Support for a late term loss/stillbirth/infant loss - TTC or not, all are welcome

[Kimmiebride]

Oh Astro, thinking of you and hoping it's just too early for the little beans, and you get good news next week. No more crappy days for any of us.

Well, speaking of crappy days... Mine began at 4:10 AM when my DH's stupid alarm which I thought i had turned off blasted away. I got up to go to the bathroom, and coughed a bit, and coughed up some pink stuff. Scared me a lot so I called the advice nurse, and she said to get into the ER ASAP. I drove myself, and called DH, but he didn't have the ringer on for his cell, so couldn't reach him. Called my mom and got her, and made it to the ER. They did another CT scan, and drew some blood. Negative for clots in my lungs so that was huge good news, and means the old clots have resolved too. Blood levels were the highest they have been though, so blood was actually too thin - chocolate truffle would know this... INR was 4.2!! yikes. So we held on my meds tonight and will test again next week. Got out of the ER at 8AM, and went home and called everybody I had alarmed, and DH had called while I was there so I was ok all around. Whew! Luckily I did not cancel my hair appointment, and now am sporting a cute, sassy hair cut and color & highlights. I treated myself! Dang it, it felt good. Thinking of you all tonight!
Kimmie

[jennylou]

I'm sorry for those who had rough days yesterday.

astro - did they see a sac or anything? I only ask b/c I was 6w2d at my first u/s and all we saw was the sac and fetal pole. I hope it's just too early! Thinking good thoughts for you.

kimmie - I hope those Drs figure out what's going on with your body and soon! So much more stress for you to have to endure. :(

michelle - I'm sorry your body is not cooperating. Have you looked into vitex or fertility blend any more? Also, just for peace of mind, you might want your Dr to run some blood work on you. Specifically, LH and FSH. If those numbers are not in a 1:1 ratio, your body isn't normally going to cooperate. Those are good tests to start with, though I know you've already had the HSG. Hugs to you.

It's amazing how true colors really shine through when you're in the midst of grief. After Andrew died, many of my family came to visit. Who does things like open the baby Q-tips (that weren't even in the bathroom!) because the Q-tips were out. I mean, wouldn't you ask the hosts if they have any more? Or, who goes around insisting that we'll BBQ - after repeatedly being told that we don't have a BBQ. Those were both my Step mother. We won't even talk about my father and his taking my car while drinking - even though I repeatedly said I didn't want him driving it if he was drinking. The response: he's not as drunk as he normally is when he drives.:eek:

[myangelsvw]

I'm not looking forward to this weekend. Tomorrow was supposed to be our second and final "multiples" class. Sunday was supposed to be our shower, which, of course, no one was ever even invited to. Between those and birthdays and due dates and trimester markers and conception dates and such, I feel like sooner or later every day of the year will have some grief-laden meaning.

Kimmie - I'm sorry to hear all the medical stuff is *still* going on. Those docs have really got to get their acts together. But I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the pampering.

astro - Sorry that the maybe-pregnant limbo has dragged on like it has. I hope you get an answer -- and preferrably a good one -- very soon.

Michelle - I think I'm officially the party-pooper. Sorry. :o

kalogrias - Glad you had a good talk with your husband. Was it comforting to know that he understands better now?

[chocolate_truffle]

Hello ladies. I just wanted to stop by and offer my support to those of you who are having a tough time.

myangelsvw -- I'm so sorry. The first year really is the toughest. There were so many days I found myself saying, "Well, this is what I should have been doing today." Then I'd get angry and sad and wonder if I would ever be able to work through my grief. It takes time, a lot of time, but I promise you will be able to work through it. You should do something for yourself this weekend -- go out to eat, see a movie, get a manicure or pedicure. It pales in comparison to what you should have been doing, but your boys would want you to take care of yourself and your spirit.

Astro -- I'm thinking positive thoughts for you. We were never able to see anything on ultrasound until 7 weeks, so I'm hoping it's just too early for you as well.

LDS Angel 19 -- I'm sorry your body isn't cooperating. My menstrual cycles are irregular to non-existant, so I can sympathize. I'm with jennylou on the bloodwork. I'd have a full panel run -- FSH, LH, glucose, thyroid, prolactin, etc. Once you know what is going on with your body, then you can treat it and get your cycles on track. We must be some of the only women on the planet who actually pray for AF to arrive, huh? :rolleyes:

Kimmie -- Ugh, coumadin is such a PITA to dose. It's different for everyone, and there are so many food and drug interactions to worry about. Your INR was 4.2! :eek: No wonder you saw blood in the sink. It took us months to iron out my coumadin routine. First, I alternated between 3mg and 5mg, but that was too much. Then it was just 3mg, but that was too little. Who am I, Goldilocks? We started doing 4mg on Mondays and Thursdays, and 3 mg the rest of the week, but it still wasn't quite right (my INR would fluctuate between 1.6 and 3.4). For the last month, I've been doing 4mg on Mondays and 3mg the rest of the week, and my INR is finally between 2.5 and 3.0. As soon as I'm done with this crap, the first thing I'm going to do is eat a giant salad -- I miss green vegetables!

Good for you on the new cut and color. I'm a firm believer in taking the time to pamper yourself. Good hair can do wonders for your self-esteem.

kalogrias -- I'm glad you and your DH had a productive discussion. It always helps to be on the same page. When are you moving to Korea?

Amygrrl and jennylou -- You know, sometimes family can be a lot like neighbors and co-workers ... would any of us choose to associate with them unless it were absolutely necessary? :p

My MIL is the problem in our family -- everything is always about her. DH was in a terrible car accident when he was sixteen. He was hospitalized with a cracked pelvis and lacerations all over his body from the shattered glass. But, it was all about MIL. Even though her son could have died, she was upset because he didn't apologize for wrecking her car.

When DH and I were first engaged, MIL had a total meltdown. We were over at their house watching movies one night, when all of a sudden she ran out of the house and onto the front porch and started screaming, "You're taking my son away!" When we tried to leave, because she was obviously too irrational to deal with, she sat on the hood of my car to prevent us from going. I'm sure the neighbors appreciated the theatrics.

When we were pregnant with Sabrina, she would call to see if "there was anything wrong with the pregnancy." She has a gift with the English language, no? And, I've already shared how she behaved when we lost Sabrina. Is it any wonder we limit the time we spend with her? I really should save my MIL stories for the ES threads. :)

If I don't check back, have a nice weekend, ladies.

[Kimmiebride]

Too beat for shouts today... spent all day cleaning my studio, which is great cuz now it's ready for amygrrl's baby portrait session :P

It is four months today. Almost longer without him than I had with him. I can relate to myangelsvw - it seems like many days are marked with some reminder of our grief. So glad my DH is coming home tomorrow. It's way to quiet around here. Off to bed...
Kimmie

[amygrrl]

Kimmiebride - it sucks you have to be going through all of this. it's getting close to a year since we lost avery. i wish i could tell you that it gets easier with time and/or with a new baby on the way. but it hasn't for us. the emotions for each child are seperate and time doesn't heal all wounds. we both still have crying jags multiple times a week. for us, all time has done is allow us to put all that pain into a little pandor's box. we lug that box everywhere with us and at any moment with even the smallest reminder, it can pop open. time just gives us the ability carry it a little better... if that makes sense.

and yes, we are SO looking forward to the portraits!

chocolate_truffle - aren't MILs the problem in every family? :)

myangelsvw - it does feel that way for a long time. i think you just get better at incorporating that sadness into your personality. like we know we are different people now and time has allowed us to get to the point where we embrace it. while we hate what we went through losing our daughter, we are grateful for the changes in us that occured b/c of it (even the underlying sadness we carry) b/c she was responsible for that. and to us, that validates her short little life and gives it meaning.

jennylou - how many times have we talked about this? it still astonishes me how people so close to you can be so insensitive and virtual strangers can be so caring.

astro - thinking only good thoughts for you.

~~~~~~~
since our induction date is april 5th and we are just a week and 1/2 from there, i'm making dan take me to avery's tree when he gets home this evening. it's been almost 6 weeks since we've been there b/c of the hospital and bedrest and i miss going there so much. maybe i'll pack us a picnic and we can sit there and have dinner.

[Astro]

cross-posted update...

went in for another u/s today at 7 weeks. They saw nothing but an empty sac, so sent us for a more detailed u/s. The detailed u/s showed the same thing. Looks like we'll be miscarrying in the next week.

non-cross-posted details. I'm going to go back to kimmie's for more of a virtual party. Anyone else want to join me?

[Ericka_Jarett]

So sorry to hear that Astro.

[jennylou]

astro - I'm sorry. :(

Jessie - I'm thinking about you today. I hope it was a peaceful day for you.

[Kimmiebride]

Astro NOOOOOOOO! Sweetie, I am so sorry. Here have some virtual hugs and a gallon of your favorite virtual ice cream.

I am just hanging in there... so exhausted all the time, which was fine when I was pregnant, but now I am tired of feeling like a truck ran over me. The cleaning ladies just left, and the place is so nice... I am gonna be broke, but I am gonna be living the clean life.
Gotta get some work done before DH gets home...
hugs,
Kimmie

[Bubbas]

Astro - I am so sorry!!!

[sophiapb]

I'm sorry, Astro. :(

[LDS Angel 19]

So sorry, Astro.
~~~~

Time to mix up some more vitual margaritas... I could use one.

[chocolate_truffle]

Astro -- I'm so sorry.

[Sully130]

I'm so very sorry Astro. It's just not fair.

[sophiapb]

Hey Sully! How are you and the bambino doing?

[amygrrl]

astro - i'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

[myangelsvw]

astro - I'm so sorry. I hope your next pregnancy brings strong betas and a healthy baby. But for today, I've got chocolate chip cookies with your name written on them. In cream cheese frosting.

chocolate truffle - I didn't read your advice until after my weekend was over, which was a shame. I totally needed that manicure you suggested. But many thanks to you and Kimmie for letting me know that it's normal to see reminders everywhere. It does make me wonder sometimes *how* exactly it can ever get easier. But everyone says it does, so I guess it must.

amygrrl - I'm gonna be out of town until your big day. So since I won't be here, I wish you a wonderful healthy birth next week.

**************

Quick question for everyone who got pictures from the hospital. Were you disappointed at all? I picked mine up this week, and I don't think they're very good. In fact, I find them pretty hard to look at. Which of course I feel horribly guilty about. But the boys looked so peaceful when I saw them, and the pictures don't capture that. I really wish we'd taken our own pictures. :(

[Kimmiebride]

Myangelsvw, I still find it hard to look at the photos from the hospital. I have thought of scanning them in and turning them black & white. I am very grateful they took them though, as it's something that makes Robert even more real. No one else has looked at them, not even my DH. He's the only one I would share them with if he ever wants to see them. Don't feel guilty. Be gentle with yourself, ok?

I just volunteered for a project called Moment By Moment. They send professional photographers to hospitals, hospice homes and home health settings to photograph children in their end stages of life. I shared my story with them, and told them I am not really strong enough for baby assignments at this point, but knowing how precious those photos are to me, I want to be involved. They work with children of all ages with many different conditions. The goal is to provide the family with images. They may never look at them, or they may share them with the world. It was a very emotional experience going through the training a couple of days ago. Not sure when I will get my first assignment, but I am sure it won't be easy, but it will be rewarding and a good way to give back for the things I have been given as a photographer.
love to you all,
Kimmie

[Astro]

myangelsvw thanks for the cookies. they sound fantastic. As for pictures. The hospital took two pictures of us holding our boys. Although I'm very thankful for having those pictues, since we don't have any others; the pictures don't look at all like I remember our boys. Our boys looked peaceful and perfect. They don't look like that in the picture. Their skin is all blotched (bruised), very odd looking, and we find it difficult to look at. We might try to scan them and change it to black and white. Hopefully that'll help.

kimmiebride Moment by Moment sounds like a fantastic thing to do. I bet it'll be very very emotional and difficult, but you'll be giving a priceless treasure to the families. I think you'll be great at it.

As for us, we're doing ok. I'm frustrated about what happened and annoyed that it sets us back a few months yet again, but hopefully we'll try again this summer.

[LDS Angel 19]

I just wrote a pretty large post and my computer ate it....blar.

I feel the same way about our picture of Alli. It was taken about 10 hours after she died and her skin was wrinkly and her hands were purple. It breaks my heart to look at it. But it's all I have.

Not much going on here. I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I finally got into counseling. It's going well, I had my third session today.
Nothing else is going on with me. Still waiting for AF (CD 57) and feeling very frustrated.

The Spring weather has started to show up around here, which is nice, but it's hard to enjoy sometimes.

Oh and Kimmie, that sounds like a wonderful oppertunity for you. I hope it goes well and I wish you strength for the difficult moments.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Kimmie - that sounds like a great opportunity.

Me - went for the 3 hour GTT 2 weeks ago, got the results, I failed it. Now on a GD diet and have to check my blood sugar 4 times a day once I get my meter in. My OB appt went well. Doctor couldn't get the heartbeat on the doppler again (I'm 12w 4d) so she turned on the u/s machine and we saw the baby just lying there (apparently sleeping) she started to push a little harder, jiggle my stomach a little and say come on baby move for me. As soon as she did that, the baby jumped and started moving it's arms up and down and than did a flip. Still couldn't hear the heartbeat as the machine is older than dirt. (grainy pics on the screen so I couldn't get a pic to post.)

[LDS Angel 19]

just wanted to bump us up and let Amy know I'm thinking of her and sending prayers that her induction tomorrow goes well.

Ericka, good luck with the diet.

[Kimmiebride]

Just dropping in to let everyone know amygrrl had Malin last night!
She called me at about 2:30 this morning and sounded great. There were some complications and Amy wound up having a C-section. Malin will need to spend a few days in the NICU because they think she has an infection. I'll be back later with anything new that I hear!

From Suzlywoozly in the other thread... I am thinking if Amy too, and was pleased to read that Malin is here. Sending her good vibes that the infection clears quickly, and Amy and Malin are home soon! much love Amy!!!

Ericka, sorry about the GD so early, but sounds like you have a good handle on working it out.

To all my friends, hoping for a gentle time...

Rant warning... I am so pissed at my medical team right now I can't even speak. My INR was the highest it has ever been (4.7) last Thursday, and so they made me go without medicine... so now it has dropped into the danger zone again big time. They seem to just be random about stuff (didn't they read my chart and know the last time they made me go without I dropped like a rock and ended up with a new clot in my other healthy lung???) I made them call my hemotologist. I am waiting for them to call back. If I get another clot, I am going to be so pissed with their nonchalant attitude about my life. Come on people... patients DIE from this crap all the time - like 600,000 a year - more than breast cancer and AIDS combined. It is nothing to take lightly. They don't seem to even think of how this is affecting me and MY LIFE. If I had a real job, I never would have been able to work... luckily for me I work for myself, and didn't take weddings for this time frame since I was supposed to be having a baby any day now. Very bitter. Indeed. Angry? you bet!!! Seeing the psych on Thursday. Poor guy... he doesn't know what he's in for...

end of rant...
Kimmie

[LDS Angel 19]

:eek: Wow, Malin is here! Yay!

[Astro]

amy Congratulations on Malin's arrival. :)

kimmie I'm so sorry your Dr's are such putzes (completely misspelled). I think your rant is rather mild compared with how nonchallant they appear to be. Don't they realize if they keep ticking you off, they'll tick us all off. Not a good idea. :) We could all come down there and kick some serious butt. It'd be kind of nice to have somewhere to direct the anger. :p

[Ericka_Jarett]

Congrats Amy and Welcome Malin!

Me - went to see the perinatalogist today. Got an u/s, baby is measuring right on target. Got new info about what may have actually caused Rebekah's passing. I have another u/s in 3 weeks, than another 2 weeks later and than 2 weeks later. (16,18 and 20 weeks)
More info is in my journal.

[jennylou]

One of the September mommas just lost her baby over the weekend - she was 18+ weeks along.:(

Today is the funeral - please keep the family in your thoughts.

Kimmie - Your Dr's are so awful! I'm sorry you're having to STILL go through this crap on top of everything else!

Amy - Ack, congrats! I can't wait to see pictures of baby Malin! I hope you are healing well. :)

Ericka - sorry about the GD, but glad they caught it early. I'm going to stop by your journal and check out the new info they have.

pictures - I am lucky in the fact that we do have pictures of Andrew. The unfortunate part is we have none of him facing forward, nor do we have any with his daddy (who was busy TAKING the pictures). If that's the one PSA I can give to anyone it's to make sure they take lots of pictures of their newborns. We do have a hospital picture that was taken hours after his death. It's so awful, so I know what you ladies mean about those pictures.

[goldengbridge]

Not really ready but here goes..

I lost my sweet baby Jacob on Monday. I started bleeding on Sunday and went to the hospital. They tried really hard to find a heartbeat through u/s but he was gone. They told me that i'd have to labor and deliver him I thought I die. They induced me at 10pm on Sunday night and at 4:24 am on Monday April 3rd, my sweet Jacob was born. I was 18w 4d. He was beautiful and was born with a smile on his face as if to say, i'm ok mom, don't worry, i'm ok. That is the thing i'll never be able to get over, his smile when i saw him. They said he'd been gone for about a week already. We buried him this morning. I cant beleive i had to bury my baby. He never did anything to anyone. I cant understand this, i cant even function right now. I know one day Iwill be ok but I cant see that happening anytime soon. I've got a 19 month old who is the love of my life so I know i need to be somewhat "ok" for him but I am just broken. I'm empty. Just dont know where to go from here.

I am so sorry for all of your losses. this is definately not a club anyone wants to be in.

Jen

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jen - Again I am so sorry for your terrible loss. Glad you came over to this thread though. Take all the time you need to grieve, don't let others say get over it or move on, if a special memory makes you smile, don't think you can't smile, enjoy that moment. This was your child and just like anyone that has lost a child, no matter what age, you need time to just mourn over the loss. Whenever you need to vent, be angry or upset, we are here to listen and will give you virtual hugs. This ladies are great and I have appreciated all the words I got over the last almost yr of having to be a member of this particular thread.

HUGSSSSS!!!!!

[Sully130]

My heart sank when I read Jenny's post about a September mom suffering a loss.

Jen, I'm so sorry you have need to find us, but I'm glad you did. I'm so very sorry you are going through this. What a bittersweet memory to have of your precious Jacob smiling. The loss of a child is something no one should ever have to endure and there is no quick remedy for getting through it. Just take it one moment at a time and know that you are not alone. Your friends and family may not understand you or know how to talk to you...but you are not alone. I wish you peace. Feel free to come in here and talk about it all you need to.

Amy - Not sure when you'll be checking in, but congratulations on the birth of Malin! I know you are so thankful that is one struggle that has finally come to an end. I can't wait to see a picture of her!

Pictures - I have a few that the hospital took and I don't think anyone has ever seen them but me. She looked so much better in person. The pictures aren't how I want to remember her. I took some pics with our camera and I had my DH take a picture of me holding her all swaddled in the blanket. That one is my favorite...I'm just looking at her and you can't really see her at all. That's what I prefer to remember...the love I felt/feel for her. My DH doesn't like to see them and I respect that completely. He never held her either.

[Astro]

jen I am so very sorry to hear about Jacob's death. You are correct in that this is a definitely a club you'd never want to have to join, but I hope you'll find it as supportive as most of us have. Please feel free to vent away in here, say whatever you want. Nothing you say will surprise us. We've all gone through very similar emotions. Take care of yourself and know we are all here when and if you need us.

[Kimmiebride]

Jen... so sad for the loss of your son Jacob. It's just the most unbelievable thing to lose your child. I am glad for you that you were able to hold him and see him and remember his smile. You will always treasure that and carry it in your heart. Please know that you are not alone, even when you feel so incredibly empty and sad. This bunch of ladies are the best support group I have had. We are here for you and we are grieving with you. I lost my son Robert at 18w3d.
Take care everyone!
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Jen - I'm sorry that you've been forced into our club. The other ladies are spot on though - this is a supportive group and nothing you say will shock us.

amy posted on lj so I'm sure she'll be over to update here soon.

Sully - how are you doing?

Question for those who are further along than I am or who have already had their rainbow babies....how did you deal with people asking you if you were excited about the baby? I mean, yes, I'm excited - but honestly, it's not the excitement I had with Andrew. There's a fear mixed in there. I feel like people don't understand why I'm not giddy about the baby. Some pry further - like an OB nurse last week. She works midnights at our hospital. I'm sure she went back and figured out who I was.

[LDS Angel 19]

Jen, I'm so sorry. You're right, babies shouldn't have to die. I still struggle with the "why" part of it 10 months later. I hope you have some close family and friends that are helping you out, maybe someone to watch Andrew sometimes when you just need time for yourself. And don't rush yourself in trying to get 'better'. Everyone grieves in thier own time. Do what feels right for you.
We're here for you whenever you need us, we'll always listen.

(((((HUS)))))

Michelle

[BrownEyedGirl]

I would like to tell you all that I am very sorry for all of your losses. I don't really belong here, but I need advice. My co-worker (male) had a baby 34 days ago...she was only 25 weeks. She had been doing very well this last week and they thought she would be off the vent and breathing on her own. Today he just found out that she is septic, and the outlook is grave at best. So my question for you is, Is there anything that I, or any of us at work, can do for them? I feel terrible for them and I hate seeing him go through this. So, what's best. Do I ask him about it, do I skirt around the subject and never bring it up, do I tell him how sorry I am? Should we send flowers, food, something else? I don't know anyone that this has happened to so I don't know what's best to do for them. The last thing I want to do is cause any more unwanted grief.

If anyone feels this doesn't belong in this thread, just let me know and I will remove it, I just wasn't sure where else to ask.

Thank you all very much.

[Sully130]

BrownEyedGirl- I'm glad you asked. Whatever you do, don't say nothing. More than anything, these people need to know that people on the outside are thinking of them and hoping for the best for their precious daughter. Send them a card or give them a call. Offer to do anything they need. Bring them food, mow their grass, offer to run an errand for them. Just let them know that you are there for them.

Their daughter is still alive and she still has a chance. If God forbid she doesn't make it, they will need your support more than ever. And I appreciated it more when someone said the wrong thing than when someone said nothing at all. That was so painful...to have people act like nothing had happened, as if my daughter's life meant nothing, or didn't exist.

I wish the very best for them and hope she can pull through.

[Kimmiebride]

BrownEyedGirl, people did the kindest things when I lost my son... even little things were so appreciated. Someone brought us food, many people sent flowers and mentioned our son by name, which was so beautiful. I did have a few people who I thought I was close to who said and did nothing... it cut to the bone, and unfortunately those relationships have really gone by the wayside. It's great that you want to help... follow your heart, and know that it will mean the world to them in this time of need. I hope she pulls through!!

I went to the shrink today... not really what I expected at all. He was nice, and I talked a bit, but it was mostly an informational session. I left with an anxiety management hand out, and a bottle of prozac. Has anyone taken this type of med to deal with anxiety? I am not depressed, but the anxiety is really tough to deal with sometimes. My biggest worry is that the prozac will just deaden me and I will lose my creativity as an artist, which would NOT be good obviously. My client's booked me to photograph their weddings and sessions because I can deliver... if this drug changes me profoundly, then I can't see taking it. Part of me is torn, since it would be nice to be rid of the paralyzing anxiety, and try to let my body heal itself from this clotting mess, but I am not willing to give up the thing that brings me true joy - my photography and album design career. I was very clear that if I did take it, it would only be for a few months, until we TTC again.

Any advice you ladies have would be greatly appreciated.
Kimmie

[BrownEyedGirl]

Thank you! My first response would be to not say anything and let him talk when he wanted to. I'm really glad to know that that isn't necessarily the best course. I've never been good with death of any kind.

If you could keep Elizabeth (his little girl) in your prayers, she's hanging on by a thread, and I'm hoping she can pull through this too.

Thank you again for your help.

Kimmie I did a search about Prozac and Anxiety and it looks like it is used a lot for anxiety as well as depression, OCD, bulemia, and more. You could call your MD and ask him/her about side effects and possible alternatives.

[jennylou]

kimmie - I'm not sure exactly about prozac, but a few people have started the "happy pills" (as they term them) on my FLs and they seem to have really turned a corner as a result of being on them.

browneyedgirl - Maybe the people at work could send a card and some food? When people asked if we needed anything, I know we were just so overwhelmed with everything that we would just tell people no. But there were many people who just came and showed up - with deli trays, with food, with a cleaning crew, etc. I never would have asked people (that's just not me), but it was truly appreciated when they just did something. And I agree with the others - don't not say anything - that hurts the most!

[Ericka_Jarett]

browneyed - People from my church brought us food for about a week. It was really nice and some came to visit, while others sent a card if they didn't attend the baby's funeral (praying your friend's baby makes it) Her funeral was on a Saturday so the Pastor said you guys take it easy and stay home and relax asa couple tomorrow, I will ask people to not call you for at least a day or 2.

[myangelsvw]

Jen - I'm so very sorry about the loss of Jacob. It's so unfair that all our babies didn't get their shot at life. And it's equally unfair that we have to be moms of babies that didn't live. I don't have any good advice on how to get through this -- I'm still crying every day -- but I do know that this thread has been a comfort. Just having others to say "yep, that's how I felt too" has been a big help. As for being "ok" for your oldest son, I can't be of any use since Vincent and William were my only children. But I think there were some suggestions in Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. It can be a hard book to read, but I thought it was really good, and it might be useful to you.

Kimmie - I totally understand your concern about the prozac. I still haven't filled my zoloft prescription. I go back and forth. Sometimes I think that the depression and anxiety and such are normal expressions of grief and don't require medication. Other times I think if there's a way to make this a little bit easier, why the hell not. But I flip flop frequently enough that I'm not taking it. I'm also still pretty much hiding from the world. If I had more in the way of responsibilities, I'd probably reconsider. Even then, I agree that it's more a temporary "reset" than a permanent thing. Oh, and I wasn't here to comment on the continued medical incompetence. Is there another practice you could go to? Just seems like they're not taking appropriate precautions to keep you healthy. Which is not cool.

BrownEyedGirl - I heartily endorse the suggestions of food. That was by far the most useful thing folks did for us. I couldn't even think about what to eat, so just having reasonably healthy stuff around was great. I also think offering your co-worker the chance to talk about his daughter is crucial. Lots of time, nobody really talks to the father. I can't tell you how many people asked *me* how my husband was doing and said nothing at all to him. He may not want to talk, but letting him know that he *can* if he wants to is really important.

jenny - Sorry I can't give any input. I can only imagine how hard all those questions must be. Maybe I'll just hide in my house when the time comes for us.

**************

So AF showed for the first time while DH and I were out of town. Good news, I suppose. We'll probably "try" this month although with our fertility issues, there's not much chance of getting pregnant. I need to call the RE to see about getting a consult to discuss next steps. We're hoping to start in June.

[LDS Angel 19]

Kimmie On the Prozac, I really don't know. I'm usually agianst drugs in most cases, but part of me thinks it couldn't hurt to just give it a try. I hope you figure out what will work best for you.

BrownEyedGir Everyone else has given you great advice, I don't have much to add. I'm keeping Elizabeth in my prayers.

myangelsvw Glad to see you back. I hope you can talk to your RE and they can offer you some good options.


Me: AF FINALLY decided to show, after 61 days. I'm quite glad actually. I'm ready to move on to a new cycle. So just hanging out on CD 3, and trying to convice DH to let me order some OPKs.
Therapy is going ok, no talk of meds for me yet but I feel it may be coming. We'll see I guess.

Wishing everyone a gentle day....

[sophiapb]

Jen-Omigosh, sweetie, I'm so sorry about your precious Jacob. It's an awful thing to lose a child and I hate that it does happen. Please don't rush into anything. Take your time, sob when you feel like it and accept any and all help and sympathy when offered to you. When you are feeling a little stronger, read through this thread and sob along with the rest of us. It hurts like hell but it's sooooo cathartic. I always felt better after I read other people's stories. It made me feel less alone and allowed me to see the healing process. Please come here whenever you need a good cry, a sympathetic shoulder or some place to vent. We are here for you. By the way, it was so wonderful that Jacob came out with a smile. He must have loved every second of his 18+ weeks with you and was letting you know.

BrownEyedGirl-I agree with what everyone else here says with one little exception. I personally HATED the flowers. They were one more thing that would die. Even now I shudder when I think about tossing out the dead stems. The biggest thing for us were people that came with food. I had no strength to cook anything and no appetite but when presented with food I would eat and feel so much better. Don't ask if they want it, just show up and drop it off. No need to visit or make chitchat because they probably aren't up for it but feed them! It makes such a difference. I hope that everything is okay given that you wrote your message yesterday and I will pray for Elizabeth (that would have been my DD's name if her brother had survived).

Kimmie-I was on a Prozac for a while and I did feel 'deadened" by it. Like I still felt sorrow and grief but didn't care. I personally didn't like it. However, it does act differently on different people. If you feel like you need it, I would suggest trying it for a week or so. It takes a few days to get into your system so don't expect immediate results. Sorry that the therapist wasn't too helpful.

Thrilled to hear that Malin arrived and I keep checking back here hoping for some happy updates.

Hope everyone else is well. I'm fighting a stomach virus so I'm lounging at home. Hoping it clears up for the weekend. :)

Edited because I can't spell.

[Kimmiebride]

Thanks to everyone for the advice on the drugs. I really was leaning toward not taking it, and now I feel even more strongly against it. I am not willing to lose my positivity in exchange for some possible moments of reprieve from the anxiety. Quite frankly, it's just not THAT bad, though I am much more emotional because my due date is approaching. I don't need to be protected from that... It's something I must go through, just like all the other experiences associated with this terrible loss.

Sophia, hope your tummy feels better, and LDS and myangelsvw... glad AF finally decided to show. Good luck to all of you who are trying for or are pregnant with your rainbow baby! I am really looking forward to being cleared for take off myself.
hugs,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

sophia brings up a great point about the flowers and them dying. OTOH, plants are nice, but I still feel like a failure everytime something dies on me (those big planters full of different plants - guess I just don't know how to take care of them all).

[Ericka_Jarett]

I agree with Sophia and Jenn. Stay away from plants and flowers. I got 2 arrangements of houseplants, also got one when my dad passed. All 3 are dead. The one from my dad's passing died about a yr after my dad. The ones from Rebekah died about 6 months later.

[goldengbridge]

Hi Girls

Re: the meds. I've been taking Xanex-the lowest dose since tuesday- just to sleep and its helping. It makes me really tired so i cant take it during the day because i've got a 19month old to chase after.

Jacob's funeral was beautiful. I didn't look up once because I was hysterical but from what I heard it was beautiful. We lost it when we saw his casket. That is something no one should ever have to see. We released baby blue balloons into heaven. Everyone let theirs go except me. My grandma said to me "You have to let go" Yeah right, its that easy, right. I'll never let go. It rained and snowed the whole way to the cemetary and when the ceremony started the sky opened up and the sun shone so bright. My baby telling me that one day the sun will shine again. I hope so anyway. DH went back to work Thursday so thurs and fri were really hard. Unforuntately i dont have a very supportive family so it was just me and DS. My mom actually sat at Jacob's funeral bitching about how her $80 flowers didnt get delivered. Just like her. She doesnt have a supportive bone in her body. Its a shame.

I cried and cried on thurs. It was supposed to be my level II. That was the day that they should have told me that he was perfect. He was perfect. He was my shot at a healthy baby. My 19 month old was born with a half of a heart. He was born not breathing and flown to Philadelphia at 2 hours old. He crashed on the helicopter and thank god they revived him. He has his first open heart surgery at 2 days old and then his second at 4 months. He has his heart cath next fri in preperation for his 3rd and god willing his LAST open heart surgery. I didnt hold him till he was 10 days old. I had big dreams for Jacob. I dreamed every night of being handed a healthy baby after delivery and actually leaving the hospital with a baby this time. It was hell leaving the hospital on tues morning. I wonder, will i ever leave that hospital with a baby in my arms.

Day by day. Andrew deserves the best and hes got a lot of things coming up at the end of this week. I've got to try to give him my best because he deserves it. I need my faith so bad right now to get me through but i just cant find it. I prayed every night for Andrew to be healthy for 9 months and he wasnt. I prayed for 5 months that Jacob would be healthy and ok. And although he was healthy (i had a ton of u/s) he got tangled in his cord and died. we've been through some damn much with Andrew. I cant understand it.And if one more person tells me that its Gods will or that god doesnt make mistakes i'm going to scream. And "Dont worry, you'll have another one" Like having another baby would replace Jacob in some way. I'd rather people say nothing that stupid stuff.

This really sucks.

[jennylou]

Jen - you are right - it does suck! I remember being were you were, in regards to faith, dealing with parents, etc. Amy and I went through our losses within weeks of each other and it was amazing to me how similiar things happened (like people sticking their big fat feet in their mouths!).

I hate, hate, hate when people tell me it was God's will, or that God must have a plan, etc. The kindest thing someone told me was from a mother who lost a teenage son, she said to me "No mother should have to feel what you're feeling". And that was it, then she gave me a big hug. But, she let me know that it was okay to feel however I needed to feel. And I knew that the feelings of confusion, rage, sadness, etc were all normal because she said that to me.

Don't worry, you'll have another. Ack. The other was, don't worry, at least you know you can get pregnant. Yes, thanks, did you know we used FERTILITY DRUGS? Or, don't worry, you're young, you'll have more - um, that's supposed to help me, how? And, no, I'm not that young damn it - my 18 year old sister that was due a month after me was young damn it - I felt old to be having my first baby!

Take all the time you need to grieve your baby. Katie (who is somewhere around CC though I don't think she's posted here) told me something someone told her after she lost her twins. You'll get through it, but you'll never get over it. And you don't have to.

[chocolate_truffle]

Hello Ladies. It's been awhile since I stopped by.

Jen -- I am so sorry for your loss.

IMO, it's perfectly within reason to question God or have a crisis of faith when you lose a child. Believe me, it's the first thing I'll be discussing with God when I see him. It's been nearly three years since I lost my first daughter to a cord accident, and I'm still working through my issues with God. In fact, we didn't have our second daughter baptized (much to my MIL's displeasure), because I didn't feel comfortable doing it while my relationship with God is up in the air, so to speak. If Brynna wants to be baptized, it will be her decision to make, because her mother will probably still be working on healing her relationship with God.

And, don't feel bad about taking Xanax. My DH took Xanax for a few weeks after we lost Sabrina, because his anxiety caused severe chest pains. He stopped using it when he felt like he could handle things on his own. Me -- I asked for a refill or two on the Ambien and Darvocet to take the edge off.

I wish you continued strength as you grieve for Jacob and care for Andrew during his upcoming heart surgery.

BrownEyedGirl -- The other ladies have given you some excellent advice, and I don't really have anything new to add. You are very kind to be thinking of what you can do to help your co-worker and his wife while their daughter is in the NICU.

Jennylou -- I love the "rainbow baby" term. With regard to your question, we told people we were "cautiously optimistic" anytime they asked about our feelings toward the pregnancy. Were we happy and excited? Absolutely, but our emotions were tempered because our innocence was gone.

Kimmie -- Your doctors suck! If I were you, I might be tempted to take the Prozac just to deal with their incompetence. It's time to switch practices and find people who know how to treat you.

Ericka -- Ugh! GD stinks! I had it with my first pregnancy and was borderline with my second pregnancy, so I am quite familiar with the food restrictions and testing four times a day. Both times, I found myself eating a lot of toast with peanut butter. It makes a good breakfast and afternoon snack. Good luck with the GD diet.

myangelsvw and LDS --Good luck with this cycle!

Sophia -- I hope you kicked the stomach virus.

And finally, a big congratulations to Amy and welcome Malin!

[amygrrl]

i'm sorry it's taken me a few days to get here to really post. this week has been such a roller coaster. i'm working on writing the birth story, but here are the highlights which might explain why we are so wiped out.


monday am went to l&d b/c malin's heartrate on my home doppler had a deceleration
dr saw nothing wrong with malin, but since i was scheduled for induction wed am, they decided to go ahead and induce
started dialated 4-5 and with pitocin went to 9. didn't have an epidural during this time and honestly wasn't in much pain. weird, i know. we were super excited that i might go all the way with no pain meds.
once i was around 9, anestesiology came in and suggested an epi, not for pain, but in case of need for emergency c-section. given previous stillbirth, my history of arythmias, gestational diabetes and malin being 2.5 weeks early. we agreed to the epi, since we figured it wouldn't be in long anyway since i was already at 9.
got the epi. for unrelated reasons after epi, malin's heart rate started to dip down to 60-80 during contractions
i freaked out. decels lasted only 10 seconds or so so dr said it was normal
at some point, was talking to dr about possibility of c-section and decels started lasting 30-45 seconds. dr said it was my choice, but due to my effacement, i may not be pushing for an hour or more
told the dr to do the csection. i was freaking at this point and just wanted her out.
went for emergency csection.
malin came out and was limp. initial apgar was 1
was told later that they put in a breathing tube due to her trouble breathing and did chest compressions as her heartrate was low
however, by the time they got her to the nicu (less than 5 minutes) she was screaming like a banshee
malin weighed in at 5 pounds 10 ounces
due to rough start and unknown causes, they kept her in the nicu until thursday. most likely cause in this scenerio would be infection, so they ran a course of antibiotics but could find no definitive signs of infection.
thursday they released her to our room.
she is jaundiced and spent friday under the bili lights and has a bili blanket at home
she's a bit too small to breastfeed as my nipples are flat/ inverted but we are pumping and hope to get her on the breast in a few weeks when she gets a bit bigger...


so i'm sure you all can understand how we have been on one heck of a ride over the last week... she was a miracle at conception when were told we couldn't conceive without more IVF... she was a miracle when we held off preterm labor for 6+ weeks... and her entry into the world and survival of birth is a miracle itself. we are beside ourselves when we think about her journey here... and to add to this, she was born on april 3rd and avery was born on june 3rd. we so feel like malin was a gift from her sister. and i just have to thank all of you girls for all of your support over the last 9 months. there's no way i would have made it through all of this with my sanity in tact without you!

but now the moment you've all been waiting for... introducing miss malin elizabeth...

http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e257/amygrrl/IMG_0461.jpg

[Ericka_Jarett]

Amy - Malin is just beautiful. Congratulations. Sorry to hear about the rough going with labor, but good for you in saying c-section, since you were not comfortable with the heartrate. Again Congrats.

[sophiapb]

OMG, Amy, Malin is beautiful! I am so happy that she is doing well despite the intital scare. Your post had me gasping, freaking and crying so I can only imagine what YOU went through. Congrats to you and DH on your gorgeous miracle. :D

[Kimmiebride]

Amy!!!!!!! oh, she's so beautiful! what a miracle indeed! Can't wait to meet her!!!
love and giggly baby noises!
Kimmie

[LDS Angel 19]

Amy, she is amazing, and truly a miracle. I'm so overjoyed for you. Congrats.

[goldengbridge]

Amy- She's beautiful. congrats

Ericka- Word on the street is your birthday is wed? True? If so we're birthday buddies.

Jenny- Thanks for your post. The quote "You never get over it, you just get through it" makes total sense to me.

***************************************
We visited Jacob's grace for the first time yesterday. It makes me so sad to see such a small hole for such a small casket. Breaks my heart. I feel like part of my is laying in the ground with him. I really want to go and pick out a marker for him but I'm going to wait till things calm down in the next few weeks with Andrew. Like I mentioned earlier we'll be in Philadelphia with him for a few days this week for his cath.

We're supposed to go to my grandmas for easter but I'm seriously reconsidering this since yesterdays she called and DH talked with her... he told her i'm not up for conversation yet... and she told him that thats a shame because I really need to try not to think about it so much????? WTF???? Its been a week today. Are you kidding me? I cannot even beleive it.

I have a question. I keep feeling this need to visit my thread that i had joined and belonged to the whole time i was pregnant but I know that i cant because it going to break my heart to see them all finding out the gender and talking about babies. How did you guys handle that?

[LDS Angel 19]

Jen As far as Easter, If you're not up to seeing family, don't worry about it. Do what you feel is right for you. That was a very harsh comment. I've gotten that comment several times actually and it never really hurts any less. We'll always think about and remember our children.

And as for the threads, I was REALLY bad with that. I actually just unsubscribed from the October 05 thread about two weeks ago. I lurked there a ton. I felt so horrible, like I wasn't allowed to say a word about my situation, I didn't want to freak everyone out. At first I felt like if I posted they might feel like I was contagious or something. And then later as time passed and they all had thier babies we just didn't have anything in common. It made me so sad. So yeah. Hopefully it's a little better for you. I think it's fine to pop in every now and then, even if it does just make you cry, crying can be good sometimes.

((((HUGS))) I'm still thinking of you and your little family.

[jennylou]

jen - don't feel bad if you don't want to go. We were nearly six months out and almost didn't go to Thanksgiving. We only celebrated Christmas Eve this year and not Christmas Day. You have to do what is right for you and your family. As for the threads, I was bad with it too. How can we not be? I mean, all we want to do is have everything go back to the way it was. So, reading those threads seemed like a good plan - only it always just turned into a sob fest for me. I still pop in on my May '05 mommies from time to time.

[LyLMyssChaos]

Jen~~
I just wanted you to know that all of the September mommies are thinking about you and we are keeping an eye on you. We totally understand if you don't want to stop by, or if you want to lurk, or if you want to participate. You have been through an experience that no parent should ever have to go through. Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers as you grieve and try to find some way to heal from this ordeal. Andrew will be in our thoughts and prayers as well for his upcoming ordeals. You take all of the time you need, and to heck with anyone else. And I'm a pretty frequent lurker here in this thread, so if you want any messages passed on, I'll be more than happy to pass them on for you!
I know it's not much, but ((((HUGS))))!!!

[myangelsvw]

Amy - Malin is beautiful. Look at that hair! I'm so happy that she made it to you safely. She truly is a miracle among miracles. I'm glad Avery did such a good job watching over her.

Jen - Regarding big events, our social worker gave us lots of good advice. The biggest piece being that you may not know how you feel in advance -- you might resent being left out of something you really wanted to do or you might feel no desire to be around people. And either one is totally fine. And other people need to be prepared to deal with that and with last minute changes of your plans. And if they can't? That is totally their problem because your reactions are completely normal. That said, if your grandmother is saying things like that, I'd be pretty tempted not to go. You don't need to be around people like that. Maybe there's someone more supportive in your family who could bring you some food afterwards or something?

sophia - You feeling better yet?

chocolate truffle - Thanks for the good luck wishes. Send 'em super strength if you don't mind. We have pretty severe infertility issues, so normal conception is pretty darn unlikely.

Michelle - Did you get the OPKs? I have a couple left from last summer, but I probably won't use them this month since I'm saving them in case I get to do a "natural" FET cycle.

Ericka - Hope you're doing ok with the GD diet and everything is going smoothly.

never getting over it - I've had several people tell me about having an elderly relative who still talks about the baby that died. Really brings home this idea that jenny mentioned -- that it will always be a part of us. While it makes me glad to know that I'll never forget my boys, it makes me sad, too. And I do wonder how I'll ever be able to think about William and Vincent without this overwhelming sadness.

plants - Our last plant just died recently. I really should throw it out, but it's so hard to bring myself to do it.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jen - word has it right, that's cool we are both April 12th ladies. Happy Birthday early!!!! Hope things go well in Philly (I am over just over the bridge in NJ)

As for visiting the thread you were a part of, do what feels right for you. I was part of the August thread and visited soon after I had Rebekah, just to thank everyone for the condolences. Than a while later after they had their children. Everyone was really supportive and letting me vent if I needed to, which I mostly tried to keep in a journal instead though. Just take time for yourself right now.

[goldengbridge]

Ericka- Happy Early birthday to you too! I think I'm skipping this one this year though. I'll turn 25 next year.....again:rolleyes:

Lymisschaos- Thank you for your kind words and also for keeping Andrew in your thoughts and prayers. The next few days and months are going to be trying and he can use all the prayers he can get!

Thanks for all your replies. I've been crying enough so I may hold on visiting anyway for a little while.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jen - lol. This year I will take the 32, although I should say I am 25 again LOL :)

[goldengbridge]

Happy Birthday Ericka! Hope you're having a better one than me:rolleyes:

[Ericka_Jarett]

Happy Birthday Jen!! Sorry your not having a great b-day this year.

Mine is ok, considering I am on the diabetes diet and today was the official start of taking my blood sugar readings until I deliver. Breakfast I blew was 136 when I need to be 120 and under. Lunch I was great 81 and needed to be between 80-120. Fasting I was 94 and needed to be between 80-100. We are going to have sushi tonight I think for my dinner, so will see how much I kill it tonight. Hope I don't blow it and can find more protein into my diet today.

Keeping busy outside in the yard, getting some activity so hopefully that is helping my numbers as well.

[myangelsvw]

Chiming in with a Happy Birthday for Jen and Ericka!

[LDS Angel 19]

Happy belated birthday to Jen and Ericka. I hope it was an ok day.

I feel like rambling today...
I don't know where I've been recently, but it ust hit me yesterday that Easter is nothing but another happy moment we'll be missing out on. I was in Target buying some candy to give to the kids in our Sunday school class, and I found the most adorable pink and white Easter basket and almost bought it. But then I remembered I don't have anyone to buy it for. Yeah, I could take it to the cemetary, but that's just not the same ya know? Ugh.
But at least I spoke up with my family, unlike at Christmas. DH and I are going to spend Easter quietly at home by ourselves. Anyone else have any plans?

[Kimmiebride]

We're going to Tahoe for Easter week. We leave on Saturday. All the easter cuteness hit me at the grocery store today too...

Feeling a bit better, though tired from my conference in Vegas. It was a great inspiration, and I can't wait for my next wedding! Off to bed now, before I end up staying up too late!
hugs,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Easter - we'll go to mass, then the cemetary, then to an early dinner (around 1pm) at the ILs (early b/c SIL/BIL will then spend the evening w/her family). DH only goes to the cemetary on holidays usually, or if we're over in that direction and I force him to, so I'm glad he's going. Speaking of the cemetary, I finally feel ready to deal with the headstone, so I'm going to work on that next week.

I bought some baby girl clothes this week. It's the first thing we've bought for this baby. I just hadn't felt comfortable until now. And it's not that I'm super comfy, I just keep finding cute girl stuff that is on sale. I mean, how can you pass up a $5.00 adorable dress and diaper cover?

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hope everyone is had a good Easter. My mom came down from NY state and so we just had dinner at home after church. We stopped at the cemetary and put flowers out on my dad's grave and on Rebekah's. Tomorrow would have been her 1st b-day. I am handling it ok though, trying to focus on keeping healthy with this pregnancy.

[goldengbridge]

Ericka-I've been thinking about you all weekend re:tomorrow. I hope you have strength and peace tomorrow.

Andrew had his cath on Friday and did wonderfully. Heart function looks wonderful and they didn't need to stent his pulmonary artery. Surgery will be late august/early sept.

Easter was ok. We did end up going to my grandmas and it was ok. We took Jacob an easter basket. It just kills me looking at his little grave. I dont know if it will ever get easier.

OB's office called last week. Placenta came back fine- no infection. I knew deep down though that everything was ok.

Its been 2 weeks and it feels like 2 years. I hope everyone else is well!

[jennylou]

ericka - I'm thinking about you today and tomorrow.

Jen - I still cry at the cemetary everytime that I go. DH only goes when I ask him (usually on holidays). So, yesterday we both went and I can tell you that he has a much harder time these days than I do at the cemetary. I think that's b/c I go more often. I don't know - I didn't think it was getting easier, I mean, I still cry and am sad, but seeing DH reminded me of what it was like when I was first going.

[LDS Angel 19]

Kimmie Hope you had/are having fun in Tahoe.

Jenny I hope the headstone selection process goes ok. I remember it was tough, and finally seeing it after it was placed was tougher, but now I'm so glad that we have it. (Well, as glad as one could be to have a child in a cemetery...)

Ericka I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I can't imagine how it feels, I still have trouble with the 17th of every month...

Jen So glad you got good news for Andrew, And I'm glad Easter was ok.

As for me, it was a rough weekend. I'm VERY glad we kept to ourselves. When we went to the cemetery yesterday, she already had flowers that someone else had brought. Turns out it was my MIL. It touched my heart so much that she remembered.
Not much else going on. Starting tomorrow we're house sitting for friends of ours, they have a huge house on a lake so it's like a mini-vacation for us. I'm looking forward to it.

[goldengbridge]

Ericka- Thinking of you. Hugs.

Thanks for all the well wishes for Andrew. I appreciate them.

Jenny- Thanks for letting my know that crying is normal.

So i went to get my hair cut on saturday- its been so long and i thought it would make me feel better and i freaken run into someone who hasnt heard yet. She asked me if we found out what we were having. I just sat there with a shocked look on my face. Did anyone have to deal with that and how did you react. Its still too new for my to talk to people about it public. I'm camping out in my house. I just dont want to deal with people.And yes, i'll have to go out eventually.

[myangelsvw]

Ericka - Thinking of you and Rebekah today.

Jen - Glad Andrew's procedure went well. As for running into people who don't know, you'd be surprised at how long you can hide in your house. I'm still doing it at 10 weeks. Seriously, though, I still can't really tell people about what happened with any ease. I usually start with about a dozen "Ums" and "Uhs". I keep meaning to practise my "line" but it's different saying it to a person. Plus, I'm still trying to decide which version I want to use. The short version goes "I gave birth prematurely and neither twin survived." The longer version is "I went into preterm labor and the twins were born premature. Our first son lived almost an hour and our second son died during birth." I do think having a standard statement will help, but I'm not there yet either.

Michelle - It's very touching and sweet that your MIL took flowers to Allison for Easter. I'm glad you did the right thing for yourself over the weekend. I'm sure having Easter so close to the 17th made it even tougher for you. So that makes it particularly nice that someone else remembered her.

Jenny - Let us know what you decide on the headstone. And I'm glad to hear you're finding some good deals on baby girl clothes. I'm sure it must be terrifying to buy things, but good for you for doing it.

Kimmie - Hope you're enjoying Tahoe!

***************
Warning: Serious venting ahead.

As for me, I'm feeling tired. Beaten. Ready to just give up. It's sounds superficial, but the weight issue is what really got me down yesterday. I've been doing everything right -- eating well, going to the gym regularly -- and I have not lost a single pound of the remaining baby weight in eight weeks. It's so collossally unfair that I get the postpartum body (sagging bbs, extra flab around the middle, etc) without getting to have my babies. Not to mention being reminded of that loss everytime I get dressed or look in the mirror. I feel like my body is betraying me yet again. So if I'm always going to fail, what's the use in trying so hard. At anything. It's a long list of failures -- losing weight, having a career, carrying my babies, TTC. I've been taking the stupid prenatal vitamins for 2.5 years now. I'm tired of TTC. I ovulated over the weekend, but it feels so futile as nothing ever comes of it. And I sure as hell don't want to do IVF again. It's just too much to ask me to invest so much effort after so much failure. I know I will, because there's nothing else to do. But it's too much to ask.

[jennylou]

myangelsvw - I have been so perfect so many times in respect to my diet/exercise and the weight just wouldn't budge. So, all I can ask is what sort of diet are you doing? I think we all have different metabolisms and process different foods differently. For me, I finally found the diet where I lose weight! I tried Atkins and just got too sick with zero carbs. I tried WW but the weight didn't budge. I tried just "eating healthy" and I would lose a few and that would be it. Finally, I tried South Beach Diet and that's when the weight started melting off. Of course, I know I have to stick to it for it to work - whenever I would sort of stray I could immediately tell because I would stop losing. All that to encourage you to try something a bit different - even if that means switching up what you're doing exercise wise. It does suck to have the belly and all. After Andrew, I had a dunlap roll (Simpson's reference), I've never had this - even though I'm heavier, I've always been leaner in the waist area. There are so many injustices to it all - the post partum belly, PP emotions, leaking boobs (Gosh these pissed me off!), my c/s incision, etc, etc, etc. I hope you start losing, I know how much that helped to improve my outlook.

Jen - Shortly after I returned to work, someone called over (I was answering the phones). Anyways, he commented how surprised he was that I was back at work already. Then he asked how the baby was. Gah - it was like a knife through the heart all over again. I don't know how long I paused, but when I answered him it was through sobs. I'm sure I was a sight - running through the halls towards the bathroom as I told my coworker that he was on the phone for him. After I had myself back together my coworker told me how sorry the guy was. Even now it's hard. I don't know when that knife through the heart feeling will go away.

Michelle - I'm so glad that your mil remembered Allison.

kimmie - hope you're having a good time in Tahoe. :)

**********************

I have a minor vent as well. This weekend we went to our godson's third birthday party (this is DHs cousins son). Anyways, only the immediate grandparents/siblings and those with kids were invited. We were invited I guess b/c we're the godparents. Anyways, one of DHs other cousins showed up. Now, mind you, this was the first time that we had seen her since my baby shower a YEAR ago. After Andrew died, she did not come to the funeral. Okay, it was during the day and we only had one viewing and yes, people do have to work, so that can sort of be excused, right? But, here's what really pissed me off - she never even sent a card. I mean, how hard is it to stick a card in the mail to your cousin who has just lost a son? Anyways, flash forward to now. She never mentioned Andrew at all - nothing. And then, it was like she pretended I'd never even been pregnant before. Telling me things that I heard all throughout my first pregnancy, the things people tell you about being a parent, kwim? So, here she was telling me how it was going to be to be a parent. And this is a fairly nice girl. I've never had issues with her....but this just wasn't cool.

[myangelsvw]

Jenny - If she left there without a smack down? You get the Self-Control of the Year award.

[sophiapb]

Ericka-How are you doing, sweetie? We're all here for you. :)

Hey Kimmie-Thinking of you in Tahoe (with just a smidge of jealousy) ;)

Michelle-Aww, I loved that your MIL left flowers on Allyson's grave. I got misty eyed.

jennylou-Weird about your cousin. What's up with that? Honestly, depending on my mood, I might have responded something like "I know. I've had a child before. Remember?"

Jen-I'm so glad things went well with Andrew. That's such wonderful news. As to your run in with someone not "in the know", yup, that's going to happen. I had a practiced response that always ended somewhere along the lines of "Oh look at the time! Goota go!" as I sped away. The person who asked the question is going to feel awkward and awful so I would tell the truth and then end it as quickly as possible, both for my sake and for thier's. A funny story that I remember from one of my support groups was a husband went to his regular pizza place the day after coming home from the hospital after his wife lost thier daughter at 33 weeks. He was picking up a pizza when the owner behind the counter asked about the baby. The husband said "She was stillborn three days ago." and then absolute silence fell over the restaurant. Then the husband finished the story by saying "And then he charged me for the pie!" and EVERYONE in the group, including me and DH, was shocked that he was charged. It was actually pretty funny.

myangelsvw-I wish I could tell you there's a magic pill that get's the weight off but my size 18 ass is still on that quest. What has worked for me in the past has been taking long evening walks which is very therapeutic both physically and mentally as well as cutting back on the carbs but not totally eliminating them. I lost 15 pounds for my wedding that way. Another way is to go to Ireland. It's one of the most beautiful countries I've ever been to with the friendliest people I've ever met but the food sucks! I lost 5 pounds in 7 days despite the fact that I was drinking pints and pints of Guinness. I'm sure I'm going to get flamed by an Erin or a Colleen at some point but I'm willing to risk it to pass on my one surefire diet tip! ;) Hmm, now that i'm thinking about it, my size 18 ass is going to go check if Aer Lingus is offering any specials!

[Astro]

I'm going to chime in and agree on the not fair with regards to weight. I'd gained weight due to all the stuff trying to get pregnant, then the pregnancy with the boys, then after the miscarriage the weight didn't want to come off. It's so frustrating.

7 months after the death of our boys, I still don't know how to answer people when they ask what happened. I think I'm coming off a little blunt now days.

Time to vent about Easter and babies and rude people...

We had a few friends over for Easter as well as my MIL. She was actually in town visiting us for the first time since the wedding and wanted to go see the boys. We saw them Easter morning, then had the friends coming over for dinner. One of the couples recently had a baby girl (1 month after our boys were due). We'd had them over before for a superbowl party, and all she talked about was being pregnant and trying to get information about breastfeeding. Guess what Easter dinner's conversation was about... breast feeding. 2 1/2 hours of talking about breast feeding and pumping! :eek: :eek:

I could tell my MIL wasn't comfortable with the conversation, but we couldn't get on anything else. The new mom cornered the other mom there (mom of 2 1/2 year old) and used the entire time to "gather" information. Apparently it upset my DH more than me. I just figured she was rude and clueless, he was offended and thinks she was being disrespectful. They all know what we've gone through.

I was doing fine until after dinner. The new mom came up to me when I was cleaning up in the kitchen. She started talking about how uncomfortable she can get if she doesn't feed her baby frequently. She's breast feeding. She had the audacity to say, "my breasts get a little hard and sore." I so wanted to turn to her and say, "Really? Gosh, I wouldn't know what that was like since my boys never got the chance to breast feed. My breasts became swollen and engorged when my milk came in, but there was nothing I could do about it." Instead, I bit my tongue and ignored her.

Yesterday my DH decided we won't be having them over again for many reasons, but mainly due to their disrespect and thoughtlessness. I'm so lucky he is such a supportive wonderful man. :D

[chocolate_truffle]

Ericka -- I'm thinking of you and Rebekah today. :)

Kimmie -- Woo Hoo for Tahoe! I hope you're having a restful and relaxing time.

LDS -- I'm another one who dreads the 17th of the month. The day will never be the same for me. I hope you're enjoying your house sitting mini vacation.

Jen and myangelsvw -- When we lost Sabrina, I hid out in my house for three months. It wasn't that I didn't try to leave the house, it's just every single time I did, I found myself surrounded by pregnant women and babies -- the grocery store, the mall, restaurants, etc. It was like the universe was playing a cruel joke on me. It was just easier to stay at home, where I felt safe and protected.

And, it's hard to tell people who don't know, especially when you're caught off guard. When Sabrina died, I decided not to go back to work. The plan was to be a stay-at-home mom and going back to work was hardly a consolation prize. A year later, my old law firm asked me to do some contract work on a few of my old cases. It seemed like a good idea -- everyone knew what had happened, so I thought I wouldn't have to go into any details. Wrong. The first day, the doorman at our building asked about "the little one." So, I had to tell him what happened. Within the first week, two of our copy vendors wanted to know what brought me back to work with "the baby at home." And, while most of my old coworkers were great, a few of them treated me like damaged goods -- constant looks of pity, talking in hushed tones around me, etc. It's never easy, explaining what happened to people.

Jennylou -- I'm sorry about your cousin's insensitivity. People make stupid comments, and family can be the worst. After Brynna was born, my MIL kept harassing me about how I really needed to take care of myself -- "Oh, you need the full six weeks to recover after a regular delivery, so you should really be careful since you had the c-section" -- as if I hadn't been through childbirth and recovery with Sabrina. Thanks for the advice, MIL!

Astro -- Ugh, I'm so sorry about the Easter from hell. People suck. Sometimes, you have to distance yourself from toxic people for your own sanity. A friend of mine became pregnant about six months after we lost Sabrina. Her life was a total train wreck -- the pregnancy was unplanned and the baby's father was married to another woman (they were separated, but he had no plans to finalize his divorce). So, I tried to be a good friend to her, and as painful as it was, I helped her shop for maternity clothes and baby gear. After the baby was born, I listened to her complain about breast engorgement, sleep deprivation, and being a single parent -- she broke up with her boyfriend because he was cheating on her with his wife, if that makes any sense. At this point, I decided to put the friendship on hold. It's still on hold. The last I heard, she had a new boyfriend and was pregnant again. It sounds like a soap opera, doesn't it? :rolleyes:

Sophia -- LMAO about the "Irish" diet. I'll have to try it.

[myangelsvw]

Thanks, everyone, for letting me vent this morning. Sometimes you've just gotta get that stuff out before you can feel any relief. And, as usual, it helps to know it's not just me struggling with this.

sophia - Ireland, huh? Heck, yeah! That's my kind of diet! :D

astro - I'm so so sorry your friend was so insensitive. It was kind of you to invite her for Easter and she didn't return the thoughtfulness. It sounds like you and DH made the right decision about minimizing contact going forward. In my book, you were generous to give her a second chance after her behavior during the Superbowl. But then, I think you and Jenny must be better people than me. :p ;)

chocolate truffle - So I've got two more weeks before I have to face the music. I know, I know. It's probably unrealistic for me to expect to magically feel better at three months, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway. And speaking of dieting, you, my friend, have a veeeerrrry tempting user name. No fair making us all crave chocolate when we're trying to be good.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thanks ladies. It means a lot. Yesterday was harder for me than today actually. Hard to believe it's been a year already.

[Sully130]

Ericka - You have been in my thoughts. Sorry to hear yesterday was even worse than today. I hope tomorrow is much better.

~~~~~~~

I'm so terribly behind in this thread. I've been busy trying to prepare for the baby and get moved into our home now that I'm finally off of bedrest. Today has been a bad day for me a bit in that it's been a year since we found out something was terribly wrong, fatally wrong, with our daughter. That day was just so horrible for me and I'm surprised by how easily and vividly I can remember how I felt that day.

Saturday will be a year since Hannah's birth and death. I have a hard time calling it her "birthday" because it wasn't a happy occasion...and it wasn't supposed to be her birthday. She was supposed to be born, healthy, in August.

And just to add to all the emotions of this week, I've got an "up" part to the roller coaster. I've been scheduled for an induction on Thursday. I'll be 38w5d. Seeing how my water broke in my 16th week (and apparently resealed), it's so amazing that now I'm being induced. I'm nervous and excited...but I'm also sad for the daughter who can never be replaced. I was worried my son would be born on her day, but looks like he won't be. THe doctor was very understanding about that. I appreciated that tremendously. Anyway, please keep us in your thoughts.

[jennylou]

Jenny - If she left there without a smack down? You get the Self-Control of the Year award.

I should note that I did not spend much time with the women after that. I excused myself and joined the men in the garage - I mean, at least I can talk with them without having them throw advice my way, unless it's advice about cars, fixing things, etc. ;) I don't give a hoot if any of the women thought that I was rude - if it gets back to me I'll let them know who was being rude. ;) We don't see this cousin often enough for me to have said anything, or I would have. I found it odd that she never sent a card and decided I wouldn't be inviting her to anything in the future - but the way that she acted this weekend, ha, as far as I'm concerned, I don't even care if I ever run into her again. :p

sully - Thinking about you today as well. I am so excited that you've made it this far, you've certainly defied many odds. And for once, you're on the good end of a rare stat. :D

Ericka - time just goes so fast. We'll be coming up on our one year next month. Sometimes it doesn't seem possible that it's been that long.

chocolate_truffle - I agree, your username is making me crave chocolate! might be time for another virtual party in here :).

Astro - I'm sorry that your friends were so insensitive. I think as time goes on they sort of forget the hurt that you are feeling everyday. Our worlds have stopped, but theirs keep going - at least that's what a wise happy once said in my lj. Sucks, but I think it rings true.

sophia - You know, I don't think I've ever heard much in the way of Irish cuisine. ;)

[Ericka_Jarett]

Sully - Thank you so much. I can't tell you how happy I am for you with having the baby before Hannah's day. I can't wait to see pics of that healthy beautiful baby boy of yours. I will be praying for you this week and hope all goes well with the delivery.

[sophiapb]

Yay, Sully! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Pictures, pictures, we want PICTURES!

Well, ladies, it appears that I am finally getting over my cold and stomach flu but now have to deal with migraine headaches, a possible sinus infection, dry heaves and gagging when I brush my teeth since...............



























I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG! OMG! OMG! I still have to get it confirmed by my doctor, who can't see me until MONDAY :mad: , but morning sickness with a vengeance made the POAS more of a formality than anything else and the result was two +HPTs. Of course, now I have all the fears of miscarriage or a chemical pregnancy or whatever else my sick mind can think up but I'm going to enjoy this while I can and take each day as it comes. My due date is December 24 so I've got an early Christmas gift to look forward to! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

[Ericka_Jarett]

sophia - Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[myangelsvw]

sophia - !!!!!!! Congratulations, sweetie! That's truly wonderful. I'm very very very very happy for you.

Sully - Congrats to you too. Thursday can't get here soon enough, I'm sure. Wait. That's tomorrow! Holy cow! Good luck.

Jenny - Thanks for helping me not feel like the Meanest Lady on the Thread. ;)

Ericka - Glad yesterday was ok.

********

Wow. So many pregnancies and soon-to-be babies. I'm so happy for everyone. All of you deserve the best that life has to offer -- especially healthy babies. But I'm sad, too. Am I allowed to say that? It's just that I'm so afraid I'll be left behind everyone here, just like it feels I have been everywhere else. I know none of you will forget the rest of us, but nobody ever said emotions are rational. I suppose it's why they're not called logic. :p

As context, I got my crosshairs this morning and it just made me angry. Quite a contrast from how it used to be. I remember the first time I charted and how excited I was when my chart showed ovulation. But now that sex doesn't equal pregnancy and pregnancy doesn't equal babies, the whole process makes me mad.

[Astro]

myangelsvw Of course you're allowed to say your sad. It is odd to be so happy for so many of our friends here and so sad at the same time. I am thrilled with each and every baby that comes along in this thread, and I wouldn't want the mommies and soon-to-be mommies to stop posting; but I know what you mean about feeling sad and left behind.

[sophiapb]

Awww, myangelsvw, yes, I do know what you mean and I almost didn't post my news. However, watching Jenny and Ericka get pregnant again and continue on with healthy pregnancies really gave me hope. I was, and still am, SO excited for them.
When I lost Alexander, it felt like the world had caved in. The only thing that made me feel better was rationalizing that Alexander went back to get someone else who's supposed to be here. Granted, that took me months to get to that point but that's the only reason why I could see that he wasn't here with us. And I've seen it demonstrated over and over on this thread. I don't think Malin would be here if Avery was here, I don't think Brynna would be here if Sabrina was here, I don't think Jenny and Ericka would be pregnant if Andrew and Rebekah were here. There was a reason why we lost Alexander and whether I give birth to a baby, go through adoption or became a foster mother to whatever child needs me, I will find that reason. As will you.
I first came to this thread as a lurker, afraid that I would be unwelcome because I have a surviving child and instead found some pretty amazing women that were willing to share thier fears, concerns, nightmares and hopes. No one will be left behind on this thread because this thread is about support and hope. We all have it and we're all willing to accept it and share it as need be. We root for positive betas, mourn for missed pregnancies and offer our strength to whoever needs it.
At this point, I'm not too proud to ask for as many sticky vibes as people are willing to give me and am planning on enjoying this pregnancy today as much as possible because who knows what tomorrow may bring?

[Ericka_Jarett]

myangelsvw - you can feel sad and upset. You can't get rid of me though, I promise I am here for the long haul. I found a lot of comfort in this thread in the months that have passed since losing Rebekah. No one here will judge you, they know what you are feeling for real and not just saying I know how you feel like some people may say to you. We all really know how you feel, having suffered the same horrible loss. Nothing you say can shock or surprise us, we have a unique bond on this thread. We all laugh, cry and rejoice with each other at even the tiniest thing.

I was upset when I heard a couple at my church was expecting before me again. I was thrilled and yet sad at the same time for Sully when she announced her pregnancy with her baby boy. I'm so happy for her that she meets her son within the next day or so. :) Sully and I were part of the August board together and we lost our girls the same week. I think if nothing else it made everyone else more aware of just how fragile these little lives are and to make sure to take care of themselves and talk to the doctor about their concerns and worries.

I know I wouldn't be pregnant now had Rebekah lived. I think of that often, I miss my 1st baby terribly and try to stay strong for this one. I told my OB when I saw her in December for a follow-up to Rebekah's passing. I want to be pregnant again so badly and not to replace Rebekah as she was my first and will always be. When it didn't happen at 8 months after my loss, I was so upset and thought it would never happen again. It was a test of my faith as well for me. The Lord prove Himself faithful to me when I got pregnant in January. I prayed all the time and was always reminding Him of the promise He gave me.

It will happen for you again when the time is right, for some it's quick others it takes a long time. We will all be here to cheer you on with your next pregnancy and celebrate the birth of your beautiful baby and the siblings that follow. Always remembering the ones that went on ahead. Just take this time to grieve your recent loss of your precious boys and take comfort in knowing they are in some great hands and with you always. They were in your arms for a moment, but they will stay in your heart forever. Even when you are old and gray, you will remember them.

[jennylou]

sophia - congrats! :)

No one will be left behind on this thread because this thread is about support and hope. We all have it and we're all willing to accept it and share it as need be. We root for positive betas, mourn for missed pregnancies and offer our strength to whoever needs it.

This too is my hope for this thread. :)

I love when one of "us" get pregnant, finally have a baby, etc. Ericka, Sully, Amy, Sophia, Michelle and myself went through losses one right after another (IIRC). We might not have anything else in common, but I will root for each one of these ladies on their journey to having a healthy sibling for their angel babies. And this same holds true for my new friends here. The ones I hate to welcome to this group. And yet, it amazes me the compassion that I see here when a new member arrives, we open the circle a little wider. We don't want anyone to feel left out.

But are you allowed to be sad that it's not you? Absolutely! I've felt the same way about many of the girls in the SAI thread while I was there. I felt the same way about my SIL when she got pregnant within a month of us losing Andrew. It's not that I didn't want her to be pregnant (heck, she'd tried for two years!), it's that I wanted to be pregnant too - to have that hope of a baby back!

All that babbling to say that I really appreciate each and every single one of you in this thread. I appreciate that you can say anything here and it's understood. I cry with you, I laugh with you, and I celebrate when you celebrate. And I hope and pray that all of us are celebrating our rainbow babies sooner, rather than later.

[LyLMyssChaos]

Sully & Ericka~~
I just wanted to stop by and let you both know that you are in my thoughts. I remember VERY vividly when you both lost your little ones as they both happened the week I had my son, and as we think about all that has happened in the last year, you and everyone that has lost a little one are in my thoughts and prayers.

I also want to send some healthy, happy vibes to the ladies that are all currently expecting. And I want to send lots of ((((HUGS)))) to those that are trying and just haven't gotten there yet, and even more (((((HUGS))))) to those that just aren't ready to try again yet. Everyone will do things when it's the right time for them.

[LDS Angel 19]

Wow, I'm away from the 'net for a few hours and come back to some great news! I don't have much time now either but I had to say a few things....
Yay Sophia, I'm so happy for you!

myangelsvw, I feel the same way. Every time someone else gets good news it is a least a little painful, and sometimes a lot. But that's ok. I know all of us have felt that way.

Sully, This is getting exciting! I'll be thinking of you and praying everything goes wonderfully for you.

There's a lot more I want to add but I don't have the time. Sophia and Jenny both made wonderful posts and I agree with what they said. We're all in this together now, no matter what happens.

Seriously though, NOW can I be next? :cool:

[goldengbridge]

Congrats Sophia!

I think the other posts summed it up perfectly but I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for welcoming me and supporting me and letting me know that what i'm feeling is perfectly normal. The past 2 1/2 weeks have been hell but I can honestly say that coming in here and talking to you girls have really helped. And I think all of us have a bond for life.

LDS- Heres hoping that you're next!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Michelle (LDS) I pray you are next girlfriend. It's sure been a journey.

Here's to more BFP's in this thread shortly. All our babies are smiling and wishing nothing but the best for all of us again. You ladies are awesome mommies :)

[myangelsvw]

Sully - Good luck today! Come back and see us soon!

sophia - I am very glad you did post your news. I think we all want to celebrate with you and I'd be just as sad to not get to do that. KWIM? So thank you for sharing your wonderful, fantastic, stupendously good news. And hell, yeah, to the sticky vibes. :D

Michelle - I do so hope you get pregnant again soon. I don't know the history of you TTC Allison, so can I ask you a question? Do you usually have long cycles like that? If so, well, you might consider talking to your doctor. I suspect they might give you some clomid to help you ovulate. Or if that was just a wierd, stressed out cycle just tell me to shut up. :)

astro - It is strange to be simultaneously happy and sad, isn't it. I never used to feel that way -- or at least not as strongly -- because I always hoped my "turn" would come. Now it seems like it came; I blew it, and I'm less confident of ever bringing a baby home. Plus, from everything I read, seems like all of us will always have extra sadness that we wouldn't have had otherwise.

Ericka - You can't get rid of me though, I promise I am here for the long haul.
Excellent! :D Like I said, I know I was just feeling afraid. But I also know that this isn't a thread that you ever "graduate" from like so many of the others.

Jenny - Yep. You started a good one. Thank you!

**********

No venting today!! (Or at least not yet. :p )

[sophiapb]

Sully-Happy birthday to your little guy! Thinking of you and your family.

Hey Michelle. I was hoping that I would be a trend setter in this group and that you, Kimmie and Astro would be jumping on the bandwagon as well. :D

goldengbridge-I hate that you're here (YKWIM ;) ) but glad that we can help you in any way we can. How are you feeling today?

myangelsvw-I know what you mean about being happy and sad. Whenever someone I knew announced a pregnancy, I was so thrilled for them but so sad for myself. It's not that I didn't want them to be pregnant, it's that I wanted to be pregnant too! I also KWYM about being able to celebrate. One of my friends didn't tell me she was pregnant for three months and I was so hurt. I know she was trying to protect me and it wasn't malicious but it still hurt. I did NOT want that to happen here and so this was the second thread where I posted my news. Lastly, please don't think that you "blew it". I was really bothered when I read that. You did nothing wrong. Your uterus developed an infection that you had no control over. For your next pregnancy you will be watched like a hawk as I'm sure Jenny and Ericka can attest. It's pretty rare for lightening to strike the same place twice and sweetie, we've all been hit by lightening. I think we've got to catch a break sometime. :)

[Ericka_Jarett]

Like Sophia said, they will watch you like a hawk with your next pregnancy. My perinatalogist told me to tell the OB's not to do any internal exams on me, he said don't need them giving you an infection. Tested for a lot more this time around as well with this peri. He is checking everything possible.

How are you doing today?

[jennylou]

future pregnancies - re watching like a hawk - there was nothing that went wrong during pregnancy for me, and yet my OB has still insisted on extra ultrasounds and such. Her reasoning is that if I'm stressing, that's not good for the baby. I have my next appointment on Monday and was thinking today that it's been six weeks since I've seen her! That's the longest I've gone yet - I was at the OBs office at just over 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 9 weeks, 10 weeks, 15 weeks and 19 weeks. Of course, I'd have seen her two weeks ago, but she started her own practice and it was a hectic switch. But, they are watching closely and she told me that I could have as much monitoring as necessary - if I was between appts to call and she'd give me an u/s herself.

[ieducate]

Not sure if this is the thread I am supposed to post to for this, but I had a miscarriage today and I am at such of loss for words to express my devastation. I was only 6 weeks pregnant, but it feels like I lost a lifetime. I had so much planned already (mostly in my head) and my dh was so excited. He and I cried so much today that I don't think I have any tears left. I am in shock and don't know what to do. we saw the the OB today and she is wonderfully optimistic. She is watching me carefully and monitoring my hcg levels until they get back to zero. Then I have to go through one full month of regular cycle before I go back on the fertility drugs and try again. I think one of the worst things is the thought of waking up every darn morning to take my stupid temperature. I think I may skip it the first month we try to get preg. again. I am not sure I can stomach doing that. I will still do the OPK's though. Either way I am feeling an unbelievable loss today and I can't stomach it. I was at work when I found out and it was horrible. I called the doctor to get an update on my hcg levels (blood test was taken yesterday) and she (the doctor herself) got on the phone and gave me the news. I had dropped from 888 to 200 in 48 hours. I broke into tears right there in the copy room...where I was standing talking on my cell phone. To make matters worse, I am a teacher, so I was supposed to go back to my classroom and take my students to lunch. I grabbed another teacher in the hallway and told her to go to my classroom and tell the teacher who was in there covering for me to take my kids to lunch. She didn't ask any questions as it was quite obvious by my sobbing that something was wrong. I walked downstairs to my principal's office and broke into more tears. One of the secetaries (bless her heart) drove me home and another one followed in my car. I am a wreck. My family has been nothing but supportive, but I can't stand that I am no longer pregnant. This was all I thought about day and night. I did everything I was supposed to do and nothing I wasn't. The doctor told me it was not my fault at all, but I can't help to feel the quilt anyway. Thanks for listening...I will be back later...need to collect myself again and regroup.

[Ericka_Jarett]

ieducate: I posted in the december thread. You probably want the miscarriage thread found here: http://www.constantchatter.com/showthread.php?t=8736

[ieducate]

Thanks Ericka...got your link. :)

[Kimmiebride]

Hi ladies,
Tahoe has been wonderful! We come home tomorrow, and I am actually looking forward to being home, as nice as it is here. I am sure I o'd this week. Of course that doesn't mean much since we are still not allowed to ttc yet. I am getting to the point of wanting to disobey those stupid doctors, since they aren't really of much help to me these days.

Sophia, congrats on the BFP! I know we all want to be next, and I am happy for your news. I also am a little sad it's not me, and that's ok! I am so grateful for all of you, and for all your little rainbow babies on the way and here! It does give me hope, and I pray for all of you constantly!

Ericka, I am glad you made it through a tough anniversary, and sorry I wasn't here to wish you the best.

My due date is Monday. Today we walked through a very old cemetary, and I cried when I saw the little headstones. They were from the 1800's. I always got sad when I saw the little graves, but now I know what it's like to lose a child, and it makes me even more sad. I do wish we had made a special place for Robert to rest. I haven't "visited" with him enough lately, and need to make it a point when I return home. Hopefully we'll finally get our springtime weather, and I will start walking again. I also have to lose some weight. I think I'll do South Beach - it worked really well for me when I did it in the past. I only gained 4 pounds during my pregnancy since I am already on the heavy side, and I lost it right away, but now have gained at least 10 in the grieving time and am almost at my all time high weight. It's very depressing. I know I can do something about it, and hope for the strength to put forth the effort. I have eaten like a pig on vacation. I don't even want to see a scale when i get home.

Gentle thoughts my friends!
Kimmie

[sophiapb]

Sully had her little guy yesterday!

Born at 5:32 p.m., Thomas is 8 pounds, 4 ounces, 21 and 1/4 inches long.

I almost started bawling!

[jennylou]

Congrats Sully - way to go, such a big boy! :)

[Bubbas]

CONGRATS SULLY!!!

Can't wait to see some pictures!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Yeah!!!!!!!!! Congrats Sully.

Yesterday was a busy day in the world for births. My friend from church had her daughter about a week early just last night at 7:30ish.

Now I am getting itchy to find out what we are having. Baby cooperate next week pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[LDS Angel 19]

Sully, congrats on your amazing miracle.

[chocolate_truffle]

Hello Ladies,

I just wanted to stop by to say a big congratulations to Sophia on her BFP and a huge congratulations to Sully on the birth of Thomas -- such wonderful news!

Kimmie -- I'll be thinking of you and Robert on Monday.

Ericka -- Hooray for the upcoming ultrasound. Let's hope your baby isn't too modest. ;)

To the rest of my new friends, I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping your hearts are mending.

Oh, myangelsvw and jennylou, y'all had me laughing about my tempting username. Chocolate is my downfall, and I have a particular weakness for See's truffles (and butter creams and caramels and milk chocolates in general). And I'm not ashamed to admit that I have been known to devour an entire box on several separate occasions. Yummmm! :D

[jennylou]

chocolate - now, now, there should be *no* mentioning of See's Candies when there is no way that I can get my hands on a box. It's the one really bad thing about not being near CA anymore. And, I think it's funny when people try to tell me that they have the best chocolate, yada yada, I try it and it just can't compare to my Sees. I myself really enjoy anything with nuts in it. Yummy. Drool.

[chocolate_truffle]

jennylou -- Did you know you can create custom mixes of See's Candies and they'll deliver to your very own doorstep? Here's the link: http://sees.com/sp1.cfm

Just some food for thought...

ETA: I'm really not the devil, I swear. ;)

See's is just something of a tradition in my family. When my aunt and uncle were stationed in Germany for fifteen years, they missed two things about the U.S.: Taco Bell Burrito Supremes and See's Fudge. Every Christmas, we sent two pounds of fudge, but we could never figure out a way to ship a burrito supreme overseas. :p

[Kimmiebride]

I was thinking that's what having a sister in the Bay Area will do for ya Jenny, but our dear chocolate truffle came up with an even easier solution!! What did we ever do without the internet...????
Kimmie

[jennylou]

I was thinking that's what having a sister in the Bay Area will do for ya Jenny, but our dear chocolate truffle came up with an even easier solution!! What did we ever do without the internet...????
Kimmie

I actually didn't know I could order online, but my sister does help me out from time to time. :) She knows how much I like it, it was actually one of the things that she brought for me when she came after Andrew died. So, see, some family is good to have - don't know why they aren't so supportive, but a few are. ;) Of course, she made me hide it until everyone left, as last time she brought me some, everyone ate it - but me.

And chocolate - you bring up another favorite - taco bell burrito supremes - yummy. :D

[goldengbridge]

Hi Ladies. The weather is just misrable which really isnt helping my mood. I havent been having a good couple days. A nurse from our insurance called to check on me and apparently word hadnt gotten to her regarding Jacob passing away. I was dealing with her trying to get my fetal echo covered so ihad spoken with her alot so when she called on Friday and started asking my all these questions i could help but just break down and cry. It totally caught me off guard and then she of course felt so horrible after i told her.

And then my Evil SIL is complaining to everyone in the family that she cant afford diapers for her kids or a carseat for the younger one since he outgrew his infant seat like 2 months ago and she still hasnt bought him a bigger carseat. She says she cant afford it but then she goes out drinking last night and drops off her two kids for the weekend. I dont get it. She only wants to be a mom when she wants to be. Those poor kids are always sick and the older one who will be 2 next month is so developmentally behind because she pays no attention to him. It just makes me so freaken mad.

I hope you all are well. I wanted to share this poem i found and it reminded me of all of you. I hope you like it.

MY MOM IS A SURVIVOR
by Kaye Des'Ormeaux

My Mom is a survivor,
Or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying
When all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
And go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands upon the beach
That never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
Who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
A smile of disguise.
But through heaven's open door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with my death
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her
Knows it's her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
Through heaven's open door...
I try to tell her
Angels protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
Or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, talk to her...
And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
No matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
That time won't ever heal.

[LDS Angel 19]

I really like that poem.

It's been a long, hard week for me. Another friend of mine had a baby Monday. Two more are pregnant. It's so hard to not get stuck being jealous all the time. I know you all know what I mean...

WalkAmerica is next weekend. I'm looking forward to it, but I'd so much rather be doing it in honor of a surviving child than in memory of a lost one...

[Kimmiebride]

Today is my due date. It is also 5 months today since I lost Robert. 24's are always tough, and my guess is that they will be for the rest of my life. I know you guys will understand that I am overwhelmed by the unfairness of all of this. We should all have our children cooing in the next room, or learning to toddle around. but we don't. I want to be pregnant again with all of my being. Of course, not to replace my darling Robert, but to have another chance as a mommy. I am thinking about trying again next month. I am just so afraid that if we wait, the time will run out. The doctors aren't able to figure out a proper dosage on the meds, so the sooner I get off them, and on something that's easier to regulate, the happier I will be. They wanted me on coumadin until June. I have been on it since December. Enough already - I am tired of feeling like crap and I want my life back NOW! I have to just trust that God will take care of me. The perinatologist gave me a bunch of lab slips, and told me when we start to try to come in for a test a few days before AF is due, and then they can switch me to the injections ASAP. I know many of you may be thinking, "how can giving yourself a shot in the belly twice a day be better than taking pills?" Sometimes I wonder myself, but at least it will mean another baby is on the way. Hopefully one we can keep this time.

Michelle, I know what you mean about the jealousy. When I go to the supermarket I get bombarded with all the perfect celebrities having their babies. It's almost unbearable. I want my baby too!

Thanks again to all of you! I don't feel like I could have made it this far without you all - take care my friends!
Kimmie

[LDS Angel 19]

Kimmie I'm thinking of you today. The anniversaries/special dates are so so so hard. I really hope you and your drs get everything figured out and you can get pregnant very soon. Heck, maybe we'll end up in a duedate thread together. And don't even get me started on celebrity babies... *stab*

[Ericka_Jarett]

Kimmie - thinking of you today. I hope all your meds get in order so you can be a mommy again.

LDS - thinking of you too.

Lots of prayers for you both to be preggers again soon so your little ones in Heaven can be a brother and sister to another.

[Kimmiebride]

Thanks guys!! I survived it. Did spend the whole morning crying though for me DH, and Robert, and for my friend Melissa, who many of you know. She got positive betas from her FET, and then they didn't see anything in the uterus at her u/s. They are very concerned as her first pregnancy ended up being ectopic, and she ruptured a tube. Please add her to your prayer list. They are going back for a more detailed u/s today, and I am praying that they see the baby in the uterus, and the fears of ectopic will melt away. Please God, a miracle for my friend Mel!