Help me come up with a "consequence"

[MrsBeckyLP]

I'm not really looking for emotional support, but I need some advice and I figured this was the best place to ask for it.

I just realized yesterday -- yes, it was sudden, like "WHAM" -- that I’ve just about had it with my DH. I am POed at him, and we need to talk. The problem, however, is that I don’t know what “consequence” to give him ...

I have always been the one who does laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. -- all the stereotypical female chores. I was mostly OK with that, and I know I'm partly to blame for "letting" things go this way. He mows the lawn and does the snow removal in winter. That’s about it. And this summer we didn’t have a lawn to mow (we built a house last year and our lawn was seeded in July), so he pretty much did nothing around the house to help out all summer. He's lazy, and now that we have a baby it's really starting to wear on me (she's almost 5 months old). Garbage and recycling day is Monday, and I’m guessing ours actually makes it to the curb about 60 percent of the time. And when he does take out the garbage, it’s the kitchen garbage only. I’ve repeatedly asked him to check the bathrooms and bedrooms also, but he never does. And half the time he doesn’t replace the bag with a new one.

I was reading the "thinking about divorce" thread yesterday, and something one of the posters said made me think, “Hm, that’s us. That’s my husband.” The woman said that her ex-husband was the type of man who needed to be told when to do something, everything (sorry, can't remember who you are right now!). She would have to tell him to get the oil changed in the cars, and she would tell him to do the yard work. It sounded like he would do it when asked, but the problem was that he always needed to be told. He never took the initiative to do things on his own. That’s my husband, and I’m starting to get really sick of it. However, half the time I ask him to do these things, they still don’t get done.

DH took a half-day of work Monday so he could go to the Monday night Packer game. He took a day of vacation Tuesday so he didn’t have to drive back Monday night (we live two hours from Green Bay, where his parents live). Fine. I was OK with that. But since he was going to be off on Tuesday, I asked him to head home early and pick up DD from daycare so he could spend some time with her, since he wasn’t around Monday night and he was off playing poker most of Sunday. He said he would. The problem is that I had to call him three times yesterday morning, and he didn’t get up until 11 a.m., and he didn’t leave Green Bay until noon. Give me a break! Of course he was hungover, and he didn’t get to daycare until 2:10 p.m., so he really only had DD for two and a half hours. When I got home, I was pretty sure that most of the time he had just laid on the floor next to her while she played. I was so disappointed that he didn’t make it home earlier, and that he didn’t have the desire to get home to see his daughter. That’s what stings the most.

Last night there was a meeting at 5:30 concerning the homeowners association in our neighborhood taking over responsibilities from the developer (this was scheduled to happen once a certain percentage of the lots were built upon, and I believe that has happened). We’ve had a lot of problems with the developer not following its own restrictive covenants and there has been drama in our neighborhood concerning this fact, so we planned to go and see what was up. It just so happened that DD fell asleep at 5 p.m., so I decided I wouldn’t go. DH was sleeping on the couch about two seconds after I got home. I woke him up and told him he needed to get ready for the meeting, and he said he didn’t want to go. I told him, “Fine, but then you don’t get to bitch anymore about anything that goes on in this neighborhood.” He said that was fine with him. (It’s kind of like a person who doesn’t vote for president doesn’t get to bitch about the president – same concept.) FYI, the developer has approved houses to be built that don’t meet the requirements set forth by the covenants (a certain square footage, a certain percentage of brick or stone exterior, things like that), and it has kept our property value lower than it should be. DH -- along with some other neighbors -- has been bitching about it for a year now, and the developer finally decided to have a meeting about it.

So anyway, he continued to sleep, and one time told me to turn down the TV. I told him to just go to bed, which he did. In the meantime, I played with DD, ate dinner, ran to Walgreens, gave DD a bath, got her ready for bed, fed her and put her to bed. Then I picked up the house, because somehow in the two and a half hours DH was there with her he managed to make a disaster of the place. Then I had to get my pump parts and bottles washed, and I had to get together DD's stuff for daycare today. I also decided to organize my milk stash, because there is no room in the freezer and there are just bags of frozen milk all over the place, and I need them to be in order by date. That took an hour and a half.

I didn’t mention anything to DH this morning, but I’m sure he knows I’m pissed and I’m sure he knows he’s going to hear about it tonight. I’m so tired of this. He is taking advantage of me. I let him do pretty much whatever he wants, in hope that he will step it up around the house because of my "leniency," but that doesn’t happen. He took advantage of my mom while she was staying with us (she's a teacher and was off this summer, of course, so she stayed with us for eight weeks and watched DD so I could delay putting her in daycare). He was able to go out and do whatever he wanted (namely playing poker a few nights a week) because my mom was there to keep me company. He didn’t do any housework or dishes, and to this day he has never once washed one of DD's bottles. He doesn’t even empty the Diaper Genie. Seriously, in her nearly 5 months of life, he has taken the initiative to empty it ONCE without me asking first. ONCE.

I am at my wit’s end. I love my husband, but I am so fed up with him. We have had the you-need-to-help-me-out-more-around-the-house talk way too many times, and it’s usually OK for a while, but it always reverts back to this. Then I have to start telling him to do things, and he says I’m nagging at him.

He has been working 10- to 12-hour days all summer, and I understand that’s draining. But I work too, and then I come home and bust my butt there. I don’t ever sit down at night and relax, and that’s all he does from the moment he walks in the door. He says we can do stuff on weekends, but we’re usually busy on weekends, and I’d rather do a little bit each night instead of piling all the housework onto the weekend. I just can’t do it anymore. I need his help.

So, I think what I need is a consequence. I can talk to him about this until I’m blue in the face (and I have), but nothing will change, so maybe there needs to be a consequence for him. So before I have this talk with him yet again, I need a this-is-what’s-going-to-happen-to-you-if-you-don’t-start-helping-out scenario to throw at him.

(My thoughts are to tell him he can’t play poker anymore or until he changes, which might work. (He plays at least once a week, sometimes more. He's responsible and doesn't have a problem, so I'm not worried about that aspect of his poker playing.) But I also don’t want to be the “bitch wife” who doesn’t “let” him do anything. Or maybe I'll just tell him that from now on I get to do whatever I want also -- like taking DD and leaving for the weekend if he's going to be off playing poker or working anyway. But I really don't want to do something like that either, because I want us to have plenty of family time, and that really has been lacking lately.)

Also, do you think it would be a good idea to make a “chore chart” and list what needs to be done, by whom, each day of the week? I feel like that’s something I’d do for a child, not for my 28-year-old husband, but it might be the only way to get him to do what needs to get done. And, I’d need to tie this “consequence” in with the chart. Kind of like, “If you don’t complete the tasks on the chart, you don’t get to do ‘X’ or ‘Y’ is going to happen to you.”

Help, please!!!

[ambula704]

Aww, Becky I am so so sorry you are going through this. He is not holding up his end of the deal. Plain and simple. It aggrivates me because I know how much you do and how tired you must be!

I think the consequence should definitely be his poker night. Why should he get to have fun and you stay at home and do MORE for the family? Who cares what his friends think? He will probably tell them you wont let him and blah blah, but really, its YOUR marriage and you have to find something that works for YOU.

I think having a consequence, whatever it may be, is a good idea. Obviously the "talks" arent working. He needs to grow up!

THAT being said, be thankful he does 1. Have a job, 2. Love Maddie, and 3. Love you and is faithful to you. Those are things that arent as easily "fixable" as this!

Good luck and hugs, sweetie!

[MichelleRenee]

I am not sure that a "consequence" or a "chore chart" will help. The fact is you married someone who seems to lazy and unwilling to help, and anything you do along those lines makes you "his mother" and not "his wife." I mean, if you said to him "OK, you didn't wash dishes yesterday so you aren't allowed to play poker tonight" would he just say "OK" and not go? I am guessing he would protest and just end up going anyways, while saying "you are not my mom." He has to want to change his actions for a change to be made.

I am certainly not saying you should just sit back and not do anything, though. It sounds more like you need to seek an outside mediator, like a counselor or something because these kinds of issues will break down your marriage pretty quickly. And to be honest, I find it heartbreaking that even with prodding from you and with you laying out a plan for him he won't spend time with his daughter. Does he do anything for her, like change diapers or feed her or give her baths? From your post it sounds like you are doing it all. That's just not right at all. There is no excuse for that.

I hope you are able to figure out something SOON for your own sanity and for the sake of your daughter! Good luck.

[bluberry]

A chore chart and/or "consequence" is something you do for a child. He is not your child, he's your partner. More than just being a case of being tired or lazy, your husband sounds somewhat immature.

*Side note: I hate to say this, but your post sounds a LOT like the one Jimmysgirl started way back when...

[MrsBeckyLP]

I mean, if you said to him "OK, you didn't wash dishes yesterday so you aren't allowed to play poker tonight" would he just say "OK" and not go?

Believe it or not (and I know you probably won't!), he probably would listen. He always "asks" if he can go and he admits that I'm "lenient" with him, so that is why I *think* he would act a bit differently if he knew there would be a consequence. Honestly, I feel like I've let him take advantage of me, and he got used to doing it while my mom was staying with us.

He does change diapers, and he takes turns being up with her in the middle of the night. She's sick with her first cold right now, and he was up with her for several hours Sunday night and last night. He also gets up early with her (after I feed her) every Saturday morning so I can sleep.

(She doesn't get bottles at home, so he doesn't feed her, but I almost always do bath time because I like to. I have talked about it elsewhere on the boards, and I'm sure it's related to this whole situation, but I have a hard time "letting" him do those things. I feel guilty for having to work and for being away from her all day, so I want to spend every single minute I can with her, and, in turn, am "taking her away" from DH at times. I know that's something *I* need to change, and I've been trying.)

*Side note: I hate to say this, but your post sounds a LOT like the one Jimmysgirl started way back when...

I had a feeling I was going to get that, and that's why I hesitated big time before even posting this, but I really wanted some ideas. Sigh. Maybe swinging would solve the problem??

[ejs]

It sounds like you were more of a mother to him than a wife, and that you both liked it being that way. But now that you have a child, you no longer want to mother him.

[junkinmytrunk]

I was also thinking adding consequences to your circumstance would be much like a parent/child relationship. In your position, I'd consider counseling first. Would your DH be amenable to that?

Just thinking out loud here - maybe if he gets 1 night out a week doing poker, YOU should get one night out doing XYZ. In lieu of charting chores, you can each be responsible for certain duties on your night in. That way, he can see just what it entails to have chores, care for a child and try to unwind after a day's work without just getting to plop on the couch and do nothing. It might help illuminate how a couple needs to work together at everything to make a household function as a team.

[Kanga]

Do you think it would help if you had specific things he did - such as putting away clothes after their folded. Dh and I have specific tasks and that helps a lot. The hardest part of course is that when he doesn't do them at night after work, I have to look at it the rest of the next day

My situation is a little bit different in that I'm a SAHM, but I find that it works wonders to do little 'extra' things for him. Dh's houshold tasks are yard work (which he always does), cleaning up after dinner, and taking the garbage to the curb on trash day. If he slacks off more than just once in a while, and I have to wake up to screaming kids who want breakfast and a dirty kitchen, I'm less likely to do little things that help him out. Like making sure he has a clean outfit to wear the next day to work and making sure the house is neat when he gets home from work. And I never do his tasks for him (unless he's sick, working a lot lately, etc) so he has the natural consequence of letting it pile up and taking longer too. If he lets the clean laundry sit so long before putting away that it's nearly dirty again from kid marks, cat hair, etc then I stop washing his clothes. Afterall, there's not room by the stair for even more clean laundry, so I just do mine and the girls and put that stuff away my self.

[MrsBeckyLP]

Just thinking out loud here - maybe if he gets 1 night out a week doing poker, YOU should get one night out doing XYZ. In lieu of charting chores, you can each be responsible for certain duties on your night in. That way, he can see just what it entails to have chores, care for a child and try to unwind after a day's work without just getting to plop on the couch and do nothing. It might help illuminate how a couple needs to work together at everything to make a household function as a team.

Thanks for that; I think it's a wonderful idea, and I think it might open his eyes. The one small problem is that I don't *want* a night out. I'm actually tearing up thinking about this: I know I said this above, but feel so, so guilty that I'm away from DD all day that I want to do nothing but spend all my time with her. I'm sure this will change as she gets a bit older, but for now, that's where I'm at. And I don't know how to get over that. I want nothing more to SAH, but we just can't swing it financially. I know I'm not cut out to be a WOHM, but I have to be, so I feel extremely guilty for it.

And I see where you guys are coming from saying that a chore chart is something for a child. I did say that it would "list what needs to be done, by whom, each day of the week." I said that partly because I think I would like to have one for myself, too, so I can keep track of what is being done and when. I think it would help me keep myself on track, because I know that certain things don't get done (bathrooms cleaned often enough, floors vacuumed or mopped often enough, etc.). So that was part of my thinking there.

I know this isn't the correct way of thinking, but I feel like he needs a consequence (like a child) because he's acting like a child by not helping out. I don't want to have to say, "If you want to act like a child, I'll treat you like a child ... " but that's where I feel like I'm headed.

[junkinmytrunk]

I don't *want* a night out. I'm actually tearing up thinking about this: I know I said this above, but feel so, so guilty that I'm away from DD all day that I want to do nothing but spend all my time with her.

Totally get that and thought you might feel that way. I still don't enjoy leaving my DS and he's 2.5!!! However, even if it's just 2 hours on a Wednesday night to run your own errands - it might just help things in the long run, you know?