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  1. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    the couch
    Posts
    10,993

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    I like my in-laws but my head would explode after about a week. Actually, more than a week with ANY guest in my house would make me itch.

    I don't really have any advice, but I feel bad for you. I don't think you're out of line at all.
    Why do people kill people who kill people to show people that to kill people - is bad?

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    SoCal
    Posts
    919

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    i would cut out the chit chat. stop feeling like you have to keep the conversation going. at some point you need to make it clear that you are reverting to some degree of normalcy - you are not their maid or their entertainer. i would switch on the TV for them; if they are computer proficient i would offer them the use of the computer; i would watch TV with them without talking unless i felt something was interesting enough to comment upon, or read a book along with them as they watched themselves, making sure the remote control was conveniently within reach... and then i would do whatever i wanted to do. keeping conversation going should NOT be a one way street. they would probably be relieved if a 'comfortable silence' became the norm in your household while they're visiting - nobody likes to feel under pressure to prolong chitchat once small-talk topics have been exhausted. i would also encourage visits to the beach or activities that didn't require a lot of talking - leisurely, scenic walks etc. relaxing without requiring a lot of chat.
    Last edited by BridalLace; 01-26-2009 at 11:08 AM.
    Our Wedding - 7.06.02
    Our Daughter - 5.07.05
    Our Son - 3.28.08

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    3,548

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    a weekend is the max for me. that situation would have me visiting them for xmas from now on.
    noa 6.6.04
    henri 9.10.06

  4. #14
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    4,229

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    If your in-laws want to spend the winter in SoCal, they should buy or rent their own place. The length of their visits--and that your DH thinks it's okay--is completely absurd. You are not out of line or childish at all; you really need to talk with your DH about setting boundaries. Good luck!

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Orange County, CA
    Posts
    3,242

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    My mom visited with us over Christmas for 11 days and THAT was long enough for all of us. I can't imagine having guests for more than two weeks. And for us, anyone who stays for that long would no longer be considered a "guest". You should not feel like a hostess any longer-please go out and enjoy yourself, live your life, see your friends, etc. And for heaven's sake, DON'T Hide out at the office! I am married to an attorney, so I know how many hours you put in already. IF you feel the need to hide, go to Burke Williams, or the Mall, the beach....anywhere but work!

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    4,781

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    About a week is enough for me, and I really like his parents..lol.

    Honestly, his mother is really self sufficient and has no problems entertaining herself - so I don't think it would be a huge problem for her to stay longer.

    I think things at your house are obviously not good when they stay this long. I think you really need to have a talk with your DH and let him know that this can't keep happening. I think a week (two max) of them staying with you is sufficient enough. If they want to stay longer they need to get a hotel.
    Courtney ~~LJ~~
    Don't ask the locals for directions, they already lost one colony!

  7. #17
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,050

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    I couldn't agree with AmyE more.

    You need to get your husband onboard with how you feel. He might think you don't like his parents and that's why he's defensive. Tell him if would be ANYONE that stayed that long because you feel your life goes on hold.

    Then, ask him to help you make plans for night out activity, just the two of you. It doesn't sound like the inlaws are demanding you spend time with them, it just sounds like you fell into your hostess role and don't know when it's supposed to end.

    I think you aren't a hostess, you are two couples co-habitating for the winter. Tell husband that's where you'd like to stand with them visiting.

    Good luck!

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    5,282

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    I agree that you need to make it a more independent situation - there may be nothing wrong with them wintering with you as long as the 4 of you are on board with expectations and boundaries. It sounds like from the details of their day, they're not really looking for you for a ton of interaction or entertainment, and are happy just going about their day. So making arrangements for them to be independent (own TV space, own food for cooking dinner) would be worthwhile.

    Do they drive? Is there any way you can get them involved with other people in the community (golf/bridge/shuffleboard/insert other 70+ activity here)?

  9. #19
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    2,325

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    I don't mind my in-laws, but we usually have them for about 4 days a year. (For DH, that is about 3.5 days too long and it is his family!) My mother will often stay about a week to 10 days, but not usually more than that. The beauty of her visit is that she has no issue at all if we have things to do during the time she's here. She just hangs out at the house and reads or watches a movie. DH's family is another story. His mother would pout until the end of time if we didn't spend 24 hours a day entertaining her.

    Why are they staying that long to begin with? Did your DH invite them to stay that long or are they just doing this on their own? If you can get his buy-in, can you hammer out a mutually acceptable amount of visit time - like 2 weeks perhaps? I can understand a long visit if they were spending time with their other son (the one in the studio apt) but it sounds like they don't do too much of that. Do you see them any other time during the year? Maybe they are trying to make up for lost time during the holidays? Does your DH take the time to entertain them? Spend time with them alone or take them places? If not, then perhaps he needs to start!

    Anyway, you definitely aren't crazy or mean for feeling this way. I admire your patience!

  10. #20
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    MN girl living in TX
    Posts
    4,822

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    Are you ok with the long visits, other than the hostess duties? Does your husband think that you need to be on hostess duty?

    If I were you I'd try to just get back to life as normal. But don't hide out. I hope you work it out soon.

    ETA: My MIL lives 15 min away and I see her a few times a week when she watches DS for about 30 min total. That's enough for me FIL lives in CA and came when DS was born. 15 min is too much for me so I told DH that unless he was going to be home at all times FIL needed to stay at a hotel. Now my parents are normal and have stayed upwards of 10 days at a time. My mom will be staying for six weeks when our twins are born. DH doesn't seem to mind...but then again, my parents are cool
    Dirk & Amy 9.18.04
    Aaron 3.20.07
    Sydney and Elle 5.15.09

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