Sick of Fighting

[alliannie]

Recently me and DH have been fighting..alot. I am so stressed out about it. Somedays are so perfect and wonderful so I feel silly but other days its all I can do to live here. Last Wed I was so upset and miserable that I looked up places online in my hometown to go live. I often think how much better it would be if I had waited till I was older to get married(damn it all those people who told me that) but at the same time I cant imagine not being with him. I mean I cant sleep if hes not here how could I live without him? Really I just dont know what to do. I know I cant live my whole life fighting like this. I would say its new but its not. And it just seems to happen more and more. Its about stupid stuff generally but its often.

I guess I am just asking for advice. Has anyone been in this situation? We have tried and tried to work on the fighting but it will cease for a week or so and then it is back. Im scared to stay with him have a baby and then be in a way more stuck. But I also want to be with him and have a baby. I am so confused. :confused: I dont know what to do.

[babylove]

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your husband right now. Have you ever considering marriage counseling? Or even just going and talking to your clergy or something? I don't know what it is that you fight over, but perhaps if you talked it over with a neutral party you would both be able to see each other's perspective more clearly. Re: having a baby, my advice on that would be not to do anything like that until you and your husband are more secure in your marriage. You are absolutely right about being more stuck once you bring another life into this world--you'd either be more stuck or more miserable b/c having a baby changes everything and would probably make things worse in your relationship. I am the product of a divorce (2, actually) and it is so hard on children.

Anway, I hope you work this out and I wish you all the best!!!

[onomatopoeia]

Dh and I started to have many fights after our son was born. I felt like things were out of control. We thought we could figure it out alone, and make things work, but we were wrong. We ended up going to marriage counseling and it's helped a lot.

I would suggest going NOW before you are already one foot out the door. Basically we have learned that the stuff we are fighting about is a mask - there were real deeper issues going on. I don't know who starts most of your fights - if it's you or your DH, but with counseling, you 2 will find out your patterns and be able to stop them, and then stop the fighting.

[alliannie]

Thank you for the replies. I had a feeling that marriage counseling was going to be mentioned and it is something I have thought of. I will try and look into it. We live in a very rural area so I am not sure its available but if not I am sure there are other routes. I totally agree with trying to wait to have a baby, but yet I wonder because when I was pregnant(I miscarried) we hardly ever fought. It was like it brought us closer, KWIM?

[Golightly]

Hi Sweetie...

Do your fights escalate? No one is hitting, are they? I just want to make sure that you're safe first.

How long have you been married? You mentioned that you are young, mind if I ask how old you are? Do you want to tell us about the kind of stuff you guys are fighting about?

Cheers,

[onomatopoeia]

We never had a fight until after our son was born. I think most women will tell you that having a newborn is one of the most stressful things in the world and you want to make sure your marriage is ROCK solid before you have a child b/c any little problem will still be there after your baby is born but instead of just being you and your hubby you will have sleepless nights and screaming baby to work with and it will make things so much harder.

I have known people who get divorced when their child is 2 or 3 years old and I always wondered why.... well it's the most stressful time, having a child. Yes, I felt like the pregnancy and the birth experience brought us closer but I wouldn't count on it helping solve your problems. Trust me.

There are books out there.. like Dr.Phil's Relationship Rescue. It comes with a workbook and you and your hubby could do it together. That might help if you aren't able to get into counseling.

[Ameez]

I agree about a baby adding a lot of stress and causing fights. My DH and I never fought until the baby came along. The baby added SO much stress to our lives we were always at each other's throats. Luckily, we have a standing monthly appointment with a counselor, and she's helped us out a lot. We find that seeing our counselor regularly helps us with those little things that crop up. A few years ago, towards the beginning of our relationship, we were having problems and started seeing a counselor. Now, it's a regular thing for us. We don't always need to see her, but when we do, we're so lucky to have her to help us work through things. I definitely recommend #1 counseling, and #2 waiting to have a baby until your marriage is solid. I speak from experience on both things. :)

[alliannie]

Im 21 while be 22 in a few weeks, he is 22. We have been married a year in August. We fight about stupid stupid things. Like laundry being left around which wouldnt be a big deal but the fights escalate because he is so mad about it. He has never hit me but we honestly scream at each other when we are fighting. I know my neighbors must think we are crazy. The thing is he gets mad at it seems everything. He will get mad at one thing so I will not do that or do it a different way and then he will get mad about that or something else. I swear sometimes he finds things to get mad about just to fight. I have told him a few times recently that I am sick of it and want to leave and he says well leave me then. Just go. So it makes me think he really wants me too but then later he says he was mad and aplogizes (though aplogizing just annoys me because its stupid stuff he shouldnt be mad about). I dont know :o

[Golightly]

Oh sweetie...

I'm not going to pretend like I know anything about your situation, but what you are saying about your DH "picking" fights that escalate concerns me.

Not only is it probably doing a number on your self-esteem, but if the fights continue to escalate... Well, I don't want you getting physically harmed.

You also say that he apologizes afterwards... Does it feel like a cycle is developing? None of us want to see you end up in an abusive situation, Annie.

If he's getting super-angry about things that usually wouldn't elicit such a huge reaction from a person, maybe there is something else entirely that's bothering him.

I'm so sorry that you miscarried... That is incredibly upsetting and can really rock any marriage, especially a brand new one. Something in my gut says that it's probably best to hold off on getting pregnant again right away. Any problems that exist now, are not going to get better by adding a pregnancy (and then an infant) into the mix.

I would defintely recommend trying to find someone to talk to... Maybe your doctor can recommend someone, or perhaps your church (or temple, or religious house of your choice).

Hang in there dearie... and keep us posted.
Cheers,

[BethElena]

You've probably tried everything in the book, but have you asked him what he is so upset about? I have the feeling that it's not the laundry lying around...I know that my FH keeps everything bottled up inside and then finally breaks down and tells me what's going on. Ususally it starts with him being mad about me not cleaning, leaving clothing around, etc. Then i flat out ask him, "what's really bugging you." And usually it's work/finanances etc. But I would definitely find somebody you feel safe talking to. Having this become a way of life would not be good for you.

Please keep us posted!

[alliannie]

BethElena--I have asked him what is wrong. He says that it is the stupid little stuff. I would have say three months ago thought it could have been money or such but we do very well now. Its not his work as we talk about that on a regular basis. I really think he is annoyed about the little stuff. He came to me this afternoon and said honey we need to talk about this since I am pretty much not talking to him since we fought again this morning. So we tried. He just blamed everything on me saying the fights start because I do this or I do that. I said is there something else, blah, blah and he says no. :confused:

[Walton]

First of all, I'm sorry you are going through this. Fighting with your husband is not only no fun whatsoever, it can be utterly exhausting.

From what you have said, it sounds like your husband isn't communicating with you very well. Let me share my experience with this: I have been known to freak out on my husband for similar issues (laundry, household chores, him leaving stuff out, etc.). The truth is, I am completely anal-retentive and believe everything has its place, and nothing irritates me more than coming home from work to see him playing video games while a pile of dirty dishes is in the sink. When I used to just start screaming though, he would immediately jump on the defensive and get mad at me for the way I addressed the situation. Of course, he had every right to react that way.

After 3 years of marriage, we have finally figured out what works for us. I no longer yell at him about those things or pick fights (well, I admit I have my relapses at times, but they are followed by immediate and sincere apologies). And he has accepted that I am anal-retentive and that stuff like that is going to irritate me. And if I ask him nicely to do something, it generally gets done. So we have learned to compromise. We try to have discussions instead of fights.

I would sit down with your husband and tell him that his screaming at you and picking fights is not going to resolve anything. If he has legitimate issues about something you are doing, he can discuss it with you like a grown-up. Also, please call him out on how he is blaming you for all of the fights. That is complete crap, and if he can't own his behavior then things will never get better. That's not to say that it's always his fault, but I'm sure you both have a responsibility for your arguments, right? Anyway, good luck to you both!

[alliannie]

Walton-
You sound just like my husband :eek: . Enough that I almost want to print what you wrote and show it to him to see if he gets the point! He is just like you and I shamefully am just like your husband. Thank you for posting that I needed it!!

[BethElena]

alliannie - I would do exactly what Walton suggests. Let us know how things go!

[alliannie]

DH and I talked some over the last couple of days. We both have today and tomorrow off and had planned on going to his moms. I told him I think we needed to have these two days apart to think and he agreed. This was on Tuesday. We didnt have any fights between then and today. He left for his mom's this morning. He called me an hour ago to tell me he missed me and to try and get me to come down there :o . I dont know what to do. I want to but I think we need these days too. I know he got the point when we were talking the other day but I think being apart will help us both calm down over all of it too. But I also want to go. ??????? So confusing :(

[R_mageddon]

I'm going out on a limb...for the first time and saying..I understand...

I will also be the rare voice in the night that says counselling doesn't always help...not if one of you isn't willing to do the work. So please...if you choose counselling...be hopeful...but don't COUNT on it...it will crush you if it doesn't work.
Preaching counseliing is great....really great...and I'm a firm beleiver in the fact that it can work...but BOTH of you need to be 100% willing to work on it...to put the effort in...to ACCEPT their own faults and weaknesses and work on them. Counselling can NOT be agreed to in the hopes that only one or the other will change...such as my husband....he agreed to counseliing and I firmly beleive that he did so because he thought it would 'fix' me...and when it came around to the fact that he had to focus on his own stuff, perhaps even more so than me...because I'd already had my own counselling...he FREAKED out...you have no idea....

I know where you are hon....I know...because I am there....I know...that maybe it can't work...but I love him and keep hoping that it WILL work. I remember when our friends would roll their eyes and exclaim about how we were so sappy and lovey dovey and that we were exactly what they wanted their marriages to be like...one friend even went os far as to say that WE were what movies should be made of (it really wasn't that long ago)

I wish you more strength than me...decide exactly how long you CAN live like that...try counselling...do EVERYTHING you can...but know where your limits are...and when you reach them...don't be a doormat.

[alliannie]

R_mageddon,
Thanks for that reply. I see that you really do know exactly where I am coming from. I have suggested counseling and I think he is under the impression that it will "fix" me. He also isnt to sure he wants to do it, as he think I am the problem why should he go. But he did say to me today that he realizes something is very wrong between us and either we figure out how to fix it or we arent together because this is stressing us both out so much.

I dont think it will change. I want to be hopeful and I love him more than anything but I just dont know. We spent two days apart this week to try and see how things would go and today we went right back to fighting. Im getting pissed at our friends b/c they all say oh every couple goes through fights blah blah blah. Uh yeah but you havent heard us fight. Its different TRUST me.

I do know I am not going to let it go on like this much longer either it gets better or it is done. I am miserable so much that I cant live like this and in the last few days I have accepted that I have to make a decision for myself.

R_mageddon I also wish you more strength and hope everything works out good for you too. If you ever need to talk you can pm me since we are in about the exact same situation :o .