I was helping a very good friend with all her wedding projects, only to be completely insulted by her fiance when I showed her the final results of wedding invitations I spent hours working on. Here is where it gets tricky... The groom is my cousin.
Let me give you some history of what happened.
I'm a newlywed, so I understand the stress that brides have on a day to day basis. I was married 11.25.05. I loved planning my wedding. I am an artist by nature, so even though everyone thought I was crazy for taking so much on, I made all my own centerpieces, invitations, favors, decorations, etc. Not only did it save a ton of money, making all my own wedding things was relaxing for me. It was my quiet time. (yes, I know. it sounds crazy to most.)
"B", the above mentioned bride, was in my wedding party, engaged at the time. She knew exactly how much work went into planning my wedding, and I think it overwhelmed her, knowing that her wedding was right around the corner. I assured her that I'd help her with anything she needed... And that I did. I no sooner got home from my honeymoon, and dove straight in, helping B with everything from finalizing the guest list to printing the Save The Dates to choosing the BM dresses. I work 2 jobs, volunteer on the weekends and have a DH that travels for a living, so my time is limited, and free time that falls on DHs time off is even more limited. But, I was honored that B wanted my help, so I managed to find the time to fit it all in.
Last week, even though my DH had the week off from work, I spent every free moment of my time working on B's wedding stuff. She wanted her invitations out by that friday, so we were on a time crunch. At one point, Wednesday night, DH and I spent 4 hours printing and cutting the response cards and direction inserts. (that was the only "quality" time we got in that week...)
Thursday, we all (me, DH, B, and her fiance, my cousin, M) take a class together. I brought all the invitation stuff placed neatly in a box for them. When B and M got there, I called B over to go over everything in the box. As i was doing that, M came over, grabbed the directions insert out of my hand, barely gave it a glance and said, "I could do better that this. Why did you bother." I tried to ask him what he didn't like about it, but he cut me off, repeating that he could do better. I was fuming!!! I started to tell him how I spent 4 hours the night before working on it so everything would be perfect and ready to send, and usually, if someone did me such a huge favor like that, I'd say thank you. I wouldnt criticize them. He cut me off saying, "I didn't ask you to do any of it, so I don't have to thank you." I started to tell him I thought he was being ingrateful, but before I could get the words out, he told B to give him the keys, he wasn't going to take this. And he left her there, at the class.
The class, minutes from starting, got quiet. B looked up and said, "It's okay. I'm used to it. He's stubborn. It's no big deal"
NO BIG DEAL!!??
M didnt ask me for help, but B did. M hasn't done a thing for his own wedding. B has done everything. And When B does do something on her own, he criticizes it. He has fought her the whole way. he even told her how she has to wear her hair, and that she had to wear heals, etc. He is so controling, and I believe him to be verbally and emotionally abusive to B. At this point, even though he is my cousin, I can't stand him.
As class started, i couldnt calm myself down. I quietly got up and went to the bathroom and started bawling. I was so hurt. I couldn't calm down. My DH came into the bathroom to try to calm me. When he realized how upset I was, he got my things for me and we left out the side door, to not interupt class any more than it already had been.
As we were getting in the car, M came back and went in to get B so he could talk to her outside. As soon as they were both outside, a jumped out of the car, walked up to them and told M that I thought he was the most ingrateful SOB i've ever known, that I thought he treated B like sh!t, and that I truely hated him, and at this point, dont even conciter him family. Then I turned to B and told her I thought she was making the biggest mistake of her life marrying that man. then we left.
I don't know what do do. Yeah, I said some nasty things, but I don't regret what I said. I truly think he is ingrateful, and I truly think she is making a mistake marrying him.
At this point, I don't even know if I'm welcome to stand in the wedding, and honestly, I hope that I'm not welcome. I feel like what I said has opened the doors for others to give their opinion. In discussing what happened with my mom and my aunt, (M's mom) they both totally agree that M treats her like crap.
Does anyone have any words of advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do you think I was out of line in what I said?
Chloe 8/2010 Oliver 7/2012
At the beach life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour, but mood to moment.
We live by the currents, plan by the tides and follow the sun.
Wow this is a tough one. You may not like what I write, but here goes.
I have learned a few things in life. 1) Don't give of my time freely. A favor is a favor- you do it with a generous heart, with no expectations. I know there is some saying that you "shouldn't give more than you can afford" and it rings true here. You are resentful because it wasn't properly acknowledged the way YOU would acknowledge it; but not everyone is going to play by your expectations. (yes, he was a jerk!).
It seems to me you are very angry about the time spent on these invitations, but to be honest, M does have a point that he didn't ask you to do the invitations- you did it for B. (True, he was not nice about it though. I would have been angry too, but taken it as a lesson learned and saw my mistake).
2) I try to stay out of other's relationship issues- it is not your place to judge. If M treats B like crap and you are against the marriage, why did you agree to stand in the wedding in the first place? Or spend so much of your precious time making the invitations? M may well be verbally abusive and critical; it sure sounds like he is.
If you were really concerned about B, I would have a one on one conversation with her and offer your support. But being in a relationship (and former marriage) like that myself, I know until B is READY to hear it, she will be deaf. It takes a lot to break out of a pattern of abuse, and calling her fiance on the carpet is probably going to make her defend him more.
Since you've said your piece, truthfully I would apologize to B and leave it alone. I would also tell her that under the circumstances, you can't attend the wedding.
I hate to say it, but you just dropped yourself out of the wedding. There is no way you can stand up, or even attend a wedding where you told the groom he treats his future wife like shit and told the bride she was making the biggest mistake of her life marrying him.
Like it or not, they're family. Think about how this will affect your entire family in a larger sense and decide if you need to make amends to the couple for the greater good. If you really don't want anything to do with them ever again, accept there may be consequences for you cutting them out of your life. (Akward family gatherings, etc.)
But you are not welcome at a wedding where you say such awful things to the couple. Seriously.
Last edited by Ki Ki Marcus; 03-14-2006 at 11:25 AM.
Reason: edited for spelling
If I were giving you advice before this all happened, I definitely would not say, yes, go ahead and tell the both of them all of this.
OTOH, it was said in the heat of emotion and now that it is all said and done... I'm not going to tell you you shouldn't have said it. He does sound like a real piece of work, and I would be concerned as well that she is making a very bad decision.
I do think I would consider apologizing though, just because it sounds like B might need a good friend in the future. Something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, I let my emotions get the best of me and said some things that were none of my business." (So you're not denying the truth of what you said, but acknowledging that Miss Manners might not approve of the method. )
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.- Douglas Adams
I probably wouldn't have reacted like that. Maybe he's having a hard time dealing with the whole marriage process, and the invitations really set it all in for him? Or maybe "home-made" invitations aren't his cup of tea.
OTOH, he was a jerk, and I wouldn't attend someone's wedding if they treated me like that.
I have learned a few things in life. 1) Don't give of my time freely. A favor is a favor- you do it with a generous heart, with no expectations. I know there is some saying that you "shouldn't give more than you can afford" and it rings true here. You are resentful because it wasn't properly acknowledged the way YOU would acknowledge it; but not everyone is going to play by your expectations. (yes, he was a jerk!).
It seems to me you are very angry about the time spent on these invitations, but to be honest, M does have a point that he didn't ask you to do the invitations- you did it for B. (True, he was not nice about it though. I would have been angry too, but taken it as a lesson learned and saw my mistake).
Oh, believe me, I've learned my lesson.
I guess my point about him saying M didn't ask for my help specificly, but he knew that B asked for my help. If he had a problem with it, he should have said so before I invested so much time.
So many times I've been B's shoulder to cry on. That night I got a feel of the abuse that B takes on a day to day basis, because that time, the anger was triggered toward me. Looking back, my being upset had more to do with a build up of anger toward M because of the way he treats B, than it had to do with the invitations.
2) I try to stay out of other's relationship issues- it is not your place to judge. If M treats B like crap and you are against the marriage, why did you agree to stand in the wedding in the first place? Or spend so much of your precious time making the invitations? M may well be verbally abusive and critical; it sure sounds like he is..
THis is a good point. Like I said, I have been B's shoulder to cry on so many times. She i blinded by love and thinks she is happy. She is a good friend. She needed my help, so I gave it. Looking back, I see exactly what you are saying and probably should have kept my distance from the begining. I guess it is true when they say no good deed goes unpunished.
If you were really concerned about B, I would have a one on one conversation with her and offer your support. But being in a relationship (and former marriage) like that myself, I know until B is READY to hear it, she will be deaf. It takes a lot to break out of a pattern of abuse, and calling her fiance on the carpet is probably going to make her defend him more
You are so right here. She won't hear it until she is ready to. Part of me is holding on to the friendship because I know when she has an awakening and realizes the pattern of abuse, she is going to need a friend. She already has lost most of her friends because they dislike M so much, and see the abuse pattern.
la_bride_2004: I really appreciate your advice. Thank you so much. you say you have been in a relationship like b's? Maybe you can help me understand better what is going on in her head, so next time, instead of exploding with anger, I'll have better understanding of her thought process.
But you are not welcome at a wedding where you say such awful things to the couple. Seriously.
I said the truth. Yes, it was said in anger, and in the heat of an argument, but it was still the truth. And, I'm not the only one who feels this way, I'm the only one who has vocalized it. In talking to the Groomsmen, even they agree with what I said. go figure.
If I were giving you advice before this all happened, I definitely would not say, yes, go ahead and tell the both of them all of this.
OTOH, it was said in the heat of emotion and now that it is all said and done... I'm not going to tell you you shouldn't have said it. He does sound like a real piece of work, and I would be concerned as well that she is making a very bad decision.
I do think I would consider apologizing though, just because it sounds like B might need a good friend in the future. Something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, I let my emotions get the best of me and said some things that were none of my business." (So you're not denying the truth of what you said, but acknowledging that Miss Manners might not approve of the method. )
LittleFred, I agree 100% with what you said here. I know i should apologize, but I don't want to deny the truth.
Chloe 8/2010 Oliver 7/2012
At the beach life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour, but mood to moment.
We live by the currents, plan by the tides and follow the sun.
I probably wouldn't have reacted like that. Maybe he's having a hard time dealing with the whole marriage process, and the invitations really set it all in for him? Or maybe "home-made" invitations aren't his cup of tea.
About the invitations, I gave them ideas, they went out and got all the supplies, I did a trial, they saw it and loved it, so I did the rest. They knew exactly what they were getting, I guess thats why I don't understand why he was so angry and hostile toward me that night. That night was the first time he saw all the pieces all together, (response cards, inserts, etc...)
My DH thinks that the invitations being ready to send symbolizes that the wedding is actually going to happen, and we both have observed that he has fought everything having to do with the wedding, throughout the whole process, not just the things I have helped with. DH thinks he dosent want to get married and is looking for an out.
ETA- I guess a reason why I was so hurt when he said "I didn't ask for your help" was because yes, he never said, "will you help me?", but he was well aware that I was doing all this, because he was with B when she purchased all the supplies, and he saw 2 different trials and helped B choose the one they liked the best. Thats what makes me believe that his anger has nothing to do with the invites.
Last edited by Fenway; 03-14-2006 at 12:20 PM.
Chloe 8/2010 Oliver 7/2012
At the beach life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour, but mood to moment.
We live by the currents, plan by the tides and follow the sun.
LittleFred, I agree 100% with what you said here. I know i should apologize, but I don't want to deny the truth.
I think you can apologize without lying by saying something like, "My feelings were hurt, but I shouldn't have reacted that way. I'm sorry." I don't think you have to go back into what you think about them getting married in your apology. But you also don't have to let him talk that way to you, either. He was in the wrong to be so rude to you. She may put up with that, but you don't have to. And you're in a unique position in that you have a family relationship with him that her other friends do not. That may give you the room to set a firm boundary with him that other people would find impossible because they only know him through her.
I'm really sorry this happened. Just try to focus on the fact that you helped your friend and that she wanted your help. Try as hard as you can to let the rest of it float away.
As a PP said, I don't think you can be angry about how much time you spent helping with the wedding because you volunteered to do it. You chose to invest your free time, your DH's time, etc.
I agree that you shouldn't have reacted how you did. If you had concerns for your friend, you should have voiced them to her at a separate time. Probably before you picked out dresses and made invitations.
If you don't think they should be married, why did you agree to stand in the wedding? I definitely don't think you should do it now, especially if you truly do hate the groom.
I don't think it was a good idea to discuss how the groom treats the bride with the groomsmen. Why gossip with other people about it?
At this point, I think you should tell your friend that you will not be in or attending her wedding, but that you are her friend and will be available if she needs you in the future.
A sticky wedding situation, advice needed!!
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Originally Posted by lilydawg
