Support for a late term loss/stillbirth/infant loss - TTC or not, all are welcome

[kellyann1972]

Kimmie, I remember that feeling as well. it was soo hard to see my friends have their babies after we lost Connor. I literally could not understand why God took my child. But I guess there is no way to understand. I know we all wish our PG buddies the best but its hard when you want YOUR baby. I am glad your mom came for the holidays.

Sully hurray for your good news.

Nothing to report here. Had our 13 week nuchal fold test and all is fine. Its the time of the PG when a woman should relax etc but for me I dread the last trimester. I wish I oculd just enjoy it but I cant. We still havent discussed names etc. I dont think we will til 28 weeks or so at the least

Happy 2006 and may be all have a great year, finding comfort in one another and hopefully all of us one day having healthy and happy babies.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hi ladies,

I am back from my FL trip, it was great, more info on that is in my journal.

The conference leaders were asking how I was doing over lunch on the first day. Things went ok until a visiting Pastor's wife heard what happened and gave her condolences and I started to get teary. She said at the conference that she saw us and thought we looked so sad and she didn't know why. When she heard about losing Rebekah she knew. Than that night her husband was speaking and he came up to us as we were waiting for prayer and he apologized for talking about kids during lunch that day, he had just been told about our loss. He prayed for us and I cried yet again. We got a cute ornament for the tree with Rebekah's name on it. It is Minnie in a pink ballerina outfit. We got Rebekah's first name and birth date on it. Will see about getting a pic of it and posting it for all of you to see later.

Here is to healthy, beautiful babies in 2006. I myself am onto yet another new cycle, so praying hard.

[Astro]

Kimmie Sorry to hear your New Year's was a bust. I think a lot of us can relate to many of the feelings you're going through regarding your neighbor, pregnancy, etc. I've been lurking over on the 35 and IVF board and getting a bit depressed. There's been a lot of BFPs going on on both boards, and although I am happy for them, I am also sad it's not you or me. Sending you hugs.

update on me...I was so excited last month to start my shots for IVF this month. Went in to the Drs on Friday for a check before starting stims, and got put on hold. For some reason my Ovaries decided to grow cysts. In the past two years of infertility, they have never ever grown cysts. Now, it looks like we won't be able to do IVF this month. That means I won't be pregnant when our boys were due. I managed to drive home before bursting into tears in my DH arms. I thought I was doing ok on this rollercoaster, but Friday was one of those dips. Like Kimmie said, some days are good, and some days aren't. My DH and I are back in the holding pattern with no idea what's going to happen this month, next month, etc. My control freak self isn't liking that, but I'm learning to accept it.

Hope everyone has a good year.

[Kimmiebride]

Astro, sending you hugs too... so sorry about the cysts. I feel like my body has betrayed me, and I bet you're feeling similar thoughts. I am glad we have our little sanctuary here, and hope we will all be pregnant again as soon as it's possible. Control??? I know what you mean - I am so used to getting what I want usually. The quest for a child has been the biggest exception in my life. It's weird - usually those who work hard and live well are rewarded, right?

Ericka, welcome back!! Glad to hear you had a good time in Disney! My brother and his wife gave us an angel ornament which is beautiful, and my mom gave us a crystal one of an angel reading a book. Family traditions are important, especially when a part of your family has been taken away too soon.

Kellyann, great news on the nuchal results. I know what you mean... our innocence is lost when it comes to not worrying. We're all pulling for you!
Kimmie

[sophiapb]

Yup, seemed like the holidays did a number on all of us. Christmas day, I was talking with SIL about cesaereans and told her how when the twins were born, Alexa came out easily because she was low but the doctors really had to push on my stomach to get Alexander since he was up so high. SIL says "And he was dead, right?" :rolleyes: Um, yes he was but why did you have to say it like that? SIL is not known for her tact.
For weeks after the birth, I couldn't talk to people without crying so I found it easier to just send out an e-mail explaining what happened. Today, I was cleaning out my e-mail in-box and found all the condolence e-mails that people had sent in response. Like I fool, I opened each one while here at work and bawled like an idiot. Ironically, an hour later a work associate that I hadn't spoken to since I went on maternity leave called and asked about the "babies". I replied "OursonwasstillbornbutwehaveabeautifuldaughterIcan' ttalkaboutitNewtopicplease. How are you?" I really felt like I had found some peace concerning Alexander's passing and it took a stupid comment, a phone call and some sympathetic e-mails to make it all fresh.
Astro, Kimmie, Ericka, Clzj, LDS Angel, Kellyann, Jennylou and anyone I might have missed. I wish for everyone on this thread is to be healthy and happy with strong healthy chubby babies in our arms and future babies growing in our bellies and blissfully unaware that anything negative could happen to pregnancies or newborns. That is my 2006 wish for us all.

[e&d]

Forgive me for butting in to this thread. I have been thinking about what to write to be read at the funeral for my good friend's baby, who died on New Years Eve at 7 months old.

I have posted my draft in this thread: http://www.constantchatter.com/showthread.php?t=13403

Thank you in advance to any of you who don't mind sharing your experience and wisdom.

Sophia: What an idiotic SIL. I'm so sorry she made such an insensitive comment to you.

[Ericka_Jarett]

No need to apologize for butting in, all are welcome here and it's very nice of you to want to askfor help in what to say or do during your friend's tragic loss. I am sorry to hear of their loss.

I had many people come up to me and say, I don't know what to say and that sort of thing. This week was trying for me as we were at a conference and the one person speaking during lunch was mentioning children that evening during the conference he came and apologized and offered his condolences as he didn't know we suffered an infant loss.

I copied poems from on-line for Rebekah's baby book. I think my greatest thoughts are of my daughter. I can sit for hours and talk about her and the whole birth even. Sure I probably will end up crying in there somewhere but it feels good to include her in my conversations. She existed even if it was only for 6 months and me getting to hold her for many hours after her passing. Make sure to let your friend talk anytime about her daughter and what she meant to them. I saw the picture of Anya and she is beautiful. Even though your friend's (I assume, never got to bring her home) only have hospital memories of their little girl, they I am sure have some happy moments with her. Let them talk all about her.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Sully - I am praying all went well with your appt.

[Astro]

Hi everyone, not sure if I should post this here or somewhere else, but here is where I feel most comfortable after losing our boys in September. The reason I'm posting is there is a very very slim chance we might be able to save this cycle and try to conceive again, if not we have to wait 3 more months. May I please have some prayers and crossed fingers that this Friday my estrogen level is down below 50. It's currently at 67. If it's not below 50 on Friday, our attempt at IVF will be cancelled and I was told we'd have to wait until April. I'm hoping we can try this month. Then we'd be pregnant when our boys were supposed to be born.

Thanks

[Kimmiebride]

Dear Astro,
I am praying for you!! Oh, I hope you can try this month! How can you get estrogen levels to go down fast... Thinking of you, and wishing for the best!!!
hugs,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Astro - here's to hoping and praying that your estrogen is under 50 by Friday and you can save this cycle! What a bummer (an understatement) that you'd have to wait until April otherwise.

Sully - How are you?

kimmie - I'm sorry you have continued to have clotting problems. Hopefully, they will get those under control soon.

As for us, we had a nice trip to Hawaii. It was relaxing and nice and WARM! Unfortunately, it took us over a day longer to get home because there were some engine problems on our flight leaving Hawaii on Monday night and it ended up being cancelled. Then, both DH and I got sick on the nine hour flight home. I didn't feel bad yet, so I assumed mine was morning sickness and really, who wouldn't puke when the guy next to you (my hubby) was? Unfortunately, it only got worse and I can't even drink clear fluids without them coming back up. It's also turned into a combination of other gastro issues. Bad, just bad. Oh, and I have a fever. I'm pretty sure that when I call the dr today with the news of the fever, plus the fact that I've been unable to keep anything down since Tuesday at lunch that I'll be having to go for a bag or two of an IV. The bad part about that is that my veins don't like IVs. At all. I had to have one with Andrew and they blew three veins before getting one. During labor it took them three times to get a good vein. Of course, I know I need some hydration and nutrients for our little one. We got home yesterday afternoon and I ran for an u/s. I wasn't feeling too horrible yet, so I didn't mention it to the nurse (there wasn't a doc in the office). Anyways, the u/s went well and this little bug is measuring right where it should be by ovulation, which is a few earlier than the LMP EDD. Of course, it's not more than a week, so they don't change it.

Like many of you, the changing of the New Year was hard. I was pretty tired, so DH and I opted to stay in the room while my sis and her DH went down to the beach to watch the fireworks. Midnight struck and I started bawling. So many emotions. 2005 was so bittersweet. Our time with Andrew while pregnant and the two days we spent with him after he was born was the sweet part. Then it was bad, very bad. I'm thankful that we were able to end the year on a better note, being pregnant, although it's hard not to think that we wouldn't even be pregnant again so soon if Andrew was here.

Anyways, sorry to babble so much! My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I hope to see some more BFPs from those of you trying really soon. :) I know the wait sucks.

[LDS Angel 19]

jenny Glad to see you made it back safe and sound, feel better soon!

Astro I'll be praying that things will work out for you guys!


As for me, not a whole lot going on. CD 9 today, so getting ready for the BD fest. Not exactly excited though, DH and I have been fighting the past few days, over sex of all things...:rolleyes: But I'm sure we'll work it out eventually.

[sophiapb]

Hey Astro, I had a little chat with God. Let's see what happens tomorrow. :)

[Kimmiebride]

Jenny, welcome back! I hope you are feeling better and that you get in to get the fluids and stuff you need for the bug! Sorry new year's was a bust for you too. You have a great attitude, and you WILL have a wonderful year this time!

LDS, sorry about the fighting... all this stuff is so hard on a relationship, isn't it? We're here for you and cheering you on!

Sophiapb, with all of us chatting with God, Astro should be good to go!!

I am feeling a bit better today emotionally - I got an e-mail yesterday that lifted my spirits! It said not only did the wedding album I photographed and designed make the Loan Collection in the Professional Photographers of America (out of 5,000 entries) but it also made the TOP 10. This is such a huge honor, especially since this was my first time entering. They want me to come speak on a panel at the national conference in Austin on 1/23, which I wasn't going to attend since I am leaving on the 24th for Hawaii for that wedding over there. I am speechless, but so happy. I am even willing to fly in just for the presentation, and fly out the following morning to catch my flight to Hawaii. wow.
Feel good everyone, and hugs and prayers all around!
Kimmie

[Astro]

kimmiebride WOW! Congratulations! That is indeed a fantastic honor. :)

[Astro]

Thanks for your prayers, unfortunately my estrogen didn't cooperate. We're on hold for another 3 months. To say I'm frustrated is an understatement. Why won't my body behave? Why won't it do what it did prior to losing our sons?

[jennylou]

Oh, Astro, I'm so sorry. :(

[Kimmiebride]

Oh no... Astro. So sorry! I keep asking myself the same thing... why can't my body just cooperate and do what it's supposed to do. I just get exhausted by 4:30 every day, no matter what I do. Being on hold just sucks big time. DH & I haven't even bd'd since mid November. I am sure they'll give us the go ahead at least for fun at our appointment on Wednesday. After 3 years of IF, and then pelvic rest and m/c, it will be interesting to see what it's like again just for the fun of it...
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Has anyone heard from sully? It seems the last time she checked in was 12/21. I hope everything is okay with her and babe!

[Ericka_Jarett]

No Jenny, haven't heard from her at all. I hope all is well too. Hopefully it's just the holidays, living at her parents and having hubby home for a little bit that is keeping her away

[Ericka_Jarett]

Just found an update on her in the April 2006 boards.

I'm terrible at SOs. I try...but I just can't keep up. I stayed up too late watching that game last night and now I'm so sleepy. I think people know when I'm trying to nap because it seems that's when the phone rings most!

Appointment update - I had my weekly u/s yesterday and the baby is doing great. My amniotic fluid level is still pretty normal and I can't be happier about that. I'm now on my eighth week of bedrest following my water breaking. I can't believe all of those weeks have already passed and I'll hit the "viability" mark of 24 weeks on Saturday!

In two weeks I'm going to start going to the doctor TWO TIMES a week until delivery! Yowzers! I will have a NST (non-stress test) twice a week, ultrasound once a week, and a blood test to monitor for infection once a week. All of this is until delivery (my due date is 4.29)! They are also planning on giving me two steroid shots (to speed up the baby's lung development in case I deliver early) starting in two weeks. Otherwise, I'm in bed all day long. It's not so bad though when you are saving your baby's life!

My DH was home from training for 10 days over Christmas and now he's gone until March 1 (at least...but you never know with the military). All in all though, life is pretty good for us. The baby is moving around tons and I love every second.

[jennylou]

Thanks ericka, that's a great update!:)

[Kimmiebride]

Appointment update - I had my weekly u/s yesterday and the baby is doing great. My amniotic fluid level is still pretty normal and I can't be happier about that. I'm now on my eighth week of bedrest following my water breaking. I can't believe all of those weeks have already passed and I'll hit the "viability" mark of 24 weeks on Saturday! :)

In two weeks I'm going to start going to the doctor TWO TIMES a week until delivery! Yowzers! I will have a NST (non-stress test) twice a week, ultrasound once a week, and a blood test to monitor for infection once a week. All of this is until delivery (my due date is 4.29)! They are also planning on giving me two steroid shots (to speed up the baby's lung development in case I deliver early) starting in two weeks. Otherwise, I'm in bed all day long. It's not so bad though when you are saving your baby's life!

My DH was home from training for 10 days over Christmas and now he's gone until March 1 (at least...but you never know with the military). All in all though, life is pretty good for us. The baby is moving around tons and I love every second.

Oh, and thanks to those of you who reassured me on the childbirth and other related classes issue. I imagine I'll start doing a LOT of reading here soon and try to come up with some sort of birth plan. I guess maybe I should have two (one if I go early, one if not). Have a great day everyone!

Here's the latest (1/5) from Sully in the April thread! I still torture myself by lurking there...
Kimmie

[Sully130]

Hi ladies. I'm so sorry I haven't been by in a while. I've followed along when I can, and I thought I had updated after my appointment with the maternal fetal medicine specialist on the 22nd. I guess not! Of course that was the night my DH came into town and then I spent as much time as I could with him until he left last Monday. Then this past week was crazy with dr's appointments and getting back to "normal."

Things for me seem to be going really well. Thanks Ericka & Kimmie for posting my update. Kimmie, I know what it's like to keep following along in a thread like that. I still read the August 2005 Mommies page from time to time!

If things had gone according to protocol, I would be taking up residency in the hospital right now. But the MFM doctor thought my levels were so great (basically everything appears normal on its face) that she said I should stay home on bedrest unless anything worsens. Plus, they are not going to induce me at 32 weeks if all stays as it is. I think the furthest they will let me go though is 37 weeks...which is fine with me. I'll be ready to get back on my feet after more than 20 weeks in bed!

I was so glad to see 2005 go. Even my current pregnancy has been full of anxiety and I just was ready to move on. When I think of all of the sadness I endured in 2005 it is almost too much to bear. You know? I'm just thankful I made it through it.

Kimmie - Congratulations on your wonderful honor! I hope you enjoy that trip and then your trip to Hawaii! Wish I could stow away in your suitcase!

Jenny - I'm so glad to hear you had a good time in Hawaii. So sorry about the illness on the way home. That sounds dreadful!

Astro - I am just so sorry. I know it's frustrating and it's so hard. There are so many things I will just never understand.

``````````

I'm sorry I'm not better at SOs! I think of you guys often and I do read and follow along when I can. I hope that the year 2006 brings much happiness to all of us. Lord knows we deserve it.

[RobynScott]

Ladies,

I hope it's ok if I post here. I am so sorry for all of your losses. I knew that this thread existed and I just saw a heartbreaking post on the Nest that is related to this board. I hope it is ok that I mentioned this board to the person on the Nest.

On the Babies on the Brain Board, a poster who herself lost a child at 31 weeks posted about a friend of hers that just delivered her second still born child. I cannot imagine the heartbreak. If any of you are on the Nest, the post is here: http://talk.thenest.com/talk/talk_post.html?folder=CNEST11&Object=1136770373058288

Again, I hope it is ok that I mentioned this thread. I knew it existed from the Family Planning Groups forum and I thought maybe they could use your support.

Hope I have not intruded here - good luck to all!

[sophiapb]

Oh Robyn, that's terrible. Losing a child once is awful enough but to have it happen twice is incomprehensible to me. Thanks for posting the thread on the website. We'll be here for her if she chooses to visit.

[sophiapb]

I'm hopping back in here because I just caught myself in the Mothers of Multiples thread and I thought of Kimmie and Sully admitting to checking out the April and August thread.

I still read the August 2005 Mommies page from time to time!


Why do we do that? Whenever I visit the Mothers of Mulitples thread, it just makes me sad and I never feel better when I'm in there so why do I do it? :confused:

Sully-So thrilled for you. You've got a lot of people praying and rooting for you here so when your little guy is finally born healthy and strong, we all might take a little credit. ;)

Astro-I was really hoping to hear that you were back on the babymaking cycle. I'm sorry.

[Ericka_Jarett]

sophia - I am the same way. I still visit the August 2005 thread, but have recently been staying out as much as possible. I'm trying to keep my focus on what I want to have happen (another pregnancy shortly), instead of what should have been. Hard to believe that it's almost 9 months already since losing Rebekah.

We just got the family newsletter and Rebekah was added to it under the fallen leaves. Jarett's Aunt must have submitted it for us. We had to make a square for his grandmother's 90th birthday quilt back in November. I was touched to see her name listed. Than I just checked out the family website and my BIL added back in June, Rebekah's information and my journal entry which now is Rebekah's own website. Glad to see that she is getting acknowledged by at least some family.

[LDS Angel 19]

I'm right there with you girls. I'm still subscribed to the Oct 05 Moms thread and probably read it at least once a day. I don't know why I do a lot of the things I do though.

[Kimmiebride]

Ericka that's so sweet that they remembered Rebekah as a fallen leaf. I am going to send in Robert's info to our family tree keeper - I want him to be on there too!

I am doing a little better today. Had my postpartum check up, and we talked about what happened, and our plan to try for another baby. Reading Robert's autopsy report was tough, but it was bittersweet to find out that he was normal in every way but his club feet. They are calling the reason for demise as placental/amniotic hemmorage because his lungs were filled with blood. The best news was that the doctor said we can try in March, and when we get the BFP, we will immediately switch off the coumadin onto Lovenox for blood thinning, which is safe during pregnancy. March feels like just around the corner, so I am feeling very happy and hopeful. I think I just o'd this month. I hope my body is getting back into shape, and will give us a perfect egg, and a perfect placenta with no clots this time! I don't think we'll tell anyone that we're trying again. That way we can go for the first trimester before we tell anyone but family, and hopefully have a boring, uneventful full term pregnancy, and a healthy squirmy baby.

I just feel like there's hope again - not sure why, but 3 months makes such a difference - I didn't want to wait 6 month to try since I am already 40, especially if it takes us some time to get pregnant again.
Kimmie

[Astro]

KimmieBride CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so excited for you and your husband to try again with a plan. :D Hey, maybe we can be IVF cycle buddies. :)

[Kimmiebride]

Thanks Astro!! I would love it if we got to be pregnant together!!!!!
hugs,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Aw, kimmie - wonderful news about waiting until March instead of June!

I still occassionally read the May 05 thread too. It's hard sometimes, because I think, well that's what Andrew should be doing. Other times it's not as hard to read. I will say, when everything was very fresh, I couldn't go into that thread without leaving in tears.

sully - I'm so glad that you are hanging on! Making it past 24 weeks is a huge milestone. I'm also glad that you are able to be home. When is your next u/s?

As for me, I had my first official OB appt yesterday. It went very well. My OB did another u/s (even though I just had one last week!) and said she'd do whatever she could to help make me feel better about this pregnancy. She said I could have u/s every appointment if I wanted. She also said to feel call if I'm nervous for any reason. Even though our issues weren't related to a problem with the pregnancy, I'm glad she's being so kind!

[jennylou]

Two posts in a row from me, but I came here, since I knew you ladies would understand.

I had to make my first venture to BRU today, and then to a baby shower. I opted out of the last baby shower I was invited to in October, because I just couldn't do it. I sent a card and a cash gift.

This time, it was for SIL, so I had to go. BRU was rough. Everything was sloppy and not very well arranged, so it was frustrating. The registry items weren't marked where they were so I had to spend a lot of time searching. Then they were out of a bunch of stuff. A few times I thought I was going to have to leave. Finally, I made it through it.

Then, I went to the baby shower. I teared up in a number of spots, but managed to hold it together.

I guess the moral of the story is that first trip (at the very least!) to BRU is a tough one, so are baby showers.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jenny,

I actually did that same trip about 2-3 months ago. It got to after I heard a baby non-stop crying after about 10 mins in the store, I left.

[Kimmiebride]

Jennylou, sending you a hug! Sorry it was so tough...
Kimmie

[clzj]

I haven't been to any baby showers or such. I do get the baby coupons and such but I pass them on at work.

Did anyone have a problem getting the baby weight off? I am struggling to get motivated to lose the weight. I want the weight gone before we start trying to have another.

[amygrrl]

26w6d today

at the nst, everything looked great... EXCEPT the doppler reading for the blood flow through the cord was a little high. this means that there may be a little less blood getting to malin. this may be the sign of a potential problem (like clotting in the cord) or it may be positional (like she was pushing on the cord or laying on it or something). i'm totally freaked. luckily we see dr. druzin this afternoon. my mom does radiology and u/s so i called her and she said yes it's high but not to panic. especially since the nurse didn't re-do the test. she said to ask for dr druzin to repeat it 3 times on 3 different sections of the cord 5 minutes apart each. from what i've read about it, there's a possiblity i might be put on bed rest if there is a problem as they want as much blood flow as possible to go to the baby and not to be diverted to my muscles if i'm doing anything physical.

i'll check in this evening and hopefully have better news.

[Astro]

amygrrl Good luck. I hope everything goes well.

[Kimmiebride]

Vibes and prayers sent! Good luck Amy!
Kimmie

[LDS Angel 19]

Praying for you, Amy. Please let us know how things go.
~~~~~~~~~~~

7 months today, since my daughter became an angel. For some reason, this has been one of the harder milestones. It has been raining non-stop here, so that sure does not help my mood.

[amygrrl]

thanks everyone!!!! your prayers and good vibes worked.

malin is fine. the nurse, however, needs a bop on the head. dr. druzin said that yes the number was slightly high FOR A BABY OF 32 WEEKS GESTATION... seeing as how malin is only 27 weeks, she is well within normal. no additional tests or anything required.

yeah!

[Kimmiebride]

Whew!! Great news Amy!

LDS Angel, sending you big hugs on the 7th monthiversary of losing your little Allison. Thinking of you and hoping your strength comes back. Take good care sweetie!
Kimmie

[Ericka_Jarett]

That's great Amy.

Today is 9 months since I had Rebekah, how time flies!

[LDS Angel 19]

Amy- So glad to here things are ok!
Kimmie, thanks for the hugs, I needed it.
Ericka, time does fly. I hope you're doing alright today.


Well, the rain here has turned to snow, but I am feeling a tiny bit better today. I thank God every day for my wonderful supportive DH, he has been amazing. Now if only I could figure out what my body was doing and our TTC efforts would pay off...

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hi ladies,

Thread sure is quiet, anything going on with anyone?

Sully - Hope your u/s are coming out good

Amy - hope all is ok with you as well.

[jennylou]

Andrew would have been eight months old on Friday. And today, it's been 8 months since he's been gone. It's the first time one of his monthversaries have fallen on the exact days that they fell in May, so I was sort of dreading them all week.

I hope everyone is okay, it has been quiet around here.

Any news from Sully?

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jenny - found an update for Sully as of the 17th:

25w3d
Hi all. Just got back from my weekly appointment not too long ago. Thank goodness I passed the GTT (with a 113; the dr was surpised it was so normal in spite of my constant bedrest...since I can't burn calories). I did want to add to the conversation about directions for the GTT. I asked my dr. before I went if I needed to fast and she said that was misinformation and the labs frequently (wrongly) send patients home for eating. She said the American College of OBs and something or another published a report saying it wasn't necessary. That said, I was careful not to eat anything too sugary before I went (including juice).

[LDS Angel 19]

Not much going on here... I'm about 10 DPO....I'll probably start testing tomorrow.

(Check out Alli's feet in my avatar.... :) It just dawned on me the other day that I even had the footprints, and so I scanned them in... It's nice to be able to show her off in a little way.)

[jennylou]

Michelle - Hope you get your BFP! And I love seeing little Allie's feet. :)

Thanks ericka for the update on sully.

[amygrrl]

LDS Angel 19 - love the footprints! we have avery's on our mantle on the fireplace

Ericka_Jarett - glad to hear you passed the GTT. GD is no fun! i hate the insulin shots!

jennylou - sorry this is a difficult time for you. i also hope all your morning sickness will soon subside.

Kimmiebride - i hope you are hanging in there!

~~~~~~~~~~
27wk6d
i'm happy to be right around the 28 wk mark, but i'm still very freaked out and probably will be until we have a happy healthy baby in our arms. we went to avery's tree at the park yesterday after church and i felt so bad we hadn't been there in a few weeks. we used to go almost every day to that spot. even before it was planted but we knew where it was going we'd walk there at night and i'd stand and look at the stars and think about our little girl.

things are coming together with the nursery though i'm still wondering if we aren't just setting ourselves up for something horrible. only 8 weeks until we do an amnio and see if we can deliver malin. i can't wait. i hope these next few weeks fly by or i might go crazy.

[Astro]

LDS Angel 19 I like Allie's footprints. very cute. :D

[Ericka_Jarett]

Amy - That wasn't me with the GTT, that was Sully. :)

[LDS Angel 19]

My temp took a nose dive this morning so I may not be testing after all. I have no idea what is going on with my body, I hate TTC. Ugh.

Found out today my best friend is pregnant. I'm happy for her, I really am. But I guess I was not supposed to find out. So I'm a little hurt that she would keep it from me, even though I know she had good intentions. But I still want to support her and all. *sigh*

[jennylou]

Gosh, Michelle. That's rough. I wish people didn't try to keep pregnancies from us. :( Did I tell ya'll about Sean's cousins wife? (get all that?). Anyways, on Thanksgiving I found out she was due in December. Um, wow.:eek: It's always nicer, IMO, to hear it sooner, rather than later. I found out about SIL the day she found out (right after telling her parents and the ILs) and I'm glad. Another cousin asked me if I heard a few days later? WTF? Should I have not heard?

Anyways, I'm sorry she was hiding it from you. I hope you are able to fully support her.

[LDS Angel 19]

Yeah. It's just another reminder that I'm not normal anymore. People feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. I hate that.
I don't really think she did it intentionally, and I'm sure we'll still be friends.

[Sully130]

Unfortunately I only have a minute, but I did want to update before I forgot! I will come back later for more replies. Here is copied from my post to the April moms thread:

Hi ladies. I had my weekly appointment (ultrasound) today and started my NSTs (non stress tests). Both went well and baby passed both with flying colors. It's amazing to see how much he is growing. As the dr. commented today, he is really starting to look like a baby! My fluid levels are still "normal" and everything else looks great. Placenta is finally exactly where it should be.

I did find out today that my dr. is NOT inclined to induce me around 37 weeks as I had hoped. She wants me to make it to 39 weeks if the baby will go that far, but she said she would consider taking me off bedrest at 36 weeks (though my activity will be EXTREMELY limited) as long as the baby is not breech. So I guess I have 10 weeks of bedrest down, and possibly 10-13 to go. I can't believe I might have been on bedrest for 23 weeks by the time the baby comes. Wowzers.

Everything else is going well. I picked out the paint color for the nursery last week and hopefully my family will paint it for me soon. My DH is still away for military training, but looks like if all goes well he will finish on Feb. 27 and then have a two-day drive home. Fingers crossed!

~~~~~~~~

LDS - Love the footprints. I have a similar avatar with Hannah's on LJ and it's such a sweet reminder of our precious little girls, isn't it?

I'll be back tomorrow...

[jennylou]

sully - glad to hear all is well. Do you at least have a lap top in bed? I'd go nuts without being able to be online at my will!

michelle - ugh, sorry about the temp drop, I just caught that now. I hope it was just a fluke and it's much higher today.

[LDS Angel 19]

Sad to say, my temp dropped again. Ugh! I mentioned to DH this morning that I might not have O'd yet so we should start BDing again and he was less than excited...

[sophiapb]

I'm sorry LDS. I was hoping it was going to be your month but sending positive vibes for February! I love, love, LOVE your avatar.

I would like to send a huge

CONGRATS

to Ericka_Jarrett. :D I hope I'm not stealing Ericka's thunder but I'm so excited for her!

DH and I are going to officially start TTC in March. Not that we're avoiding it right now but we're not all out doing everything we can, ya know what I mean? ;) I think there are a few of us starting again in March so hopefully this thread will be filled with lots of wonderful news come April.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hi Sophia,

Thanks so much for the Congrats.

As many of you know from other threads you are on, I got 2 BFP's yesterday and another today, will get my blood results in a few hours as well. My due date is around the 4th of October. We are so thrilled.

[jennylou]

sophia - wow, March will be here before you know it, I mean tomorrow is February after all. :) Good luck to you!

ericka - I congratulated you elsewhere, but I'll say it here too: CONGRATS! :)

Michelle - I hope you get your BFP very, very soon.

[Kimmiebride]

Ericka!!!!! So happy for you!

Sophia, I am with you in March... hoping for a BFP before Robert's due date. It's a little tricky as I am travelling a bit these days... but hopefully it will work out!

Michelle, more hugs... I hate that we're looked upon as "different" or fragile when it comes to stuff like this. What am I saying? it's all hard, this stuff...

DH & I got back from our Hawaii trip this morning. It was really nice and relaxing (even though AF ruined a good portion of it for me...) I kept saying it's one more AF toward the next baby... I hope we get lucky as soon as we can. The wedding was spectacular, and we enjoyed all the sights - had a helicopter ride the last day... amazing!
Tired from redeye flight. more later!
Kimmie

[Astro]

deleting duplicate post. :)

[Astro]

ericka congratulations
kimmiebride March is almost here :)

quick updates. we're going to try again in the end of February. We hope to do IVF with an ER (egg retrieval) for February 20th. I just hope my body cooperates on this one.

I have a funny story I thought I'd share with you ladies, no one else would appreciate it. A friend of ours called us last week. She lives in a different state. We'd told her we lost our boys back in September, but never described them to her. Well, she apparently had a dream about them. She described them very well. One looked like my DH, one looked like me, and they both had frickin huge feet (thanks to DH). She said they were talking with her and said to tell my DH and I that we're having triplets next time. Hmmm... Both my DH and I had the same reaction.... Those TROUBLEMAKERS! They were rascals in the womb, and apparently continue to be now. :) Needless to say, we told her they were just teasing and if she talks to them again tell them that wasn't funny. :D (of course DH and I are still laughing about it) We even gave them a talking to when we visited them this weekend.

[Kimmiebride]

Those TROUBLEMAKERS! They were rascals in the womb, and apparently continue to be now.

Astro, I just love this!! That's really sweet and funny! I think it's so great to remember our little guys (and girls) the way we do here. I agree that some people might just think we're off our nut, but it's so nice to think of our children and be happy instead of just sad all the time! I'll be thinking of you on Feb 20 for sure! good luck and I hope those rascals send down some special baby dust for you!

I met with the hematologist yesterday, and it was very informative. She doesn't seem to think that I am at a huge risk for more clotting, and that I am responding well to my treatment. She said the very same thing as the peri... if we get pregnant right away, we will immediately switch meds, and if we don't get pregnant until June or after, then I will be off the coumadin while we a trying, which is also a good thing. I will get lots of extra care next time. I hope it doesn't take too long... Good luck to everyone!
Kimmie

[LDS Angel 19]

One year ago today, I found out I was pregnant. It feels like it was a lifetime ago.

Not much going on with me, just chugging along, on CD 7. Might go out and get some OPK's for this cycle.

What a cute story, Astro. :)

How are all our preggos doing? Ericka, Sully, Jenny, Amy? Hope everything is going well.

Thinking of all of our angels playing in the snow together.... http://smilies.vidahost.com/contrib/fk/frostyangel.gif

[jennylou]

Michelle - thinking of you today. I remember the anniversary of my BFP with Andrew too - so many anniversaries we have to get through. You can order OPKs online, I got mine from www.saveontests.com - 50 tests for less than $20. That's a lot of peeing!

As for me, things are going well being pregnant. I'm puking less this go around, but I have heartburn! I didn't really have this much with Andrew - I just puked all the time. It's crazy how two pregnancies can be so different - not that I'm complaining about not puking as much. :)

Hope everyone is well.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hi Michelle,

Thanks for the thoughts on us. Hope your day goes easy. My anniversary of getting the BFP with Rebekah is coming up as well.

I am doing well, had my annual yesterday and the doctor talked a little about pregnancy and all the overkill she is planning on doing with me this time, she wants to make sure we have a healthy baby in the end. I'm 5 weeks 3 days today. She said I literally caught the BFP as soon as I possibly could, since my betas on DPO12 were - 166, DPO14- 311, DPO19- 2,539 and DPO21- not sure yet. I'm on progesterone supplements since on DPO14 - my level was low and DPO19- I was at 17, she wants it at 20 as of yesterday's draw.

[Kimmiebride]

Michelle, I hope you're hanging in there! I turned 40 last August on the 7th, and then 5 days later I got my BFP. We had been trying for over 3 years, and it made turning 40 a breeze because I was a "young" 40 and pregnant. Last weekend my DH turned 41. It hit him kinda hard, and it made me think about my 40th year, and how I really had hoped to spend the majority of it pregnant. I hope that can still be true once we try again. I would guess that some of these anniversaries would be a *little* easier if another little one was on the way to give us hope. I am now imagining our angels in the snow, and spirit versions of ourselves sitting on a park bench together, sipping hot cocoa and watching them play together...

My neighbor is pregnant and acts really negative, at least around me. I keep trying to tell her that just because I lost Robert, and just because she had an early loss before her daughter was born 2.5 years ago, it doesn't mean that this baby won't be fine. In fact, the odds are in her favor. I don't think she likes it much that I am such a "Pollyanna" always trying to look for the good in things. We are trying to walk together at least a couple times a week so I can lose the weight I gained in Hawaii, and she can keep her gain to a healthy rate. I feel like this is a good habit to get into, even if she's negative, because I think hanging out with me might make her feel a little better. For some reason, that makes ME feel better.

Ericka & Jenny, so good to hear from you both! Keep chugging along, and know that we are all thinking of you often!

[LDS Angel 19]

Jenny- Thanks for that link! I think I'm going to order some.

Ericka- It's really good to hear your Dr. will be keeping a close eye on you.

Kimmie- I know what you mean. And you've reminded me that I've been taking my young age for granted a little bit.
This

I am now imagining our angels in the snow, and spirit versions of ourselves sitting on a park bench together, sipping hot cocoa and watching them play together...

is a beautiful image. I think we would all have such a good time. I wish with all my heart that our angels were with us instead, but it's a comfort to know that we have eachother.


I'm actually doing well so far today. Work is keeping me distracted.

[myangelsvw]

I don't even know where to begin. I used to post over at the WC and know this community has good support threads, so here I am. I lost twin boys a week ago today. An infection developed in my uterus and I went into pre-term labor at 20w5d. The babies were perfect in every way and it kills me to feel like I let them down. I miss them so much and I miss all my hopes and dreams for their future and mine. Everyone says it will get better. But right now, I just can't stop crying. I'm sad and angry and afraid and just want my babies back.

Quick question. How did you all choose to bury your children? We haven't made a decision on this and I don't want to do something we'll regret later. We're leaning towards letting the hospital bury them and then setting up our own private memorial. That way, they'd be buried with other babies and wouldn't be all by themselves somewhere. On the other hand, I hate the thought of them being so far away from me. I've thought about cremation, but I just don't know.

[Bubbas]

myangelsvw - I am so sorry about your boys!! It is the hardest thing in the world to go through. Unfortunately, this is something you never get over but, in time, you will get through it. I promise!!

As for the burial, I had my son at 18w4d, and I decided to bury him in a cemetary that has a baby section. This is the same cemetary that his cousin is in as well. We had a complete funeral for him with family and some close friends. I am glad I did it this way because now we can go visit him and when my DS gets a little older, we will take him and explain that he has a brother. Also, we had chosen not to name our first son. That is a decision I now regret but at the time it felt right. I wish I had someone to explain to me that naming him would be a good idea, but I didn't. It is something you might want to think about.

Again, I am sorry!!

[LDS Angel 19]

I often don't do well trying to reply to this thread at work but we'll see....

myangelsvw I am so so sorry. I can relate to a lot of the things you're saying. It WILL get better, but I know how that might sound right now. If you want to cry, cry! Do whatever you need for yourself. Don't let anyone else tell you how to feel or how to act.

We buried our daughter in the children's section of a large cemetary near us. She's in a beautiful spot, surrounded by other angelbabies.. We also had a service at the funeral home and a short burial service at the cemetary. It was what was right for us. You need to do what feels right for you.

My prayers are with you. If there is anything at all that any of us can do, please ask. We're here for you in any way we can.

[Ericka_Jarett]

myangelsvw- I'm sorry to hear of your loss. It's never easy to loss a baby, let alone 2. Cry when you feel like it, be angry when you need to. As far as burial do what will help you heal. (I know that's hard to think of right now) You will never forget your little boys, they will be with you always, the pain does ease as time passes, but hold on to the memories you have. I will be praying for peace for you and your husband, it's the hardest thing to ever have to go through. God's peace to you.

I loss my daughter to a placenta infection at 24 weeks and 1 day back in April of 2005. She was perfect in every way as well, except for this infection that caused her passing. We lost her on Monday night and we had a funeral for her on Saturday. It was just what we needed for our own closure, whether we had no one show or a lot of people (we were blessed that 42 people showed up for her funeral, for a baby no one ever got to see but my mom, Pastor, church friend and my best friend). She is buried in the same cemetary that my dad is in, she is only down the path from him, buried in a section with about 6-7 other infants, we have the option of moving her to our family plot one day if we want. We did name our daughter, it was a name I had since I had conceived her, so when the hospital asked us her name, we could proudly say it was Rebekah Joy.

[Kimmiebride]

myangelsvw, I am so sorry for the loss of your sons. It is a heartbreaking experience that never will go away, but like Bubbas says, it will get easier to cope with over time, and you will come through it.

I had our son, Robert, at 18w3d on November 24, 2005 (Thanksgiving Day), and we did let the hospital take care of him - I think I remember from the hospital forms that they cremated him after his autopsy - that part is kind of a blur, and for now, I don't wish any more information, though I can get it if I need it sometime down the road. So far I don't regret that, though I might like to have a place to visit him, I feel like his spirit is with me whenever I think of him, and that is enough for me right now. The hospital staff was amazing, and kept asking me if I wanted to see him (I didn't hold him, but I have his pictures - this is something that is so individual in everyone's experience) and they talked about how important it was to give him his name, and not save it for another child. It was hard since he is named after DH's father, and we did not tell them we went ahead and named him. It might be too painful for DH's dad to hear as he was also devastated when we lost the baby.

It's so hard to think after something like this happens, and decisions like burial and funeral arrangements usually have to be made quickly, though you can always choose to have a memorial service later. Please let us know what you decide, and keep in touch with how you are feeling. I find this group of women are the most important support I have... we are always posting things that others might not understand, but we get it immediately. It's very helpful to have a place to remember and talk about our children so our dreams and hopes for them are not ever completely lost to us!

Take care of yourself, and know we are thinking of you in this dark time.
Kimmie

[jennylou]

myangelsvw - I hope you find the support that you are looking for her. We've all been through something horrible and I hate that anyone else has to experience this, but I'm so thankful for this group of ladies.

I don't know that it gets better. Life will never be the same. You will forever miss your babies. But, does getting through days get easier - yes. So, if by the days getting a bit easier to get through they mean better - then yes. But if they mean that in a few weeks everything will be better and you'll be just happy as clams - well then, they're full of malarky. Nine months out and there are still days that I am a mess - that I don't want to leave the house or do anything but think about my baby. But, are those days fewer than they were - absolutely.

We have Andrew buried at a cemetary. He is buried next to his Great Grandmother and my husbands cousin (would that make him his second cousin?). The cousin's parents will be burried next to their son and there is still one more plot in the mix. It's all on a first come, first serve for that last plot and no one is racing for it. We can also bury someone below Andrew (they lift out his casket and place the adult below the baby casket). He's surrounded by family. The mother of the cousin regularly visits the cemetary, so Andrew has visitors too, which makes me glad that I'm not the only one checking on him.

[sophiapb]

myangelsvw-We had our son Alexander John cremated by a private funeral home and we brought the ashes home with us. We planted a lilac bush next to our deck and sprinkled some of his ashes in with the soil as we planted. I am hoping that as DH and I sit out on the deck in the nice weather with Alexander's sister, we'll all be together again as a family. If we move, we have every intention of digging up the bush and bringing it with us wherever we go. The remainder of the ashes we have in a heart shaped box that we keep with his hospital blanket, hat, photo, death certificate, footprints and some locks of his hair. I haven't been able to look at any of it since we brought it all home from the hospital but I am glad that I have everything for when I am strong enough to see it again. Aww geez, I'm crying as I type this.
I remember being numb at the hospital as they asked me what I wanted to do with his body. What you say? I was given no time to think and answered in utter grief and despair. I answered "I don't care. Whatever. Do a burial." I felt like he wasn't there anymore and his body was just a shell. In my grief, I seriously didn't care. Thank God DH started asking more questions and woke me up to the fact that I would have never been satisfied if I had just passed his burial on to someone else. We did with Alexander what I want to do with my own body once I have passed away so I felt very comfortable with the decision. I guess that's the important thing. Do what you makes you comfortable.
I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. We have someone else on this thread who lost her twin sons in the second trimester and I'm sure she will be here shortly. In the meantime, this thread is amazing for help and support and just a safe place to come to if the grief becomes overwhelming.
Please PM me if I can do anything for you.

[clzj]

We did not name our angel. I do not even know if it was a boy or a girl. If I had know what it was I probably would have named the baby. We had the baby cremated and the urn is just gorguis. The urn is currently at my mom's because we did not know where to have the baby burried. At that point we also did not want the urn in our house. The urn is with everything from the hospital. The baby was blessed. My DH and I did not even go for the blessing. I did not hold the baby or see it. I just could not handle it. As time goes on it will get better. When we have another child I do not know if we will use the names that we had picked out for the one we lost.

You are in my prayers.

[sophiapb]

myangelsvw-Here are some other support websites if you are interested. I had posted these a few months ago on this thread and you might find them helpful.


This is the website for SHARE, the organization that sponsors my monthly group. It's a very good website for anyone dealing with the loss of a pregnancy or infant.

http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/index.shtml



This is the webgroup that was recommended to me by the other twinmother last night. I have yet to check it out thoroughly.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/eLIMBO/


And this is a website I found on the SHARE website that deals with the loss of multiples.

http://www.climb-support.org/

[Astro]

myangelsvw I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Most people will tell you things (like things will get better, you can have more kids, etc.) that really hurt, but try to remember they aren't saying them to hurt you. People don't usually know what to do or say at a time like this. My DH and I lost our twin boys in the beginning of December, and I'm just now starting to wake up from all of it. I know that sounds weird, but it takes a while to mourn the loss. I recently read a study on mid-term and late-term loss done by the local university hospital that it takes around 3 months to mourn. I think it's true.

When our boys were born, we didn't know what to do either. All we knew was we wanted to do what WE thought was right for us and for them. They were and always will be a part of our family, so to us it was important to bury/cremate them. We had them cremated and during that time (1 week from birth to when their remains were available) looked for a place for them to rest. We thought of a cemetary, but it felt cold and depressing. Our boys were rascals, we got to know their personalities through all the ultrasounds. We contacted our church to ask our priest to do a simple service for them for only my DH and I. We needed to say goodbye to them that way. The church told us they also had a wall where we could place the ashes. We liked that idea. The boys are at the church we attend, where we got married. There's also a school attached to the church, so there are always kids running around and laughing. The wall is in a beautiful park setting right outside the church.

Don't worry about crying or being sad and angry. A good friend of mine who also lost her daughter at 23 weeks said to cry when you need to. She said she'd go into the bathroom at work when she needed a cry (even up to 3 months later) and just have a good cry. She said when she tried to hold it in, it was much worse. You'll be going through lots of extreme emotions the next few weeks/months. Hold on, come here when you need to vent or need support. My Dr told me it's like a severe injury. Right now your in the raw and bleeding stage. Eventually it'll start to get a little better, but it'll be a scab. It'll get caught on odd things and bleed a little again (you'll start crying for some reason), but eventually it'll get better. It won't disappear, you'll have a scar, but it won't hurt as much.

[Sully130]

myangelsvw I'm so sorry about the loss of your precious boys. It is a heartbreaking experience and after going through it, none of us will ever be the same. Does it get better? I'm with jenny, I'm not sure that it ever does get better, but I believe it gets easier. It gets easier to make it through the moments, the hours, the days, the months. I will never be the same person I was before I lost my daughter, but I'm at a much better place emotionally now than I was last April when she died.

Grief is a process, a long process. And you just have to get through it however you find that you can. It's a strange thing too. It will sneak up on you when you least expect it.

I remember this feeling (like you said): it kills me to feel like I let them down
I think that's a normal reaction for us as mothers. We feel like it is our duty, our purpose, to protect our children from harm. And it's almost inconceivable that there are things from which we cannot (no one can) protect our children. You did not let down your sons. You gave them everything you had, but for some reason, it just wasn't enough. They were lucky to have you.

As for burial, we lost our daughter at 23 weeks due to an extremely rare genetic disorder. In all the trauma of it all, I initially agreed to let the hospital handle the cremation. Then I felt terrible about it the day I came home from the hospital. We arranged to have a private funeral home pick up her body and have her cremated. My DH and I could not handle having a funeral. We could not handle burying a body. And, for us, we didn't want to bury her somewhere that we may not ever be buried also. Also, both of us believe strongly (for us) that once the life left her, the body was just a vessel. Neither of us has really ever felt the need to go to a cemetary to "visit" our lost loved ones. I feel her all around me. Our priest had baptized her shortly after her birth (she was stillborn). So my DH and I (we are Episcopalians) took our prayer book and Bible to the ocean/beach where we met and had a private service of our own. Then I scattered her ashes into the water. We keep the beautiful (and tiny) pewter urn in the box with her other things (a dress she wore, her footprints, etc).

It's good that you are taking the time to consider your options. It's important that you do whatever is right for you. We also named our daughter and I think that helps tremendously with dealing with the loss.

I wish you all the best. I know it's very hard right now. May you find peace.

[Bubbas]

My Dr told me it's like a severe injury. Right now your in the raw and bleeding stage. Eventually it'll start to get a little better, but it'll be a scab. It'll get caught on odd things and bleed a little again (you'll start crying for some reason), but eventually it'll get better. It won't disappear, you'll have a scar, but it won't hurt as much.

This is a great analogy!!

[myangelsvw]

Thanks everyone. Your responses really helped me think through what I want. First off, we did get to name our boys -- Vincent and William -- and I really appreciate your wanting to know their names. Second, I wish we had family in the area because burying them with family sounds like an option we'd like. But without that, I'm really leaning toward cremation so that if we ever move in the future we'd never have to leave them behind. And someday, when we get a family plot, we can bury them with us. DH doesn't like the idea of an urn on display, which is ok with me. We're planning on putting together a memory box, so maybe we can have a space for the ashes in the box.

I think I'm finding that mornings are the hardest part of my day. Waking up and realizing yet again that they're gone is just so very painful. It's strange, because I used to find evenings much harder than mornings. But now, I'm just numb by the time evening roles around.

***************
Bubbas - Thanks for sharing your experience about naming. We didn't even talk about names until we hit 20 weeks. Even though it feels like a cruel joke that we had to name our boys a week later, I'm very grateful that we were ready and able to do that.

LDS Angel 19 - Thanks so much for replying even though you were at work. I can appreciate how hard that must be. I haven't gone back yet and don't know if I will go back to my old job. I had given notice that I was leaving in now two weeks and although I know they'd let me stay, I can't imagine doing that right now.

Ericka - Your daughter's name is beautiful. Sounds like we lost our babies for a similar reason. They told me I couldn't have prevented the infection that took my boys, but I can't help feeling that maybe I could have done something differently that would have kept them safe. I don't know if that's the hardest part, but it's right up there.

Kimmie - I'm glad to hear you feel comfortable with the choices you made after you lost Robert. Even though I feel like the choices we've made so far have been right for us, I'm so afraid I'll regret something. And I'm so very excited to get our pictures of William and Vincent -- should be in a week or two. DH isn't sure he wants to see the photos, but I want nothing more right now.

jenny - It's so wonderful that Andrew is surrounded by family. I wish we could do that for our boys. And I have to admit that I'm worried about the point when everyone else thinks I should be done being sad. So many people are being supportive right now and I don't know what I'll do when that starts to wind down even though my grief hasn't.

sophia - I love the idea of the lilac bush. That's beautiful. Of course, I'm a horrible gardner and I'd be just terrified of not taking good enough care of the plant, but it's such a perfect memorial. I definitely know what you mean about trying to make decisions at the hospital. I'm so very grateful that I was able to see and hold my sons, which wouldn't have happened if we'd had a D&E like we originally thought we wanted. Luckily, William and Vincent knew what their mama needed better than I did and sped things up so that they were delivered well in advance of the procedure. As for the burial, however, the hospital staff was really good about not rushing us into a decision. Which is good, as I was in no state to make that decision. And thanks for the loss of multiples info. I'll be checking that out soon.

clzj - Thanks for sharing your experience. Sounds very similar to what my husband seems to be feeling, so it's very helpful to hear. I want to support him as well as he's been supporting me, but we have different ways of dealing so I'm not always sure what to do.

astro - Three months seems like such an eternity to feel this way. And yet as much as I want to, I can't imagine not crying all the time. I hope in time I can find the strength that you seem to have.

sully - You did not let down your sons. You gave them everything you had, but for some reason, it just wasn't enough. They were lucky to have you. Thank you for this. DH keeps telling me that I was a good mother to them, but sometimes I can't help feeling that I lost them because I didn't deserve them.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thank you for the compliments on Rebekah's name. Your boys names are perfect as well. Don't blame yourself for the loss of your boys (i know that's hard), you did everything you could. With my infection the only way to treat it was delivery of Rebekah and unfortunately they knew it was going to result in the same outcome. Possibly in another week taking my life as well.

Your boys were special to you and many others. Vent whenever you need to and just take all the time you need to grieve, this is a major loss that no one should ever have to experience. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

[sophiapb]

we did get to name our boys -- Vincent and William

After I read your first post, I looked at your user name and thought "What are her angels names? Vincent and Walter? Vito and and William? Oh, Vincent and William!" :D

sometimes I can't help feeling that I lost them because I didn't deserve them

Don't ever think that! They were given to you and you are their mommy. They were here for a reason. You might not know what it is right now, but there's a reason. You were chosen to be their mommy and even though it was for a short time, it's still a gift.
Even with the pain and sadness of Alexander's loss, I never wished that i didn't have him. I loved having him every minute he was with me and am grateful that he was, and is, a part of my life. Vincent and William were gifts that you were given for 20 weeks. Yes, it was a short a time but weren't those wonderful weeks? You must have done something right to be given such joyous gifts. :)

[LDS Angel 19]

I love thier names! Perfect.

Be gentle with yourself. I totally agree with everything Sophia said. I like to think that us angel moms did everything right, and that's why our angels were so perfect that they didn't need to stay and endure this life.

[Kimmiebride]

Vincent and William were gifts that you were given for 20 weeks. Yes, it was a short a time but weren't those wonderful weeks? You must have done something right to be given such joyous gifts.


I like to think that us angel moms did everything right, and that's why our angels were so perfect that they didn't need to stay and endure this life.

Well put ladies! As hard as it is to not have them here with us physically, this is comforting once you can get to the place where you believe it's not your fault or something you did wrong. Takes some time to get there, but you will...
Kimmie

[myangelsvw]

Last night was the first night I've slept 8 hours since before the boys were born. It feels good to be rested. I feel like I might actually be able to stay busy today. Which would be good because yesterday was a hard day and this afternoon we're going to make cremation arrangements. I know we're doing the right thing for them and for us, but it hurts so much to think about. I want nothing more than to hold them again. Which reminds me. Our pictures are back, but I think I'm going to wait a couple of weeks to pick them up. It's all still so raw that I'm afraid I'll just hold their remains and stare at their pictures all day. Which wouldn't be good for me.

Other things I'm thinking about. It's so odd, but I've noticed (with a few exceptions) an inverse relationship between how close we are to our friends and how much people have reached out to us. For DH and I both, people who were in our wedding have said nothing and casual acquaintances have been incredibly generous with their time and support. Did this happen to anyone else? Maybe it's just harder on them? I can't figure it out.

****************

Ericka - My docs said the same thing about delivery being the only option if it was an infection. They let us progress naturally until my temperature started to spike, at which point they were pretty sure that was the cause (which was later verified by whatever tests they run on the placenta.) It is hard not to blame myself. I just keep thinking that the infection had to come from somewhere and that if I hadn't been there or done something, it wouldn't have happened. Maybe if they can give me more details at my postpartum check up, I'll feel better.

Sophia - That's funny that you guessed. I guess we picked good twin names. :) I do keep trying to focus on the reason they were here. Strangely enough, I think it was to give me hope. While I was pregnant with them was the first time I've been truly hopeful in years. And as hard as it is to hold onto right now, I feel like I have to try my hardest because I owe it to Vincent and William.

LDS angel - I love thier names! Perfect. Thank you. And you're right that I should be gentle with myself. I'm trying, but it's so hard. I've always been hard on myself, so it comes a little too naturally. I pray that Kimmie is right and that with time I won't feel as culpable.

[Ericka_Jarett]

I totally know what you mean. I hope you get answers that bring you comfort.

The u/s tech just the other day asked me if I knew what caused the infection and I had to say no. The doctor is not sure what caused me to get the 2 bacterias that I had that ended up in the placenta. I was watching a show this morning and the woman had chorioamnionitis (her child was just about full term though) I was sitting here yelling at the tv (stupid I know) cause the woman was not wanting a c-section but her fever continued to spike and knowing what happened with Rebekah, I was like just have it and get a healthy baby out of it, don't be stupid.

[jennylou]

I'm having a small freak out.

My sil is due to have a baby any day (she'll be induced next Friday if she doesn't have her by then).

I'm feeling very, very anxious about things.

Maybe it's because I know that things can go seriously wrong. I don't know. It's just bringing up a lot of fears that I didn't think that I had. I'm scared. There's no pregnancy milestone that will make me feel better. Since our loss happened at 2 days old, I'm freaked about having a baby on the outside. And if I'm getting this nervous now, with SIL about to go into labor, how am I going to feel when I go into labor?

I hope it's okay that I share these fears here - if it's not - maybe we should create a group for pregnancy after loss? Anyways, let me know if that's the way folks would rather do it.

[sophiapb]

jenny-My SIL just had a son three weeks ago and I was semi-freaking as well. I really had to watch what I said to her because I was afraid I would scare her when really all I wanted to do was warn her. I ended up saying very little. :o As it it turned out, the baby's heartrate dropped severly while she was in labor and she was given an emergency c-section. The baby came out with the cord wrapped around his neck twice but he's strong and healthy. After what DH and I had had gone through, our entire family was FREAKING OUT during this whole ordeal. Thank God everything is okay.
I think once infant loss has touched your life, you will never deal with pregnancy and birth the same way.
I think all of your concerns are to be expected. Believe it or not, I think you might deal better with your own delivery and post-partum days than you will with your SIL's since you will have a certain amount of control and decision making about what happens to your labor and where your baby will sleep, what he will eat, etc. For SIL, those decisions are up to her and her DH and might leave you feeling helpless in a situation where it's not up to you to control anyway. Does anything I'm saying make sense or am I cyber-babbling again? :rolleyes:
Finally, I like the thread the way it is right now. It's a TTC thread, a mourning thread and a pregnancy thread. There are different stages to the journey that we on this thread are taking but they all overlap at points and can be used to offer support and hope. I vote that we keep it as it is.

[LDS Angel 19]

It seems like the time is flying by.

Last night was our support group. It was the best one I've been to so far. There were less people, so all of us had plenty of time to talk. I got to talk about my crappy stuff with my mom, and some other stuff that has been on my mind that can only be understood from the perspective of a loss. I'm really glad to have the support of those ladies. (And you guys, too.)

Sending kisses to my angel, Alli, Mommy loves you and misses you every day.
~~~~


I agree with Sophia. I love our little group. We're all at diffrent places in the journey, but we can all support each other.

[Kimmiebride]

in total agreement... this group is just what I need, and I am so glad to have people at different stages to give me hope!

Jenny, hope you are doing better. I know I will be terrified when I am pregnant again. The odds are totally in our favor, but that still doesn't help the anxiety.

Michelle, 8 months. Wow. I am glad your support group is so great. I hope you're doing ok today, and that you feel a little whisper and know that Alli is sending her mommy kisses too!

I am a mess today. I must be PMSing like mad... I was a raving b!tch the past couple of days and now everything makes me cry. I got my first SHARE newsletter in the mail, and it was very poignant. Right now I am procrastinating about going to the post office to mail some stuff for clients. I hate going to the post office, and have put it off for a whole week now. I MUST go... just let me finish this, and then get sidetracked into some other stuff, and then...
hugs to you all,
Kimmie

[myangelsvw]

jenny - I agree, too, that it makes sense not to have separate threads. I can see how it might be hard if everyone else was pregnant, but as it is right now is fine. I hope everything is well with your SIL and her baby.

ericka - I thought of you and your tv show yesterday. DH and I went to see Tristram Shandy. In hindsight, it wasn't the greatest choice. I didn't realize how much it was about his birth. (On the bright side, it wasn't sentimental at all, so I made it through the movie.) Anyway, I did want to yell at the movie at one point. But considering there were other people in the audience, I decided against it. :p

LDS angel - Glad to hear you find your support group so useful. When did you start attending? Does your DH go too? There's one here in a few weeks, but I don't know if I'll be able to talk without breaking down.

Kimmie - Sorry to hear Saturday was not a good one. Did you get to the post office?

********************

Another question for everyone. Did you send thank you notes for all the cards you received? I was writing notes for flowers, food, etc. But then I ran across something that said I needed to write them for just cards as well. I hadn't even thought about that because I don't think I'd expect to receive a thank you for a card. But maybe I'm just uncouth. What did you all do?

[Ericka_Jarett]

We didn't write any thank you notes (maybe I should thinking back now) we had people from church bringing meals each day for a week (I thanked them as they brought them) and 1 person I did thank in a note while thanking her for helping with our VBS program, because she blessed us with some money. It was such a rollercoaster time for us, I am sure people understood. I wouldn't think to send cards to those that sent you one. Usually only for gifts, meals or flowers.

[LDS Angel 19]

myangelsvw We started going to the group in October, so almost 4 months after we lost her. We would have gone sooner if we had known about it. DH does go with me, I think he gets a lot out of it too. But most of the women there come solo. I think if you feel up to it, it may be very helpful to go. Don't worry if you break down. It's perfectly ok. Just do what you feel comfortable.

I sent out a few thank you's, but only to people who came to her service. (I think.) And I only did it because the funeral home gave us thank you cards that matched the program from the service. I don't think I even would have thought of it on my own.

[Kimmiebride]

Myangelsvw, I made special thank you cards and sent them to people who sent flowers and cards. I am a photographer, so I created them in photoshop using an image I had taken from a session. The tiny foot was just about the size of his footprint, and I thought about using his footprints on the card at first, but my husband hadn't looked at them, and I felt like it would be too painful for us to share his actual footprints. It was a therapeutic creative process thing that gave me some sense of beauty in such a tough time. I orderd the cards from the lab I use for my clients. Here's what they looked like:

http://www.millcottagebridal.com/frontw.jpg

http://www.millcottagebridal.com/backw.jpg

I am having a tough time right now... I had a lot of complications after losing Robert and have to be on blood thinners, and my numbers dropped below where they wanted them as of last Friday. I have also been having cramps in my leg where the clot was, and yesterday some shortness of breath and now a pain in my lung. I am scared to find out if I had another embolism while on the blood thinners - that would not be good. I know I need to call the doctor, but I am really panicked, not to mention the fact that I am just about to go to Florida for my mom's 65th birthday, and I really don't want to cancel the trip and go through all this again. I had to cancel my trip to see her in December, and this is the ticket I exchanged. I don't want to miss her birthday. Fear is a terrible thing.
Kimmie

[Ericka_Jarett]

Kimmie - I think the cards you made were beautiful. Sorry to hear about the issues still happening, hope things get straightened out soon.

Preg mention: Me - I am doing well, I'm 7w 1d. Had an appt yesterday and she said the u/s looked great and we were able to see the heart so she was happy to hear that. My b/p is on the high side the last 2 visits so I have to get another b/p check next Tuesday. As I was talking to her I said it's probably from being at the doctor, she understood and just wants to keep it in check, will start me on meds next week is it's too high still, just to get it stable. I have to see another doctor for another u/s and due to my high blood sugar with Rebekah. I am still on prometrium for another 5 weeks as well. My appts are going to be every 2 weeks she said instead of monthly. She really wants to keep everything in check and catch any possible issues early (praying that I won't have any issues though) All my cultures she took came back negative so that was great news. I still have to go for the total pregnancy work-up and that includes a blood sugar test, not the GTT yet, but she wants to have it checked since it was high with Rebekah. M/S has been coming and going the last week, was hit again last night with it. Other than that I am feeling good and ready for the 2nd trimester to get here (I am loving knowing about this pregnancy so early though, don't get me wrong) My doctor said that when I get into the 22-26 week range she will do all my tensing for me, she knows that it will be a tough period in there, although I think I will be ok, since I have support from my mom, husband, church family and all the ladies on here.

[sophiapb]

Kimmie,those card are beautiful. I LOVE the Dr. Seuss quote. I almost started crying when I read it.

[Astro]

Kimmie I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. I hope you're feeling better soon. Please call the Dr if you think it's best or if it'd ease your mind. I can't begin to claim I know what you're going through with the clots, but I do know you need to take care of yourself. I know you don't want to cancel your trip to visit your Mom for her birthday, but I'm sure she and your DH would appreciate it if you put your life first. (ok, off lecture box) now sending hugs. :)

[jennylou]

kimmie - those cards are beautiful.

ericka - it's great that your Dr is being so proactive. :)

- I limited cards to those who sent flowers, sent food or gave in some sort of tangible way. I did really well, but then ran out of the cards from the funeral home (all 100). I bought more but still haven't even opened them. It's been awhile now - should I still send them? Honestly, I hated writing them. I would sit and cry through each one, which would then cause me to have a bad day.

Someone posted in the pregnancy after infertility thread that [b]amygrrl has gone into preterm labor. She was at the hospital. They had given her steroids as well as some drugs to stop the contractions. When the poster posted, Amy was still in the hospital but the contractions had slowed down.

[LDS Angel 19]

Someone posted in the pregnancy after infertility thread that amygrrl has gone into preterm labor. She was at the hospital. They had given her steroids as well as some drugs to stop the contractions. When the poster posted, Amy was still in the hospital but the contractions had slowed down.

Oh NO! That is so scary. I hope everything is ok. How far along is she?

Edit: Ok I went and found that thread. So she's around 30 weeks. Still really scary though.

[myangelsvw]

amygrrl - I'm praying that your contractions stop and they're able to hold labor off for several more weeks. But mostly, I'll pray for a healthy baby, whenever she decides to come.

Kimmie - Those are great cards. (And where sophia *almost* cried? I totally did. :o ) And I agree with astro -- take care of yourself. If there is any sort of issue still going on? Being healthy will be the best birthday present you can give your mom.

jenny - Glad it's not just me that hates writing them. I'm leaning towards flowers, food, etc. only, unless my mom or MIL says that great aunt Hortense or whoever is old fashioned and expects a reply to her card, in which case I'll add her to the list.

ericka - Congratulations on hearing the heartbeat.

LDS angel - Thanks for sharing your experience with the support group. I think I'll give it a shot and if it's too raw this time, I'll try again in April. I'm curious if DH will want to go.

[LDS Angel 19]

Has anyone heard any updates on Amy?

[jennylou]

She posted an update on lj last night, Dan had brought the lap top to the hospital. She's still hanging in there right now.

[Sully130]

Oh my! I'm so sorry to hear about amygrrl and I hope they can get the baby to stay where she/he is for a while longer. I did check the April thread though and her due date is April 18. That's 11 days before mine and I will be 31 weeks on Saturday...so she is just over 32 weeks, which is good. I mean, if you have to deliver prematurely, after 32 weeks is best. I'll keep her in my thoughts.

Kimmie - I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. It is hard and you had even more than your fair share of complications. I hope life gets easier for you soon. That card is simply beautiful. I love the quote, it is so true. Take care of yourself.

Ericka - I'm glad to hear your pregnancy is going so well. And it's wonderful that your doctor is being so supportive and proactive. It makes all the difference in the world.

Jenny - I wouldn't worry about the rest of the cards if I were you. There's no need to put yourself through that. People understand that and they know you are grateful for their support during that time. I hope your pregnancy is nothing but smooth sailing. :)

[sophiapb]

Omigosh Sully, you're almost 31 weeks! I am soooooooo happy for you and your little one. For whatever reason, I was thinking about you last night and hoping that all is well. Thrilled to hear that it is. Let's celebrate with a glass of water! :D

[Kimmiebride]

Hi girls!
Sorry to be absent... I have a note from my doctor. Yep, I spent the last 4 days in the hospital. I am glad I know my body and decide to listen when it sends me messages like this. I had another clot in my other lung. This time less severe, but very worrisome as to why I would get another clot while on the anticoagulation meds??? hmmm. They put me on some serious thinners in the hospital where they could monitor me, and let me out when my levels reached their new goal. You guys are right... postponing a trip to Florida is a lot better than taking risks with my life, so I am not going. Sad, but everyone agrees it's for the best!! I guess this also throws the big ole monkey wrench into the TTC schedule. I know they will now not want me getting pregnant until they resolved this clotting mess. I am partially ok with that, since I was so very scared, and really don't want any more complications rearing their ugly heads. I have to limit the time sitting in this chair on the computer... big hugs to all of you, and thanks for your kind words. I am glad you liked the cards too - very sweet comments!

Amygrrl!!! sending thoughts and prayers for you and Malin and your DH! We're looking forward to good news! Sully, thanks for updating us, and so glad that you are doing so well!!!!
Kimmie

[clzj]

DH and I will not be trying when we are first allowed to try because I am changing jobs starting 3/13. I am allowed to try in April. I have taken a position with the Federal Air Marshalls in Chicago as their IT person.

2006 will be better for us all.

[Astro]

Kimmiebride I'm so glad you listened to your body. I'm sending you big hugs. Both my DH and I are keeping you and your DH in our prayers. We hope you get everything figured out soon. Take care.

[amygrrl]

hi chicas... greetings from the lovely stanford hospital. i can only do really short updates as i have limited internet and it's dialup, but i'm trying to do longer ones in my lj if anyone wants to pull that info off and paste it here that's great.

the long and short is that i'm now 32wks3d and we've gone through 2 rounds of magnesium to fight off the contractions. both worked but left fluid in my lungs. we also got 2 rounds of steroids for the baby's lungs. we are shooting to make it to at least 34 weeks, but are in a wait and see pattern now... after some scary complications with me and the meds and potential blood clots in the lungs and low oxygen. so far so good. if i don't deliver before then, they'll keep me here until about 34/35 wks. if i still haven't delivered by then, they'll send me home on bedrest to wait it out. i'm 3 cm dialated and holding with my water intact. and malin is kicking up a storm! nothing slows this little girl down!

[Kimmiebride]

Hey Amy,
I sent you a PM! Isn't dial up in the hospital a bummer? I only logged on once while I was there because it was driving me crazy!!
Hugs to all!
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Amy posted in her lj that she was released from the hospital and is on strict bed rest. At this point if labor starts they won't stop it.

It's been a rough week for me. SIL had her baby girl on Friday and I've been a bundle of emotions. It just reminded me so much of that last week I was pregnant - excited about meeting my little one. I was also very anxious to have to go to the hospital and in general just seeing a newborn. I can't say I haven't shed a few tears, but I am also very happy for the new addition to the family. It's so strange to have all these different feelings!

[sophiapb]

clzj-Congrats on the new job! Looking forward to hearing some more good news from you within the next few months.

Amy-Sending positive vibes for you and Malin. Seems that Malin seems to be enjoying the ride. Kick, baby girl, kick!

Astro-Eagerly awaiting some good news from you in the next couple of weeks. Sorry, no pressure. I'm sure you're eagerly awaiting the news too.

Kimmie-I am so sorry that you are still having clotting issues even after being on medication. It must be so frustrating for you. Maybe this is your body's way of getting the clotting out of the way so that you can move on with things.

How are you doing myangelsvw? Have you gone to any support groups yet? I found that they were very therapeutic for me and yes, I cried like there was no tomorrow. I don't think you can go these support groups and expect to be stoic. Crying is part of the healing.

Jenny-My SIL had her baby almost a month ago and I was very leery about how I would react when visiting her. When we got to the hospital room, it was like there was a party going on! There were flowers and plants, we brought in balloons, BIL was bringing in food from the deli, there were snacks and munchies everywhere and we managed to shove 10 people around her bed at one point (might I add it was a shared room and her roommate was a saint to put up with it all). SIL had her newborn son rooming with her so he was there the whole time. It was a wonderful joyous celebration and it was everything that we didn't have.
Our hospital experience was awful. Alexander was dead, Alexa had been whisked to the NICU with a high blood acidity level and fluid in her lungs, I was vomiting from the drugs, crying constantly, in pain from the C-section and in general disbelief at what had happened. We never activated our hospital phone because we didn't want anyone calling, we didn't want any visitors but finally allowed DH's parent's and siblings to come with strict orders not to mention Alexander since I became hysterical whenever his name was mentioned, Alexa was in the NICU with sensors and tubes on her and I was so afraid to hold her at first for fear that I would dislodge something and an alarm would go off (which did happen a few times). What should have been one of the happiest times in our lives was filled with grief and fear.
While visiting SIL, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't more than a teensy bit jealous at what a joyous time it was for SIL and BIL but I would never wish that they didn't have it. I am honestly so thrilled for them and their gorgeous son and really had a good time at the hospital once I got over my initial misgivings.
Jenny, it won't be easy at first but I think you'll do okay. :) Take a deep breath and walk in with a smile.

[jennylou]

sophia - wow, you are so right about the differences in hospital experiences. Ours started out good. Andrew was born via c/s on Friday at 8:23 pm. mil and bil came up to visit (even though visiting hours were technically over). Then on Saturday, sil made a surprise visit (she flew in from CA without telling anyone - not the one who just had the baby). Five more people came up that day. Everyone said they were giving me time to heal from my c/s - and ended up not being able to see Andrew alive. Sunday morning there were probably a good 50 people in and out to see us. It was such a rough time - many, many tears were shed. It's just not how it's supposed to be. It should be like it was this weekend, a happy time. SIL is very supportive and knows that it's been tough on me. She's always quick to give my hand a gentle squeeze or acknowledging that it's rough. Which is nice - so many others don't even bring up Andrew anymore. Almost like he never existed. :(

I am fortunate that I am pregnant now - so I can expect a happy time (yes, I'm thinking positively!) come August (or heck, July, since I have an early August due date can't count going early out). I think it would have been much, much harder if I wasn't expecting.

Oh, sil tells me that they have staff meetings before every shift change. When she went in she told them she wanted little Allie on a monitor and started to explain why. The nurse told her that they knew exactly who they were and they'd already talked about it. Saturday we went to visit and one of my post partum nurses came to say hello to Sean and myself. She had heard we were expecting. I was confused as to how she knew, but sil asked later and her nurse said that they had talked about us earlier in the week (sil was a scheduled induction) and it came up then. Weird to think that they were talking about us.

[myangelsvw]

sophia - Thanks for checking on me. I appreciate it. The support group is later this week. I guess I'm a little nervous about crying in front of complete strangers, but it's on my calendar nonetheless.

Kimmie - So very glad you listened to your instincts on that one. Hope the docs can get this thing under control soon so that you can actually make it to Florida one of these days. :)

Jenny - Your SIL sounds like a wonderful person. I'm glad that she's been so sensitive and understanding. And congratulations on becoming an aunt.

amygrrl - You and Malin are in my thoughts. Hope everything is still going well.

clzj - Congrats on the new job.

************************

As usual, I have another question. How did you all deal with people who likened your loss to a miscarriage? I had a hard conversation with my FIL over the weekend. He said someone had told him that this happens in 1 in 5 pregnancies and that it was "bound to happen." I tried to correct him gently, but I handed the phone off to DH quickly because it was an upsetting thing to hear. I'm not sure if I should follow up or not. Part of me thinks that if believing it's common is a comfort to him, let him think that. Part of me can't stand the idea that he equates the deaths of his grandsons with a miscarriage. (For the record and any lurkers who have miscarried, I've officially had an early miscarriage as well, and even though it made me horribly sad, it really is a totally different experience.) Honestly, if this really did happen in 1 of 5 pregnancies? How could anyone stand it? The only thing that gives me hope right now is knowing that it's unlikely that it would happen again.

[Sully130]

Hi ladies. I'm doing pretty well with my pregnancy. I've been on bedrest now for 15 weeks (5 weeks to go!), but that means 15 weeks that this baby is miraculously still here and thriving. When my water broke that awful night, my chances were so slim of making it this far it is now so unreal. I'm so thankful. (I'll be 32 weeks on Saturday!)

My brother and SIL are expecting their first child any day now. It's been a little hard for me. I'm glad I'm pregnant, as I know it would be much harder if I wasn't...but still. Sunday night my parents and I were talking to my brother on speakerphone. They were talking about the impending arrival of the little one and both of my parents simultaneously said something about, "It's our first grandchild, of course we want you to call us..." My heart sank. It's not their first grandchild. It's just not. Luckily they both quickly corrected themselves and said, "Well, our second grandchild..." I just said a quick "thank you" and left it alone. My parents lost a child, my sister, when she was 13 days old. Sometimes I think that makes them incapable of saying insensitive things like that around me...but then again, I guess they are human. Still, it hurt. I told my best friend about it and I got the feeling she didn't understand why that upset me so much at all. I knew all of you would. Ugh...it just sucks when these kind of reminders smack us in the face, doesn't it?

Amy - I'm so glad you are out of the hospital. I know bedrest isn't fun, but in a way, it's so empowering to me to be able to have such a hand in my child's survival. I actually feel like I am doing something more important than anything I will ever do in my life. From that perspective, it's fabulous. :) I hope Malin will stay there for a bit longer.

jenny - It is strange to have all of these different feelings, I can definitely relate to that. Sounds like you are handling it all really well. And I'm glad that your pregnancy continues to move along smoothly.

Sophia - Sounds like you handled your SIL's pregnancy/delivery very well, all things considered. I know exactly what you mean about completely different birth experiences. The worst moment in my life to this point was the moment my daughter entered the world and I knew she was already gone. A moment that should be filled with tears of happiness was instead filled with tears of complete sadness and devastation. I can't even imagine what I will feel like to actually hear my baby cry. I know I will appreciate it more than most people do.

myangelsvw - I'm glad to see you checking in. I hated it when people did that. And like you, I also had an early miscarriage with a previous pregnancy. So what I would say is, "Yes, miscarriages are terrible, that happened to me also, but losing my child was so much worse." -- or something to that effect. That way I was letting them know that I wasn't belittling the experience of a miscarriage, but from personal experience, I knew that the two "events" were quite different.

Some doctors say miscarriages happen way more often than statistics even show because sometimes they are SO early, a woman never even knows she is pregnant. Pregnancy and childbirth are truly such miracles. There are so many things that must be perfect. It's really amazing.

[myangelsvw]

I have to go pick up the boys' ashes today, and I'm a total mess. I can't stop crying. I keep wondering where grief stops and postpartum depression starts. Sometimes I feel like nothing will ever be good again. And while I'm complaining, let's add some superficial complaints in, too....I'm still bleeding a little, I'm tired, I have no clothes that fit me, and instead of losing weight, I appear to be gaining despite eating decently and going to the gym 6 days out of the last 9 days. It's all just awful beyond words.

Sully - I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling that way. Thanks. I actually tried saying something similar with my FIL, but I don't think it sunk in. I guess I'll play it by ear regarding whether to say anything else. Glad to hear you're almost to 32 weeks. That's amazingly great.

[Astro]

myangelsvw just sending hugs. I know today is going to be very difficult picking up your boys' ashes. I know I broke down in the parking lot and while driving home after picking up our boys' ashes. I kept thinking this wasn't supposed to happen. They were supposed to be alive, healthy, and sitting in carseats. What you're going through is similar to what most of us have as well. It stinks when clothes don't fit and the weight keeps climbing. It'll take your body a while to realize what happened. You're right, it is awful beyond words. Hold on, it won't always be that horrible. Looking back, that time, and for a month or so afterwards, was horrible beyond words. The next month was a little better, then the next one was a little better. Your body will eventually get back on track and your emotions will be less like a rollercoaster, but it takes time. Please try to be patient with yourself and give yourself time. Sending oodles of hugs your way today as it might be very difficult today.

[jennylou]

myangelsvw - Sending you strength today. You're right, it isn't fair. The big thing for me that was just awful - my milk came in. And ouch, did my boobies hurt. As people hugged me at the funeral home each one was a very painful reminder. They were hard as rocks. And then, I leaked - up until the time that I started clomid again (7 weeks pp). Apparently clomid dries up your breast milk - who knew? But the still blubbery belly, yeah, all that sucked. I mean, I shouldn't have cared, because I should have had a newborn. Instead, I just had a very noticable injury (c/section for me), boobs that hurt like hades, and a blubbery belly - such injustices. Things do start to get better (more normal?), but it all happens slowly.

I know that there are a few of us approaching one year marks since we lost our babies (and at least one who has past that point), what did you do for that time? I want to do something special. I just can't decide what would be appropriate. Someone told me that they have a birthday cake every year for the child they lost (stillbirth).

[sophiapb]

Aw geez myangelsvw, that's one of the worst parts. When we picked up Alexander's ashed, I sobbed the whole way from the funeral home, through NYC, through the Holland Tunnel, all through Jersey, it was awful.
I don't know if this will help you but seeing the ashes did give me some closure. Up until that point, I kept thinking "It's a mistake! Maybe Alexander's heart will start beating again. Maybe the doctors will realize that they were wrong. Maybe it's all a bad dream!". This was the week after Alexander died, not like it was hours or even a few days later so you can see I was being totally irrational. Seeing the ashes let me realize that he was really gone. As awful as it was, I think that's when the healing began. I was able to face the cruel fact that he was gone and start to move forward.
I am so, so sorry you have to go through this. I'm sending strength and support vibes your way as well as prayers for you and your DH.

[Kimmiebride]

myangelsvw, we are all thinking of you today. I wish you some peace in this hardest of times... Please take care, and know that there are angels everywhere - lean on them, and lean on us!!
hugs,
Kimmie

[LDS Angel 19]

I got my wisdom teeth out this morning, so I'm a little out of it right now(vicodin is my friend...). I just wanted to check in.

Our one-year is getting closer too. It scares me. Right now I am planning on having all of our family that is local get together and go over to the cemetary and plant new flowers. No one else has even seen her marker yet. Then we'd go out for a nice dinner somewhere for a 'party' of sorts. I don't know for sure yet though if that's what we'll do.

Back to bed for me! Hope everyone is doing alright.

[sophiapb]

All right, members and lurkers of this thread, I'm throwing out the challenge to everyone to sponsor a little sumfin' sumfin' to LDSAngel's March of Dimes Walk. In memory of my angel Alexander, I'm digging deep into the ole pocketbook. Hey LDS, if you can read this through your Vicodin induced haze, raise your goal amount for the March of Dimes Walk. My check is in the mail along with my husband's company's matching form. :D

[LDS Angel 19]

sophiapb Oh my gosh!! I got an automated email about your donation, and I was like.......who is this?!??!?! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

I can't think quite clearly right now, part from the vicodin and part from my surprise... but I am so thankful. I was thinking about mentioning the Walk in this thread, but I stuck the link in my sig and didn't get a chance to say anything else... gosh, anyway, thank you again!!

[Kimmiebride]

What a great idea!!! Donation made! I called DH and he thought it was a wonderful way to remember Robert.

Good luck, and hope the vicodin haze wears off... I have been on them too for my lung pain, and I tell ya, I have to wait many hours before I can drive myself to the lab for blood tests every other day. The good news is that the hematologist thinks that although I now have to wait 6 more months to TTC, that if we get these levels regulated I shouldn't clot any more, but will be treated with extreme care when pregnant again. Let's hope!
Kimmie

[sophiapb]

Oh Kimmie, the hematologist gave you GREAT news! It's so wonderful to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

[ejs]

Ladies, this article was posted on a local newspaper's web site today. I have not read the whole article; I've only read the brief summary. It's written by a reporter about her stillborn son. There is a warning that it can be graphic at times.

When I lost my mom, it was helpful at times to read stories of other women who had experienced it, too. I thought I would post a link to her article here in case it might be helpful to any of you.
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/03/05/CMG7BGPSU11.DTL

I apologize if this is inappropriate of me. If it is, please let me know and I'll delete this post.

[Kimmiebride]

Wow, that's a good article. I wrote her a note, and thanked her for sharing her story, and for working on bringing awareness to my local community. Thanks for sharing it! I don't read the paper or the news on-line so I never would have seen it otherwise.
Kimmie

[LDS Angel 19]

Thanks, ejs, for the link. I just skimmed it, but it sounds like a really good article.

Kim, Thank you for the donation! I'm so thankful for the support of all of you ladies. Glad you finally got some good health news.

As for me, still in a bit of a haze. The whole teeth ordeal really messed up my sleep patterns.
FF says I O'ed though, so here comes yet another 2ww.

Hope everyone is having a nice evening.

[sophiapb]

What a wonderful article, ejs. Thank you for sharing it.

[Kimmiebride]

I am depressed. Just found out the results of another blood test they ordered and I have that MTFHR thing - compound hetero. At least that might explain why I have these clotting problems along with the other genetic thing I have. I am starting on Folic Acid, B6, & B12 tomorrow, and upping my iron since I am still anemic. Being pregnant again just seems so far away now. Sorry to be such a downer, but if I can't talk to you guys, who can I talk to...?
hugs,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

kimmie - gosh, I'm sorry you have more bad news. :(

[sophiapb]

Sending Kimmie (((((((HUGS)))))))

[Astro]

kimmie sending you tons of hugs. It truly sucks that you've had to deal with as much as you have. I hope you continue to talk to us, no matter what the news. This is one of the only places I feel safe venting or talking. I don't think anyone in my "real life" un