Visitation time question....

[luckiestgirl]

.....

[lawyergirl25]

I can't give you any legal advice, but I can tell you what happens in our situation...

DH's visitation lasts from 7 p.m. on Friday until 7 p.m. on Sunday. Although DH's ex is pretty flexible about picking SS up or dropping him off earlier or later than that, if SS has to be home at 7, that means he's in her custody at 7 (wherever they've decided to meet, if not at her home). DH doesn't get additional car time, and neither does she on the rare occasions that she drops SS off or picks him up.

As for step-parent visits, this isn't really an issue for us. I will pick SS up and spend time with him until DH gets home from work, or I'll take him for something to eat and take him home when DH has to go into work on the weekends, but I don't take SS for my own visits. I don't think SS would enjoy it much (he's 13 and doesn't like us cutting into his "friend time" with visits as it is) and I know DH's ex would be up in arms (she would prefer that SS and I have a more distant relationship - I think she feels threatened, though she has absolutely no reason to be). So it's not something I would be comfortable with, but I think for entirely different reasons than you're expressing.

It may be wise to meet with an attorney in your area to determine whether you should have a court order outlining your visitation rights, his chid support obligations, and any other issues that are lingering between you.

[maxandmolly]

Definitely sounds like it's time to get the lawyers involved if he's going to be that particular about things. Having it all in black and white can only help you. Also, he should be paying to support his child!
Now, as for the step-parent issue- how old is the child? If she's on the younger side, and s-mom has been around most of that time, I don't see it being a problem for them both to spend time with her during visits. But unless she is old enough to actually say, I wanna go hang out with s-mom even I don't get to see daddy, then no. That's not quite right.

[claribella]

GET A LAWYER...

I went through this kinda thing with my ex-husband and the only way to solve it is to get lawyers. He was nitpicky too and when I finally got it all legal, he didn't stray from the set guildlines at all.

If it is set by the court that visititation is from, just for example, 8am to 8pm...then the child is picked up at 8am from PRIMARY custodian parents house and dropped off at 8pm at primary custodian parents house (yours)

Get it all legal and on paper. Then there will be no confusion and if he doesn't follow those guildlines set by the court...he's in trouble.

Also, I believe you may have more rights than you think by not having been married. Contact a lawyer though.

[IrishMeg]

Sounds like you will be needing a lawyer since he sounds rather difficult. I agree with you. She should be home by 7:15pm. I can assure you court orders are not going to refer to "car time." That is about the stupidest thing I've heard in a while. Time is time regardless of where you are spending it.

Another question: Lately he has been calling up to tell me that the visit for the day is a "*wife's name* visit" meaning he won't be there & only his wife will. Is this right? He barely saw her from birth to 1 yr old, then didn't see her until he took me to court for visitation in July 2004, immediately started cancelling visits that were 1-4 every other Sat, now he "holds" his visits but is never there??? Is that right? Visits are suppose to be for dad not stepmom aren't they? I have been letting DD go because frankly, I like his wife better then him & DD adores his wife but doesn't even like being with him. So I figured that someday when we do end up in court I can bring in that he never visits, that only his wife does.

In regard to this, I don't think there is really anything you can do about it. (And I don't mean that in a snarky way at all!) How, with whom, and where they spend their time with DD is up to them. (Unless of course she is in danger or being harmed in some way.) I would just let that go.

I think that visitation should be CLEARLY defined in court orders not only for you and her dad but for her sake as well. The more clearly it is written, the less arguing your DD has to endure. It is better for everyone. My FH's court order states "liberal visitation" and it has been a nightmare. We have to fight with his ex-wife for everything. I really wish we had something more concrete instead of fighting about every weekend and holiday. It is really stressful.

Sounds like he is just trying to be a PITA about the times, not like he really cares about the extra time with DD. Which sucks for DD.

[suzubeane]

I'm going to take the opposite opinion here. Don't run to get a lawyer yet, but document everything. You don't need to tell him you're doing that, just jot things down, including times and dates of visits, pick-ups, drop-offs, phone calls, etc. Just in case.

In the meantime, you daughter will benefit if you have the most flexible policy possible. The three of you (or four if you're married, too) should be working together to do what's best for your daughter. When is her bedtime? How long do you need to get her ready for bed? THAT should dictate when she comes home. If he wants to bring her home bathed, changed, and ready for bed, then she can stay with him later. If he wants YOU to do that, you need more time with her at night.

Same with picking her up - it should revolve around her nap and eating schedule. As she gets older, it will revolve around her homework and activity schedule.

Your daughter's step-mother is another parent to her, and you'd do well to make her an ally. If you don't consider her someone who needs to bond with your daughter as much as your ex does, you will just alienate her. I'm very pleased that my ex has never seemed threatened by my husband. That part has really been easy for the kids.

I'm writing this from the perspective of someone whose divorce was done 6 years ago without lawyers. At the time, we both agreed that money spent on attorneys was money we'd be taking away from our kids. I'm not saying lawyers are never needed - but I don't think you're there yet.

Also, please know that my relationship with my ex was very contentious when we split up. We're not best friends now, but things are much better. The more flexible we can be, the better it is for the kids. Last Tuesday was supposed to be "his night," but when he got here, my nine year-old daughter had a lot of homework and didn't want to go. Instead they went to the library down the street. Turned out the library was closed. She brought him home, invited him in, took him up to her room and gave him a little recital on her violin! Then they played a few games and he left her to finish her homework.

Was it a bit awkward for me? Sure - but it was also an indication of how far we'd all come, and I was proud of us.

I don't know your whole situation, but you can probably look forward to a time when you'll be where my family is now. Just start dealing with your ex and his wife as three parents united over one child - not people in a pissing contest over what time she comes and goes.

[BTB]

Honestly, on the first issue - 7:15 - I agree with your ex. Your DD isn't usually home at 7:15, she's usually travelling and is home at 7:45. It's nice of both you and your ex to ordinarily split the driving responsibilities. On days he is the one to both pick her up and drop her off, it would be nice if he did get one extra half-hour.

I'd think he was sweet and being a really good dad if that was the end of your question. But then he's skipping weeks, and having DD visit with her stepmom exclusively - and there, I don't know what to say, but I wish you well.

[Delaney21]

My brother has been going through a custody battle for the past 9 years with his daughter. Its really messy and the person that I really losing is his DD. She is constantly put in the middle because her mom tells her that my brother doesn't love her, doesn't want to see her, etc. My brothers ex-wife got remarried and now has 2 children of her own, she tells my niece that she's not really part of the family because they have different last names. She says this because she is trying to get my niece to convince my brother to give up his parental rights so her new DH can adopt her. Luckily my niece is a smart little girl so she knows how to play both sides. She agrees with her mom on everything, but as soon as she is away from her mom its a completely different story. Its very sad, and I wonder how this will effect her in the long run.

So why am I telling you this? Well, you are concerned about a half hour. There are much bigger things that could be happening, and as long as this is the only real problem, I think you should just leave it alone. If you do try to contest this, keep in mind that he may get *more* parenting time. A lot of fathers get visitation every other week for the entire weekend and he's only getting 6 1/2 hours every other Sunday.

Its frustrating because its not what you agreed on, but if you are flexible, he'll probably be willing to be more flexible if something comes up and you need your DD with you during his parenting time.

[Secret_Squirrel]

I'm going to take the opposite opinion here. Don't run to get a lawyer yet, but document everything. You don't need to tell him you're doing that, just jot things down, including times and dates of visits, pick-ups, drop-offs, phone calls, etc. Just in case.

In the meantime, you daughter will benefit if you have the most flexible policy possible. The three of you (or four if you're married, too) should be working together to do what's best for your daughter. When is her bedtime? How long do you need to get her ready for bed? THAT should dictate when she comes home. If he wants to bring her home bathed, changed, and ready for bed, then she can stay with him later. If he wants YOU to do that, you need more time with her at night.

Same with picking her up - it should revolve around her nap and eating schedule. As she gets older, it will revolve around her homework and activity schedule.

Your daughter's step-mother is another parent to her, and you'd do well to make her an ally. If you don't consider her someone who needs to bond with your daughter as much as your ex does, you will just alienate her. I'm very pleased that my ex has never seemed threatened by my husband. That part has really been easy for the kids.

I'm writing this from the perspective of someone whose divorce was done 6 years ago without lawyers. At the time, we both agreed that money spent on attorneys was money we'd be taking away from our kids. I'm not saying lawyers are never needed - but I don't think you're there yet.

Also, please know that my relationship with my ex was very contentious when we split up. We're not best friends now, but things are much better. The more flexible we can be, the better it is for the kids. Last Tuesday was supposed to be "his night," but when he got here, my nine year-old daughter had a lot of homework and didn't want to go. Instead they went to the library down the street. Turned out the library was closed. She brought him home, invited him in, took him up to her room and gave him a little recital on her violin! Then they played a few games and he left her to finish her homework.

Was it a bit awkward for me? Sure - but it was also an indication of how far we'd all come, and I was proud of us.

I don't know your whole situation, but you can probably look forward to a time when you'll be where my family is now. Just start dealing with your ex and his wife as three parents united over one child - not people in a pissing contest over what time she comes and goes.

ITA with this post.

I'm a divorced mom of 2. Keep what's best for your daughter in mind. Is there a need to quibble over a one-time half an hour? Try and keep your relationship with your ex as low-stress as possible and your daughter will benefit from it.

As for the "step-mom only" visits, that's another issue. You may want to negotiate it so that if dad isn't there, DD doesn't visit or has a reduced visit. After all, he is the one with visitation, not step-mom.

One last point - you don't need a lawyer to draw up a custody agreement. Honestly, I think lawyers are the LAST resort - not only are they expensive, but they seem to increase bitterness between people. If you and your ex can be cordial and work together, you can get the paperwork to write up your own visitation agreement and file it with the court without an attorney.