Support for a late term loss/stillbirth/infant loss - TTC or not, all are welcome

[Kimmiebride]

Oh Astro, thinking of you and hoping it's just too early for the little beans, and you get good news next week. No more crappy days for any of us.

Well, speaking of crappy days... Mine began at 4:10 AM when my DH's stupid alarm which I thought i had turned off blasted away. I got up to go to the bathroom, and coughed a bit, and coughed up some pink stuff. Scared me a lot so I called the advice nurse, and she said to get into the ER ASAP. I drove myself, and called DH, but he didn't have the ringer on for his cell, so couldn't reach him. Called my mom and got her, and made it to the ER. They did another CT scan, and drew some blood. Negative for clots in my lungs so that was huge good news, and means the old clots have resolved too. Blood levels were the highest they have been though, so blood was actually too thin - chocolate truffle would know this... INR was 4.2!! yikes. So we held on my meds tonight and will test again next week. Got out of the ER at 8AM, and went home and called everybody I had alarmed, and DH had called while I was there so I was ok all around. Whew! Luckily I did not cancel my hair appointment, and now am sporting a cute, sassy hair cut and color & highlights. I treated myself! Dang it, it felt good. Thinking of you all tonight!
Kimmie

[jennylou]

I'm sorry for those who had rough days yesterday.

astro - did they see a sac or anything? I only ask b/c I was 6w2d at my first u/s and all we saw was the sac and fetal pole. I hope it's just too early! Thinking good thoughts for you.

kimmie - I hope those Drs figure out what's going on with your body and soon! So much more stress for you to have to endure. :(

michelle - I'm sorry your body is not cooperating. Have you looked into vitex or fertility blend any more? Also, just for peace of mind, you might want your Dr to run some blood work on you. Specifically, LH and FSH. If those numbers are not in a 1:1 ratio, your body isn't normally going to cooperate. Those are good tests to start with, though I know you've already had the HSG. Hugs to you.

It's amazing how true colors really shine through when you're in the midst of grief. After Andrew died, many of my family came to visit. Who does things like open the baby Q-tips (that weren't even in the bathroom!) because the Q-tips were out. I mean, wouldn't you ask the hosts if they have any more? Or, who goes around insisting that we'll BBQ - after repeatedly being told that we don't have a BBQ. Those were both my Step mother. We won't even talk about my father and his taking my car while drinking - even though I repeatedly said I didn't want him driving it if he was drinking. The response: he's not as drunk as he normally is when he drives.:eek:

[myangelsvw]

I'm not looking forward to this weekend. Tomorrow was supposed to be our second and final "multiples" class. Sunday was supposed to be our shower, which, of course, no one was ever even invited to. Between those and birthdays and due dates and trimester markers and conception dates and such, I feel like sooner or later every day of the year will have some grief-laden meaning.

Kimmie - I'm sorry to hear all the medical stuff is *still* going on. Those docs have really got to get their acts together. But I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the pampering.

astro - Sorry that the maybe-pregnant limbo has dragged on like it has. I hope you get an answer -- and preferrably a good one -- very soon.

Michelle - I think I'm officially the party-pooper. Sorry. :o

kalogrias - Glad you had a good talk with your husband. Was it comforting to know that he understands better now?

[chocolate_truffle]

Hello ladies. I just wanted to stop by and offer my support to those of you who are having a tough time.

myangelsvw -- I'm so sorry. The first year really is the toughest. There were so many days I found myself saying, "Well, this is what I should have been doing today." Then I'd get angry and sad and wonder if I would ever be able to work through my grief. It takes time, a lot of time, but I promise you will be able to work through it. You should do something for yourself this weekend -- go out to eat, see a movie, get a manicure or pedicure. It pales in comparison to what you should have been doing, but your boys would want you to take care of yourself and your spirit.

Astro -- I'm thinking positive thoughts for you. We were never able to see anything on ultrasound until 7 weeks, so I'm hoping it's just too early for you as well.

LDS Angel 19 -- I'm sorry your body isn't cooperating. My menstrual cycles are irregular to non-existant, so I can sympathize. I'm with jennylou on the bloodwork. I'd have a full panel run -- FSH, LH, glucose, thyroid, prolactin, etc. Once you know what is going on with your body, then you can treat it and get your cycles on track. We must be some of the only women on the planet who actually pray for AF to arrive, huh? :rolleyes:

Kimmie -- Ugh, coumadin is such a PITA to dose. It's different for everyone, and there are so many food and drug interactions to worry about. Your INR was 4.2! :eek: No wonder you saw blood in the sink. It took us months to iron out my coumadin routine. First, I alternated between 3mg and 5mg, but that was too much. Then it was just 3mg, but that was too little. Who am I, Goldilocks? We started doing 4mg on Mondays and Thursdays, and 3 mg the rest of the week, but it still wasn't quite right (my INR would fluctuate between 1.6 and 3.4). For the last month, I've been doing 4mg on Mondays and 3mg the rest of the week, and my INR is finally between 2.5 and 3.0. As soon as I'm done with this crap, the first thing I'm going to do is eat a giant salad -- I miss green vegetables!

Good for you on the new cut and color. I'm a firm believer in taking the time to pamper yourself. Good hair can do wonders for your self-esteem.

kalogrias -- I'm glad you and your DH had a productive discussion. It always helps to be on the same page. When are you moving to Korea?

Amygrrl and jennylou -- You know, sometimes family can be a lot like neighbors and co-workers ... would any of us choose to associate with them unless it were absolutely necessary? :p

My MIL is the problem in our family -- everything is always about her. DH was in a terrible car accident when he was sixteen. He was hospitalized with a cracked pelvis and lacerations all over his body from the shattered glass. But, it was all about MIL. Even though her son could have died, she was upset because he didn't apologize for wrecking her car.

When DH and I were first engaged, MIL had a total meltdown. We were over at their house watching movies one night, when all of a sudden she ran out of the house and onto the front porch and started screaming, "You're taking my son away!" When we tried to leave, because she was obviously too irrational to deal with, she sat on the hood of my car to prevent us from going. I'm sure the neighbors appreciated the theatrics.

When we were pregnant with Sabrina, she would call to see if "there was anything wrong with the pregnancy." She has a gift with the English language, no? And, I've already shared how she behaved when we lost Sabrina. Is it any wonder we limit the time we spend with her? I really should save my MIL stories for the ES threads. :)

If I don't check back, have a nice weekend, ladies.

[Kimmiebride]

Too beat for shouts today... spent all day cleaning my studio, which is great cuz now it's ready for amygrrl's baby portrait session :P

It is four months today. Almost longer without him than I had with him. I can relate to myangelsvw - it seems like many days are marked with some reminder of our grief. So glad my DH is coming home tomorrow. It's way to quiet around here. Off to bed...
Kimmie

[amygrrl]

Kimmiebride - it sucks you have to be going through all of this. it's getting close to a year since we lost avery. i wish i could tell you that it gets easier with time and/or with a new baby on the way. but it hasn't for us. the emotions for each child are seperate and time doesn't heal all wounds. we both still have crying jags multiple times a week. for us, all time has done is allow us to put all that pain into a little pandor's box. we lug that box everywhere with us and at any moment with even the smallest reminder, it can pop open. time just gives us the ability carry it a little better... if that makes sense.

and yes, we are SO looking forward to the portraits!

chocolate_truffle - aren't MILs the problem in every family? :)

myangelsvw - it does feel that way for a long time. i think you just get better at incorporating that sadness into your personality. like we know we are different people now and time has allowed us to get to the point where we embrace it. while we hate what we went through losing our daughter, we are grateful for the changes in us that occured b/c of it (even the underlying sadness we carry) b/c she was responsible for that. and to us, that validates her short little life and gives it meaning.

jennylou - how many times have we talked about this? it still astonishes me how people so close to you can be so insensitive and virtual strangers can be so caring.

astro - thinking only good thoughts for you.

~~~~~~~
since our induction date is april 5th and we are just a week and 1/2 from there, i'm making dan take me to avery's tree when he gets home this evening. it's been almost 6 weeks since we've been there b/c of the hospital and bedrest and i miss going there so much. maybe i'll pack us a picnic and we can sit there and have dinner.

[Astro]

cross-posted update...

went in for another u/s today at 7 weeks. They saw nothing but an empty sac, so sent us for a more detailed u/s. The detailed u/s showed the same thing. Looks like we'll be miscarrying in the next week.

non-cross-posted details. I'm going to go back to kimmie's for more of a virtual party. Anyone else want to join me?

[Ericka_Jarett]

So sorry to hear that Astro.

[jennylou]

astro - I'm sorry. :(

Jessie - I'm thinking about you today. I hope it was a peaceful day for you.

[Kimmiebride]

Astro NOOOOOOOO! Sweetie, I am so sorry. Here have some virtual hugs and a gallon of your favorite virtual ice cream.

I am just hanging in there... so exhausted all the time, which was fine when I was pregnant, but now I am tired of feeling like a truck ran over me. The cleaning ladies just left, and the place is so nice... I am gonna be broke, but I am gonna be living the clean life.
Gotta get some work done before DH gets home...
hugs,
Kimmie

[Bubbas]

Astro - I am so sorry!!!

[sophiapb]

I'm sorry, Astro. :(

[LDS Angel 19]

So sorry, Astro.
~~~~

Time to mix up some more vitual margaritas... I could use one.

[chocolate_truffle]

Astro -- I'm so sorry.

[Sully130]

I'm so very sorry Astro. It's just not fair.

[sophiapb]

Hey Sully! How are you and the bambino doing?

[amygrrl]

astro - i'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

[myangelsvw]

astro - I'm so sorry. I hope your next pregnancy brings strong betas and a healthy baby. But for today, I've got chocolate chip cookies with your name written on them. In cream cheese frosting.

chocolate truffle - I didn't read your advice until after my weekend was over, which was a shame. I totally needed that manicure you suggested. But many thanks to you and Kimmie for letting me know that it's normal to see reminders everywhere. It does make me wonder sometimes *how* exactly it can ever get easier. But everyone says it does, so I guess it must.

amygrrl - I'm gonna be out of town until your big day. So since I won't be here, I wish you a wonderful healthy birth next week.

**************

Quick question for everyone who got pictures from the hospital. Were you disappointed at all? I picked mine up this week, and I don't think they're very good. In fact, I find them pretty hard to look at. Which of course I feel horribly guilty about. But the boys looked so peaceful when I saw them, and the pictures don't capture that. I really wish we'd taken our own pictures. :(

[Kimmiebride]

Myangelsvw, I still find it hard to look at the photos from the hospital. I have thought of scanning them in and turning them black & white. I am very grateful they took them though, as it's something that makes Robert even more real. No one else has looked at them, not even my DH. He's the only one I would share them with if he ever wants to see them. Don't feel guilty. Be gentle with yourself, ok?

I just volunteered for a project called Moment By Moment. They send professional photographers to hospitals, hospice homes and home health settings to photograph children in their end stages of life. I shared my story with them, and told them I am not really strong enough for baby assignments at this point, but knowing how precious those photos are to me, I want to be involved. They work with children of all ages with many different conditions. The goal is to provide the family with images. They may never look at them, or they may share them with the world. It was a very emotional experience going through the training a couple of days ago. Not sure when I will get my first assignment, but I am sure it won't be easy, but it will be rewarding and a good way to give back for the things I have been given as a photographer.
love to you all,
Kimmie

[Astro]

myangelsvw thanks for the cookies. they sound fantastic. As for pictures. The hospital took two pictures of us holding our boys. Although I'm very thankful for having those pictues, since we don't have any others; the pictures don't look at all like I remember our boys. Our boys looked peaceful and perfect. They don't look like that in the picture. Their skin is all blotched (bruised), very odd looking, and we find it difficult to look at. We might try to scan them and change it to black and white. Hopefully that'll help.

kimmiebride Moment by Moment sounds like a fantastic thing to do. I bet it'll be very very emotional and difficult, but you'll be giving a priceless treasure to the families. I think you'll be great at it.

As for us, we're doing ok. I'm frustrated about what happened and annoyed that it sets us back a few months yet again, but hopefully we'll try again this summer.

[LDS Angel 19]

I just wrote a pretty large post and my computer ate it....blar.

I feel the same way about our picture of Alli. It was taken about 10 hours after she died and her skin was wrinkly and her hands were purple. It breaks my heart to look at it. But it's all I have.

Not much going on here. I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I finally got into counseling. It's going well, I had my third session today.
Nothing else is going on with me. Still waiting for AF (CD 57) and feeling very frustrated.

The Spring weather has started to show up around here, which is nice, but it's hard to enjoy sometimes.

Oh and Kimmie, that sounds like a wonderful oppertunity for you. I hope it goes well and I wish you strength for the difficult moments.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Kimmie - that sounds like a great opportunity.

Me - went for the 3 hour GTT 2 weeks ago, got the results, I failed it. Now on a GD diet and have to check my blood sugar 4 times a day once I get my meter in. My OB appt went well. Doctor couldn't get the heartbeat on the doppler again (I'm 12w 4d) so she turned on the u/s machine and we saw the baby just lying there (apparently sleeping) she started to push a little harder, jiggle my stomach a little and say come on baby move for me. As soon as she did that, the baby jumped and started moving it's arms up and down and than did a flip. Still couldn't hear the heartbeat as the machine is older than dirt. (grainy pics on the screen so I couldn't get a pic to post.)

[LDS Angel 19]

just wanted to bump us up and let Amy know I'm thinking of her and sending prayers that her induction tomorrow goes well.

Ericka, good luck with the diet.

[Kimmiebride]

Just dropping in to let everyone know amygrrl had Malin last night!
She called me at about 2:30 this morning and sounded great. There were some complications and Amy wound up having a C-section. Malin will need to spend a few days in the NICU because they think she has an infection. I'll be back later with anything new that I hear!

From Suzlywoozly in the other thread... I am thinking if Amy too, and was pleased to read that Malin is here. Sending her good vibes that the infection clears quickly, and Amy and Malin are home soon! much love Amy!!!

Ericka, sorry about the GD so early, but sounds like you have a good handle on working it out.

To all my friends, hoping for a gentle time...

Rant warning... I am so pissed at my medical team right now I can't even speak. My INR was the highest it has ever been (4.7) last Thursday, and so they made me go without medicine... so now it has dropped into the danger zone again big time. They seem to just be random about stuff (didn't they read my chart and know the last time they made me go without I dropped like a rock and ended up with a new clot in my other healthy lung???) I made them call my hemotologist. I am waiting for them to call back. If I get another clot, I am going to be so pissed with their nonchalant attitude about my life. Come on people... patients DIE from this crap all the time - like 600,000 a year - more than breast cancer and AIDS combined. It is nothing to take lightly. They don't seem to even think of how this is affecting me and MY LIFE. If I had a real job, I never would have been able to work... luckily for me I work for myself, and didn't take weddings for this time frame since I was supposed to be having a baby any day now. Very bitter. Indeed. Angry? you bet!!! Seeing the psych on Thursday. Poor guy... he doesn't know what he's in for...

end of rant...
Kimmie

[LDS Angel 19]

:eek: Wow, Malin is here! Yay!

[Astro]

amy Congratulations on Malin's arrival. :)

kimmie I'm so sorry your Dr's are such putzes (completely misspelled). I think your rant is rather mild compared with how nonchallant they appear to be. Don't they realize if they keep ticking you off, they'll tick us all off. Not a good idea. :) We could all come down there and kick some serious butt. It'd be kind of nice to have somewhere to direct the anger. :p

[Ericka_Jarett]

Congrats Amy and Welcome Malin!

Me - went to see the perinatalogist today. Got an u/s, baby is measuring right on target. Got new info about what may have actually caused Rebekah's passing. I have another u/s in 3 weeks, than another 2 weeks later and than 2 weeks later. (16,18 and 20 weeks)
More info is in my journal.

[jennylou]

One of the September mommas just lost her baby over the weekend - she was 18+ weeks along.:(

Today is the funeral - please keep the family in your thoughts.

Kimmie - Your Dr's are so awful! I'm sorry you're having to STILL go through this crap on top of everything else!

Amy - Ack, congrats! I can't wait to see pictures of baby Malin! I hope you are healing well. :)

Ericka - sorry about the GD, but glad they caught it early. I'm going to stop by your journal and check out the new info they have.

pictures - I am lucky in the fact that we do have pictures of Andrew. The unfortunate part is we have none of him facing forward, nor do we have any with his daddy (who was busy TAKING the pictures). If that's the one PSA I can give to anyone it's to make sure they take lots of pictures of their newborns. We do have a hospital picture that was taken hours after his death. It's so awful, so I know what you ladies mean about those pictures.

[goldengbridge]

Not really ready but here goes..

I lost my sweet baby Jacob on Monday. I started bleeding on Sunday and went to the hospital. They tried really hard to find a heartbeat through u/s but he was gone. They told me that i'd have to labor and deliver him I thought I die. They induced me at 10pm on Sunday night and at 4:24 am on Monday April 3rd, my sweet Jacob was born. I was 18w 4d. He was beautiful and was born with a smile on his face as if to say, i'm ok mom, don't worry, i'm ok. That is the thing i'll never be able to get over, his smile when i saw him. They said he'd been gone for about a week already. We buried him this morning. I cant beleive i had to bury my baby. He never did anything to anyone. I cant understand this, i cant even function right now. I know one day Iwill be ok but I cant see that happening anytime soon. I've got a 19 month old who is the love of my life so I know i need to be somewhat "ok" for him but I am just broken. I'm empty. Just dont know where to go from here.

I am so sorry for all of your losses. this is definately not a club anyone wants to be in.

Jen

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jen - Again I am so sorry for your terrible loss. Glad you came over to this thread though. Take all the time you need to grieve, don't let others say get over it or move on, if a special memory makes you smile, don't think you can't smile, enjoy that moment. This was your child and just like anyone that has lost a child, no matter what age, you need time to just mourn over the loss. Whenever you need to vent, be angry or upset, we are here to listen and will give you virtual hugs. This ladies are great and I have appreciated all the words I got over the last almost yr of having to be a member of this particular thread.

HUGSSSSS!!!!!

[Sully130]

My heart sank when I read Jenny's post about a September mom suffering a loss.

Jen, I'm so sorry you have need to find us, but I'm glad you did. I'm so very sorry you are going through this. What a bittersweet memory to have of your precious Jacob smiling. The loss of a child is something no one should ever have to endure and there is no quick remedy for getting through it. Just take it one moment at a time and know that you are not alone. Your friends and family may not understand you or know how to talk to you...but you are not alone. I wish you peace. Feel free to come in here and talk about it all you need to.

Amy - Not sure when you'll be checking in, but congratulations on the birth of Malin! I know you are so thankful that is one struggle that has finally come to an end. I can't wait to see a picture of her!

Pictures - I have a few that the hospital took and I don't think anyone has ever seen them but me. She looked so much better in person. The pictures aren't how I want to remember her. I took some pics with our camera and I had my DH take a picture of me holding her all swaddled in the blanket. That one is my favorite...I'm just looking at her and you can't really see her at all. That's what I prefer to remember...the love I felt/feel for her. My DH doesn't like to see them and I respect that completely. He never held her either.

[Astro]

jen I am so very sorry to hear about Jacob's death. You are correct in that this is a definitely a club you'd never want to have to join, but I hope you'll find it as supportive as most of us have. Please feel free to vent away in here, say whatever you want. Nothing you say will surprise us. We've all gone through very similar emotions. Take care of yourself and know we are all here when and if you need us.

[Kimmiebride]

Jen... so sad for the loss of your son Jacob. It's just the most unbelievable thing to lose your child. I am glad for you that you were able to hold him and see him and remember his smile. You will always treasure that and carry it in your heart. Please know that you are not alone, even when you feel so incredibly empty and sad. This bunch of ladies are the best support group I have had. We are here for you and we are grieving with you. I lost my son Robert at 18w3d.
Take care everyone!
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Jen - I'm sorry that you've been forced into our club. The other ladies are spot on though - this is a supportive group and nothing you say will shock us.

amy posted on lj so I'm sure she'll be over to update here soon.

Sully - how are you doing?

Question for those who are further along than I am or who have already had their rainbow babies....how did you deal with people asking you if you were excited about the baby? I mean, yes, I'm excited - but honestly, it's not the excitement I had with Andrew. There's a fear mixed in there. I feel like people don't understand why I'm not giddy about the baby. Some pry further - like an OB nurse last week. She works midnights at our hospital. I'm sure she went back and figured out who I was.

[LDS Angel 19]

Jen, I'm so sorry. You're right, babies shouldn't have to die. I still struggle with the "why" part of it 10 months later. I hope you have some close family and friends that are helping you out, maybe someone to watch Andrew sometimes when you just need time for yourself. And don't rush yourself in trying to get 'better'. Everyone grieves in thier own time. Do what feels right for you.
We're here for you whenever you need us, we'll always listen.

(((((HUS)))))

Michelle

[BrownEyedGirl]

I would like to tell you all that I am very sorry for all of your losses. I don't really belong here, but I need advice. My co-worker (male) had a baby 34 days ago...she was only 25 weeks. She had been doing very well this last week and they thought she would be off the vent and breathing on her own. Today he just found out that she is septic, and the outlook is grave at best. So my question for you is, Is there anything that I, or any of us at work, can do for them? I feel terrible for them and I hate seeing him go through this. So, what's best. Do I ask him about it, do I skirt around the subject and never bring it up, do I tell him how sorry I am? Should we send flowers, food, something else? I don't know anyone that this has happened to so I don't know what's best to do for them. The last thing I want to do is cause any more unwanted grief.

If anyone feels this doesn't belong in this thread, just let me know and I will remove it, I just wasn't sure where else to ask.

Thank you all very much.

[Sully130]

BrownEyedGirl- I'm glad you asked. Whatever you do, don't say nothing. More than anything, these people need to know that people on the outside are thinking of them and hoping for the best for their precious daughter. Send them a card or give them a call. Offer to do anything they need. Bring them food, mow their grass, offer to run an errand for them. Just let them know that you are there for them.

Their daughter is still alive and she still has a chance. If God forbid she doesn't make it, they will need your support more than ever. And I appreciated it more when someone said the wrong thing than when someone said nothing at all. That was so painful...to have people act like nothing had happened, as if my daughter's life meant nothing, or didn't exist.

I wish the very best for them and hope she can pull through.

[Kimmiebride]

BrownEyedGirl, people did the kindest things when I lost my son... even little things were so appreciated. Someone brought us food, many people sent flowers and mentioned our son by name, which was so beautiful. I did have a few people who I thought I was close to who said and did nothing... it cut to the bone, and unfortunately those relationships have really gone by the wayside. It's great that you want to help... follow your heart, and know that it will mean the world to them in this time of need. I hope she pulls through!!

I went to the shrink today... not really what I expected at all. He was nice, and I talked a bit, but it was mostly an informational session. I left with an anxiety management hand out, and a bottle of prozac. Has anyone taken this type of med to deal with anxiety? I am not depressed, but the anxiety is really tough to deal with sometimes. My biggest worry is that the prozac will just deaden me and I will lose my creativity as an artist, which would NOT be good obviously. My client's booked me to photograph their weddings and sessions because I can deliver... if this drug changes me profoundly, then I can't see taking it. Part of me is torn, since it would be nice to be rid of the paralyzing anxiety, and try to let my body heal itself from this clotting mess, but I am not willing to give up the thing that brings me true joy - my photography and album design career. I was very clear that if I did take it, it would only be for a few months, until we TTC again.

Any advice you ladies have would be greatly appreciated.
Kimmie

[BrownEyedGirl]

Thank you! My first response would be to not say anything and let him talk when he wanted to. I'm really glad to know that that isn't necessarily the best course. I've never been good with death of any kind.

If you could keep Elizabeth (his little girl) in your prayers, she's hanging on by a thread, and I'm hoping she can pull through this too.

Thank you again for your help.

Kimmie I did a search about Prozac and Anxiety and it looks like it is used a lot for anxiety as well as depression, OCD, bulemia, and more. You could call your MD and ask him/her about side effects and possible alternatives.

[jennylou]

kimmie - I'm not sure exactly about prozac, but a few people have started the "happy pills" (as they term them) on my FLs and they seem to have really turned a corner as a result of being on them.

browneyedgirl - Maybe the people at work could send a card and some food? When people asked if we needed anything, I know we were just so overwhelmed with everything that we would just tell people no. But there were many people who just came and showed up - with deli trays, with food, with a cleaning crew, etc. I never would have asked people (that's just not me), but it was truly appreciated when they just did something. And I agree with the others - don't not say anything - that hurts the most!

[Ericka_Jarett]

browneyed - People from my church brought us food for about a week. It was really nice and some came to visit, while others sent a card if they didn't attend the baby's funeral (praying your friend's baby makes it) Her funeral was on a Saturday so the Pastor said you guys take it easy and stay home and relax asa couple tomorrow, I will ask people to not call you for at least a day or 2.

[myangelsvw]

Jen - I'm so very sorry about the loss of Jacob. It's so unfair that all our babies didn't get their shot at life. And it's equally unfair that we have to be moms of babies that didn't live. I don't have any good advice on how to get through this -- I'm still crying every day -- but I do know that this thread has been a comfort. Just having others to say "yep, that's how I felt too" has been a big help. As for being "ok" for your oldest son, I can't be of any use since Vincent and William were my only children. But I think there were some suggestions in Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. It can be a hard book to read, but I thought it was really good, and it might be useful to you.

Kimmie - I totally understand your concern about the prozac. I still haven't filled my zoloft prescription. I go back and forth. Sometimes I think that the depression and anxiety and such are normal expressions of grief and don't require medication. Other times I think if there's a way to make this a little bit easier, why the hell not. But I flip flop frequently enough that I'm not taking it. I'm also still pretty much hiding from the world. If I had more in the way of responsibilities, I'd probably reconsider. Even then, I agree that it's more a temporary "reset" than a permanent thing. Oh, and I wasn't here to comment on the continued medical incompetence. Is there another practice you could go to? Just seems like they're not taking appropriate precautions to keep you healthy. Which is not cool.

BrownEyedGirl - I heartily endorse the suggestions of food. That was by far the most useful thing folks did for us. I couldn't even think about what to eat, so just having reasonably healthy stuff around was great. I also think offering your co-worker the chance to talk about his daughter is crucial. Lots of time, nobody really talks to the father. I can't tell you how many people asked *me* how my husband was doing and said nothing at all to him. He may not want to talk, but letting him know that he *can* if he wants to is really important.

jenny - Sorry I can't give any input. I can only imagine how hard all those questions must be. Maybe I'll just hide in my house when the time comes for us.

**************

So AF showed for the first time while DH and I were out of town. Good news, I suppose. We'll probably "try" this month although with our fertility issues, there's not much chance of getting pregnant. I need to call the RE to see about getting a consult to discuss next steps. We're hoping to start in June.

[LDS Angel 19]

Kimmie On the Prozac, I really don't know. I'm usually agianst drugs in most cases, but part of me thinks it couldn't hurt to just give it a try. I hope you figure out what will work best for you.

BrownEyedGir Everyone else has given you great advice, I don't have much to add. I'm keeping Elizabeth in my prayers.

myangelsvw Glad to see you back. I hope you can talk to your RE and they can offer you some good options.


Me: AF FINALLY decided to show, after 61 days. I'm quite glad actually. I'm ready to move on to a new cycle. So just hanging out on CD 3, and trying to convice DH to let me order some OPKs.
Therapy is going ok, no talk of meds for me yet but I feel it may be coming. We'll see I guess.

Wishing everyone a gentle day....

[sophiapb]

Jen-Omigosh, sweetie, I'm so sorry about your precious Jacob. It's an awful thing to lose a child and I hate that it does happen. Please don't rush into anything. Take your time, sob when you feel like it and accept any and all help and sympathy when offered to you. When you are feeling a little stronger, read through this thread and sob along with the rest of us. It hurts like hell but it's sooooo cathartic. I always felt better after I read other people's stories. It made me feel less alone and allowed me to see the healing process. Please come here whenever you need a good cry, a sympathetic shoulder or some place to vent. We are here for you. By the way, it was so wonderful that Jacob came out with a smile. He must have loved every second of his 18+ weeks with you and was letting you know.

BrownEyedGirl-I agree with what everyone else here says with one little exception. I personally HATED the flowers. They were one more thing that would die. Even now I shudder when I think about tossing out the dead stems. The biggest thing for us were people that came with food. I had no strength to cook anything and no appetite but when presented with food I would eat and feel so much better. Don't ask if they want it, just show up and drop it off. No need to visit or make chitchat because they probably aren't up for it but feed them! It makes such a difference. I hope that everything is okay given that you wrote your message yesterday and I will pray for Elizabeth (that would have been my DD's name if her brother had survived).

Kimmie-I was on a Prozac for a while and I did feel 'deadened" by it. Like I still felt sorrow and grief but didn't care. I personally didn't like it. However, it does act differently on different people. If you feel like you need it, I would suggest trying it for a week or so. It takes a few days to get into your system so don't expect immediate results. Sorry that the therapist wasn't too helpful.

Thrilled to hear that Malin arrived and I keep checking back here hoping for some happy updates.

Hope everyone else is well. I'm fighting a stomach virus so I'm lounging at home. Hoping it clears up for the weekend. :)

Edited because I can't spell.

[Kimmiebride]

Thanks to everyone for the advice on the drugs. I really was leaning toward not taking it, and now I feel even more strongly against it. I am not willing to lose my positivity in exchange for some possible moments of reprieve from the anxiety. Quite frankly, it's just not THAT bad, though I am much more emotional because my due date is approaching. I don't need to be protected from that... It's something I must go through, just like all the other experiences associated with this terrible loss.

Sophia, hope your tummy feels better, and LDS and myangelsvw... glad AF finally decided to show. Good luck to all of you who are trying for or are pregnant with your rainbow baby! I am really looking forward to being cleared for take off myself.
hugs,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

sophia brings up a great point about the flowers and them dying. OTOH, plants are nice, but I still feel like a failure everytime something dies on me (those big planters full of different plants - guess I just don't know how to take care of them all).

[Ericka_Jarett]

I agree with Sophia and Jenn. Stay away from plants and flowers. I got 2 arrangements of houseplants, also got one when my dad passed. All 3 are dead. The one from my dad's passing died about a yr after my dad. The ones from Rebekah died about 6 months later.

[goldengbridge]

Hi Girls

Re: the meds. I've been taking Xanex-the lowest dose since tuesday- just to sleep and its helping. It makes me really tired so i cant take it during the day because i've got a 19month old to chase after.

Jacob's funeral was beautiful. I didn't look up once because I was hysterical but from what I heard it was beautiful. We lost it when we saw his casket. That is something no one should ever have to see. We released baby blue balloons into heaven. Everyone let theirs go except me. My grandma said to me "You have to let go" Yeah right, its that easy, right. I'll never let go. It rained and snowed the whole way to the cemetary and when the ceremony started the sky opened up and the sun shone so bright. My baby telling me that one day the sun will shine again. I hope so anyway. DH went back to work Thursday so thurs and fri were really hard. Unforuntately i dont have a very supportive family so it was just me and DS. My mom actually sat at Jacob's funeral bitching about how her $80 flowers didnt get delivered. Just like her. She doesnt have a supportive bone in her body. Its a shame.

I cried and cried on thurs. It was supposed to be my level II. That was the day that they should have told me that he was perfect. He was perfect. He was my shot at a healthy baby. My 19 month old was born with a half of a heart. He was born not breathing and flown to Philadelphia at 2 hours old. He crashed on the helicopter and thank god they revived him. He has his first open heart surgery at 2 days old and then his second at 4 months. He has his heart cath next fri in preperation for his 3rd and god willing his LAST open heart surgery. I didnt hold him till he was 10 days old. I had big dreams for Jacob. I dreamed every night of being handed a healthy baby after delivery and actually leaving the hospital with a baby this time. It was hell leaving the hospital on tues morning. I wonder, will i ever leave that hospital with a baby in my arms.

Day by day. Andrew deserves the best and hes got a lot of things coming up at the end of this week. I've got to try to give him my best because he deserves it. I need my faith so bad right now to get me through but i just cant find it. I prayed every night for Andrew to be healthy for 9 months and he wasnt. I prayed for 5 months that Jacob would be healthy and ok. And although he was healthy (i had a ton of u/s) he got tangled in his cord and died. we've been through some damn much with Andrew. I cant understand it.And if one more person tells me that its Gods will or that god doesnt make mistakes i'm going to scream. And "Dont worry, you'll have another one" Like having another baby would replace Jacob in some way. I'd rather people say nothing that stupid stuff.

This really sucks.

[jennylou]

Jen - you are right - it does suck! I remember being were you were, in regards to faith, dealing with parents, etc. Amy and I went through our losses within weeks of each other and it was amazing to me how similiar things happened (like people sticking their big fat feet in their mouths!).

I hate, hate, hate when people tell me it was God's will, or that God must have a plan, etc. The kindest thing someone told me was from a mother who lost a teenage son, she said to me "No mother should have to feel what you're feeling". And that was it, then she gave me a big hug. But, she let me know that it was okay to feel however I needed to feel. And I knew that the feelings of confusion, rage, sadness, etc were all normal because she said that to me.

Don't worry, you'll have another. Ack. The other was, don't worry, at least you know you can get pregnant. Yes, thanks, did you know we used FERTILITY DRUGS? Or, don't worry, you're young, you'll have more - um, that's supposed to help me, how? And, no, I'm not that young damn it - my 18 year old sister that was due a month after me was young damn it - I felt old to be having my first baby!

Take all the time you need to grieve your baby. Katie (who is somewhere around CC though I don't think she's posted here) told me something someone told her after she lost her twins. You'll get through it, but you'll never get over it. And you don't have to.

[chocolate_truffle]

Hello Ladies. It's been awhile since I stopped by.

Jen -- I am so sorry for your loss.

IMO, it's perfectly within reason to question God or have a crisis of faith when you lose a child. Believe me, it's the first thing I'll be discussing with God when I see him. It's been nearly three years since I lost my first daughter to a cord accident, and I'm still working through my issues with God. In fact, we didn't have our second daughter baptized (much to my MIL's displeasure), because I didn't feel comfortable doing it while my relationship with God is up in the air, so to speak. If Brynna wants to be baptized, it will be her decision to make, because her mother will probably still be working on healing her relationship with God.

And, don't feel bad about taking Xanax. My DH took Xanax for a few weeks after we lost Sabrina, because his anxiety caused severe chest pains. He stopped using it when he felt like he could handle things on his own. Me -- I asked for a refill or two on the Ambien and Darvocet to take the edge off.

I wish you continued strength as you grieve for Jacob and care for Andrew during his upcoming heart surgery.

BrownEyedGirl -- The other ladies have given you some excellent advice, and I don't really have anything new to add. You are very kind to be thinking of what you can do to help your co-worker and his wife while their daughter is in the NICU.

Jennylou -- I love the "rainbow baby" term. With regard to your question, we told people we were "cautiously optimistic" anytime they asked about our feelings toward the pregnancy. Were we happy and excited? Absolutely, but our emotions were tempered because our innocence was gone.

Kimmie -- Your doctors suck! If I were you, I might be tempted to take the Prozac just to deal with their incompetence. It's time to switch practices and find people who know how to treat you.

Ericka -- Ugh! GD stinks! I had it with my first pregnancy and was borderline with my second pregnancy, so I am quite familiar with the food restrictions and testing four times a day. Both times, I found myself eating a lot of toast with peanut butter. It makes a good breakfast and afternoon snack. Good luck with the GD diet.

myangelsvw and LDS --Good luck with this cycle!

Sophia -- I hope you kicked the stomach virus.

And finally, a big congratulations to Amy and welcome Malin!

[amygrrl]

i'm sorry it's taken me a few days to get here to really post. this week has been such a roller coaster. i'm working on writing the birth story, but here are the highlights which might explain why we are so wiped out.


monday am went to l&d b/c malin's heartrate on my home doppler had a deceleration
dr saw nothing wrong with malin, but since i was scheduled for induction wed am, they decided to go ahead and induce
started dialated 4-5 and with pitocin went to 9. didn't have an epidural during this time and honestly wasn't in much pain. weird, i know. we were super excited that i might go all the way with no pain meds.
once i was around 9, anestesiology came in and suggested an epi, not for pain, but in case of need for emergency c-section. given previous stillbirth, my history of arythmias, gestational diabetes and malin being 2.5 weeks early. we agreed to the epi, since we figured it wouldn't be in long anyway since i was already at 9.
got the epi. for unrelated reasons after epi, malin's heart rate started to dip down to 60-80 during contractions
i freaked out. decels lasted only 10 seconds or so so dr said it was normal
at some point, was talking to dr about possibility of c-section and decels started lasting 30-45 seconds. dr said it was my choice, but due to my effacement, i may not be pushing for an hour or more
told the dr to do the csection. i was freaking at this point and just wanted her out.
went for emergency csection.
malin came out and was limp. initial apgar was 1
was told later that they put in a breathing tube due to her trouble breathing and did chest compressions as her heartrate was low
however, by the time they got her to the nicu (less than 5 minutes) she was screaming like a banshee
malin weighed in at 5 pounds 10 ounces
due to rough start and unknown causes, they kept her in the nicu until thursday. most likely cause in this scenerio would be infection, so they ran a course of antibiotics but could find no definitive signs of infection.
thursday they released her to our room.
she is jaundiced and spent friday under the bili lights and has a bili blanket at home
she's a bit too small to breastfeed as my nipples are flat/ inverted but we are pumping and hope to get her on the breast in a few weeks when she gets a bit bigger...


so i'm sure you all can understand how we have been on one heck of a ride over the last week... she was a miracle at conception when were told we couldn't conceive without more IVF... she was a miracle when we held off preterm labor for 6+ weeks... and her entry into the world and survival of birth is a miracle itself. we are beside ourselves when we think about her journey here... and to add to this, she was born on april 3rd and avery was born on june 3rd. we so feel like malin was a gift from her sister. and i just have to thank all of you girls for all of your support over the last 9 months. there's no way i would have made it through all of this with my sanity in tact without you!

but now the moment you've all been waiting for... introducing miss malin elizabeth...

http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e257/amygrrl/IMG_0461.jpg

[Ericka_Jarett]

Amy - Malin is just beautiful. Congratulations. Sorry to hear about the rough going with labor, but good for you in saying c-section, since you were not comfortable with the heartrate. Again Congrats.

[sophiapb]

OMG, Amy, Malin is beautiful! I am so happy that she is doing well despite the intital scare. Your post had me gasping, freaking and crying so I can only imagine what YOU went through. Congrats to you and DH on your gorgeous miracle. :D

[Kimmiebride]

Amy!!!!!!! oh, she's so beautiful! what a miracle indeed! Can't wait to meet her!!!
love and giggly baby noises!
Kimmie

[LDS Angel 19]

Amy, she is amazing, and truly a miracle. I'm so overjoyed for you. Congrats.

[goldengbridge]

Amy- She's beautiful. congrats

Ericka- Word on the street is your birthday is wed? True? If so we're birthday buddies.

Jenny- Thanks for your post. The quote "You never get over it, you just get through it" makes total sense to me.

***************************************
We visited Jacob's grace for the first time yesterday. It makes me so sad to see such a small hole for such a small casket. Breaks my heart. I feel like part of my is laying in the ground with him. I really want to go and pick out a marker for him but I'm going to wait till things calm down in the next few weeks with Andrew. Like I mentioned earlier we'll be in Philadelphia with him for a few days this week for his cath.

We're supposed to go to my grandmas for easter but I'm seriously reconsidering this since yesterdays she called and DH talked with her... he told her i'm not up for conversation yet... and she told him that thats a shame because I really need to try not to think about it so much????? WTF???? Its been a week today. Are you kidding me? I cannot even beleive it.

I have a question. I keep feeling this need to visit my thread that i had joined and belonged to the whole time i was pregnant but I know that i cant because it going to break my heart to see them all finding out the gender and talking about babies. How did you guys handle that?

[LDS Angel 19]

Jen As far as Easter, If you're not up to seeing family, don't worry about it. Do what you feel is right for you. That was a very harsh comment. I've gotten that comment several times actually and it never really hurts any less. We'll always think about and remember our children.

And as for the threads, I was REALLY bad with that. I actually just unsubscribed from the October 05 thread about two weeks ago. I lurked there a ton. I felt so horrible, like I wasn't allowed to say a word about my situation, I didn't want to freak everyone out. At first I felt like if I posted they might feel like I was contagious or something. And then later as time passed and they all had thier babies we just didn't have anything in common. It made me so sad. So yeah. Hopefully it's a little better for you. I think it's fine to pop in every now and then, even if it does just make you cry, crying can be good sometimes.

((((HUGS))) I'm still thinking of you and your little family.

[jennylou]

jen - don't feel bad if you don't want to go. We were nearly six months out and almost didn't go to Thanksgiving. We only celebrated Christmas Eve this year and not Christmas Day. You have to do what is right for you and your family. As for the threads, I was bad with it too. How can we not be? I mean, all we want to do is have everything go back to the way it was. So, reading those threads seemed like a good plan - only it always just turned into a sob fest for me. I still pop in on my May '05 mommies from time to time.

[LyLMyssChaos]

Jen~~
I just wanted you to know that all of the September mommies are thinking about you and we are keeping an eye on you. We totally understand if you don't want to stop by, or if you want to lurk, or if you want to participate. You have been through an experience that no parent should ever have to go through. Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers as you grieve and try to find some way to heal from this ordeal. Andrew will be in our thoughts and prayers as well for his upcoming ordeals. You take all of the time you need, and to heck with anyone else. And I'm a pretty frequent lurker here in this thread, so if you want any messages passed on, I'll be more than happy to pass them on for you!
I know it's not much, but ((((HUGS))))!!!

[myangelsvw]

Amy - Malin is beautiful. Look at that hair! I'm so happy that she made it to you safely. She truly is a miracle among miracles. I'm glad Avery did such a good job watching over her.

Jen - Regarding big events, our social worker gave us lots of good advice. The biggest piece being that you may not know how you feel in advance -- you might resent being left out of something you really wanted to do or you might feel no desire to be around people. And either one is totally fine. And other people need to be prepared to deal with that and with last minute changes of your plans. And if they can't? That is totally their problem because your reactions are completely normal. That said, if your grandmother is saying things like that, I'd be pretty tempted not to go. You don't need to be around people like that. Maybe there's someone more supportive in your family who could bring you some food afterwards or something?

sophia - You feeling better yet?

chocolate truffle - Thanks for the good luck wishes. Send 'em super strength if you don't mind. We have pretty severe infertility issues, so normal conception is pretty darn unlikely.

Michelle - Did you get the OPKs? I have a couple left from last summer, but I probably won't use them this month since I'm saving them in case I get to do a "natural" FET cycle.

Ericka - Hope you're doing ok with the GD diet and everything is going smoothly.

never getting over it - I've had several people tell me about having an elderly relative who still talks about the baby that died. Really brings home this idea that jenny mentioned -- that it will always be a part of us. While it makes me glad to know that I'll never forget my boys, it makes me sad, too. And I do wonder how I'll ever be able to think about William and Vincent without this overwhelming sadness.

plants - Our last plant just died recently. I really should throw it out, but it's so hard to bring myself to do it.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jen - word has it right, that's cool we are both April 12th ladies. Happy Birthday early!!!! Hope things go well in Philly (I am over just over the bridge in NJ)

As for visiting the thread you were a part of, do what feels right for you. I was part of the August thread and visited soon after I had Rebekah, just to thank everyone for the condolences. Than a while later after they had their children. Everyone was really supportive and letting me vent if I needed to, which I mostly tried to keep in a journal instead though. Just take time for yourself right now.

[goldengbridge]

Ericka- Happy Early birthday to you too! I think I'm skipping this one this year though. I'll turn 25 next year.....again:rolleyes:

Lymisschaos- Thank you for your kind words and also for keeping Andrew in your thoughts and prayers. The next few days and months are going to be trying and he can use all the prayers he can get!

Thanks for all your replies. I've been crying enough so I may hold on visiting anyway for a little while.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jen - lol. This year I will take the 32, although I should say I am 25 again LOL :)

[goldengbridge]

Happy Birthday Ericka! Hope you're having a better one than me:rolleyes:

[Ericka_Jarett]

Happy Birthday Jen!! Sorry your not having a great b-day this year.

Mine is ok, considering I am on the diabetes diet and today was the official start of taking my blood sugar readings until I deliver. Breakfast I blew was 136 when I need to be 120 and under. Lunch I was great 81 and needed to be between 80-120. Fasting I was 94 and needed to be between 80-100. We are going to have sushi tonight I think for my dinner, so will see how much I kill it tonight. Hope I don't blow it and can find more protein into my diet today.

Keeping busy outside in the yard, getting some activity so hopefully that is helping my numbers as well.

[myangelsvw]

Chiming in with a Happy Birthday for Jen and Ericka!

[LDS Angel 19]

Happy belated birthday to Jen and Ericka. I hope it was an ok day.

I feel like rambling today...
I don't know where I've been recently, but it ust hit me yesterday that Easter is nothing but another happy moment we'll be missing out on. I was in Target buying some candy to give to the kids in our Sunday school class, and I found the most adorable pink and white Easter basket and almost bought it. But then I remembered I don't have anyone to buy it for. Yeah, I could take it to the cemetary, but that's just not the same ya know? Ugh.
But at least I spoke up with my family, unlike at Christmas. DH and I are going to spend Easter quietly at home by ourselves. Anyone else have any plans?

[Kimmiebride]

We're going to Tahoe for Easter week. We leave on Saturday. All the easter cuteness hit me at the grocery store today too...

Feeling a bit better, though tired from my conference in Vegas. It was a great inspiration, and I can't wait for my next wedding! Off to bed now, before I end up staying up too late!
hugs,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Easter - we'll go to mass, then the cemetary, then to an early dinner (around 1pm) at the ILs (early b/c SIL/BIL will then spend the evening w/her family). DH only goes to the cemetary on holidays usually, or if we're over in that direction and I force him to, so I'm glad he's going. Speaking of the cemetary, I finally feel ready to deal with the headstone, so I'm going to work on that next week.

I bought some baby girl clothes this week. It's the first thing we've bought for this baby. I just hadn't felt comfortable until now. And it's not that I'm super comfy, I just keep finding cute girl stuff that is on sale. I mean, how can you pass up a $5.00 adorable dress and diaper cover?

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hope everyone is had a good Easter. My mom came down from NY state and so we just had dinner at home after church. We stopped at the cemetary and put flowers out on my dad's grave and on Rebekah's. Tomorrow would have been her 1st b-day. I am handling it ok though, trying to focus on keeping healthy with this pregnancy.

[goldengbridge]

Ericka-I've been thinking about you all weekend re:tomorrow. I hope you have strength and peace tomorrow.

Andrew had his cath on Friday and did wonderfully. Heart function looks wonderful and they didn't need to stent his pulmonary artery. Surgery will be late august/early sept.

Easter was ok. We did end up going to my grandmas and it was ok. We took Jacob an easter basket. It just kills me looking at his little grave. I dont know if it will ever get easier.

OB's office called last week. Placenta came back fine- no infection. I knew deep down though that everything was ok.

Its been 2 weeks and it feels like 2 years. I hope everyone else is well!

[jennylou]

ericka - I'm thinking about you today and tomorrow.

Jen - I still cry at the cemetary everytime that I go. DH only goes when I ask him (usually on holidays). So, yesterday we both went and I can tell you that he has a much harder time these days than I do at the cemetary. I think that's b/c I go more often. I don't know - I didn't think it was getting easier, I mean, I still cry and am sad, but seeing DH reminded me of what it was like when I was first going.

[LDS Angel 19]

Kimmie Hope you had/are having fun in Tahoe.

Jenny I hope the headstone selection process goes ok. I remember it was tough, and finally seeing it after it was placed was tougher, but now I'm so glad that we have it. (Well, as glad as one could be to have a child in a cemetery...)

Ericka I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I can't imagine how it feels, I still have trouble with the 17th of every month...

Jen So glad you got good news for Andrew, And I'm glad Easter was ok.

As for me, it was a rough weekend. I'm VERY glad we kept to ourselves. When we went to the cemetery yesterday, she already had flowers that someone else had brought. Turns out it was my MIL. It touched my heart so much that she remembered.
Not much else going on. Starting tomorrow we're house sitting for friends of ours, they have a huge house on a lake so it's like a mini-vacation for us. I'm looking forward to it.

[goldengbridge]

Ericka- Thinking of you. Hugs.

Thanks for all the well wishes for Andrew. I appreciate them.

Jenny- Thanks for letting my know that crying is normal.

So i went to get my hair cut on saturday- its been so long and i thought it would make me feel better and i freaken run into someone who hasnt heard yet. She asked me if we found out what we were having. I just sat there with a shocked look on my face. Did anyone have to deal with that and how did you react. Its still too new for my to talk to people about it public. I'm camping out in my house. I just dont want to deal with people.And yes, i'll have to go out eventually.

[myangelsvw]

Ericka - Thinking of you and Rebekah today.

Jen - Glad Andrew's procedure went well. As for running into people who don't know, you'd be surprised at how long you can hide in your house. I'm still doing it at 10 weeks. Seriously, though, I still can't really tell people about what happened with any ease. I usually start with about a dozen "Ums" and "Uhs". I keep meaning to practise my "line" but it's different saying it to a person. Plus, I'm still trying to decide which version I want to use. The short version goes "I gave birth prematurely and neither twin survived." The longer version is "I went into preterm labor and the twins were born premature. Our first son lived almost an hour and our second son died during birth." I do think having a standard statement will help, but I'm not there yet either.

Michelle - It's very touching and sweet that your MIL took flowers to Allison for Easter. I'm glad you did the right thing for yourself over the weekend. I'm sure having Easter so close to the 17th made it even tougher for you. So that makes it particularly nice that someone else remembered her.

Jenny - Let us know what you decide on the headstone. And I'm glad to hear you're finding some good deals on baby girl clothes. I'm sure it must be terrifying to buy things, but good for you for doing it.

Kimmie - Hope you're enjoying Tahoe!

***************
Warning: Serious venting ahead.

As for me, I'm feeling tired. Beaten. Ready to just give up. It's sounds superficial, but the weight issue is what really got me down yesterday. I've been doing everything right -- eating well, going to the gym regularly -- and I have not lost a single pound of the remaining baby weight in eight weeks. It's so collossally unfair that I get the postpartum body (sagging bbs, extra flab around the middle, etc) without getting to have my babies. Not to mention being reminded of that loss everytime I get dressed or look in the mirror. I feel like my body is betraying me yet again. So if I'm always going to fail, what's the use in trying so hard. At anything. It's a long list of failures -- losing weight, having a career, carrying my babies, TTC. I've been taking the stupid prenatal vitamins for 2.5 years now. I'm tired of TTC. I ovulated over the weekend, but it feels so futile as nothing ever comes of it. And I sure as hell don't want to do IVF again. It's just too much to ask me to invest so much effort after so much failure. I know I will, because there's nothing else to do. But it's too much to ask.

[jennylou]

myangelsvw - I have been so perfect so many times in respect to my diet/exercise and the weight just wouldn't budge. So, all I can ask is what sort of diet are you doing? I think we all have different metabolisms and process different foods differently. For me, I finally found the diet where I lose weight! I tried Atkins and just got too sick with zero carbs. I tried WW but the weight didn't budge. I tried just "eating healthy" and I would lose a few and that would be it. Finally, I tried South Beach Diet and that's when the weight started melting off. Of course, I know I have to stick to it for it to work - whenever I would sort of stray I could immediately tell because I would stop losing. All that to encourage you to try something a bit different - even if that means switching up what you're doing exercise wise. It does suck to have the belly and all. After Andrew, I had a dunlap roll (Simpson's reference), I've never had this - even though I'm heavier, I've always been leaner in the waist area. There are so many injustices to it all - the post partum belly, PP emotions, leaking boobs (Gosh these pissed me off!), my c/s incision, etc, etc, etc. I hope you start losing, I know how much that helped to improve my outlook.

Jen - Shortly after I returned to work, someone called over (I was answering the phones). Anyways, he commented how surprised he was that I was back at work already. Then he asked how the baby was. Gah - it was like a knife through the heart all over again. I don't know how long I paused, but when I answered him it was through sobs. I'm sure I was a sight - running through the halls towards the bathroom as I told my coworker that he was on the phone for him. After I had myself back together my coworker told me how sorry the guy was. Even now it's hard. I don't know when that knife through the heart feeling will go away.

Michelle - I'm so glad that your mil remembered Allison.

kimmie - hope you're having a good time in Tahoe. :)

**********************

I have a minor vent as well. This weekend we went to our godson's third birthday party (this is DHs cousins son). Anyways, only the immediate grandparents/siblings and those with kids were invited. We were invited I guess b/c we're the godparents. Anyways, one of DHs other cousins showed up. Now, mind you, this was the first time that we had seen her since my baby shower a YEAR ago. After Andrew died, she did not come to the funeral. Okay, it was during the day and we only had one viewing and yes, people do have to work, so that can sort of be excused, right? But, here's what really pissed me off - she never even sent a card. I mean, how hard is it to stick a card in the mail to your cousin who has just lost a son? Anyways, flash forward to now. She never mentioned Andrew at all - nothing. And then, it was like she pretended I'd never even been pregnant before. Telling me things that I heard all throughout my first pregnancy, the things people tell you about being a parent, kwim? So, here she was telling me how it was going to be to be a parent. And this is a fairly nice girl. I've never had issues with her....but this just wasn't cool.

[myangelsvw]

Jenny - If she left there without a smack down? You get the Self-Control of the Year award.

[sophiapb]

Ericka-How are you doing, sweetie? We're all here for you. :)

Hey Kimmie-Thinking of you in Tahoe (with just a smidge of jealousy) ;)

Michelle-Aww, I loved that your MIL left flowers on Allyson's grave. I got misty eyed.

jennylou-Weird about your cousin. What's up with that? Honestly, depending on my mood, I might have responded something like "I know. I've had a child before. Remember?"

Jen-I'm so glad things went well with Andrew. That's such wonderful news. As to your run in with someone not "in the know", yup, that's going to happen. I had a practiced response that always ended somewhere along the lines of "Oh look at the time! Goota go!" as I sped away. The person who asked the question is going to feel awkward and awful so I would tell the truth and then end it as quickly as possible, both for my sake and for thier's. A funny story that I remember from one of my support groups was a husband went to his regular pizza place the day after coming home from the hospital after his wife lost thier daughter at 33 weeks. He was picking up a pizza when the owner behind the counter asked about the baby. The husband said "She was stillborn three days ago." and then absolute silence fell over the restaurant. Then the husband finished the story by saying "And then he charged me for the pie!" and EVERYONE in the group, including me and DH, was shocked that he was charged. It was actually pretty funny.

myangelsvw-I wish I could tell you there's a magic pill that get's the weight off but my size 18 ass is still on that quest. What has worked for me in the past has been taking long evening walks which is very therapeutic both physically and mentally as well as cutting back on the carbs but not totally eliminating them. I lost 15 pounds for my wedding that way. Another way is to go to Ireland. It's one of the most beautiful countries I've ever been to with the friendliest people I've ever met but the food sucks! I lost 5 pounds in 7 days despite the fact that I was drinking pints and pints of Guinness. I'm sure I'm going to get flamed by an Erin or a Colleen at some point but I'm willing to risk it to pass on my one surefire diet tip! ;) Hmm, now that i'm thinking about it, my size 18 ass is going to go check if Aer Lingus is offering any specials!

[Astro]

I'm going to chime in and agree on the not fair with regards to weight. I'd gained weight due to all the stuff trying to get pregnant, then the pregnancy with the boys, then after the miscarriage the weight didn't want to come off. It's so frustrating.

7 months after the death of our boys, I still don't know how to answer people when they ask what happened. I think I'm coming off a little blunt now days.

Time to vent about Easter and babies and rude people...

We had a few friends over for Easter as well as my MIL. She was actually in town visiting us for the first time since the wedding and wanted to go see the boys. We saw them Easter morning, then had the friends coming over for dinner. One of the couples recently had a baby girl (1 month after our boys were due). We'd had them over before for a superbowl party, and all she talked about was being pregnant and trying to get information about breastfeeding. Guess what Easter dinner's conversation was about... breast feeding. 2 1/2 hours of talking about breast feeding and pumping! :eek: :eek:

I could tell my MIL wasn't comfortable with the conversation, but we couldn't get on anything else. The new mom cornered the other mom there (mom of 2 1/2 year old) and used the entire time to "gather" information. Apparently it upset my DH more than me. I just figured she was rude and clueless, he was offended and thinks she was being disrespectful. They all know what we've gone through.

I was doing fine until after dinner. The new mom came up to me when I was cleaning up in the kitchen. She started talking about how uncomfortable she can get if she doesn't feed her baby frequently. She's breast feeding. She had the audacity to say, "my breasts get a little hard and sore." I so wanted to turn to her and say, "Really? Gosh, I wouldn't know what that was like since my boys never got the chance to breast feed. My breasts became swollen and engorged when my milk came in, but there was nothing I could do about it." Instead, I bit my tongue and ignored her.

Yesterday my DH decided we won't be having them over again for many reasons, but mainly due to their disrespect and thoughtlessness. I'm so lucky he is such a supportive wonderful man. :D

[chocolate_truffle]

Ericka -- I'm thinking of you and Rebekah today. :)

Kimmie -- Woo Hoo for Tahoe! I hope you're having a restful and relaxing time.

LDS -- I'm another one who dreads the 17th of the month. The day will never be the same for me. I hope you're enjoying your house sitting mini vacation.

Jen and myangelsvw -- When we lost Sabrina, I hid out in my house for three months. It wasn't that I didn't try to leave the house, it's just every single time I did, I found myself surrounded by pregnant women and babies -- the grocery store, the mall, restaurants, etc. It was like the universe was playing a cruel joke on me. It was just easier to stay at home, where I felt safe and protected.

And, it's hard to tell people who don't know, especially when you're caught off guard. When Sabrina died, I decided not to go back to work. The plan was to be a stay-at-home mom and going back to work was hardly a consolation prize. A year later, my old law firm asked me to do some contract work on a few of my old cases. It seemed like a good idea -- everyone knew what had happened, so I thought I wouldn't have to go into any details. Wrong. The first day, the doorman at our building asked about "the little one." So, I had to tell him what happened. Within the first week, two of our copy vendors wanted to know what brought me back to work with "the baby at home." And, while most of my old coworkers were great, a few of them treated me like damaged goods -- constant looks of pity, talking in hushed tones around me, etc. It's never easy, explaining what happened to people.

Jennylou -- I'm sorry about your cousin's insensitivity. People make stupid comments, and family can be the worst. After Brynna was born, my MIL kept harassing me about how I really needed to take care of myself -- "Oh, you need the full six weeks to recover after a regular delivery, so you should really be careful since you had the c-section" -- as if I hadn't been through childbirth and recovery with Sabrina. Thanks for the advice, MIL!

Astro -- Ugh, I'm so sorry about the Easter from hell. People suck. Sometimes, you have to distance yourself from toxic people for your own sanity. A friend of mine became pregnant about six months after we lost Sabrina. Her life was a total train wreck -- the pregnancy was unplanned and the baby's father was married to another woman (they were separated, but he had no plans to finalize his divorce). So, I tried to be a good friend to her, and as painful as it was, I helped her shop for maternity clothes and baby gear. After the baby was born, I listened to her complain about breast engorgement, sleep deprivation, and being a single parent -- she broke up with her boyfriend because he was cheating on her with his wife, if that makes any sense. At this point, I decided to put the friendship on hold. It's still on hold. The last I heard, she had a new boyfriend and was pregnant again. It sounds like a soap opera, doesn't it? :rolleyes:

Sophia -- LMAO about the "Irish" diet. I'll have to try it.

[myangelsvw]

Thanks, everyone, for letting me vent this morning. Sometimes you've just gotta get that stuff out before you can feel any relief. And, as usual, it helps to know it's not just me struggling with this.

sophia - Ireland, huh? Heck, yeah! That's my kind of diet! :D

astro - I'm so so sorry your friend was so insensitive. It was kind of you to invite her for Easter and she didn't return the thoughtfulness. It sounds like you and DH made the right decision about minimizing contact going forward. In my book, you were generous to give her a second chance after her behavior during the Superbowl. But then, I think you and Jenny must be better people than me. :p ;)

chocolate truffle - So I've got two more weeks before I have to face the music. I know, I know. It's probably unrealistic for me to expect to magically feel better at three months, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway. And speaking of dieting, you, my friend, have a veeeerrrry tempting user name. No fair making us all crave chocolate when we're trying to be good.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thanks ladies. It means a lot. Yesterday was harder for me than today actually. Hard to believe it's been a year already.

[Sully130]

Ericka - You have been in my thoughts. Sorry to hear yesterday was even worse than today. I hope tomorrow is much better.

~~~~~~~

I'm so terribly behind in this thread. I've been busy trying to prepare for the baby and get moved into our home now that I'm finally off of bedrest. Today has been a bad day for me a bit in that it's been a year since we found out something was terribly wrong, fatally wrong, with our daughter. That day was just so horrible for me and I'm surprised by how easily and vividly I can remember how I felt that day.

Saturday will be a year since Hannah's birth and death. I have a hard time calling it her "birthday" because it wasn't a happy occasion...and it wasn't supposed to be her birthday. She was supposed to be born, healthy, in August.

And just to add to all the emotions of this week, I've got an "up" part to the roller coaster. I've been scheduled for an induction on Thursday. I'll be 38w5d. Seeing how my water broke in my 16th week (and apparently resealed), it's so amazing that now I'm being induced. I'm nervous and excited...but I'm also sad for the daughter who can never be replaced. I was worried my son would be born on her day, but looks like he won't be. THe doctor was very understanding about that. I appreciated that tremendously. Anyway, please keep us in your thoughts.

[jennylou]

Jenny - If she left there without a smack down? You get the Self-Control of the Year award.

I should note that I did not spend much time with the women after that. I excused myself and joined the men in the garage - I mean, at least I can talk with them without having them throw advice my way, unless it's advice about cars, fixing things, etc. ;) I don't give a hoot if any of the women thought that I was rude - if it gets back to me I'll let them know who was being rude. ;) We don't see this cousin often enough for me to have said anything, or I would have. I found it odd that she never sent a card and decided I wouldn't be inviting her to anything in the future - but the way that she acted this weekend, ha, as far as I'm concerned, I don't even care if I ever run into her again. :p

sully - Thinking about you today as well. I am so excited that you've made it this far, you've certainly defied many odds. And for once, you're on the good end of a rare stat. :D

Ericka - time just goes so fast. We'll be coming up on our one year next month. Sometimes it doesn't seem possible that it's been that long.

chocolate_truffle - I agree, your username is making me crave chocolate! might be time for another virtual party in here :).

Astro - I'm sorry that your friends were so insensitive. I think as time goes on they sort of forget the hurt that you are feeling everyday. Our worlds have stopped, but theirs keep going - at least that's what a wise happy once said in my lj. Sucks, but I think it rings true.

sophia - You know, I don't think I've ever heard much in the way of Irish cuisine. ;)

[Ericka_Jarett]

Sully - Thank you so much. I can't tell you how happy I am for you with having the baby before Hannah's day. I can't wait to see pics of that healthy beautiful baby boy of yours. I will be praying for you this week and hope all goes well with the delivery.

[sophiapb]

Yay, Sully! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Pictures, pictures, we want PICTURES!

Well, ladies, it appears that I am finally getting over my cold and stomach flu but now have to deal with migraine headaches, a possible sinus infection, dry heaves and gagging when I brush my teeth since...............



























I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG! OMG! OMG! I still have to get it confirmed by my doctor, who can't see me until MONDAY :mad: , but morning sickness with a vengeance made the POAS more of a formality than anything else and the result was two +HPTs. Of course, now I have all the fears of miscarriage or a chemical pregnancy or whatever else my sick mind can think up but I'm going to enjoy this while I can and take each day as it comes. My due date is December 24 so I've got an early Christmas gift to look forward to! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

[Ericka_Jarett]

sophia - Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[myangelsvw]

sophia - !!!!!!! Congratulations, sweetie! That's truly wonderful. I'm very very very very happy for you.

Sully - Congrats to you too. Thursday can't get here soon enough, I'm sure. Wait. That's tomorrow! Holy cow! Good luck.

Jenny - Thanks for helping me not feel like the Meanest Lady on the Thread. ;)

Ericka - Glad yesterday was ok.

********

Wow. So many pregnancies and soon-to-be babies. I'm so happy for everyone. All of you deserve the best that life has to offer -- especially healthy babies. But I'm sad, too. Am I allowed to say that? It's just that I'm so afraid I'll be left behind everyone here, just like it feels I have been everywhere else. I know none of you will forget the rest of us, but nobody ever said emotions are rational. I suppose it's why they're not called logic. :p

As context, I got my crosshairs this morning and it just made me angry. Quite a contrast from how it used to be. I remember the first time I charted and how excited I was when my chart showed ovulation. But now that sex doesn't equal pregnancy and pregnancy doesn't equal babies, the whole process makes me mad.

[Astro]

myangelsvw Of course you're allowed to say your sad. It is odd to be so happy for so many of our friends here and so sad at the same time. I am thrilled with each and every baby that comes along in this thread, and I wouldn't want the mommies and soon-to-be mommies to stop posting; but I know what you mean about feeling sad and left behind.

[sophiapb]

Awww, myangelsvw, yes, I do know what you mean and I almost didn't post my news. However, watching Jenny and Ericka get pregnant again and continue on with healthy pregnancies really gave me hope. I was, and still am, SO excited for them.
When I lost Alexander, it felt like the world had caved in. The only thing that made me feel better was rationalizing that Alexander went back to get someone else who's supposed to be here. Granted, that took me months to get to that point but that's the only reason why I could see that he wasn't here with us. And I've seen it demonstrated over and over on this thread. I don't think Malin would be here if Avery was here, I don't think Brynna would be here if Sabrina was here, I don't think Jenny and Ericka would be pregnant if Andrew and Rebekah were here. There was a reason why we lost Alexander and whether I give birth to a baby, go through adoption or became a foster mother to whatever child needs me, I will find that reason. As will you.
I first came to this thread as a lurker, afraid that I would be unwelcome because I have a surviving child and instead found some pretty amazing women that were willing to share thier fears, concerns, nightmares and hopes. No one will be left behind on this thread because this thread is about support and hope. We all have it and we're all willing to accept it and share it as need be. We root for positive betas, mourn for missed pregnancies and offer our strength to whoever needs it.
At this point, I'm not too proud to ask for as many sticky vibes as people are willing to give me and am planning on enjoying this pregnancy today as much as possible because who knows what tomorrow may bring?

[Ericka_Jarett]

myangelsvw - you can feel sad and upset. You can't get rid of me though, I promise I am here for the long haul. I found a lot of comfort in this thread in the months that have passed since losing Rebekah. No one here will judge you, they know what you are feeling for real and not just saying I know how you feel like some people may say to you. We all really know how you feel, having suffered the same horrible loss. Nothing you say can shock or surprise us, we have a unique bond on this thread. We all laugh, cry and rejoice with each other at even the tiniest thing.

I was upset when I heard a couple at my church was expecting before me again. I was thrilled and yet sad at the same time for Sully when she announced her pregnancy with her baby boy. I'm so happy for her that she meets her son within the next day or so. :) Sully and I were part of the August board together and we lost our girls the same week. I think if nothing else it made everyone else more aware of just how fragile these little lives are and to make sure to take care of themselves and talk to the doctor about their concerns and worries.

I know I wouldn't be pregnant now had Rebekah lived. I think of that often, I miss my 1st baby terribly and try to stay strong for this one. I told my OB when I saw her in December for a follow-up to Rebekah's passing. I want to be pregnant again so badly and not to replace Rebekah as she was my first and will always be. When it didn't happen at 8 months after my loss, I was so upset and thought it would never happen again. It was a test of my faith as well for me. The Lord prove Himself faithful to me when I got pregnant in January. I prayed all the time and was always reminding Him of the promise He gave me.

It will happen for you again when the time is right, for some it's quick others it takes a long time. We will all be here to cheer you on with your next pregnancy and celebrate the birth of your beautiful baby and the siblings that follow. Always remembering the ones that went on ahead. Just take this time to grieve your recent loss of your precious boys and take comfort in knowing they are in some great hands and with you always. They were in your arms for a moment, but they will stay in your heart forever. Even when you are old and gray, you will remember them.

[jennylou]

sophia - congrats! :)

No one will be left behind on this thread because this thread is about support and hope. We all have it and we're all willing to accept it and share it as need be. We root for positive betas, mourn for missed pregnancies and offer our strength to whoever needs it.

This too is my hope for this thread. :)

I love when one of "us" get pregnant, finally have a baby, etc. Ericka, Sully, Amy, Sophia, Michelle and myself went through losses one right after another (IIRC). We might not have anything else in common, but I will root for each one of these ladies on their journey to having a healthy sibling for their angel babies. And this same holds true for my new friends here. The ones I hate to welcome to this group. And yet, it amazes me the compassion that I see here when a new member arrives, we open the circle a little wider. We don't want anyone to feel left out.

But are you allowed to be sad that it's not you? Absolutely! I've felt the same way about many of the girls in the SAI thread while I was there. I felt the same way about my SIL when she got pregnant within a month of us losing Andrew. It's not that I didn't want her to be pregnant (heck, she'd tried for two years!), it's that I wanted to be pregnant too - to have that hope of a baby back!

All that babbling to say that I really appreciate each and every single one of you in this thread. I appreciate that you can say anything here and it's understood. I cry with you, I laugh with you, and I celebrate when you celebrate. And I hope and pray that all of us are celebrating our rainbow babies sooner, rather than later.

[LyLMyssChaos]

Sully & Ericka~~
I just wanted to stop by and let you both know that you are in my thoughts. I remember VERY vividly when you both lost your little ones as they both happened the week I had my son, and as we think about all that has happened in the last year, you and everyone that has lost a little one are in my thoughts and prayers.

I also want to send some healthy, happy vibes to the ladies that are all currently expecting. And I want to send lots of ((((HUGS)))) to those that are trying and just haven't gotten there yet, and even more (((((HUGS))))) to those that just aren't ready to try again yet. Everyone will do things when it's the right time for them.

[LDS Angel 19]

Wow, I'm away from the 'net for a few hours and come back to some great news! I don't have much time now either but I had to say a few things....
Yay Sophia, I'm so happy for you!

myangelsvw, I feel the same way. Every time someone else gets good news it is a least a little painful, and sometimes a lot. But that's ok. I know all of us have felt that way.

Sully, This is getting exciting! I'll be thinking of you and praying everything goes wonderfully for you.

There's a lot more I want to add but I don't have the time. Sophia and Jenny both made wonderful posts and I agree with what they said. We're all in this together now, no matter what happens.

Seriously though, NOW can I be next? :cool:

[goldengbridge]

Congrats Sophia!

I think the other posts summed it up perfectly but I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for welcoming me and supporting me and letting me know that what i'm feeling is perfectly normal. The past 2 1/2 weeks have been hell but I can honestly say that coming in here and talking to you girls have really helped. And I think all of us have a bond for life.

LDS- Heres hoping that you're next!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Michelle (LDS) I pray you are next girlfriend. It's sure been a journey.

Here's to more BFP's in this thread shortly. All our babies are smiling and wishing nothing but the best for all of us again. You ladies are awesome mommies :)

[myangelsvw]

Sully - Good luck today! Come back and see us soon!

sophia - I am very glad you did post your news. I think we all want to celebrate with you and I'd be just as sad to not get to do that. KWIM? So thank you for sharing your wonderful, fantastic, stupendously good news. And hell, yeah, to the sticky vibes. :D

Michelle - I do so hope you get pregnant again soon. I don't know the history of you TTC Allison, so can I ask you a question? Do you usually have long cycles like that? If so, well, you might consider talking to your doctor. I suspect they might give you some clomid to help you ovulate. Or if that was just a wierd, stressed out cycle just tell me to shut up. :)

astro - It is strange to be simultaneously happy and sad, isn't it. I never used to feel that way -- or at least not as strongly -- because I always hoped my "turn" would come. Now it seems like it came; I blew it, and I'm less confident of ever bringing a baby home. Plus, from everything I read, seems like all of us will always have extra sadness that we wouldn't have had otherwise.

Ericka - You can't get rid of me though, I promise I am here for the long haul.
Excellent! :D Like I said, I know I was just feeling afraid. But I also know that this isn't a thread that you ever "graduate" from like so many of the others.

Jenny - Yep. You started a good one. Thank you!

**********

No venting today!! (Or at least not yet. :p )

[sophiapb]

Sully-Happy birthday to your little guy! Thinking of you and your family.

Hey Michelle. I was hoping that I would be a trend setter in this group and that you, Kimmie and Astro would be jumping on the bandwagon as well. :D

goldengbridge-I hate that you're here (YKWIM ;) ) but glad that we can help you in any way we can. How are you feeling today?

myangelsvw-I know what you mean about being happy and sad. Whenever someone I knew announced a pregnancy, I was so thrilled for them but so sad for myself. It's not that I didn't want them to be pregnant, it's that I wanted to be pregnant too! I also KWYM about being able to celebrate. One of my friends didn't tell me she was pregnant for three months and I was so hurt. I know she was trying to protect me and it wasn't malicious but it still hurt. I did NOT want that to happen here and so this was the second thread where I posted my news. Lastly, please don't think that you "blew it". I was really bothered when I read that. You did nothing wrong. Your uterus developed an infection that you had no control over. For your next pregnancy you will be watched like a hawk as I'm sure Jenny and Ericka can attest. It's pretty rare for lightening to strike the same place twice and sweetie, we've all been hit by lightening. I think we've got to catch a break sometime. :)

[Ericka_Jarett]

Like Sophia said, they will watch you like a hawk with your next pregnancy. My perinatalogist told me to tell the OB's not to do any internal exams on me, he said don't need them giving you an infection. Tested for a lot more this time around as well with this peri. He is checking everything possible.

How are you doing today?

[jennylou]

future pregnancies - re watching like a hawk - there was nothing that went wrong during pregnancy for me, and yet my OB has still insisted on extra ultrasounds and such. Her reasoning is that if I'm stressing, that's not good for the baby. I have my next appointment on Monday and was thinking today that it's been six weeks since I've seen her! That's the longest I've gone yet - I was at the OBs office at just over 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 9 weeks, 10 weeks, 15 weeks and 19 weeks. Of course, I'd have seen her two weeks ago, but she started her own practice and it was a hectic switch. But, they are watching closely and she told me that I could have as much monitoring as necessary - if I was between appts to call and she'd give me an u/s herself.

[ieducate]

Not sure if this is the thread I am supposed to post to for this, but I had a miscarriage today and I am at such of loss for words to express my devastation. I was only 6 weeks pregnant, but it feels like I lost a lifetime. I had so much planned already (mostly in my head) and my dh was so excited. He and I cried so much today that I don't think I have any tears left. I am in shock and don't know what to do. we saw the the OB today and she is wonderfully optimistic. She is watching me carefully and monitoring my hcg levels until they get back to zero. Then I have to go through one full month of regular cycle before I go back on the fertility drugs and try again. I think one of the worst things is the thought of waking up every darn morning to take my stupid temperature. I think I may skip it the first month we try to get preg. again. I am not sure I can stomach doing that. I will still do the OPK's though. Either way I am feeling an unbelievable loss today and I can't stomach it. I was at work when I found out and it was horrible. I called the doctor to get an update on my hcg levels (blood test was taken yesterday) and she (the doctor herself) got on the phone and gave me the news. I had dropped from 888 to 200 in 48 hours. I broke into tears right there in the copy room...where I was standing talking on my cell phone. To make matters worse, I am a teacher, so I was supposed to go back to my classroom and take my students to lunch. I grabbed another teacher in the hallway and told her to go to my classroom and tell the teacher who was in there covering for me to take my kids to lunch. She didn't ask any questions as it was quite obvious by my sobbing that something was wrong. I walked downstairs to my principal's office and broke into more tears. One of the secetaries (bless her heart) drove me home and another one followed in my car. I am a wreck. My family has been nothing but supportive, but I can't stand that I am no longer pregnant. This was all I thought about day and night. I did everything I was supposed to do and nothing I wasn't. The doctor told me it was not my fault at all, but I can't help to feel the quilt anyway. Thanks for listening...I will be back later...need to collect myself again and regroup.

[Ericka_Jarett]

ieducate: I posted in the december thread. You probably want the miscarriage thread found here: http://www.constantchatter.com/showthread.php?t=8736

[ieducate]

Thanks Ericka...got your link. :)

[Kimmiebride]

Hi ladies,
Tahoe has been wonderful! We come home tomorrow, and I am actually looking forward to being home, as nice as it is here. I am sure I o'd this week. Of course that doesn't mean much since we are still not allowed to ttc yet. I am getting to the point of wanting to disobey those stupid doctors, since they aren't really of much help to me these days.

Sophia, congrats on the BFP! I know we all want to be next, and I am happy for your news. I also am a little sad it's not me, and that's ok! I am so grateful for all of you, and for all your little rainbow babies on the way and here! It does give me hope, and I pray for all of you constantly!

Ericka, I am glad you made it through a tough anniversary, and sorry I wasn't here to wish you the best.

My due date is Monday. Today we walked through a very old cemetary, and I cried when I saw the little headstones. They were from the 1800's. I always got sad when I saw the little graves, but now I know what it's like to lose a child, and it makes me even more sad. I do wish we had made a special place for Robert to rest. I haven't "visited" with him enough lately, and need to make it a point when I return home. Hopefully we'll finally get our springtime weather, and I will start walking again. I also have to lose some weight. I think I'll do South Beach - it worked really well for me when I did it in the past. I only gained 4 pounds during my pregnancy since I am already on the heavy side, and I lost it right away, but now have gained at least 10 in the grieving time and am almost at my all time high weight. It's very depressing. I know I can do something about it, and hope for the strength to put forth the effort. I have eaten like a pig on vacation. I don't even want to see a scale when i get home.

Gentle thoughts my friends!
Kimmie

[sophiapb]

Sully had her little guy yesterday!

Born at 5:32 p.m., Thomas is 8 pounds, 4 ounces, 21 and 1/4 inches long.

I almost started bawling!

[jennylou]

Congrats Sully - way to go, such a big boy! :)

[Bubbas]

CONGRATS SULLY!!!

Can't wait to see some pictures!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Yeah!!!!!!!!! Congrats Sully.

Yesterday was a busy day in the world for births. My friend from church had her daughter about a week early just last night at 7:30ish.

Now I am getting itchy to find out what we are having. Baby cooperate next week pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[LDS Angel 19]

Sully, congrats on your amazing miracle.

[chocolate_truffle]

Hello Ladies,

I just wanted to stop by to say a big congratulations to Sophia on her BFP and a huge congratulations to Sully on the birth of Thomas -- such wonderful news!

Kimmie -- I'll be thinking of you and Robert on Monday.

Ericka -- Hooray for the upcoming ultrasound. Let's hope your baby isn't too modest. ;)

To the rest of my new friends, I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping your hearts are mending.

Oh, myangelsvw and jennylou, y'all had me laughing about my tempting username. Chocolate is my downfall, and I have a particular weakness for See's truffles (and butter creams and caramels and milk chocolates in general). And I'm not ashamed to admit that I have been known to devour an entire box on several separate occasions. Yummmm! :D

[jennylou]

chocolate - now, now, there should be *no* mentioning of See's Candies when there is no way that I can get my hands on a box. It's the one really bad thing about not being near CA anymore. And, I think it's funny when people try to tell me that they have the best chocolate, yada yada, I try it and it just can't compare to my Sees. I myself really enjoy anything with nuts in it. Yummy. Drool.

[chocolate_truffle]

jennylou -- Did you know you can create custom mixes of See's Candies and they'll deliver to your very own doorstep? Here's the link: http://sees.com/sp1.cfm

Just some food for thought...

ETA: I'm really not the devil, I swear. ;)

See's is just something of a tradition in my family. When my aunt and uncle were stationed in Germany for fifteen years, they missed two things about the U.S.: Taco Bell Burrito Supremes and See's Fudge. Every Christmas, we sent two pounds of fudge, but we could never figure out a way to ship a burrito supreme overseas. :p

[Kimmiebride]

I was thinking that's what having a sister in the Bay Area will do for ya Jenny, but our dear chocolate truffle came up with an even easier solution!! What did we ever do without the internet...????
Kimmie

[jennylou]

I was thinking that's what having a sister in the Bay Area will do for ya Jenny, but our dear chocolate truffle came up with an even easier solution!! What did we ever do without the internet...????
Kimmie

I actually didn't know I could order online, but my sister does help me out from time to time. :) She knows how much I like it, it was actually one of the things that she brought for me when she came after Andrew died. So, see, some family is good to have - don't know why they aren't so supportive, but a few are. ;) Of course, she made me hide it until everyone left, as last time she brought me some, everyone ate it - but me.

And chocolate - you bring up another favorite - taco bell burrito supremes - yummy. :D

[goldengbridge]

Hi Ladies. The weather is just misrable which really isnt helping my mood. I havent been having a good couple days. A nurse from our insurance called to check on me and apparently word hadnt gotten to her regarding Jacob passing away. I was dealing with her trying to get my fetal echo covered so ihad spoken with her alot so when she called on Friday and started asking my all these questions i could help but just break down and cry. It totally caught me off guard and then she of course felt so horrible after i told her.

And then my Evil SIL is complaining to everyone in the family that she cant afford diapers for her kids or a carseat for the younger one since he outgrew his infant seat like 2 months ago and she still hasnt bought him a bigger carseat. She says she cant afford it but then she goes out drinking last night and drops off her two kids for the weekend. I dont get it. She only wants to be a mom when she wants to be. Those poor kids are always sick and the older one who will be 2 next month is so developmentally behind because she pays no attention to him. It just makes me so freaken mad.

I hope you all are well. I wanted to share this poem i found and it reminded me of all of you. I hope you like it.

MY MOM IS A SURVIVOR
by Kaye Des'Ormeaux

My Mom is a survivor,
Or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying
When all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
And go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands upon the beach
That never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
Who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
A smile of disguise.
But through heaven's open door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with my death
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her
Knows it's her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
Through heaven's open door...
I try to tell her
Angels protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
Or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, talk to her...
And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
No matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
That time won't ever heal.

[LDS Angel 19]

I really like that poem.

It's been a long, hard week for me. Another friend of mine had a baby Monday. Two more are pregnant. It's so hard to not get stuck being jealous all the time. I know you all know what I mean...

WalkAmerica is next weekend. I'm looking forward to it, but I'd so much rather be doing it in honor of a surviving child than in memory of a lost one...

[Kimmiebride]

Today is my due date. It is also 5 months today since I lost Robert. 24's are always tough, and my guess is that they will be for the rest of my life. I know you guys will understand that I am overwhelmed by the unfairness of all of this. We should all have our children cooing in the next room, or learning to toddle around. but we don't. I want to be pregnant again with all of my being. Of course, not to replace my darling Robert, but to have another chance as a mommy. I am thinking about trying again next month. I am just so afraid that if we wait, the time will run out. The doctors aren't able to figure out a proper dosage on the meds, so the sooner I get off them, and on something that's easier to regulate, the happier I will be. They wanted me on coumadin until June. I have been on it since December. Enough already - I am tired of feeling like crap and I want my life back NOW! I have to just trust that God will take care of me. The perinatologist gave me a bunch of lab slips, and told me when we start to try to come in for a test a few days before AF is due, and then they can switch me to the injections ASAP. I know many of you may be thinking, "how can giving yourself a shot in the belly twice a day be better than taking pills?" Sometimes I wonder myself, but at least it will mean another baby is on the way. Hopefully one we can keep this time.

Michelle, I know what you mean about the jealousy. When I go to the supermarket I get bombarded with all the perfect celebrities having their babies. It's almost unbearable. I want my baby too!

Thanks again to all of you! I don't feel like I could have made it this far without you all - take care my friends!
Kimmie

[LDS Angel 19]

Kimmie I'm thinking of you today. The anniversaries/special dates are so so so hard. I really hope you and your drs get everything figured out and you can get pregnant very soon. Heck, maybe we'll end up in a duedate thread together. And don't even get me started on celebrity babies... *stab*

[Ericka_Jarett]

Kimmie - thinking of you today. I hope all your meds get in order so you can be a mommy again.

LDS - thinking of you too.

Lots of prayers for you both to be preggers again soon so your little ones in Heaven can be a brother and sister to another.

[Kimmiebride]

Thanks guys!! I survived it. Did spend the whole morning crying though for me DH, and Robert, and for my friend Melissa, who many of you know. She got positive betas from her FET, and then they didn't see anything in the uterus at her u/s. They are very concerned as her first pregnancy ended up being ectopic, and she ruptured a tube. Please add her to your prayer list. They are going back for a more detailed u/s today, and I am praying that they see the baby in the uterus, and the fears of ectopic will melt away. Please God, a miracle for my friend Mel!

Michelle, wouldn't that be cool to be in our due date thread together. I am going over my plans with my general doc tomorrow. She trusts me to know my body, and I really feel strongly about starting to ttc next month. I have an appointment with the hematologist next week as well.

Ericka! Thanks for all the prayers!
hugs,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

kimmie - Still thinking about you today! How far along is Melissa? I was 6w2d and all we saw was the fetal pole and sac, so I'm hoping it was just too early for her before and that she'll start to see something on that u/s!

[Kimmiebride]

Hey Jenny, thanks... Unfortunately they confirmed the ectopic today in radiology. I am just devastated for her. I know there's just nothing I can say to ease the pain, and I am having an anger phase right now. I know it will pass, but the anger and disappointment I feel at the constant yanking of the rug out from under any of us who have been through the wringer is just so horrible. I am really glad that we have you and Sophia and Ericka and Sully and Amy to show us that there really is hope. I am so afraid, and I know the fear just won't magically disappear, but will just become more intense when I have another baby in my belly... I know it will all be worth the struggle in the end, but if the universe could just be a bit more gentle with us fragile souls...
Kimmie

[Sully130]

Hi ladies. I'm sorry I only have a moment and in that moment I'm going to be selfish and talk about myself. :) I hope you understand.

As someone shared in here for me, my son Thomas was born last Thursday. I cried so much when he was born because after having a stillborn child, hearing that cry when he was born was the best sound I'll ever hear in my life. And he cried for about five minutes nonstop. I cherished every single second. Gosh, it was wonderful.

And after 20 weeks of bedrest and being told at 16w3d that my child probably wouldn't survive, he was born healthy at 8 lbs, 4 oz. :D His nose is just like his sister's...and I see so much of her in him. The anniversary of her birth was Saturday. It was such a day of bittersweet emotions. While I am so sorry to have lost her and I wish that never had to happen...I'd go through everything again (the bedrest, the loss, the everything) just if I knew I got to have him in the end. I hope that makes sense. I'm not saying I'd rather have him than her...it's just that having him makes all the pain lessen. It brings joy to my life that I never thought I'd have.

I want to share a picture, but I will probably take it away in a week or so. So enjoy for now. :)

sorry.... had to remove the pic. :) -Sully

[Kimmiebride]

That little Thomas is sooooooo cute! Oh, give him a big snuggle for me! So glad you stopped in to share your miracle with us!!! I just want to tickle that little chin. THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT THEN, ISN'T IT???!!! All we struggle with makes the victory all the more sweet. I think I needed that reminder.
Thanks Sully, and all the best!
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Sully - he's beautiful. :)

Kimmie - I'm sorry to hear about Melissa. I've watched from afar her story the last few years. And you're right, the universe should be more gentle on those that have had to suffer. :(

[LDS Angel 19]

Sully, he's perfect, and I love the name Thomas. Congrats again.

[amygrrl]

sully - he is absolutely gorgeous!

kimmie - i heard the news about melissa today and dh and i are just devistated for them. you would think after all the IF stuff, we'd be given a free pass once we're pregnant. it just seems fair. i'm gonna pm you now.

on anniversaries - well, they just plain suck. this time last year i was still blissfully pregnant with avery. as june 3rd gets closer, i can't help but think about her and what she'd be doing now. she and malin look so much alike. we took malin to avery's tree this past weekend and i cried buckets thinking about how my girls will never know each other. they deserve to play together and have everything that sisters have.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Sully, I saw Thomas' picture in the April thread and commented there as well. He is absolutely beautiful and I know you are thrilled to have this little bundle of heaven. God bless

kimmie - sorry to hear about your friend's news.

me - went to my peri and OB appts yesterday. Peri did a vaginal u/s to make sure the my cervix was closed tight, which it is. The doctor was not at the office but called me later to say that the u/s pics looked great and that my sugars were good and he would see me at the level 2 u/s in 4 weeks. I am suppose to have another cervical u/s done in 2 weeks, so I have to see if he was going to combine that with the level 2 instead of seperate appts. The heartrate was 152 and the baby looked good, no u/s pics though. My OB appt went well, the doctor said don't loss anymore weight if possible, since I was down 4 lbs since my last visit 2 weeks ago. She knows I am on the diabetic diet so she was not too concerned since I am actually getting steady in the weight department. She had me lay on the table for the heartbeat and she got it right away and said it sounds great. She said if I have anything that comes up that I don't feel right about in anyway, to call them up. She pointed to my chart and said we are getting you past this point (pointing to the top of my chart where it says infant loss at 24 weeks) all the way to a healthy baby full term. I said sounds great to me. She asked how my sugars were, I said they were ok, last week was rough though eating wise since it was Rebekah's anniversary, she asked how I was doing this week, said much better.

[myangelsvw]

Hiya, folks. Sorry I've been quiet for a few days. We just put our condo on the market and there was much last minute prep involved. We had our first two showings yesterday and the place looks pretty good, if I do say so myself. Of course, it's all more bitter than sweet. I've been thinking a lot the last couple of days about how huge and massive I should be right now. Doesn't help that most people with my due date are just now reaching the size I was when I lost the boys. Plus, I was an idiot and decided to get my hopes up thinking about the possibility of getting pregnant again on our own. Which is never going to happen, but apparently I can't quite convince myself of that. So I've been busy but sad.

On another topic, are you all starting to notice talk of Mother's Day? There's a day I'm dreading. Looks like I'm gonna spend the next few weeks skipping a *lot* of ads on tv and changing the channel on the radio.


Sully - Congrats on that big boy you have there. Talk about chubby cheeks! Thomas is breaking hearts already!

Kimmie - Thought about you a lot on Monday. Hope you have a great appointment with your doc today. I love your resolve and can't wait to cheer you on next month. Oh, and I don't think you're crazy about the shots. Granted, I haven't done 9 months worth of them, but I would. In a heartbeat. Anyway, sub-Q shots just aren't all that bad.

Michelle - Speaking of celebs, if Brit stays with that awful husband of hers much longer, we could always pull a Raising Arionza on them. :p (Actually, scratch that. Those genes scare me.)

amy - It is unfair that your girls won't know each other. I wish it could be different for you and for Malin.

Jen - Thanks for posting the poem. Things like that always make me cry.

Ericka - Glad all is still well and that your docs are taking good care of you.

So who'd I miss? This is what happens when you get all preoccupied for a couple of days. You fall down on the SOs.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Funny you mention Mom's day. I told hubby the other day last year was horrible. I said it was nice to be away (we were in Chicago on what was suppose to be the last big trip before the baby came in August and also vacation bible school research) but that just the day in general was hard. I was glad that we were not back at home and attending Church on that day when they always honors the moms. There were several that said they actually were glad they didn't see me that day, just because they know how hard it would have been for me. In Chicago, I lost it while waiting for dinner at a restaurant and saw a pregnant woman that was about 5 months walk past me. I cried while in the restaurant, only hubby saw it since I was seated away from the counter.

I pray all of you can have some comfort this year. Let the tears flow if they will. The first holidays without your little ones are the hardest, I have now lived through all the holidays at least 1 time and can say that they are hard, but I know all of your ladies are strong and will do fine with time.

[sophiapb]

Sully-Thomas is beautiful. Congrats on your bundle of boy!

goldengbridge-I sobbed over that poem. Thanks for posting it.

I've been sobbing a lot for the past few days. I know it's hormones but it's been out of control. I've been dealing with a lot of crap at work (and might I add, a lot of UNFAIR crap!) but I am so emotional that I am having a difficult time standing up for myself. I have decided to just let it flow over me and concentrate on a healthy pregnancy. My job is not worth losing my baby over.
On my commute into work yesterday, I read an article in last month's Good Housekeeping about a teenage girl who was adopted after being severely abused as an infant. She has grown into a beautiful young woman thanks to her adoptive parents but reading the article I started crying on the bus over what she had gone through as a tiny helpless infant. It was awful and I could not get it out of my mind. Later in the afternoon, I was roaming the streets doing work junk and all I wanted to do was cry. I knew I would start sobbing in the street if I didn’t do something so I went into a church, sat in a pew off to the side and just bawled my eyes out. I had a little chat with God and in the middle of it, suddenly questioned the existence of God. In a church. As I’m talking to God. :confused: I don’t think the thought had ever crossed my mind and yet, there I was, wondering if God exists. I just don’t understand life sometimes. There are so many people who want nothing more than a baby of their own and yet babies everywhere are being thrown away, abused in horrific manners or neglected to the point of death. I don’t understand how a benevolent God can allow this too happen. Maybe life really is just biological. It’s becoming more obvious to me that babies are given to those who have good eggs and good sperm as opposed to those who would be good parents or would do the best for the child. If it turns out that the child does get good parents, lucky for the child but biology puts the egg and sperm together, creates a child and then walks away and says “I’m done. What you do with the kid is up to you.”
I don’t know. I still have my faith but I was really shaken that I was questioning it.

[sarahncraig]

Ladies, I need your help. I hope you do not mind me posting in here. I am swamped right now and can't do a proper search for this so I hope I do not offend anyone.

A friend and member of my church congregation delivered a stillborn infant this weekend. He was just one day shy of 36 weeks. They think he died sometime on Saturday because the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. She delivered him on Sunday. This was to be their second child. Their first son is 18 months.

I need your help because I do not know what to say or do. She is not a good friend but more than an acquaintance. Background: I work at the church and am in charge of Christian education for all ages. It is so hard to know what to do or say. It is especially hard since I am 33 weeks pregnant myself.

Do you have any advice for me? Thank you in advance.

[Kimmiebride]

Sophiapb, I think it's normal to wrestle with one's faith like that. I know that God doesn't do bad things to people, but when bad things happen we have a tough time thinking God let it happen. I think that's the world's part in things, but it DOES get frustrating when you try to nurture your relationship with God, and in the midst of it question whether anyone is listening. I pray all the time. Usually it is asking for things - I hope God doesn't get tired of me calling when I want something either for me or someone I care about. I am also thankful for many things and pray about that too. I know we all have to struggle with this individually, but I thought it might make you feel better to know that I have my bouts with this type of confusion too. Take care of yourself and rest plenty. Those hormones are really tough! We're thinking of you!

I went to my general doctor today and informed her of my decision to ttc. She wasn't thrilled, but wasn't worried enough to say no way either. I told her I would make my decision after I meet with the hematologist next week, and we have an u/s to determine the state of the clot in my leg, and what is up with the pain I have been having just below my ribs in my chest. Could be gastro-intestinal related, so we're on the road to diagnosing it, and hopefully it's nothing serious. I have gained almost 10 pounds. I am NOT happy about that. I now weigh 10 pounds more than I did when I was 18w pregnant. Must get my butt out there walking, and stop eating all this comfort food. I will not be comforted into weighing 300 pounds!!!! I think I'll start South Beach next Monday! It worked so well for me two years ago when I did it, and it seems healthy to be on it when ttc as well. I want to lose at least 20 pounds, and then get pregnant and put it all back on if need be :)
Kimmie

[sophiapb]

I'm still crying like a lunatic but I'm not going to leave sarahncraig hanging. Sarah, we recently had someone asking something very similiar and you can see some of the responses on page 54 and 55 of this thread. I hope they help you out. You are a very sweet person to help out the family at church who lost their child.

Kimmie, thanks for letting me know that it's normal. It was just so strange because it came out of the blue. I never really questioned God when we lost Alexander so I find it odd that I'm questioning it now. I just want people to be safe and happy and for everything to be good. Is that too much to ask? :p

[Astro]

Sully Congratulations on the birth of your son. He's absolutely beautiful and an amazing miracle. :)
Kimmie I'm so sorry to here about Melissa. I'm with you on the anger and disappointment. I'm very excited to hear you guys are going to start trying again soon. It does sound like you are very in tune with your body and know what's going on before the doctors. My DH and I will be praying for you guys.
myangelsvw I don't think you're an idiot to get your hopes up. We all are trying to be optimistic and keep our hopes up about trying again. It's important, so say the doctors, to keep a positive outlook and be optimistic.
Sophiapb take care of yourself. You're absolutely right, no job is worth losing your baby over. I think many of us have questioned our faith the past year or so. There's been many times I've wondered why this happened, why God let it, etc. I was feeling particularly down the other day when I went to church. The sermon was actually very very appropriate for my DH and I. The priest talked about how everyone has times of trial, where they question their faith, try to make deals with God, etc. There really wasn't a simple answer, it was just a relief to know even the priests have had those times. Our priest was talking about how that's actually not a bad thing. There is no guarantee in the bible or from God for a "simple, happy, care-free" life. I know that sounds kind of depressing and doesn't help a lot, but it comforted me to know I'm not alone in my struggles/questions and it's ok.
sarahncraig The only advice I'd have for you regarding the friend/member of your church congregation is to send her a card. Let her know you're thinking about her and praying for her and her family. Also let her know she can call/talk/e-mail/mail you if she needs to talk to someone about anything. Perhaps also offer to bring her a meal. If you know her well enough, go ahead and deliver a meal without asking. A few of our friends did that for us, and it was a blessing. We didn't want to shop, make decisions about eating, so it was a relief not to have to do that.

Update on us. I'm having a rough time right now and am very angry with my body (it's not cooperating, it's not doing what I want, and it's frustrating). We went through an IVF cycle in February and found out in March we had a positive test with very low numbers. In the end of March we found out nothing was growing inside me. It was an empty sac and my body thought it was pregnant. My RE said we should wait for my body to miscarry it. We're still waiting. I have to go in every week for more blood draws and ultrasounds to see if my blood count has returned to normal and if the empty sac has dissolved yet. The longer it takes to miscarry, the longer till we can try again. Needless to say, I'm still waiting. I don't understand how my body couldn't hang on to our two boys, but continues to hold on to this empty sac with nothing in it. None of this is fair. All I want is to return to normal so we can try again.

[sarahncraig]

Thank you all for your advice. I will definitely get a card in the mail and take some food over this weekend. I had the privilege of seeing her and her husband this morning. We hugged for about 3 minutes straight and cried together. I told her I was shaking my fist at God even though I don't think that God caused this to happen. sophiapb, I agree with what Kimmiebride wrote and you have every reason to be angry with God. If it is okay with you, I will keep you in my prayers. My heart truly breaks with all the loss on this thread but rejoices in the hope and healing this group offers. May God be with you all.

[Kimmiebride]

Awww Sarah, now you've got me blubbering too! Thanks for the prayers... every little bit helps!
Kimmie
PS... your avatar is just adorable! Word!

[Sully130]

Sophia - Thanks to you and everyone else for the congratulations and compliments on our precious son. I only have a moment, but I wanted to respond to your post because it's something I can certainly identify with. When we lost our daughter last year, I really questioned my faith and God and everything involved. It was so hard accepting that a good God lets bad things happen to good people -- especially when seemingly all around us are stories of bad people having the gifts of life that some of us can only dream about (like your story of the abused child). It all seems so unfair. And when my water broke early in this most recent pregnancy, the first thing I cried out was, "I'm so ANGRY with God right now." I remember my priest telling me then as he did when my DD died, that he'd be worried about me if I didn't question my faith sometimes. It's healthy.

I read the book A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis after my DD's death. It was so enlightening to me because it's all about the author's struggle with his faith after his wife died a painful death to cancer. He said at one point that his fear was not in ceasing to believe that God exists, but in starting to believe such horrible things about him. That he allows pain and suffering to good people. I remember he said that people tried to comfort him with "She's in God's hands" and he said that was no comfort because hopefully she was in God's hands on earth too and he saw what happened to her. He struggles with his faith throughout the book and in the end, I'm not sure I know the answer...but I do know it's okay to question it. I think for me, I have to believe that God may know what is going to happen, but because there is sin in the world, he can't always control it. He will walk through the valley with us, hold our hand in times of trouble, carry us if need be...but sometimes he can't stop what is meant to be. That troubled me with my DD's death...that he knew all along what was going to happen, but allowed me to believe for 23 weeks that everything would be okay. ANYWAY, this has gotten way too long...but I just wanted to say that I think it's completely normal to question faith. The sad truth is, sometimes bad things happen...and far to often, they happen to really good people. And God cries with us just as he rejoices with us during the happy times.

Anyway, just wanted to share my thoughts. Hope you don't mind.

[myangelsvw]

astro - They're just waiting? A month later? Clearly your doctors and Kimmie's doctors went to the same lousy medical school. But seriously, I'm so very sorry you've had to deal with the cycle from hell. You're right that it is incredibly unfair. What's your next cycle? Another fresh one? Do you have to take a month off or will they let you go straight in since this cycle has been so long?

sophia - Sorry to hear the hormones are getting the better of you right now. I think chocolate could be of some assistance.

on faith - Well, as I appear to be the lone agnostic here, I'll say that this experience has made me really really *want* to believe in God and heaven and that my boys are somewhere better than the cube that holds their ashes. I think I could even handle a God that let bad things happen if I knew for sure that I'd get to be with my boys again someday. Having a child/ren die leaves us feeling so very vulnerable and all our various forms of crises of faith are probably very normal responses to that.

[jennylou]

on faith - Well, as I appear to be the lone agnostic here, I'll say that this experience has made me really really *want* to believe in God and heaven and that my boys are somewhere better than the cube that holds their ashes. I think I could even handle a God that let bad things happen if I knew for sure that I'd get to be with my boys again someday. Having a child/ren die leaves us feeling so very vulnerable and all our various forms of crises of faith are probably very normal responses to that.
I think that thought is the only thing that kept me going in the early days after Andrew died. Otherwise, I don't think I could believe in God.

[goldengbridge]

Sully- Thomas is beautiful. Congrats!

I can totally relate to the questions and God. I've been doing some major soul searching with God these last few weeks. I spoke briefly with our priest after Jacob passed away and I told him that I was tired of people telling me that it was all in God's plan and that God doesn't make mistakes and he was really great about the whole situation and told me what i'm feeling is completely normal and that it was healthy to question. He told me to take my time and work through whatever i needed too. I love that guy and hes a bit liberal because hes younger too which helps.

I'm thinking about you girls alot. Yesterday was by far one of my hardest days. I was at the mall with one of my good friends and her sister ran into us. Her sister is due the week before I was. She stood there yapping about how was headed to BRU to get some stuff. My friend kept trying to cut it short but she kept yapping away. We finally got away from her and about 30 mins later she called my friend crying hysterically that her travel system had gotten discontinued. I just wanted to scream. I wish my biggest problem was that my stroller was discontinued. Some people are just so inconsiderate i swear. That totally sent me over the edge so later that night i came home and looked at my pictures of Jacob and his footprints and that made me hysterical of course. I know logically that things will get easier as time goes on but right now i don't feel like they ever will get better.

Off to try to get some sleep. I'm exhausted.

[myangelsvw]

This week has kicked my butt. I really think I've felt just as bad as I did in those first few weeks. Hard to even really describe, but you all know what I mean. Things had gotten a little easier for a couple of weeks, but now I wonder if I wasn't just ignoring the grief. Apparently, it doesn't like being ignored.


Jen - Sounds like your friend didn't handle her sister very well. Can you ask her not to take calls from her sister next time you're together? There's no reason for her to put you in that position. Makes me angry for you. But it's good that you were able to come home and think about Jacob. If there's one thing I'm learning, it's that spending time with your memories is important.

astro - How are you doing? I've been thinking about you a lot. Not that it's any of my business, but have you considered telling your RE that you need a D&C? I don't know that it would be any easier than waiting, but it might be. Either way, we're thinking about you.

[LDS Angel 19]

Hi everyone, I've only got a second. WalkAmerica is tomorrow! We raised $850! I'm so happy. I'll be thinking of you girls and all of our angels as we walk tomorrow.
Thanks everyone for your support!

[goldengbridge]

Michelle- Congrats! That is so awesome and good luck tomorrow!

[Kimmiebride]

All the little angels will be walking with you Michelle!!
Kimmie

[sophiapb]

Go Michelle GO! Make us and our angels proud. Represent! :D

[LDS Angel 19]

The walk was great. Physically killer, (8 miles, and I'm so out of shape....) but great anyway. I can't wait for next year. I hope you're all having a gentle Sunday evening.

[myangelsvw]

Just wanted to say "Good job, Michelle!" :D


So it's another Monday, and I'm still struggling. I started journaling over the weekend to see if that would help me address some of the feelings that have been overwhelming me recently. And I'm thinking about ways that I can remember William and Vincent. I had started a quilt for them, and right after they died I thought I'd just make it for furture children instead. But now I want to finish it for them. And I'm trying to think of some way to remember them to their grandmas on Mother's Day. I haven't come up with a good idea yet, though, so if anyone has one, please share!

[jennylou]

Kim - Feel free to post here. Hugs to you and your sister. Did you end up calling her yesterday? Those anniversaries are tough - tougher when no one remembers.

myangelsvw - thanks for posting in that thread on Father's Day. :)

Speaking of Father's Day, Mother's Day is right around the corner. This will be our last of our first holidays without Andrew. I'm not sure if DH will remember me or not. Last year the ILs got me a card since I was almost a mommy. How are ya'll going to cope with it this year?

It's May, and that means it's been almost a year since we lost Andrew. So between his birthday, the day he died and Mother's Day, I'm sure I'll be a right fine mess.

[myangelsvw]

Kim - Sorry you felt like you needed to delete your post. Although those of us who post most frequently are mothers, I think we're more than happy to welcome any family members who are coping with infant loss. It's a terribly difficult loss for everyone involved. And don't worry, just because you don't think of her as often doesn't mean you'll ever forget Megan (forgive me if I misspelled - I have a horrible memory). My mother "forgot" my father's birthday this year for the first time since his death, but she certainly hasn't forgotten him. So don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure your sister just appreciates knowing that you remember and are still grieving too.

Jenny - Thanks. I hope my post was ok and not mean or anything, but I was getting all upset and needed to say something. And you really do have a tough month coming up, don't you. You have every right to be a mess. It's so unfair that it all comes together like that and doesn't give you a break at all this month. Have you thought any more about how you want to commemorate Andrew's birthday?

Mother's Day - I'm scheduling a massage! Hopefully for the day before. A friend gave us each a gift certificate for a massage after William and Vincent died, and we haven't used them yet. I just realized last night that the physical release of the massage will probably be just the ticket to get me through. For the day itself, I don't know what we'll do. Probably cry a lot. And I'm still thinking about my mom and MIL. I'd love to send them some Forget-Me-Nots to plant, but I need to find a place that would do it.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Kim - you will never forget your niece. She will live in your heart forever.

Jenny - I have now been through every holiday since Rebekah was born last year. Mother's Day last year was hard for me since we had already planned to go to Chicago as a last big trip before the baby. We still went but Mother's Day was hard for me just the same.

Mother's Day I don't have anything planned, maybe just dinner out or something.

Father's Day I didn't really plan anything last year, hubby got a handmade card from his son (he lives in CO with his mom, DH's ex-wife) We just had a quite dinner at home and wondering what should have been.

[Kimmiebride]

I am just winging it for Mother's Day. Not sure if anyone will think about me on that day, and not sure if that is ok or not. My DH is always wonderfully supportive when I need him to be. Maybe he'll say something and maybe he won't think of it. I will probably get him a little card on Father's day. I don't want to feel like I am poking him with a stick. I know he thinks of Robert often.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I go for a follow up u/s on my leg with the clot to see if it has resolved. Then I have an appt. with the hemotologist, and am asking to be taken off the rat poison (aka coumadin). I would rather ttc without being on that stuff, since it can cause serious birth defects. Usually after 6 weeks or so, but still, better safe than sorry. I will be put back on the heparin shots immediately after a BFP anyway, so I am not too stressed about letting go of the coumadin if she lets me. I am going in there to say I am feeling great! No complaints! Now give me my life back!

Yesterday I went with a single friend of mine to her first RE appt. She's going try IUI with donor sperm. She's single, 41, and has high FSH so her doctor has basically told her time is running out quickly. The RE was really nice, and they are going to treat her aggressively because of her high FSH. He doesn't seem to think that she would really benefit from IVF, so that is on the back burner. I hope that somehow we can both be pregnant together and have happy healthy babies that get to play together!
hugs,
Kimmie

[Astro]

kimmiebride Good luck tomorrow. Here's hoping you get off the coumadin and can move forward with living. :)

Mother's Day - I'm not sure if we're going to do anything. I've already warned my DH that I will be more emotional the next two weeks. I had a nice cry in the shower this weekend thinking how this wasn't supposed to be how we were celebrating Mother's Day. Not sure if any one will think of me on that day, not sure if I want them to. (kind of like Kimmie in that thought).

Oh well, I'm hoping it's sunny so DH and I can go for a nice long drive in the mountains.

[Kimmiebride]

Ok everybody, game on! It is CD2, and I had my follow up u/s on my leg, and the clot is gone, my lungs are clear and I had my appt with the hematologist, and though she still wants me on coumadin until August if not pg, she wished us luck in our ttc!! Yep, that's right, with very careful and close watching, we are officially back on the ttc wagon this month! We have to get blood tests 2-3 days before AF is due in order to get off the coumadin and on the shots as soon as possible! For a brief shining moment here I am beginning to feel human again. I know we might have trouble getting pregnant again, but right now this feels so good!
Take care ladies!
Kimmie

[jennylou]

kimmie - woohoo! Much luck to you. :)

[LDS Angel 19]

kimme that is so great! "game on" made me LOL :D I wish you the best of luck!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Congrats Kimmie, glad the clots are gone and things are looking up.

Michelle - Congrats on the walk, hoping that by the next one, you have an infant of your own :)

Ladies - sadly a June 2006 twin momma, Jad, has lost her twin boys the other day. Not sure if any of you know her or not, but wanted to let you all know.


Me - I may have to make an appt to get my feet checked because I have these red bumps all over the tops of them and want to make sure of what it could be causing them. I go for an u/s Tuesday to recheck my cervix and than my OB appt is next Friday. We are going to babysit for a couple from church, their oldest is 4 yrs old and we only have her for a few hours on Friday and we will have her sister until the next day (she is 15 months) We will be taking photos for another couple from church the weekend between Mother's Day and Memorial Day.

[Astro]

kimmiebride CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so excited for you guys. :D :D :D

We got a little bit of good news today. My body finally recognized what it was supposed to do. I'm on day 1. :) The RE wants me back next week to make sure my levels are at 0 and to create another game plan. I think we might try a FET in June or July... provided my body remembers what to do in a month. :rolleyes:

[amygrrl]

kimmie - yaw-freakin-hoo! i love coming here and getting good news!

astro - ditto what i said to kimmie above!

anniversaries/ holidays - we are closing in on the 1 year anniversary of avery's birth. i suspect it will be super difficult. i'm trying to think of something special to do but i honestly can't think of anything. and as much as i know i shouldn't let what others think affect me, i find myself thinking about how everyone will wonder why we haven't finally 'moved on' should we decide to do something that involves more than us. i wonder if anyone else will remember that it's her birthday? i suspect my sister might... or maybe some of the folks at church. my pastor's wife takes her kids to play at the park where avery's tree is and she often visits the tree. i can't explain how it feels to know that someone else besides us visits that place and thinks about our little girl. i know our families don't. my family is mostly back in texas and dan's just isn't the kind to actually do that. they are more the 'get over it' types. heck, i don't think they've mentioned avery since just a few weeks after she died. mother's day will be bitter sweet for us. yes we are so joyful over malin, but it just feels like something is missing without avery.

[sophiapb]

YAY! I love to see good news on this thread. Kimmie and Astro, I have been thinking about both of you and it's so great to see things moving forward for you. Hooray, hooray, horray!

Anniversaries-I'm having a tough time with this because I feel very torn and feel like people don't understand what we are going through. We are having a big party for Alexa with a ballerina theme. It is the anniversary of Alexander's passing but I don't want Alexa to have a lifetime of birthdays that feel like the international day of mourning. I sent out the invites with an attached card asking that instead of gifts to please make donations to the guest's favorite children's charity (I know, I know but etiquette be damned). If the guest didn't have a children's charity that they supported, we listed three that we support including ChildhelpUSA, US Fund for Unicef and The March of Dimes and gave their websites. Alexa is not old enough to comprehend gifts, she has been showered with gifts since before she was born and honestly needs for nothing material. There are so many children that have nothing so I'd rather think of them than get yet another pink ruffled outfit that Alexa will wear twice (I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I'm just being realistic).
I have gotten so many RSVPs and they all ask for Alexa's size, what books she might want and suggestions on toys. I have since sent out this response e-mail and have also verbally said this over the phone which sucks because I get choked up:

I love that you want to get a gift for Alexa but everything we wrote in that
invitation attachment was honestly from our hearts. What we didn't write was that
although we are celebrating Alexa's first year of life, we are also acknowledging
the first anniversary of the passing of Alexander. We are hoping that by guests
donating to their favorite charity instead of spending money on a gift, it's a
way to acknowledge the memory of Alexander, without taking away from Alexa's day.
John and I like the idea that a child in Africa might get
vaccinations and aid or an abused child might get some help and protection that
might not have been able to be funded if Alexander had been with us. It helps give his
passing some meaning.

Everyone that I have given this message to will follow it but I know that others have already gone out and bought clothes and toys that we don't want or need with the idea that we didn't mean what we said in the invite. :confused: I've already gotten feedback from my mom about a couple of relatives as well as DH's siblings discussing the cute outfits they bought. ~sigh~
The good part is that we are having lots of kids come and will be having outdoor games for them. We are doing them in the part of our backyard where we planted the lilac tree with some of Alexander's ashes. The tree is doing great and will be blossoming aorund that time so it's like Alexander will be a part of the activities. No one knows the history of the tree so it will just be DH's and my little secret but it will be nice to have the tree there while kids run and play.

[myangelsvw]

Good news from both Kimmie and astro in one day! How did I manage to miss it!

Kimmie - Hooray for being clot-free! Finally! And I'm glad they found a way to give you your life back while making sure that you stay clot-free. I suspect the monthly betas will be a little stressful (although hopefully there will be too few to get to you too much) but it'll be great to be able to get you the right meds at the right times. And most of all, good luck this month!

astro - Glad to hear CD1 arrived at last. What a relief! Looks like we may even get to FET together. What fun. :rolleyes: :p

Ericka - Sending you closed cervix vibes. :)

amy - If there are people who wonder about you "moving on", that's their own problem. If what they mean is living your life, well, you've been doing that. If what they mean is not remembering Avery or being sad that she's not with you, they're dummies. And we're very happy to remind you of that any time you need. Just say the word. :D

sophia - <sigh> It's lovely that people want to celebrate Alexa, but it would be nice if they'd remember Alexander, too, wouldn't it. And that probably *will* be harder to do as birthdays (and parties) come to have more meaning for Alexa. Still. You'd think it wouldn't be too much to ask for the first year at the very least. But I hope that by reminding some folks you'll get more in the way of support than you might have otherwise. And have I mentioned that I think it's awesome that Alexander's lilac will be blooming around the twins' birthday?

Me? Had my first appointment back with the RE yesterday. We discussed "the plan" which is an FET followed by a fresh cycle if that doesn't work. He was ready for us to start with my next period later this month, but I think we'll probably wait one more cycle. I'm getting better slowly, but I think another month is a good idea for my emotional health. In the bad news category, because I had the emergency D&C to remove the placenta, I have to have another HSG. Joy. Luckily they scheduled it for today, so it didn't give me much time to get worked up over the procedure. I have, however, been doing an excellent job at getting worked up this morning. I remember reading an article sometime during my first trimester about a rise in infections (and infant loss) among pregnant women who'd taken antibiotics within the three months prior to getting pregnant. And, of course, they're giving me antibiotics and, of course, I'm terrified to take them. I'm so afraid of having the same thing happen once again. :(

[LDS Angel 19]

I have some catching up to do....

Mother's/Father's Day We'll be spending it with my mom, it's also my birthday three days before. :rolleyes: So it's not shaping up to be a happy weekend.
I'm really worried about Father's day for DH. Last year it was two days after we lost her. :(

Ericka I hope all goes well with all you dr appts.

Astro That's great! I really hope your body co-operates for you.

Amy I don't feel like anyone in our familes will remember Allison either. And I hate it. That is so sweet about your pastor's wife though.

Sophia ...wow. Sometimes people just suck, don't they? :mad: But I think your response is wonderful, weather they listen or not.

myangelsvw I think that's really good that you recignize you need more time emotionally. I'll be praying that everything works out when you're ready. I hope everything goes ok with the HSG.


As for me, well, things haven't been so great. I'm probably 3 or 4 DPO, but not very excited about it. If this cycle dosen't work out, we're going to take off probably two or three months. DH and I are just not at a point in our relationship where we can focus on ttc. As much as I want another child, I know it's for the best to wait awhile.

ETA: There's one more thing I wanted to mention. I found a service online that touches up photos of babies who were stillborn or premature. They do this for free. I had Allison's picture done and it turned out wonderfully. It takes about a week. I have it posted in my LJ, let me know your LJ name if you'd like to see. The site is www.babyangelpics.com if anyone is interested.

[KRM&TPS]

First of all I want to thank you all for welcoming me and your kind words. Secondly I am sorry I deleted my post I really don't know why I did it. I think I will repost it. I know I am not a mother that lost a child but I think it's great how supportive yall are of each other. I only wish my sister could be a part of something like this. I think it would help her alot. I also wanted to add that I wished none of yall had to go through what yall went through and are going through now.

I could not call my sister that night because it was almost midnight, but I did call her the next day. She said it was a very hard day for her. The worse part about it is that my niece is buried about 3-4 hours away from where my sister lives. We had some family plots where we grew up and its right next to my grandparents and great grandparents. We thought they could kind of watch over her in a way. So my sister probably has not been there since we buried her or maybe a time or two after that. She also has not been able to afford a tombstone for her. The last time I was there I brought a little name plaque I made and hung it on one of those garden plant hanger things. I just wanted her to have something.

She also regrets that she never got a picture of Megan and Justin together. When they were at the same hospital they were too little. Then we he got out(after 4 months) the NICU never let us bring him in. The last night we were with her before she passed away we thought about it. But she looked so bad, and we did not want to run the risk of getting him sick. So I had a friend sketch a picture of them together. It looks good but its not the same.

About 3 months after we buried her I went with my sister back to Oschsner to hear the autopsy report. It turns out she had a very rare stomach disorder in which she could not digest things properly. I think it made my sister have a little piece about it. For the longest time she blamed herself since they were born so early.

Anyway thanks for listening to me it makes me feel a little better to talk about things.

[KRM&TPS]

Here is my repost, if its ok. Thank again everyone.

Ive been debating whether I should post here or not. Some people might not want me to post her. I hope I don't offend or hurt anyone. I am just looking for support. My sister had had twins in August 2003 at 27 weeks. My nephew was 1 pound 15 ounces and my niece was 2 pounds 6 ounces. For the first few weeks my nephew,Justin, struggled with feeding issues so we were all concerned about him. My niece,Megan, Was doing relatively well. One day while doing an xray they noticed something was wrong with her stomach. She was flown 2 hours away to Oschner's. She had NEC and had to have surgery to remove the bad part. She had a brain bleed, feeding intolerance, numerous infections from her centrail lines and was intubated 99% of her life. Week after week they would run tests and try to figure ouut what was wrong with her. Things were starting to turn around and she had extubated herself one night(she was a little fighter.) She was doing so well they had her on a nasal canula. But it seemed it she took two steps forward she would take five steps back. As I said she got several infections and she never could feed. She had been on TPN for months and months, which was not good for her. In March 2004 she got MRSA or soemthing and was put in isolation. She had become so swollen. She probably weighed 30 pounds. April 30 we got a call that she was not doing good at all. We had gotten calls before like this but something told me this was it.

That night we drove to see her. We were all alowed to go in. We spent about 3 hours with her before the doctors came in and said there was nothing they could do. She was just surviving off the machines. My sister made the hard decision to have them turm off the machines. That was honestly the hardest thing I think my sister has ever done. Before they did we all got to hold her. That was my first and last time I got to hold her. My sister and BIL held her for a long time. She breathed on her on for a little bit. About 30 minutes into May 1 she passed away. She had spent all 9 months of her life in the hospital. My sister and I got to bath her. The next day we bought a pretty dress for her to wear. I don't know how she does it because when ever I think about her I breakdown. Last year I called my sister to check on her. It was a very day for all of us. I was so busy today I didn't even realize the date until a few minutes ago. I feel like a horrible sister and aunt. I feel like Ill forget about her or something. Im scared about that. I don't want that to ever happen. Its like no one wants to talk about Megan anymore. Im sorry I could be rambling and might not even belong her. If someone wants me to remove this I will.

[jennylou]

kim - it's so hard to know what to do when you're going through it all. Even for us, we had no inclination of what was to come that Sunday morning and never did get a picture of Andrew with my DH. Nor did we get a family picture. I'll always feel bad about that.

[KRM&TPS]

Yeah she just always thought there would be a chance. I guess you can't change whats happened. I remember you Jennylou from WC. I remember reading your posts and seeing the picture of you and Andrew. He was a beautiful little boy. Sometimes things just dont make sense.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thanks for the wishes at the appts. I ended up going to my family doctor today about the bumps on the tops and sides of my feet, she said it's possibly a mild case of eczema and gave me a script for a steroid/fungus lotion. It's not itchy really I have bumps on 2 fingers on my left hand as well. I will see my peri on Tuesday and mention it to him and also to my OB on Friday.

Kim - here is a site that I used to get Rebekah's marker. The prices are pretty reasonable and they have a fast turn around. Not sure if anything is affordable for your sister, but they may be able to work with them. http://www.crbronzeworks.com/ If they go to testimonies, Rebekah's marker is shown there.

We never got a family picture or a picture of Jarett with Rebekah and I regret that now. With this baby we will be sure to take them immediately though.

[myangelsvw]

Kim - Glad you came back. :) I think it's so natural to second guess your decisions. But we all do the best we can. As for your sister, in both cases, she was thinking of her kids -- wanting Megan to be with family and wanting not to expose Justin to possible sickness -- so even if the outcome is a sad one, the decisions themselves were for good reasons. KWIM? Oh, and feel free to send your sister over. Unless, of course, you don't want to admit being an internet crazy like the rest of us. ;) :p

Michelle - I'd been thinking about contacting angel pics and seeing what they can do with our photo. There's one in particular that is close to being good enough that I could show people. Vincent actually looks really good in it, but I'd love for William's mouth to be more closed so he just looks like he's sleeping. I don't know if they could do that or not. That's why I've been hesitating. But maybe I'll call and ask. Can't hurt to try, I suppose.

[Kimmiebride]

Myangelsvw, I am a professional photographer, and you'd be amazed at what they can do in photoshop. I think you should send it, especially if it would make you feel better to be able to share your boys with others. I haven't scanned my pictures of Robert, just his footprints, and one of these days will get around to turning them black and white so he looks like a more "normal" color. They didn't wrap him up in a blanket for these pictures, and I kind of wish they did, so I could also have a picture that would look like he was just sleeping. Still, I am grateful they took the pictures and gave them to me, or otherwise I would be a complete basket case about my decision not to see him or hold him. It's enough of a regret already, but I am so grateful that I have a picture of his sweet face, and can see how he looked like his daddy. I don't want to share the photos with anyone, except DH if he ever wants to see them. I have had a couple of friends ask, but I feel like a mother hen protecting her nest. Some weird instinct comes up in me, and I tell them that I want to keep that memory just for me. Best of luck with the new plan and bravo for realizing you need more time! I hope there will be plenty more rainbows in this thread when the time is right for each of us!

Kim, welcome! I am glad you came back - I missed your post the first time, and was wondering what you had do say. I am sorry you and your familiy have had to experience the loss of a precious child. I will keep you and your sister in my prayers.

Thanks to everyone for your good wishes about my ttc plans! I really hope that some of us get pg together so we can share the good times and the scary times. I can't see myself in a due date thread with all the discussions about which stroller to buy, or griping about weight gain and m/s as I go day by day knowing all too well that things can go so wrong sometimes, and how blessed I would be to have a second chance. Astro, I am glad you are getting some closure, and hope your body bounces right back and knows what to do for the next time.

Does anyone go through days where you just feel like this is all so surreal? I was reading "A Few Good Eggs" last night, and knowing our stories and reading their stories, it's a wonder ever makes it to the end of the game board with a healthy infant to raise and care for. 3 years of infertility made me skeptical in a deep small place that I would actually be holding my baby in April, and here I sit without him. Was I just being paranoid, or did my intuition know somehow. Consciously, I really believed everything would be ok, but somewhere in the darkness was the whisper of the truth that would come to pass. I remember doing deep breathing when I would go to sleep. "Out with the negative thoughts, worry, and fear; In with health, peace and well-being!" In the times when I feel guilty about losing Robert, I worry that I didn't do those exercises enough. I know there was nothing I could have done, but it's there, in the back of my mind.

Enough waxing philosophical,
Kimmie

[Kimmiebride]

Hi, me again. I was just looking at my calendar, and realized that AF came about 4-5 days early for me. Should I be worried? That was a cycle of only 21 days... I am usually a 25/26 day girl. My 5 pp cycle lengths have been 23, 28, 26, 24 & 21.
Thanks,
Kimmie

[myangelsvw]

Kimmie - Thanks for the encouraging words about the retouching. And yep. Infertility makes you skeptical. No way around it. But I say intuition, smintution. I was exactly the opposite. I was worried, but my intution told me everything was going to be ok. Wrong-o. So of course, I feel guilty for not worrying and being careful enough. It's totally a no win situation. As for your cycle, I don't think I'd worry about one short cycle. I do think 21 days is a little short, but unless it becomes the norm, you're probably fine. We all have funky ones every now and then. Here's hoping for a nice, normal one this month.

[KRM&TPS]

Ericka- Thanks so much that might be a great option. They did a great job on Rebekah's marker. I will tell my sister about them for sure.

myangelsvw- Thank you so much. Oh I know my sister made the right decision. It was bitter sweet spending the time with Megan. I will tell her about yall for sure. She does not spend alot of time online. She a nurse plus she has Justin who is two now and my nephew Quincy who is one. Oh she already knows Im internet crazy.:)

Kimmie- Thank you very much.

I have been wondering lately if Justin ever feels different. You know the never really spent anytime together on the outside. I just wonder if he ever feels hes missing something. We are making sure he knows who she is. But I just woinder. It made sound really silly. But do yall know what Im saying.


I also wish you all lots of luck with everything. Ever since reading this thread I have prayed for you all.

[goldengbridge]

KRM- That makes sense. I know exactly what you mean.

Kimmie- I wish you the best of luck with TTC.

Hello to everyone else!

AF came today. I thought I would be happy when she finally showed up after all its only been 6 weeks and I'm thinking its probably a good sign that she came back so soon but its been making me so upset. Its like everything is so final now. I had my apt with the Dr scheduled for tomorrow but that will have to be rescheduled now. My mind knows that its final but now my body does too. Just makes me so sad. I hope that makes sense. I was just telling DH that no one even mentions Jacob anymore and its been such a short period of time. Maybe thats why though, because people thinks its too painful. I dont know but I wish people would mention his name. I just feel like people have forgotton already. And that hurts to think about. We've visited his grave every sunday since he passed and everytime we go to leave I cant help but think that this is not how its supposed tobe. Noone should have to visit their baby in a cemetary once a week. Its just so horrible..

Anyway I dont mean to be all depressing tonight. I just wanted to check in and wish everyone well. TTL.

[jennylou]

Found a little cross, with these words on it this weekend. In the middle there is a square and hanging on a chin is what appears to be a mother with a child.

"Little I knew that morning, God was going to call your name, in life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone, for part of me went with you, the day God called you home. You left us beautiful memories, your love is still our guide, and though we cannot see you, you are always by our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same, but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again."

I found it at a Hallmark type store in the mall. They also had it on just a plaque, but it was kind of scratched up.

[Kimmiebride]

Jenny, awww, that's beautiful! Thanks for posting it! I always look for stuff like that at the card stores. Every once in a while you find something really sweet. I can't believe you only have 90 days to go... wow!

ggbridge, sorry that AF's arrival was so emotional. I am thinking of you, and hoping that you know that Jacob is not forgotten. One thing I really get a little pissed about is that some people seem to think it's just too hard on them to keep remembering our lost children, so they move on, and forget to save themselves from the hurt... um, no one hurts as bad as we do, I can guarantee it. Way to be really selfish. I had a couple of friends that I used to be really close with, one in particular didn't email me for almost a week after I sent a note saying we had lost Robert. He didn't call or anything. He said it was just too hard, and he didn't know what to say. He knew about our infertility struggles, and how hard we had tried, and how long, and how happy we were to finally be pregnant. I had sat on the phone with him many hours, listening of his frustrations with his job and wanting to be a photographer instead of a medical physicist... and he couldn't even pick up the phone to see how we were doing. I resented it, and obviously do still. Talk about Jacob with your friends and family whenever you feel the need to - don't try to spare them the pain of remembering him. He deserves to be remembered, and he's a special part of your family. Hope you're feeling better!

*****
Today was a great day! After a lull in business, I booked two weddings today, which is just grand! Now October has filled up nicely, and I can justify the equipment I just bought as well! Looking forward to this wedding season, and to everything this year (and hopefully spring next year) will bring. This getting ready to ttc feels like a kid on Christmas. It's been a long time since I felt like that regarding ttc. I hope we are successful quickly! Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts!!
hugs,
kimmie

[jennylou]

kimmie - the renewed hope I felt after I got the green light to ttc again was amazing. Everything had felt so wrong, that this finally felt good. It was the first time I started looking forward to things again. I hope you have quick sucess!:)

[myangelsvw]

Kimmie - Glad you had such a great day yesterday. You sound so hopeful, which is really wonderful. I'm happy for you. :D

Jen - Someone very smart suggested to me that AF hormones in the midst of such overwhelming grief can make for some pretty tough days. I know that for me, my first "real" AF threw me for a serious loop. (My first pp period came really late, so I was just grateful that I wasn't permanently broken or something.) Hang in there. And talk about Jacob as much as you need to. It's important.

Jenny - That made me cry. Very touching.

Speaking of crying, I ventured into the MDay card aisle yesterday to get cards for my mom and MIL. Bad idea, in case anyone was wondering. I wouldn't recommend it. But after much crying, I did find a decent one. Picked up some packets of Forget-me-not seeds at the garden center so I'm all set. Sadly, I don't think I'm going to be able to do my massage (long story) so now I'm back to wondering what to do. DH wants to go out for dinner. I want to stay in and eat ice cream. Lots and lots and lots of ice cream.

[Ericka_Jarett]

HI ladies,

Kimmie - so glad to hear that you have things moving in your direction now. Hope there is baby news for you soon.

Me - I went for my cervical check u/s today. Well the tech sort of messed up and did my level 2 (was suppose to have this in 2 weeks) along with the cervical today Was great to see that everything was measuring on target and of course to see our peanut. I asked my doctor about finding out the sex and he said well let's try and take a peek. No such luck, baby was hiding under my belly button. We could see the legs on one side and the stomach on the other, gender was right in the belly button shadow. Have to wait 2 weeks until we find out for sure what we are having. Doc said he thinks it's a boy, but can't give a percentage, so we are not going to go out buying stuff until we know for sure. This is going to be a long 2 weeks. (longer than the 12 weeks of waiting to get to this point)

[Astro]

myangelsvw I agree that the mother's day card aisle stinks. I cried too. I basically ended up in the humorish general section and got two cards. Two of the same card for my step-mom and birth-mom.

My DH and I have talked about mother's day and what to do. I definitely do NOT want to go out to dinner... The thought of all those mom's out at the restaurant,celebrating with their kids... that'll set me off. I also don't want to go to church and see all the moms and kids. I'd hide in the house with icecream if I could, but all the tv shows will be mom/family related. I told my DH I wanted to go on a long drive if the weather is ok. I'm hoping we can take the car out for a spin through the mountains.

We took our photos (2) of our boys into a camera shop last week that is associated with the angel pics site posted last week. We're looking forward to getting the pics back in a couple weeks. I told my dad about it this weekend, and he thought it was a good idea. As did my sil. The big surprise was my brother. He's not very good with sickness/hospitals/death/etc. His comment on hearing about the pics being touched up, "Ew, that's morbid. I hope you aren't going to display that in the main part of the house." Needless to say, not the reaction I wanted from him, but it wasn't unexpected. I guess that means I won't show him the pics, but I'll show them to all the rest of the family.

anyway, I should end this long ramble. I'm so glad we're here for each other. It gives me strength to know my DH and I are not alone in this. :)

[LDS Angel 19]

Hi Ladies...

Jen I got AF back pretty quick too. I rememeber how hard it was. I hope you're doing ok.

Kimmie It's so great to hear that you're hopeful/excited about ttc. I really hope things work out for you soon!

Astro I hope your photos turn out well. We now have ours prominatly displayed in a frame in our livingroom. Over this last year I've adapted "screw what everyone else thinks" as one of my main mottos. :cool:


Nothing new here. 9 DPO and getting antsy. I just wanted to stop by and post something I read on another board, that I you girls can relate to:

Reflections of a Mother's Day Denied
by Michelle Parrish, Columbia TCF Chapter, Baltimore, MD:

On this, my first Mother's Day, I asked myself, Do I have the right to
celebrate Mother's Day? Have I truly been a mother this past year?
The answer is yes.

Each day I have cared for my child as every mother does, except
differently. In every way possible I have mothered him.

I have mothered him with every tear shed; through the agony of
longing to hold him. I have rocked him in my heart if not in my arms. I have
kissed his little cheeks in my mind if not with my lips. Smelled his
sweetness with my hopes if not my nose. Tickled him with my wishes,
if not with my fingers.

Am I a mother? I truly am. My physical mothering has been limited to
lovingly tending his grave. But I am a mother all the same.

[myangelsvw]

I am just so sick of this. Everytime I have a good day, I end up feeling awful again. Sunday was a good day - probably the best day I've had since William and Vincent died. But this week has been awful once again. At first I was just low, low, low all the time. Then the rollercoaster started. I'd slowly creep up the hill and then plunge off it. I'm getting up the hills a little faster now, but the plunge always comes right after I get to the top. I'm worn out. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of wondering if I could have just died if I'd refused the D&C to remove the placenta and let the infection keep progressing. I'm tired of fighting my way to the good days only to feel like this again. It almost makes those good days not worth the effort. It's been three months, and I just need a little relief. I want to feel better, but I really don't know how.

Ok. Composing myself for SOs.

astro - A drive sounds nice. So do mountains. Sadly, we live in the city (a super flat one at that!) and by the time we'd get anywhere scenic, we'd have to turn around and come home. I'll have to live vicariously through you. I also think we'll be renting an armful of pre-approved, non-tearjerker movies from Blockbuster. And stocking up on that ice cream I mentioned. You can eat vicariously through me. :p Let us know how your photos come back.

Michelle - Been thinking of you during the wait. I know it's a tough one.

Ericka - Good luck at your next u/s.

Sophia - How're you feeling? I just might have been doing a little lurking and just might have seen some reference to a heartbeat. Good news, that!

[goldengbridge]

Myangelsvw- Hugs. What you said makes total sense to me. For every good day i have theirs 10 bad. I'm thinking of you.

So I have a question. Has anyone had a disagreement with their DH as to when to try again?

Last night we were laying in bad discussing everything and I mentioned to him that I want to try again when we get the green light. He got a little upset and said that hes not ready and that he cant imagine TTC any time soon. I obviously wouldn't pressure him into anything but I'm just not sure what to think. Its only been almost 6 weeks so its still so early since Jacob passed. Maybe he'll feel different in a month or two.

[sophiapb]

Geez, Jenny and Michelle, make a girl cry why don't cha?

Astro, I hope the photos turn out great. That's really exciting. Sorry your brother was a jerk but some people are just like that.

Kimmie, I am so excited for you. Booking business AND TTC? Go Kimmie! Just being given that bit of hope makes all the difference in ones outlook.

Hey goldengbridge-Wow, AF came quick! Yeah, AF hormones can play havoc with your moods. I would get severly depressed when I was PMSing and felt like I carried all the sorrows of the world on my shoulders. Not the easiest thing to deal with when you are grieving anyway. Hang in there, it will get better even though it doesn't feel liek that now.

Ericka-Your kid is giving trouble already? Hiding under your belly button? ;) Well, it's great that you've got another U/S coming up so you can get another look at the little troublemaker. :D

myangelsvw-You've got a lot of crap going on so you can't expect to be a superwoman and be cured of your sadness so soon since the loss of your boys. Personally, I don't think that I even came to this thread until about four months after Alexander's passing when I was a little less of a head case. I have so much respect for the women who are able to come to this thread soon after thier loss because I think that's the best thing to do. Get the support needed and start to move forward. I know that your due date is looming as well as Mother's Day which FYI I think is a bullsh!t holiday. First off, I think most people treat their mothers very well through out the year and if they don't, one day is not going to make up for it. Why bother putting more money into the pockets of Hallmark, restaurants and florists everywhere for this dumb made-up holiday? I used to get near hysterics when we were fighting to get pregnant for years and Mother's Day would come up. It's like Valentine's Day when you are single. I see no point.
But I digress. Back to the important part which is that you mentioned you've been thinking about dying. I know you thought about it in the past tense but that's serious stuff and a sign of severe depression. Some of your previous posts mentioned that you had gone to a grief support group but did you go to any kind of therapist on your own? I really think you need to do something like that whenever you start wishing you had died when given the chance. DH and I went to a therapist soon after we lost Alexander and it helped us a lot as a couple. We went a few times together and then DH went a few times on his own and it really helped us. Would you consider anything like that? I hate the thought of you struggling when there is help out there. Please take care of yourself and give me a yell if you need anything.

_____________________________

As for me, yup, I saw the heartbeat on Monday, a steady little blip-blip-blip. It took the doctor a minute or so to find it which was the longest minute of my life but find it he did. Everything looks good so we're crossing our fingers that everything continues progressing well. Oh please, oh please, oh please!

[Kimmiebride]

Myangelsvw, I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I really second Sophia's recommendation about seeing a grief counselor again. It makes me really worry when you said you thought that maybe you wished the infection would have continued. Sweetie, no one knows why our children had to die, but we weren't "meant" to go with them yet for whatever reason... Seeing a personal counselor, or using medication is NOT a sign of weakness or defeat, just a tool to lean on until you feel stronger. You deserve to feel better than you do right now, and you deserve to be supported. Your boys would want that for their mommy! We're totally here for you, but we can only do so much, and I think you deserve some in person hugs. You have been through a terrible ordeal, and need some solid ground upon which to catch your footing without it crumbling away each time you climb the hill. Keep us posted, and lean all you need to!!
with love,
Kimmie

[myangelsvw]

sophia - Thanks for worrying about me. :) It is definitely dying in the past tense. One of the books I read made the distinction between passive and active thoughts of death, saying that passive thoughts are very normal after a loved one dies. Made me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one to have felt that way, because I will admit that when I'm hurting really badly I do think about how I wish I could have gone with my boys. Certainly would have been easier because life is really hard without them. But I promise that if I ever switch over to having active thoughts I'll call someone immediately. Cross my heart and hope to, well, ok, never mind. I'll just promise. And the scary thing? This is me while already seeing a therapist. I just hope that sometime soon I start seeing a little pay-off for confronting the grief. Supposedly it's better for you, but I don't know if I'm buying that just yet. Sure doesn't feel better.

Jen - I don't think it's uncommon to disagree on when to try again. For us, we both wanted to try again immediately at first. Then I started really grieving hard at which point DH was still ready but I needed to wait. Granted, I'm not waiting too long, but we're older and infertile, so that's added pressure. But I'm slowly feeling more ready and I'm sure your DH will too. I know it feels so far away at this point. I hope he's ready before you know it.

Kimmie - Thanks. And I definitely agree with you both about the need to get support. I very much believe in that. Although I might feel a little strange asking my therapist for a hug. ;) And I know it wasn't my time. I hope someday I can look back and see why I was meant to stay. But right now it's just too soon for me to know.

ETA: Could be that this little hump is hormone related. Just realized that I'm somewhere around ovulation, so maybe I can just blame this on that? Here's hoping.

[Astro]

myangelsvw Don't be too hard on yourself about not "feeling better" yet. It's only been a few months. I've read a few articles and heard from a bunch of Dr's that it usually takes 3 months of depression before you start (notice it says start) to feel better. I know that seems like eternity, but time does eventually passes. We lost our boys in September, and I don't think we were able to stay above the depression and grief until after December. Don't misunderstand, there were days of non-grief, but not really happiness. Looking back I think we bobbled from deep grief, low grief, not noticing the grief, back down. I think we spent most of our time in the valleys and didn't know how to get to normal or what normal was going to be. Now, we spend most of our time up high (out of grief). We still bobble down into grief (mainly around Mother's day for me), but it's shorter dips down for shorter periods. Basically this long ramble is just to let you know you aren't abnormal (um, in this aspect, not sure about the rest of your life ;) ) Hang in there, feel free to come here or contact me if you want. :)

[myangelsvw]

Thanks, friends, for helping me get through yet another bad day yesterday. I'm feeling much better today. I even feel prepared for Sunday although I'm sure that'll change. But I'm happy for whatever respite I can get.

You know how I've been talking about ice cream? Well, let me do it some more. I'm stocking up early. I just bought three pints at the grocery store. :eek: I'm now in possession of Dove Mint Chocolate and two flavors of Haagen Dazs - Triple Chocolate and Baileys. Yum! And since I needed to make sure I'd be happy with those flavors come Sunday, I did a little taste test tonight. Ahhhh. Little Baileys ice cream with a drizzle of actual Baileys is a wonderful thing on a dreary Thursday evening.


you aren't abnormal (um, in this aspect, not sure about the rest of your life ;) )

Is it that obvious? :p (Hee. I needed a little giggle.)

[goldengbridge]

Happy Mother's Day to a group of women who have a special place in my heart. And for all our little Angels in heaven who wish they could be here to celebrate with us.




Getting Through Mother's Day
Written by Clara Hinton | May 07, 2006
(to view this article or others like it, visit www.silentgrief.com)

One of the most difficult days to get through following the loss of a child is Mother’s Day. Reminders of this special occasion are everywhere. Stores, magazines, and flower shops all have advertisements and brilliant displays showing ways to honor mothers. For a mother that has gone through the pain of child loss, these reminders continue to add to the pain already felt by a mother’s heart that has been left aching for the child she loves so much.

There is no way to completely avoid Mother’s Day, but there are things that can be done in preparation for this difficult day that can help to lessen the pain. Often, the most important thing a mother can do is to communicate her feelings to those who are part of her support system. Don’t be afraid to be honest. Come up with a plan that best suits you, and share that plan with others so that they know how to best help you get through Mother’s Day. Remember that every mother grieves the loss of her child in a uniquely different way, so there is no right or wrong way to face Mother’s Day.

It is vitally important for a mother to take care of herself physically by eating nutritious meals and by keeping herself well hydrated in the days leading up to Mother’s Day. Also, it is important to get as much rest as possible. Grief work is very real and requires lots of attention. Grief is a drain physically and emotionally, so extra care is needed during the stress of facing Mother’s Day without your child.

Try to find a way to validate your child that is so very special to your heart. By validating the memory of your child, you also validate the fact that you are a mother. Many mothers have found that journaling their thoughts is healing for Mother’s Day. Others have found that it helps to plant a special flower in memory of their child. Some mothers want to be acknowledged in church on Mother’s Day even though their child is not here with them. Others choose to avoid all social gatherings on Mother’s Day, and instead choose to take a quiet, reflective walk. Do whatever is best for you.

Remind yourself often that you can make it through Mother’s Day. Do all that you can to get through the day gently and in a way that is healing to you. Remember that tears are cleansing and are not a sign of failure.

By preparing for Mother’s Day, you are doing a lot of your grief work before the actual day arrives. You will find that when Mother’s Day comes and you have a plan in mind, you will experience less grief and those around you will be able to support you through the day that has been so heavy on your heart. Most times, the anticipation is far worse than the actual day. With some thought and careful planning, you will make it through Mother’s Day, and you will be one step closer to finding healing in this difficult journey called grief.

[LDS Angel 19]

Jen, thanks for posting that article.

myangelsvw, I'll take some mint Chocolate if you're willing to share :)

Well, I'm a wreak already today, I'm kind of scared of how I'll be come sunday. Yesterday was my birthday. It was an ok day, but every holiday now seems like nothing but a reminder of what should have been.
No birthday BFP either, and my temp took a dive today. I'm just so tired of all of this. Grief, ttc, everything. I want my old life back.

[myangelsvw]

Michelle - Consider the ice cream shared. Would you like to share the weight I'll gain from it too? I'm very generous. :p ;) Take care of yourself this weekend. I'll be thinking about everyone here.

[jennylou]

I just wanted to post to say Happy Mother's Day to all of you. I know it's not the Mother's Day that we were all dreaming of, but we all *are* moms and should be acknowledged as such. I hope the day is gentle on you.

[chocolate_truffle]

Happy Mother's Day to a very special group of mothers.

Since we lost Sabrina, my best friend, ee_chick, has called me every Mother's Day to let me know she is thinking about Sabrina and me. She is an amazing person, and this is just one example of the many kind, generous, and thoughtful things she has done for me through the years.

So, I'd like to do for you what my dear friend has done for me -- to let you know I'm thinking about you and your little ones. To echo jennylou's sentiments, I hope the day is gentle on you.

[RobynScott]

Hi Ladies,

I hope you don't mind my intrusion. First, I would like to let you know there are people thinking of you today and hoping as previous posters have said that the day is gentle on you.

Second, if any of you are also on the weightwatchers board (a long shot I know, but I thought I might ask) - there is a poster over there who just lost her baby at 23 weeks (emergency c-section due to pre-eclampsia). I hope it's not wrong of me to post this (and I sincerely apologize if it is!) - but if any of you are also on that board - I thought maybe you could post to her? the post is on the "just married" message board of weightwatchers.com. I did not post this board to her b/c I recognize it's probably too soon - but if any of you are there too - maybe you could post to her?

Again - I'm sorry for intruding - hope you don't mind (and feel free to tell me to delete if I shouldn't have posted) - I just though that you ladies might be able to offer support that I can't.

Sorry again for butting in - thinking of you all today.

--Robyn

[Kimmiebride]

Hi Robyn,
I don't think it's too soon to tell her to come here... I came in the day I got home from the hospital, and the support from everyone really helped me cope.

Everybody, gentle wishes for a survivable Mother's Day. I have been pretty good so far today. Just staying inside for the most part and working. Dinner with the IL tonight. I think I will survive this one ok...
Kimmie

[myangelsvw]

So how did everyone do yesterday? I was thinking of you all.

We did ok, although I think that was because I consciously ignored everything and just tried to do relaxing/fun stuff. Made crepes in the morning, kicked DH's ass at scrabble in the afternoon, and drank rather heavily in the evening. DH brought me purple flowers (purple because it's the color of the February birthstone.) Nobody else said anything, although my mom alluded to the day being hard for me. But mostly I pretended like it was any other day. Today I'm feeling a little down, because even though I made it through, there are plenty more where that came from. And I doubt I'll always get off so easily.

Plus, I'm down to not much more than a pint of ice cream.

[sophiapb]

Plus, I'm down to not much more than a pint of ice cream.

For heaven's sake, woman, get yourself to the freezer section of your local grocery store NOW!

[Astro]

myangelsvw um, what happened to sharing the icecream? ;) Which was your favorite?

We survived. I didn't want a huge deal made, but I would have appreciated something said or a note of kindness from immediate family or very close friends. I really appreciated my DH's Grandmother getting me a bunch of flowers and letting me know she was thinking of me. She said eventhough our babies aren't here with us on earth, we are all still parents. She's had 6 living children and one stillbirth, so she can relate. She's 86 and still thinks about her son. DH and I took a nice drive up into the northern cascades, actually on the North Cascade Highway that opened May 1st. It closes due to snow and slides every winter. It's a very narrow, curvy, two lane highway that actually doesn't appear on the map in spots. We took his sports car, zoomed through the corners, and did lots of oohing and aahing at sights. It was very relaxing and much needed.

[goldengbridge]

Hi Girls

Mothers Day was very hard. I dont think it will ever get easy but I think it was super hard because Jacob only passed 6 weeks ago. I went to the cemetary on Saturday and took him flowers and a angel balloon. My mistake is I went bymyself and totally lost it. I came home with the worst headache and my body was all tight. Sunday I was planning on going again but I just couldn't. I made myself so sick on Sat that I couldn't go back and then I felt guilty and horrible for not going back:( We went to MIL's for dinner but didnt stay long. And the kicker was that my oh so f*cked up SIL had dropped her two babies off all weekend long at MILs so she could go drinking. And then when her lazy butt showed up to eat and get them she just got her food and sat in the other room. Sent me over the edge. I would have killed to have both my babies here with me on mothers day and then she has to act like such an inconsiderate idiot all the time. She seriously is a horrible mother and it makes me sick.

End of rant.

My first counseling session is today. I'm going to give it a try and see what happens. No one in my life will talk about Jacob (except DH) and I need to. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm hoping she can help.

I was thiking of you all. I'm hoping you all are doing well.

[myangelsvw]

Jen - Sorry the weekend was so tough on you. I don't blame you at all for minimizing time around your SIL. Folks like that just make our predicament seem even more unfair. And that's not easy to do. Good luck at your counseling. It's so important to have someone else to talk to, especially as you get further away from Jacob's death. I feel like I'm about two months behind where most people expect me to be, so having my therapist to talk to has been really important. I hope it goes well.

astro - See, now, the way I look at it is that by finishing them off myself, I'm striking a blow for all of us whose husbands will eat the last of the ice cream without even offering us a bite. And the mint chocolate wins hands down. Thanks to Bad Influence pb I even went back and got another pint of that one. :p :D

BIPB - That's right. I blame you for that extra pint sitting in my freezer right now. ;)

[sophiapb]

Thanks to Bad Influence pb I even went back and got another pint of that one. :p :D

BIPB - That's right. I blame you for that extra pint sitting in my freezer right now. ;)

Oh, lordy! :rolleyes:

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. Here, knock yourself out.

http://www.haagen-dazs.com/img_db/pro/pro_mci_200.gif

http://www.haagen-dazs.com/img_db/pro/pro_mci_101.jpg

Astro and goldengbridge do you have any requests for flavors? I'll see what i can do for you as well.

[LDS Angel 19]

You girls crack me up ;)

Jen, I hope the counseling goes well.

[myangelsvw]

Ok. This has been eating at me for a while, so I think I need to say something about it. I was talking to a FWTK (friend with two kids) about us getting ready to try again, and she was saying something about how I needed to wait until I "feel better". I responded that from what I've read, lots of grieving parents find having another child to be a real turning point in their grief. Her assumption for why that is? Simply because they're busy. Not that a new child brings back a little bit of the joy that the parents thought had disappeared forever. But because they're busy. When I pushed her a little, saying that it really is more than that, she then assumed it's because you can hold the new baby and cry. Well, I imagine that does happen because another child doesn't take away the pain. But it was like she didn't even see that it could be a positive emotion. Maybe she's in a tough spot with her own parenting, but how could she not see that children bring happiness? It really hurts me to feel like she takes for granted all the things that I have been denied. And then I get scared that maybe she knows something that I don't and if joy really is gone forever, well, why bother at all? KWIM?


BIPB - Yum. Of course, I'm getting fatter just looking at the screen. (ps - Do you really hate your new nickname? I could shorten it to Bippy, if you'd like. :p )

Michelle - Laughter good.

[sophiapb]

myangelsvw-When did I say I hated my name? I love it! It's very easy to reference. BIPB-like Bad Influence Peanut Butter or Borderline Indecent Pudding Butt or Beat It Purple Biker.

Sorry about your FWTK. That is sort of odd for her to say something like that but I think you might be right about something going on in her own life that would give her that viewpoint. Ultimately though, I do get the impression that she does care about you and just wants you to be happy so maybe that's why she's concerned you're rushing into something before being fully ready. Dunno, I'm probably overanalyzing.

goldengbridge-I wanted to touch on what you said before about your SIL. I think that is one of the most frustrating things for anyone who desperately wants a child. I had my own rant a while back about teen mothers throwing away thier newborns and based on what I read in the newspapers, it seems like crack is a better babymaking drug than Clomid and someone should look into marketing it that way. :rolleyes: It's unfair and terrible and nothing we have any control over. However, it does feel awfully to good to rant about it so come on by with more SIL stories whenever you feel the need.
How did the counseling session go?

Hey Astro, how are you doing? Glad you had a wild ride in a sports car to take you mind off of Mother's Day. Are you looking into another IVF cycle? Sorry if that was a prying question.

[LDS Angel 19]

myangelsvw About the FWTK, I'm not surprised. I've been told similar things. To me though, it's just annoying beause it's like people telling me how to grieve and I just don't deal with that. And the taking for granted part too... I've had friends tell me, "Oh, just wait until you're up with a crying baby at 3am, it's not so much fun anymore." And it just makes me want to scream. As a matter of fact, I would give my left leg (or practically anything) to be up with my daughter at 3am every night.
(Ok, so I'm a little bitter.....)

Let's go back to talking about ice cream....

[jennylou]

Usually when people would make comments about parenthood and the less than glamourious parts, I'd look people right in the eye and tell them I couldn't wait - even for that part of it. It usually shuts people up (for me anyways). I think because they then feel guilty - like, wow, I should probably feel grateful and just shut up. I hope it makes them think, and I hope it makes them appreciate their kids more.

[sophiapb]

Woah, Michelle, I can't believe someone actually said that to you. I would have told them to kiss my PB (Pudding Butt, in this case) and then had some ice cream, which cures all. Hmmm, you seem like a Strawberry Cheesecake girl to me.

http://www.haagen-dazs.com/img_db/pro/pro_sci_200.gif

http://www.haagen-dazs.com/img_db/pro/pro_sci_101.jpg

[LDS Angel 19]

Sophia, that sounds divine. I'm mostly a chocolate fiend though I do enjoy the cheesequake blizzards from DQ.



This is what I currently have in my freezer: (Toll House Cookie Swirl... couldn't find a bigger pic)
http://www.edys.com/images/flavorImages/2304p.jpg

And DH picked this one, since it's better for his 'diet': still yummy.
http://www.edys.com/et/images/SC_HomeCarton_E.jpg

(I'm surprised we don't have ice cream ads by the side of this thread yet....)

[goldengbridge]

Therapy went well and I think it is going to help. The Dr seems really nice and she said alot of things that made sense yesterday so i'm looking forward to working with her. Yesterday was just a kinda question and answer kinda thing but I still cried through the whole thing.

So 1hr and 48 mins till my PP apt. I'm dreading this. Partly because I have to go sit in a waiting room with a bunch of PG women and partly because I cant stand the Dr because hes been such a inconsiderate asshole throughout this whole thing. Didnt even show up to deliver Jacob. Had the Hospital OB deliver him because it was 4:30 am. Nice huh? I bet he would have been there though if Jacob was alive. Oh i dont even want to get started i'm so angry. I just want to get this over with. Cant wait to hear how long he wants me to wait since his nurse told me on the phone that in her PERSONAL OPINION she thinks i should wait 6 months. Not her medical opinion, but her personal one. Give me a break. Seriously. :mad:

Ok, Im done complaining. I'm going to need the biggest container or choc chip cookie dough ever later. I'll Be back.

[amygrrl]

I've had friends tell me, "Oh, just wait until you're up with a crying baby at 3am, it's not so much fun anymore." And it just makes me want to scream. As a matter of fact, I would give my left leg (or practically anything) to be up with my daughter at 3am every night.

i had a girlfriend who was due about 4 weeks before avery who said something like this when her daughter was a few months old. my response to her was 'it can't be any more difficult than lying in the shower in the fetal position crying uncontrollably at 3 am because you made arrangements that day to have your child cremated... so i think i can handle it.'

that shut her up quick.

[Astro]

myangelsvw BIPB? hmmm... interesting name... ;) I think you're correct. FWTK's is probably in a tough spot and is projecting those feelings into other parts of her life. It does hurt when someone takes parenting for granted, even if they only do it once in a while.
Bizzare Icecream Pushing Bra-burner I found a new name for your initials. I actually prefer straight chocolate to the icecream. I've recently eaten an entire bag of the Lindt Dark Chocolate Balls (truffles). Quite yummy. By the way, there is no such thing as a prying question from this group (in my opinion, directed at me, not responding for others). What that means is we have a very strong bond in here from a very horrible experience, so I will never take offense from a question posed by others in here and will answer the questions to the best of my ability. If I don't want to answer a question, I'll let you know. So to answer your IVF question, we're on hold until July/August due to the miscarriage this spring. The RE says my body's been through enough with the still-birth of our boys last fall and the miscarriage this spring.
LDS Angel 19 Have you tried the Fudge tracks? They're very yummy. We're addicted... except DH's Dr has now told him no sugar, no carbs, and no soda. He also said no icecream. We're trying to find alternatives, but it's hard. He's lost 9 pounds this week, but I've only lost 2. :(
goldengbridge Please rant about SIL and whomever else is being a twit whenever you want. We all do. :) I hope your appointment goes ok today. My first time back was really hard because of all those pregnant women, and the Dr was delayed. I got to sit there with all the happy oblivious pregnant women for 45 minutes. I hope yours is a better experience.

As for us, we're doing fine. We're in the holding pattern again until July/August. I'm actually ok with that as we got pregnant with the boys on Memorial Day, and I don't want to be pregnant again with the same due date as our boys. July/August works better as there is no connection.

[LDS Angel 19]

Jen I'm glad therapy went well! I'm really sorry to hear about your Dr. My Dr was sort of like that, so I switched dr's shortly after Alli was born. Would it be possible for you to switch? Having a more supportive Dr can be a huge help.

Amy, Wow. That's quite the comeback. I've certainly thought of saying something similar. Luckliy most people have gotten the idea by now.

Astro no ice cream? I don't think I could handle that! I'm really glad that you feel ok about your plan going forward.



Oh, btw, I haven't mentioned me and TTC recently, because it's just pissing me off. It looks like I'm having another annovulatory cycle, I think my body has completly forgotten how to function properly. :( :mad:

[jesseybell]

jennylou - I wasn't sure where to post this, but since I am not going to be on-line after this afternoon for a few days I thought I would post here. I just wanted to let you know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers this coming weekend. ((BIG HUGS)) for you.

[goldengbridge]

Appt. went ok. Not as torturous as I imagined it to be and I only saw one PG woman! Dr. said everything looks like its back to normal (uterus, etc) and that he would advice me to wait 2 cycles. I've already had one so I could possibly ttc again in June:eek: I just don't know. I really do want to get PG again but I'm kinda cautious because DS is having his 3rd heart surgery at the end of August. I had come to terms before with it that I would be PG with Jacob and I was fine with that. And I am fine with being PG when the time comes but I'm just not 100 % sure. And theres no rush. So we'll see. Did any of you girls get PG again after only a few months? And advice, ideas?

I did ask the Dr about the length of time it would have taken Jacob to pass after he was tangled in his cord and he told me not very long which made me feel better because I've been imagining him getting tangled and then suffering for awhile before he finally passed. It helps to know that when it did happen it happened quickly so he didnt have to suffer.Still makes me cry to think about it. They placed his temp. marker on his grace. It looks nice. Of course that set me off too. Hopefully I'll have a better weekend than I've been having this week.

Jenny- I don't mean to pry but I'm assuming the post above means that Andrew's anniversary is coming up? I'm thinking about you.

[jennylou]

Jessie - thank you.

goldengbridge - Andrew was born on 5/20/05 and died on 5/22 - so yes, it's a weekend of milestones for us.

[myangelsvw]

Jenny - Have you decided what you're doing for Andrew's birthday? I'll be thinking about you tomorrow even if I can't get any CC time. As for your ability to respond to people who make parenting comments - or any inappropriate comments for that matter-- I really respect that. I need to learn from you and Amygrrl because I never manage to say anything at all. Case in point, I had a so-called friend (who just broke-up with his partner) tell me yesterday that it's "unfair" that I have my DH. Rather than scream at him that I'd tell him about unfair, I kept my mouth shut. So, sensei, you must school me in the ways of keeping a clear head while standing up for yourself at the same.

Jen - Glad to hear the Dr. appointment went better than you'd hoped. I sobbed for the first 20 minutes of mine, so it sounds like you did way better than me. Regarding TTC again, I think it's really normal to feel unsure. And to change your mind. I was definitely less ready at two months than I was at two weeks. Now that we're approaching what would have been the end of my pregnancy, I'm starting to feel like I want to be pregnant again with another child.

astro - No ice cream? Oh, no! That means you probably can't even have it in the house, huh? I can just picture you huddled over a pint in the car, trying to finish it before you take the rest of the groceries in the house. :p As for FWTK, I think the thing that's hardest is that it feeds my fears of/for the future. I mean, she has what I've wanted for so long. And if she's not happy even *without* all the baggage that I'll bring (infertility, infant loss, etc.), then what chance do I have? Phooey. There I go getting all sad again.

BIPB - Pudding butt. Ah, that's better. ROTFLMPBO. :D

Michelle - Good point on the ads! What do t-shirts and skin care have to do with our convos? We need ice cream and pudding ads! As for the cycle, I know there are bunches of folks around here who know stuff about long, annovulatory cycles and what you might be able to try. If you're concerned, maybe try the Still At It thread? 'Cause I agree that it sucks mightily to be dealing with a whacko cycle in the midst of everything else.

[Kimmiebride]

Wow... you guys are killing me with all this ice cream talk! I have too much of a pudding butt!! I did notice an ad for large size clothes over there... what are they trying to tell us??

Today I have a wicked headache and I am totally tired. Very interested in testing, but have no idea just how many DPO I am, so I'll just wait until Wednesday when I go for my weekly blood test and have them test that too. I forgot my meds yesterday for the first time ever. They upped my dose for tonight. I can't wait to be off this rat poison!

Yesterday was wonderful! Amygrrl and her DH brought Malin to my studio, and we had such fun. Hopefully we didn't torment the poor sleeping baby too much! Amy, send me an e-mail and I will e-mail you one if you want to post it here. She's such a beautiful little girl, and you guys are just a wonderful family! It was so cool to meet you IRL, and I look forward to sharing the images with you once they are all processed!

Jennylou, thinking of you all this weekend. I panicked for a minute when Jessybell posted, and searched to see if you had some tough news or something, and then it finally occured to me that it must be Andrew's weekend of anniversaries.

I think I need to lie down now - worn out, and have a theatre date with my friend Nick to see a funny play tonight. I don't want to fall asleep during it!
Kimmie

[amygrrl]

kim - just sent you my email. can't wait to see the pictures! it was so much fun! and i can't wait to hang out some more. you, me, suzly, mel, and scooter need to all get together... perhaps with some alcohol? (don't worry, i've got 3 million ounces in the freezer so i can feed the princess non-alcoholic beverages ;) )

jen - i'm thinking of you this weekend. it's so amazing to me how quickly our anniversaries have snuck up on us. avery's is just a couple of weeks away. man, we sure have been through one rollar coaster year together, huh?

[goldengbridge]

Jenny- Thinking of you this weekend.

[IrishMeg]

Hi! I do not want to intrude at all but I did want to let Jenny know that I will be thinking about you, your DH, and Andrew this weekend. I can't say I hope this time is easy for you, as I know that isn't possible, but I hope the weekend is gentle on you. :)

[christy1010]

I also do not want to intrude on you all but wanted JennyLou to know she and her husband are in my prayers this weekend. I can't imagine the feelings and emotions you are going through. I even wonder if words are enough?

[kmmommy]

Another person coming to give {{{HUGS}}} to jennylou this weekend. My thoughts and prayers are with you through this time.

[amygrrl]

so here are a couple of the pictures kimmie took. i heart them!

http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e257/amygrrl/malin2.jpg

http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e257/amygrrl/malin.jpg

[chocolate_truffle]

Hello Ladies,

Am I too late to join you for dessert? Seven words: Ben and Jerry's Brownie Batter Ice Cream -- enough said.

jennylou -- Thinking of you and Andrew and wishing you strength and peace.

amygrrl -- Malin is absolutely gorgeous! Thanks for sharing the beautiful pictures. I'll be thinking of you in the weeks to come, and wishing you strength and peace on Avery's day.

Kimmiebride -- You do beautiful work. I'm hoping this Wednesday brings good news for you. And, we're going to have to go out to a salad bar once we're both off the rat poison.

And, a quick hello to myangelsvw, goldengbridge, Astro, LDS Angel, Sophiapb and everyone else who has been posting lately that I may have missed -- I hope you ladies are faring okay. :)

As for me, May 17th marked what should have been Sabrina's third birthday. We had our traditional picnic and cupcakes at the cemetery. What can I say, it isn't how I would prefer to spend Sabrina's birthdays, but it does feel good to honor her memory and to have a family tradition.

Between Mother's Day last Sunday and Sabrina's birthday on Wednesday, I've been in a bit of a foul mood for the past week. My mom and my best friend called on both days to say they were thinking of me and Sabrina. Three years later, it still means so much to have people thinking of us on these particularly difficult days.

My MIL, as usual, has been doing a lot to add to my mood of late. Get ready for a rant.

Background info: On the first anniversary of Sabrina's birth and death, my MIL emailed us because she wanted to add a flower cup to Sabrina's grave. She didn't email us to offer her support, she emailed us because she wanted to alter our child's grave. We thanked her for the gesture, but declined the offer because we like Sabrina's grave the way it is. Her response, "Well, I think it would look better with a flower cup, but I'll honor your wishes. I guess it's a good thing I consulted you before I went ahead and did anything." WTF?

Last year and this year, she didn't even acknowledge Sabrina's birthday. In fact, when we saw her at the end of April, she started a conversation about all the family birthdays that were coming up in May, and it didn't even occur to her how insensitive she was being.

But of course, this would be the year my MIL decides to acknowledge my motherhood, since Brynna was born last August. She sent me a card and wrote something to the effect of, "I hope you enjoy being a mother and that your child brings you as much joy as my children have brought me." I'm sure she thought she was being thoughtful, but it really stung -- especially since my mom and my best friend have been wishing me a happy mother's day for the past three years and they make a point of acknowledging my children, not just my child.

Of course, what do I expect from a woman who told me about her three miscarriages at the luggage carousel at John Wayne Airport while we were waiting for my SIL's lab rats to arrive (yes, my SIL flew her lab rats from TX to CA to do some bizarre research experiment while she was getting her Ph.D. in Biomedical Engineering, and MIL, DH, and I had to pick them up at the airport, but that's another story). How's that for idle chitchat and awkward situations? Whatever.

So, between Mother's Day and Sabrina's birthday and my MIL being socially retarded and a freak show in general (see my posts in the MIL thread in ES for further detail), it's been a hell of a week. ;)

[LDS Angel 19]

Amy she's an absolute doll! I love all that hair.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Malin is just absolutely beautiful, congrats!!

Jenny - I have been thinking of you this weekend, hope the weekend was not too terribly hard on you. Hugs!!!!!!

Me - I am at the half way point. Tomorrow is another u/s hopefully peanut shows the goods this time. Weekend was crazy busy. Saturday attended the funeral of a family friend, her son accidently shot himself in the head (didn't realize there was a bullet left in the gun), he was only 30 and has a 9 yr old son who he adored. Than Sunday we were suppose to do pics for a couple from church but their daughter (1 month old) got sick Friday night and ended up in the hospital until Sunday afternoon. She has a cold but was getting antibiotics by IV for 2 days while in the hospital, just in case. She is much better now and home once again.

[myangelsvw]

Jenny - Just wanted to send you some hugs today, too. I know it's a sadder anniversary than Saturday, and I wanted you to know neither was forgotten.

CT - I'm glad you had your cupcakes for Sabrina's birthday. I think that's such a good idea that I may steal it! Do you mind? As for your MIL, well, I'm sorry she isn't more sensitive. It's positively mind-boggling that someone so close to you and the loss of Sabrina could say such hurtful things. Bad, MIL! No ice cream for her!

amy - Awwww. What a beautiful little girl. You must be thrilled at how those shots came out.

Ericka - Good luck tomorrow. Hope the babe is more cooperative.

As for me, I'm anticipating a crappy week due to the expected arrival of AF and her pal, Fluctuating Hormones. Joy. On the upside, once she arrives, I only have one cycle left until our FET.

[Kimmiebride]

Thanks for the compliments on the photos I did of Malin and her lovely family(!)... isn't she just gorgeous with all that hair?! So fun, and I am glad Amy shared them with you guys too! My two favorite photography subjects are weddings and babies! I love my job... can ya tell?

Hugs to Jenny and family. We're thinking of you, your DH and your little ladybug and how much Andrew means to all of you.

*****
Ok, so lots of interesting symptoms that are causing me to be quite anxious to see what Wednesday brings. I have great temps, a dip at 6DPO, belly bloat, a bit of nausea, oh please oh please let it be a BFP and let the baby be strong and healthy, arrive on time and grow up with us here on earth... Not too much to ask for is it? AF you are not welcome in this house. Of course you guys will be of the first to know either way. Praying for a rainbow miracle! I had forgotten how stressful the 2WW was...
Kimmie

[LDS Angel 19]

Kimmie good luck with the 2ww!

Something popped into my head this morning, and I figured I'd ask you girls about it. Anyone doing/buying anything for your DH for Father's Day? I can imagine they might feel similar to how we all did about Mother's Day, but I'd really like to do SOMETHING.
It's awfully hard for us, last year Father's day was the day before her funeral and this year it's the day after her 1st birthday.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hubby didn't get me a card for Mommy's Day. He did say Happy Mom's Day though. I may get him a card since he is a dad, not just to Rebekah and this baby, but also to his son Ryan.

[goldengbridge]

Kimmie- Good luck! Oh, I'm so excited for you. Heres hoping for a BFP!

Hello to everyone else. I'll have to catch up later. I've got a headache and need to lay down while DS is napping!

[myangelsvw]

Kimmie - Good luck today! We're all rooting hard for you!

Michelle - I don't know that I'll get DH a card for Father's Day - I'm not a big card person. ;) But I will do something. There's a restaurant that I know he'd really like to try, so I'll probably take him there. Although probably not on the official Sunday because there will be raw fish involved and the fish market isn't open on Sunday.

[Kimmiebride]

I am getting nervous... my temps are way higher than they ever usually are post O, and my chart is triphasic... I POAS yesterday and today, and BFN of course, but I am only 10ish DPO, so it's probably too early for those digital ones. When I got my BFP last August, it was about 12 DPO, and my beta that day was 178.

Thanks for all the good luck wishes and prayers. I am not sure how long it will take to get the results, and the test is just a serum pregnancy test, not a beta, so I hope that is accurate at this stage of the game. I wish she'd just ordered the beta instead, but oh well... Guys, I am all butterflies over here. I know my body so well, and I really feel pregnant, and am scared to trust myself if it's a BFN. I guess in a way I am lucky I am on these weird drugs and can get a blood test this early... OK, I am going to the lab now. Fingers crossed!!!!! Praying for our rainbow miracle!!!
Kimmie

PS... on the Father's Day thing, not sure if DH would like a card, but if I get a bfp, then maybe I will sign one from me, Robert, and our new baby bean. I think that would make him happy. I know he will be thinking of Robert, and that he knows he's his daddy forever, even though we don't have him here.

[sophiapb]

Omigosh, Kimmie, I'm getting goosebumps for you!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Kimmie - I hope you get great news.

[Sully130]

Kimmie - I'm wishing the very best for you!

Jenny - Sorry I haven't made it in here to post, but you've been in my thoughts several times over the past week. I hope you are doing well.

Amy - Malin is a beautiful girl! Thanks for sharing pics of her.

[Astro]

Kimmie we got all our crossables crossed for you over here. :)

[Kimmiebride]

Well, the blood test was a bfn. I am so confused now, as my body is practically screaming at me that it's pregnant. I don't think blood tests are ever wrong, so it must be some sort of weird (cruel?) joke, or I tested too soon. but it was approximately 10DPO, so who knows. AF is due on Sunday. I hope she doesn't show, and that it was just too early yesterday. That's why I wish it was a quantitative test rather than a qualitative one. Then we could tell if there was any hcg in there to indicate something. I am surprisingly ok, and not crushed. Went for a walk to get a coffee and a muffin, and have been working away ever since. Good to keep distracted!
Kimmie

PS thanks for all your encouragement cheerleaders!!!!

[sophiapb]

Okay, Kimmie, I'm still holding out hope until AF shows up. IMO, 10 DPO is pretty early even for a blood test so we'll see what Sunday brings (or, hopefully, doesn't!).

[Ericka_Jarett]

Kimmie - I hope it was just too early.

[myangelsvw]

Kimmie - Get yourself back into that office tomorrow for a beta! Tell them to stop with the messing around and give you the good stuff.

As for me, AF is basically here. Which is good because it means we only have one cycle left before the FET. But it also pisses me off. I guess that deep down I was kind of hoping that I'd be one of the lucky ones who suddenly wouldn't need IVF anymore. And of course I'm not. Of course I'm not.

[goldengbridge]

Kimmie-Still holding out hope!

Myangelsv- Glad you've only got one more cycle left till things can get going for you.

Hello to everyone else. I hope everyone else is doing well.

Ericka- Did you ever find out the sex of your little one?

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hi Jen,

Nope we still have a mystery baby. Tech didn't even really try this week. I have another u/s in 2 weeks to check my cervix again ( I was slightly shorter this time from last still in normal range though, they want to make sure it's stays in the normal range and closed) and than again 2 weeks later for the same thing. This last u/s I was in pain after, the tech was giggling my stomach (mind you I am overweight without pregnancy) so it was making me blah with all the moving. The baby was close to the uterus wall and on it's stomach. So hopefully next u/s I can say the sex.

[myangelsvw]

Question. What do you all do when you have a bad day? The last couple of days have been really hard between the arrival of AF and the fact that this week marked the time when William and Vincent would have been full term. Oh, and my therapist is out of town. Poor timing, that. But back to the bigger question. I feel so alone on my bad days. I don't want to bug DH at work and all my friends have such busy lives. I don't want to be a burden. And I don't know what I'd say even if they did have time. Even the pets don't help since our cats don't do that comfort-the-human thing that pets supposedly do. So I just end up sobbing by myself which seems awful pitiful. Am I the only one who mismanages the bad days so badly?

And to think that earlier this week, I was thinking that it had been a while since I'd had a really bad day. Jinxed myself, I guess.

[Astro]

myangelsvw When I'm having a bad day, I end up here and ask for hugs. I feel nobody understands like this thread. Some days just really really really stink. And that doesn't even come close. I will admit those days do become fewer and farther between them. I think it's normal to be more emotional around when your sons would have been due. I got that way in February. I usually send my DH an e-mail/warning saying I'm having a bad day so need some extra attention/care tonight. I let him know he doesn't need to drop everything right now and come home, but I need him when work is over. I'll send you some hugs for support and some icecream with bailey's (the drink too!). Eventhough you don't have people in your city that are currently available to lean on, you got us. :) We're open 24/7 and always here for you. I know it's not the same, but it's all I got.

[LDS Angel 19]

bad days Well, i don't really have any good tips. Bad days for me are just that, bad. The most improtant thing, I think (mostly because my therapist has told me so, and we all know this already...) is to just let myself cry and feel however I'm going to feel. Don't try to fight it. Don't ignore it becuase it may never go away. I pray, I cry, I yell, and hash it out with myself in my LJ. That helps a lot. And like Astro, I really lean on DH, and take comfort in having all of you girls here too.

[myangelsvw]

astro - And as you know, the whole "around when they would have been due" thing just drags out for twins. First there's full term for twins, then full term for a singleton, then induction date for twins, then 40-week due date. It's out of control. Consequently, I think I may need to forego the ice cream this weekend in favor of the hard stuff. AF's here, so I'm thinkin' mojitos! Who's with me? Hmmm. Maybe it's me who's the bad influence. Must apologize to sophia for maligning her good name.

Michelle - Yeah, I suppose that would be why they're called "bad", huh? And I know the whole experience-your-feelings thing probably makes sense, but don't you kind of wish that every once in a while you could take a short cut? Would be nice, wouldn't it.

Kimmie - You hanging in there? Did you make them give you a beta? I'm hoping for good news from you soon!

Hope everyone has a nice Memorial Day weekend.

[Astro]

hmmm... I think it's time for another party. I believe a few of us have had a rough month or are a bit bummed and could use some chearing up. There's probably others that have nothing planned for the holiday and could use a good party. How about we drop in on myangelsvw's house and have a party. :)

I'll bring the http://www.my-present.com/img/little/bottle/9004.jpg

and some http://www.webtechdesign.com/chocology/images/coverchoc.jpg

and a very silly movie. http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00005RYLX.01._AA240_SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

Anyone want to join me in the party at myangelsvw's house?

[Kimmiebride]

Hi everyone,
Still no AF, but yesterday's EPT digital said NOT PREGNANT so hmmm. Not sure what to think. If AF is not here by Tuesday, I'll make em give me a beta for sure! Count me in for the party!!
kimmie

[sophiapb]

Must apologize to sophia for maligning her good name.

I've got a good name here? It's not Pudding Butt or the Bra-burning one, is it? ;)

I'm up for the party but since I'm at home with dial-up, it would take me forever to post the nachos I want to bring so I'll join you in spirit. :p

Kimmie, still holding out hope for ya!

myangelsvw-I sent you a PM.

[myangelsvw]

Kimmie - You're killing us here! Come give us some good news.

I'm still waiting for the party to show up. I've still got a big batch of these waiting for any takers.
http://a1412.g.akamai.net/7/1412/243/0080/image1.styleinamerica.com/wsecimgs/images/products/200621/0024/img35m.jpg
Oh, yeah.