Friend's surprise wedding and my hurt feelings

[Kimberland30]

Okay, I'm probably going to sound like a completely selfish person here, but I don't mean to be. I don't even know what to think about all of this...so I don't really need emotional support per say...I just need to vent I guess.

I have a close friend whom I've known for the past 5 years, and she was a BM in my wedding 4 months ago. We went through a little drama back in the planning phases of my wedding...just like a lot of other people. But we got over it and we are still close. My DH and I have been traveling a lot this summer, and we were gone for the last 3 weekends. I last saw her about a month ago.

Anyway, my DH and I planned on getting together with everyone last night since we haven't seen most of our friends in a while, and I called her to let her know about it. She ended up calling me back and letting me know that she wasn't going to be out, and since I was going to be around mutual friends, she better tell me the news...that she got MARRIED last weekend.

As if that wasn't a shock enough, she's known the guy for exactly 3 weeks...including the week so far that they've been married. When I saw her last month, she was with a guy...not the one she ended up marrying. My friend hasn't been in a long term relationship EVER. I think her longest relationship was about 6 months, and it was nothing but drama. But to each their own.

I'm concerned for a few reasons, one is that this guy is 10 years younger than she is...he's not even 21 yet. They knew eachother for a mere 2 weeks before getting married. He is in the military and is getting stationed in Washington state in December, and they'll both be moving...to the other side of the country! She doesn't understand the concept of committment, and with her getting married, I know the chances of this lasting are slim to none.

Anyway, I'm kinda pissed because I just found out about this. She told me that it was a spontaneous thing and not to be upset but there was no ceremony, no guests, that they got a JP and got married on the beach. But when talking to our mutual friends last night, she did in fact have guests there...and even friends and family from out of state came. They even had a small reception. Although I was out of town for the last few weekends, I still called her and left her messages during the week. Do you think she called me back and let me know she was getting married...or even invited me? Nope. She knew I wasn't working and that I'd be home.

Am I selfish to feel this way? Why am I so put off about all of this? Should I just be happy for her and leave it at that? So I'm concerned for her, and what the heck she must be thinking to pull off something like this, and another part of me is mad because I wasn't even told about it until a week later.

Grrr, I don't know what to think about it.

[onomatopoeia]

Well, you and I both know that the chances of this marriage lasting are slim. There's the age difference, there's his age (not even 21!), there's the fact they've only known each other for less than a month, etc.

So, what I would do is stand by my friend. Let me give you some examples from my own life:

My best friend got married 5 years ago at the age of 19, to a guy who was 26 and she knew only for 4 months...They got pregnant 6 months later... well, now 5 years later, and 2 sweet adorable kids, they are in the process of a divorce.

My other good friend (who is in the air force) got married after knowing a guy for 6 months and had no family or friends at the ceremony. She was stationed in Hawaii, she was 20 years old. She gave everyone like a week's notice and this was right after Sept 11th so no one could make it out to the wedding.... well now they are separated and she's messing around with anything that moves (even married guys) and she's only waiting to file for divorce b/c she gets more $$ each month if she stays married...


My point? People do stupid crap and it is very annoying, but a good friend offers her congratulations, smiles and keeps her opinions to herself (unless the guy is abusive or a drug addict, etc.) I am there to listen to my friends when the break-up happens, when they realize how stupid they were... the times I have spoken up and said "are you out of your mind?" have only gotten people mad at me. So, I don't say a word. it's not my life.

But what bothers me about YOUR story, is that this friend invited people to her ceremony and didn't even bother to invite you. Perhaps you 2 aren't as close as you thought you were. Perhaps she thought that you would frown on her for this stupid decision (maybe deep down she knows it's wrong). You can call her out about it, ask why you were not invited and she'll say it was an oversight or she thought you were busy,etc. I would just let it go. The next time she gets married, hopefully you'll be invited.

[Wrighty26]

I definitely think you have the right to be both pissed and concerned. I also think you shouldn't give up on this friend because of the stupid decision she made. Who knows, the relationship might work out-- but as onomatopoeia the chances are slim. I think people who go into marriage spontaneously are generally in for a rude awakening. Marriage itself is not all that spontaneous!

I think your friend is going to need you more than ever now... Hopefully at some point you will be able to put the anger aside and guide her in a more stable direction! :)

That said-- I think you are a great friend for caring even if she didn't care enough to invite you.

[smartgrrl]

Hi - sorry to hear about your recent problems with your friend.
I believe the most significant aspect of your entire rant is how you went out of your way to point out all of your friend's shortcomings and inadequecies. It's unfortunate that you weren't invited to your friend's wedding, though I believe it would be more beneficial for your relationship if you could determine why she didn't invite you to the wedding, rather than focus on the negative aspects of their union. It is highly possible that she forsaw your judgemental attitude and didn't want that to be part of her big day (though I could be wrong). Furthermore, after participating in your more formal wedding, maybe she felt bad that her wedding was so much smaller and, in some ways, insignificant. I'd cut her a break - when you fall in love with someone after two weeks, that certainly isn't a time when your thinking rationally!
I hope everything works out with you and that you two both continue to have wonderful happy marriages.

[imagirliegirl]

If she had told you, would you have tried to talk sense into her and change her mind? My guess is that if your answer would have been yes, that's probably why she didn't invite you. She probably knew that what she was doing was crazy and irrational and maybe she only included people she knew she could count on to not try and talk her out of it. I could be way off, but that's what I would do if I did something like that. (Not that I would, just saying... :p )

If I were you I'd just let this go. Chances are that by the time December comes, he'll be moving alone anyway.

[kimthebride]

I have 2 thoughts here:

1) She was too embarassed to invite you, since you seem to be quite reasonable and introspective...thus by telling you she'd have to have A Discussion about what she was getting swooped into. Avoiding you and that talk let her have the spontaneous, crazy, laughable wedding she hopes to talk about for years.

2) You're not as close as you thought. Though, I doubt this one.

I watched one of my closest friends get married 8 years ago knowing - at the wedding - she would eventually divorce him. And they are doing just that now. Did I say 'I told you so'? Nope - didn't have to. She knows why we lost touch between her engagement and the invite (no, I wasn't in the bridal party). And she admitted to me not long after she told me she was leaving him that she knew all along I knew they shouldn't have married. But I stood by her side. I never judged her. And I eventually got over not being in the bridal party. It hurt, but she has to make her own decisions. Heck...at least she got 2 fabulous little boys out of the experience. And of course she wants me to be by her side if she ever does tie the knot again. ;) Experience brings wisdom, and she has learned from her mistakes.

Let it go, congratulate her, and keep in touch (you obviously still care for her or this wouldn't bug you). If her marriage fails but she still has you, she will be back. If her marriage succeeds and you lost the friendship, its a friendship lost over differences in opinion. Just be there for her and see what happens.
Good luck.

[ManteoChik]

1) She was too embarassed to invite you, since you seem to be quite reasonable and introspective...thus by telling you she'd have to have A Discussion about what she was getting swooped into. Avoiding you and that talk let her have the spontaneous, crazy, laughable wedding she hopes to talk about for years.

I will have to agree with kimthebride on this one. Chances are she probably had second thoughts herself and she knew that you would be a good friend and tell her that she was crazy. I'm sure she thought that you wouldn't approve and it would be easier to go throught with it if she didn't tell you. We all know what the outcome of this union will *most likely* be, but some people just have to learn things the hard way. Good Luck with everything, and just try to support your friend, even if you don't agree with what she's doing. After all, that's what friends are for.

[Boomer]

I will have to agree with kimthebride on this one. Chances are she probably had second thoughts herself and she knew that you would be a good friend and tell her that she was crazy. I'm sure she thought that you wouldn't approve and it would be easier to go throught with it if she didn't tell you. We all know what the outcome of this union will *most likely* be, but some people just have to learn things the hard way. Good Luck with everything, and just try to support your friend, even if you don't agree with what she's doing. After all, that's what friends are for.

I agree with all, just let it go and support your friend. We all know where this is headed and she will just need to live with her choice.

[lawyerlee]

People who are screwing up definitely don't want to have anyone point that out to them. So even though it really hurts you that she didn't invite you and lied to you about it, I think this is about her insecurities than anything about you. I can definitely imagine that this was a shock and is making you feel out of the loop and rejected, but she's going to need a good friend like you around when this thing falls apart, as we all predict it will. Hopefully by then your anger will feel less fresh and you can be there for her.

[Lauren23]

You have every right to be concerned for her...she barely knows this guy! A friend of my FH's is also in the military. He got married about a year and a half ago to some girl he met on the internet and only knew in person for about a week. He married her like a month later and she moved across the country with him to where he was stationed. They've been miserable for a long time, and are getting divorced. I'm not saying that if you get married quickly there is no chance that it will last, but the odds are not in your favor.

And I don't blame you about feeling pissed that she didn't tell you sooner... I'd feel the same way.

[Lil' Peach]

I could've written your post! My MOH ran off and married a guy just a couple of weeks after our wedding. She'd been dating the guy for maybe 5 weeks!! I was shocked but it's been four years and they are happily married with 2 kids. What can I say?? I wasn't the least bit mad at her though.

[tippy]

((hugs))
Well I guess I am part of the minority on this one...I would be hurt too. Maybe she doesn't think of your friendship the same way that you do. But in any case, I would have a heart to heart with her and ask her why she didn't invite you. If it's that she didn't want you to judge her, etc than I think it would be good to talk to her about how your behavior affects her (maybe you could get some feedback on how to relate to her so that she feels more comfortable coming to you). If it's that she was embarrassed, then you could offer her your support, etc. Either way, I think there is probably a deeper reason to why she didn't invite you, and if this were my close friend, and I was in your shoes I would talk to her about it and tell her how this made me feel, and see how she is feeling. I don't think I could just 'get over it' without addressing it b/c I would probably end up with some type of resentment toward her. In any case, I hope that you and her are able to move on from this and become closer friends, and I wish her all the best in her marriage (though these days I am quite skeptical of spontaneous marriages - but who knows, it might just work out!)!!

[Kimberland30]

I'm sorry for not responding before now but our crazy life has taken over. Thank you so much for all you ladies have written. I talked to my friend last weekend - I kept it light and congratulated her again, end of story. We will see them this weekend (his 21st birthday party) and honestly, there aren't any hard feelings.

I'm taking the stance that maybe she just didn't want to hear it from me that she was getting married. I tend to be outspoken sometimes, but NEVER to hurt feelings. I rarely offer advise unless it's asked for. My good friend went through a BAD breakup last year, and when her and her ex got back together, she was afraid to tell me about it because of what I might think/say. She eventually opened up about it, and I only offered support. I was mad when she was mad, I was hurt when she was hurt. Eventually she found her way back to her senses and is over it for good.

As for my newly married friend, she seems happy. I'm happy for her even though her quicky marriage caught me off guard. I guess now that I'm married, I see it as more of a committment than a fling. Which is kinda funny since I've been married before, but now that I'm 13 years older than the first time, I take it much more seriously now. But knowing her history, it would be surprising if it works...but it's her life. All I can do is keep an open mind and not close off what communication we do have.

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate your stories and advice. :)

[sue-bert]

An optomistic (or pessimistic, depending on how you want to look at it) viewpoint:

If she is this rash about major life decisions, then chances are she will get married a few more times in the near future. So maybe you'll get invited to the next wedding!

sue-bert