GLAMA...have you talked with your hospital? Do you know if they work with a particular funeral home for deaths that happen on their premises?? I just ask because a social worker was sent to talk with us after DS passed and she gave us 3 options of what we could do with his remains and one of the options included that the hospital would send him to be cremated free of charge with a funeral home they work with. So we were blessed in not having to deal with all of the logistics when we probably were too numb to, but I thought most major hospitals did something similar. Not sure if you asked at your hospital or not.
At 24w 4d my little boy...became an angel 11/7/07 Rainbow baby arrived 12/6/09! Added a dash of PINK 4/9/11
Thanks for the advice. I found one of the larger funeral homes here and they are doing it for very reasonable. You'd think the hospital could arrange for that but they didn't. I was given a number to call when I had a funeral home selected.
Last night I was reading medical literature about neural tube defects (NTD). I read that there was a higher risk for those who had a previous early miscarriage (like I did) to have a subsequent NTD baby. It really ticked me off that when I had the m/c in June my OB didn't prescribe a higher folic acid just to be safe (why not?). I know, they don't know, but I bet everyone else who has had something like this looks back and sees where something could have been done different. Then I think, if folic acid 4mg/day is so great at prevention for NTD, why isn't it the standard? I know, I'm not a physician.
We also found that women with NTD-affected pregnancies were significantly more likely than controls to have suffered a miscarriage in the preceding pregnancy.
Sully- I noticed that you and some others had their rainbow babies almost a year to the date of their angel babies. If you would, please share how you got through that time when you weren't pregnant, and then when you got that BFP for your rainbow baby- how did you feel and what comforted you (I'll be scared & happy with a BFP)??. I'm having a hard time seeing how I'm going to get through 3 mos. of the high folic acid until we can TTC again. (You all know that it goes without saying that I'm not trying to replace her). Then waiting for several u/s's to confirm all is well. I may have sort of asked this before...sorry if so. I'm just so excited when I see others were able to conceive again in a relatively short amount of time!
Jenah- you are completely right about doing the daily routine. It's hard. I delay my shower until forever just wanting to sit here. We don't get out of bed for a long time either. DD waits with me, drinks her milky, and we watch some cartoons, the Today Show, and/or read books and stack blocks. It's comforting to know I'm "normal" for what's going on.
GG, another thing: We were told to wait 6 months for my body to heal, and the doc didn't think I'd be mentally ready to have a baby right around our loss date. Just a thought. So, don't feel down about yourself if three months come by and you don't feel ready yet. (And we all know you aren't doing it to replace her, one baby never replaces another)~~~Did you name her?
The day-to-day "normal" stuff sucks. Like I mentioned in the last thread, whenever I learn of someone's loss, I want to shout from a rooftop, "WHY IS THE WORLD JUST GOING ON?!?!?! A child has died. His or her parents are in pain and cannot move forward!"
Glamagal - To answer your question, I had to go back and read my journal (LJ) to remember what I was feeling. Without looking at it, that time is such a blur. I wrote this about a month before we "tried":
I'm scared that I won't get pregnant, but I'm terrified that I might.
And then this:
But the bottom line is I'm scared to death of getting a BFP. Don't get me wrong, I want one more than anything...I want to be pregnant more than anything, and I'd do anything for a healthy child (anything reasonable, that is). But the "what ifs" are overwhelming. What if I have another miscarriage? Or worse, what if I make it into the second trimester again and have to relive the same horrid nightmare? What if I can't get pregnant for months at all? Or years?
And this next quote is really long, and please forgive me if it's too much, but I think it shows a lot about the evolution of how I felt. I can tell you it took me months of lots of deep thought to arrive at this point, but I think I did pretty well at following through with my plans. I wrote this a few days before I conceived my son.
With my last pregnancy, I was so guarded for the first trimester. But when I lost Hannah, did that help me at all? No. If anything, it made me feel guilty that in the short time I was able to carry her, I neglected to give her the full excitement and love she deserved. With both pregnancies, when we got the BFP it was not a happy moment. With the first, it was unplanned and though I was thrilled, I knew DH wasn't ready. So I was terrified when the two lines popped up. And with the last one, I had been spotting for several days and I just knew I would miscarry again, so DH and I were quite ambivalent about it all.
And the truth is, it didn't save me from one ounce of sadness or grief. If anything, it added to it. So the next time I get a BFP, I'm jumping for joy. And if I don't, please remind me I should. I owe it to my child. I owe it to myself. The thing about pregnancy is that in the beginning, we are all the same. It all starts with a positive test. Who knows what will happen in that next moment, but for that moment, you are pregnant. And you should celebrate it. I should celebrate it. There aren't many moments like that in our lives. We should cherish them.
Later on, my pregnancy distinguished itself from that of the "normal" people. But not at that moment. So until the time comes when someone or something tells me I am different, I'm going to be blissfully happy and unaware. I want to be and I hope and pray I can be. We can erect all of the shields of protection and self-defense that we want...but when the time comes, there is nothing that can guard us from pain and grief. So why bother? I guess that's why there is the saying "live for the moment." Please make sure I do.
During the time I wasn't pregnant, I thought about what had happened and I can't say I tried to make "sense" of it all (I came to the conclusion that not everything happens for a reason), but I had to come to an understanding that allowed me some peace with everything. But ultimately I longed to be pregnant again, and my main reason was because I felt so incredibly out of control of my life and I needed to be in control of something. To me, getting pregnant was at least somewhat in my control (in the sense that I decided when I would try). And beyond that, I didn't want the loss of my daughter to define me. It will always be part of who I am, and I'm grateful for that, but I don't want it to be who I am.
It was very scary making the decision to try and then when I got the BFP, I had to keep reminding myself to be happy and believe that everything was going to be okay. Ultimately, I just had to take it one day at a time. That's all you can do. Cross each bridge as you arrive at it...try not to worry too much about tomorrow.
funeral homes - we had to make our own arrangements. DHs Aunt called (she lost a teenage son) and set the appointment for us. I don't know about any of you, but calling and telling people what happened was horrible for us. So, then we went in and picked a casket. We had just gotten our tax return back the month or so prior - guess what it went towards. Funeral costs. Not the kitchen cabinets and fun baby stuff I'd planned for, that's for sure. We used a family plot, so we didn't have to pay for the plot too.
milk - that was one of the worst things for me. I wanted to BF so badly, and then to be dripping with milk for seven weeks was awful. It would not go away. I tried cabbage, cold meds, etc - nothing worked, except the clomid. I never knew that it had that side effect, but it's right there on the labeling.
Wow. I guess I took for granted how great our hospital was. They are in contact with one of the funeral homes in town who will do the cremation for free, you only have to pay $50 for paperwork/admin fees. They will spread the ashes for free (which is what we did, but I think I regret now) or they will give discounts on urns. Otherwise, you have to buy a plot. One of the monument places in town will donate stones for infant loss. Once we said yes, they took care of everything.
But I remember BAWLING the day we got the bill in the mail and it said "For the Cremation of Daughters Catherine Rose Lastname and Chloe Dawn Lastname"
Glamagal Lots of HUGS right now, I am thinking of you!
We had to pick our own funeral home as well. We were told of one nearby that had done this for them before, but we had to make the arrangements. It was so hard sitting in the funeral home making all the arrangements and saying what we wanted and didn't, I was crying so hard while there. I think it cost $50 for us as well, just to cover fees and such for paperwork.
pocahontas I think this was you asking in another thread about having the loss and the 2nd baby around the same time. If it isn't I'm sorry. I can tell you it is hard. I was praying that Alex wasn't born on Kayla's birth date and thank god he wasn't, I am not sure what I would have done. I had actually wanted to wait longer than the 3 months we did but it just kinda happened as we weren't being careful enough. All I can say is make sure you give yourself enough time to grieve. For me I would have preferred to wait a bit longer. With all the complications I had during this last pg, my body probably needed a bit longer as well to heal from all the complications I had with the Kayla and the miscarriages. You will know when the time is right and each person is different.
Milk Mine also came in but the engorgement only lasted about a week. I found that nothing really helped with me so I just wore a sports bra and just let it happen and go away. For me hot showers were fantastic.
Sully and jeggink, thanks for the info re: having your babies near the 1 yr. anniversary of your loss. I'm not sure how I'll feel in three months, but I have to be on 4 mg of folic acid for three months before we TTC, so it's a built-in waiting period. I feel hope when I see other's losses are near in time to bearing a healthy child.
I picked up my 4mg folic acid Rx today. I feel a little more guided now.
I have a horrible sore throat. It started before surgery and the gen. anesthesia exacerbated it and I feel my ears starting to ache. This doesn't suck in and of itself. What sucks is every time I cry about my daughter (the hard, deep, catch your breath cry), it hurts so bad in my throat. I wish I had more Tylenol with codeine.
So I completed the paperwork today at the funeral home and picked out an urn. I held myself together pretty darn well there. Then DH came home for just a bit and mentioned that our friend's expecting twins were at their peri's for the every 2 wk. u/s and they mentioned what happened to us. The peri stated, "that should have been caught at a 10 wk. u/s". Well, they're high-risk so they get lots of u/s. At my OB, we get one to confirm pg (~6wk.) and one at the 18 - 20 wk. mark. I called their peri's office to see if I could get in as a patient. He only accepts high-risk patients, which the receptionist defined as diabetic, hypertension, high blood pressure, >35, etc. I should have asked, "well what about a person with a NTD baby?" But I didn't (I'm tired of talking about it). When DH stopped back home he said for me to call back and ask. I said, "you know, I'm tired of doing all of this myself." Then he said he'd call and he left and I cried (more throat pain). Sometimes I wish he was as upset as me about this. I guess he is in his own way.
Jenah, today when she asked if I had a name for the baby (even tho they don't file death cert's for babies <20 wk. gestation) I felt like I should have named her. But we weren't planning on finding out the sex at all. So we had no names because we have way different opinions on names. I guess what I'm saying is, since we didn't have any names, I didn't just want to pick a name that I hadn't had my heart set on.
What do I need to do to see an RE? OR Do you have suggestions on who I should see: peri v. RE, etc.? I feel dumb when I call an office and I don't know how I would need to qualify to see someone. I go to my OB where I've been for 14 years. I didn't even know what peri's were until last week.
Tomorrow he booked a sitter so we can attend a party. I want to go, but I don't want to go. They know what happened but that doesn't mean all of their friends will. I have anxiety. I haven't even had a drink since early August. I think when I have a drink I'll have to admit to myself that it's over. I'm not pregnant. She's gone (throat pain again). I'm tired of crying.
Sully- I noticed that you and some others had their rainbow babies almost a year to the date of their angel babies.
Yeah, I had noticed that too. I thought...wow, that's pretty magical. Almost like your angel baby had something to do with giving you another healthy baby so close to his/her birthday. I realize for many folx it wasn't planned that way...but I guess that just adds to the eerieness of how it happened.
Originally Posted by jenahdawn
Wow. I guess I took for granted how great our hospital was. They are in contact with one of the funeral homes in town who will do the cremation for free, you only have to pay $50 for paperwork/admin fees. They will spread the ashes for free (which is what we did, but I think I regret now) or they will give discounts on urns.
JENAH...I completely agree with the regret. I, too, told them initially to just scatter the ashes (they said they'd be scattered in some garden) because I was to numb to think of what to do otherwise and I know DH said he couldn't deal with seeing an urn every day in the house. But I guess they have a lot of people who change their minds once they regain some composure. So they told me that the funeral home would hold the ashes for 30 days after cremation before they scattered them. When I got home and thought better of it I had DH call them and tell them we'd come pick them up ASAP because once I had my senses back again I realized the thought of my little boy out in some garden far from me made me sad all over again. That was why we decided to do what Judy did with scattering at DH's dad/grandad's plot, but now DH is thinking of putting them in the soil of a plant pot where we are planning to plant a Red Maple that our Regional Vice President and his wife gave us the seeds for when we lost DS. It was a nice gift pack designed by people who lost 2 children and it came with the maple seeds, a memory book for DS, and some other things.
Originally Posted by jeggink
pocahontas I think this was you asking in another thread about having the loss and the 2nd baby around the same time. If it isn't I'm sorry. I can tell you it is hard. I was praying that Alex wasn't born on Kayla's birth date and thank god he wasn't, I am not sure what I would have done. I had actually wanted to wait longer than the 3 months we did but it just kinda happened as we weren't being careful enough. All I can say is make sure you give yourself enough time to grieve. For me I would have preferred to wait a bit longer. With all the complications I had during this last pg, my body probably needed a bit longer as well to heal from all the complications I had with the Kayla and the miscarriages. You will know when the time is right and each person is different.
For me hot showers were fantastic.
Funny how everyone is different because hot showers for me were the worst. That was when I leaked.
And although it wasn't me asking about the timing of the rainbow baby (it was GLAMA) I am glad you answered because I had been noticing that about many of the members of this thread...and was curious about it too.
Last edited by pocahontas; 12-07-2007 at 03:43 PM.
At 24w 4d my little boy...became an angel 11/7/07 Rainbow baby arrived 12/6/09! Added a dash of PINK 4/9/11
Rainbow baby arrived 12/6/09!
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We used a family plot, so we didn't have to pay for the plot too.
Originally Posted by GlamaGal
