Support for a late term loss/stillbirth/infant loss - TTC or not, all are welcome

[Astro]

myangelsvw did you and I finish off the Bailey's this weekend? ;)

[Kimmiebride]

Count me on the drinking... AF arrived yesterday, with a vengence, and my computer crashed and I am doing recovery on it to try to get back some of the files that are lost... (don't worry Amy, yours are safe, but it's going to take me a bit to get them finished cuz I have to scramble here!)
I have been using my favorite f-word a lot today.
Hope you are all doing fine!
Thanks so much always for your support and hugs!!!
right back at you all!!
Kimmie

[sophiapb]

Oh crap, Kimmie. I had high hopes for you. I'm sorry. :(

[myangelsvw]

Kimmie - I'm so sorry about AF. I really hoped it'd be easy for you once you got back on the TTC track. I'll pour you the super size mango margarita.

[Ericka_Jarett]

virgin pina colada for me

[LDS Angel 19]

Kimmie I'm sorry that old hag found you. She really sucks. She'll be finding me within the week I'm sure.

[goldengbridge]

Kimmie-Sorry. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for next cycle though!!

[bookworm]

Ladies, I'll hope you'll forgive an intrusion for a question.

There is an event next weekend where I will see a group of friends from college. I found out through the grapevine that one of these guys and his wife had lost their son due to a premature birth. I learned this through a friend--said guy and I were not keep-in-touch close (but were certainly exchange-small-talk close), and I never sent a sympathy card.

I'm trying to phrase this correctly, and if I'm being hurtful, please know that is not my intent.

Would you prefer to have a casual acquaintence say "I was very sorry to hear about your son" (which I was) or to not acknowledge it at all? Or something else?

Thanks for your insight, and if you'd like me to delete this question, I will certainly do so.

[Ericka_Jarett]

bookworm - you are free to ask questions, no need to delete it.

When you see this guy, you could just say I heard from a friend of ours that you lost your son, I am so sorry for your loss. (don't comment that you were going to send a card or anything (may sound weird but I know people that have said that when it was after the fact and since they never did it was pointless to mention)) If they choose to talk about it, let them, if not just let it be. I know for me it depends on the conversation/situations if I want to talk about my daughter's passing or not. I mention her and if they seem interested or I want to talk I do. HTH

[jennylou]

First, I want to thank everyone for the thoughts and prayers during Andrew's birthday weekend. They meant a lot. It was an emotional weekend, as I'm sure you can all imagine.

kimmie - sorry about the hag. :(

bookworm - if for some reason the subject of children come up, I think it would be appropriate to extend your sympathies. Or really, should it come up in any way. As in (you), "hi, how are you?", (them) "well, it's been a tough year". At that point, I think it's okay to bring it up. It might bring tears to their eyes, but it's so much better for people to acknowledge my son (so this is IMO), than to just ignore that he was. Yes, I often tear up when people mention him, but for people to not mention him is even worse.

Hello to everyone else.

[bookworm]

Thank you both for your advice.

[myangelsvw]

Michelle - You testing soon? Those are some pretty temps you've got there.

astro - You better believe it! The Baileys and another pint or two of ice cream to boot.

Things are still lousy around here. The daily sob fests that started last week continue. I'm hoping that once we get past the would-have-been induction date next week the slow progress will return. We're taking a little trip starting late next week, so hopefully that'll also help get me back on the right road. Oh, and getting a new gym membership when we return. Am looking forward to that because I'm starting to get paranoid about the weight again. I did finally lose a couple of the pounds, but I still have about 5 to go. Or at least it was five before my last dip into the ice cream. :rolleyes:

[LDS Angel 19]

Yeah, my chart is starting to look very pretty, and it's getting hard to stay calm. I'll be testing Saturday and/or Sunday. There's a rule in our house, I have to test when DH is home. When I found out I was pregnant last time, he wasn't home, and all of the LJ/WC world found out before he did. :cool: He was a little annoyed...

I'm starting to have more bad days strung together again too. For the past week or so I've just caught myself thinking "this time last year I was starting my registry... picking out the nusery decor... actually looking pregnant...." and on and on. I have a feeling the majority of June is just going to suck.

[myangelsvw]

Phooey. I don't see why your silly husband ought to know before us.

Is it Saturday yet? (tapping my foot impatiently)

[amygrrl]

saturday is malin's birthday. we still haven't made any concrete plans for the day. without thinking, i told the church people that this sunday would be a good day for malin's welcome to the world party. now i'm wondering how i will be. and then dan leaves town on tuesday for a week, leaving me home alone with malin. i'm wondering how i'll do with that. this week looks to be rough.

i'm reading along, but feeling sorta down and can't think of a single thing to say for shout outs except that i'm sad for all of us... but i'm also hopeful for all of us.

[Kimmiebride]

Hey Miss Amy,
You'll have to make an appointment to see your images if you can manage it! That will cheer you up! I can try to come to you guys so you won't have to disrupt the princess.

Thinking of you on Avery's day, and wishing you all the best my dear!

Michelle!! Good luck tomorrow! That's a purty chart indeed!

hugs to all,
Kimmie

[myangelsvw]

amy - Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you today. Are you going to Avery's tree?

[amygrrl]

we were going to try to sneak off to the park early this morning before the crowds descended, but malin decided that she needed to catch up on her sleep and got extroidinarily tired and cranky right after waking up and taking her bottle around 9:30... so she's asleep in the swing and we'll head over once she wakes up. we're going to go pick up some flowers or something to take there. perhaps have a picnic, though i suspect the park will be packed it being june and gorgeous day out. maybe today i'll take some pictures of the tree. i never did that for some reason. it's in an area all by itself (there are lots of trees there, just none right next to it). more and more i'm thinking we should get a bench to go across from it. someplace to sit and look at the tree.

i think about avery so much. dh told me the saddest thing the other day. he said he thinks of avery every day when he holds malin b/c malin's little body is so warm and he remembers how avery was warm to hold at birth and how her warmth suprised him. it's weird how there are such solid sensory memories associated with her death and how easy those are to access... as if they happened yesterday.

i had a dream last night that i dropped malin and they said she would die from the injuries, but she didn't and instead i worked hard to rehabilitate her and then i was standing with her (maybe she was 10 or 11) with my arm around her all proud.

[Kimmiebride]

i think about avery so much. dh told me the saddest thing the other day. he said he thinks of avery every day when he holds malin b/c malin's little body is so warm and he remembers how avery was warm to hold at birth and how her warmth suprised him. it's weird how there are such solid sensory memories associated with her death and how easy those are to access... as if they happened yesterday.


oh, sweetie, I am just crying right now... I am glad you have Malin to keep you guys warm now, but they will never fill that aching gap that Avery left behind. I am so glad for you that you have those special memories. It's times like this that I sooooo regret not holding Robert or seeing him. All I can remember is how it felt when he was growing inside me and starting to flutter around, and his birth and what a precious experience that was. I was telling some clients (who have become quite close, since their daughter was born a couple of weeks after we lost Robert) how precious my experience was.

Will you come and see your photos on Tuesday? I have a session at 12:30, and could see you guys anytime in the afternoon... if it works with dh leaving that day and all, I'd really love to see you. I know it's such a hard time right now... sending hugs!
love,
Kimmie

[amygrrl]

kimmie - could you come to our place in RWC? if so, tuesday would be fine. malin's being quite the bear when it comes to her need to nap and if she doesn't get to sleep right when she's sleepy it's a screamfest which i want to avoid while dan is gone!

thanks to everyone for thinking of us today. it has been difficult, but there's one thing that makes it all bearable and puts on a huge smile on my face... malin's hair at almost 9 wks...

http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e257/amygrrl/IMG_0669.jpg

[LDS Angel 19]

hi girls...

Well, I may have news. I got probably the most faint second line ever this morning. There's a pic in my LJ or over in the charting thread... I took another test tonight and it looked just like the first one.... a line is a line is a line, right? I'm feeling awfully cautious, but hopeful.


Amy Malin is just perfect. I love her hair. I hope Avery's day was as easy as possible for you.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Michelle - I am so happy for you, I hope this is it finally. Go and get a digital test girl :) Hope to hear that you are a graduate as well this year.

[Kimmiebride]

Michelle!!!! Whoopeee!!! So happy for you! I knew that chart was looking good! All the best for you and your DH!

Amy, I'll come to your place - no problemo! I'll call you on Monday to check in and make a plan!
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Amy - I hope the weekend was gentle on you. I found that the lead up to the weekend was worse than the actual weekend. Hugs to you.

Michelle - congrats again! :)

All right, who's next? :)

[DianeCourt]

I need help & I hope this is the appropriate place to ask this question. I was devastated to find out this morning that one of my best friends lost her baby on Saturday. She was due the second week of October. I don't know all of the details, but they found something wrong during her big u/s a couple weeks ago and she had to wait until she went into labor, which started on Friday.

I'm absolutely beside myself right now. I want to support my friend, but I don't know what to do. Can you ladies help me? What would you have wanted your friends to do for you?

[myangelsvw]

Diane - I am very sorry for your friend. This is a horrible thing to experience. The main thing to do is let her know you're willing to listen and, going forward, that you remember the baby. For more specifics, here are some links that you might find helpful.

http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/docs/trifold_familiy_friends_coworkers.pdf
http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572_4056.asp
http://www.babylosskit.com/what.html

Jenny - Any possibility we can add these links to the front of the thread? We seem to have gotten a fair number of inquires, so it seems like it might be helpful.

Michelle - Congrats, again, on the very good news.

So. Here's the plan. Kimmie, you're going to be this month. I'll be next month with the FET, and astro, you'll be as soon as you cycle again next. Everybody got it? Ok.

[jennylou]

Jenny - Any possibility we can add this links to the front of the thread? We seem to have gotten a fair number of inquires, so it seems like it might be helpful.


Perhaps I should start up a new thread anyways? I know this one is getting up there in size. And it might be nice to have a few posts about books/websites/etc that we all found helpful.

BTW - I like your plan:
So. Here's the plan. Kimmie, you're going to be this month. I'll be next month with the FET, and astro, you'll be as soon as you cycle again next. Everybody got it? Ok.
I feel like we should gather up for a huddle (like in sports). :p

Dianne - there have been a few threads about losses that you might want to check out.

What to do/say to a friend who has had a loss? (http://www.constantchatter.com/showthread.php?t=13403&highlight=late+term+loss)

Gift for a colleague who has had a stillbirth? (http://www.constantchatter.com/showthread.php?t=20378&highlight=loss)

Friend miscarried - don't know what to say (http://www.constantchatter.com/showthread.php?t=18804&highlight=loss)

What do a do/say? (http://www.constantchatter.com/showthread.php?t=16087&highlight=loss)

[Kimmiebride]

BTW - I like your plan:

Quote:
So. Here's the plan. Kimmie, you're going to be this month. I'll be next month with the FET, and astro, you'll be as soon as you cycle again next. Everybody got it? Ok.

I feel like we should gather up for a huddle (like in sports).


Need I say it??? Oh, I like your plan as well!!! Very much!
hugs,
Kimmie

[Sully130]

I only have a moment, but I just HAD to offer my congratulations to Michelle. I'm so very happy for you. May you have nothing but a completely happy and healthy pregnancy. :)

[goldengbridge]

Congrats Michelle! I'm so happy for you. Heres to happy and healthy 9 months!!

Kimmie- Hoping you're next!

[LDS Angel 19]

Thank you so much for the congrats everyone :D

Jenny, I think a new thread would be a good idea.

[Astro]

Congratulations Michelle! Please pass the baton (positive test) to Kimmie, who'll pass it next month to Myangelsvw, who'll pass it to me some day. :) It sounds like we're passing a baton or torch or something like that.

[myangelsvw]

Jenny - I think a new thread is a good idea. I'll try to come up with my list of stuff to contribute. Probably Wednesday.

astro - Some day??? It's "some day *soon*" to you, missy. You're still cycling July/August, right?

Would-have-been induction date is this week. Hard, but so far less hard than would-have-been-full-term week was. Kind of a relief. Only two more "milestones" this month and then I'm free until September. And speaking of free, DH and I are going out of town later this week for a little vacation. I know you'll all miss me terribly. :p

[Kimmiebride]

It's the TTC Rainbow Relay!! Pass that BFP around!

Tough day today. My brother called me last night with some shortness of breath and leg pain, and I told him to go directly to the ER, and sure enough, he has a clot in his leg, and most likely in his lung too. He's a big guy, so they can't do the CT scan of his lungs, since he won't fit into the machine. He's only 34. He's going to be ok, and they are keeping him in the hospital this week, but I know he's really scared, and so is his wife. They know what I went through with the clots, and it just sucks that he has to go through this too. I hate being so far away. Hearing his voice on the phone is just so hard - I want to tell him he's going to be fine, and hug him, and it doesn't work so well from 3,000 miles away. Please keep him in your prayers! His name is Mike. Thanks!
Kimmie

[DianeCourt]

Thanks for your help, ladies. I wish you all the best.

[sophiapb]

Woah, I go away for a day and someone else gets knocked up? I should leave more oftern! Congrats, Michelle!

OMG, Amygrrl, love Malin's hair (and everything else about her too).

Kimmie, sorry to hear about your brother. That's awful! I hope he's healing and over it quickly.

Can I vote "Aye" for myangelsvw plan? Did I miss the official vote or can I still chime in with input? :D

As for me, I'm still struggling with M/S. Not complaining (because I used to hate when people would whine about pregnancy symptoms while I would have given my right arm to be pregnant) but it has been rough. I finally broke down and took a Zofran yesterday and today but don't feel that it does much for me. Takes a bit of the edge off but that's it. I'm also supposed to tell work today but we've had a bunch of political crap happen Friday and Monday and I'm not sure if this is the best time. However, I'm starting to show and don't know how much longer I can keep my secret hidden under jackets and loose blouses.
Okay, back to fretting over my job and dry heaving! ;)

[Ericka_Jarett]

Ladies - I need some prayers, this is such a stressful time as I know you can all imagine.

What an appt today!!!!

My cervix is shortened a little more than last week and open slightly. I have to go Thursday for a non-invasive cerclage (will be a ring instead of stitches), praying that it will take us to term with no further issues. Going on modified bedrest as well now.

I won't lie, I am scared!! All I could think of when the doctor came in as the tech was doing the u/s was this is not going to be good news. The tech left me there with the doctor and he told me the news. Asked how far I was with Rebekah when I lost her and it's scary. I am 2 weeks short of the time I lost her. I don't want much from life, just a healthy full term baby to bring home end of Sept/early October.

[sophiapb]

I'm so sorry about the stress Ericka. I'm sending prayers and postive thoughts your way for you and the bambino. Keep us updated so that we know our energies are working. :)

[LDS Angel 19]

I will glady pass the BFP to whoever wants it. :D

KimmieI hope your brother is doing better! I will certainly keep him in my prayers.

Sohpia Hope you feel better soon!

Ericka Oh my gosh. I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. I will keep you in my prayers as well and send you lots of *stay put baby* and *stay closed cervix* vibes.


As for me, doing alright. Still kinda in shock. I feel like I'm not sure if I want to let myself get excited. I want to be excited, but I still have a looong way to go so it's hard.

[myangelsvw]

Ericka - I can imagine how scared you must be. Hopefully it's done all it's going to do for now. Nevertheless, rest. Drink lots of water. And good luck with the cerclage on Thursday. We're pulling for you.

sophia - Sorry you feel so rotten. And don't worry. We know it's hard. And I honestly think it's probably harder when you've had losses like ours in the past because you can't just assume that at least you'll get a healthy baby out of it. So as commendable as your sensitivity is, you have permission to complain. :) Good luck with work. Any luck on the disability front?

Kimmie - I know it's hard to not be with your brother, but thank goodness he had you to call and push him into going to the ER. I know everyone must be grateful for that. Of course, I hope his docs get his dosage figured out with less trouble than yours did. :rolleyes:

[sophiapb]

And I honestly think it's probably harder when you've had losses like ours in the past because you can't just assume that at least you'll get a healthy baby out of it.

OMG, that is so true. I've honestly thought about that. Like, is this just some sort of joke on me? I might be sick for five months and then have nothing to show for it? On a lighter note, yesterday was my birthday but I was out of the office because that was the only date I could get for the new OB office I am going to. Anyway, the office staff celebrated my birthday today and got me a card and an ice cream cake (Haagen Dazs brownie a la mode). It was so good. I snarffed two pieces and then promptly threw them up. :rolleyes: Well, I enjoyed the ice cream while it lasted!

[Kimmiebride]

Thanks for your prayers guys! I told him that people he (and I for that matter) have never met are sending good vibes his way!

Ericka! I am sending you good wishes for the cerclage. keep off your feet, and really take it easy!

Just did a maternity session for one of my former brides! It was really sweet!
so exhausted...
night night!
Kimmie

[LDS Angel 19]

well you guys, i'm getting awfully emotional over here. I had a tiny bit of pink spotting today and was thisclose to OMGfreakout stage. But I havn't had any cramps or anything, so I'm trying to relax. I'm not sure though if I'm going to make it if I feel this way the whole pregnancy. I've been so emotionally drained, and it's only been like 4 days!

[myangelsvw]

sophia - Your birthday? And you didn't tell us? Well, how the hell are we supposed to toast you on your birthday if we don't even know? Unfair, I say. :p ;) Well, I just drank half of a very nice bottle of 15% alcohol wine, and I'm now dedicating it alllllllllll to your (belated) birthday. Hee.

Michelle - Just keep repeating to yourself "spotting is very normal this early. spotting is very normal this early." Keeping my fingers crossed that it means nothing even remotely bad.

[jennylou]

ericka - sending good thoughts your way.

sophia - happy belated birthday! And good luck telling work. I agree about the m/s, I try not to complain, but honestly, it kicked my arse with Andrew and the first four or so months with this one (it stopped when I quit working - coincidence? I think not). And I agree with everyone else, we don't take for granted that everything is going to be happily ever after, so the crud can be crappy to deal with. If it was a guarantee of a healthy baby, I'd do it all in a second - but when there are no guarantees? Well, it becomes harder to put on a happy face. Besides, I'd rather you complain about m/s than me complain about the fact that I am going to a party (college graduation) this weekend and feel like I haven't been able to drink (even a wee bit) at family parties for YEARS. See, your complaint sounds more valid than mine. ;) And yes, I know I shouldn't complain, but alas, I'm human. I try not to though!

Michelle - As I said on lj, I'm thinking about you. It's so crappy to have any spotting. It completely freaked me out at the beginning of this pregnancy too. I hope yours turns out just like mine. ;)

Hello to everyone else. :)

[sophiapb]

Michelle-I had some spotting the first few weeks of this pregnancy as well whereas I didn't have it at all with the first. I wonder if it's just more common with second pregnancies?

Thanks for the birthday wishes, ladies. I started ignoring my birthday when I turned *gasp* 30 so it's not a big deal to me. I think once I make it to my eighties I'll start having big bashes to celebrate the fact that I survived another year! ;) Until then, I just keep it on the downlow with the occasional ice cream cake.

[goldengbridge]

Happy Birthday Sophiapb!

Michelle-I had spotting with both my pregnancys. Its very common in the beginning but still freaks you out. Sending you good vibes.

Kimmie- Hope your brother is doing well.

Hello to everyone else. Got AF again on Sunday. This is cycle 2. We still aren't in agreement when to TTC again so we shall see what happens over the next few weeks.

[LDS Angel 19]

Thanks girls. I'm much more calm about everything today. I just feel like I'm going to be on "Terror Alert: HIGH" this entire pregnancy...

[Ericka_Jarett]

Michelle - I think with all of our situations, every little thing in our pregnancies following our losses, makes us do Terror Alert: HIGH!!! Every little twinge is like, do I need to worry about this being a problem or is it just a stretching pain, is that a BH or a true cramp to call about. Pregnancy can be stressful. I know for me I have been having all over pain in my abdomen, worries me is my cervix opening more or is it just the growth spurt of the baby. I hope this ring puts my mind at ease a little tomorrow, that I can make it through the next 14-18 weeks with no issues arising. (Pushing for at least 18 of course.)

[LDS Angel 19]

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, Ericka. I hope the procedure today goes well. Please come back and update us when you can.

[Kimmiebride]

Ditto that Michelle!
Kimmie

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thanks ladies!!

Here is the update - It wasn't too painful at least the first step, the second was a LOT of pressure, I was ready to leap off the table. It only took about 2 mins to put the ring in place. I had to stand up and walk in a circle and than go out to the waiting room and walk a little and use the bathroom before I left. They wanted to make sure I couldn't feel it or had any pain from it. Also found out that I have the start of a yeast infection so he gave me a script for the pill I need (it's 1 dose only) He said the next 6 weeks I have to take it easy. Nothing really strenuous, can go out and do stuff, but to sit as much as possible (well that will be easy with the weddings coming up, hubby and I don't dance so no worries there) He is going to do another u/s in 2 weeks to make sure things are going well. Hubby and I are still pushing to go at least to 37 weeks, so I will be taking it easy as much as I can. Should have good results, my mind is at ease a little now.

[goldengbridge]

Ericka- I'm glad everything went well. I'll continue to keep you and baby in my prayers.

[Sully130]

Ericka - I'm so glad that everything went well. And I see that you are having a boy! Boys are great. :) It's interesting that three out of the four of us who have had or are having a baby after losing one in the past year or so (sorry Amy!) are having the opposite sex of the child we lost. For me, I know it was helpful. I do hope to have another girl someday though.

I hope everyone is doing well.

[amygrrl]

ericka - so glad things went so well. take it easy and keep baking that baby!

sully - yeah, in many ways still i think it would have been easier to have had a boy instead of another girl. people (myself included though not often) sometimes call malin avery by mistake. and since i got pregnant so soon after delivering avery it really felt like one REALLY long pregnancy. i was basically pregnant from dec 04 - apr 06!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i look at malin every day and wonder if her sister would have been similar... but on the other hand, i'm not missing out on raising a girl and had we had a boy, i might have felt a little short changed. like my only experience to raise a girl was taken from me (of course all of the infertility stuff plays into that as well since who knows if we can get pregnant again)... and i have to admit that i was MADE to have a girl. the clothes, the nursery, gymnastics, ballet... even when i was pregnant with avery everyone said that i needed to have a girl. of course, now i want a boy... and another girl... but i guess i'm just selfish like that! :D

[goldengbridge]

If you girls could say an extra prayer for me this evening i would really appreciate it. I'm having a really hard day. I need some strength right now. TIA

[LDS Angel 19]

Jen, I will certainly mention you in my prayers.

And I'd like to request some for me too. Had my first OB appointment today, and they didn't see anything on the ultrasound. Well, she pointed to a grey blob and said "That *could* be somthing, but I can't tell." They took blood to check my betas, I'll get the results tomrrow and likely go back for a repeat draw on Friday. The doc gave me a 50/50 chance of it being a chemical pregnancy, or just too early to see anything.
All of this might not be so scary if it wasn't for the fact that I started spotting this morning, it's been increasing, and now I'm pretty much full-on bleeding.

Emotionally, well, I don't even know how I feel. Basically like my scabs have been ripped off and had salt dumped on the wounds.... And I hate this, I feel really bad for speading bad news all over CC... again. But it's really nice to have the support.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Sorry to hear about the bleeding Michelle, hope you aren't suffering a m/c or Chem preg. I'm thinking of you this week.

[Kimmiebride]

Jen & Michelle, you are both in my prayers! Sorry this is turning out to be such a tough day.

I am a little worn out too. My brother was let out of the hospital today, which is good news, but he contracted a blood infection while he was there (somehow, some medical professional must have infected him accidentally). Needless to say, he's pretty cranky. So he's not allowed to return to work until 6/27, and his co-workers are donating sick time so he'll still get a paycheck, but the state messed up the forms (why am I surprised) and said they didn't know why he was requesting this.... um... almost 2 weeks in the hospital apparently isn't enough corroboration on it's own. Geez.

I am really feeling like crap these days too. Very worn out, and allergies and a pinched nerve have kept me in constant pain since last wednesday. Hoping they will work out some form of PT for my shoulder. Of course I have a session tonight, and thank God for Vicodin after. The good news is that I finished up all my pending session proofing, so Amy will finally get to see the rest of her photos since I am not going to Florida after all. I'll call you Amy!
big hugs to you all!
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Michelle - I'm thinking about you and praying it was just too early and that you're just "one of those" who bleed during the first trimester.... Hugs.

ericka - I wanted to congratulate you on your son! :)

kimmie - hope you are feeling better soon.

Jen - Thinking about you during this rough spot.

[LDS Angel 19]

Thanks girls.

I feel kind of bad, like I'm hogging the thread these days, so feel free to skip this next ramble....

Allison's birthday is Saturday. And I'm doing ok, but mostly just because of this huge distraction I've been having. But it's been so hard, and frustrating, and sad, to figure out what I wanted to do for my little girl's birthday. And of course, the plans are working out far from perfect. And my stupid family has been far from helpful, as usual. And it's just so hard not to get down on myself you know? I can't stop thinking, If Alli was here, none of this would be happening. Everthing would be so diffrent. I'm sure we've all thought that at times.
I talked to my drs office this morning, I didn't get my exact numbers but it was 'positive'. I'm going back first thing tomorrow morning for a repeat draw, and hopefully we'll get the results by the end of the day. Still having some bleeding though. Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst I guess.

ugh. i think i'm done for now. I'll get to hash it all out again at our support group tonight...


Kimmie I hope you and your brother both feel better soon!

Ericka Still thinking good thoughts for your boy to stay put for a long time!

Everyone else, I hope you're doing alright.

[goldengbridge]

LDS- Hugs. I'm praying hard for you and your little one.

[Sully130]

Michelle - I'm so sorry you are going through a bit of a scare right now. I hope that things are just fine with your little bebe. I know I had a lot of bleeding and spotting with my last pregnancy and I had a healthy baby in the end. I'll hope the same for you. I wish you the best with Allison's birthday. I know it will be hard, but you will get through it.


oops...baby started crying. will come back when i have both hands.:)

[sophiapb]

Michelle-I'm crossing my fingers for you. We had one girl on the December thread who posted that she had a miscarriage and to take her off the roster. She came back a few days later and said everything was fine! She was bleeding heavy for several days and had assumed that the baby was gone after all of it but an u/s proved otherwise and now she's about 13 weeks along. I'm hoping that your next doctor's visit has happy news for you! :D

Goldengbridge-What's up, sweetie? Do you want to visit and vent a bit? We're here for you whether you want to vent or just need a virtual hug.

Kimmie-Ugh! I'm sorry about your brother and the crap he's going through. He was in the hospital for two weeks, does he really need the stress with messed up company forms? I hate incompetency!

Speaking of incompetency, I went for my 12 week u/s yesterday, left work two hours early and sat around for nothing. The idiots scheduled me in the wrong u/s lab so it was all for naught. Of course, instead of asking me about it, they tried contacting my doctor for almost an hour while I sat in a waiting room with no acknowledgement from anyone, wondering if they even knew I was there. They finally got a hold of my doctor who said that she hadn't scheduled the appointment, she had just written the scrip for the u/s and then they FINALLY came to me and asked me about it. Um, yeah, I scheduled the appointment which I would have told you if someone had approached me and yes, I did give all the info over the phone including reading the scrip outloud. Is it my fault that they have idiots who don't know where to put patients correctly? Because it took them so long to figure it out, they couldn't get me into the other u/s lab which was just seven floors up. Idiots! Of course, I started crying at the end of it because I've been freaking out and I wanted some confirmation that there was still some sign of life in my uterus but I was denied that because some idiot pencil pusher couldn't do her job correctly. :mad: I'm scheduled again (in the correct lab this time :rolleyes: ) for next Tuesday but that seem a life time away. I just want everything to be okay. Is that too much to ask? NO!

Okay, calming down. How is everyone else doing?

[Ericka_Jarett]

Michelle - I hope you get good news tomorrow. I am praying for you.

I'm doing well. Have a wedding on Saturday morning, hoping my dress will look ok. I go for an u/s and OB appt on Tuesday morning/afternoon. I am thinking if I get the ok with everything good at the u/s will take the 5 hour trip to my mom's house, will go for a few days, since I have a wedding on Friday night.

[Astro]

goldengbridge sending you prayers for some strength.

lds angel 19 sending you hugs. I'm so sorry to hear the OB didn't see much on the ultrasound. I'll keep you in my prayers. Don't worry about spreading bad news all over cc. We've all done it and gotten much needed thoughts and prayers. I hope we eventually all have good news to spread.

kimmiebride I'm glad your brother is finally out of the hospital, but sorry he contracted a blood infection. Hope you're feeling better soon.

As for us, we're still waiting. After the miscarriage in the beginning of May, I'm still waiting for my next cycle. We're on hold when that starts, and then hope to try again after that. I really hope we can try before the anniversary of our boys death in September.

We're off for Chicago tomorrow... actually 4 hours south to a town called Mattoon. We're going to a wedding reception for some very good friends of ours who were married in France on New Years. We couldn't go to the wedding because we were dealing with Dr's still after losing our boys. We figured we better get to Mattoon for this. Then back home on Sunday.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend.

[Happy1]

Thought I'd poke my head in here and see what's going on. My best to all of you.

We are fast approaching the 3-year since losing our son mark (in October) and getting really frustrated that we don't seem to be able to become parents to anything but angel babies. Don't get me wrong-we deeply love and remember Jacob and his sibling we lost in February early on in the pregnancy but we're so ready to be parents to healthy children.

We'll be doing our 2nd IUI with sperm donor (Male Factor Infertility has come into play. We found out in 2004 I believe). We've done 3 IUI's total but this will be our 2nd this time around. The very first IUI is the one that ended in a m/c.

Here's to hoping that something happens here. We never did take the nursery apart after losing Jacob and we're more than ready to fill it with our own babies.

Nikki :D

[Ericka_Jarett]

Appt update - My cervix is open on the inside about 1 cm (was 7mm 2 weeks ago), but closed outside so that was good. The membranes are trying to push through. The cervical ring is holding well so the doctor was happy about that. I go back in 2 weeks for a check again and have to take anti cramping meds for a few days to help my bag of water shrink a little and the baby not make so much urine. The baby weighs about 1 lb, 7 oz and is about 5 days ahead of schedule. I am on bedrest now as well, so not much of anything but couch time for me. We just got a laptop for me so I can pass the time on the boards and researching other stuff.

I go in 2 weeks for my peri and OB appt where I will have my antibody bloodwork done, than 2 weeks later will get my 28 week rhogam shot.

Peri said next 6 weeks are crucial (although he said that 2 weeks ago) I told him we want at least 13 more weeks and he said ok sounds good to me, that will take me to 37 weeks at least. He asked if we got past the point of the previous loss, I told him actually we were on the exact day, 24w 1d. He said ok, we are getting you past it. The next 13 weeks on bedrest will be hard but I want a healthy strong baby, so I will do what I have to.

[jennylou]

ericka - 13 weeks on bed rest sounds like a lot, but I'm sure sully can give you ideas of things to pass the time. I'm glad that you are hitting the milestone of making it past your pregnancy with Rebekah. Each passing day is a good day. Anything of particular interest to you?

Nikki - I'm glad that you posted here. I'm crossing my fingers for your next IUI.

kimmie - glad your brother is out of the hospital, but sorry to hear about the infection.

astro - I hope you had a good time in Chicago.

Michelle - how are you holding up? Thinking about you.

Sophia - wow, 12 weeks already! Seems like you were just announcing your pregnancy. You had a c/s with the twins, right? Will you be doing a repeat or trying for a vbac?

Sully - how's that baby doing?

Jen - I hope this week is a better one for you.

Amy - even though I had a six month break in between pregnancies, this one seems like one long one sometimes as well. I was talking about my family Dr the other day and how I haven't seen him in about two years. The person said, "oh, you must be really healthy". Um, yeah, or it could be that I saw him last in July '04, got pregnant in August '04 and have been under my OB's care since. And, I can't even the last time I really cut loose and got toasted. ;)

Not much going on here. Just sitting at 33w2d, under 50 days to go - basically just hanging out. Working a bit on the house. We're going to have house guests Labor Day weekend - so I need to get ready for them as well as baby. :)

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hubby came home from the doc with me and set a few books on the table, offered to pick me up more of a certain author if I wanted, told him no, she doesn't have any I want right now, read all of hers already. I have my Bible word puzzles, cross-stitch of Noah's Ark and now my new laptop, as well as the DVD player and TV so I am set pretty much. I also increased the mins on my cell phone (only phone I use) so can talk to people if I want. I am just praying we get to at least 37 weeks and that the next 13 weeks fly by.

[LDS Angel 19]

sophia did you finally have your u/s today? Come back and update us!

Nikki I'll be sending up lots of prayers for a successful IUI for you guys.

Ericka Hand in there! Sounds like you have a lot of good ideas on staying busy while on bedrest. We're all pulling for you.

Me Somehow, we survived Allison's first birthday on Saturday. We had a nice little get together with my mom and a few friends.
As for this pregnancy, my betas are still going up, at my draw on friday my progesterone was low so I've been on supps for that. Monday it was at 8.7, up from 3 on Friday but the nurse said they like to see it over 10. The bleeding has been slowing down a lot. The progesterone gives me crazy m/s, but I'll take it. Right now we're still kind of in limbo waiting for another draw on Monday.

We also had some sad news. We found out yesterday that a friend of DH's lost thier son at 24 weeks. She went in to the ER because she was leaking a lot of fluid. She ended up with a c/s. The little guy was alive for a few hours, really fighting, but he just couldn't make it. We're going to the funeral tomorrow. Seeing what they're going through is almost surreal. I can't believe that was us a year ago. And it makes me so sad to know that anyone else has to feel that kind of pain.

I feel like I could write more, but it's gettng late. Here's a quick pic from our balloon release Saturday:
http://images1.snapfish.com/3473%3A9575%7Ffp346%3Enu%3D325%3A%3E%3A57%3E744%3E WSNRCG%3D3233848284779nu0mrj

[Kimmiebride]

Hugs for Michelle! The photo is lovely, and I am sure that Allison loves her balloons. Sorry that you are having to re-live the pain through the loss of DH's friend's baby, but glad you guys are there for them. Hoping your little bean is doing great... can't believe it's 6 weeks already.

Ericka, glad to hear that the ring is holding, and even though bed rest sucks, the alternative is not an option!! Take it easy, and so glad you got the laptop so you can hang with us at our virtual parties!

Nikki, wishing you good luck!!

Sophia, updates!!! :)

Ok, I am going for a qualitative blood test tomorrow at 10dpo - chart looks pretty good, triphasic today, and temps are really high... almost 100 degrees. I hate it that I don't have slips for betas... but hopefully I will get good news. I am not getting hopes up too high as last month I had tons of FPS, and no BFP, but I am still trying to remain positive. I will become pregnant while I am still 40, I can feel it!! I'll let you guys know as soon as I do... I may POAS tomorrow morning, but all I have is digitals and not sure if they are sensitive enough for this early. With Robert I got my BPF on 13DPO, and my beta was 178 that day.
Please God take care of my good friends in this thread, and please let this time be the lucky time!!!
Kimmie

[amygrrl]

Ericka_Jarett - i know how rough it is, but you can totally do this! remember i was dialated to 3 for 4 weeks and then dialated to 5 for another 4 weeks before they finally INDUCED me at 37.5 wks. so it's totally possible for you to keep that baby of yours inside. let me know if you need anything at all. also, did the peri discuss giving you the steroid shots just in case? i know my peri gives them to everyone with incompetent cervix/ preterm labor or a history of either at around 27 wks. i had the shots at 31 wks since that's when they caught my ptl and i just remember all of the peri's and neonatologists giving huge sighs of relief when they heard i had them since the steroids help mature lungs, brains and intestines. also, since it takes 48 hours for the most benefit from the shots, it's not something you want to wait for until the last minute if at all possible.

kimmie - glad your brother is better. can't wait to get together this week!

Nikki - crossing my fingers for your iui!

astro - maybe a trip to see oprah while you are in chicago? :D

sophia - yeah for 12 wks!!!

jennylou - wow, it seems like just yesterday that you and i were pulling each other through the horrible summer after losing our babies. and isn't it funny that word? 'losing' i say it all the time but i really hate it. i didn't 'lose' avery. and when people say that it makes me feel like some really crappy mom who can't keep track of her kids so she keeps 'losing' them. i didn't 'lose' avery. she died.

as for us. i'm actually can't wait until january when we can try to get pregnant again. weird, i know. but i figure i've been pregnant for so long that that has become my new normal so it feels weird to not be pregnant. malin is a rolly polly 11 lbs 14 oz. i can't believe she's so big given that she came into the world just 11 wks ago at 5 lbs 10 oz. what a little fatty. dr. saw her today and said he has no concerns about her health, but is VERY concerned about her hair! :D i love my kid and her whacky hair!

here's her latest picture... you guys tell me if it bugs you for me to post pictures of her. i'll totally understand. i'm just hoping after everything we went through (death of avery, preterm labor, 8 wks of bedrest, all kinds of complications from the magnesium sulfate to stop the labor, emergency csection, intial apgar of 1 and resecutation needed, several days in the nicu) that she might be a bit of an inspiration to everyone who is still in the thick of the fight!

http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e257/amygrrl/IMG_0689.jpg

[Kimmiebride]

I'll never get tired of seeing pics of your babies!! Malin and that crazy do... I LOVE IT! See you Thursday Amy, just let me know what time... I have two appts in the morning now and am trying to schedule you and one other client so I am sure we'll work it out!
Kimmie

[myangelsvw]

I'm back! Or did you even realize I was gone? :p Headed up to Canada for a little respite in Vancouver and on Vancouver Island. It was a good thing. End of May/beginning of June were so hard because they marked the end of the pregnancy. So getting out of town and recharging a bit was critical. Especially considering that we're moving on to the FET now. Which terrifies me. I'm scared it won't work or will work *too* well and that something bad will happen again. But I feel just the tiniest bit hopeful that maybe something good might happen. Lots of qualifiers, yeah, but better than I could have done two weeks ago.

Michelle - I'm glad you made it through Saturday and were able to acknowledge Allison's birthday. I love the pink balloons. And I hope your little one keeps hanging in there.

Kimmie - Good luck today! Remember, you have the baton this month!

Ericka - I agree with amy regarding the steroid shots. If they haven't mentioned them, you should ask. Hopefully they won't be necessary since I'm sure you'll be a fabulous job at bedrest, but it might help ease your mind, too.

astro - When AF is done around here, I'll send her over. Sound good? And how'd you like the hot weather we had for you? Nice, huh? :p

Nikki - Good luck with the IUI! Are you using the same donor as previously? Or is this the first one with DS? And I'm so sorry it's taking so long after losing your son to bring a baby home. That's lousy. You deserve some good news with this round!

Jen - How ya doin'? I know it was a while ago, but I hope the bad day was followed by some ok ones.

[Sully130]

Every time I try to come by here my little miracle man interrupts. I'm sure he doesn't mean to do that, but it happens. ;) And right now he's working on a nasty diaper next to me so I'll have to make this quick.

Michelle - I'm so glad to see that little bebe is hanging in there. I am also glad to see you made it through Avery's birthday okay. That is a beautiful and sweet picture with the balloons.

Kimmie - I'm hoping the very, very best for you. I hope your test goes wonderfully. It's definitely time for a BFP for you.

myangelsvw - SOunds like your little getaway was a good idea. Best of luck to you with the FET.

Amy - Wow! I can't believe you are wanting to get pregnant again so soon. I have mad respect for you on that! It's going to be a while before I can put myself out there again after everything I've been through. Since you've been down a similar road, I admire you so much for being willing to do it again. I hope your next pregnancy is nothing but happy and healthy.

Malin is adorable. That hair is just amazing! I wish she could give some to Thomas. He has a bit of blonde peach fuzz...but mostly he just looks like a bald old man. :) But he's adorable all the same, of course. And I didn't realize that Malin had initially scored a 1 on her apgars. She is an amazing inspiration.

Jenny - I'm so happy for you that things continue to go well for you.

Ericka - I'm sorry about the bedrest and other issues. I don't understand why you, Amy and I didn't earn problem-free pregnancies after losing our babies. It just doesn't seem fair, does it? I know 13 weeks seems like forever, but just take it one day at a time. Your big milestones will be 24 weeks (which you've done), 28 and 32. After that...it's nothing. Your baby has a wonderful chance. My advice is to not look at the 13 week mark. Just take it one week at a time and celebrate each week. When you make it to those other milestones, celebrate those especially. Take it from someone who spent 20 weeks on bedrest...it's much too daunting to look at the big picture!

Happy1 - I remember your story from the WC and I'm sorry to hear things still have not worked out for you. I hope this next IUI is the one for you.

Astro - I hope you had a fabulous time in Chicago!

~~~

Thought I'd share a picture of my little miracle fella. He turned two months old yesterday and is a chunk at 13 pounds, 2 ounces. He's tall too, 23.5 inches. I'll have to come back and remove this picture later...but for now, here he is:

Removed photo...but imagine precious, smiling baby boy here. :)

Fussy baby is telling me to change his diaper. Have a great day everyone.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thanks for the support ladies, it means a lot.

Amy love seeing pics of Malin, especially with that hair :)

Sully- Thomas is such a cutie, stole your heart I am sure.

Seeing the pics of the babies just is a great reminder of where we have come from and where we are going. Yesterday was a bit tough for us, hubby told me last night that he was ready to faint when he heard I was 1 cm open, I reminded him though it was inside not outside, although we are not happy about the opening just the same. We are just trying to keep our focus on the positive and leaning on the Lord to see us to the end of this pregnancy with a happy healthy outcome. I feel good that I am feeling little man move around, when I don't feel him for a little while, I just pray that I would, touch my stomach and within 5 mins I feel him kick so know all's good with him. I know the next several weeks will fly by, can't believe how fast the last 24 weeks went.

[sophiapb]

13 w 3 d

Hi all. I was at a conference for a couple of days so I was out of touch for a bit but here I am! Today, I am officially a third of the way through this pregnancy!

I had my (delayed, see previous post) 12 week U/S yesterday and all looks good with my own Moxie CrimeFighter (as opposed to Penn Jillette's Moxie CrimeFighter, who from this point forward will just be known as "the other one"). Little arms and legs were moving and it was just amazing to see everything. December 24 was confirmed as my due date by the measurements and I was so happy and relieved to see that everything was well. PHEW! Now only two more trimesters to go! :D

I can't speak for everyone but I love the baby pictures. Not only do they give me hope, it's nice to see some amazing joy come into the lives of people who had an unfathomable loss.
Sully-Snuggles to your chunky peach fuzz boy. Look at that smile!

[B] dr. saw her today and said he has no concerns about her health, but is VERY concerned about her hair!

~Snort~ Omigosh, Alexa had nice hair when she was born but it fell out within a few weeks. We have pictures of her at a few months where I had to balance a bow on her head because there was no hair to attach it to. :p If she had Malin's hair, I'd be doing a new hair-do everyday. Bouffant, French braid, piggy tails, chignon, etc!

Hey Happy1. I remember when you lost Jacob. It's hard to believe that it's been three years already. I was also saddened when your second pregnancy ended too soon. I know that it is a tough time for you but I also know that you have your faith and an amazing outlook and those were what helped me through most of my troubled times. Keep us updated with your IUI. I'll cross my fingers and say a little prayer for you and your DH. :)

Ericka-Instead of saying that I'm sorry that you are on bedrest, I'm going to say that I'm thrilled that your little guy is hanging tight inside of you and giving you the occasional reassuring jab. :) I hear that NetFlix is a must have for bedrest.

Michelle-I'm relieved that your Betas are going up. I was hoping to see good news from you when I came back to this thread and that was it! I'm so sorry for your friends. It's awful to have someone else "join the club". The balloon release picture is beautiful. What a gorgeous sky! I'm glad you were able to make the most of Allison's birthday.

Jenny-My doctor keeps asking about C-sections as well but I just feel like that's so far away and I don't even have any guarantee of even getting that far. I'm of the "let's wait and see what happens" school of thought right now.

Kimmie-No pressure but you do have the baton! I'm crossing my fingers for good news from you in about four days. :D

~Waving~ to myangelsvw and astro. S'Up, ladies?

[Kimmiebride]

Sully, he's adorable.. I love that giggle!!

hey guys, I thought I had the baton... but someone must have sneaked in and put grease on it or something because today's test was a bfn... Truly bumming... Now I just keep clinging to the faintest hope that it's just too early, but know it's probably not (10DPO for a qualitative, not beta, hcg)
Kimmie, who is feeling sorry for herself in a big way, and there's no icecream in the house...

[myangelsvw]

Kimmie - Is 7:30am too early for ice cream? If not, I'm heading to the store right now to get you some. That said, I'm not throwing in the towel yet. I still think you should be getting betas at 10dpo. You probably would have gotten a + with Robert at 10dpo, but it really is too early for a qualitative test in many many many cases. Personally, I would call my doc and say I needed slips for betas and givethemtomeNOW. Actually, I probably wouldn't call my doc because I'm a wimp, but I'd unquestionably call your doc! You don't need this uncertainty every month.

sophia - AF's up. After last month's nice 13 day LP, I had another of my annoying 11 day LPs this month. FET cycle started one day after my 40-week due date. Feels meaningful somehow. Glad to hear MCF was giving you a good show at the u/s. And congrats on the 2nd tri! From my perspective? That flew by! You? Probably not so much, huh?

amy and sully - Cute kids! Hope we all get one someday.

[Happy1]

Kimmie I hope it's not the end for you yet. But some good ol' comfort food certainly couldn't hurt anyway. I'd send you some ice cream but I'm afraid it'd be melted by the time it got there.:p

Nikki :D

[Kimmiebride]

Hey gals!
Talked to Amy today, and she convinced me that there's still hope. I was going to try to buy an answer brand test, but they didn't have that brand at the store I found. I discovered some chocolate chip cookies at costco today so I am good to go on the comfort food!! I actually froze the rest of them, or i'd be too tempted to just chow the whole box, and that's more calories than anyone needs, especially me! Had some pink spotting this afternoon, and my temp is still way up. We'll see what happens on Sunday. I am going to try NOT to use the last test in the house tomorrow.
Kimmie

ETA: temp dropped this morning, so the witch is on her way... can someone please take this baton, and maybe pass it around to the next person, and I'll look for it on the next lap!! Thanks for being there and keeping me cheered up. As the hormones clear, I am not so depressed after all. I think the hardest thing will be if we get pregnant next month (though I'd happily deal...) because then I'd be due in April, and Robert was due in April... maybe these milestones will get easier... I guess expecting a little miracle would make it a little easier...
K

[goldengbridge]

Kimmie- I'm so sorry to hear that this wasn't your month.

Happy- I hope you are able to have your little miracle soon also! We were originally in the Sept 06 thread together.

Ericka- Hang in there girl!

All the baby pics are precious! Hello to everyone else!

I'm not doing so well. I've been having more bad days than good lately. Still seeing the therapist which is helping a lot. We made a lot of ground when I saw her last time. MY breaking point this week was when I ran into my next door neighbor who I hadn't seen in a long time (they have another house in the poconos) and she's pregnant. Due in Oct. And then she announced that its a boy and his name is Jacob Michael. I must have looked like a ghost. I just stood there. What are the chances my next door neighbor would be due like 5 weeks after i was and have the exact same name. Needless to say she had no idea about my Jacob. She went on and one how shes going to have so many questions for me and we should get together and i should bring Andrew over to swim at their house. Oh man. Not looking forward to watching this little boy grow knowing that my Jacob should be doing all those things. It just hit me hard.

Does anyone know where I can get a frame to put an u/s pic in honoring our angels. I dont want to put it in just a plain frame. There has to be framed pics that I can buy that says something about an angel. Know what I mean?

Off to relax. I hope everyone has a good weekend!

[LDS Angel 19]

Kimmie I'm really sorry this wasen't your month!

Even though I'm sitting here looking at them nearly in tears (it's probably the progesterone...), I love the baby pics too. It gives me hope.


Sophia Glad to hear all was well at the u/s, with little Moxie CrimeFighter.....hilarious. :D

Jen Yikes about your neighbor. I can hardly imagine that, the same name and all. Sometimes it bugs me to hear about my sister's best friend and my mom's hairdresser who are both named Allison. I really hope therapy continues to be helpful for you. And I have seen some cute frames, but not recently... I'll look around for you. We have Allison's picture in a stars and moon frame.
~~~~~~~


As for me, the bleeding had finally stopped last week, but it started up again last night. I have another draw first thing tomorrow, and should have the results around 3ish. I'm still trying to be optimistic but it's just getting harder and harder. I guess we'll know something tomorrow. Waiting sucks. Waiting to get pregnant, or waiting for test results, or waiting for that baby to be born, or sometimes waiting to wait. It just sucks.

[myangelsvw]

Kimmie - Ah, I missed your edit. I'm sorry it was a no-go again this month. I know another April due date would be tough, but I also really hope next month does the trick. And I'm going to keep saying that until it happens for you. As for the baton, I think I was supposed to take it, but currently I'm in denial that I'm cycling. I'm not feeling overly positive about our chances. More on that below.

Jen - Wow. Not to be rude to your neighbor, but I hope she moves soon. Or changes her mind about the name or something. That's a little much to handle. Can you have someone tell her about your experience and make sure they mention Jacob's name? That way, at the very least, you'll be able to say "no, I'm sorry, it's too hard for me to come over" without having to explain it all yourself. As for the bad days, don't be too hard on yourself. Your grief is still really really fresh. I don't think I had a single good day until three months out, and although there are more now, they're still outnumbered by bad days almost five months out.

Michelle - Sorry the bleeding came back. Good luck with the beta today. I'm hoping for good results for you.

*************

DH and I had a nice long talk about our FET over the weekend. Basically, we were struggling with whether to transfer two or three embryos. We've always done two in the past (and had one take each time - first time chemical, second time, it split and gave us our boys), but our RE wants us to transfer three this time. While doing three probably does increase the chances that it will work, it also greatly increases the chances of twins. While there's always a risk of twins, we'd really like to minimize that risk since I don't want to try to carry two again if I can help it. And reducing two-to-one is not an option for me at this point. So we agreed to disregard our RE and just transfer two. But consequently, I'm feeling very down about the whole thing and am convinced it won't work. But then, that kind of fits with my whole outlook on life. Mary Sunshine, I am not.

[LDS Angel 19]

Well girls, it didn't work out for us. My numbers are going down. I have an appointment tomorrow to see if I need a D&C or not. I'm mostly just numb right now.

[sophiapb]

Oh no, Michelle, I'm so sorry. I'm so sad for you and your DH. :(

[goldengbridge]

Oh Michelle, My heart is breaking for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Michelle,

That just sucks. I'm so sorry. I was really hoping this was a sticky baby. You'll be in my prayers.

[Happy1]

Michelle I'm so sorry to hear that.:(

Nikki

[Astro]

Michelle I'm so sorry. Tons of hugs, support, and prayers are heading your way for you and your family.

[myangelsvw]

Michelle - I'm so sorry. Even an early loss must be so much worse after the last year. Hope there's no need for a D&C and that you're back to TTC again as soon as you want to be.

[Kimmiebride]

OH Michelle..... I have no words... I am away this week, and just got to check in and hear your news. NOT FAIR, and I am sending you and DH hugs.

I am so sorry for everyone's pain... I am in a funk too, and worried about my health. I have gained a bunch of weight in a short period of time, and think that something is really wrong with my body.

I am working at the photography school this week, and am on my feet and running every minute. No time for eating, and no snacking and still like 6 pounds since Sunday. I have to see my doctor after it's over, but I am feeling kicked while I am down. My brother is not doing great either... scared every minute, and I know that feeling all too well. Now I wish it wasn't wedding season so I could just chill out, and get to the bottom of this!
Gotta run...
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Michelle - just wanted to add my sympathies here as well.

kimmie - you've gained six pounds in a week? Definitely a call to the Dr is in order. Could be thyroid, pcos or any other number of things.

Jen - I agree, sounds like someone needs to step in and run interference with this neighbor. I can't imagine having to deal with all of that.

myangelsvw - I'll be crossing my fingers for the two you did transfer!

Hugs to all that need them right now.

[Sully130]

Michelle - I am so very, very sorry. To anyone a miscarriage is not fair, but to happen to someone who has been through all that you have been through...it's just too much. My thoughts go out to you.

Kimmie- I'm sorry to hear you are in a funk. And it does sound like something could be up. Definitely get yourself checked out. I hope you are feeling better, mind and body, soon.

[myangelsvw]

Kimmie - Now I'm all worried about you again. You have such good instincts about when something isn't right. So, IMHO, if you're concerned, then you should absolutely give someone a call. We need you healthy!

Jenny - Thanks for the crossed fingers, although feel free to relax them for now. We don't get to the transfer for another couple of weeks, and I wouldn't want you getting finger cramps before the crossing really needs to start. ;)

[LDS Angel 19]

Well, the good news is I don't need a D&C. I have one 'large' clot at the top of my cervix but she said she thinks it will move out ok on it's own. I have to go back next week for another draw and then probably one or two more until my beta gets to 0.
We talked about what the plan was for the next few cycles. She wants us to take a least one cycle off, if not two. When i mentioned that we've been trying for nearly a year she said that the year starts over now since we did 'get' pregnant. That was a little annoying. We talked about my irratic cycles and she mentioned drugs to help me O more regularly. She said she wouldn't be against it, but she doesn't see a need yet since we're 'so young' and have managed to conceive twice.

So, right now we're taking a break I guess. I made an appointment to come back in September to talk more about our next steps. We'll take the one cycle off, and then probably just see what happens, If I can control my impluse to grab for the thermometer. who knows, with my body, I may only have one cycle between now and September anyway.

sigh, One step forward, and four steps back.
~~~~~~~~~

Kimmie Yikes. I really hope your dr can get you some answers, and soon.


Thanks everyone for your kind words. This IS hard. It's so different from what we went through before. I mean, we got to hold Allison, we know what she looks like.... now we have to grieve someone we've never met. It's just... strange. And unfair. Really unfair.
Well, I think I'll go check out the Miscarriage Support thread....its just depressing. Two mommy threads for me that have lead to two loss threads...

[Astro]

kimmie Please call your doctor (or a doctor you trust) if you think something is off. You've proven to us and your doctors that you know your body.

Michelle This IS hard. It's so different from what we went through before. I mean, we got to hold Allison, we know what she looks like.... now we have to grieve someone we've never met. It's just... strange. And unfair. Really unfair. It is strange and unfair. I wish those of use who've gone through a late term loss would never have to experience any more losses. It's hard to explain the differences in feelings. We were devastated when we lost our boys in September. We weren't as devastated when we miscarried this spring, but it still hurt and we still needed time to heal. I found the miscarriage thread didn't really apply to me. The women there haven't had the late term loss, so they don't have the baggage (if that makes sense). I'm not saying they have it easier, it's just different. I couldn't relate to their optimism, their sense of needing to just make it past the first trimester. I found more solace and support here, eventhough this thread is about late term loss. Here is where my friends are, here is where the support is. Please feel free to private message me if you'd like. I'm sure I speak for many of us when I say we're here for you and you can vent/post as much as you need/want about the miscarriage. It truly stinks what you're going through.

myangelsvw My DH and I are constantly thinking about you guys. We hope to hear good news from you soon. :)

Hi to everyone else.

As for us, no real news to report. I finally started my first cycle after the miscarriage in the beginning of May. Friday I have to go in for a bunch of tests (including a saline test to check inside). If I pass that, then we might try a FET next cycle.... so it looks like best case is an attempt in August. I'm in a funk that it's taken so long. I'm also convinced there's something wrong inside that they'll find on Friday, so we'll get pushed to October.

[amygrrl]

kimmie - get to the dr! gaining that much in a week just doesn't seem normal unless your butt is glued to the sofa and you are eating krispy cremes 24/7.

Astro - crossing my fingers that all is fine 'inside'. have they done a hysteroscopy? my re prefers those to the saline sonograms b/c she says she can 'clean up' everything while she's in there and she also actually sees the uterus on camera.

michelle - well this just sucks. you would think we'd get a free pass or something at this point.

goldengbridge - we saw a therapist who specializes in infertility and infant loss and it was SO helpful. infact, we keep saying we need to go back to see her again and may do so soon. i'm so weak i probably would have told my husband that we had to move immediately had i had a neighbor pregnant with an avery elizabeth.

myangelsvw - deciding what to transfer is so rough. i find myself thinking about that a lot since we'll be doing an FET in the February - April time frame. we have 3 frozens left and before would totally have transfered 2, but now with the history of preterm labor, the thought of twins totally freaks me out so i'm thinking we might just do 1 at a time.

sully - your little man is so freakin cute! i was just thinking about how similar our paths have been. late term losses and then subsequent pregnancies requiring strict bedrest and now 2 healthy babies!

sophiapb - yeah for finishing up the first trimester! people keep saying malin's hair is going to fall out, but it's only getting thicker and longer and sticking up even more!

~~~~~~~~~~~~
we are doing ok. my plans to return to work part time have been twarted by my evil boss who only wants me back full time. too bad for her since this means i just won't be coming back at all. i've got calls out to a few people and should be able to set up some part time contract work from home in the next month or so. it's also time for me to get hard core about getting into shape for the next pregnancy. i have 6 months to get as fit as possible and lose as much weight as i can. i'm hoping that by doing this, i can avoid the gestational diabetes next time around. i'm taking malin for a 45 minute walk each morning and then trying to get to the gym for more hardcore work outs maybe 3 or 4 days a week. that's probably the best i can do until malin gets a couple of months older and a little less fussy.

i should have done this

[Ericka_Jarett]

Michelle - anytime you want to vent about losing Allison or your miscarriage loss, feel free. We are all here for you and rejoice in the good news and grieve in the bad news. I mentioned your name on the prayer list at church

myangels - I can understand why you stayed here and didn't feel good in the other thread. I have stopped there a few times just to see how a few people were doing.

Kimmie - I hope things get in order with your body. I can only imagine how nuts everything is making you. Hope your brother gets on the road to recovery too.

To everyone else - hi and thinking about you all.

I will be going to NY State tomorrow until Sat or Sunday to visit my mom, get the car inspected and be a bum laying on the couch yet again. I do think I will bring home the sweater, bootie and blanket my mom's friend had made for me. Still can't find the other baby items I have made and with this bedrest I can't go searching for them when I get up there. My dad put them in storage up there for me, but it could be anywhere in 4 places, probably where I wish they weren't since the space is rented out to a guy my dad met, well he is a bit lazy about searching for me. Wish my dad was alive to help find the things now. :( I go up to NY and just seeing all that he built and isn't getting to enjoy, hurts so deeply. He was the type to get things pulled out for me when I asked no matter what the weather.

See you all on Sunday or Monday. Have a good weekend.

[LDS Angel 19]

Astro, I know what you mean. I'm not sure I can relate much in the other thread. But I feel kind of odd talking about it here. It just adds to the overall feeling of being lost.

Ericka, thank you.

[chocolate_truffle]

Hello Ladies,

I haven't been by to post for quite awhile, but I have been reading along. We were in Tucson for SIL/BIL's 15th Wedding Anniversary Extravaganza. Man, was it hot! For the past few years, we chose to skip almost all social events, including family functions. We got tired of pretending everything was fine, just so everyone else would feel okay. I know you girls can relate.

Michelle -- I just wanted to say I'm so very sorry. My heart goes out to you. And, I'd like to smack your doctor. The "you're so young" and "the clock resets itself since you did conceive" comments have me fuming over here. Seriously, "Bedside Manner 101" and "Think Before You Speak: Your Patient is a Person, Not a Textbook Scenerio" should be required courses in medical school.

goldengbridge and -- Ugh. I can't believe the story about your neighbor! Well, actually I can, because I'm convinced the universe has a sick sense of humor and it likes to kick you when you're down.

myangelsvw -- I hope you're having less bad days and more good days. It takes time, lots and lots of time, but there will come a time when the good days will outnumber the bad days, I promise. And, I would be honored if you started a cupcake tradition of your own. :)

Kimmie -- Trust your instincts. If you feel something is off, demand your doctors figure out what it is. Are you still on the blood thinners? Maybe your body is reacting to the rat poison. When I was on blood thinners, I gained 10 pounds in the first month and my hair fell out by the handful. And, I continued to gain weight and lose hair for the entire six months I was on the stuff. Coumadin is evil, I tell you.

Sophiapb -- Yay for the second trimester! I hope the morning sickness has subsided and you are enjoying your second pregnancy.

Amygrrl -- I love, love, love Malin's hair! Good luck with the exercise routine. You're making me feel like a slacker.

Astro -- I'm wishing you good health and hoping August will be your month.

Speaking of August...

Jennylou -- EEEK! You're only about a month away! I'm so excited for you.

And to my fellow August 2005 moms:

Ericka -- I'm keeping you and your little boy in my thoughts.

Sully -- Thomas is simply beautiful.

Hello to anyone I may have missed!

[LyLMyssChaos]

Michelle -- I just wanted to say I'm so very sorry. My heart goes out to you. And, I'd like to smack your doctor. The "you're so young" and "the clock resets itself since you did conceive" comments have me fuming over here. Seriously, "Bedside Manner 101" and "Think Before You Speak: Your Patient is a Person, Not a Textbook Scenerio" should be required courses in medical school.


I just wanted to chime in that I would talk to another doctor in the practice because that particular doctor is VERY clinical and that is one of the reasons I don't particularly care for her. Her bedside manner leaves MUCH to be desired.

[myangelsvw]

Michelle - Just checking in to see how you're doing. Hope the move is keeping you busy and occupying your thoughts a little.

astro - You're very sweet to think about us. Ditto, you know. :) Hope all your testing went well today and that you got the all clear for next month. Waiting to cycle could cause anybody to be in a funk. And in honor of the funk, I'm currently taking orders for Kahlua milkshakes. Want one?

amy - If I had any hope of the single embryo transfer working, I would totally do that! Between our clinic and the male factor issues we have, I just don't think we'd personally get good results at this point. But I do wonder how long it will take clinics to move toward just doing one. It seems like such a good thing in general.

Ericka - Have a good and safe trip.

chocolate - So how was it to start back into the family functions? And, yes, I can relate to avoiding events! I actually was thinking about something similar today. I got a flyer for a block party later this summer. At first I was excited because I don't know most of the folks on our block, and I'd like to be more neighborly. But then, I started thinking about it, and I just don't know if I can do it. Too many questions to answer, too many kids, too much sadness that we won't be holding Vincent and William and introducing them to everyone too. And then I feel sad about being left out on top of everything else.

*****************

So I've been feeling like a fake recently. Like I wasn't really ever pregnant. Like I didn't give birth. Like I'm not a mother. Basically, I've been feeling like I'm making it all up. It's hard to hold on to the reality of the situation when I feel like I'm the only one it's real for. No one else saw the boys. Nobody else held them. Almost no one really even saw me pregnant since it was winter and I never really got that 2nd trimester burst of energy due to the whole twin thing. Anyway, all that makes me I feel like I'm weak for having such a hard time with the situation. And then for some reason today, it hit me again. My children died. I have their photos and their ashes. They didn't just stop having existed. They died. I think it hit me again because I was thinking about the nursery and where I had planned to put the cribs and everything. And it's not just imagining what it would be like to still be pregnant anymore. Now, we're clearly into the stage where I can imagine what it would be like to have them with me. To go on walks or take them to the block party (or, more realistically, to *try* to go out but be completely unable to make it out of the house because there would have been two of them). They should have been a month old right about now. I miss them so much.

[Astro]

myangelsvw kahula milkshakes? YUMMY!!! How about one of those and one Baileys? :D I know what you mean about feeling like you'e making it all up. I was just beginning to show, the night we our boys were born, we had dinner with some friends, and she noticed I was showing. Then it was all over. I still have a hard time going into the nursery, eventhough we hadn't set it up for the boys. Sometimes it seems like a very very very bad nightmare. It's rough right now that summer is here seeing parents out with their babies. I look at the babies and wonder if our boys would be that size if they had lived. Getting past their due date was hard, so is getting past the first summer. I was pregnant last summer, thinking about what I'd do with two little babies. I figured I'd be taking them to the park. I dont' think we'll ever not miss our babies. I think it won't always be so sad, but it will always be a little sad. The way I feel about it is we're sad because we (you guys too!) loved our babies so very much. You loved them, you still love them, you always will. Now where is that shake? :) sending hugs.

Went in for tests today thinking they'd find something wrong. I think I'm in the defeatist mode since nothing has gone right for us. I was pleasantly surprised to hear everything was ok. We'll try a frozen next month provided I pass my day 2 tests at the beginning of the next cycle.

[myangelsvw]

astro - Hooray for the green light. That makes me very happy. :D And I can't believe you were just showing! You must have been such a petite twinmama. Did you take lots of pregnancy pictures? I didn't. Wish I would have. I only have one, taken at around 17 weeks. I was such a behemoth. At my 19 week appointment, OB said I was measuring 30-32 weeks. Would have been fun to see our belly shots side by side. :p

[myangelsvw]

Can I complain briefly? This whole FET thing sucks. Instead of my daily PIO shot, I have to get two a day. Which means that I'll have had 30 freaking PIO shots before my beta. That's twice as many as during a fresh cycle. It's insane. Add in the estrogen and I'm a total wreck emotionally. On the bright side, at least now I get to blame it on the hormones.

[Kimmiebride]

I'll jump in on the bandwagon... this whole thing sucks, doesn't it? Why can we just be like the "normal" people, and get pregnant when we want, and have healthy babies that survive. I am so worn out emotionally from being gone for a week, coming back to pull everything together for my clients, and having some bitchy art director getting snotty with me because I missed her deadline for my stupid f-ing newsletter that I VOLUNTEER to edit, and have for the past 3 years. She's missed the deadline numerous times. I miss it once, and she's an f-ing b!tch about it. Step off chicklet... I am gonna hurt you.

Myangesvw, wishing you luck with all those PIO... they should call them PITA shots. I hope it's all worth it, and you have success!! You've got the baton this lap girl and I am really hoping hard for ya!
Kimmie

[myangelsvw]

Kimmie - You feeling better? Did you ever talk to a doctor? And tell the art director that until she pays you, she hasn't earned the right to complain about your performance. If volunteering were like work, no one would do it. How hard is that to understand.

[Ericka_Jarett]

1st appt of the day - my OB. I waited almost an hour, she said she was going to find out why others were in before me (checked in after me) since I was there at 8:37 for my 8:30 appt, she kept apologizing for the delay and was going to get to the bottom of it. Other than that, she said that I am measuring perfect, my weight was 1 lb down, which was fine, b/p was at 130/80 but she said that was still normal (before I went I took it at home and it was 118/80, so it's havig to wait that made it go up.) Heartbeat sounded great and she said that I was still staying with the every 2 week for a few more weeks until I go to every week. I got my CBC and antibody blood draws today, not too bad only 2 vials, no more shots or draws or anything for 2 more weeks.

My 2nd appt - I swear it was forget Ericka day. I was the first one there for the 1pm rounds, 3 others came in after me and all got called to the desk but me. I just came from the restroom and saw the 3rd lady up there (the other 2 had been called back already) and I said I was the first one here but never called. She asked if I had signed in, said I did and pointed to my name that was crossed off the list already. She had my chart to her right instead of behind her for getting called into the office.

Tech comes in and she didn't say it loud enough, but she wanted to get a urine sample (they never do that at the peri's office with me) so I came back to the room she said did you do a sample, I said I didn't know I had to, and I can't go again since I went just before I went this last time. She had me undress from the waist down (unusal since usually they do the measurements u/s first and than have me get undressed) oh well.

She is looking at the head and spine, h/b was 122 she said that was within range so it was good. Said the heartbeat looked good and than she was going to wipe the gel off. Hubby said you should check the kidneys since I was on Indocin which causes a reduction in the baby's urine output. So she said well I usually wouldn't look for that, but I will try. (Hubby would have had a fit had she not done it after telling her to) She showed us both and said they looked good. She does the vaginal scan and well tells the nurse in the room to get the doctor. I immediately know that's not good news. He comes in looks over my chart, asked how many weeks I am and said your other baby was 24 weeks right. He said well we have 3 weeks on that, so that's good. He proceeded to check and said the cervix was open more inside, but that the outside is still really tight and the ring is holding nicely. He said my cervix is starting to funnel, but the ring is preventing it from opening to the outside. He wants me to come back in 3 weeks for a follow-up. He said the baby is definately growing and he will do measurements at the next u/s to see just how big this little man is. He said he has some weight on him now. He asked how big at the last u/s and I said he was 1 lb 7 oz, he said he is well over 2 lbs now. Around 14.5 inches long, so my ticker is pretty accurate. Hubby asked him about steroid shots and the doctor said he was actually going to suggest them after seeing the next u/s in 3 weeks. Since I will be 30 weeks at that time, he said they will be a greater benefit at that point. So following that u/s he will probably write a script for me to go to the hospital and get the 2 steroid shots. He agrees each week we get the better, so he would like us to get to at least 34 weeks, I told him we would like at least 37, so we are both in agreement about doing what we can to get there and if the steroid shots are going to help, in case we have an early delivery, we are going to do them. My bedrest is a bit stricter now as well.