Did anyone forgo the traditional proposal?

[IrishMeg]

Just wondering. I always assumed that we would have the traditional proposal, tell our parents, and set the date. Real life isn't panning out to match what I had imagined.

We picked our date out over a year ago. We couldn't help ourselves because as it turned out 07/07/07 falls on a Saturday and it's the 7th anniversary of our first date. It was just too perfect so we kind of decided that is what we wanted to do.

Now a year later, we picked out the ring and paid for it together. I just didn't feel like he should have to pay for the whole thing. I don't know why. We're paying for his together, too. (He will wear his band like an engagement ring like I will.) So the "romantic proposal" kind of seems pointless now.

I guess I'm just trying to get some validation that we aren't the only couple that bucked tradition and did it "our" way. It doesn't really bother me but I always wonder what other people will think. I know the point is that we're happy with our decisions but it helps to know you aren't completely weird! ;)

[calliope_muses]

We didn't do the traditional proposal thing at all. Just decided it was probably time to get married, picked out a ring, and set a date. From time to time I tease my husband that we're not 'officially' married yet since he never proposed. But, 2.5 years after our wedding and 4.5 years after we got engaged he doesn't buy into it! ;0)

[tlew12778]

We didn't. But it's also not done here in Italy. Basically we have been together for almost 7 years now. About 3 years ago I started asking him when he thought we'd get married. But he was still in med school back then and the timing just didn't seem appropriate. I mean, I would never have gotten married as a student (not saying that's bad for ppl that did... it's just not for me) so it wouldn't have been right for me to expect that of him. Last year he graduated and when he matched into a residency I finally just turned to him and said, "So, what are we waiting for now?" and that was it. We went to the church a few weeks later and picked a date.

As for the ring, I don't have an e-ring per se... bc that is also not done in Italy. For my graduation from grad school back in December 2001, FH gave me a diamond solitaire ring with the stipulation that it was "only a graduation present." That's the ring I wear on my left finger bc I have a different ring that he gave me many years ago on my right ring finger. We will forego the traditional e-ring bc I don't see the point in another diamond solitaire right now. Maybe I will get a bigger one in a few years for an anniversary or something.

Sometimes I wistfully think about what it would have been like to have been surprised by a bended-down-on-one-knee proposal but that's not FH. And the truth is that I love him for everything that he is, so I am fine with the lack of tradition.

[suzubeane]

We set a date that we felt would be best for my kids, his job, and the Jewish High Holiday calendar. But we didn't tell anyone, since it was still a few years out when we picked it. We had a ring that had been his grandmother's (his Mom gave it to us) so it was just a matter of when to "make it official," start wearing the ring, and tell people we were engaged.

I've never confessed this before, but I find most of those stories about elaborately planned proposals kind of silly, and not romantic at all. For me, there was nothing better than knowing we were totally on the same page, and that there was no pressure to come up with something memorable by way of a proposal.

[tenofcups]

I didn't have one for my first marriage or for my upcoming marriage. In both cases, I made it very clear early on that I don't care for the traditional proposal and that in fact I find the whole concept just kind of offensive (boy decides to marry, boy buys ring, boy "asks" girl but in most cases, he's really just telling her that *he* has now decided it's time they get married since how many women really decline a proposal?) For me, the whole thing is one big ugh, though I know there are others who seem to enjoy it.

I've never missed not having a proposal. To me, it's far more romantic and important that the two of us jointly decided to marry than it would be to have had him made such decisions pretty much unilaterally.

[sea74]

My now DH told me we'd be engaged sometime in 2003. I was patient most of the year, but by the time DECEMBER 2003 rolled around and there was STILL no ring on my finger I was sad, irritated, scared, mad, etc.

The day after Christmas, now DH told me he had already asked my dad for his blessing, but was having the ring custom made for me and had no idea it would take so long. He had dropped off his sketch of the ring at the jewelers two weeks before Christmas but it was still not done. At that point, he had only seen the wax mold of it and wanted to make a few tweaks to it at that point.

He said it was going to be about 3-4 more weeks until it was done because they still had to decide on the stones once the setting was done. I was completely devastated. He felt horrible so we decided to just go head and set the date w/o the ring.

We had a very specific date we wanted to get married on, which was less than a year away and we didn't want it to get taken at the reception location we wanted.

So, w/o the ring and the “traditional” proposal we set the date, told our immediate family and put deposits down.

When the ring FINNALLYL was finished it was the first week in February. When he gave it to me he did get down on one knee and said some nice stuff, but it wasn't the same reaction because we had already done so much planning for the wedding. But it was still very special and my ring is AMAZING!!!!!!

Seriously, I'm not too bothered by the lack of a traditional proposal. I'm like 98% okay with it and there's 2% of me that wishes I was taken by surprise.

As in your case, you have a very special date in mind and having that date was more important then having a “traditional” proposal. I think the date, which is more important, will stay with you longer than if you had a “traditional” proposal.

Congrats to you!

[IrishMeg]

Thanks for the respones! :)

I guess I'm just dreading the "So how did it happen?" question. Of course what I want to say is "Well, we dated for awhile. We broke up. We got back together and now we want to be together forever so we're getting married!" Not exactly what they had in mind, I'm sure! :rolleyes:

[kalogrias]

I actually had both -- the first "proposal", which wasn't really a proposal -- we were just standing on the beach after dinner (we live in San Diego, so this isn't unusual), and he said, "Hey, I've got a proposition for you", and I said, "What's that? You want me to be your business partner?" and he said, "Sort of...what say we get married?" And that was it :) Very non-romantic, but very him.

Because of a lot a terrible things that happened during our wedding planning, he proposed again about 2 months before we got married in a very elaborate way. I loved both -- but truth be told, I liked the first one better because it was so him...I just wish it would have all gone okay after that.

[lawyerlee]

We didn't do it either. We knew we wanted to be together and were just waiting for the right timing with everything else going on in our lives, particularly school for me. We basically eyed the perfect time, like you did, and went for it. I doubted myself sometimes, as did Cliff, but we have no regrets now, almost three years into the marriage. :)

[IrishMeg]

As in your case, you have a very special date in mind and having that date was more important then having a “traditional” proposal. I think the date, which is more important, will stay with you longer than if you had a “traditional” proposal.

Thanks for saying that! It is exactly how I feel.

I doubted myself sometimes, as did Cliff, but we have no regrets now, almost three years into the marriage.

Thanks, Diana, that was what I was hoping someone would say. I don't want to reget it either and I just don't think we will. I'm thinking down the road that is just won't matter as much as I think it does now.

[GeekGirl]

We didn't really have a "traditional" proposal either. I'm not really sure if we're "engaged" or not yet. Honestly, nothing has been "normal" or "traditional" about us from the start. We met through friends, teased each other on a message board, started emailing, "dated" by phone/online video game for a month or two, and were already in love by the time we met. We then proceeded to date long distance (me in SE MI, him in Boston) for the next six months when finally we decided he needed to move to be with me. We did that for a while and noticed that we were just sort of assuming, on both parts that "I" and "he" were are "we" - and that it would just always be that way. The topic of moving came up, and we just sort of mutually decided we'd like to be married before we move. Without a ring, we picked a date. We found a ring together - on eBay. It's on its way to him right now. He says he wants to actually ask me, which has been kinda frustrating for me - I've just sort of had the attitude "all right then, let's get on with it!", you know? I don't think you need a ring to ask a question. And as tenofcups pointed out, it's not exactly a mystery as to what I'll say. Even in the formal asking, I seriously doubt he will do anything elaborate. If I had to guess, as soon as he gets the ring, he'll probably give it to me and say, "so will you?" And that will be that.

In the end, it's just how we are. I don't think it's wrong at all, and I certainly don't regret it.

[IrishMeg]

Geekgirl, you pretty much summed up exactly what I've been thinking and feeling. We're waiting for the ring right now as well. It's due to arrive on Tuesday. The wait is killing me!

[Natasha]

No fancy proposal for us, either. When I found out I was pregnant, he made it be known that he had every in tention of marrying me. At the time, a wedding was a HUGE deal to me, but now that we are 6 weeks away from being parents together, it seems like no biggies. I know we'll get married someday, but I can't justify the cost of a ring and wedding right now (although I can't WAIT for that ring, lol).

[suzubeane]

I guess I'm just dreading the "So how did it happen?" question. Of course what I want to say is "Well, we dated for awhile. We broke up. We got back together and now we want to be together forever so we're getting married!" Not exactly what they had in mind, I'm sure! :rolleyes:Meg, if you want to read about how we got engaged, it's here (http://boards.weddingchannel.com/message.jspa?messageID=1426780#1470016) in my old journal on the other site. The post immediately above is about how we broke up, got back together, and decided we'd get married.

Maybe it's because I'm older (40 at the time of my marriage) or maybe it's because I was married before (although I did not have a proposal OR a wedding that time) but no one asks "how did it happen?"

[tenofcups]

Maybe it's because I'm older (40 at the time of my marriage) or maybe it's because I was married before (although I did not have a proposal OR a wedding that time) but no one asks "how did it happen?"

I have to echo that. I literally don't ever once remember anyone asking how it happened for either my first engagement or this one (I'm also older--42 now, so I don't know if that's part of it or not). I also don't ever remember asking anyone how they got engaged, though sometimes people do volunteer to tell the story.

[IrishMeg]

I love that story, suzubeane! That pretty much sounds like us.

Thanks for the reassurance, tenofcups. Hopefully I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it really is. :o

[wendalah]

No traditional proposal here. We discussed getting married and decided we were ready. We picked out the ring together. Then we called our families and announced it!

Nobody asks how we got engaged. All this stuff seems so important at the time, but after a few years you really don't think about it at all.

[Marie]

I don't think anyone has ever asked us how it happened. He actually ended up asking me 4 times. LOL.

The first time was during a late night phone call (we were doing the long distance thing) and it just kinda popped out in a scared little boy, "would you marry me?" way. (this is mid-August)

The second time was the following weekend he asked me again in person, like he couldn't believe he asked and I said yes.

We decided to start planning and had the reception place, church and dress bought fairly quickly.

He then decided it was time to make it official for some reason and took me out to a nice dinner, proposed at the table (again...) and gave me a little heart pendant. He said he was working on the ring. (I think we're in October here)

So a while goes by and he finally confesses that he had the diamond but had been agonizing over how to set it. Apparently it took him a couple months to find the right diamond then he couldn't figure out what to do with it. So he asked me to go ring shopping with me - but he wouldn't show me the diamond or tell me anything about it other than it was round. So we found a ring and the day we picked it up he proposed again in the car before he put it on my finger. (2 days after Thanksgiving)

Totally not traditional but it was perfect.

[Larissa]

I had just come back from England and we were talking about when we would next see one another (long dist relationship). Something was mentioned about living together and marriage and we moved on. But the topic kept coming up. So we set a date and started planning, all while 5,000 miles apart over the phone.

We picked both of our rings together. Although I didn't know that he had bought mine. When he next came to visit I had made a little photo album and we went on a walk and I gave it to him and asked him to spend the rest of his life with me. Later that evening as we were getting ready to go to bed he wanted me to go sit on the front porch and talk to him. He sat a ring down on the table and looked at me.

I guess I got the best of both worlds. His having the ring was a total shock. My mom and sister never considered us engaged until we both had our rings. When I first told my sister before we had each had rings she started screaming and crying over the phone. She asked how he asked and what the ring looked like. When I told her that Kristen and I had made a decision earlier that night over the phone and set a date, no ring, no down on one knee, just a decision we made, she quit screaming and crying and mummbled "ohhh, that's...nice."

I mostly tell phone about when we exchanged rings when people want to know the story. But the actual asking and deciding happened over the phone.

My parents got engaged in a jewellery store. They went to pick a ring together. As dad was buying it he said something to the effect of "so I guess we should get married then." :D

[IrisHope]

My DH proposed to me the night I came home from putting a deposit on the hall with my parents (he couldn't go because he had to pick up the ring!) Doesn't get more untraditional than that! AFter my dad put down the deposit I looked at him and said "All I have to do is get engaged" He almost had a heart attack! lol (He knew I was getting engaged that night but the way it sounded was funny!)

[Larissa]

Oh wait, the first time I asked him was romantic. It was New Year's eve, we were at a party, and we had been dating about 8 months. I was a bit drunk and couldn't find him as people were counting down. We found each other right after midnight. I told him I loved him and wanted to marry him, but I didn't have anything to give him. I was wearing a ring and took it off and put it on the necklace he wears around his neck. It's still there almost two years later.

But the real decision was made much later.

[nuhmah]

My was not the "traditional" kind either. We had set a tentative date, and then were moving ahead with plans to purchase a ring when we moved across the country for his job. All those savings had to go to something else.

Unbeknownst to me, he had managed to still purchase my ring, and had it a few months later. I had always teased him asking "Where's my ring?" He would smile, kiss my forehead, and we would go on with our lives. :)

One night, we had friends over, we had a really in depth conversation about life, where it was going, if I was going to continue teaching, etc. We were up until 3am, crying together on the stairs, and freezing our butts off. I asked him if I could have my ring, now - he smiled, his eyes sparkled, went and got it, and then asked me to marry him.

I love my story - it isn't overly romantic or fun to tell, but it means more to me than being taken on a "romantic" evening, doing things that I don't necessarily feel like doing.

[Lil_Mrs_0702]

I didn't get the traditional proposal. My husband got drunk w/ his uncle and brother in law the night before Christmas Eve. I guess they talked about it for hours and his uncle is an ordained minister.

Shannon came to bed and layed next to me. Gave me a kiss and said "Marry Me." I just told him okay and then he wanted to go down stairs and do it right then. I laughed and told him that we needed to get a license and stuff first. He just goes oh, well I should ask you dad. I thought it was perfect, so passionate and eager. We had only been dating for 2 months and just that he knew I was the one and I would say yes.

On Christmas day he formally asked for my dad's permission and then proposed to me in front of the family w/ a blue gumball machine ring. A couple of weeks later we went and bought my engagement ring, but I still wear that blue gumball ring w/ pride when I took my ring to get cleaned, resized, or saudered. My coworkers laugh and say it has to be true love to say yes to that ring. I think it is adorable!

[MandyMaloo]

We skipped the traditional proposal as well.

He had just moved from Wisconsin to NC to be with me. I knew he had the ring (it's my mom's) so I knew it was coming. I knew he wanted to be out here with me, so it was only a matter of time.

If he had taken me out to dinner or a night on the town, I would've known it was coming. I kinda wanted it to be a suprise, but I didn't need the fancy shmancy stuff. I just needed it to come from him. We were sitting on the couch after I had come home from a particularly hard day at work and he just looked at me and said "Would you put your ring on?". After he got out the ring he "officially" asked me. I thought he did it perfectly, becuase any other way would've been obvious!

[scorpioanne]

We didn't have a traditional proposal either...He said soemthing like "I'm going to marry you one day" while we were in bed and I honestly cannot remember the exact date either. As far as we were concerned it was a done deal. Not exactly a romantic story to tell people tho :rolleyes:

[lil_geek]

My parents got engaged in a jewellery store. They went to pick a ring together. As dad was buying it he said something to the effect of "so I guess we should get married then." :D

Larissa!! My FPILS got engaged that exact same way!

My dad asked my mom in June and they bought the ring in September because "there was no way I was going to pick something that important" - According to my dad.

Our engagement was half untraditional.... we talked about being married ALL THE TIME! One day I was cruising WC and mentioned something about booking over a year in advance. Ter said... Well, we better book!

So we booked the ceremony and reception location and kept it a secret for 4 whole months!

Finally he surprised me, proposed the 'traditional' way and we got to share with everyone else!

[Whitters20]

We didn't have a real proposal either. We dated for a while after we met and then broke up because I wasn't wanting a serious relationship. We remained friends and then Chris found out he had to move to Arkansas for a semester. When he got back, we got back together and decided to move in together a few months later. I guess we both just took it for granted that moving in together meant we'd get married. We had talked about it and he didn't want to get officially engaged till he could afford to buy me a ring even though I didn't need one. So, he gave me a ring on Christmas Eve of 2001, I called my parents, and we set a date a few days later. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have had a big surprise proposal but I think when you're already living together, it seems less important. But I have the man that I love and that's all that matters to me!

[IrishMeg]

Thank you, Everyone, for your stories and words of encouragement. I actually love reading your stories more than I do the "big" proposal stories.

Like many of you, we've made this decision mutually. It's not like he came up with this great idea to get married and propose to me. We pretty much talk about everything and always discuss things like major purchases and big life changes. It just wouldn't be 'us' to do something without talking to the other first. I'm glad to see we aren't alone! :)

[Sophia]

No one has ever asked about the "proposal," which is really good, because I always blush.

We'd been dating a few months and were sitting in bed talking, and I was saying something completely unrelated to our relationship--I don't even remember what--and all of a sudden the words "don't you want to marry me?" just blurted out of my mouth. His eyes bugged out, I turned red and tried to escape off the side of the bed, and he caught me and said, "of course I do, I just thought it was too early." Then we both started laughing. :)

He says I asked him, but I say no, I was just taking a survey. Neither of us really proposed. *cough*cough*

[jenji]

well, we did and we didn't. we decided we wanted to get married about 2 weeks into dating and that was just kind of that. (We'd been best friends for several years before that). DH moved away for school a week later and at some point in the next year we started planning the wedding. we picked a date, reserved the church, I found the photographer, ordered my dress, then told my mom we were getting married :) mainly because I wanted her to go to the photographer with me. I did most of my planning, then I got a ring. It was a traditional proposal and it was quite a surprise since I had told DH I didn't really want an engagement ring, just a pretty wedding band. I didn't see much point in a proposal since we'd already made that decision...
and when he proposed I actually said "no, don't do that" I felt so guilty that he'd bought a ring for me.
I did finally remember to actually say yes a few days later.
It did make it seem a bit more "legitimage" once I had a ring on my finger, but the best part was my dress came in one week later. that made me feel like a bride!

so yeah, it felt kind of funny to tell people we were getting married or engaged before I had a ring - especially when they asked to see it and I had to say I didn't have one, but all in all... we're married now and it doesn't really matter

[Etoile]

It's funny because our story is almost exactly the same as the original post--we picked the date 4/4/04 (almost two years into the future at that time) because it was such a cool date. We ended up getting married on 4/3/04 because 4/4 landed on Palm Sunday...

We picked out the ring together, too. DH did a very sweet little proposal to me after we'd picked the date and everything, in the car in the parking lot of Walmart after we went and got me a fake ring to wear until we could get the real one.

I've always felt a little tiny bit disappointed that there was no big proposal, but I am so happy that I found such a darling DH, that it is not a big deal.

[PGirl26]

No traditional proposal here either. I'm getting married in April, and he still has yet to ask me to marry him. LOL. We've been together almost 6 years...lived together for 5. We went ring shopping with the intent of me picking out a few that I liked and he would ultimately decide which one to buy at a later time. Once we got there, we both fell in love with my ring. I put it on right in the store. And that was that...LOL. We called his parents that night and they came over and we announced it. We've been planning it ever since. Sometimes I wish he would have at least asked me *shrug* But we've been together so long, and we were just ready to get moving on things. The big romantic blow out just isn't him.

[Missy2U]

No traditional proposal either. We had been together about six years or so, and one night, TOTALLY out of the blue, he said to me, "Remember that marriage thing we were talking about while back? How about you set it up." That's it. Set it up. Mr. Romance, ain't he? :rolleyes: I don't regret it though - three years come Nov. 27... :D

[Kaybelle9]

I was really hoping for an amazing proposal. You know, you watch that TLC show "Perfect Proposal" and you get him to watch a few shows with you... thinking he'll pick up on it.
I botched my own proposal....
My FH was in a car accident (he's fine) but the car was totaled, so we had to clean out his car. I was cleaning out his glove box and came across *DUM*DUM*DUM* yes... the receipt for the ring. He was really bummed out about it. After that, I knew he was going to ask me on the 4th of July (mainly because he's not a very good liar.)
Strange though... it didn't make it any less special...

[IrishMeg]

Missy2U, your proposal made me laugh!

Kaybelle9, I had a friend who had the exact samething happen to her. I guess they must figure that hiding the receipt in the car is safe! I love that he still went ahead with the proposal, though. Very romantic!

[Hangin'in]

DH and I talked about it very early into our relationship. I don't remember when, there was really nothing formal or special. He inherited his grandmother's wedding set, and he wanted me to wear her ring, if I liked it. If it wasn't my style, he would get me another. I love his grandmother's ring, it's not what I would have chosen, but it is very sentimental. He had it sized, and I told him I didn't want some big sappy engagement moment... that I would be perfectly happy to wake up one morning and find it on my finger! I don't know how he did it, but that's exactly what happened!

[PG-rated]

I did get a formal, down-on-one-knee, surprised-the-heck-out-of-me proposal, but in our case there was a real reason for it: despite living together for several years, DH had a lot of issues about marriage and what it would mean for our relationship, and wasn't sure he wanted to get married at all. I told him I would be patient while he worked things through, but obviously it was difficult. :) The proposal was his way of telling me that he was ready for marriage, which is why it was so special to us. If we were like the various posters here who were always on the same page with their respective DHs in regard to marriage, then I think a formal proposal wouldn't have mattered to me at all.

My mom never had an "official" proposal; she didn't even get her ring until just a few months before the wedding, and my parents were married 29 years (until my father died), if that helps. :)

[cowgirl]

We knew we would get married some day. When DH dad was in the hospital the day he passed dh told him he was going to ask me to marry him and then a year later we ended up picking out my ring and then telling everyone. Set the date. It is what worked for us we had already been together 7 years.