This is a thread for anyone who's having trouble dealing with the way their labor unfolded and would like to talk about it. Feel free to discuss any aspects of your birth experience that have been bothering you, as this thread is for SUPPORT and not to judge. Obviously a healthy baby is #1 to all Moms, but sometimes the unexpected difficulties of labor can cause a loss of confidence and leave one feeling depressed or let down.
Marriage : 1.15.05
Benjamin : 4.26.06 : William : 4.7.08
Samuel Evans is here! Born 10.11.10 weighing 9lbs 6oz and 23" long
Glad you started this thread. I've never written down my real thoughts about my labor and delivery since they're not the 'it was a wonderful, amazing experience' thoughts you usually see. Long story short, I was given an epidural at 4cms that slowed my contractions and I ended up being in active labor for 15 hours - during this time the epidural machine died and had to be replaced, and after that the epidural basically wore off. By the time I had to push I could feel everything, but the two anesthiesiologists were both in c-sections and I was feeling way too much pressure to wait. I pushed for 2.5 hours and felt completely out of control. By the end I was begging the doctor to get the baby out of me. We ended up with a forceps assisted delivery. It's so hard to describe how it felt to have my DD pulled out of me. It was horrible. The worst pain I ever felt in my life. My husband said my screams scared the crap out of him. On her way out, I felt a crack, something breaking - at the time I thought it was my pelvis, but it ended up being DD's collarbone. Everything about my labor was great - until delivery. The delivery really traumatized me. I was not expecting to go through NCB, but that's what happened. DD weighed 9lbs 10oz, so that accounts for why it was so difficult to get her out. After she was born, they put her on my chest and I had zero feelings of amazement or love - only pain. Her broken collarbone prevented her from wanting to nurse, so I didn't get that bonding experience. The entire hospital stay I barely took care of her, I was in so much pain. I didn't even want to leave the hospital. I could have easily stayed another day or two.
For a long time, whenever I read stories of births easier than mine I got really jealous and angry. Not at those women, but more in a 'why did this have to happen to me?' kind of way. I feel like I got jipped. I couldn't even watch video we took from the hospital without crying. Thinking about my delivery made me anxious and sad. I thought about going to see a therapist b/c anytime I thought about how my daughter was born I started to cry. Just recently, like in the past few weeks, have I come to the realization that I did an amazing thing. I gave birth to a human! I should be proud of myself. I'm starting to come around but it was a long road, and I'm still not happy that I didn't get to have the wonderful birth moment so many people talk about.
jules1025 I'm so sorry you didn't have a good birth experience. People who do just don't understand the feelings that come along with having a bad experience. But I do think you are 100% right - you should definitely be proud of yourself. You gave birth. What a miracle. How is your daughter's collarbone?
I have two daughters. My oldest is 3 and youngest will be 2 in November. They are 16 months apart. My first birth experience was wonderful. Everything I could have ever imagined. And the bonding that came immediately after she was born is something I will forever remember. Unfortunately, my second labor and birth was nothing like the first.
With my first labor, I wanted to try it without an epidural. Well along came the back labor and that was that. Once I got the epidural all was well and I had my baby girl.
With my second labor, I had decided well ahead of time that I would get an epidural. I woke up in early labor at 2am. Got to the hospital at around 5:30am and was 4cm. I was feeling okay so I said I'd wait a little on the epi. At 9:30am my OB decided I should have pitocin (sp?) b/c I was still only 5-6cm. When I questioned him, he told me that I hadn't progressed much and that it was his recommendation. Stupidly, I listened. I should have realized that it was Thanksgiving weekend and who wants to be at a hospital all day waiting on a delivery... ugh. I specifically asked how long it would take to really kick in b/c I wanted to make sure I got the epi in time. He told me it would intensify gradually. Um yeah right. By 10:15 I was begging for the epidural. By 10:30, still no sign of the anesthiesiologist and my OB checked and I was 6cm. Then all of a sudden, I thought I had to poop. I kept begging the nurses to help me to the bathroom b/c I was attached to the IVs. The nurse starts telling me "oh hon, from here on out, you're going to be feeling a lot of pressure." um okay lady, I JUST did this 16 months ago, this is not normal pressure - this is I either have to poop or push a baby out and since I was just at 6cm, I'm thinking it's poop. So no one would listen to me so I yelled that I was just going to have to push and go to the bathroom in my bed. I started pushing, the nurse took a peek and that's when the chaos began. My baby girl was coming out. They rushed out to get my OB who they caught on his way to get coffee, he ran back, they were asking me to slide up the bed (b/c that's so easy 9 months pregnant and a baby coming out)... I was begging for an epi and telling them I was too scared to push without one. Finally the OB said I had to push. I started, he told me to stop and out came Kailey Emma. 1/2 a push. So from 10:30 to 10:44, I went from 6cm to 10cm and pushed her out. What a nightmare.
There was no immediate bonding like there was with my oldest. I was just so numb and shocked from the whole experience. In fact, I didn't really bond with her until the 2nd day I woke up next to her in my hospital bed. That's when it hit me that I had my second beautiful baby girl.
One thing that really used to bother me was when people would say what a great labor - only 14 minutes of hard labor. Well honestly that 14 minutes sucked and completely ruined my birth experience. Which in turn affected the bonding with my child in the beginning. So no, it wasn't a great labor.
I also had a lot of guilt b/c my first labor and birth was so amazing and I bonded so quickly with Alyssa. I think the guilt is mostly gone now. I love both of my girls to pieces.
dal - Thanks. Her collar bone healed perfectly and she's doing really well. It was so hard those first few weeks b/c I couldn't handle her like a normal newborn (another thing I got jipped on!) and I had major guilt, but I'm so glad it didn't cause any permanent damage. I totally understand what you are saying about feeling numb. That is exactly how I felt, too. And add to that the extreme guilt for feeling that way!
dal, I totally understand what you mean about having a fast labor and having trouble bonding. Here's my story:
Part of me feels silly posting because I'm one of those women who had a fast labor. My water broke at about midnight and my son was born just past 3:00 a.m. I wanted a NCB so we stayed at home as long as possible, thinking that I would have a long labor as a first time mom. When my DH thought I was pushing (I was), he made me get to the hospital. We arrived less than 30 minutes before my son was born. The bad part, to me, was that I had specified that I did not want an episiotomy or routine Pitocin (to stop bleeding after deliver), both of which I got. The episiotomy was the worst thing I've ever gone through. I had huge problems healing--could not sit down comfortably for two weeks, incision site overhealed and had to be repaired three months later (skin cut off), sex was uncomfortable the first 14 months PP. It was a nightmare to me. I had trouble bonding with my son in the beginning. In hindsight, I think I had some baby blues the first six weeks. I had thoughts of my baby being harmed (not by my own hands), anxiety, etc.
I attribute a lot of my bad experience to the episiotomy. My labor was fast but extremely intense but being cut and stitched without meds (the local the doctor gave me did not take) was hell.
Anyway, I had always looked forward to feeling elated and overcome with love for my baby at the moment of birth and I didn't have that at all. I was in too much pain from the stitching to even notice my newborn son. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I'm still working through it.
Jules, your experience sounds like a nightmare--machine dying, forceps delivery, baby's broken collar bone, etc. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you.
Last edited by bluebunny; 09-29-2006 at 06:55 PM.
Reason: Add to text
Mel, I remember reading your birth story and it was very similiar to mine. This thread is a great idea. I'm so glad to have my DD, but wish she came out a different way, literally. Part of it was that I was niave and trusted my doctor instead of taking charge of my labor experience, so I am mad at myself. My daughter is 19 mo. now and my feelings are a lot less intense than say when she was 6 mo.
Very interesting thread topic Mel! I do though hesitate to add my story, as to be perfectly honest, I don't think I'm quite over my "failed" NCB. I cried for weeks over getting an epidural. LOl, actually I still might if I'm not careful writing this reply! It took alot of time and effort on my part to embrace my birth experience as my own. I am determined to have a home birth next go around where NCB is the only option! lol.
Well, i guess i might as well go ahead, maybe this will be the final step that will let me let go of the last of my self-disapointment.
Just in point form (the long version can be found in my journal, post 670)
-was in early labour for aprox. 24 hours, a backache and mild contractions befor emy waterr boke.
-water broke at 4am. Took a few hours for contractions to speed up/intensify
-Spent all day walking/bouncing on birthing ball at home, contractions were painful, but I could still talk through them with effort.
-was checked at 4pm (12 hours after my water broke), and was so disapointed to discover I was only 2 cm dialated!
-discussed with m/w chances of continuing on my own, and decided that since I was on the clock due to my water breaking that in the best interest of avoiding a c/s, pitocin was our next step
-spent 8 hours on pitocin, with contractions a minute and a half long, 2 minutes apart (as in I was just coming off a contraction when the next one hit). I had been dealing with gallstone attacks, and the pain I was in with labour overshadowed everything I had felt with the gallstones!
-Dialated only to 4 cm after 8 hours of pitocin. I wanted to be knocked unconscious at this point! DS needed constant monitoring, so i was trapped in bed with no means of managing the pain. Finally decided to get an epidural.
-Had to wait hours to get pain relief after making that decision. Worst hours of my entire life! i was constantly going back and forth over getting the meds or not.
-dialated to 10 cm after only 3 ish hours of the epidural. blah.
- turned off the epidural during pushing, so happy with that decision!
- Pushed for 1.5 hours. Total time from water breaking till Logan was born was 25 hours. 3 of those were with an epidural.
The end result was a beautiful bouncing baby boy, which made the whole experience worth while. I even told my m/w an hour after giving birth I was ready to do it again without drugs. I'm crazy
I do think that if I wasn't feeling the pressure to dialate quickly because of being on the time limit, I could have gone natural. I truly believe I can do it, and am bound and determined to do it next time!
Last edited by red_canuck; 09-29-2006 at 08:45 PM.
I'm glad you all are posting in this thread and that I'm not the onl one feeling this way!
Jules - Oh your birth story makes me sad. I'm sure it was very tramatic to have everything go unplanned at the end. I can totally relate to your feelings of being jealous of people with easy labors.
Dal - It must be frustrating when people make those comments. I think many woman get set in the way they want to be in labor, and if it doens't work they don't know what to do. That's what happened to me.
Red - Wow I have never read your story before, but I don't think you should be mad at all for getting the epi (and you know I am BIG on NCB) Seriously you were in labor forever and even toughed it out with pitocin and no meds for a long time, that's crazy.
Here's my story: (trying to keep it brief!) Whole thing is here starting at post #986
Planned and prepared my entire labor for NCB. Worked out, took good care of myself, hired a doula, and had no doubt I could do it. I was in labor for 40 hours total with with no drugs till the very end. It hurt like hell, especially with the back labor (baby was posterior), but I felt ok and was sticking through it one contraction at a time. After 27 hours of labor I was only at 5-6 cm and remained stuck there for the rest of my labor. At the 34 hours mark my contractions began to decline and space themselves out, so I got the epidural/pitocin in hopes of avoiding a c-section. There I was confined to a bed, hooked up to everything. Even though I felt no pain these were the worst few hours of my life. The baby's HR dropped many times and I felt like I had no control over anything that was happening. They stopped the pitocin and my contractions stopped as well. Dr determined the baby's head was transverse (twisted/crooked) in the pelvis and even the doula confirmed the chance of vaginal delivery was slim to none at this point. So the girl who wouldn't even get an IV before was signing the consent form for a c-section. I felt like it was all a bad dream because this couldn't be happening. Turns out DS's head was really stuck in there and he also had the cord around his neck, so we did the right thing. He came out healthy and perfect, yet still I was devastated.
I built so much up on NCB that is became almost a test of my self worth (to me). And when it didn't go as planned I lost all confidence in myself and felt like I didn't even know who I was. I knew it wasn't my fault, that my body was actually helping by stopping labor to protect DS, and that my c-section was necassary, but I still couldn't get over it. Just now 5 months after am I finally starting to feel better about it all. I hate how I feel jealous of other woman who have great births or achieve NCB without much effort when I should be happy for them. I feel like I did everything right and got screwed. I hate how whenever someone mentions labor I feel like I have to justify myself. "Well I was in labor for 40 hours med free..blah blah blah" I am pissed. I was in labor twice as long as most woman, but nope I didn't have a NCB, just a huge scar And then I feel terrible for even thinking this way when people say "Well a healthy baby is all that matters." Slowly I am feeling better about it all. Mostly from talking about it a lot and learning to find myself again (if that makes sense). I am starting to think eventually I will have enough confidence to go for VBAC with the next one!
Last edited by mel7dog; 09-29-2006 at 08:33 PM.
Marriage : 1.15.05
Benjamin : 4.26.06 : William : 4.7.08
Samuel Evans is here! Born 10.11.10 weighing 9lbs 6oz and 23" long
My first delivery, I had wanted to be a natural childbirth. What I ended up with were some bitchy nurses, every intervention possible, which led right into a c/s. Now, I think some people (IRL) doubted the bitchy nurses since they had great experiences in the same hospital. Well, one of those bitchy nurses I ended up with as a PP nurse for my second nurse and lo and behold those same doubting Thomas' saw the light.
I tried to use everything about my first birth experience to prepare for my second birth. I wanted to look back and say that I learned something and was in more control b/c of it. And, I wanted a vbac.
So, I set out for and had, an awesome vbac. It was medicated, but I was fine with that, as my main goal for my second delivery was vaginal.