View Full Version : I don't know what to do...
08-30-2005, 01:06 PM
Well, this was a thread about my (ex) boyfriend having cancer. But come to find out it was all lies.
What the hell is wrong with this world? Who does that? :confused:
Anyway that's the update. Thanks anyway for the support.
08-30-2005, 01:13 PM
Oh, I wish I had answers for you, but I don't think there are any answers at this point. Just let the emotions wash over you and start to process them before you do anything.
Did he give you a reason for hiding it from you?
08-30-2005, 01:16 PM
08-30-2005, 01:19 PM
I'm sure you are hurt. Of course you are.
But I do think this is one of those situations where you need to give him a *little* slack. He probably lied because he's scared. Because saying means you REALLY DO HAVE IT. Sometimes not saying it -- not talking about it -- makes it seem like its not there. Defense mechanism #127897983749: Denial.
I'm willing to bet that he's scared as hell too. By putting a wall up around himself, he can keep all those things that he's afriad of losing away from him, so there's not that reminder.
I'm not defending him or saying its healthy. I'm just saying I don't think its completely unheard of to behave in such a manner. And I certainly don't think its a reflection on how he feels about you.
Focus on his feelings, help him come to terms withe the diagnosis. Let him have his space if he needs it. It may sting for a bit, but try and lean on someone else when it comes to your own emotional needs.
I'm sorry to hear this -- I hope he can pull through this with flying colors.
I can't imagine why he wouldn't want to tell you besides being scared. I am sorry you are going through this.
08-30-2005, 01:25 PM
I'm guessing that he didn't come out and tell you because he's terrified - which is totally and completely understandable. Try and put aside those feelings for now and concentrate on being there for him. Remember, for every emotion you are having, he's having the same ones only intensified a bit.
I'm so sorry you had such awful news. (((HUGS)))
08-30-2005, 01:36 PM
I agree with Fuzzy...
I have been going through the motions with this weird lymph node in my neck that I had biopsied.
I didn't tell anyone about it until I got the results and I knew it was fine and there was nothing wrong with me (and then I just shared it with my husband like a week after the fact). My mom has no idea anything even happened.
Actually, I told my friend at work about everything pre-biospy... probably because I knew she didn't really talk to anyone else I knew.
I just didn't want to deal with everyone worrying and asking questions on top of dealing with waiting for the results.
Of course, it's very hurtful to find that someone you love has kept something so huge from you... But I'd cut him some slack. He might have been in denial, he might have been waiting until he had some really difinitive answers about his condition so he could answer your questions right away. He might have been having trouble saying the words out loud.
I never thought I'd keep something like a possible Lymphoma diagnosis from my mom but I did. I just wasn't comfortable with the whole thing and wanted to try to confine it to as small a space in my life as I could.
The important thing is that now you know. He told you because he needs your support. He probably feels like he is walking around with a giant "C" tatooed on his forehead as more people learn of his diagnosis.
What kind of Cancer is it, Sweetie? We're all here for you.
08-30-2005, 01:38 PM
Laura PLEASE don't say anything about it in Myspace ok? He reads it and he'd probably kill me if I knew I said anything.
He just said he didn't know if he wanted to tell me or not.
OH, of course not! We'll keep it CC only (like most of my daily goings-on that I don't want Matt to read about, for the same reason!).
Just don't expect to have any answers right away, ok? Give yourself time to be angry, upset, scared shitless, whatever you need to be.
08-30-2005, 01:52 PM
Hopefully you'll be able to move past your anger and help him by being there for him. This isn't about you - just focus on him and what he needs.
08-30-2005, 02:23 PM
I'm sorry to hear about you BF. Such a scary thing to deal with.
I guess all you can do is be there for him. If he needs space for whatever reason, give it to him. He is probably dealing with some emotions that he hasn't felt before, he may not want to burden you..... who knows? Just be there for him.
And come here whenever you need to get something out! Sometimes it helps to talk (or write) about your feelings - and don't be afraid to lean on your family and friends for support!
08-30-2005, 03:24 PM
I think the others have had great advice....
I really think that he is scared, and one thing I have noticed as a characteristic of men is that they don't want us to worry about them. Sure they will milk a cold/flu for all it's worth, but when it comes to issues us girls don't know the first thing to say to a guy.
We want to worry.... It's in our genes, while guys just want to fix things. This is something that he cannot just fix, and it is hard to admit that.
He just needs time to figure out what he needs to do. Until then, instead of pressing him for answers or asking questions, just be there for him. If he doesn't want to talk about, don't. If he wants talk be an ear and a shoulder. Be what he needs, not what you think you would need. It's hard, but we don't know what he is going through. Understand that.
I hope that it is some useful advise. I just know that when my husband and I were going through trauma, it was really hard for us because we have different processes of healing. We both had to step back and realize that we were both a mess.... In the end it has brought us so much closer and taught us so many things about eachother.
08-30-2005, 03:43 PM
Hugs to you.
One thing that hasn't really been pointed out here is that his diagnosis affects you too. So it is ok to be angry, to be upset, to be freaked, etc. And yes he is the one who has to deal with the actual fight against cancer, but you are going to experience 95% of it as well. There is a thread here specifically about cancer that may be helpful to you. Also, you're going to need a great friend to get you through this. Because while you have to be strong for him, you need someone to be strong for you.
I hope everything turns out fine.
08-30-2005, 04:26 PM
I was diagnised with cancer when I was 27 (2 years ago). I still feel weird saying it. When I found out it felt surreal. Like I was underwater listening to the dr tell me the words. It's perfectly normal for him to act that way (it's in one of my cancer pamphlets made for family), and it's perfectly normal for you to be upset that he didn't tell you sooner. But please don't tell him how upset it makes you. He is going through a whirlwind right now that you can't even imagine.
Um, can I ask how long you guys have been together? If you have discussed the future together and stuff? It might explain a little more why he thought he might not tell you at all. Cause if you're in a long term relationship I can't see how on earth he figured he would keep it from you. He might not have even really meant that he wasn't sure if he would tell you at all. He really needs your support right now. And he needs you to think positive. I found out about my cancer before DH and I were even engaged and I swear, he was my rock that got me through it. I don't know how I would've coped without him. Feel free to PM me if you like.
08-30-2005, 04:30 PM
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I agree with others that the reason that he didn't tell you is likely that he was scared and that he didn't want to put you through what he's going through. Maybe he was trying to protect you (however misguided that may ultimately be). I think that although you frame it as though you're angry with him, maybe you're just really scared, too and you're really angry that he has cancer at all. It's so frustrating when someone is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, because there's no one to blame. Maybe your anger is really about the helplessness that you feel?
Like Fuzzy, I think you need to cut him some slack. Men process things differently than women. Maybe he just needed to work through it on his own to get to a place where he was really ready to confront it and deal with it. I think you have to respect that. At the same time, you can tell him that you wished he had told you sooner, because you want him to know that you're there for him and will be there for him and that from now on, you hope that he knows that.
08-30-2005, 05:35 PM
08-30-2005, 05:45 PM
No need to be sorry for being frustrated! It's totally understandable! Often times when people are scared, it turns into anger.
If it helps, keep talking! I'll definitely be here to "listen" to you. Take care of yourself.
08-30-2005, 05:49 PM
Also...I can understand that you are angry about him knowing for a month before he told you. It would probably make it worse to confront him about it at this point, but maybe the two of you will eventually be able to talk about it - once things begin to settle down.
What type of cancer is it? I agree with what others have said. I understand that you're upset he didn't tell you earlier, but try not to focus on that. Perhaps he didn't tell you because he hadn't accepted it himself; perhaps he didn't want you to worry. He was given shocking news and probably didn't even know what to think.
Have you two been together for a while? I have to admit that if I was in a new relationship, I'm not sure how much I'd share with the person I was dating.
I wish good health for your bf.
08-30-2005, 06:02 PM
I know you're frustrated, but so is he, and scared. Give him space, but let him know you're there to support and help him anyway you can. Best wishes to both of you.
08-30-2005, 06:05 PM
I know it's not about me, in no way do I mean to make it that way. It's just so hard. I mean, he's known about this for a month. He's just been lying over and over to me. That's a tough pill to swallow. I don't want to bother him, you know? I just want to know what's going on. I know little more than he has cancer and what type. I just want to know because I care.
I'm so frustrated and freaked out. I'm sorry. :(You're not making it sound like it's about you. You frustrations/fears/worries are totally valid and totally normal. It really does suck that he kept it a secret from you for so long, but I do believe that it's because if he told you then he would be forced to face the reality of it a little more than he was prepared to.
Also, and I have no idea your situation and have no idea if this would even apply to you but I'm going to throw it out there anyway, it's possible that he wasn't sure about telling you because standing by someone while they go through cancer treatment is a huge thing and requires a high level of love and commitment, perhaps he wasn't sure if you were going to be willing to stand by him through long, exhausting treatment. Again, I have no idea, please don't take it the wrong way and I'm not presuming anything about you or your relationship. I just know that to go through it together will cement your relationship alot. It's a lot for him to ask you to be there for him, which he is essentially doing when he told you about it.
08-30-2005, 06:53 PM
I completely agree with princess. Being diagnosed with cancer really messes with your mind and emotions...I know that shortly after my diagnosis, I felt tremendous guilt that my husband was "saddled" with me, that I had nothing to give him except emotional pain and suffering.
Also, not to make excuses for him, but the first weeks after a diagnosis, your head is just spinning and you can't think straight. He may have not wanted to tell *anyone* about the cancer until he felt like he had his plan (treatment, etc.) outlined and decided upon.
08-30-2005, 07:49 PM
08-30-2005, 08:06 PM
I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to find out he's been lying to you, or how hard it was for him to fess up.
I helped my DH successfully fight cancer 3 years ago, although I was in the room with him when he was told he had cancer by his doctor. Denial is a very common stage, and then when they begin the heavy duty treatments, a mourning for the 'normal' life activities they've had to give up.
I do know that as his GF at the time, watching him go through surgeries and treatments was the hardest thing I've ever done. BUT I wouldn't trade having that experience with him for the world. During that time was when we discovered how much we REALLY loved each other, how much we could endure together, and came out the other side of it knowing we were more than ready for marriage. At the same time, I can honestly say I'd rather chew my own arm off than have to stand by as he went through it all again.
Communication is the key- you need to decide together how involved you're going to be, and find out what kind of treatments he's looking at. Some cancers have small dose treatments over a long period of time, while others (like my DH's) have VERY intense dosages close together in a relatively short period of time. I may be able to help you some (as may some of the other gals here) if you share what kind of cancer he has.
*hugs* to you- I know how devestating this kind of news can be.
08-31-2005, 09:55 AM
08-31-2005, 10:03 AM
Ouch! That's a pretty brutal thing of him to do. I'm so sorry!
08-31-2005, 11:23 AM
I am so sorry girliegirl. He may be pushing you away because he is trying to protect you in some strange guys way. It hurts him to see you worry, and he may not be able to take it. I am sure he may just need a little space for right now. He is going through a lot of crap right now. He needs to figure things out for himself. Let him have his space. Hopefully he will come back.
He may also just be trying to simplify his life right now. A realtionship is tough to maintain, add cancer and maybe it is just too tough. As hard as it may be, let him decide what is best for him right now.
09-01-2005, 02:25 PM
See the first post in this thread for an update. I didn't just want to take it down with no explaination.
09-01-2005, 02:30 PM
Wow. :eek: I can't believe someone would do that. I'm so sorry for what you had to go through with this guy, but clearly you're better off without him. I hope he gets some help, because obviously he has serious emotional problems.
i am so sorry that you are going through these feelings of betrayal. if you need to talk about it, we are all here for you.
09-01-2005, 03:06 PM
Sorry about what happened, that really sucks. It sounds like he's got some serious issues. We're here for you!
09-01-2005, 03:24 PM
:eek: OMG I can't believe someone could do that!! to someone who obviously cared so much about them too. I am so sorry... please post back and let us know how you're doing. my sympathies.
I'm very sorry. I can't decide if he's got such a good prognosis or such a BAD prognosis that he thinks he can do without your love and support. Either way, bad move.
09-01-2005, 06:33 PM
Thanks, girls. I felt really bad about it but in a way I'm really relieved. I certainly don't need that in my life and I'm glad it came out now rather than later down the road. Apparently this is something he either created with his ex or because of her. I don't know but...she is not a nice person. If I acted like she did in front of a guy (or anyone for that matter) I would be mortified. So you know, if he wants crappy people in his life, I'm glad he decided not to choose me. I'm better than that. So it's frustrating and scary, but it's also okay.
I just don't understand how or why someone would make that up? It's so awful. I always made myself so available to tell the truth to. It's just crazy to me that he would play such a sick game.
Anyway, I have blocked his phone numbers and changed my email accounts. So hopefully I've eliminated any way for him to contact me in the future. I just hope he doesn't remember where I live. Fortunately I only let him come over here once.
It just saddens me that people in the world would act this way for no reason. He communicates with people who he claimed were awful to him but he does this to someone who was kind and caring? Oh well...it's not worth the thought.
09-01-2005, 07:14 PM
OMG, that's awful! ((HUGS))
09-02-2005, 10:34 AM
I wonder if he made it up so you would break up with him but when you showed you were better than that he just didn't know how to handle it. No matter what the reason, he has proven quite clearly he doesn't deserve you!
OMG!! My jaw just dropped to the ground.
First let me say I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
This is so unexcusable. I have one thing to say about people who do this type of thing.....Karma.
You sound like you're hanging in there. We're here if you need to talk!
09-02-2005, 03:14 PM
I wonder if he made it up so you would break up with him but when you showed you were better than that he just didn't know how to handle it.
You know, I sort of wondered the same thing as well. Because about a week ago he came out with a confession about some other "issues" he has and I was really understanding about them. Then he drops the cancer bomb but still (thinking I'm doing the right thing) I agree to stand by him. Maybe he thought I'd get freaked and run off but instead I stepped up.
Now that I'm looking on it from an outside view, I think he wanted to get back with his ex (which btw I told him to do if that's what he felt was right, yet he insisted no...). And he's either too crazy or too cowardly (or both) to just say hey, it's not working out.
Really, I'm glad it turned out this way. I don't need someone that sick and twisted in my life. Better for me to find out now rather than a year down the road or (God forbid) me be married to the loon. Thanks for all of the support and well wishes. This has all just been weird beyond belief. There are some seriously demented people in this world. I felt really bad about it at first, you know? Sad, hurt, mad, foolish...I guess all the things people feel when they find out they've been living in a lie. Oh well, everything works for the best.
09-02-2005, 11:09 PM
Wow, I am so impressed by your attitude! I think it's awesome that you are able to see him for the whacked out loser that he is, and not let that negativity reflect on you. You're my hero! :D
09-03-2005, 12:12 AM
Wow, I am so impressed by your attitude! I think it's awesome that you are able to see him for the whacked out loser that he is, and not let that negativity reflect on you. You're my hero!
Oh my gosh, thanks so much for the compliment. Sometimes I don't feel so tough so it means a lot to me that you'd say that.
I can't believe I'm admitting this, but it gets weirder. I know of this message board that he frequents so I (out of extreme boredom and morbid curiosity) checked it out. He's been lying about me for WEEKS on this message board. Instead of calling me his girlfriend he totally acted like he hardly ever saw me AND he told them we had SEX which didn't quite happen. Ugh! What a freak. It's just lie after lie after lie. He also admitted on there that he's been seeing his ex, no shock. I am SO intensely glad that I am rid of this creep.
I am seriously removing myself from the dating scene for awhile. It's so scary out there.
But I have learned a very important lesson: if you have a feeling like something is wrong, it probably is. I've always been one to trust my instincts but I just disregarded them this time. I'm very sorry I did that. I had some doubts about him telling me the truth that I ignored. So my advice from all of this is PLEASE TRUST YOURSELF.
You know what's bothering me though? I used to take my cat with me when I'd stay over at his place. I'm just sick at the thought that he could have flipped out like this when she was there. Who knows what he would have done to her. I feel like a horrible cat mama. That's making me feel so bad. That I put her in danger... :(
Okay no more complaining from me. But thanks so much for all of your advice and support. Believe it or not, it's been quite helpful. Sometimes we just need that extra boost of confidence. Y'all are terrific! :D
Please don't beat yourself up about the cat. The fact that you even mention this after the fact shows about you care about her and are in fact the best cat mama! There is no way you could have known this guy was psycho and your baby is fine.
I agree with GeekGirl I am very impressed with your attitude. It seems like you have chosen to learn from this. Not many of us could do that if we were in your shoes.
The RED FLAG thing is such a valuable lesson to learn not only in dating but in other parts of life.
I understand about being a little gun shy for now. That's usually when you meet people. ;)
No YOU are TERRIFIC!!!
09-03-2005, 10:13 AM
I can believe (well can't believe it but I do believe it, KWIM?) that someone would lie about that. I had a friend in high school who, after I had been away for a year, had lost a bunch of weight. He told me it was because he'd had stomach cancer. I found out TWO YEARS LATER that it was all a lie, when he was dating a friend of mine and she mentioned it to his parents. After we found that out we found out about a whole series of outlandish lies that I totally believed; a girlfriend he'd talked about that he had made up altogether, he had claimed to have played bass with and been asked to play with several well-known bands (but not TOO famous--it sounded credible, as he was a very talented bass player--very calculated, IMHO). I could never really relate to him again after we found all that out.
You're lucky to have discovered this when you did.
09-03-2005, 11:25 AM
ktsb - Thanks so much. You're very sweet. I don't have many female friends in real life so having such kind support from women is so nice. I think I'm proud of me, too. :o
etoile - That's so crazy! It helps to know I'm not the only person who's known someone like this, though. I mean, I can see someone making up a story about something to try to make themselves look better, it's not okay, but I can SEE it. But making up harmful lies? That's just so beyond what I can comprehend.
09-07-2005, 10:28 AM
imagirliegirl, I'm sorry if I missed it but you can you tell us how you found out it was a lie?
09-07-2005, 02:54 PM
imagirliegirl, I'm sorry if I missed it but you can you tell us how you found out it was a lie?
Initially it was just suspicion. Some things he was saying just weren't adding up. Then when he had that insane girl contact me she let it slip that it was not a true deal. I also found some posts he had made on an internet message board alluding to his lies. He has since admitted to me that he made it up and he "doesn't know why". :rolleyes:
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