It's the Last Straw! SIL just pisses me off!

[jnettie]

That's it! I'm done! She's a nice girl but she's a spoiled brat and I just can't deal with it anymore!

I just need to vent my feelings right now. It's DH's little sister, so I can only say so much to him. Here's the story.

My SIL is spoiled. Pure and simple. She's not a mean person, actually, she's very sweet, but she's spoiled and selfish. She is 20 years old and has ablsolutely no responsablities. DH's whole family enables her behavior and allows her to act in this way and I just don't get it.

First, the only time she's ever had a job is when, for once, her parents refuse to pay for something. Like, a trip to China last summer. got the job, raised the money, then quit. There is no idea of saving money for her future or taking on any bills or responsablities. She lives in the family house, like DH and I, but is not asked to contribute in any way. DH have a bill we take care of (the internet) and we give $ each month towards other expenses. Not SIL. Maybe she doesn't need to pay rent yet, but she lives here totally free! She's not even required to do the dishes or clean the bathroom! She doesn't even pay for her own cell phone! Her uncle does!

Over the summer, she did finally have a job. What did she do with that money? Well, she went to Florida with her friends, then bought her boyfriend a PSP! She has never ever ever ever ever gotten anyone in her family a gift with her own money ever! DH and I alone have gotten her LOTS of really nice gifts and she's gotten us NOTHING! In fact, it was her boyfriend that bought us a wedding gift, not her! So, I have to say, I know that even DH was insulted when she bought her boyfriend a $350 gift!

And today, I was officially done with her. SIL bought a new mattress for her room. I have to say, I'm at least happy that the family wouldn't buy it for her. But, what kind of mattress do you ask? A $558 mattress! She spent $558 on a mattress! I cannot believe she was allowed to do this without family getting on her for spending too much money! DH and I are using a used mattress that was here when we moved in! Where does she get off getting a $558 mattress! And I have to deal with the headaches of shipping because I, stupidly, payed for the damn thing with my Paypal! ARGHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! :mad: :mad: :mad:

That's it. I'm done. I am just so sick of her being allowed to have no responsabliites and no sense of money. I am sick of being there for her and having her just step on any help I give. That's it. I am so incredibly pissed off right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bethnjim]

What is family?? Do you live with your husband's family?? Are you giving your SIL money?? If not, then she just sounds really immature and hopefully she will mature. NOt your job to make that happen. If her family is fine with it...then just ignore her immaturity

[shopaholic]

I am confused. You are upset because she doesn't have a job/responsibilities/etc, yet you are paying for the mattress with your paypal account?

[IrisHope]

Jnettie, she definitely sounds like she was never given any guidance with money. While $550 is a lot of money for a mattress I think your underlying anger stems from you two feeling like she is treated 'nicer'. It sounds like her parents are to blame.

[wendalah]

When I was 20 I was probably just as bad. Is she in school? I know that was pretty much my only expected responsibility when I was 20. I did have jobs during the summer to make spending money but my parents took care of everything else.

[Kristen78]

Am I the only one that thinks $558 for a mattress is cheap if not reasonable?? We'll probably pay $1300+ for our next mattress. so $558 seems low. Then again I dont know what size mattress it is.

It would be nice if your SIL had a job and some responsibilities, but it sounds like she doesn't. If you dont like it why don't you move out? It sucks but you really don't have a say in how her family treats her. I would get my own place if I were you and your DH.

[shopaholic]

Am I the only one that thinks $558 for a mattress is cheap if not reasonable?? We'll probably pay $1300+ for our next mattress. so $558 seems low. Then again I dont know what size mattress it is.


Didn't want to go too off topic but I thought the same thing. Size does make a difference but my mattress was well over $1000

[justHB]

Am I the only one that thinks $558 for a mattress is cheap if not reasonable?? We'll probably pay $1300+ for our next mattress. so $558 seems low. Then again I dont know what size mattress it is.

It would be nice if your SIL had a job and some responsibilities, but it sounds like she doesn't. If you dont like it why don't you move out? It sucks but you really don't have a say in how her family treats her. I would get my own place if I were you and your DH.Nope, you're not the only one. Our mattress was $1500+ (dear lord, what a wonderful investment!). And I agree also ... if you're sick of seeing her mom/dad treat her this way, move out.

[IrisHope]

The mattress alone without anything else? Maybe I"m just out of touch since I haven't purchased a bed in a while.

[wendalah]

I didn't want to be harsh but since a few others have posted the same thing--I agree that if you don't like how his parents treat SIL, you do have the option of not living there. I don't think they are treating her any better than you and your hubby--they are being nice enough to let you live there rent-free with what sounds like voluntary donations toward household expenses. That's a generous arrangement, IMO. And SIL isn't even 21 yet. She doesn't sound too different from a lot of kids who live at home while attending college.

[Kristen78]

IrisHope - a King sized mattress that is a decent brand (Sealy, Simmons, etc...) is at least $1250 or so. That includes the mattress plus box springs. No headboard/footboard etc. I would say a Queen mattress is around $1000. Full size is a bit less and then there is a twin size.

[LindsaySD]

I have to agree with everyone else. I lived at home for free until I was 22...and that's only because I got married. My parents bought all of my cars, paid my insurance, everything. I don't think it's uncommon for 20 yr.olds to be treated this way.

[southhavenjen]

I agree that $558 is not that much for a mattress. I paid over $600 for mine - that was over 6 years ago and it was one of the cheapest ones in the store.

[sea74]

I guess you could count me in for the expensive mattress. Our new king was $2,500! But with back issues, it was SO WORTH IT.

On the other hand, unless YOU are giving your SIL $$$, it's not really your call how she spends her money. And I can see how it's hurtfull to you and your DH that she can spend $$$ on a boyfriend, but not for her bother's wedding. That would have hurt me, too. My advice on that is to really cut down on the amount of $$$ you spend on her at gift time, or just give her a card. Or, you could just give as you feel you should and hope she grows up on her own.

good luck :)

[kam]

I have to agree with the others. Does it sound like she's spoiled? Sure, but that is most 20 year olds. I had responsibility at that age since if I quit my job, I didn't go to college as it was part of my financial aid, but my parents weren't about to let me go hungry either at that age. If my parents didn't pay for it, I found a way to pay for it via job. If I could've had a free ride, I would've taken it!

(and our mattress was $2k for a king - I could see how a twin/double would be $500)

[kindermom]

Your ILs sound like they want to take care of their family. Yes, your SIL may be an irresponsible 20 year old. And yes, she may not give a thought to her future. But she is still 20. If she was 50 something like my aunt-in-law who is handed way too much, I would understand the resentment a little more. Take a deep breathe. Remember that you too are living rent-free in NYC. That you are able to keep your bills down as well. You and your husband could make the same decisions as your SIL but you are both more mature. That is something that you should be proud of. Maybe when you get frustrated or resentful, you can refocus your energies on the positive aspects of the situation. Just a thought.

[ktsb]

I'm going to have to agree with others here.

First let me say I'm sure this is irritating and I would probably be slightly bothered by it but I would probably "get over it" iby asking myself why it's effecting me so?

It's not about you and you aren't out any money. Her time will come. You just take care of you. :)

[ysolde]

Didn't want to go too off topic but I thought the same thing. Size does make a difference but my mattress was well over $1000

We got a really great mattress, on sale, for just under $1000. And it was the bargain if the century, let me tell you.

[jnettie]

Wow, this got off topic!

Ok, more calm now. I can fill you in.

As for mattresses...the last one I bought personally was a $200 futon, frame included. Since then, I've had second had ones. So, to me $558 is alot.

As for the living situation...this is how it works. We live in a house with DH's inlaws. This was after living on my own for years and years and then DH and I rented an apartment together for 2 years. It was an agreement. We pay $400/month toward expenses on the house, we can live here. We also have our own bills we take care of and one household bill. Other family memebers here include 2 uncles, an aunt, grandpa, and SIL.

My irritation comes in here. DH has worked since he was 14 and his parents really paid for nothing for him. The fact that they paid for college tuition is still heald over his head. Once in college, he had to fend for himself. So, I'm irritated with the double standard there. DH always had to, and still has to, not only take care of himself, but he's also expected to pitch in with family stuff, as am I. SIL can pretty much do what she wants.

Yes, SIL is in school right now. To me, you start giving over responsablities while you are in college. My parents wouldn't pay for anything but dorm expenses. I had to pay for my phone, food, and fun stuff, etc. That was right off the bat.

None of this really bothered me until recently. And I realize I'm irrational here in many ways, and frankly, it isn't really my problem at all. But I got so insulted when she bought that present for her boyfriend. Not even just because DH and I have never even gotten a card from her, but no one in the family has ever recieved a gift from her. Even when she had a job she'd always "forget" her wallet and get someone to buy something for her. DH is always buying her things. So, it was a slap in the face.

The mattress itself she got off ebay. I kept saying it's a bad idea to something that large off ebay. She did it anyway. So she's bid and won, but, her paypal account won't work. Can she use mine and promise to give me a check? I say yes. Do I have a check yet? No. Did I have a trucking company call me today to arrange for delivery because now my name is on the invoice? Yes. Am I the one having to deal with this now? Yes. My fault, yes. But it's the same old thing. Getting other people to do things for her and not taking any responsablity.

Yes, her parents let her get away with this and seem not to have any problem with it. But I gotta hear about every penny DH and I spend. Everything we get has be justified. Oh, you paid too much for this or that.

Look, I know it's not really my problem, and I really need to get over it, but I just needed to get it out of my system. I typed the OP right after speaking with the trucking company, so I was pretty steamed and irrational. I'm more worried that I'll say something snarky to SIL. I see the girl every day. And, I do see it as an overall problem I have with DH's family. They really enable slackers. I worry, too, that she'll graduate from college and just kinda sit on her butt and let people take care of her. No one will push her to get a job. No one has taught her the value of saving money. she didn't like her job, so she quit. Besides, what does she need a job for?

[wendalah]

Other family memebers here include 2 uncles, an aunt, grandpa, and SIL.


Erk...I don't mean to be rude--but I would find that situation in itself untenable.

Is there any way you can move out?

[ejs]

I don't think you can expect your ILs to raise their daughter the same way you were raised. If her parents don't expect her to pay, that's between them.

You're DH is choosing to give his sister gifts, even though she doesn't give him any. Gift giving isn't supposed to be tit-for-tat.

You said that your ILs comment on every penny you spend. How do they know what you and DH spend? My ILs have no idea how much money comes into our home or how much goes out, and I don't think it's because we don't live with them.

I'm still not clear why you and your DH chose to enter into this living arrangement. It just sounds like a situation that would lead to problems.

[lml41981]

I would never live in a "family home" with anyone other than my immediate family - meaning DH and me with our children. Obviously if there were an emergency situation, I'd let a family member crash with us, but it wouldn't be a residential situation.

As far as what SIL does with her money...that's really none of your business. What is your business is what you and DH do with your money. If you think she's irresponsible, don't help her out. She sounds like the kind of person who is fine with not taking responsibility for herself as long as others will take care of her.

As far as gift-giving...it sounds like you resent giving her gifts because she never gives gifts. A gift given with resentment is not a gift. Gifts should be given from the heart, not out of the expectation of something in return.

[ysolde]

Bad living situation. I would get out of there asap!

I know what you mean about her family enabling her slacking, but life will kick her in the ass sooner or later.

[mrsfromage]

I have to join the others who say it's not that expensive for a mattress, at least not for a queen sized one...

And it's hard to complain too much while you too are living rent free. It's your inlaws' choice how they spend their money...if it bothers you to see it, you can choose to move out. I personally would have a very hard time living with family because obviously you have to put up with everybody's quirks.

[smartgrrl]

Hi - so sorry to hear your sister in law is annoying you. I don't mean to sound like a jack ass, but if a family is kind enough to let me stay in their home and only pay for internet and "other expenses", I probably wouldn't care what the sister did - it's not my business. Besides, she is only 20. Frankly, I don't know many 20 year-olds who have that much responsibility when it comes to saving and, well, life in general. Try to chill out or get a hobby, it will distract you from all the silly things going on around you. Good day!

[Kristen78]

I agree with everyone else. Move out! Then you don't have to deal with all these other people's behaviors. Seems like an easy answer. You'll probably be alot happier.

I also agree with a previous post abut why does your DH's family know how much money you spend? Thats really none of their business.

[suzubeane]

Are there cultural differences between you and your husband's family? I ask this because I personally would not like living with all those extended family members, but I used to be married to a native Italian, and I know he would not blink an eye. Also, some cultures still treat their daughters much differently than they treat their sons. The idea is that she's expected to marry someone who will take care of her, so she does not need to be taught about money. Not saying it's fair, or even a good idea, but there it is.

I assume you're living there to save money, right? Because even the money you're contributing is probably 1/2 to 1/3 of what you'd pay if you had to pay rent somewhere else.

Furthermore, you already knew it's ill-advised to let someone "borrow" your PayPal account after they've proven to you that they will get out of paying whenever possible.

Honestly, I see you're upset and venting, but this is one of those cases where you'll be a lot happier if you change your expectations. Everyone in this scenario has already shown you again and again how they're going to behave; for your own peace of mind … expect that from them!

[KB57]

jnettie--
I can relate a little...I don't live w my IL's but my BIL -whom I love dearly, he is really a great person- is 22, doesn't have a job, he does go to college, IL's pay his tuition, he comes and goes as he pleases. DH has been working since he's 14, paid his own tuition, bought all of his own cars, always helped out around the house doing chores and favors for his parents which he continues to do when he can- even though we're married and we live about 15 mins away from them. My BIL doesn't have his license so my DH even picks him up and drops him off at school-it's on his way to work so it's really not out of the way.

Do my IL's and my DH enable this kind of lifestyle for him? Yes. Do I let it bother me? No. My IL's have been very generous to us over the years and still are and I feel like one hand washes the other when it comes to this. It doesn't interfere with my life or my schedule so I really don't think about it.

The way I see it, I feel sorry for people like your SIL and my BIL bc who would want to depend on others to take care of them? Personally, working for my money and doing what I want with it is the best feeling-I would never want to worry about who was going to drive me somewhere or who was going to pay for my next meal. I don't expect that from people. DH and I are very self-sufficient and I think in that way he and his brother are polar opposites so his parents feel like they need to "help" my BIL bc he is so NOT self-sufficient. I'm not saying its right but thats the way it is. I hope that made sense??

[kindermom]

jnettie - It stinks that there is such a a double standard. I completely understand your need to vent and how it can be really frustrating to watch the double standard play out. Without going in to detail, I have experienced that type of double standard to a much lesser degree. It is frustrating. It is depressing. But mostly it ticks me off. You and your DH need to stop enabling your SIL. Stop giving her presents unless it is an appropriate time (i.e, a holiday). Even then keep it reasonable or do not give one at all. If she does not have her wallet with her, do not pay for her. If she can not arrange for her own Ebay auctions, do not help her. She can just lose the auction by default. You will need to balance being firm while living in the family home. As PPs said, you and your DH may need to revisit having your own place. Final thought, no matter what you do, make sure you and your DH are in agreement.

Good luck! And again, your situation really does stink.

[Marie]

jnettie - It stinks that there is such a a double standard. I completely understand your need to vent and how it can be really frustrating to watch the double standard play out. Without going in to detail, I have experienced that type of double standard to a much lesser degree. It is frustrating. It is depressing. But mostly it ticks me off. You and your DH need to stop enabling your SIL. Stop giving her presents unless it is an appropriate time (i.e, a holiday). Even then keep it reasonable or do not give one at all. If she does not have her wallet with her, do not pay for her. If she can not arrange for her own Ebay auctions, do not help her. She can just lose the auction by default. You will need to balance being firm while living in the family home. As PPs said, you and your DH may need to revisit having your own place. Final thought, no matter what you do, make sure you and your DH are in agreement.

Good luck! And again, your situation really does stink.

Totally agree!

Also, can you move out? Some distance from the situation would make it much easier to deal with. I just got bummed that my SIL was moving back into the state - cannot imagine living under the same roof!

[ManteoChik]

When I was 20 I was probably just as bad. Is she in school? I know that was pretty much my only expected responsibility when I was 20. I did have jobs during the summer to make spending money but my parents took care of everything else.

I would agree that while most young people are that way, I would have to disagree that it's more with the way you are treated when you are that age.

I'm 20 and boyfriend is 23. We've been dating for almost 6 years now and we moved from NC (where all of our family is) to FL to finish up our last year of school. We live together, we pay all of the bills on our rental house, cars, and everything that goes along with living on your own. I haven't asked my parents for money since I was in high school and he is the same way. It's not that they don't offer it because they do, however, I would rather do things for myself. We both go to a different school and have jobs, his job allows us to live the way we do while my job is simply extra money. I watch how much I spend because I know what it means to be responisble with your money. I was treated with responsibility by my parents. I made the decision to get a job when I was in high school and pay for my own things, but also taught me how to be responsible with my money. I think it's all how you are treated and taught growing up.

I can totally relate to what you are going through. BF's older sister is 30 and still lives at home. Their parents pay for everything for her. Her car, her bills, money to go out with. She has a job but she spends all of her money going to the bars to hang out with her friends. It drives me crazy because BF is 7 years younger than her and has been buying his own cars, planes, and everything else he has wanted since he was in high school. It drives us both crazy that she is still living at home and they pay for everything. He has tried to tell his parents that they need to just tell her its time to get out on her own but his mother just won't do it. She had a boyfriend that she lived with for about 5 years but he would get married so they broke up and she moved back home. Even when she lived with her boyfriend they still went to her parents house every night for dinner and to get money to go out.

I do agree thought that it seems like they are treating her like their little girl which most parents would. However, you and your DH are married and have the option to move into a place of your own (just like SIL but its different to parents when you are younger and in college). I think that maybe if it bothers you that much you shold look into finding a place of your own.

[bensgirl1222]

I'm 22, live at home and only have to pay for my car & credit card bills. My mom pays my cell phone bill and everything else.

I do, however, have a job and I am responsible.

Maybe she is spoiled but she is still a kid.

I hope everything works out.

ETA--I meant to say, thats not reason to hate on her and be done with her. Its not her fault. Its the way she was raised.

[October2002Bride]

Hmmm She is spoiled. I dont agree with spoiling your kids that way to me once you are 20 or more you should be responsible enough for yourself unless you are still in school but that should end once you graduate. You should pay for your own personal expenses at least. Its important to show your kids reposibility in my opinion.

On the other hand we have the extremw which is what I lived. My dad was done with me techinically once I graduated the day I graduate high school he threw me a huge party at a hotel with a view of the city which I didnt ask for it was really for him his daughter had graduated and he was proud, I wanted a car and to spend the day with my boyfriend and my friends.

The next day he told me that his "responsibility" was over with me he had paid for everything that I ever needed up until that day even for private school. He said I can certainly live there and eat there but I needed to get a job and go to school on my own. He took me to get enrolled in college etc butI could afford full time even with grants and what not. That was it! I found a job and went to college and paid for it myself. It was hard and I did have alot of issues with my dad because of that. I think he was overly harsh and expected to much from a 19 year old. The rest of my family pretty much agreed with him so I didnt have much of a choice. It was hard times for me but finally when I was ready I moved out and have been on my own since. My dad never ever has given me a dime except a wedding gift.

Do I still have issues with him?Yes, but I also thank him since I think it made me into a the person I am now. I think that parents are spoiling their kids now a days I see it with my husbands nephews those poor kids have been handed everything one is 22 and they are so lost! especially since now their parents cannot afford to give them anymore since they have run out of money lost their business and well are in dire straights. THE KIDS still demand money even when they see they dont have any and still expect for their parents to pay for eveything?? In their minds thats the way it is they have never known any different, never beent taught the value of money in part I guess its not really their fault for not understanding.

The other side of me say "Get a job for God's sake! you are 22!" But the kids dont? What does my SIL do? pay for it with her CC now she is up to her ears in debt! Its just crazy!!!

But I dont dwell on it. Its none of my business anyway and luckily I dont live with them. Oh God I couldnt I just couldnt live with any family member for that matter!!! And neither could my Hubby. We rather pay our rent then save by living with them.

Anyway, like the other have said just get over it stop indulging her and let her be its really ultimately her's and your inlaw's problem.

And 558 for a mattress isnt that much altough Id never ever buy a mattress from Ebay, who knows where that mattress has been and does it have a gaurantee?? Anyway still not our business. But Sleepy's and even Macy;s has huge sales on mattresses good ones!! I always buy my mattresses from them and always at a good buy they are an investment.

[suzubeane]

Its not her fault. Its the way she was raised.Um ... it's not her fault that she can't look around and see other people her age who have taken on more responsibility? I agree that the parents set the stage for all this, but at some point we can assume that she knows people outside her own family.

bensgirl, I think that "responsible" is a relative term. In my opinoion, a 22 year old living at home (unless perhaps she is a full-time student, and even then) would be responsible if she paid her own cell phone bill and maybe kicked in some grocery money.

It's easy to forget that parents might be making sacrifices so that their kids can spend their own money as they choose. My 16 year-old asked me for $30.00 to go to lunch with some friends; I gave him $20.00 and expected change. My husband and I haven't been out to dinner in over a year because we don't feel like we have the disposable income. I'm certainly going to think twice before giving my kid money to do something I have passed on myself.

[October2002Bride]

Suzubeane

I agree with you a 20 year old or a 22 year old is not a kid anymore, its an adult! and if they are a full time student then yes ok the parents can have them still live with them and feed them if they can afford it. But once they graduate that should be it no? They should pay for their own expenses if still in school.

Alot of people struggling to raise their children so expecting them to continue to pay for everything while they are adults etc is kind of crazy!

If you can afford it and choose to spoil your kid that way then well you'll have to probably deal with that later. Hopefully your kid will becomea responsible person with his or her money and will be able to make enough money on their own to continue to live the way they were raised.

In my nephews case, they were raised with everything expensive schools, new cars every year, new pools in their home every summer(they didnt take car of the pools they had during the winter so every summer they had to purchase a new one :rolleyes: . Now the parents dont have a pot to piss on! and the kids dont get it!!!! They dont know any other way of life and well my SIL instead of putting her foot down is getting her self into huge debt because she wants to keep her kids happy.

but I cant dwell on it we have tried to help they dont change or listen so we have to let it go and wish them well.

The way I see it if Julia goes to college and she wants to stay home she can I wont deny my daughter food and shelter. If she wants to go away to school and I can pay for it and she shows me she appreciates my sacrifice and struggle in paying for her to go to school full time and lodging etc then I wont have any problem. But if she wants a cell phone designer clothes, go out with friends etc then she has to get that money herself with a job. Its just the right thing to do. And if she doenst make the most of my sending her to school gets bad grades just parties etc then Im taking her out and not paying for it.

If she doesnt want to go to college and or cant then she better get a job she can live with me until she feels ready to move out but Im not paying her cellphone bill or buying her a car etc etc.

Its just an idea anyway who knows what they future will bring but one thing I know for sure is I dont want a 24 year old living at home and me paying for his or her lifestyle. Im not rich and dont think I ever will be unless I win the lottery!

[southhavenjen]

In late junior high my parents started telling me they did not have the money to send me to college, so if I wanted to go, I either needed to work really hard and get good grades so I could get a scholarship, or I needed to find a way to pay for it myself, through loans or work or whatever. I was a good student, so it was a given that I needed to go to college, and I appreciated that I always knew it would be my own responsibility to pay for it. It was always in the back of my head during high school that I needed to keep my grades up so I could get a scholarship. I retook the ACT twice in an attempt to get the best score possible. Luckily, I was able to get a full-ride scholarship that also paid for books and for living expenses.

So I was pretty much on my own once I turned 18. I had always paid for my own car, insurance and repairs since the age of 16. That was a rule my parents had. The scholarship paid my school bills and there was enough leftover for modest living expenses during the school year. I always held a part-time job during the school year and a full-time job in the summers for pocket money and to pay my rent and living expenses in the summer.

I think I went home to live the summer between my freshman and sophomore years, and I lived there rent free and didn't have to kick in for food or anything like that. I could have done that each summer but I chose to continue to live on my own the other 2 summers.

I am glad my parents didn't indulge me with everything. You don't say if your SIL is in college, but she does sound very immature but I don't think it's all that unusual for parents these days to indulge their young adult children, particularly if they are in school. I'm not saying it's right, but I think it's very common.

[hockeybrat]

jnettie - Is your SIL the youngest? The reason why I asked is that it might be an Asian thing. My brother is the baby and he is 31 yo. My parents have not kicked him out of the house nor have they asked that he pay rent. I thought that it was because he is the boy but maybe it has to do with the fact that he is the youngest (like your situation) and because I am the oldest, I am supposed to be the responsible one.

I've tried to hint to my parents that what they are doing is a detriment to my brother. But my mom won't hear of it (my dad just goes along with it because of my mom). I swear she still has my brother attached to an umbilical cord (but that is another story) ;)

I do agree with the others about moving out. It might be the best thing for you.

[Hangin'in]

I'm sorry that you feel slighted by SIL. You can't change how her family treats her, they will do what they want. You can change what you do for her (with DH). I would stop giving her big dollar gifts. I would stop expecting a gift in return. I would stop paying her share of anything... if she is stuck at a restaurant with a bill, and she doesn't have the money to pay... that is her problem. Someone else may cover her, but you don't have to be the one to do it. If her paypal account doesn't work, that's her problem. You allowing her to buy this mattress with your paypal account doesn't teach her how to figure it out on her own. Paypal accounts can be fixed, and she could have emailed the seller and let that person know her paypal account is messed up. Paypal will tell you ~how long it will be before it will be fixed, and then it would have been between her and the seller. If she hasn't given you a check, and you have covered the cost plus shipping, the mattress is technically yours. DO NOT GIVE IT TO HER UNTIL YOU HAVE CASH IN YOUR HAND (not a check that could bounce.). If she is unhappy with the situation... well, tough shit. If she doesn't take care of the money issue with you... well you've got yourself a new mattress.... maybe you can give her the one you've been sleeping on.

I understand that sometimes you can't really afford to move out on your own, but if you can, then I would move. If money is tight, and you are trying to save up for a place of your own, then put some distance between you and SIL. Don't discuss your financial issues with others.

Remember, you aren't responsible for SIL's actions. If she doesn't grow up and depend's on someone to take care of her... that's her issue.

FWIW... DH and I are getting a new mattress when we move into our new home. It retails for $3200 (mattress/box springs). I've always had cheaper mattresses, but my back and general health makes a top quality mattress a very big priority now, right behind the fridge, washer and dryer!

[Myra]

My irritation comes in here. DH has worked since he was 14 and his parents really paid for nothing for him. The fact that they paid for college tuition is still heald over his head. Once in college, he had to fend for himself. So, I'm irritated with the double standard there. DH always had to, and still has to, not only take care of himself, but he's also expected to pitch in with family stuff, as am I. SIL can pretty much do what she wants.



I don't think it's necessarily a double standard. Incomes and finances change. There are 11 years between the oldest and the youngest in my family, so my parents were, for example, 11 years futher ahead in the their jobs between the time the oldest and the youndest went to college. They had more money, so my baby sister could have things like a used car and nice trips. They would have like to give my older sister these things but they couldn't. Your in-laws' financial situation has probably evolved as well, from the time your husband was younger.

She really does not sound spoiled to me. People have different parenting philosophies but I know that my parents thought a college education should be my priority at age 20. While in college I never contributed to household expenses, but I had a job to pay for personal expenses. Are your in-laws' financially strapped, or is it just about the sister making a symbolic contribution?

It is, and should be, a different story when you're older, married, and working, as you and your husband are.

[Sin Nombre]

Yes, her parents let her get away with this and seem not to have any problem with it. But I gotta hear about every penny DH and I spend. Everything we get has be justified. Oh, you paid too much for this or that.

I suspect this might be the real source of your anxiety, and this is something you can change. Regardless of whether you are living with your ILs extended family for financial reasons or simply out of preference, it is CRITICAL that you establish boundaries regarding what you share with them and what you keep private.

When I was 20, both my parents and myself considered school to BE my job, so I didn't contribute anything to the household (or my own extra expenses), either. They made it clear that college, and any attendent expenses were on them; Grad school, if I chose to go, would be my responsibility.

Frankly, I don't think your SIL is acting very differently than many other 20-year-olds.

[Hangin'in]

one more thing... even though it is not PC, there may still be the old fashioned expectations. You make a boy a man by making him take care of himself, and alot of people still think that a man should take care of his wife. Since SIL is not married, it's possible that her family believes that it's their responsibilty to take care of SIL until she gets married.

My parents *took care* of me until I got married. I didn't pay for my car, insurance, college, sorority dues, etc. The trade off was that they were responsible for me until I graduated from college.... etc. But if I chose to get married, then it was our responsibility to take care of all our expenses.

Since I have been on my own, I have moved back in with my parents a few times. They wouldn't take my money for rent, groceries, utilities... anything that was a part of their home. People are raised differently! My dad is an alcoholic... everyone in my family enables him, except for me. I won't go bail him out of jail, I won't go with my mother when she goes to bail him out of jail. I won't tell him it's ok when he does stupid things while drunk. Doesn't make the situation any better by my staying out of it because there is always someone to take care of things. I can say that I am not contributing to the codependancy, and I'm taking care of myself. Sometimes that means I am not available to my family, emotionally, financially, physically. At first they were upset that I was rocking the boat, but I didn't allow myself to be guilted into the situation, but I explained my position. They didn't like it, but after they realized I was serious, they started to respect my decision. Of course my dad turns that around and tries to convince others that I don't love him... but that's his issue!

[Lil_Mrs_0702]

I'm sorry that you are so frustrated. I think the hardest part of living w/ a different family is the different parenting styles.
She may be spoiled. I am still spoiled. My parent's philosophy is 'Being an adult sucks, why would I want to put that on my kids?' They want to give us every advantage they can to excel in life, so they put us through college, pay our bills, and let us live at home for free. It encourages us to stay in school, which is a HUGE priority for my parents.
Each person has different priorities and goals for their children. Some want to teach them responsibility, so they can go out and do it on their own, some what the child to explore and do only what makes them happy, others don't care- just get the heck out of my house when you turn 18.
It sounds like they want to give all of you every chance they can in life. Do you know how lucky you are for them to let both you and your husband in their house, whatever the reason? It sounds like you and your husband have put a lot of pressure on yourselves to be prudent and save $$. Maybe your IL asking you about your spending is a way for them to show their support for your goals. They see that you are watching your $$$ and they want to help.

Just another point of view.

[ysolde]

I suspect this might be the real source of your anxiety, and this is something you can change. Regardless of whether you are living with your ILs extended family for financial reasons or simply out of preference, it is CRITICAL that you establish boundaries regarding what you share with them and what you keep private.

When I was 20, both my parents and myself considered school to BE my job, so I didn't contribute anything to the household (or my own extra expenses), either. They made it clear that college, and any attendent expenses were on them; Grad school, if I chose to go, would be my responsibility.

Frankly, I don't think your SIL is acting very differently than many other 20-year-olds.


Yup. I think the lack of boundaries in your living situation is the real problem here. You need to sit down with your DH and explain to him that it is NOT acceptable to have to justify your expenses to your ILs. Your finances are private, and they are not to be shared with anyone. If they ask, "How much did this cost?" smile and say, "Why do you ask?" then move on. Do not ever get int a conversation with you ILs about your finances again. And do not ever pay for anything your SIL buys again -- not presents for third parties, nothing on your PayPal account, nothing. The end.

Yes, when I was in college, my parents made it abundantly clear to me that being in school and getting good grades was my "job". I had jobs every summer, to get experience. They were good jobs in terms of experience, but they paid very little. I would go home every summer, and my parents never expected me to pay for anything. The money I made was "fun" money -- for movies, going out to eat with friends, and the like.

[QueenofCA]

I just want to say to the OP that I feel your pain! We don't live with my IL's, but his youngest sister is horribly spoiled. She's the baby of the family. She's 18, has never worked a day in her life for anything (in the house or anywhere else), got a nose job last Christmas because she felt like she wanted one (at 17!!!!!!), and has an attitude and a mouth on her unlike anything I've seen before. She throws fits if she doesn't get her way, swears at her parents and calls them nasty names, and is just a typical L.A. spoiled princess brat. She has no concept of responsibility and she thinks that the world owes her and that her parents owe her. She is enrolled half-time at a community college, and then watches TV or sleeps the rest of the day. Her parents give her money for whatever she wants and still buy her all her clothes, shoes, etc.

I come from the extreme opposite place. I started working when I was 16...literally the day after my 16th birthday. I worked three jobs at the same time in college because I put myself through. Yup, it was hard, but I know that I have succeeded because of *me*, not because I put my hand out all the time to Mommy and Daddy.

I think that most of it with my SIL is cultural. Women in my DH's culture are not really expected to work, since that is the job of the husband. Why bother getting work experience when you are young if you'll just go straight from your parents' house to your husband's house? Frankly, I think a lot of the men are intimidated by a woman who has accomplished a lot on her own, and therefore that *could* make her less desirable as a wife. I know, its crazy, but that's how they think. My IL's are very conscious of protecting their daughters' images, because in their culture that kind of thing is very important. It would also reflect badly on them if other people saw that they couldn't afford to "take care" of their daughters in what they consider to be the proper way.

Sorry to hijack your thread, but I know how frustrating it is. ((((HUGS))))

[wendalah]

The one thing I can't figure out (sorry if this is going off track?)--why on earth is SIL buying her own mattress when it seems her parents are buying everything else for her? A mattress isn't like buying a fun gift for your boyfriend or a new pair of jeans or other things 20-year-olds like to buy. At 20 I'd be far more inclined to whine to my parents about my crappy mattress rather than buy one myself. If I even thought about my crappy mattress at all.

[onomatopoeia]

jnettie

I haven't read everyone's replies (and I'm sorry I'm coming in so late) but I would feel just like you do.

For one thing, I have been on my own since I was 18. I lived in my own place, worked full time and went to school full time. I wasn't one of those college students who works 10 hours a week or something. Thankfully my company was open from 8am to 1030PM mon-friday and on Saturday morning so I could get my full time hours in AND get my full class load done, too. When I hear about people who live with mommy and daddy and get everything done for them, yea, I might get a little jealous, but then I realize that working and going to school taught me A LOT about scheduling and responsibilty.. I didn't have time to go out drinking or partying, I was too busy. So, it kept me out of trouble.

My parents did help me some - I am not going to say they didn't....

Anyway, I would say get out of that house! why be around your inlaws if you don't have to be??

Also, if she's not going to give your Dh presents/gifts for his bdays, then don't give her crap for hers... My Dh doesn't give his silbings gifts for their bdays, just a card and they give the same back to him. When people get older and distance seperates them, it gets harder to give gifts. We do send gifts to Dh's nieces and nephews and they send gifts to our DS.

I think parents should treat their kids the same. If one kid has to work full time and go to school full time, then the other one should have to do the same.. not be allowed to sit around, lazy..

The reason there's so much debt in this country is b/c of parents like your inlaws. Eventually they are going to stop helping your SIL out... she'll be used to getting whatever she wants, but b/c she hasn't been taught anything, she'll rack up credit cards bills and then wonder why she has to file bankruptcy.

Anyway, just hang in there!


had to add:

DON't help her out anymore! if she asks to borrow money or use your account, say NO! if she finds you're a pushover, she'll keep using you and then eventually she won't pay you back or something and you will end up even more upset.

[KarenS]

The mattress itself she got off ebay. I kept saying it's a bad idea to something that large off ebay. She did it anyway. So she's bid and won, but, her paypal account won't work. Can she use mine and promise to give me a check? I say yes. Do I have a check yet? No. Did I have a trucking company call me today to arrange for delivery because now my name is on the invoice? Yes. Am I the one having to deal with this now? Yes. My fault, yes. But it's the same old thing. Getting other people to do things for her and not taking any responsablity. But how does that make you different from what you're complaining about her parents doing? You're enabling her just as much as they are. You've allowed her to use your Paypal, you've made the shipping arrangements, you've taken over dealing with it, etc.? Are you pressing her for a check for the amount? If you think she should behave differently, then you have to not enable her like the rest of the family does.

And not to beat a dead horse, but $550 is cheap for a mattress, IMO. :)

Karen

[jnettie]

Ok, I'm back...thought ya'll deserved an update!

Yes, there are cultural factors going on here...DH and family are Chinese, I'm the white girl...so there's that.

It is more about boundries, and I think that this mattress thing just rubbed me the wrong way. It's not about the mattress at all. DH and I have fought about these things often. Slowly, he's seeing my side of things.

We moved here 3 years ago...and I wasn't too keen on it then, I'm less so now. It is very important to me that we move out, soon. That's the biggest issue going on here. We haven't been able to save lots because we both were in Grad school in that time, then had the wedding...a huge wedding that we *had* to have and also had to pay for most of the expenses. We broke even in the end, but there wasn't much in savings....

As for watching what we spend...it's come to the point where I have to sneek things I buy in. My MIL used it against us during wedding planning if we said something was too expensive. She'd say "oh, but you always order things online, you get all those packages all the time". :mad: God forbid we get a parking ticket...everyone knows in a matter of hours! That's what I mean! But, my DH and MIL also shared a checking account - that I made him get rid of because we'd get calls "you spent money that was mine!" from her because she'd make deposites without telling DH and he didn't know how to balance a checkbook...would just check his ballance to make sure he could write a check...so she could really see exactly what he'd spend for a while.

My MIL and FIL always try to pleed poverty...meanwhile they live in one of the more wealthy suburbs in New Jersey since DH was 5. Yes, their house is small, but it's still very very nice and on alot of land (at least an acre...which is expensive for this area). I was none too happy about the big screen tv and SUV my MIL bought while she was claiming she couldn't pay for the giant wedding she was forcing us to have. We *had* to invite all of her gradeschool friends and their families, but she couldn't afford to pay for it! ARGH!

I appriciate all your responses! It's made me think. I know that I'm extremely unhappy living here and I'd really rather be paying high rent and live alone (DH and I=alone ;) ) than live here and save in many many ways. I'm working now...so is DH...so it's possible. He just keeps convincing me that we can stay alittle longer....

It's true that it's a blessing to have this (live cheeply) but, like my Dad says "the only thing that's truely free is coffee."

[Sin Nombre]

My MIL and FIL always try to pleed poverty...meanwhile they live in one of the more wealthy suburbs in New Jersey since DH was 5. Yes, their house is small, but it's still very very nice and on alot of land (at least an acre...which is expensive for this area). I was none too happy about the big screen tv and SUV my MIL bought while she was claiming she couldn't pay for the giant wedding she was forcing us to have. We *had* to invite all of her gradeschool friends and their families, but she couldn't afford to pay for it! ARGH!

I'm sorry, but I don't see how anyone can "force" you have a giant wedding if that's not what you want. You simply could've said "MIL, we can only afford a small, intimate wedding. If you would like your grade school friends and families to attend, here is what it will cost you <insert price here)". It's generous enough that you were willing to even have these people attend, even if your in-laws WERE prepared to pay for it!

Regarding the TV/SUV thing, your in-laws purchasing habits are none of your business, just as yours are none of theirs. But you can't really expect them to take you seriously when you ask them to stay out of your financial business if you feel free to observe and comment on theirs.

It sounds to me like you really need to leave this living situation - it seems toxic on all levels. Otherwise, you run the risk of irreparable damage to your relationship with your husband's family.

[jnettie]

You haven't met my MIL.

[Sin Nombre]

You haven't met my MIL.

LOL jnettie! I hear ya! :rolleyes:

Seriously, it sounds like it's time to make other living arrangements!

[jnettie]

thre are lots of issues going on here. I disagreed, loudly, all the way through the process of the wedding. MIL and I shouted at each other, often. There were lots of cultural and family reasons why we had to have a huge wedding. DH and I basicly had no control over it. It was a strange predicament to be in. There was nothing that would have been "right". I look back and know it could not have gone differently. But, obviously, I'm still bitter about the whole thing and often very mad about the way things happened.

It's not fair that I'm picking on my MIL for buying expensive stuff when I complain she does that to me.... But she really wagged that SUV and tv in our faces. It was "look at my beautiful new car" right in the middle of all the drama. I never said anything to her, but it just didn't sit right.

It IS toxic. DH and I are great together. It's just family stuff that makes us fight. He agrees with me, now. But it was such a slow process getting there. There's so much to the back story...right now my complaints are sounding like whining...but if you were watching the events unfold, you'd understand.

I guess, what I needed was vent time. I also need to sort things out with DH. Things are not working, and I'm incredibly pissed still over everything. So, having everyone coddle my SIL right in front of my face hasn't helped.

[Natasha]

Hey hon! Sorry I didn't make it over here sooner. I am sooo sorry you are dealing with this. I know his family has been kind of a PITA all along. Your best bet, IMHO, is to just ignore it if you can, you know? Know that you'll never change the crazies, and thank got DH cam out as great as he did! lol

[ktsb]

Just wanted to step back in and say thanks for all of the background info. I'm realizing how little we know when someone posts one incident and then wants some validation around their anger.

My first advice was for you to quit worrying about what happened with your SIL. Obviously that really didn't help you much since the problem was so much more.

It sounds like you are progressing in the right direction, slowly but surely.

Hang in there and vent away if you need to.

[Twylla]

Hmmm... maybe your DH could make it an early Christmas present to find you an apartment????

Venting sounds like what you need the MOST right now, and a new home. Good luck, I hope you find a great place to live very soon so you can get out of that house.