http://www.constantchatter.com/forum/ Please contact a forum mod or admin for an anonymous user name en Thu, 23 May 2013 21:53:38 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.constantchatter.com/forum/images/misc/rss.png http://www.constantchatter.com/forum/ http://www.constantchatter.com/forum/showthread.php?51365-Toxic-parents&goto=newpost Mon, 20 May 2013 20:45:26 GMT I am trying to come to terms with what to do regarding my parents (primarily my father at this point) and what I perceive to be a toxic relationship. I am sure I am going to be rambling so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense. I know some of this sounds so petty and it’s probably because it’s... I am trying to come to terms with what to do regarding my parents (primarily my father at this point) and what I perceive to be a toxic relationship. I am sure I am going to be rambling so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense. I know some of this sounds so petty and it’s probably because it’s snippets and not the entire story .
My mother in particular has a very volatile temper. Living with her was like walking on eggshells. She told me I should drop out of college when I got a C in chemistry since I wasn’t “college material.” She had told me that getting married and having kid were the biggest mistakes she’d ever made. My parents disowned me once when I was 20 or so because they did not approve of who I was dating (looking back it was not a good relationship, but how many are at that age KWIM). I made contact with them after about 3 years. We parted ways again about 4 years after that over my wedding. There were a lot of issues surrounding that and in the end my parents decided not to come to my wedding
We didn’t have any contact for 5 years. When I became pregnant with my first child, I began wondering if I should try to reestablish contact again since there would be children involved. Before I completely decided I lost the baby at 20 weeks. While I was in the hospital I called my father. My parents came over after I was discharged and while we never addressed the issues with the wedding, I decided to begin with a clean slate so to speak.
We maintained a relationship with them visiting a few times a year (they moved about 6 hours away after we got back in contact again). They took care of DS1 a few times, my father helped with little projects around the house, etc. We always treated them to dinner out and a couple times we gave them money/gift cards to help with cruise excursions, etc.
I think it’s always hard to have guests, but it was very strained with my parents. They tend to clutter everything (when I came home from the hospital after having DS1 I had to clean up the house since we were having guests over for a bris). They do not like what I cook so they bring their own food and cook (for all of us, but it’s heavy cooking and we usually pay the price).
DH and my mother always had issues. I admit DH sometimes would get a bit of an attitude with my mother, but sometimes it was out of exasperation. My mother, on the pretense of being helpful, can come across as overly dramatic, attacking, and controlling. The best example I can give is over garlic powder. I had gone to the store and had purchased the store brand because I knew were running low. Upon seeing it my mother asked me how much it had cost. I honestly couldn’t remember, but it was the store brand so it couldn’t have been ridiculously expensive. I told her I didn’t remember. She then sort of interrogated “what $5?” I replied, “maybe, I don’t remember.” She then told me that I could have gotten 5x as much at Costco for the same (um fine, but I would never even use it before it expired). For a little background, my mother grew up with very little and money was and probably still is very tight for my parents so she does watch pennies.
The next time they came to visit (December we all sat down to talk about the situation. I told her that I knew she was very careful with money and I luckily am able to be a little less cautious and that we were “OK.” I honestly can’t remember all the details of the conversation, but I remember afterward thinking “this went well, everyone seems to have an understanding, etc” The rest of their visit seemed to go fine. Well, apparently my mom felt attacked and was livid (I found this out from my brother). After this DH and I decided that we just couldn’t have my mother in our house if we can’t even discuss something calmly about things that are bothering us (or her). We didn’t speak for 4 months. She missed my second son’s birth and bris (my father did come). I called her on her birthday in April last year (while I was in the midst of my own fair share of post partum depression) and she proceeded to tell me “everything” that bothered her about me, that I am ungrateful, etc.
DS1’s birthday was in May. My father came (6 hour drive). He came early, but did not stay for the party because he had brought my mom and he had to take her out to dinner. He called that night asking if we could meet for breakfast (on Mother’s Day). I really didn’t think any good was going to come from it, but I agreed. I said hello to my mother , she said hello to me and that was about it. I didn’t know what to talk to her about in a public place especially. After the meal we had to leave (DS1 was getting antsy, DS2 was hungry- which at least could have been dealt with). After my parents got home I got an email from my dad that he was so hurt that I didn’t say hello to my mother or wish her a Happy Mother’s Day (true on the last count). I had said repeatedly that mom needs to have some counseling to resolve issues before we can begin to mend our relationship (and maybe we all need counseling). My dad has always agreed, but he can’t get my mother to go. Calls between my dad and I had become more and more sporadic and difficult (since my mom is always there).
My dad visited in January and brought the boy’s Chanukah presents (8 for each child plus a book with each gift- it was crazy). He wanted to sit around and talk about the issues and we rehashed the same old things again. Again, it seems like I am to blame for everything and I should just accept things as they are basically. He admits my mother needs help, but she won’t get it. He makes excuses for her behavior (her childhood, he trying to be helpful, her not realizing how she comes across). He also started coming up with all the things I had done over the years. We haven’t spoken since. He sent birthday presents for the boys (and we have called to have DS1 thank him; though calls always got to voicemail anyway), but that has been the extent.
Several family members have mentioned that my mother “will never change.” They agree that she has had problems for a long time. Her sister (who I talk to once or twice a month) says that I have always extended the olive branch and insisting my mom get help was the smart thing to do for us and our children.
I am very torn about the gifts from my father for my boys. It’s sort of like peeling off a scab each time and DH wonders if we need to just break off all contact. I have guilt that my kids are missing out on grandparents (but what sort of relationship is it anyway) and I have guilt that our family dynamic is like this; it’s not the way it should be. It's weird, I am strong and stand up to things all the time, but I have such a hard tiem dealing with my parents. ]]> Emotional Support off2skl http://www.constantchatter.com/forum/showthread.php?51365-Toxic-parents