Vent - MIL-related.. I need advice

[onomatopoeia]

My MIL was great.. in the beginning. She's willing to babysit for us almost any time we want. She's really friendly, etc. There's some problems and I need to know if I am overreacting or not.

Since it's a LONG story, I will just give you the bullet points.

1. We told her that b/c allergies run in my family, we were holding off on certain foods, ie eggs. She kept insisting that she wanted to give DS everything we ate. After we'd pick him up or come home, she would confess or we'd find evidence that she'd giving him things he shouldn't have, ie jello, gerber puffs (before we were giving them to him), and cake. DH and I both told her NUMEROUS times just to feed him whatever we gave her to give him, but the problem hasn't stopped. At her wedding, LONG STORY, but DH and I both saw her give DS frosting. She didn't know we had seen. Then she came over to our table and told us that Her new husband had tried to give DS frosting, but she stopped him - a lie. We didn't confront her on it since it was HER wedding day, but the fact she lied was disturbing to both DH and I.

2. We leave MIL with DS for 2 hours while we go get a new car. There was no one else to watch him. We come to find blood all over the bathroom floor, long story, but she says she was watching him, ( I find it hard to believe) and DS cut his finger on the vent in the bathroom. This is much worse than just sneaking him food or lying about it my opinion.

3. Underhanded comments - like she knows I have a tattoo on my ankle. For some reason that has been a subject of conversation several times... I am actually getting it removed. Anyway she sees a girl at the pool with a tattoo and whispers to me, don't you think tattoos are so trashy?
And her friend is dating a mexican and she used a bad word (which I won't repeat) to describe the mexican man. Well, I have mexican blood in me and MIL knows this. Again not sure why, but this has come up in conversation a lot. She's always saying that she can't believe I have any Hispanic blood in me, b/c she thinks my skin is too fair.

Anyway, like I said I am just venting, but I'd love to hear what anyone else has done about a MIL like this - one who babysits willingly, but won't follow our rules and one who acts so nice to me (compliments,etc) but then sort of disses me on the side.
Should we stop her babysitting all together? DH thinks that's harsh, but we have talked to her many times about the food issue.

[1_mommy]

we had the same problem with my stepmom. we let rules be known and rules were not being followed. we confronted her, and then put dd in a daycare (she was babysitting during the day while we were at work)

i would definetly talk to mil and tell her you are really serious about the things you do with ds, and you have your reasons for doing things. grandparents tend to spoil children, but there are just some things she needs to wait to "spoil" him with until he is older

[NYN]

i don't think i would trust her to babysit. it is bad enough she is disrespecting you w/ her underhanded comments, but to feed your son foods that you have specifically asked he not be given -- i wouldn't allow that to happen a second time.

regarding the accident in the bathroom, unless you have reason to believe that it was due to neglect (i.e. you have suspicions that she's not really *watching him* while she's watching him) then i would just let it go. accidents happen and i'm sure she feels bad enough about it.

for what it's worth, my MIL disregarded a request from me when my DD was only a few days old and i have never left her alone w/ the baby since. i mean not even for a second. i know it is harsh but i just think it is very rude to disregard a mother's request even if you raised children of your own (i don't buy the "and they turned out just fine" excuse) and i think that kind of disrespect merits drastic punishment.

[December27JJB]

I second that, I would definitely talk to her. I think its time to put your foot down. (Her comments may be hurtful and suck but I would focus on what she is doing to DS first.) Because of the blood part and the issue is only going to get worse. And her racist comments-- your DS is part Mexican as well and he doesnt need to hear things like that. Maybe you and DH need to sit down and talk about what steps to take next because 'telling her what to do or not to do' is obviously not working. Maybe let someone else babysit your DS if there is anyone? Limit the time you spend with her until she realizes she needs to get her act together?

[vjel]

I agree with what others have said. I would talk to her one more time about the food issue. Let her know that if she doesn't respect your wishes, you'll stop allowing her to babysit. What if your DS ends up having severe allergies to something she feeds him??? It's not worth the risk IMO!

Let her know that her racial slurs are bothersome to you and you'd appreciate it if she wouldn't make such comments. Who cares if you don't LOOK Mexican, you ARE. I'd be pretty insulted if someone knew my ethnic background and still continued to make off-handed comments about that particular ethnic group. This isn't the kind of thing you want your DS growing up hearing, YK?

good luck w/ your MIL!

[catmom]

I wouldn't let her babysit anymore. It's just too risky... what if she fed him some new food and didn't tell you, and then he had a reaction? You would have no way of knowing what was wrong or what he was reacting to. And this might get worse as he gets older and your MIL decides she doesn't have to follow your rules if she doesn't agree with them. It sounds from your post like you have already talked to her a number of times, and she's decided she just doesn't care what you want.
I feel badly for you... we are in a similair situation in that my MIL is never left alone with our baby. Fortunatley she lives far enough away from us that it hasn't come up yet, but I imagine thins may get unpleasant in the future. Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do!

[lml41981]

Basically my opinion is that if you're not comfortable using her as a babysitter, then you shouldn't use her. It doesn't matter what the reason is that makes you uncomfortable.

That said, I do find it disrespectful that she knows your reasons for abstaining from feeding DS certain foods and she does it anyway.

The cut finger is more of a childhood accident type thing that I'd be willing to let slide (so long as it wasn't severed or in need of medical attention or whatever!). Kids get hurt and it is impossible to watch them every single minute...they sneak off...it's part of having kids.

The racial slurs and thinly-veiled insults against you are another issue entirely unrelated to your parenting or her ability to function as a caregiver, I think. That isn't to say they shouldn't be addressed; they should, but I think your DH ought to tell her that insulting you is not acceptable. Maybe next time she makes a racist remark about Hispanic people, you could remind her that her grandson is part Hispanic.

[prudies]

I would not let her babysit. She sounds like she's got some weird issues towards you and baby. It sounds like a potentially dangerous situation.

[onomatopoeia]

1_mommy~ someone else mentioned that MIL just wants to spoil him, but I don't see how she's spoiling him by trying to feed him everything in the world. It's like, buy him toys if you wanna spoil him. ;)

Another lie I forgot to mention. One night we came home and I asked if DS had taken a bottle. He still takes a bottle before bed, but he doesn't sleep w/ it or anything. She said yes, but then when I looked there were no dirty bottles and they were all still set up like I do in our drying station. She has never once cleaned a bottle after using it. So, it made me wonder. Not that this incident is a big deal, but it proves to me that she does lie.

NewYorkNovia~ my MIL makes snide comments like, "I don't know how my kids lived to this age." Usually this comment is made after She asks ME what we are doing regarding food or babyproofing, then I tell her, then she makes comments that sort of make fun of me for being overprotective. Even if DH tells her what we are doing, she sort of brushes him off.


December27JJB~ My own mom hasn't babysat much. 2 times since DS was born. My mom lives 30 minutes away and she just had foot surgery so it will be a couple of months until she can come over, but after I told her all the problems we've been having w/ MIL, she says she will babysit as soon as she can. I trust my mom. She's actually a little overprotective, but I'd rather have that, than the way my MIL is acting.

vjel~Dh makes excuses for MIL. he says, maybe she forgot you were mexican, maybe she forgot you had a tattoo. But like I said, these things have been topics of discussion SO many times. Plus, she's only 60, in super good health - rides horses, hikes, etc. I don't see see having memory problems.

catmom~ how do I get Dh to see it's risky? He was upset when he caught her lying. He was upset when DS got hurt, etc. I told him the risks, like if she fed DS something, then she left, we came home, and then he had a reaction and we'd have no idea what she fed him. He has agreed, but when I say, maybe we shouldn't let her watch DS anymore, he sort of joked and said, "Oh should I tell her that someone from child protective services is going to watch her while she visits." He thinks I am being too rash. He keeps wanting to give her chance after chance, but we've been dealing with this for almost 6 months. Ever since we started him on rice cereal, she's been pushing over food.

lml41981~ I totally agree accidents happen. The thing that bothered me is that we keep the bathroom door shut ALL the time. She says she was in the bathroom w/ DS when the incident happened. But I don't see how that's possible. The vent is directly in front of the toilet, where she says she was sitting. And somehow DS was able to pick up the vent, take it out of the hole it's in (they aren't screwed down and we had no idea he knew how to pick them up but i always keep him away from them), then he had to have turned over the vent, and cut his finger. I just don't see that happening right in front of her face. I think she left the bathroom door open or something and wasn't watching him.
How do I tell her that I don't want her to babysit anymore? She used to babysit for us once a week, usually 3-5 hours so we could go out to dinner and run an errand or two. She always calls and asks when we need her again. I think DH thinks she will be upset if we don't use her anymore. And she'll know something is up.

[onomatopoeia]

Wanted to say: thank you so much for the replies. I have asked my friends w/out kids and they all agreed w/ me, but when I asked my friend w/ 2 little ones, she said that's just how grandmas are and sort of brushed me off. It's good to hear that there are people who understand what I am going thru here.

[jenji]

I don't have children, but I do have a DH and an MIL and DH has told his parents before we were even married, that this is our marriage and our family (When WE choose to have it), that we love them, but we make our decisions for a reason. they're welcome to give us input, but when we make a decision, they need to respect that and not try to go behind our backs or keep nagging us because they think it's not right

I'd say with as many times as you have explained to her your rules, have your DH (she is his mother after all) explain to her that you both are so glad she loves your DS so much and is such a great grandmother, but you are really worried because she HAS lied to you (she may not know that you know she's lied) and because she has repeatedly done exactly what you asked her not to. for those reasons you will not be asking her to care for DS anymore.
I'm sure her feelings will be hurt to some degree, but you two have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and your child's health is not worth that risk

I have friends who have had to do the same thing and it has taken a little while for the MIL to not feel so hurt by it, but now she actually does respect her son and DIL's decisions as PARENTS.
good luck

[hub1176]

I agree with everyone else - if you can't find anyone else to watch then don't go - clearly she doesn't have the respect for you as parents that she needs to. I had to comment on this:

my MIL makes snide comments like, "I don't know how my kids lived to this age." Usually this comment is made after She asks ME what we are doing regarding food or babyproofing, then I tell her, then she makes comments that sort of make fun of me for being overprotective. Even if DH tells her what we are doing, she sort of brushes him off.

This attitude is so common among older people - at my baby shower I had registered for babyproofing items and some of the younger moms purchased them for me -it started a debate among the older women at the shower about the necessity for the items and I actually heard "In my day we didn't need that stuff we just spanked them and said no!":eek: I also heard many times "I'm so surprised my kids lived past infancy without all this stuff":rolleyes: and "We actually watched our children so we didn't need to babyproof.." My attitude is that there is a reason these things were invented, children died and I'd like to be able to use the bathroom and know that my child is safe for the minute I'm in there and clearly if your child was able to cut his hand that badly when your MIL's back was turned her house is not as safe as it ahould be.

~~~~~stepping off soapbox~~~~~~:o

[TravelGirl]

In my opinion, (feel free to take it or leave it) the baby issues and the tattoo/racial issues are two separate issues and should be dealt with separately and at different times. If you try to deal with both at the same time, she'll likely miss both points entirely.

I'm a believer in being upfront and honest. BUT, I would try to be sensitive about it. She should not be ignoring your directions. You have them for good reasons. There is a world of difference in giving an infant frosting too young vs. feeding a 5 year old ice cream for breakfast. She may view them as the same, but they're not. I would not allow her to spend time with him alone until he's much older and can fend for himself. It is not worth putting his health at risk. I understand how much of a huge inconvenience and cost issue getting a babysitter is but I think it is worth it.

Next time she calls and offers have your husband talk to her and explain why in a way that is factual and not in a way that may seem to intentionally hurt her feelings. If she asks, have concrete examples ready to provide her. She'll act hurt and get defensive. She'll probably lie and make up excuses. Let her vent but stand firm. Tell her she is more than welcome to spend time with him when you are home but not alone until he's older. You've given her fair warning by talking to her about these issues before. Now its too late. I would be absolutely furious.

Good luck. Keeping up family relations can be exhausting.

[Natasha]

Ugh, poop on your DH for not backing you up. Yes, it's his mom, but you guys gotta have a united front on this! Maybe he doesn't realize how important this is for you? To appease him, as well, maybe tell her "Look, I don't want this or this to happen again. If it does, we will no longer be using you as a caregiver. We love you, but you need to respect our decisions as parents, period." Instead of just pulling the rug out from underneath her, give her a bit of warning... JMHO

[SuzetteW]

1. I would print out a list of possible side effects that can come from food allergies and give it to her. Tell her that because you don't know what DS might or might not be allergic to, you'd only like for her to feed him things that you have tried at home first. It's a safety issue, not a personal one and she needs to realize that. If she can't respect that you guys are the parents, then she should be cut off from any unsupervised babysitting.

2. I think it is totally natural to raise an eyebrow at any accident that happens when your child is in someone else's care. However, it was likely just an accident. I hope your son's finger is ok. I know we mamas don't like to see our babies in any kind of pain.

3. Racial slurs? WTF? I do agree with lml though, have your husband address that issue with her. He needs to tell her that while it might be hard for her to believe that you have any Hispanic blood in you, it is true and she has to respect that. As far as the tattoo question... I would answer, "No, I think a tattoo can be cute if it's nothing distasteful, you shouldn't knock it until you try it ;-)".

My MIL can be a PITA at times too but I have learned to vent and either let it go or have my husband address issues with her. That, or I am moving us(DH, DS & I) to Alaska.

[JuliaK]

How do I tell her that I don't want her to babysit anymore? She used to babysit for us once a week, usually 3-5 hours so we could go out to dinner and run an errand or two

My MIL was the same way with the lying, feeding no-no foods, etc... DS is 2 1/2 and she's only babysat 3x's because it was absolutely necessary even though she used to live only 10 minutes away from us and wasn't working. When ever she would ask (more like beg) to babysit, I would tell her no because I thought it was too hard for her. Sure enough she would go on about how she has 3 kids and DS is no problem and then I would say the part about following our rules is what's too hard for her or I would say something like "DS must be too hard for you since you always seem to have to feed him junk or play hours worth of movies just to keep in happy even though we said absolutely positively no movies, and we left you food for him and told you to only give what we left." When I wanted to be extra evil, I would tell her that my mother would take the day off from work to watch DS and it was for the best because as a former nurse, she understands the dangers of feeding an 8 month old shrimp and ice cream and the correlation between too much tv and ADD. MIL still never really got it but she finally gave up asking. I guess watching DS wasn't important enough for her to change her ways.

As far as the tatoo comment, it sounds like a veiled insult to me but you'll probably never know. Same with the racial comments but those should be dealt with whether you are Mexican or not. Good Luck!!!!!

[Txfish]

Can I chime in late, and say -- I would not let the woman be alone with the child again. Period. I don't care how bad it makes family relations; it's not like they're great anyway with all the other garbage she lays on you. It's not worth potentially harming your child through allergic reaction or at very least allowing her a chance to undermine any authority you have as a parent.

I took dd out of a daycare that refused to listen to my instructions for feeding her breastmilk; why would you let anyone else have access to your child who is going to knowingly disobey your wishes? She's 4 now, and I still remove her from any situation where I know the person in charge is not adhering to my desired and expressed plan of action. Accidents happen, but intentionally disregarding my wishes when I've put her in your care is not okay. MIL is recently banned, but I don't want to load this thread up with why.

Good luck getting your dh to understand -- maybe try using examples from the same type of scenario, once your son gets older? Like say, what if we forbid him to drive because he broke curfew and got a ticket, but your mom thought it would be funny to let him take the car out anyway? Would that be ok? He's definitely got to be on your side, so I hope he gets it soon.

[MandyMaloo]

Hey there!

I am not a parent yet, but am TTC and am a very proud aunt.

I agree with the others...this woman should not be left alone with your child. While the lying incidents are small now, there's no telling what she may lie about down the road. I agree that children get hurt, dispite our best efforts to protect them, but the first call I would've made would've been to you and DH.

The racial slurs/tatoo comments are only adding to the discomfort with this situation. She doesn't respect you, and therefore shouldn't have the privilage of watching your son. Your DH should be a bit more helpful in this though.

My SIL has the same problem, but with her own mother. Her DH is amazing though and has no problem putting his foot down. Sometimes really putting your foot down is the only way for people to get it. If I were you, I'd find a trusted daycare or a family friend to take over the babysitting. There's no sense in leaving your child with someone you don't trust.

Good luck and you have a beautiful boy!! :)

[onomatopoeia]

Thanks for all the support.

Earlier I talked to Dh and told him how I had posted this and all the replies from all of you, sided w/ me.

He then said that he thinks I will find a problem w/ whomever we find to babysit.
Example: We had a 20 yr old woman babysitting, a friend of a friend. She's a college student studying elementary ed and has babysat for years. Many times she babysat after DS had gone to bed, so I told her she could use our computer if she wanted. One time when we got back, I saw in the browser she had to been a website *which will remain nameless* that's a sex site and another site that's for people to find other people to have sex w/.
So, I was upset. Dh acted like it was no big deal, but I am not into porn and things of that nature.

Then we had a lady that Dh works w/ babysitting Ds from time to time. She's a grandma, around 50-55, and really nice. Well, she started smoking again (after she had quit for a long time) and once I found out she started again, I didn't want DS going over there. SHe does only smoke outside, but it bothered me. I can't even go out to the bar anymore b/c I get sick when I am around smoke, so I don't know if DS will be allergic or prone to getting sick around it, too.

So, Dh thinks I am being paranoid. Based on what I have just told you, am I being overprotective??

I do go to a gym. They have a daycare there. I like all the ladies in the daycare and have no problem leaving DS there for 30-60 minutes while I go work out so it's not like I never leave DS's side.

It's not like we got out all that often. It's just in the last 3-4 months we've been trying to do a date night every week or every 2 weeks. We were in marriage counseling and things have gotten A LOT better between us when we take time for ourselves, sadly, we don't have any other family in town to watch DS (besideds my mom who can't right now) and I have made a couple of mommy friends, but they either work or are just superbusy and aren't able to watch him.

[bluebunny]

I don't think you're being overprotective at all. In the two situations that you've described (college student and older woman), I wouldn't have been happy with leaving my child with either. I would not approve of my computer being used in that manner and I, too, am super-sensitive to smoke and would not want my child around it. I think it is really hard to find reliable, trustworthy people to watch your child. I have a neighbor who has offered to keep my child and while I think she's nice and would likely do a good job, I'm just not comfortable with the idea until he's old enough to talk.

I know that having date nights is important for your marriage but maybe you could do a date night at home after your son is asleep? If it makes you feel any better, my DH and I have been out twice since our almost one year old was born. :o

[prudies]

No, you are not being overprotective.

Can I chime in late, and say -- I would not let the woman be alone with the child again. Period. I don't care how bad it makes family relations;

EXACTLY. Seriously, I usually say, hey, try and get along, but her behavior sounds dangerous. It's not so much the exact examples as the lying and underlying anger she seems to have towards you and her GS.

The other situations sound like flukes. Have you thought about asking one of the ladies from the gym to babysit? That's where I got 2 awesome babysitters. We go out all the time!

[hub1176]

No I don't think you're being overprotective.
It's not easy finding someone you trust to be with your child - obviously there will be differences in the way a sitter does things but main issues - Health and safety - should be the same. I would be disturbed that a soon to be educator is surfing a porn site, and I don't go to places where there is cigarette smoke with DD becuase I'm not going to ruin her health. I think there are great baby sitters out there - try to get referals from friends and neighbors, and do trial runs first.

Good luck!

[aprilshowers]

Could you plan your date nights for after DS goes to sleep and have your MIL come over your house? That way there is no food involved? I know that doesn't solve all the issues you mentioned with her but at least your son wouldn't be in any danger.

(PS Forgive me if this suggestion is completely ignorant - I don't have kids (yet) so have no idea if this kind of arrangement would work out!)

[Kates]

I don't think you are overreacting at all.

One thing that struck me reading your OP was that soon, your DS is going to understand the comments that MIL makes. Considering the underhanded, racist comments she already makes, I would be worried leaving DS unattended with her.

You mentioned that you made a few mommy friends, could they suggest or recommend a babysitter?

[onomatopoeia]

Aprilshowers~ actually I am considering that as an option - have her come over after DS is asleep. He goes to bed at 645-700PM and doesn't get up until 700AM. We'd go out for a late dinner, be home by 1000PM.

Kates~ My friends w/ kids all use their family to babysit. And I am worried, that eventually MIL's rude comments will be understood by DS. I can't really explain how she makes these comments, but it is VERY underhanded and almost always when we are alone... So, Dh doesn't get to hear what she says and it's never directed AT me.


prudies~ I feel stupid! That's a great idea to ask the women from the gym daycare! I will do that this week... I have never thought of it, but they are all so nice. Plus, one lady has a son the exact age of mine, same bday and everything. Thanks for the suggestion. :D

bluebunny~I don't wanna change the topic of the thread and I might start a new one, but what exactly could we do on date nights at home? I mean, we watch movies, eat dinner together, etc. Any good ideas?


Thanks again to everyone who replied!

[bluebunny]

I don't wanna change the topic of the thread and I might start a new one, but what exactly could we do on date nights at home? I mean, we watch movies, eat dinner together, etc. Any good ideas?


While it is wonderful to be able to go out without the baby, I think the most important thing is the quality time you spend together as a couple. I've been trying to figure out how to do that after baby is in bed. We're working on this as we haven't been very good about spending quality time alone since our child was born. I've thought about setting up dinner on the deck with candles as a nice, romantic setting. Or, instead of just renting a movie, go all out with popcorn, candy, etc. Another thing that I've thought about trying to do is socialize with other couples. For instance, having another couple over for a late dinner/coffee/dessert.

Also, a way to include baby in your plans is to go out to an early dinner with another family with a baby about your son's age. Last weekend, we made a "date" with another couple and their baby, who is a few months younger than ours. The six of us went out to dinner. We fed the babies and were able to chat and catch up in between taking care of them and eating. It was kindof fun to bond with another couple who also had a young child and knows what it's like to juggle eating out with a baby.

I hope I've helped a little. :)

[onomatopoeia]

bluebunny~ thanks for the advice.

UPDATE(sort of):I talked to DH and he thinks I need to be the one to stand up to MIL when she says things when DH isn't there. And I agree.

One day last week, She had asked what I was doing and I told her I was taking DS to a dropin daycare for a few hours b/c I had something to do. Immediately she jumped in offering to babysit, but then sort of back tracked and said she'd have to check her schedule. I was firm, but nice, and said that I had to be somewhere at X time, and it would just be easier for me to just drop DS off at this daycare and head to where I was going... in the past I have just let her make all the decisions, etc.

Then the next day she called and wanted to meet for lunch. Well, it was already noon and DS takes a nap at 1PM so I told her we couldn't and she was nice about it.

She just has one of these personalities were she takes charge and tells YOU what she's going to do, w/out consulting you. She's the kind of woman who is very assertive, sometimes pushy, and I think she sees me as passive and wimpy. Telling her no and her accepting it well, has given me more of a backbone. IF she ever says anything negative about my parenting decisions or any race again, I will confront her, but not meanly.

As far as babysitting... ugh. She keeps offering, like I mentioned. We just got a new SUV, so we aren't really rolling in dough to be going out every week to a dinner so that's our excuse to her for now.

She and her hubby are getting a 4 bedroom house (they're moving for a 2 bedroom apartment) and she's telling me about how she's going to have one room just for DS.. she's going to buy a crib, she's going to decorate it, etc etc. I don't know what to do! :confused: