I dont know what to do anymore...

[cakes]

I just dont know what to do anymore. Sorry if this is long and makes no sence.

When I was in HS I was anorexic, how good my day was going to be was judged on how far my hipbones stuck out when I woke up in the morning. My family never noticed or never cared, they were all too busy with their own issues to see that I had a problem. There was one person in my life who actually took notice and with his love and support I was able to start recovering. Then I went off to college and lost that support but was finally strong enough to battle this on my own. I made the decision that I would start over and I learned to eat, to enjoy food and to not see it as the enemy and something to be avoided at all costs. I was so proud of myself for that and I finally started getting some confidence and enjoying life.

Of course along with learning to eat came the weight gain. Now 6 years after HS I am 5'4" and 143 lbs. Well now my mother and my grandmother continuously make comments about my weight and how fat I am and how I need to lose weight. Everything I eat in front of my grandmother is commented on and criticized.

I finally broke down a few months ago and cried to my mother about what I went through in HS and that I needed her to stop. Well she wont, she's still making comments. Especially now that the weather is warmer and I'm not able to hide behind my sweaters and sweatshirts and jeans anymore.

I feel like I'm starting to lose it again. Its becoming so hard to fight the pressure not to eat and I think I'm about to lose the battle. I want to shut up all the voices ~ my mother, my grandmother, the voices in my head telling me that no ones every going to love me when I'm this fat. Just give into them and stop eating. I really dont have anyone to turn to and I dont know what to do.

I dont know what I'm asking for. Maybe just hugs or someone to tell me that it's going to be ok and I can fight through this. I dont know. I feel so lost right now.

[mrstim]

<Hugs><Hugs>

I know it seems SO overwhelming right now, but this IS really serious! Is there any way you can get couseling? I know with a eating disorder (recovering bulimic) that you NEED someone to talk to that will reall listen! The point is that you will probably always have those urges, but it just depends on the tools you have to fight back. Forget your mom/grandma - make sure you're happy!!

Sorry I don't have more to tell you, other than get thyself to a counseler soon! I lurked in your someday journal over on the wc, and I know you've gone through a lot recently. It might help just to have someone to cry on. ;)

Smile girlfriend!

amy

[cakes]

mrstim ~ Thank you so much. I was seeing a counselor for the past year, but I stopped about a month ago. I guess I'll be calling her back up and getting back in there. These feelings/thoughts pop up all the time, normally I'm strong enough to fight them and they go away, but now they're not.

I was having a slight problem with throwing up after eating about 6 months ago, in my mind I figured that would be a way I could still eat what I wanted but not have to deal with the consequences and make everyone happy. After I fell and hit my head one night becuase I was so dizzy after an episode, I broke down and told two good friends of mine ~ they were so super supportive of me, checked on me every day, would make me dinner and sit with me afterwards talking to me so I didnt go running to the bathroom. In fact I couldnt even go to the bathroom ever without a million questions about if I was ok. But now I dont have them around. They were Chris's friends (since you read my journal you know about that) and now they dont talk to me. I feel so alone, I dont have the support of my family and I've pretty much lost all of my really good friends because of Chris. I guess their loyalties should be with him, but it hurts and it makes me feel even more alone.

[houseblend]

(((HUGS)))

First off, congratulations on having worked through this in the past. I can't imagine how hard that must have been.

Family is so tough because of the feeling we're attached to them, so we often put up with their crap. I know it is hard, but I think you have to put your foot down with them. My DH's mother used to treat him like crap, too. Then he finally determined that whenever she treated him that way, he would bow out of the conversation and either leave or hang up the phone. He told her he did not need to be around her negativity. It was very difficult - it was his mom! But, you know, after time she finally got the hint that if she wanted to talk to her son, she better not be so negative. It was not easy and it took time, but at least in the end they were able to have a healthy relationship. Do you think you would be able to stand up to your mom and grandmother?

I also second the counseling suggestion. It's great that you already have a relationship with one.

Hang in there!

[camberne]

I'm going to let my emotions get the best of me to start this off and just say that I want to shake your mother.

That said... definately go back to counseling. An eating disorder of any kind is not something to take lightly. The fact that you're talking about it and then came clean to your mom about it proves that you're really trying to be healthy and recover. BRAVO to you!!

Whatever you do, do not let your mother continue to say things to you. You can't ask her to stop saying them, you have to demand that. If she doesn't understand (as mothers can be bullheaded, mine is a doozey), see if your counselor would see you together for a session and try to get your mom to agree to go. Third parties tend to help immensely in situations such as this. Just as a dieting person needs their support system to not buy ice cream and sit down and eat it in front of them, a recovering anorexic/bullimic needs their support system to support them in maintaining weight, not losing.

Good luck and keep up the good attitude. You really ARE doing great.

[al'sgirl]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this.

It's obvious that your Mom has no idea what she's doing to you. ITA that you have to be firm with her that you should not be treated in this way. If it's possible for her to have a joint session with you and your counselling, like camberne suggested, that would be great. She needs to be a support to you, not your tormenter.

Also, you need to feel good about yourself ... don't worry about what others think about you physically.

Any kind of eating disorder is a battle over time. You will be ok, and you will get through this ... just like you recovered before.

Take care *hugs*

[mrstim]

cakes -

Yes, I read all about Chris. Here's something I think you should do: GO make some friends who love ya for YOU! You seem to be a great & fun girl - go get some girlfriends to veg out with! :) Believe me, bulimia seems so easy...but it's not. My mom did the same thing for so long.....now she wants to eat and save it, but at least once a day "it" happens, no matter how hard she trys to keep it down (tmi, but she doesn't try to puke, it just forcefully comes back up.) There are SO many other healthier ways to be heathly!!

{{{HUGS}}}} again! :)

[cakes]

houseblend ~ Thank you. I know the only reason I got through it is becuase I had a fantastic support system at the time, now I dont have that anymore and I feel like I'm drowning under the weight of all of this sometimes.

I'll have to try that with my family. Well I guess at least my mother. My grandmother I think is a lost cause. She wont EVER get it. My family knows somethings going on. I've stopped eating at family functions or hiding in another room from my grandmother to eat. They know that her comments hurt me and I'm choosing to avoid eating to avoid the comments (but except for my mom they dont know why it bothers me so much). They think it sucks and they dont like it, but no one can stand up to her in the family. You know the only time she's told me that I looked good in the last 6 years is a few months ago when I had a bug and couldnt eat and threw up for a week and lost 10 lbs. My mom I will work on. It'll be hard, but I'll work on not taking any of her negative comments.

camberne ~ I will go back. I have a call into my therapist already. I'm waiting to hear back from her. She's fantastic. I dont want to deal with this anymore. I just want to be normal and be happy with myself and how I look.

What I dont understand is that my mother is not a small person. She's definitly overweight. So why she harps on me about my weight I dont get it. I'm going to make it a goal that I will not just sit there quietly when she says something, I will make it clear that she cant. I'm a very shy person and dont like confrontation at all, this is going to be hard.

I appreciate all your support, maybe this will make it easier to say something.

[mrstim]

you know - you just shed some lihgt! I thik that your mom wishes she was as small as you, but she probably has no willpower. The thought comes to me that she's trying to make you be the person she wishes SHE was. i.e. - bone thin, not healthy. Today's culture screams for bone-skinny women, and maybe she is dealing with her dis-satisfaction with herself the only way she knows how - by making other people as miserable as she is?? Just a thought - hope I don't sound crazy!

[cakes]

mrstim ~ I have such a hard time making friends. Once I meet people I'm ok, but it's the actually getting out there part that terrifies me. I dont even know where to start :( The crazy part is that in college I was a Health Science major for awhile, I know it's not healthy, I know there's so many better ways to go about this, I just cant fight it sometimes.

al'sgirl ~ No, I love my mom, but she is VERY clueless sometimes. I'm going to try like camberne said to demand that she stop. I hope she'll realize soon what this is doing to me. At this point I just dont know how to feel good about myself. I hate myself and everything about me, I'm so miserable.

[cakes]

mrstim ~ No actually that doesent sound crazy. My mother gets the pressure that I get from my grandmother to be skinny only she gets it way worse than I do. Maybe this is her way of trying to save me from that. She knows how horrible her mother is, she's admitted it to me. I dont know maybe that's it. She used to be very skinny, maybe she's afraid that I'm going to end up like her.

[houseblend]

I hear you on making friends - it is very hard!!! Get out there and join some groups at the very least. You may not become close friends right away, but at least it will keep you preoccupied and eventually a casual acquaintance may develop into a long-term friend.

I think mrstim hit it right on - sounds like your mom is actually jealous and feels bad about her own body. She's shifting it onto you.

[ktsb]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

Isn't it amazing the way our mother can make us feel?? Even when we totally disagree and feel like strong independent women it's our Mom who can always effect us so. :( The hard part is it may not be possible to change her at this point. You may just have to learn how to deal with it. I know from personal experience that is easier said than done. I have a MIL problem and have pretty much decided she won't change at this point in her life.

I don't have much experience with eating disorders so I leave that advice to others. I remember reading your journal here and there in the somedays and wanted to let you know you have a really good head on your shoulders and you are a fun loving, spontaneous woman. I know this feels like a low period in your life but I know you will be fine. Hang in there and keep us posted.

--Katie

[Katyanne]

*hugs* I'm so sorry sweetie, ITA with the advice that everyone has given to this point. I don't have anything new to add about the eating disorder except this story.

My Grandmother can be a very nice person, the thing is she has this razor sharp wit and tongue so she doesn't stop to think about how something she says will effect that person. I've lived for years with my Grandmother's little slights about my weight and how I didn't need to eat this or how I should lose weight because I'd sit alone on the front steps watching my (skinny) sister go off to prom because I'm to fat to get a date just like my Mother. :eek: I did go to prom with a date and thankfully I'm married to someone who see's me for me as opposed to just seeing my weight. I finally was at a point in my life one day where she said something and I just snapped, and she honestly was taken totally by suprise. I don't think she realized til that point how bothered by her comments I were.

Sometimes people don't realize how their comments can hurt and truly do dammage. And I do agree that maybe your Mom is saying those things because she doesn't want to see you go down the same path she's at currently. And it could be that she doesn't believe seriously that you have an eating problem because maybe she thinks that she would've known if you had.

Hope that makes sense,

*hug*
Katie

[ejs]

Cakes, I admire you for being aware that you might be heading down the slippery slope again and trying to stop it before it occurs. That takes a lot of strength.

I have a grandmother who can be nasty and it really impacted me. I usually saw her at her house when my mom came to visit and at family events. I talked to my mom about it and decided to do the following: The next time my grandmother made a mean comment, I asked her to please not say things like that anymore because they were hurtful and not helpful. I said I didn't want to discuss it and I just wished that she'd respect what I said. After that, whenever she said something nasty, I would get up and leave. I wouldn't say anything; I would just get up and leave. Sometimes I would go to the other room to talk to someone else, sometimes I would leave her house. I would go around to everyone at the house, kiss them good-bye, and leave.

As long as my parents understood why I was leaving, I was cool with it. I didn't care what the other people thought. Sadly, my grandmother never seemed effected by my leaving because she's such a narcissist. But I felt like I had the power in the situation, not her. So while I couldn't control what she said, I could control how I reacted to it.

Sorry for the rambling.

[DiscoDiva]

As Dr. Phil says, "You can't control other people: you can only control how you react to them."

Don't let them affect you anymore. The next time they say something negative like that, calmly say, "I don't appreciate you saying such negative and hurtful thngs about me like that, therefore, I'm leaving. I'd appreciate it if, the next time I see you, you don't make comments about my weight or what I eat." Then get up and LEAVE!

Keep doing this and not only will they get the point, but I'll bet your other family members will start defending you!

Remember, you are NOT doing anything wrong, they are! You just.... ROCK!!!!

Hugs!

[Lizzie Beth]

Cakes, hang in there, girl!!!

Eating disorder or not, nobody's mama should EVER make cracks about their weight. Your mom is supposed to be the one person who supports you unconditionally. I'm sorry to hear about the comments she's made.

All that being said, I like ejs' solution - leaving when the cracks come out. Sooner or later, she may make the connection that nasty comments = daughter disappearance. A little negative reinforcement never hurt anybody!!

[cakes]

First off ~ a big thank you to everyone here!! It really was a big mood lifter to come in here this morning and see all these positive supportive comments. I'm doing alright today. I have an appointment with my therapist for Tues next week. Unfortunately she's taking an extended vacation this weekend so I couldnt get in sooner. I think I'm ok with that. The only thing I'm dreading is this weekend. My family goes up to my aunt and uncles house on the lake for the 4th usually which means water sports and bathing suits :( So I may just get a chance to test out your ideas sooner than later.

houseblend ~ I am starting to get back into karate, which was a huge part of my life growing up. It's hard because it's so far away, but I think I'll really make an effort to get out there. You're right at the very least it will keep me preoccupied. Why do people have to make others miserable when they're not happy themselves? It's just not fair.

ktsb ~ Thank you so much for all your kind words. They mean a lot to me right now!

Katyanne ~ Your grandmother sounds a lot like mine. Maybe they're related. What happened is what I'm afraid of. That I'm just going to snap at them. I'd rather calmly make my point, but I am afraid that she just wont get it. I have a question, did your grandmother stop after that? Or did she continue making comments? I do think my mom doesnt believe me about the extent of it. She always says ~ but you were so thin, so beautiful back then. She doesnt see it as a problem, but rather a blessing. If you look at pictures of me in HS you can tell I'm just not happy in any of them. It's really painful to look at.

ejs ~ Thank you. I really like that idea. It could hopefully get the point across without making a big huge scene. Like I said to Katyanne I'm afraid of just blowing up one day, but that seems like a better solution.

DiscoDiva ~ That seems to be the common theme comming out from all you guys ~ I may not be able to control what they say, but I can control how I react to it. I really like both your and ejs's solution. I think that is something I could do. And you're right, who knows my other family members might start defending me. They all know that there is a problem and it's not fair, but maybe me saying something will get them to back me up.

Lizzie Beth ~ That's why it hurts so much, she supposed to love me for who I am, not what I look like and she doesnt. I like that solution too. My family is all about everyone being together, maybe if a family member starts walking out they'll get the hint.

[Hangin'in]

Cakes I just wanted to lend you my support. I struggled with eating disorders for years. Mine started my freshman year in college, my boyfriend at the time made some hurtful comments about my weight gain over the summer (I was out of the state for 3 months, and we had not seen each other). I was not fat, I probably wore a size 6 at that time, but from that moment on I was convinced in my head that I was indeed fat. I stopped eating, when sorority sisters would make comments about not seeing me eat, I started eating salads. I use that term loosely, because it really was only lettuce... nothing else, and I drank water. This went on for months, luckily it was cold, and I could hide under sweaters... until I went home for Christmas. My family noticed I had lost weight, but nothing was really said. The next time I came home it was painfully obvious that I had a problem, and I was told I had 2 choices: start eating or go into the hospital. At that time there was a reall stigma attached to getting help of this kind... so as far as my parents were concerned, I was eating. They didn't just take my word, they inlisted the help of several friends, and my boyfriend (the new one). That's when my bulimia started. I had to eat in front of my friends, so after eating I would just leave for class a little early and "take care of business" in another building. Noone had a clue... for years. I don't know what actually brought me out of it, but I know that I still struggle with it today. I had a very emotional event going on in my life in March, and it scared me how easily I slipped back into those habits... I didn't eat for 6 weeks, I drank water, and maybe 2 or 3 bites of the food people would put in front of me... just so they would hush. I got myself a counslor, and I am still working on it.

I have toxic parents. They make snide comments, and say hurtful things. I told my counselor about it and she gave me some very helpful insights. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. You have to stand up for yourself and tell them that you will not tolerate the comments. You have to tell them what actions you will take when they make those comments (and they will). But this is the hard part... you MUST follow through... you have to. If you tell them that you will leave, then you have to leave, even if it a family function. Much harder to do than you would think, because you probably want to be there. I am very close to my family, I didn't WANT to leave, but I had to take care of myself, which meant I had to follow though with my actions. When people ask you "why are you ruining things" or try to make you feel guilty about your actions, you have to remember that it will get better. When they know you are serious, their behavior will probably change. And if it doesn't, then they don't have your best interest at heart, and you don't need to be around that person anyway.

I know this is a book. I wish I was in your area, I'd take you to lunch. Maybe there are some wonderful ladies on this board that you could meet in real life. You might also check your area for some eating disorder groups... alot like AA. You would get alot of support from people who know what you are going through... but that's probably just as scary as taking care of yourself, and standing up to the people who bring you down. Once you start taking care of yourself, your confidence level will rise, and then you will KNOW you don't deserve to be treated that way.

I hope my story helps, if you need to talk, I think you can email me through my profile. If not, my email address is jensmilesatu at yahoo.com.

[cakes]

I'm so sorry that you went throught that but thank you for sharing it. Even though I know that I'm not alone, it really does help to hear stories from others.

I will try so hard to follow through. I'm guessing that you are 100% right in that it is much harder to do than I think though. I love my family very much. I have a large extended family on my mom's side that I enjoy being around. And I actually think that most of my family would support me in leaving, they know and see how hard my mother and grandmother are on me. It will still be hard though.

The idea of going to a group though terrifies me. I had such a hard time even admitting it here. And IRL very very few people close to me have any idea, it's not even something that most of my good friends know. Those that did are no longer a part of my life or of my support system.

Once you start taking care of yourself, your confidence level will rise
I know this, I do know this deep down, its just so hard between part of you knowing this and the other part telling you not to eat.

Thank you. Thank you so much!

[lawyerlee]

Thank you for calling your therapist. That is a very important thing to do at a time like this. Also, thank you for reaching out for help. I can only imagine, but I would assume this is not an easy thing to admit or ask for help about.

This is not something that I have ever been through, but I want you to know that I care about what happens to you. Even though I cannot relate to your particular condition, I see a therapist, and I am on an antidepressant. Sometimes it is hard for me to feel that I am worth enough to accept that help. But we *are* worth enough. We're worth a lot. You're a special, wonderful person, and you have to treat yourself with kindness and respect. You deserve nothing less.

Please keep us posted on how things are going with your therapist. And don't be afraid to ask for what you need. If you need to see someone every day, say that. If you need an inpatient program, say that. Please, please don't be afraid or feel you're not worth enough to reach out for what you need.

Take care. (((hugs)))

[Hangin'in]

I know that helping yourself is very hard... we don't feel worthy... we feel like we don't deserve love. Please be very open with your therapist. That was very hard to admit, I struggled with it for years. Yes, a few people knew about my disorder while I was in school, but no one ever really took it seriously because I was eating in front of them. They had no idea that I was throwing up everything I ate with in 5 minutes. After I graduated from college, no one I associated with knew anything. My family knew, but they were so involved with themselves, they barely remember at all.

Please don't think that I want you to go find a group tomorrow... but some where down the line you will believe in yourself, and you WILL feel confident enough in yourself to talk about it... like I am doing here. And your storey will help someone else, and make them feel strong. That's when you KNOW that the disorder is no longer in control... you have the control.

It's a very long process. I do not believe that I will ever be completely reocovered. And, don't forget the internet. There are several support grouops online... google anorexia support groups, and they should pop up. But please do post and keep us informed of what's going on. Even if no one else has experience with an eating disorder, they can support you. The feelings are the same, regardless of the disorder (alcohol, drugs, self mutilation, compulsive shopping)

Take care.

[Golightly]

I don't really have anything new to add here, Cakes, but I wanted to let you know that I'm reading and thinking of you... Hang in there...

And lawyerlee really hit the nail on the head... I needed to hear that too, so thanks!

Cheers, sweetie.

[maplekitty]

First of all, I'm in no way an expert on the matter, but if it could work I do have a suggestion.

It seems as if your mother doesn't truly understand the severity of your dissorder. Are there any open support groups that you could have your mom come to with you. Maybe after she sees first hand just how dangerous and serious an eating dissorder is, would she take *you* seriouly. I'm sure that a lot of mothers want to deny problems in their childrens lives because it's too hard for them to realize that something *is* wrong. Many parents feel like it's a shame on them that they couldn't have helped you, but maybe once she's aware of that fact that you really need her support in order to deal with this, then she will come around?

[MandyMaloo]

I'm really sorry you're even having to deal with this. I was bulimic for 8 years, and 2 years ago I was able to finally overcome it after being trapped in a hospital for 2 weeks. It was the single hardest thing I've ever had to do. It was also the best thing I've ever done. I had no choice. I am very sorry that you don't have the family support system that you should. I was very fortunate. Some people just don't understand that it truly becomes an ILLNESS after awhile. You just can't control it. Please remember that you've beaten something very serious. It was hard for me to put on the weight as well, and there are some ignorant people that make comments on my wieght, but I just know how far I've come and I just smile.

Counceling or even joining some kind of support group is a really good idea. I'm actually considering it since I have all the stress of a wedding.

I truly hope all goes well for you- and remember that you're a very strong person and you've beaten something so many havn't. Good job!!!

[ktsb]

Hey Cakes, just dropping by to say I'm thinking about ya! :)

Talk to us if you need to.

[cakes]

lawyerlee ~ Thanks. I know I shouldnt but I really do feel like a failure right now :( Like I'm not strong enough to handle this on my own and now I have to bring other people into it. I keep going back and forth between wanting to stop this now before it REALLY becomes a problem again and just wanting to roll over and give up. Right now I know I'm starting to give up. It just doesnt seem worth it to fight it.

Hangin'in ~ That's why I think noone (my mom) really realizes that I did have a problem. In HS my parents got divorced and my mom had to work long hrs at the family company which was quite a drive away. So she was gone before I was awake in the morning and then when she came home I was always off at karate since I trained 7 days/wk most of the time. So she was never around when it was "mealtime" to see that I wasnt eating. She figured that I was eating at school and at karate, but I wasnt. No one ever saw me eat but they figured it was becuase i was eating at other times with my crazy schedule.

Wow I feel dumb right now. Here I am addicted to a message board and I never even though of finding a support group on the internet. That's something I'm going to look at first thing when I get home tonight. Thank you for that wonderful suggestion.

Golightly ~ Thank you. I'm glad that this thread may be of use to someone else too.

maplekitty ~ My mother is the queen of sticking her head in the sand when it comes to problems. My brother has/had a huge drug problem, ran away from home in HS for almost 2 months, etc etc and she STILL refuses to believe that there ever was or is a problem. I showed her evidence of it (parafanalia and the like) and she still wouldnt see it. I dont know that that would even help the more I think of it. I really wish she could see it, but I dont think she can.

MandyMaloo ~ I hope I someday can get to the point you are at. To realize how far I've come and smile and shrug off coments instead of letting them beat me down. Right now all I can think is that maybe they're right. Have you done a support group before? Did you find it helpful? Or would one on one w/ my therapist be better?

ktsb ~ Thanks!

[cakes]

Thank you all for everything. This weekend my mom wants me to go to The Taste with her. Just the thought of this is making me sick to my stomach. All the food and having to eat in front of her. I'm freaking out, really really badly.

I'm thinking of going back on Lexapro. I stopped it about a month ago (along w/ my counselor) because I felt I was doing better. I know that was a dumb decision and a big mistake. I feel like I should start it now, but do you think I should wait at all?

[camberne]

I would call your prescribing Dr and ask the advice for taking the meds. I am not familiar with Lexapro, but is that a med that requires blood tests to monitor levels?

On the flip side, if you're like me, I don't take pills unless I HAVE to. As a result, I have extra meds from various issues. If I feel I need a valium, I take one; if I feel I need a tylox, I take one. I'm not advocating self-medicating (not really); however, if you still have some of your meds handy;,you feel you need them, you have an appointment set up with your therapist, etc ~ I say do it. Just don't over-do it and be sure to follow up ASAP with your therapist and prescribing Dr!!

[lawyerlee]

I'm thinking of going back on Lexapro. I stopped it about a month ago (along w/ my counselor) because I felt I was doing better. I know that was a dumb decision and a big mistake. I feel like I should start it now, but do you think I should wait at all?
First, off, not that you need a lecture, but just for information purposes, when you go off Lexapro (this is what I'm on, so I know from going through it) you need to gradually decrease the amounts. It is a really bad idea to just stop taking it cold turkey.

How soon will you be able to get into the doctor? Speaking from my own experience, I think you should be evaluated by a medical doctor as to your antidepressant and starting back on it and the dose AND see the therapist, too.

[cakes]

camberne ~ No I was never required to monitor levels while on this medication. And any prescribing dr has given me the same level of meds. You're like me then. I have a whole medicine cabinet full of stuff. With the exception of things like antibiotics I never finish prescriptions. So I do have about half a bottle left + the remainder of my refills. I have the appt w/ the therapist on Tues and then my prescribing dr. on the 16th.

lawyerlee ~ I actually did that. Last time (under the care of a really, well stupid MD) I went cold turkey. It was HORRIBLE. This time I worked down the dose and gradually came off of it. I do have an appt on the 16th w/ my prescribing dr. This meds been a godsend for me. I dont know why I though I should just go off it :(

[DiscoDiva]

This meds been a godsend for me. I dont know why I though I should just go off it
Because almost everyone with a mental health issue thinks, at one time or another, they they are 'cured' and can get off their meds. Some people can, but some people can't. All people need to learn that some mental health issues are just like any other medical issue (like high-blood pressure or diabetes): you may always need medication to live a happy, productive life. And there's nothing wrong with that!

[lawyerlee]

lawyerlee ~ I actually did that. Last time (under the care of a really, well stupid MD) I went cold turkey. It was HORRIBLE. This time I worked down the dose and gradually came off of it. I do have an appt on the 16th w/ my prescribing dr. This meds been a godsend for me. I dont know why I though I should just go off it :(
Well that's good, then! :)

I did the same thing at one point, and, obviously, realized it wasn't a good choice for me. Sometimes I get pissy about having to take a fistful of pills for my migraines, too. I think it's just a little bit of rebellion and thinking that your problem can't really be that bad.

[cakes]

Thanks you guys. At least I'm not the only one that's done this.

[Katyanne]

I'm so sorry I didn't reply sooner, I wasn't gettig notices for some reason.
I'm really glad you're talking about going back on the medication and seeing a counselor, sounds like it would be a good idea.

In responce to your question about my Grandma, Definately not as much as she used to, she still makes little comments, at this point I'm not even sure if she realizes she does it.
Case in point, Easter we were all over at my sisters house for dinner and she made several of her fabulous deserts. So I picked up a few different small slices of things just to try and sat down next to her at the table. I definately wasn't going to eat everything until she said those magic words ' You don't need any of that' The next thing I new I'd eaten everything then later had to ask my sister for pepto since I'd made myself sick by over eating. :rolleyes: 27 years old and I still don't learn. She's made other comments about my clothes or hair and I figure I'd rather have her make those comments then bring up food. Don't get me wrong, I love my Grandmother very much, at this point I'm used to everything she says and I realize that's just her. But I have noticed that she doesn't mention food as much as she used to.

[miel]

I don't know your family...but based on what you said--I think there is something seriously wrong with your mother and grandmother. How inappropriate!!! What is their problem???? Do they worry about your health? Of course not! You are perfectly fine at your weight and height.

Then why are they doing this--they seem to be dealing with some issue of their own through you. I think they see you as an extension of themselves and use you as a way to make themselves feel better. Since they are uneasy about themselves, they attack you for your weight.

I'm sure they love you and you love them. They are not bad people--just immature and thoughtless. Look at the unhappiness they are causing you. This is not a sign of empathy. Or maturity.

It takes a lot of work to see your family from a distance and realize that they have problems and they are dragging you in--and to mentally distance yourself from them, in order to protect your own happiness. But it can be done.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I just had a baby and now I understand the weird 'I want my kid to be perfect' thing and I am going to fight it with every ounce of my strength. Because it really destroys people to put that on them.

[cakes]

I just wanted to update you guys. My counseling session was last night. I cried A LOT!! She said most of the same things that you all have said to me. (You all should start charging for your advice ;) ) It felt really good to get it all out. I'm going to continue to see her on a more regular basis now. She doesnt think that I need any sort of more indepth therapy right now and I agree with her.

Overall I'm feeling about the same though. Still struggling day by day. It doesnt help that my new living situation is starting to become a lot more stressful that I thought it would be and that now he's making comments about what I'm eating. His are more along the lines of the food is disgusting (ie. lox) not that I shouldnt be eating it , but it's bothering me a lot. I cant say anything though, I'm working on comming up with something non attacking to say when he says these things but I cant. I've found myself snapping at him alot lately (leaving the sliding door open while the air is on, turning the air on when it's under 70 outside, not turning ANYTHING off) that I dont want to snap about this too. Considering I unfortunatly have to live with him until the end of April of 06 I dont want things to be too tense. Any ideas of simple things I could say to him?

[lawyerlee]

Any ideas of simple things I could say to him?
Does he know about your history with ED? That's where I would start if I was in your shoes. I'd explain about what you've been through and where you are right now and let him know that those kinds of comments may not seem like anything to him or even to most people, but that they are difficult for you to hear and hurt your efforts to stay on a healthy track.

I'm so glad to hear your therapy session went well. :)

[camberne]

SO glad to hear that your appointment went well. I always say that a good cry is a good way to clear my mind. I have movies that I watch when I specifically need to cry and can't get it out. :)

Just keep making it day to day and celebrate the small victories. The larger ones will appear as if from nowhere.

As for what to say to someone you're living with... eh, I don't know. Depends a lot on what you're willing to let them know.

[houseblend]

I'm so glad your counseling session went well. Sometimes it helps so much just to let it all out. It sounds like you have an awesome counselor, too.

I think I might have missed somewhere about your roommate (is this the ex?). Either way, maybe sometime when you are in a half-decent mood, you can sit down and explain how his comments hurt. Maybe apologize for snapping so much lately and explain that you are going through a hard time. If you're not feeling that comfortable or close to your roommate, at the very least, next time he makes a comment, tell him that those comments hurt and ask if he could please not make them.

[cakes]

lawyerlee ~ No he doesnt. He knows that sometimes when I'm upset I stop eating but that's about it. As with as upset and irritated as I am with him right now I'm not really liking the person that he is (and I only moved in 2 weeks ago) I dont think our friendship will last after I move out and I dont feel comfortable sharing this with him.

camberne ~ Yeah it felt really good especially since I cant cry at home anymore. Well like I said to lawyerlee I'm not really willing to tell him what's really going on.

houseblend ~ I do like her very much. She's the first counselor I have ever felt comfortable with and right away too. I have been to many other ones (for a variety of reasons) and I hated them all and got completely turned off of even considering counseling, but I'm glad I gave it one more shot.

My roommate is(was) a good guy friend of mine who I have never and will never be involved with (but who insists on making lewd comments every chance he gets). He was a really great friend and very supportive before we got a place together, but now I realize what kind of person he really is and honestly his good points are WAY overshaddowed by the bad ones. I guess you dont truely know someone til you live with them. Because of this I no longer feel comfortable opening up to him about what's going on.