DH and i are going to have to make some serious decisions in the next couple of weeks about my terminally ill mother. The biggest one is going to be deciding where she is going to spend her final days.
So, here's my question...having a preschooler and an infant, would you take in your dying parent and let them die in your home?
ETA--the alternative would be my mom dying in her own home with hospice care--20 minutes away from both my sister and i (5 minutes from my sister's work)
Last edited by Littlelamb11; 04-08-2006 at 07:03 PM.
Lisa & Corbett 9-30-00
Annabelle Kristine 8-8-02
R. Ryder is here! 12-6-05
I'm so sorry this is happening. You and your mom will be in my thoughts.
For me, it would depend on how far she lived. If she was not close by, I would want her in my home. If she was close by, I would probably feel better about her being in her own home. Does she have a preference?
Yes, because if something were to happen in the middle of the night, I would be right there. My mom would do it for me if it came down to it, it would be only right for me to do the same for her.
my mom lives very close. I haven't brought this up to her yet and she's never mentioned anything about moving in with one of us--although she knnows there is just no room at my sister's place. We're meeting with the oncologist next week to get some more specifics so i didn't want to bring it up to my mom until after getting more details from the Dr and then discussing it with DH more.
Lisa & Corbett 9-30-00
Annabelle Kristine 8-8-02
R. Ryder is here! 12-6-05
I remember you talking about your mom's issues in your old journal - I'm so sorry to hear the time is approaching.
You know, it's a tough decision. I'm not a 100% follower of Dr. Laura, but I do listen to her show from time to time. She had a caller a while back that had the same predicament... I believe her children were slightly older, but not much more than your oldest. She was completely FOR having the parent stay in the home during the final days, and said that a situation like that can turn into a really positive learning experience for the child because it shows them care, compassion, love and the meaning of family.
Now personally, I really think I'd have to weigh all that on the temperment and personality of MY child... do you think your oldest could handle it? She will certainly see things that she hasn't seen before and could be scary, and it will take a lot of explaining on your part and understanding on her part.
DD 1 - 6/29/06 .... DD 2 - 8/1/08
~~A robot walks up to a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve robots." The robot says "Oh, but someday you will."~~
My great-aunt's daughter and her family (husband and 4-year-old) moved in when she (great-aunt) was dying and hospice came in. I know the daughter was happy she could be there for her mom's final months, and I think it was a gradual enough of a process that the 4-year-old was able to handle it all very well. I remember going to the church for the funeral with the 4-year-old and she was very calm albeit sad. She asked if her grandmother was with her grandfather (great-aunt's husband who had died long before 4-year-old was born) and when we told her yes, she was very happy to hear that and that was it as far as being traumatized or upset by anything. This was all almost 7 years ago and she still seems to have dealt well with it.
Thinking of y'all. Don't forget to take care of yourself, too.
What a terrible question to have to answer. Only you and your family can decide what's right for you and your family, of course.
But my instinct would be, assuming mom agrees, to have her come to stay with you. Your children are going to be losing their grandmother at a very young age. Having her home with you may give your oldest the chance to cement a few precious extra memories they wouldn't have otherwise. I know I treasure my memories of all the time I spent at my grandparents house, that last summer before my grandpa died. Different situation, yes, but I wouldn't trade those memories for all the world-and will be be the only chance your oldest will have to spend any solid amount of time with their grandmother.
I know I don't post in this section...well ever. But I just wanted to tell you my experience. My DH died in my home. My son was almost 4 at the time. He had seen his father sick his entire life, in and out of hospitals and it never phased him because it was all he knew. He didn't know anything different, dad went into the hospital and came home, in and out, over and over.
When my DH finally got to the end, even though my son had lived with it, I didn't want him there. He was actually at my SIL's house when my DH died. When he got home it was horrible to try and get him to realize that daddy wasn't ever coming home again. He just thought daddy was back in the hospital again. When I explained about heaven and that daddy would always be there with him in his heart, and watching over him, he was still very upset. It took a long time for him to actually realize that his dad wasn't ever coming home.
Why am I telling you this 12 years down the road....because I totally regret it now. My son had seen the illness his entire life, but I could have given him another week with his father and let him see the love his dad had for him. Instead, I felt it would be easier on everyone, myself, my DH and my DS to have a 3 year old NOT be around at the end. I wish he'd been there now, although to be honest, I was so traumatized by my DH's death, it might have been for the better. It was very hard to sit there with my DH's dead body in my liviing room, and if my son would have been there, he wouldn't have totally understood, but then, maybe he would have understood better? It's really a tough call, but like I said, I totally regret it now, and if I had to do it all over again, I'm not sure what decision I'd have made and whether it would be the correct one or not.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this with your mother, I know it's got to be very hard. All I can say is to look at the relationship you and your children have with grandma. Will your daughter be able to handle seeing her grandmas body? Will she be able to sort out her feelings, or even really realize whats going on? How hard will it be for her to see everyone crying? I think back to that day, and although I regret it now, I still don't know how my son would have handled it, 3 year olds are very fragile. I think only you and your DH can make this call, you have to decide if your children can handle it or not. No matter what decision you make, in 12 years you might not think its the right one, KWIM?
Again, I know I've just rambled, and I know I wasn't much help, but I'll be thinking and praying for your whole family that the end can be a loving one.
Dying grandparents
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