pulled so hard towards Brad. I'm feeling that true love feeling that I've never felt for my DH. All of you who said Brad may not be the answer are right and I'll admit, he may not be, but he has opened my eyes up to what I am missing in my marriage and has made me realize that BOTH DH and I deserve more.
All of you who said Brad may not be the answer are right and I'll admit, he may not be, but he has opened my eyes up to what I am missing in my marriage
Take Brad out of the equation. He shouldn't be part of it at all. He's opened your eyes to what you should be getting...what? A guy who can't commit to you because he's cheating on his wife?
Take him out of it and work on either saving or ending your marriage.
If you decide to work on saving it, your DH needs to be told so you can be totally honest with each other.
If you decide to end it, your DH needs to be told so he doesn't blame himself or find out later and really feel stupid.
I just want to add one more point that I think people often miss in situations like this. I do not believe that there can be real love without total honesty. Perhaps you've loved Brad all of this time (before you married and now) and that dishonesty prevented you from ever being able to love your husband in a similar way.
Perhaps your husband can sense that as well.
I'm just saying that love requires emotional intimacy and it requires trust. When you don't have those, it can be really hard to feel connected to the person you are with. Right now with Brad, you have the physical intimacy, but I would venture to guess that you don't have true intimacy. And that's because you don't have full honesty with Brad - he's married. You cannot trust that he's somehow being honest with you when he's being so dishonest to his wife and family.
You don't have that with your husband either though.
But you can achieve that with your husband. You can be honest and take the first steps toward an emotionally real relationship.
I suggest you pick up 'Lies at the Altar'. It's a good book that might help you sort through some of your confliction.
"Keep your bleep bleep government hands off my Medicare!" - angry protester at healthcare reform townhall
I believe it is easy to be a judge about someone's situation when you only have half of the facts. It isn't easy to type out everything we have been through that has lead to this. We have been stressed out beyond the norm and maybe that is a factor in all of this. In addition to the job issues, we have a son with a chronic, severe health condition. We have struggled with him being in and out of the hospital for the past year, never knowing what the outcome would be. His medical program requires marriage/family counseling because they know how hard it is to deal with. I kept up my end of it, DH hasn't. So if I sound skeptical about it, there is a reason.
If counseling is a requirement of your son being a part of this hospital program, how can your husband not participate? Isn't that risking your son's participation in the program?
I really hate to post in ES, but I'm going to anyway.
My DH had 17 years in a marriage that sounds a lot like yours. They had 2 kids together. They didn't communicate, which means they didn't fight. They just existed, for 17 years together. This included no sex. He was never happy, and knew there had to be something out there, but thought he "had" to stay in his marriage, since nobody in his family ever divorced.
Their kids knew things were bad, dad lived in the basement, while mom lived upstairs. They never had dinner together as a family. DH was working 2 jobs just to avoid being with his ex. The kids didn't seem to mind, because mom let them do what they wanted, when dad tried to step in and parent, the kids ignored him and ran to mom, who let them back talk to him and get away with murder. She wouldn't even let my DH know when there were school conferences, etc. She wanted him to be alienated from their kids. This was one of her biggest controls over their marriage.
The hardest thing he ever did was leave. He almost had a nervous breakdown. He was drinking himself to death before he left, and felt he would have been dead within the next 2 years if he didn't leave. 17 years of existing with his ex drove him to severe depression and thoughts of suicide. I think he'd be dead if we hadn't met online and started a great friendship.
He had friends, but nobody he could talk to, be honest with. I felt so bad for him, he was so lonely, yet lived with 3 other people everyday.
From what I've seen thats what a loveless, non-communicative marriage does to a person.
I do agree with others, get Brad out of the picture, completely. Then search your soul, decide what you want to live with, decide where you want your life to go, decide if you want to live unhappily ever after, or if you really want to see if there's something better out there. Also decide how you want your child to be raised. Do you want him to witness existance, versus love?
Our marriage isn't perfect, nobody's is. And we do work at it. We've been to marriage counseling, which he at first refused, but helped us tremendously. He has found out there is more out there, there's a loving relationship where we are truly "IN LOVE" with each other and tell each other that everyday. His kids have grown up, they see what a real relationship is, they were very hesitant at first to get to know me, but now his daughter calls and talks to me, and she lives with her mother! lol
You deserve love and happiness, everyone does. It's up to you to decide if you want it or not. Best wishes.
But the question still out there, that I can't answer right at this moment is, is it worth more fighting for or is it time to let it go? Can a love and a good marriage develop when it was never really there?
I've been at that crossroad myself. Heck, some days I wonder if I'm nuts for still "trying". Like you, our relationship was never truly honest or intimate. I'm rebuilding a marriage after seven years of being together. Seven years of me not being my true self and me putting up with some crappy behavior on his part.
Through therapy I'm learning a great deal about myself. DH hurt me greatly. Embarrassed me, deceived me and disregarded me on so many levels. What is worse is that I LET him do these things for so many years it got to a point where he genuinely thought his actions were "okay". Like you, we remained friendly but were essentially roommates who sort of did their own thing after dinner.
I found myself at a crossroads after a particular incident. For many personal reason I decided to pour myself into my marriage. Some days I think I KNOW that I deserve better and shut down. Other days I own up to the fact that my behavior got me into this mess and I'm inspired to work harder. More and more I'm proud and happy that my husband and I are working so hard and I see the results of joint efforts to improve our lives together.
I'm just saying that love requires emotional intimacy and it requires trust. When you don't have those, it can be really hard to feel connected to the person you are with.
So true. When emotional intimacy becomes possible all sorts of good things start to happen.
I'm rooting for you! I think you can overcome all this IF your husband is fully onboard. He HAS to care about the affair. He HAS to have some feeling on what he wants from this point out. He HAS to want to give of himself emotionally. You certainly can't pick up the pieces of not only the affair but the 7 years of behavior alone.
Reply With QuoteOriginally Posted by phoenics
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