Late Term Loss, Stillbirth, Infant Loss and Toddler Loss Support Group

[pocahontas]

I found it interesting that nearly all of the women at the support group last night had bleeding throughout their pregnancies, and so did I. Each time when we would go get checked, everything was determined to be fine. I think that all of my bleeding had something to do with my water breaking.

FWIW...with my first born I had bleeding too. There was a subchorionic hematoma discovered at 6w 3d with me that we theorize was a vanishing twin. But it led to 3 bright red bleeding episodes before I even got out of the first tri (the last being at 11 weeks and landing me in L&D). The bleeding did subside around 13/14ish weeks but from what I've read (and I researched like hell after losing my son because I wanted to know what could prevent it from happening again) the damage had already been done because a sch bleed can weaken your amniotic sac. (My water broke just like yours). One person described blood like that as sandpaper rubbing up against your bag of waters...eventually, it's going to irritate it to it's breaking point. So I think you are right to believe that the two are related...after all my research I certainly do! And incidentally, in this pregnancy although I did spot brown for a few weeks (between week 5 and almost 10ish) it never turned bright red and there weren't any clotty gushes. So definitely a difference. I hope that if you do decide to try again bleeding won't be an issue.

[scout]

I think you are right to believe that the two are related...after all my research I certainly do!

I'm sorry you had the same experience. I dismissed my bleeding with the baby I lost, because I had bleeding with both full term babies (although not as much). Because of this, it worries me for future pregnancies.

[Ericka_Jarett]

sorry been away for a while, we are getting ready to move and working on getting the closing of the house done (tomorrow finally)

Comments from people - as mentioned we all get them, I don't get asked much anymore how many kids I have, but after I had my son, they would say ahhh, your first he is so cute. I sometimes would say actually he is my 2nd and leave it at that. Sometimes if people only see me with my son or with the twins they will ask, and I say I have 4 kids, 1 is in Heaven with her pop-pop. Just depends on my mood really.

If my OB said that to me I would without question find someone else or at least consult with a perinatologist to get under their care. Sure sometimes things are "flukes" but it's a fluke you want to make sure doesn't happen to you again if you can help it. A lot of my friends were surprised I stayed with my OB practice I did after losing Rebekah, but I said well I don't only see them, I see a specialist so I feel comfortable. I hated to leave my peri when I got to 32 weeks, he said he no longer needed to see me that my OB's will check me weekly and he wanted to get a picture of the baby. Well my OB didn't check me weekly (she was the very first OB/GYN I saw at this place) she said I don't want to check you weekly cause that can introduce a risk of infection, we will check you in 2 weeks since your pessary is holding nicely and you are on bedrest. So the day she checked me was the day for removal and that was delivery day. With my twins as I mentioned, I only saw a perinatalogist as we were in a new state and he was highly recommended and they also had regular OB's in the office. I credit my peri and the Lord for getting me all the way through that pregnancy with no issues but my GD. My care with the peri's was outstanding, highly recommend you find one in your area and get copies of your medical records from your OB to be able to give to a peri, for any future pregnancies you have. With my Rebekah the OB had the placenta sent to a pathologist and he found Chorioamnionitis (placenta infection) and another issue with her cord where it connected to her, but they don't think that was the issue, they know the Chorio was for sure what took her life, as it was in her blood stream and in another week if she hadn't been delivered, I could have died as it would have gotten into my blood stream as well. And I got it from an incompetent cervix.

[scout]

ericka Congrats on the house!

Sure sometimes things are "flukes" but it's a fluke you want to make sure doesn't happen to you again if you can help it.

Definitely. My DH is going to switch our insurance so we can switch doctors. Our HMO really limits us.

I went back to school on Monday. My students were unbelievably sweet. People at work pretty much avoided me with the exception of a few who popped in to see how I was doing. It's really lonely losing a baby, isn't it? It's very lonely to know that out of all of the people this could have happened to, it happened to ME. Not the women who complain endlessly about being pregnant or about the women who BOOM! get pregnant so easily and glide through everything, but me. I've never taken pregnancy for granted and I feel like I could have done without this "lesson".

It's just lonely.

THinking of all of you during the Thanksgiving holiday.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thanks scout.

It is a lonely feeling when others around you don't know how you feel or what your thoughts are. With my husband after we had Rebekah, most of his "guy friends" from church didn't talk to him or ask how he was. I think it may have to do with they didn't know what to say so they thought better to stay away and not say anything, but that hurt my husband. He was hurting just like I was, sure he didn't carry our daughter, but he saw me hurting and missing her so much and he didn't get the chance to bond with her like I did as she grew in me. He got to hold her hand after birth before I even saw her and then hold her all wrapped up. Whenever I talk about Rebekah, most of the time I know the people I am talking to have no idea what I feel inside about my experience, they can't say they know what I am going through. (I know you had a miscarriage as well as an infant loss now, so know both experiences unfortunately.) A friend from my twins club had many miscarriages before she finally was able to conceive her twins and she has heard my story and has cried and said I can't even imagine the pain you feel.

My husband is the area coordinator as well as on the board for NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, bereavement photography for 24 weeks +) and I hate those phone calls from social workers from hospitals that I get. I can't help but cry for those parents and pray, since they too will be losing a child and those around them will try to comfort them the best way they know how, but have no idea what they feel. I am grateful for this group of awesome ladies on this thread, you all do know what it feels like to loss a baby you want and love. So many of the parents out there have no where to turn to talk about it. I pray one day no one ever has to join a "group" like ours.

[pocahontas]

I am grateful for this group of awesome ladies on this thread, you all do know what it feels like to loss a baby you want and love.

AMEN to that! This group was invaluable...and still is!

[scout]

So many of the parents out there have no where to turn to talk about it

That's the worst part. Nobody wants to talk about it. I'm at my inlaws for Thanksgiving and not one person mentioned anything about my baby dying. I went through an incredibly traumatic thing, and not one person mentioned anything. At dinner, I said that I had to lose some weight because I'm probably the only person who went into the hospital to give birth and actually ended up gaining weight. There was a very long, awkward silence and then somebody changed the subject. I ended up going into the bathroom to cry for ten minutes.

[pocahontas]

I'm so sorry that happened Scout as I know the "elephant in the room" syndrome well. I don't know why so many of our losses occur during this time of year (think there are 5 or 6 of us) making the holidays feel like something you have to drag yourself through, but I came to realize as a result that we make people uncomfortable. They don't know how to handle being around us, what to say to us or how they should act. My son died 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and I didn't even want to go to MIL's even though my mom, sister, and niece would all be there and had come 400 miles to be there for me because I felt like *I* was the reason the holidays would be less festive...like *I* was the one now bringing this dark cloud to dinner whereas just a few weeks before Thanksgiving was going to be this light-hearted affair because everyone was so giddy for us. But now everyone was going to give me the sympathy/pity look and I just didn't want to deal. I know that was rough to have to deal with and I'm sure they didn't have a clue how to respond to your statement even though it seems like a no brainer to us.

ETA: Don't know if you all saw but someone in my Mommy Thread just lost her son about 3 weeks after birth. I invited her here whenever she is ready because I know she will need the kind of support this thread is great for.

[GlamaGal]

You really do come in here and feel like you are no longer alone. The holidays are hard. I'm one of us whose lost a baby during them. November 29 (the day we got the news) and Dec. 4 (the day she was returned to the Lord) are days that I'll never forget. Yet, my other children have birthdays around these days, and Thanksgiving is here. It's a happy and sad time.

It is so hurtful: the unsaid. I think people feel like it IS such a painful, horrible thing that they would rather shy away from the subject, rather than say something that could in any way cause you pain. I guess before it happened to me maybe I'd rather avoid it than say, I'm so sorry for your loss, in case it would make them cry. Even if it was the proper thing to do I'd rather have saved them that pain. Now, I know that by speaking those few words I am not only letting them know I am thinking of them, but acknowledging their child existed. Which is all I could think of at her time of death. Does anyone miss her? Do they even realize she existed? Do they know the joy she made while she was here?

((HUGS)) to those of you hurting. I'm thinking of you.

[scout]

pochahantas I'm so saddened to hear of that mom who lost her baby. I'm glad you told her about this group. We will all be there for her, and I'm praying for her and her baby.

I know the "elephant in the room" syndrome well

Ugh. It's so terrible. I know what you mean about bringing the dark cloud to dinner. I feel like I have to act upbeat and happy, when I'm not to avoid spoiling everyone's nice time.

I think people feel like it IS such a painful, horrible thing that they would rather shy away from the subject, rather than say something that could in any way cause you pain

I'm sure that's it. I'm sure they don't want to bring it up in case it "reminds" me of what happened, but I haven't stopped thinking about it. I know that I will definitely change how I treat people who have lost somebody, that's for sure.

Continuing to think and pray for all of you. I am finding more "good" days and times of peace and comfort. The bad times just sneak up on me out of nowhere, though.