Out of town wedding...what to do???

[kindermom]

Been there done that with my best friend from college. She was not only getting married out of state, she was getting married in college town, the weekend before college started, in a small new england town that had a small airport (read expensive to fly into). I had just gotten married (and paid for the wedding ourselves) and were saving to buy a house in an overpriced market. DH and I made little money. It tore me up and I did not make a decision either way until about 2 weeks prior. She knew how much it ate me up. I went. Everyone told me that it was doable if I sacrificed. Everyone said I would regret not going. She said no gift was needed if I could just come.

I am glad I went only to know that I did not need to go. While I do not regret going, I now know that it was not neccessary. I would have much rather have sent a nice gift to her and her H (no D for him) and sent them many well wishes. Instead I was bitter about having to make the decision. Not bitter at her but at the decision.

Whatever you do, I know it is a tough decision! Good luck.

[brenda]

It sounds like going to this wedding equals nothing but stress and aggravation for you. It is difficult both financially and professionally. I would hate to think that any of our wedding guests had to sacrifice or feel uncomfortable and be stressed about attending a party that I was hosting.

I would discuss your difficulties with the bride. I don't really agree with the "Those who want to attend will," philosophy. Having a wedding on a weekday at an out of town location means accepting that many guests will not be able to attend.

If I had a friend who told me she wouldn't be able to attend my out-of-town, inconveniently scheduled wedding, but would do everything in her power to celebrate before, I'd be thrilled.

In my opinion, making guests sacrifice to attend your wedding is selfish. Making invitees feel bad because they decide that attending a wedding is too disruptive to their lives is selfish. Regardless of what the bridal industry tries to feed us, it isn't all about you just because you're getting married.

I see no reason to martyr yourself on the altar of wedding ettiquette. There is no ettiquette rule that says you must attend every event to which you are invited. Continue being a friend, explain how difficult it is to get away, give a generous gift and get on with your life.

[Belle]

If you really don't see being able to attend, then be up front with her about it and make sure you're accepting of her reaction. You can be supportive and interested, remain a good friend to her between now and then.

If she had things all lined up and then picked up and moved the venue, is uncertain about dates and all, she should be able to understand that it might not be feasible for folks to adjust their calendars. I would think if she's as good a friend to you as you are to her, then you should be all right with whatever decision is made.

I know that there will be very few of my friends at my out-of-state wedding. In fact, my brother hems and haws about attending, and I honestly will be shocked if he and his wife manage to make it. On the other hand, they're managing to travel and vacation and attend out-of-state weddings of friends, so there's something else going on. Maybe it will be the beginning of another 5-year estrangement, as was mentioned by another poster here...

Good luck and I hope it all works out nicely for all involved.

[artist]

I agree with those who have said they would be horrified to think their guests would have to do all of that to attend a wedding and that a bride is selfish to expect all of that.

I was not one bit offended that some of my friends could not attend for financial or other reasons. I focused on the fact that although it would be great to have them there, in the end it did not make one damned bit of difference WHO showed up other than the groom, the officiant, and myself.

I WAS on the other hand a little pissed at anyone who SAID they were coming and then completely flaked out on the whole thing, oddly enough usually the same people whose invitations say "and guest" and they assume that means they should be allowed to bring about six or seven guests or maybe even your ex-boyfriend AND stay in YOUR apartment with your groom the night before your wedding! (I was secretly GLAD when that friend and those guests ended up NOT being able to attend after all. That friend called about three days before the wedding and was incredibly rude to me on the phone, on a phone call I was paying the long distance for!) It was really interesting when that same friend DEMANDED that I HAD to be IN her out of state wedding. I tried to explain I just couldn't do it. Of course, she found a ride for me and everything, so I DID actually end up going. What's really annoying though is that she not only NEVER gave me a wedding gift or even a damned congratulations card, she never THANKED me for the wedding gift I gave HER, let alone the fact that it was quite the ordeal to GET to HER wedding!

I was also mad/hurt that one of my closest friends who lives in the same city as I do never did quite make it to the wedding even though she SAID she would. (Her sister, my other friend, also was unable to attend BECAUSE this friend was supposed to be the ride for both of them. Her sister was really pissed about missing the wedding.) The reason she couldn't attend? She was at some stupid overrated hippie dippie outdoor music festival, I am guessing smoked a LITTLE too much weed or something, and claims she got "lost" while driving. Uh huh. Whatever. There is this thing called Mapquest and also planning ahead! Or maybe considering your friend's wedding more important than some stupid drug infested hippie colony overrated jam bad festival.

BUT...I most definitely would NOT be insulted/offended if someone could not attend (and R.S.V.P.ed before the requested R.S.V.P. date). Sometimes people are financially strapped or can't get out of work. Heck, a lot of people can't get out of work to attend their own relative's funeral, let alone a close friend's wedding!