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  1. #1
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    Default Ex-husband being foolish for dating much younger girl?

    No drama here, but just feeling like the song goes...things that make you go hmmmm.

    So my ex-husband and I are very good friends. I feel very fortunate that we did not have an ugly divorce. I've been seeing someone now for seven months and I love him very much. Ex is with somneone new too. She had been wanting to meet me and I think maybe had some insecurity issues about my relationship with my ex-husband because of our history. Tonight I found out she is only 20. Ex-husband is 32. Now do not get me wrong. I understand there are many 20 year olds who can be quite mature. But the funny thing is, I worry for HER more than for him. And she wants kids. He has always expressed to me that he doesn't. Now he's sort of like, "Well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it." This girl is very sweet. I liked her a lot. But she has only had one serious relationship and Ex-husband is moving back to his home state over 3,000 miles from here. I know it's not my business. Ex and I had dinner & I told him about my relationship which I was afraid to do. He told me a little bit more about his and said she wanted to meet me. So we went to my old house (which I hadn't been to in almost a year) and I met her. It is so weird, but it wasn't awkward at all. Or it didn't seem that way. But tonight she asked me straight out if I have a problem with their age difference. I just told her that I didn't but of course I am a little concerned because she hasn't had as much experience as ex-husband. Soooo on that note she replied that she's had one serious past relationship (3 years-high school) and she "knows what she wants". Oh man. We all knew what we wanted at 20! Heck, I thought I'd marry three guys before I married my ex. No disrespect to her, but part of me is like What is he thinking? He could hurt her. I mean who knows, maybe they'll make it. But this just doesn't seem like him. I know he's being careful and guarded...but still. So anyway, I am not sticking my nose in anything. I am happy that he's happy. It was SOOO nice to tell him about my relationship. It was nice to be open and honest. But I guess I was just wondering if I am nuts for being concerned. I mean my SO is 11 years older than I am. But 20 and 32 is a lot different than 29 and 40. Or at least to me? Anyway, I don't know what the point is. Just rambling, I guess.

    Thanks for reading.
    Last edited by HeatherFL; 07-19-2005 at 08:22 PM. Reason: Wanted to change title to make more sense

  2. #2
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    Jul 2005
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    I do think that 20 and 32 is a bigger difference than 29 and 40 (plus, he was your boss right so you two have been through a bit together). I'm curious as to where your ex met his current. Bar is out, church singles group is probably out, is she an undergrad and he a grad student at the same school?

    One that I've noticed in my friends is often after a long relationship and a break up one person will date someone totally and completely opposite of their ex...and often be wonderfully happy with that person. I brought that up because of the kids issue. You obviviously know Aaron better than I do, but maybe he's looking for something a bit different than what he wanted when you two were together?

  3. #3
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    Heather? The original Heather?
    Anyway, I would believe that more than likely that this is a rebound love for your EX. I am never one to judge love based solely on a number, but there is a significant difference between 20 and 32. I think it really speaks volumes that the two of you share so much after your divorce, and are working on remaining friends to some degree given all that has passed.

    So glad that YOUR life is working out to be completely blissful!
    Last edited by Freckles; 07-20-2005 at 07:32 PM.

  4. #4
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    I think you are completely right in being concerned. That is a big age difference when you are 20 and 32. I'm 31 myself now and there are very few 20 year olds that I can relate to now, much less on that deep of a level.

    However, he did just get out of a serious relationship (marriage! how more serious can you get?), so I have a feeling for him this is more of a way to have fun and not be serious, whether he admits it or not. If he is about to move 3,000 miles away from her, he can't be taking this all too seriously anyway.

    As far as she goes, it sounds like she is already hearing about the age difference from her own friends/family. Since she brought it up with you, it's obviously on her mind. He may in fact end up breaking her heart, but that is part of the lessons of love you learn when you are young.

    Given your relationship with him, there's not much you can say or do here. If you express any doubts to either of them about the relationship, they'll blow it off as jealousy. It may be tough to watch, but I do think silence is best here.
    houses blended - Nov. 2002
    house addition - Dec. 2007

  5. #5
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    I don't blame you for raising your eyebrows. 20 is, well, 20... insecure often in how relationships work, very often jealous of past relationships. Obviously you know your ex very well- how do you feel about it from his perspective? Do you think that is an odd match for him?

  6. #6
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    Anyway, I would believe that more than likely that this is a rebound love for your EX.
    Thats pretty much what I was thinking. I agree that 20-32 seems like a big difference. Maybe not chronologically but emotionally.

    Given your relationship with him, there's not much you can say or do here. If you express any doubts to either of them about the relationship, they'll blow it off as jealousy. It may be tough to watch, but I do think silence is best here.
    I agree completely with Houseblend.

  7. #7
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    I personally do not think a 20 year old and a 32 year old can have a long term serious relationship. I speak from personal experience. When I was 19 I had a fling with a 32 year old and there's no way it could have developed into something serious. NO WAY! We were at very different places in life and neither one of us would have been prepared for the relationship to go any further.

    Quote Originally Posted by jesvet
    I don't blame you for raising your eyebrows. 20 is, well, 20... insecure often in how relationships work, very often jealous of past relationships.
    This is also true. We weren't in a serious relationship, but I was still jealous and insecure. And I don't blame you, Heather, for being worried about her, especially since he's moving away. She's going to get her heart broken.
    That's just my two cents.

  8. #8
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    I just wanted to post because when DH and I first starting dating I was 21 and he was 33, a 12-year age difference. We have been together almost 10 years now, so it certainly has worked for us. However DH had never been married and not in too many serious relationships, so our "relationship history" was equivalent if that makes sense. At first it was a big deal to me to be dating such an older guy, but after the first month or so it basically became a non-issue. I think a lot of our ability to make it also has to do with DH's lifestyle at the time I met him too. He was not working a typical 9-5 job and climbing the corporate ladder. He had a good bit of free time during the day, so we could see each between my classes and we could sleep in together, those types of things. I guess in a lot of ways even though our chronologic ages were the different, our emotional and lifestyle ages were about the same.

    I does seem like they have more than the age hurdle if your ex is moving far away. I have done the long distance relationship thing too when I was 19-20 and it is not easy. You obviously know him probably better than she does to know if they might be able to work out. I agree with others that this iis probably a rebound or just a way to spend his time before he leaves town.
    Married 5/19/02
    Our Prince 1/14/09

  9. #9
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    Yep, 'tis I, Heather from WC.

    WOW thank you ALL for replying.

    First I want to write that not only is he moving 3,000 miles away, she is leaving this fall to Europe for her studies. They plan to keep in touch and go from there...It's odd because that's how we started. We were in a long distance relationship too! Then I moved to be with him, we drove cross country, got married and well you know the rest.

    So, to answer some of your questions:

    Yes, he was in grad school (graduated in May) and she is an undergrad. She was a big support to him during the separation/divorce and well just like my SO and me-the friendship grew into something more.

    Her father definitely does have a problem with the age difference. Her mom did at first, but she's warming up to him.

    She is really cute, but not womanly. If that makes sense. I mean I look at her and think young. I don't see her as a "woman".

    You know when we separated I read so many books and talked to a lot of people. They told me he was going through an early mid-life crisis. And sometimes I did wonder. I, again, mean no disrespect to her, but I also wonder if this is part of that.

    I wish I could explain it. She just seemed soooo ready for the marriage thing. She was so proud of how well she kept the townhouse (LOL MY townhouse.) And from what we've spoken of, he is definitely being careful about the future.

    so it certainly has worked for us. However DH had never been married and not in too many serious relationships, so our "relationship history" was equivalent if that makes sense.
    This makes a lot of sense to me. See, on many levels they definitely aren't equals here. He has A LOT more history in MANY areas.

    how do you feel about it from his perspective? Do you think that is an odd match for him?
    It definitely is an odd match for him. I do understand what he tells me. She is goal-oriented, ambitious and a smart girl. She was just sweet. I mean that's the best way I can describe her. In that sort of no one could ever say anything mean about her she is just that sweet. But I saw him with someone who was more womanly than so young.

    So anyway, I am going to keep my mouth shut. But I still wonder what in the world he's doing. I almost feel like he's not being fair to her. I don't know if it's that I remember how hurt I was during the beginning of our separation and I don't want to see her go through that (well of course I don't want anyone to be hurt) or if it's that I am looking at him like, "You're crazy..." I don't think I am jealous. I don't feel jealous. I had been so worried about telling him about my relationship because I'd kept it from him for so long that I was relieved everything was out in the open. I actually want him to be happy and to find someone who inspires him to love. If he's found that I am glad for him. But I just don't know that it's with such a young girl.

    Thanks again, everyone!

    ~H.

  10. #10
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    My best friend just turned 20...her new bf is almost 30! So I feel your pain. I cant stand him and I dont think they will work out. Although she KNOWS she is going ot marry him. idk what it is...but he gives me the creeps!
    DS1 8.7.2007 DS2 7.20.2009 DD 5.14.2011

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