How do you stay strong and positive?

[julietchicago]

UGH. We just found out, literally 15 minutes ago, that a friend's wife is pregnant. They don't even have a very strong marriage, according to him they were just recently on the verge of a divorce. We have been trying for awhile now, and my heart just sank when he said those words "I'm going to be a daddy". I even saw tears in my DH's eyes. I know our day will come (at least I pray it will), but how do you remain positive in the meantime?? I don't mean to sound selfish. Of course I wish her a happy/healthy 9 months and a healthy baby, but you girls know how it is...your heart sinks and it just sucks...

[BooeyJ2]

It sucks, but basically remind yourself of everything you already have in life....things that you might take for granted every day.....the fact that you have a husband, family, friends, ect.

It took us a little over 1 year to get a BFP while everyone around me (including my sister who I saw all the time) was pregnant. It was hard, but I reminded myself that I had a wonderful husband, a great home, a good job, a super cute dog, amazing family and friends, ect.


Hang in there and GOOD LUCK!

Oh and for the heck of it....here's some
~*~*~*~BABYDUST!!!*~*~*~*~ :D

[Etoile]

It is hard. We are not officially ttc yet (although we are now officially not tta) but I have a very hard time with pregnant people and new mommies. My very best friend is now pregnant with her second. I am 95% thrilled to the gills and 5% viciously green with envy. Sometimes it's hard for me to be around her, but I love her and her baby girl so much.

It helps me a little to have a sense of humor about it. One of our other friend's babies is very skittish around me (though loves DH) and my friend said it's because she can sense my "baby hunger". Heh. That's probably true.

[Scooter]

You know, I think it's ok to feel selfish sometimes. You're having some difficult emotions, I think it's better to acknowledge that than pretend it doesn't bother you. I think one part of being strong is making sure you're being honest with yourself and taking care of yourself. If that means crying when your friend leaves and for a minute thinking horrible thoughts about her, or making sure you don't have much contact with her for awhile, or whatever, so be it. If you express your jealous, bitterness, sorrow for yourself in ok ways that doesn't hurt anyone else, that's fine & nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm not sure how long yo've been trying, and what stage you're at with your feelings, but it took us 2.5 years to get pg and literally every one of my friends who wanted a baby now has a baby or toddler. I really had to learn to focus on remembering to be happy in my everday life, day by day looking to find some satisfaction with where I was at that point. As opposed to focusing on the future and what I didn't have, which can only cause more hurt, jealousy, bitterness, and anger. Sure I still felt all those things, but my life became a little more manageable when I changed focus like that.

[Soulmate]

I had a similar experience when my brother announced he and his wife were pregnant. They are in their upper 30's and have a bunch other other issues that would stack the deck against them fertility wise. They got pregnant in months while I, 7 years younger and healthy, have been trying over a year and at least 2 miscarriages later. They told me via email and I immediately got angry then frustrated. Yes I am happy for them but I cannot help my jealousy. I also had to interact socially with a friend of ours who was due the same time I was when I miscarried. That is a nice little happy reminder of how far along you *should* be.

ITA with Scooter that you first have to honor your feelings and not feel guilty for them...they are real and very justified. It is hard to stay positive but I just hold on to the hope that I too will have my day that I announce *my* pregnancy. In the meantime I enjoy the benefits of not being a parent just yet. I cherish my alone time, sleeping, spending money on just me, spontaneous travel/entertainment, loud sex ;) , irresponsibility, not having to cook if I don't want to, etc. Yes I would definitely want a child over all of these things...but I don't. All I can do is try...the rest is out of my hands. I also try to stay away from any kind of TTC/pregnancy/baby related things when I feel this way. I try to focus on other things in my life and not see each day according to my fertility or cycle day. That is very hard to do a lot of the time but important. I lost a large part of my identity while TTC and actually became depressed when I stopped focusing on it. I realized that so much of my life was consumed by it. It has been easier since getting a different focus. None of this will help you get pregnant...but it will make the journey easier.

[julietchicago]

Thank you so much ladies for responding.

Do you ever feel like people are having babies and by the time you know it their babies are turning 1 and you still don't have yours?

Thank you again for responding. I'm glad to see others have felt the same way I do, and it's OK to express my feelings ;)

[Scooter]

Definitely--I have friends with babies who are well past their 1st birthdays, and who were conceived after I was already considering going to the Dr for an infertility workup. It's a lovely reminder of where you thought you would be at this point!

Juliet, have you been over to the Still At It thread? There's a link in my sig (SAI). It's full of other women who know all these feelings much better than we'd like to! ;)

[Spellbound]

Hi Julie, I wanted to echo the wonderful advice stated above and to give you another voice of comfort if I can. It is definitely important to give ownership to your feelings and be sure to connect with your DH on your feelings together. Good things can happen to you too, don't ever lose sight of that.

[Mystikal]

While DH and I have only been officially trying since June I have been craving a baby since we got married three years ago. Every time I found out someone else was pregnant I would feel horribly jealous. My cousin (who is four years younger than me, and in an unstable marriage where her and her husband have unstable jobs) announced her pregnancy last year at our Memorial Day picnic. I didn't have to see her again until the end of summer, but by then she was showing. As soon as I saw her I went to the bathroom and cried for a good ten minutes. I knew there were reasons DH and I were waiting to have a baby, although none of them seemed good enough at the moment. Now she has a beautiful baby girl and I spend a lot of time with her and her daughter.
Like Booey said it helps to remind myself of everything I do have. Like the fact that I have a stable job, and a secure loving marriage with a wonderful man that treats me like the only woman in the world. My cousin has none of that.
One of the things that has helped me stay sane during this 2ww is staying out of the chart gallery on FF (something I would spend hours doing every day), and spending as little time as possible in the TTC threads. I'm not sure how long you've been TTC, but I know that when you want a baby so badly it doesn't matter. Every time you hear of someone that hasn't been trying as long as you your heart breaks. Good luck to you and DH. I hope you get your BFP soon!

[jennylou]

It's very hard for me sometimes. Even without adding in my sons death at two days old, I have to deal with PCOS. My two youngest sisters, both of them unstable and not ready in any way to be a mother...well, they both have healthy babies. Life isn't fair, in fact, it outright sucks sometimes. Take the time and *be* selfish. People will either understand, or they won't, but you'll be better off for taking the time for yourself.

[babylove]

All of you ladies have given wonderful advice. I echo everything that has been said...although for me, it's easier said than done. DH and I have been trying since March. We got pg immediately, then had a m/c at 6 1/2 weeks. Not only have I not gotten pg since, but I have discovered that I have some "issues" that need to be addressed w/ hormone supplements and medication. I am sick with jealousy everytime I hear of someone else who is pg. It's not that I am not happy for them, just that I am just sorry for myself. It seems like wherever I look, someone else is pg. It doesn't help that I have to face annoying questions from family and even strangers about when DH and I will be starting a family. I have found comfort in my friends, especially (ironically) the ones who have kids. I indulge the baby bug by being "Auntie" to my friends' kids and just trying to keep my mind off of the tiresome process of becoming pg myself. Hopefully, we will both be blessed sometime soon. Best of luck.

[Heather719]

Long story short- we have been trying for over 2.5 years and have had three miscarriages. There are times I get very upset and very bitter- but what helps me the most is the absolute rockhard knowledge that we *will* be parents someday. I'm not sure when and I'm not even sure how (IVF? Adoption? Gestational Carrier?), but I know in my heart of hearts that I will be a mommy.

[AusMarchBride]

Do you ever feel like people are having babies and by the time you know it their babies are turning 1 and you still don't have yours?

Oh yes, absolutely. For me, it took 2.5 years of TTC (including IVF) to fall pregnant. It was extremely difficult to see all my friends gradually announcing their pregnancies and me still enjoying the delightful visits of AF :rolleyes:

Most important thing is to be okay about the fact that you're disappointed and envious. Yes, I was very happy for my friends, but that didn't lessen the disappointment I felt that, once again, it wasn't me.

I also decided once to not go to a friend's child's 1st birthday party. I felt very guilty about not going, but it was the day after I found out my first IVF hadn't worked, and I was a bit of a mess. I just didn't feel I could be there celebrating (and also with 2 other friends who had newly announced their pregnancies). DH went and just said I was unwell, and I rang the child's mother the next day and explained that I just wasn't up for it. She was fantastic and understood.

I was also lucky in that I had a close friend who took years to get pregnant (also through IVF) and she was a fantastic sounding board for me. If you don't have anyone IRL who is in a similar situation to you that you can talk to, post in the SAI threads on here. You are not alone in this situation and having these feelings, and hopefully you can get some extra support and also do some venting when necessary.

Infertility is hard, really hard. Lean on your DH and support each other. Good luck to you and your DH.

[julietchicago]

Thank you so much ladies for your kind & warm responses :) Good luck to all of you that are still trying... ;)

[Sare79]

I wanted to bump this and say thank you to all the ladies out there with such good advice. Sometimes it's easy to lose perspective.

[gator97]

Sare--Thanks for bumping the thread. I had missed this one but am in desperate need of it. Having a hard time not focusing my whole life around TTC. It will be one of my New Year's Resolutions, I think.

[heidi0622]

I really had to learn to focus on remembering to be happy in my everday life, day by day looking to find some satisfaction with where I was at that point. As opposed to focusing on the future and what I didn't have, which can only cause more hurt, jealousy, bitterness, and anger. Sure I still felt all those things, but my life became a little more manageable when I changed focus like that.


ITA with Scooter. She could not have said it any better. It took us well over a year to get pg and there were pgcy announcements all over the place during that year. Each month I would force myself to take a step back and focus on what I *did* have and what was good in my life. Each time it didn't happen, I would try to plan an activity or something that DH and I knew wouldn't be as easy to do once we got pg or had children - got tickets to sporting events, a nice dinner out, crazy girls/guys night out, etc. It didn't make the pain go away easily, but it allowed me to focus and enjoy life at that moment. I kept saying to myself that I would be a parent someday and I really wanted to be able to look back at this time in my life and know that we made the most of our "single" days, rather than just focusing on what we didn't have. All the best to you girls!

[marchfamily]

It's very difficult to stay positive. But, I hope you will have a success story in your future!

As a former SAI member, I felt like everyone around me had no trouble getting pg (it took us 12 cycles). I remember crying all the way home when another friend mentioned they were pg.

Hang in there. Try to remember the positive things in your life - your marriage, family, job, etc.

[Renrel]

did not deal with infertility or a extremely long period of ttc so my experience is admittedly limited in the front. It took me 6mths to get pg but since I am older and saw some issues in cycle I did stress a bit. I thought I would post what works for me in general, take what you will from it:

Write out a list of your blessings. Think about all the things your take for granted, your general health, sight, ablity to hear, living in this country, your husband, living parents and siblings who are reasonable healthy, a paying job, health insurance, stores that have stocked shelves, food available for your table, an education, minimal fears of your home being blown away in the night, torture, ect, good medical care. There are so many people in the world who do not have these things. When you start to feel down review the list in your head to get perspective.

Give yourself permission to sulk, moan, cry etc, but for a limited time. One weekend a month, 15 minutes a day, whatever works. Have a specific plan to transition out of this phase when your done bell rings.

Make a point of enjoying the things that you will no longer be possible after you are pg so you have something to look forward to even if the is a BFN. A romantic dinner with wine and unprocessed cheese was my booby price on negative months, and I really missed these once I was pg.

Use the time to get better prepared for preganacy and parenthood. You will be so tired and busy later anything you do in advance will help. Get in shape, change your diet habits, improve your marrage (communication will be so vital those first few months when you are both sleep deprived and stressed. If you are in the habit of being able to talk about hard issues and being kind to each other even when grumpy it will really help alot) ,research the services and goods you will want and need later, take a class in infant and child CPR- maybe one geared to daycare providers so you are not overwhelmed with pg woman or new parents. Organize your home - Throw out everything you really don't need because clutter will be your arch enemy in a year or so. Think of this as making room for your new life by tossing out your old one. Think of this time as a part of your pregnancy, that you get more time to do the fun part of pregnancy, without extending the yucky parts, to make up for your wait.

I also did Yoga and used the mediation periods to form positive thoughts.

Frame your desires in the positive. I want to be pregnant, not please don't let it be another wasted month. Some people believe that the universe hears our prayers but does not understand negatives, so all that registers is wasted month and that is what it delivers. Silly way to see the universe maybe but it can't hurt to frame things this way.

Think about how helpful your pg friends and family will be once you are pg. All that advice, gifts from people in the know and hand me downs.

Talk to those who you envy calmly about your feelings. Tell them you know it is not reasonable and you feel guilty but that there is a part of you that is angry with them for getting what you want and that it sometimes makes it hard to be around them and that you may sometimes lose control and say or do something mean or stupid. Ask them to be patient with you. I did this when my baby sister got married and I was dating my husband who at that time was not being very cooperative in the getting engaged front. It helped.

[Asha]

i completely understand where you are coming from. one of my friends sent me her holiday card with her baby. she got married AFTER me, and she already has a baby. of course, i am so happy to see her happy and she has a healthy baby, it just is sad bc i want to have a baby too. my dh asked why we don't have a holiday card with our picture on it, and i said there was no point bc people only want to see pix with cute kids. i then got sad again. i think this time of year is especially hard bc christmas seems ever more precious with children to celebrate it with.

i see a lot of teenage mothers walking around with children, and i think why are they having babies and not me? i got really upset when my dh told me his coworker who is a teenager was so excited that she got pregnant bc she would finally be able to move out of her mother's apartment and get her own apt bc she would qualify for public assistance bc she had a baby. that just killed me!!!

[ShelbyMay]

Near the end of our TTC journey, when I was getting pretty worried about our ability to conceive, I read a book called "Hannah's Hope". It is based on stories from the Bible, and it helped me to sort out my feelings -- For instance, I often wondered why I was being denied this blessing when it came so easily for other people. I finally started to look beyond my desires for a baby and to consider that God might have other -- and maybe even BETTER -- plans for me.

I'm not trying to convert anyone to my religious views. I just know that this book brought me comfort during a difficult time.

[Baby Lust]

i got really upset when my dh told me his coworker who is a teenager was so excited that she got pregnant bc she would finally be able to move out of her mother's apartment and get her own apt bc she would qualify for public assistance bc she had a baby. that just killed me!!!
This sort of thing makes it so much worse! We tried for 15 cycles (most cycles were 1.5 months each!) and it never did get easier to hear the pg announcements, but, agreeing with the others, look at the positives in your life, rather than the negative of not being pg yet.

Good luck to you and your DH!

[ds2003]

Sometimes I wonder how I made it. It took us 17 months (12 that were annovulatory), surgery, drugs, u/s and an IUI.

I cried a lot because sometimes I just had to get it out and crying was the only way DH would really understand how much I hurt. I found friends IRL and online that I could confide. Since DH didn't always understand I needed someone who did (esp IRL). At the time I only knew one person who had also dealt with infertility. I am very happy with my decision to open up. I opened up to one of my co-workers who I didn't know had dealt with infertiltiy. She is the one who recommended the awesome RE I started to see. The most important thing that helped me was going back to church. I really needed it back in my life. For the longest time I could not get DH to go with me. I have to say that infertility has been a blessing in disguise. Now I have no problem getting DH to go. He knows that it helped me through it. I have to also say that even though it took a long time to get pregnant, the timing ended up being perfect. All we can do it take it one day at a time.

[craftyT]

I'm in need of a "stay positive" BUMP :) I haven't been very active in this section of CC but I read the threads often and find a lot of support with our private struggle with trying to conceive... I'm praying it'll happen soon (for all of us!).