Grieving - let's support each other here

[ejs]

I was so touched by the kind response to my post about my mom that I thought other people could benefit from the same kindness. It seems that quite a few of us here have lost people close to us.

I'd like this to be a spot where we can share our grief and help people through the grieving process.

Thanks!

[BTB]

Prayers to you and your family, ejs.

My dad died a long time ago - nine years ago this August. It's an old wound, one I thought I was "over" in the sense that it had become part of my life. The sting had largely faded. But with the birth of my daughter I feel a hole in my life in a way I didn't before - not even when I was planning my wedding. I was 17 when he passed away, and my parents had separated when I was 12; we kids didn't see much of our dad in those years in between. My parent's split was very, very messy. I think what I feel now is regret for the lost time.

[MurphysLaw]

First of all, TY so very much ejs for starting this thread!

My heart goes out to both of you for your losses, you'll be in my thoughts & prayers.

BTB - Reading what you wrote about the birth of your daughter makes me feel not-so-alone.

Here is my story:
I lost my father to a car wreck when I was 15...nearly 9 months later I lost my stepfather too(he was murdered). This time every year is rough for me...even though it's been almost 12 years since my father's death. First comes Father's Day, then my Dad's birthday is June 25th, the anniversary of my Stepfather's death is June 30th, and his birthday is July 10th.

Father's Day this year was different for me, I'm happy to say. My mom's been dating a man that I would be happy to call "Dad"...he's the ONLY man I've ever known that has made me feel like he cared for me like my dad & stepdad did. Aside from that, carrying this child has allowed me to celebrate my DH becoming a father. I can't tell you how these 2 things have made one day that was SO sad, become a MUCH happier time for me. I still cried over the loss, but I cried more tears of joy (I think) in the new way I look at Father's Day.

Saturday(June 25th) was a totally different story. I thought I'd done good to keep a hold of myself all day long and think about other things altogether. Then my mom called late to "check on me" and I lost it. Then DH came home from work, and I lost it. I couldn't fall asleep until about 7am, then was awaken at 9am by my neighbors and their new construction next door and, you guessed it, I lost it again. I've been a wreck over it going on 3 days now...honestly I think that's one of the reasons I've spent SOOO much time here: to keep my mind off things. I don't know why but anytime I think about my Dad at all...I just cannot keep the tears from falling. Lost time is the best description I have for what I'm feeling. Knowing that he'll never meet his grandaughter & vice versa...wondering what life would be like(and I know I can't *dwell* on this, but I can't HELP but wonder), feeling like I got cheated somehow...that everyone who loved him was cheated. I don't know. I just thought, HOPED, that some of these feelings would go away or at least fade some...but they haven't for me, they make my chest feel hollow exactly like it did when they brought the chaplain in that little room of the hospital almost 12 years ago.

It leaves me wondering how the upcoming dates are going to affect me. I wonder if it's because I'm pregnant that I'm feeling this way...not due to the heightened emotions, but more how it will affect me/my daughter.

I know no one has any answers, but my God....it feels good just to get this out. My poor DH...how many times can I cry over the same thing?? He's so supportive but I can't help but wonder if that's what he thinks every time another tear falls, kwim?

Thanks so much for letting me share (& sorry I rambled on for so long). I really needed that.

[jarm]

This is a very emotional time for me. My mother passed away almost 15 years ago, which made it hard when I was planning my wedding. Then I had my DD in 2003, and two weeks later, my dad passed away. It's a very emotional time for me as it hits in June, so there's Father's Day, his birthday was the end of May, my parents anniversary, my dad's anniversary with my stepmom, the anniversary of his death...those accompanied with the end of the school year (I'm a teacher) when I get so attached to the kids and I have concerns about some of them, makes it really hard to live with me. I rarely break down and cry, which is probably part of my problem, but instead I become this lunatic who gets pissed at every little thing. I really feel bad for my DH since he gets the brunt of it.

Thank you, ejs, for starting this. While the pain might get easier, it never fully goes away, and sometimes salt is thrown into the wounds to make it ache again.

[nic]

I just typed out a post and lost it-oh well.

ejs, thanks for starting this thread. I think I posted in your thread on the other board. I hope you're taking care of yourself today. You've been in my thoughts.

BTB, hugs to you. I only hope that your feeling of regret will fade

KimandGino-I'm so sorry for all the loss that you've had to endure over the years. It's ok to feel sad and shed tears. I don't have any kids but I can only imagine how hard it is to know the people you loved won't get to meet your daughter in person. But just think, she'll have a few gaurdian angels looking down on her.
Your Dh sounds like a great guy, don't feel bad about being sad.
p.s. - I lurked in your journal a little on wc

ok, I guess I'll post this then post my own story before I lose this

[T&M'sMommy]

I'm still in grieving mode and its been 2 years. I lost my mom on June 5th 2003. We lost my fil June 2, 2002. Both were unexpected deaths and they were both only in their 50's. I'm going through a lot with my mom's death. Still not 100% what happened to either one of them. My younger brother wants to get a copy of the autopsy report, however I think it might bring up some harsh realities for him. He found my mom dead on the floor. I am basically the only one that goes to her grave besides my dad. I bring the flowers(not my brothers) My mom's parents are still alive, plus she has two siblings. I have never seen anyone there. It really makes me mad that they don't even bother to care. My mom has a flat marker and the grass around it is patchy and yellow. I spoke with the caretaker and they won't do anything about it. I get irked about so many things regarding my mom's death...

Timeline

Mother's Day
Date of FIL's death
1 year and 3 days later...date of Mom's death
Mom's birthday-June 22nd
June 21st...dh gets huge frickin ticket in the US(4700 US)

Now you can see why I HATE the month of June!!

[nic]

I don't know if I'll ever stop grieving.

My mother died of Ovarian cancer when I was 11. My father is pretty old school Italian and wasn't very invloved in my upbringing. My two sisters are 10 and 11 years older than me so they took over the "mothering role" once my Mom got sick, especially my sister Julie.

Then in 2003 my sister, Julie was diagnosed with Melanoma. She passed away in December 2004. She left behind a husband and three young girls. My heart feels like it is breaking as I type this. She was more like a mother than a sister to me. I know this may seem horrible to some but losing her feels worse than losing my mother. Maybe it's just beacuse the wounds are still so fresh though.

[miaclear]

I couldn't even imagine what it will be like when my parents die. I'm so sorry for all your losses.

I lost my brother, my only sibling, in 2002 to a freak accident. Since then my family has become so close, we were before, but now it's like nothing could break us. I fear when I loose my parents I'll be all alone and have lost all that I grew up knowing.

Your siblings are supposed to be with you for life. You expect your parents to die before you and you don't share the things with a spouse as you do with a sibling. All my childhood memories ...I'm the one who has to keep them alive. I'm the one who can't forget them. I'm now the sole responsible person for my parents as they get older.

Sometimes I still can't even believe that I'm here...in this position. It never get's easier...you just learn how to deal with it better.

[ejs]

I don't think we ever stop grieving. It's been described to me as ocean waves: the wave of grief flows out and you feel ok, then the grief wave crashes in and the pain and sadness is intense.

The only positive thing that has come out of this is that my dad and I are much closer. My main parental relationship was with my mom, so it's as if Dad and I have had to start one.

I basically lost all of my mom's family when she died. Things happened during my mom's illness, her hospital stay, and memorial service that pretty much ended my relationships with them. My brother has always been a lost cause and has just gotten worse. While losing my mom hurts the most, I did also lose other people. I went from having a large extended family to having only my dad and DH. It's been a huge adjustment.

I still have so many feelings so I anticipate I'll be posting here a lot: angry posts, sad posts, depressed posts, "life's not fair" posts, and so on.

All of your experiences brought tears to my eyes. Please know that you're all in my heart.

I hope we are able to find some comfort here.

[MurphysLaw]

I still have so many feelings so I anticipate I'll be posting here a lot: angry posts, sad posts, depressed posts, "life's not fair" posts, and so on.


I cannot tell you how many days I feel this way, yet sometimes it's hard to speak this aloud for fear someone may say "well, no one said life is fair"...on some days, words like that could make me rip someones throat out. I think I'll be here a lot too. While I hate to see other people grieving, it's nice to not feel so alone in it.

I have another vent that couldn't come at a worse time. As of Thursday(which I guess is now, but won't seem to be until I sleep/wake up again) it's the 30th...the anniversary of my stepfather's death. On Wednesday, we got a call from MIL. FIL had a liver transplant 7 years ago, it was his 2nd one - his body rejected the first. Well every month they check his numbers(blood tests)...his numbers for May were double what they should've been, and his June numbers were even higher. They don't know if it's Hepatitis or if he's rejecting again. He says he feels great. He looks good, he's not yellowing(jaundice) or feeling weak...he's laughing and carrying on saying that the Doctor's just want more money....or that they miss him....or that they're trying to ruin his weekend. MIL is a wreck, DH & his bros/sisters are nervous. He has to go to Charleston in the morning to MUSC to have tests run...blood tests and a CTscan. DH is saying that he doesn't want him to go because he's afraid of what they'll say. The last time his numbers were bad he ended up having to have the transplant and was in the hospital for 8 months...in a coma-like state. No one thought he would make it and miraculously he pulled through. Now it's been 7 years, 2 years longer than anyone thought he would last...what's going to happen tomorrow??

I have been trying to be strong for DH & ILs all day long, but I can feel it creeping up on me. It brings back so many memories, and all I can think about is watching DH/ILs go through what I went through twice 11/12 years ago. My heart aches. I don't know what else to say at this point.....Please keep him in your thoughts/prayers. And *please*, keep me in mind & HOPE that I can keep it together for DH & his family.

[Candy]

November will be 10 years since I lost my mom to lung cancer. Things have been tough since the birth of my daughter 4 months ago.

I agree that we never stop grieving. It definitely does come in waves.

[maplekitty]

Thanks for starting this up again ejs....I always like knowing if I'm having a hard time that there is a thread like this to come to.

My mom passed away 1 1/2 ago fom lung cancer. I am an only child and my mom was a single parent, so loosing her was essentially like loosing my *entire* family. It's been very lonely in the wedding planning because I feel like I'm the onyl person "representing" my side of the family. I feel a huge feeling of being left on my own and I have a major yearning to have kids of my own so I can once again have a "family".

When my mom was sick I was her caregiver and it was hard taking over the role of nurse while still being daughter. Thankfully we were able to have her in Hospice for the last 5 days and it was beautifully amazing. Her death was a truly spiritual and accepting thing. She was surrounded by all her close friends and family and we were all holding hands and saying we loved her. I couldn't have asked for anything more dignifying and caring.

The road of my grief has been up and down. At first I was very stone-faced and stoaic. I had a lot to do with all the paperwork, finances and didn't have a lot of time to wallow. Finally a year later I broke down and joined a grief support group, because for the first time, I had the *time* to let myself grieve. Grieving is such an important role, and it takes many forms and it happens in so many different ways. For some people it happens right away and they are able accpet things quite quickly, and for others it can take years. But what's most important is that there is no set in stone way to grieve and however one chooses to do it, is right for *them*.

[ejs]

KimandGino, your story really impacted me because my mom passed away 24 days after receiving a liver transplant. My mom had an auto-immune disease called Primary Biliary Cirrhosis (PBC). Nobody knows why she got it, she did nothing to cause it, it just happened. For many years, nobody even knew she was ill. A few years ago, she started getting sicker to the point where she needed a transplant.

maplekitty, I cannot even imagine how you feel during your wedding planning. I know this sounds really silly, but if you want more people to represent your "family" at your wedding, please let me know. Remember we have our "virtual sisterhood" here. And I think this grieving group has an even tighter, more special bond.

[AusMarchBride]

Thanks for starting this thread ejs

My father passed away in 1987 from a sudden and completely unexpected heart attack. He was only 60 and had just retired. The familyt (my Mum, younger brother and I) coped reasonably well, with the normal grief that you would expect.

My mum was then diagnosed with terminal cancer in early Dec 2001, and died less than a month later. She had met my boyfriend (now DH) for which I am very glad, but we were not engaged when she died.

I married my DH about 14 months after she died and I found the wedding planning very difficult without her. My MIL was a wonderful support, but it's not the same.

We have been doing IVF for the last year or so which I would love my Mum to have been around for. She would have completely understood and supported me as she was unable to have children and adopted me (as a baby)and then my brother a year or so later.

Now I'm pregnant through the wonders of IVF :D and I just wish so badly that Mum was around to see me pregnant and have (hopefully) a happy and healthy baby.

I think the hardest part for me, once the raw immediate grief has passed is all the things my Mum and Dad have missed out on in my life and my brother's. It's really quite selfish of me, and I understand that. I miss them for how happy they would have been for me if that makes sense.

I'd give my right arm to have them around.

[Georgiana]

.

I still have so many feelings so I anticipate I'll be posting here a lot: angry posts, sad posts, depressed posts, "life's not fair" posts, and so on.




From what I understand, it's very normal to go what you are going through when you are greiving. So if there is a time you need to angry,sad,depressed posts this would be the perfect outlet for you to do that.


Since this past March, I have had it rough as well. I lost a dear friend of mine. Still this whole thing is so chaotic that I am still having a rough time dealing with his death.
On March 5th he was found dead in his car due to the fact that he was murdered. The worse thing is that they charged his (and mine) good friend of the murder.
I never thought that I would endure such a horrible thing that this is all still surreal to me. Although I am getting better, I still have bad moments when I think about him.
The crazy thing is that we only knew each other for a short time and he is one of those people that he leaves such an impact in your life that his passing is a hard pill to swallow.

When this all happened, I had such a hard time that I was almost put into the hospital because I had such a breakdown. although I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I resorted to seek help outside the hospital. In the days after his passing, I was so afraid and scared, I never ate or slept. All I did was cry and cry. God forbid a cop car go past my home or me being alone.. I was a total basket case. I would get so paranoid that I would basically hide in my house. To make mattrers worse, I was questioned by the police twice -something that scared the crap out of me. I thought that they were going to implicate me in what happened to my friend because his body was found not far from my house(Our friend that was accused of the crime lives in the same neighborhood).

However, I am still in denial over this mess and I stand by my friend that was accused of this and believe in his innocence to no end.

There are times that I get angry because of all of this because of the mess that is left behind because of his death: Greiving people,the accused possibly being accused of something that they did not do. Some of us do not have closure to this because I was too shaken up to go to the service and his girlfirend could not go due to the fact she was in jail for an unrelated situation.

I have to say this is one passing that I will never fully recover from and hope and pray that I never have to endure this again.

[Astara]

First of all, I just wanted to thank you ejs for starting this thread and to also send my thoughts and sympathy to everyone on this thread.

Here is my story: (I am sorry its really long & sad)

My Dad was diagonosed with transitional cancer around 1999-2000. He had this cancer twice previously (it started when he was 30). I was about 17 at the time and just got used to him being sick as the years went by. He became partially bedridden and that of course turned into him being completely bedridden. Well, as I said I got used to this situation and moved from Tennessee to New Hampshire (2003). Last year He had to have one of his legs removed because the cancer flared up so bad in his ankle bone. When I went down to visit last july.. He was so much weaker than I had remembered. He couldnt situate hisself in his bed, he couldnt do anything on his own at all. He let me know how sad he was that he probably wasnt going to make it to my wedding which was in September, and he said how it wasnt fair that he wasnt going to be able to be at either of his daughters wedding's.. that just tore me up inside so badly..it still hurts.. I wanted to get married earlier so badly so he could be there. Anyways I had my bridal shower there, and he watched from his bed in his bedroom at everything happening. I still feel bad because I never went in to talk to him, there were so many other ppl i thought i had to entertain. well that night was his last night at home. We all (me my mom and my grandma) sat in his room talking to him, and he talked about how he wanted to have potpies the next day (he had an extremely small appetite and in the last days he was home, he was able to eat pretty well for him and enjoyed it too). The next morning the ambulance came to get him because he was having trouble breathing. He knew this was it. Everyone stayed at the hospital with him and it was just so sad. He looked at me and said "I am so scared, I just want to run away" and all I could do was look back at him because I knew there was nothing I could say.. I couldnt even hug him because it hurt him to bad. The morphine ended taking away most of his mind, but he was still there fighting. His personality would show through just a little sometimes and one time I said "I love you dad" and he looked at me and said "I love you too" so i knew he knew what was going on.. it just didnt seem that way. Me and someone else would stay up with him all night bc he would wake up and beg for help...it was the most horrible thing and I am so sad that his life had to end that way. me and his family and my mom and my DH where there when he passed. I knew he wasnt in pain anymore, but i couldnt believe it when I saw his life leave his eyes. I think about him everyday and I cry from time to time.. I just feel so bad for the way things had to be for him and that he is going to be missing out on my daughter after she is born.. I am so sorry for telling you all.. so many of these details. I just really needed somewhere to talk about it. I posted about it in my journal on the WC but i was still in shock.. It haunts me so bad and I have a lot of flashbacks over it. Thank you for listening and thank you for creating this thread.

[ejs]

Astara, please don't ever apologize in this thread for sharing your grief! That's why this thread is here. Some people need to share details, others don't. I hope that we can all be comfortable in this thread to say what we want and need to say about our grief.

[annielynn]

This is ironic. I was just sitting here at my desk thinking of my dad when I found this thread. Thank you.

My Dad passed away at the age of 58 on May 20th from ALS(Lou Gehrig's Disease). It has been one of the hardest things in the world to deal with. My Dad was diagnosed in March of 05 but we had all seen his downhill slide for over a year now.

My sister found him, not breathing, on Tuesday afternoon. He was rushed to the hospital where they put him on a breathing tube to assist him. He was in ICU for 3 days total when we as a family had to make the hardest decision of our lives. We all agreed that my dad would never have wanted to live on a feeding tube and ventilator for the rest of his life. I hope that I will never have to make that decision again. Nothing will ever compare. My Dad was so young and it wasn't fair for him to leave us so early.

I will never understand fully why my Dad was stricken with this horrible disease. What is worse I don't think that I will EVER understand why there is little to no research going on to find a cure or a course of treatment for this disease. It causes me such anger to think about it.

I just want to know if I will ever stop crying? Will I ever be able to look at a picture of my Dad again with out breaking down? I miss him so very much.

I have more that I want to type but I just cannot at this time. :(

[ejs]

Annie, I'm sorry for your loss. I understand your frustration about feeling like nothing is being done to find a cure for your dad's illness. My mom had something called Primary Biliary Cirrhosis. I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't heard of it; not many people have. I know this is an awful, awful thing to say, but I think so many more illnesses would get a lot more attention if someone famous came down with them. (Not that I'm wishing ill on anyone.) But look at what Lance Armstrong and Michael J Fox have done for their diseases.

I don't think there will ever be an answer to your "why" questions. And it's perfectly reasonable to to feel like it's not fair. In my view, it's not. I've always thought that the cycle of life was supposed to end when people are in their 90s, not before.

I lost my mom one year and nine days ago. The pain is still as intense as the day she died, but it's not constantly occuring 24 hours a day. And I still cry. A lot.

I wish I could tell you when you'll be able to be comfortable looking at your dad's pictures. I've put some pictures of my mom around the house and it's been ok. But I still haven't been able to look through my wedding album. (My wedding was 8 months before my mom died and it was our last gathering of ALL the family while she was alive.)

I didn't mean to turn this post into my story, but I want you to know that you're not alone. While everyone does grieve in their own way, a lot of things are similar. I've gotten great support here from women who are a bit farther along the "grief road" than I am.

Please feel free to share all of your emotions here. Take care of yourself.

[Brink]

Ironic that I came across this post today. It should be my brother's 41st birthday today. He died a little over 15 years ago when he was 25 (motorcycle accident). Like everyone one this thread, you still can't believe how much it hurts. I've thought about him several times today, but had yet to shed a tear. Then I come to this thread and they are flowing.

You definitely feel a bond with people that have gone through similar circumstances. It does make you appreciate life a lot more and sometimes I find it hard when people are negative about the little things that go wrong. I just have to keep telling myself that they don't know what difficult is and good for them that the small things can still matter.

Anyway, just thought I would say hello.

[LoveYouKisses]

The past two days have been really hard for me, and I just came across this board after being a member of that "other" board for over a year. Then to find this thread is just kind of weird.

My Story:
My dad died last September. He and my mom went on a cruise the week of September 12. They came back on September 17 late in the evening. A couple of months earlier my dad and my sister had gone and gotten their motorcycle licenses. My dad bought a motorcycle about 2 weeks before the cruise. Before he left he dropped the bike off to a dealership in Danbury, CT (I live just about an hour from there) so that it could be checked out while he was gone, he wanted to make sure it was safe to ride on. That Saturday the 18th it was drizzling, and he wanted to go pick up the bike, my mom tried to talk him out of it, but I wanted to go to the Danbury Mall so I talked him into going, bc I wanted his help picking out a birthday gift for my mom (her birthday is 9/23). Sunday morning my dad took the bike to the gym. On his way home, he was hit by a truck, and killed. It was the worst moment of my life when we got the news. I was SO close with my dad. I'm just like him, and I wanted nothing more than to be just like him when I "grow up." He was a senior executive at IBM, and because of him, I have my foot in the door, and am well on my way to having a successful career. Its about 10 months later and It still sucks every day. I miss him more than I could ever explain to anyone. I know that people are going through the same thing as me...but for some reason that doesn't help...nothing seems to help. I've been on a downward slump for the past 10 months, and there is nothing that can be done about it. I have no motivation, and I'm just not happy. I used to be a very happy outgoing person, and all of that seemed to change. I don't know what to do to fix this problem....I wish I did....

Next tuesday would be my parents' 25th wedding anniversary...a year and a half from now I'll be graduating college...And about a year after that I'll be getting married-and I am so angry that I have to do it all without my dad...
The other part of my anger is at the guy who hit my dad...He crossed the double yellow line on a turn and hit him...Then lied to the cops about it.
And now........he's suing us...Have i mentioned the anger???

Brink: I have a question....I live in upstate NY, and this time of year there are motorcycles all around me. Everytime I pass one I get filled with anger and I can barely hold it in....do you feel that? Does that ever get better? I'm so sorry for your loss--I know those words don't help, but I hope you know that I feel your pain....

[Brink]

LoveYouKisses

First - so sorry about your dad. I wish I could say the sadness gets better, but it doesn't. It hasn't for me anyway. The only thing was that after a certain time, I stopped focusing on the sadness of him being gone and started remembering the happy stuff. I make sure not to exclude him from conversations - meaning - if I am out with friends, etc. and something comes up that I might have a funny story about him or something else, I tell it. It helps me to remember the good times and not just remember him on the anniversaries/special events when he is missed so much. It was hard not having him at my wedding and it will be very hard not having him around when our baby is born. With all that said, I hope you find some happiness in your memories and can focus on that instead of the utter sadness of the loss.

As far as the motorcycle goes, my brother was riding without his helmet (stupid, we all know - even him). He wore it probably 90% of the time but this was one of those quick trips less than 5 miles from home. A drunk pedestrian stepped out in the street in front of him and he put on his brakes so hard to avoid hitting him that he flipped over the bars, landed on his head and that put him in intensive care for 2 weeks, which he didn't make it out of. I am still angry at that guy for stepping into the road, he got a broken leg, big deal. Sometimes I do get angry and wish my brother had just ran him over and not sacrificed himself to avoid him. As far as other motorcyles go, I mainly get upset when I see them without helmets. I get the same way when people don't wear their seatbelts or don't buckle up their kids. People don't stop to think of what the consequences of their laziness can do to the people the love. I do want to stop a motorcycle on the street and tell them just what their family would go through if they got into an accident. But, I don't, I just take a deep breath and move on. I think that's about all we can do.

I would be really angry too, especially about the guy suing you. Amazing how some people are. At least our drunk a$$hole just went away quietly. He probably could have sued us since the pedestrian "always" has the right of way!!!!!

I hope things get better for you - sounds like you have a lot of great things coming up in your life, I hope you can find the happiness again.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

I'm glad I found you guys. I lost my brother in April. He'd had a rare disease (cystinosis) that affected his kidneys early in life (my mom donated one in 1980) and he'd been back on dialysis for the last couple of years. It had also started affecting other parts of his body including his eyesight (he was legally blind). And even though we all knew he was sick and he was getting generally worse, I never really grasped the concept that I might lose him. I mean, he was always in and out of the hospital - but he always got out. But that Friday in April (tax day - another reason to hate it), he was in pain and wanted to go the emergency room. My mom tried to talk him out of it but he went anyway. By Saturday, he was in the ICU and by Sunday, they were saying he might not make it through the night. So my DH and I got that call and flew to St. Louis (we live in Jersey) on Monday. Thankfully, we made it in time but he'd been in a coma since some point early Sunday so we never got to talk to him. Well, we talked but he didn't answer. On Tuesday, the ventilator and blood pressure medicines were the only thing keeping him going and he gave up the fight that evening, with all the important family members with him.

It's only been three months but I kept hoping this grief would get better. In some ways, this thread has made me realize - it's never going to get better. I just hope I can learn to deal with it - because I'm not doing that well right now.

Couple other things that are important to know: 1) he was my only sibling and we were only a couple of years apart so we were extremely close; 2) he was only 35; 3) I was a potential donor and for various reasons, didn't give him one - I'll never know if it would have helped or been in time; 4) he had amazing talent and together we started a theatre company that allowed him to touch thousands of young lives who will be eternally grateful; but 5) because of his disease there are many things he didn't get to accomplish in his life, most importantly, falling in love.

I could write more for hours. Being apart from my family is hard. He still lived in our family house with my mother and they were essentially together 24/7. She's a mess now because she feels completely alone - it's a huge change of lifestyle. And now all she seems to care about is me having children, which I want too.

So no one is dealing with it well. And the hardest part is that most of my friends and co-workers were really supportive at the beginning but no one mentions it anymore. It makes me feel like I'm supposed to be done grieving and there's no way. So it's nice to have you guys here to talk to about this stuff. Everyone's stories are so awful - it's nice to belong somewhere!

[jennylou]

Our baby boy, Andrew Wyatt, died at two days old in May. Some days I'm okay and some days, it's very difficult. Sometimes seeing small children makes me smile, and some days it makes me cry - I wonder what our little Drew would have been like at that stage/age. That's all I can write for now.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Jenny, I read about that and I know it's not enough but I'm truly sorry. I think the fact that you have some good days at this early stage is truly amazing! And I know you have an amazing group of people to support you here!

[cpaccione]

I found out a couple days ago that my father died on Wednesday. My mom and dad divorced when I was only 5 (I'm 28 now) and we've had an on and off relationship over my life. He was the basic "deadbeat" dad, never sent child support, rarely contacted us, but I always recognized him as my father. He and I had a bond that was consistent even through years of no contact.

I initiated contact with him about 2 months ago and we started chatting through email and a couple phone calls but never got together. Even though we lived within 10 miles of each other. He kept asking me to get a yahoo account so we can IM each other and play games on the computer but I just "never got around to it." Fathers Day came and went and I thought I should call him then "never got around to it." Now I'm just sick. Why didn't I call him? Why didn't I get a yahoo account...it would have taken 5 minutes of my day. I never called to tell him we were expecting a girl in Oct. He would have been so excited, but nope, never got around to sending an email. I guess I just figured life goes on, we would talk again eventually, but now "eventually" will never come.

There are so many questions surrounding his death. He was found bruised with cracked ribs, but there was also evidence of drinking and prescription pain pills. There is another man involved and police haven't ruled out a homicide yet. We won't have a service for him until police have determined what happened and we get a cause of death. I hate not knowing what happened, did he suffer, was it accidental, I just want to know.

Some people have asked me why I'm so affected since we really didn't have much of a relationship but I really do feel the loss. Especially since my mom has also passed, 3 1/2 years ago, the feeling of not having any parents is tremendous.

Anyway, thanks for letting me get this out. I'm also sorry for everyone else's loss. Hopefully we can help each other through the grieving.

[ejs]

My thanks to everyone for posting their experiences. I know it opens all the wounds to talk about it, but I think we can all somehow help each other through our losses.

Jenn (of JennandBill), you said this board made you realize that it will never get better. My experience has been that while the loss feels just as painful, I no longer feel it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The grief and pain have been described as ocean tides: the pain come in and can be overwhelming, but eventually it recedes for a bit. At some point down the road, it will get better. (By the way, please check your private messages over the next few days; I'm going to send you one.)

Jenny, how strong you are to even post what you did about Andrew. Please know that we're here if and when you're ready to post more.

I'm so sorry for everyone's loss. I hope you're able to find some comfort here.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Thanks ejs, I know it will get better. It already has. I get through the day and then have sad times at night.

One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't get to say goodbye. He went so fast. I talked to him on Thursday night (ironically, telling him about the passing of his college roommate!) and that was the last time I talked to him. That's been one of the hardest parts for me.

I can realistically say that it wouldn't have been any easier if I could have said goodbye. If he had been awake during his last days in the hospital and known how much pain he was in as his body literally gave up on him, I couldn't have taken that. I guess maybe I couldn't have ever said goodbye. I don't know. I just know it hurts.

[PG-rated]

I'm very sorry for everyone's loss. I never posted in the other thread because I felt like my grief was too "old," but the truth is it never really goes away. Saturday (July 9) was the nine-year anniversary of my father's death. He died of a heart attack on the way home from the funeral of my cousin, who died of AIDS at the age of 36. Less than two weeks later, a cousin on the other side of my family drowned at my family's summer cabin in Maine - she was 14. It was a very very bad summer, and I always start to get upset and on edge as the beginning of July rolls around.

This year was especially hard, and I think it was because I just got married, so I've been missing my dad more than usual. Plus right now my aunt (my dad's younger sister) isn't speaking to us, due to a misunderstanding. She and my dad were always very close, and he stepped in and took care of her and her daughter after her divorce. He was a surrogate father to my cousin (her real father is an alcoholic and very unreliable, to say the least), and she was only 4 when he died. Since then my immediate family has tried to keep up the support as much as possible, but now everything is up in the air because of this fight, and we're all worried that our relationship will never be the same again. For the past week all I can think about is how upset my father would be if he knew about this. I know he would be disappointed in my aunt's behavior, but I feel like we let him down, too. If he were here she would've reconciled with him instead of cutting us off, and I feel so bad that we haven't been able to make that happen. If this doesn't get any better I really will feel like we failed him.

Thanks for giving me a place to post this. I hope I can give some support to everyone, especially those with very recent losses. I still remember exactly what it felt like, and I know that it does become bearable.

[Georgiana]

One thing I can never understand is why people want to start drama and fall out when a loved one passes? I am never clear on that. I have seen this happen so much. To me they are ignoring what's most important and that is FAMILY and it is a time to come together to celebrate life of someone well loved.

I am seeing in my FH's family when the inevitiable happens when his parents pass, there will be alot of discord. His parents made his oldest sister Administrator of their will and I think that is not too fair. I think (considering his family -more is middle sister) that they should get an attorney -someone that will have a non -biased approach to their estate. My FH's middle sister is a trouble maker and she will cause alot of drama. I think that she will try to cheat my FH and possibly his older sister (who's adminsitrator) out of stuff. This will be a mess. She is known for causing drama when there is no attention on her. I think that her closness to the sister who's the administrator go a little deeper due to the fact that they are close in age and do alot together, but I know that she will use that to get more from their parents estate. My FH on the other hand wants things fair and he will be happy with what he gets as well as his oldest sister/admistrator.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Not much action in here. Now that everyone's shared their stories, I feel like we can really help one another.

I just got back from a week at home. Had to deal with a lot of my brother's stuff. My mom is still a total wreck and she seemed to cry often while we were there, but never in front of anyone but me. I felt like she was saving it for me. I know her grief is more incredible than mine, because she lived with him and took care of him and her whole life changed and she's alone now. I get all that. And so, when I'm with her or talking to her, I feel like i have to be the strong one. And I dont feel strong enough to be strong, you know? She's barely getting through the days. She hasn't even deposited all the checks people sent to his theatre company in lieu of flowers. I try to inspire her to be strong and try and get through it but it's hard. She's a mess anyway so this just makes it worse.

I brought home a lot of his collectible stuff to sell on Ebay and there's a lot more to go after this round. It's all so overwhelming because he had so much stuff. I thought I could hire someone to sell it but those places charge so much we wouldn't make any money! I just feel like I'm going to be doing this in bits and pieces for years. And it's not fun.

But it's so nice to talk to you guys because I feel like you really know what I"m going through. And it sucks!

[citylove]

I'm sending positive thoughts to each of you right now. My circumstances are certainly different from the purpose of this thread, as my mother died when I was 3 (she was 38) of melanoma which progressed into lymphoma. I grieve more the emptiness left in her absence, since I never knew her. Not knowing her is a grief unto itself.

I wanted to share a book title that some of you may be interested in. It is a mother's exploration of ways of grieving as she observes her daughter dealing with the death of her finance. The author's research and study takes her across the world, through different religions and times. She finds her daughter unknowingly performing many rites of grief that have been in existance for centuries. It is a well written description of the many ways that people grieve - publicly, privately, loudly, quietly, and all things between. It isn't haughty or all-knowing, it just tells what people have done throughout time. It's called The Mourner's Dance by Katherine Ashenberg. Perhaps it can give someone out there some insight and a bit of peace.

[ejs]

Jenn, I don't know if you should think that your mom's grief is "more incredible" than yours. Everyone feels a loss so differently. So please don't compare your feelings to hers.

Starting to go through things is really tough. The famous "they" advises that you shouldn't get rid of anything or make any major decisions in the first year. I guess "they" think that any early decisions would be based on emotion alone.

Remember that you have to take care of yourself along with taking care of your mom. Does your mom have a good support system where she is? Will she consider grief counseling? Have you?

[ejs]

Citylove, your experience completely fits in here, in my opinion. I started this thread so we had a place to grieve the loss of people we love, whether they passed away last month or 30 years ago.

It seems that the grief becomes more managable, but the hole left by the loss is always there.

Thank you for the book recommendation.

[jarm]

My stepmom is coming to visit next weekend. She's had a "friend" for a while, which I've known about. He's coming to visit with her. I have been preparing myself...I'm glad that she has someone new, but a coworker started asking me if I was okay with it. Well, yeah, I was...until she had asked me how I was doing. Hopefully all will go well, though.

[IrisHope]

My grandpa just died this morning. I'm sad but I'm not too in touch with my feelings. He was sick so it's for the best but I can't imagine what life will be like without him here.

[jarm]

Oh, Iris, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather.

[MurphysLaw]

I haven't been by here in a while...I've tried to keep up with reading but haven't really had a chance to post.

I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you all and hoping that the days aren't so hard on you. Sorry for all your losses, and thankful to ejs once again for starting this thread.

**HUGS**

[ejs]

Iris, I'm sorry for your loss. Please know that this thread is here for when you're ready to talk.

[miaclear]

Iris...my grandpa just died this morning too. He was sick with cancer since January and stopped chemo just a few weeks ago. We were prepared too...but it's always hard. I'm so glad to have the memories I do with him. Our wedding was just last fall and he was there, happy healthy and having a great time. That's how I'll always remember him.

[jarm]

Just a quick story on how everyone reacts differently to death. My DH is a 911 dispatcher, and today he had a call from a woman who needed an ambulance for her husband. He asked the lady what was wrong and she calmly told him that her husband was dead. I guess he had been sick for a while so it was expected, but she was calm about it. DH had to let it soak in for a minute. Sure, he's had calls where the person has already passed, but the fact that she was so calm shocked him.

[Georgiana]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss... My condolences goes out to you ladies and your families....

[lawyerlee]

I'm so sorry for everyone's losses. :(

My grandma died last Thursday. We had the funeral Monday, and I'm not doing very well. She's been sick for a few months, so I got to spend a lot of extra time with her, but it doesn't feel like it was enough. I miss her so much. I just don't know what to do with myself.

I was only able to make it to work one day this week and that is a real problem with all the time I've missed for my chronic migraines.

I was just wondering if anyone could share how they kept going / got it together to keep up a normal routine under these circumstances. I have meetings Monday and Tuesday next week that I have to attend, so I've got to figure out a way to be semi-functional by then.

We were very close, and she was a big cheerleader in my life. In a lot of ways, I feel like I was able to fufill her goals in life. For instance, it was always her dream to go to college and study journalism. But her dad died when she was 13, so she couldn't afford to do that. But I did get to go to journalism school and law school. And she was always so proud of me. She shared her writing with me, even stuff she'd saved from when she wrote for her high school newspaper. She was really funny too. Even up to the end, she would joke that she didn't want us messing up her hair or ask my dad to adjust her pillow "just a little bit more" over and over again. When he finally looked at her face, she was grinning her ass off. She was the best, ya know? :(

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Here is the thread I posted when she was sick, just to give you an idea of our relationship.

http://www.constantchatter.com/showthread.php?t=423

[ejs]

Diana,
I'm sorry for your loss. I don't think any of us ever feel like we've spent enough time with someone before they passed. Please don't let yourself feel guilty about this, dealing with grief is hard enough.

I hope you're able to take some comfort in the knowledge that she was proud of you.

I'm sorry I don't have answers on how to go on with your daily routine. I'm still trying to figure that out.

[MurphysLaw]

I am so sorry for everyone's losses....whether recent or in the distant past, they are all wounds that never seem to heal entirely. I wish I had a more positive/healthy way of handling death. A way to encourage you all to be strong in moving on, but I don't and I'm sorry.

When I dealt with these things I was much younger, I lashed out, rebelled, hated everyone for everything and anything. There were days when I didn't want to shower or leave the house, or even my BED for that matter. I completely cut myself off from those around me...I felt so guilty for all the time that I missed out on. At this point in my life, I know that I can't go back and that I should be thankful for the time I *did* have, and try hard not to beat myself up over "what ifs" and "whys." There is plenty of hurt to hold us over without inflicting more pain from carrying the burden of death like it's our own fault. Please don't feel guilty!

The emptiness hurts the most. Without a doubt. The smiles & laughter and all the memories and thinking, knowing that no more will be made to follow. But we wouldn't know these sad feelings if it weren't for the happy ones we made along the way. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind a few weeks back, and it made me think of all the times I *wished* I hadn't gone through the losses and had all the memories of the funerals, all those things that made me cry. That I'd be better off sometimes if I'd never experience any of it, any of my life at all. Wondered what it'd be like to live in someone else's shoes where maybe the grief didn't seem to outweigh the happy times. But I wouldn't trade my memories for anything in the world....not even the bad/sad ones...they've made me who I am. Sometimes it makes me feel so weak to know how many times I've cried and felt my heart literally ache wishing my father was still alive...but it hasn't killed me, so it must have made me stronger right?

I wish you all strength and some sort of comfort.
**HUGS**

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Lots of sadness in here. My sympathies to the three of you that have experienced such recent loss.

lawyerlee, no one deals with these things in the same way so it's hard to give suggestions on how you should get through the day. I went back to work less than a week after my brother died and though I'm not sure how I did it, it helped. In some ways, it helped me avoid reality. But in some ways, it forced me to get on with my life, one day at a time. Getting back to the routine helped a lot. But more importantly, since your grandmother was so interested in you and your work, I think you need to think of getting through the day and your meetings as a way of honoring her, because I think that's what our loved ones would want us to do.

ejs, I'm not trying to discount my own grief. That's the problem. I know how massively terrible I feel. And yet, because my brother and mother lived together (just the two of them) and because she had given up her life to help his achieve his dreams and then to help take care of him, I do know that my grief is small in comparison. I miss my brother but because I live 1,000 miles away, my life didn't change; it's just sadder. Her whole life has changed and she's going through a lot.

I told her about the "year" thing too but in our case, I don't think it's practical. My father's making her move out of the house because he's been paying the pricy mortgage. The only reason he hadn't forced her before is because of how important the house was to my brother. I wish she didn't have to, but the financial aspects are tough. And if we're getting rid of the house, we have to get rid of a lot of his stuff. And my brother had a heck of a lot of stuff. Collectible plates and figures, Broadway posters, and lots more. I am mad at her for getting rid of some of his clothes stupidly. She's been donating a lot of it but she donated some of his Broadway t-shirts to the Kidney Foundation instead of to theatre related charities.

I'm feeling weird lately because days occasionally do go by where I don't think about him. Or I think about him but I don't cry about it. I guess that's good and yet, it feels so weird. Sometimes, I still forget he's even gone?

[BTB]

I'm sorry to not do any s/o's but I'm feeling pretty low today and just trying to keep busy - have been a posting nut during DD's naps, and am trying to only think of fun, frivolous things. Today is the anniversary of my dad's death. It's been 9 years.

I wish things'd been on better terms when he died. The last time I ever spoke to him, he called late at night a few days before he died and given the time I thought for sure it was DH, then BF, except then sort-of ex-BF because we were on the outs (what can I say, we were young!) and I was disappointed it was my dad on the phone. I think he knew that. I've always felt bad for it.

He did wish me well in school - I was going away to college in three weeks - and told me if I ever needed anything, to call him. That was nice, my dad was not much of a positive influence in my life but he was working on turning his own life around and I like to think, had he lived longer, he could've been a much better dad and now, a great grandpa. (not great as in great-grandpa, as in fabulous grandpa). I'm sad he hasn't met my DD, doesn't know I graduated from medical school, and didn't get to watch the Packers win the Super Bowl. I know, that last thing seems sort of incongruent compared to sharing in other major life events, but he would've loved it.

[bookworm]

I'm very sorry for everyone's losses :(.

BTB, I'm sorry you're having such a tough day.

Edited, because I realized my other reply was out-of-date

[Jenn (and Bill)]

BTB, I guess anniversaries are one of the toughest so I'm sorry for what you're going through today. I've been bummed all week because I realized that tomorrow would have been the 25th anniversary of my brother's kidney transplant. And I'm sad because he isn't here to celebrate it.

What's worse and I know that someone mentioned this but when they mentioned it, I thought to myself "oh, that'll never happen to us" but it is. Our family is falling apart. My mother has had huge, major fights with two of her three sisters. One was a month ago and one was just this week. She hasn't been the same since. Her sister basically said that no one liked her because she always bossed them around and that my grandma only put up with her because she wanted stuff from her. Can you imagine saying that to your sister at all? Much less while she's already grieving for her son?

The other thing is that no one is offering her any kind of help. She wants to have a garage sale and sell some stuff in preparation for selling the house and she asked her mom and sister for help and they said no. My father has never offered to help clean out any of his son's stuff. And when either my mother or I have mentioned it, he's said no. I called him last night after this huge convo with my mom and I was furious and crying and I yelled at him for promising me that he wouldn't push my mother to sell the house (he asks her everytime he talks to her if she's sold it - I had no idea) and he doesn't even bother to help her accomplish this goal by going through my brother's stuff. I called him despicable and I meant it. I just think it's the lowest of the low. I mean, granted, they're divorced. But it's still his son?

I'm so mad at the three of them (my dad, grandma and aunt) for doing this to my mother. She's still grieving or barely begun to do so and now she has to do with worrying about people not liking her and not helping her do this. My dad thinks that since he has Parkinsons and his balance and strength aren't what they used to be, he can't do anything. Um, you could sit in a chair and go through boxes couldn't you? It's not all heavy lifting. He had almost nothing to say when I yelled at him and I was crying so hard I hung up on him.

I don't know what to do. I tried to help my mom a little when I was there but it was tough to fit it all in with everything else we wanted to do. Now I think I have to fly back there for a weekend soon so that she gets some of the help and emotional support she so desperately needs. I want to call the rest of the family and tell them what I think of them but my mom begged me not to call her sister and mother cause she's afraid I'd make it worse. Good thing she couldn't stop me from calling my dad. UGH! I don't know what to do and if anyone here who's gone through anything like this, has any suggestions for me, I would love to hear them. It's hard to go through this, especially 1,000 miles away!

[usafwife]

Please forgive me as I haven't read through the entire thread. I'm sorry for everyone's losses.

Diana ~ Sorry about your grandma. I lost my grandma (my last living grandparent) five years ago this December. Her death (as did my other grandma's) happened days before Christmas so that holiday is difficult to get through. I try to make the best of it though. And some years are better than others. In the days and months following her death were difficult. I tried to get through them as best as I could. It certainly wasn't easy but I took one day at a time. My grandma and I were very close. I saw her everyday of my life. And then to have it gone was quite a shock. We only had a day or two to prepare for her death. When I got married I longed to have her there that day.

BTB ~ Sorry that you had a bad day. I know how tough anniversaries can be. We had to go through one of our own just this past week.

Here's my story: We lost my FIL in May VERY unexpectedly. We had been by to visit him on Saturday evening and then the following Monday he was gone. I was 8 months pregnant at the time. I had a hard time dealing with his death. As did other family members. Now DH is left without his parents. His mom has been gone 15 years this past January. Now our DD and our future children won't get to know their grandparents.

I went through the mad/angry feelings. I questioned why it had to happen when it did. Why couldn't he have lived long enough to see our DD be born. Now she won't get to enjoy him, hear the stories, interact with him, and all those special things that grandfathers do with their grandchildren.

The day that DD was born was difficult. He was going to be the first one to hold her (after DH and I of course). But sadly that didn't happen. He was suppose to have been there that wonderful, joyous day to celebrate with all of us. I know that he and DH's mom were looking down on us from above but it's just the same. I tell DD all the time that she has 2 guardian angels watching over and protecting her.

[DiscoDiva]

I miss my Grandpa. :( He died July 5 of this year - about 6 weeks ago. I got to say goodbye to him, we walked out of the house, and he died. I miss knowing that he's not in this world anymore. He was such a good person. He was man of honesty, integrity, and kindness. I don't think he had an enemy in the world, and everyone that knew him thought highly of him. I'm so sad. I also feel so sad for my Grandma. She and Grandpa were married for 65 years. The were each other's life. I can't imagine how empty her life is right now without him. She sent me a letter yesterday, on which she wrote, "I really miss him." That just makes me cry. I can't imagine the lonliness in her heart, and I cry just thinking of her. I'm crying right now. I don't know if it's for me, for Grandpa, for Grandma, or for everything. The weird thing is that while I never lived close to my grandparents, I have such an emptyness knowing that Grandpa is gone. I miss him terribly and I ache for Grandma. I think of her in that house, all alone, it makes me grieve for her..... I'm sorry if this is so depressing, I just had to get this out. I love you Grandpa - please look down on Grandma and take care of her. Please hold her hand when she's lonely and kiss her when she cries. Please be there to welcome her when she passes and gets to see you again.

I have to go, this is too hard....

[Regina Phalange]

I am very sad today so when I saw this thread I thought it would be comforting to know that other people are feeling pain with me...but all for very personal reasons.

This month is the anniversary of the death of my father. He killed himself when I was in 3rd grade and I'm now 22 and always around the end of August I feel terribly sad and usually can't explain it until I realize what the date is. Some years are better than others but this years sadness is compounded by the fact that my fiance is oceans away from me. We got engaged on July 2nd of this year and on July 23rd he left to teach english in Japan for one year. I miss him terribly and now that I am sad thinking about the loss of my father, the pain of missing my FI is even more harsh. Today is FI 24th birthday which makes me even more sad knowing that I can't be with him on his birthday. I'm at work right now and wish that I could just crawl under the desk and have a nice cry for a few moments.

Missing the two most wonderful men that have ever touched my life!
:(

[MandyMaloo]

It took me awhile to actually come into this board. I have no idea why- maybe because I can't admit to myself that I am actually gieving- or maybe becuase I don't even want to be in this position.

Here's a little background. My parents divorced when I was in 8th grade. It was messy, and my mom moved to another state, and my father spent all his time at work. I basically ended up living with my best friend and her family. I ate over there, spent the night, did homework, everything. They were my family. Even extended family became family to me. Anyway, besides my best friend they had another daughter ("B") and a son ("N"). They were both younger, and I love them both so much. N is autistic- very high functioning though. B was born with holes in her heart and lungs and was on the transplant list.

That's the background. Anyway, I moved away, but kept in constant contact with them. When I moved into my fist actual apartment in college, they came up to visit me. We had an awesome time, and B looked like she was feeling pretty good.

A week after they left and went back home I got the worst call of my life. B died. The worst part is that all my college friends kept calling me the night before, so I turned my cell phone on silent so I wouldn't have to deal with them. That morning (4am) she passed...and my "family" was desperatly trying to get in touch with me. I didn't get in touch with them until noon. I feel horrible about that.

I still havn't come to terms with this. I'm still VERY much in shock that she's not in vacations with us, or that she doens't call anymore. It's coming up on a year- and it's hard to think we've gone this long without seeing her.

I'm sorry--I know I must sound like an idiot...it's just hard. I've never lost anyone this close before--and I really do feel like she was my sister. I really miss her.

Anyway- thanks for listening.

[Vorian's_Leronica]

I'll just say that Its comforting in a morbid way to know that others share a similar pain.

My story is long and I don't feel up to sharing it right now. well maybe it isnt so long, but, not today.

[ejs]

Welcome to all of the new posters here. Thank you for sharing your stories with us. I hope you're able to find some comfort in this thread.

DD: Sorry to hear about your grandfather. I'm glad you were able to see him so soon before he passed, but I know that doesn't lessen the pain at all.

FG: How awful about your father. I can't even imagine that. Is there any way you can spend some of this year overseas with your FH?

MM: The end of June was the one-year anniversary of my mom's passing. The time leading up to that date was so tough. Things didn't miraculously get easier after that, but it helped to know that all of the "firsts" without her had gone by. Don't call yourself an idiot for your feelings! As all of us here can attest to, losing someone sucks and it causes us to experience so many different emotions. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Regina Phalange]

EJS: Yes, I am very lucky and will get to spend the entire month of January, plus a little, with my FI in Japan. We are also very lucky that we have video chating where we can see and hear eachother, real time, online. Without being able to see him once a week online or getting to visit him midway through his stay, I don't know how I would handle it. I have more and more respect daily for my good friend who's husband is in Iraq...and for all families who have loved ones overseas. I don't know how they do it. At least I am comforted knowing my FI is not in line of fire.

[PaisleySloan]

It's a comfort to know that I'm not alone. Life just breaks my heart sometimes.

This all started on July 29th. My dad hadn't been feeling well. They admitted him into the hospital on August 3rd and we lost him on August 17th. It happened so fast that I'm still reelling. I can't believe it. We just laid him to rest yesterday, but I'm in a state of shock. I'm walking around my mom's house in a dream state - family pictures everywhere. It's just so hard.

What makes it worse is that my mother is under the impression that this has only happened to her. I understand she lost her husband, and have tried to be a comfort, but it is not reciprocated. If I have to hear "I've had a hard week" or "today has been very trying on me" I'm going to scream!! She says this in the same breath as she is berating my brother, his wife and I for not going to work all week, or taking a valium, or not putting a trash bag in the trash can when we returned from burying my dad (because a trash bag is something that is really on my mind). I was crying for a bit last night after everyone left, and she looked at me and said, "what's wrong" (!?!) and I answered, "just thinking about dad and missing him" and she said "me too, but we have to move on." HELLO! This happened four days ago - FOUR DAYS!

She's a creature of habit and her way of coping is to walk around bi***ing about us using the wrong towel, but in the grand scheme of things, this is NOT important stuff to me. I try my best to make things as easy as possible for her, to be supportive, to do dishes, put food away, anything to make her happy and it's not enough. And to make it worse, I can't grieve here. We'll be going home today, but man - yesterday was the longest day of my entire life.

Whew, thanks for letting me vent.

[lawyerlee]

I'm so, so sorry, PaisleySloan. What a terrible loss. :( Please don't let anyone else set your grief timetable. My family has been doing this to me a bit, too. And while I know it is their way of coping with the loss and seeing me upset, it doesn't help a darned thing. Sometimes it makes me really angry, actually. If I didn't have my therapist to talk to about that, I don't know what I'd do. Because whenever my dad asks me what is wrong with me, he does the same thing your mom is doing to you. And it hurts me more.

I hope that going home and being able to grieve this loss in your own way will be helpful to you. I know there is nothing that can really help what you are feeling, but please know that you are not alone in your feelings. Take care.

[Vorian's_Leronica]

when I was in HS I was one of those girls none of the guys gave the time of day to. Middle of my freshman year I got a crush on one of the "bad boys" in school. He was tall, gorgeous, blonde and always in trouble. He of course had no idea I existed.
I had a friend that knew him and one day introduced us. no big deal really, he said hello, I stuttered. end of conversation. A few weeks later he was in a huge brawl and ended up going to the hospital. I called a friend of his(looked up his number in the phone book) and he gave me his number.
When he came home from the hospital i called him and I was surprised that he remembered who i was.
We developed a phone friendship. when he returned to school he would say hello and whatnot. I was thrilled.
the school year ended.
the new year started. he was expelled a couple of months into my sophomore year for carryin a concealed weapon ( a knife) in his boot.
WE continued our phone friendship.
He was into drugs and drinking and his parents would kick him out on a regular basis. I started sneaking him into my room and giving him a place to crash. during this time i was kind of like his "mom" telling him he needed to stop drinking and doing drugs and all that. Of course I still had a major crush on him but i was too shy to say anything.
meanwhile the girls at school spent their time talking about him, how bad he was, how no girl was safe around him etc. I never saw any of that.
One day I screwed up my nerve and told him I loved him. He hugged me and told me i was a good friend. I was devastated.
ourfriendship continued through out high school even though he never came back to school. one night shortly before I graduated he called me. He had quit drinking and was having a hard time. he called me in tears, feeling like crap and told me how no one cared for him except me and didnt understand why I even bothered. I told him because I loved him. To my surprise he told me he loved me to. I cried the rest of the night. months passed and i hadnt heard from him then one day I was at a water park with my parents and i ran into him.

We talked and laughed and finally my dream came true, he kissed me. I gagged. i couldnt believe myself. 4yrs of pining for him and he finally kisses me and I found it disgusting, yet at the same time my chest hurt like crazy and all i could think was how much I loved him. he gave me his ring, i gave him my necklace, we promised to keep in touch.

A few months later I moved out of my parents house and got an apartment. One day i get a call from my mom that he had stopped by her house looking for me and gave her his number. I called him, he said he wanted to talk to me could I come by his house. I of course ran out of my apartment and drove over.

His beautiful long hair was buzzed short. and he told me he was leaving. He had decided to do something with his life and he was going into the army in a few months. I was thrilled for him. I wanted him to get clean, to have a good life and fat babies. we hugged and said our goodbyes, promising to look each other up in the future.

I never heard from him again. I moved to another apartment, I met my late husband and moved to the other side of the state and life just became complicated. But i never forgot him. I thought about him often and prayed he was doing well, even though something felt wrong to me.

7 yrs passed. my husband was dead, i moved back to my hometown. being back made me think of him even more, it became constant. finally i called his parents house and asked how he was. His mother asks who I am and how I know him. I give her an overview and she says "oh, I'm sorry, I dont nkow how to tell you this, but he's dead. He was killed 7yrs ago."
I cried for 2 weeks straight. I was heartbroken, and I felt responsible. I dont know why, but I did. I went to the cemetary and brought him flowers and said my good byes and then i came home and spent 2 days in bed ill and in tears.
That was 2yrs ago. And it still hurts. And i blame myself for not having called or found out sooner. what kind of friend am I?? I blame myself for not having been there for him always, for not having convinced him to get clean sooner. For not doing everything I could to make sure he was ok. For not telling him I loved him from the beginning. for not telling him "the hell with the army, lets run away and start over"
i dont know. I blame myself for so many things. I know I'm not responsible for his death or his life. But it doesnt change the pain I feel. I ent back to see him last month and bring him some flowers. I cleaned around his headstone a bit and I told him all about my kids and my husband and my new home. since then I keep finding quarters in my laundry, that happened the last time I went to see him as well.
He was always asking for quarters for the payphone.
I miss him so much. Even though I hadnt seen him in so long, I never stopped thinking abouthim. thinking and believing that he was somewhere on this planet just like me.
He was never my boyfriend, he was more than a friend and he wasn't a crush. its unexplainable really what it was about him that made such an impact on me to affect me so much after so many years. he was special in so many ways. he was sweet and caring and sensitive and funny. I can still remember every little thing about him, from his faded RHCP t shirt to his baby soft hair and the smell of his cologne.
I dont even have a picture of him, but I dont need one. I still see every single line of his face and the flecks of green in his hazel eyes



I'm very sorry this was so long and if it doesnt make sense, its a very long and complicated story and very painful to me as well.

[ejs]

PaisleySloan, I'm so sorry about your dad. I know how painful it is to lose a parent.

It's so hard when others in your family are grieving in a completely different way than you are. Your mom might view it as she's all alone, but you and your brother have each other and your spouses. She might be focusing on chores around the house so she doesn't have to focus on her pain.

Please grieve in whatever way is best for you. Stay in bed and cry. Pound pillows. Go for walks.

Please know that we're all here for you.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Paisley, I agree with ejs. One thing I've known is that everyone deals with loss differently and we all grieve differently. Your mom clearly needs life to keep moving on. My dad was like that after my brother died. He wanted to go right back to work and he doesn't ever want to talk about it.

I'm glad you'll get a little distance from her so that you can deal with this your way. It's not supposed to come easily so do what you need to do.

I myself am having a really rough time all over again. In a couple of weeks, we're having a second memorial for my brother in NY (the first one was the week he died in St. Louis). Since last week when I proofed the invite, I've had a really tough time. I'm distracted at work and seem all consumed by him and this event. I check the evite a hundred times a day waiting for RSVPs, I'm putting together a slide show that forces me to look at his happy, healthy face and that's just brutal. This weekend, I'm flying home to help my mother clean the house, have a garage sale, clean out my room. I thought I was getting better and for the last week, all I've wanted to do is burst into tears.

[PaisleySloan]

I just wanted to thank everyone for all the kind words and thoughts. They mean so much to me. I've been such an infrequent poster lately, but I promise to be around more often.

Jenn, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. I know it's hard. I saw my therapist this past Monday and we talked about the "rollercoaster" of grieving: some days you feel "better" others, you just want to shuffle around the house in a bathrobe and slippers with a box of tissue tucked under your arm! What I pulled out of our session was to just go with it. Like ejs suggested, "pound pillows" if you need to. (the visual of me doing this made me giggle a bit)

My bosses basically said I could have the week off, so I've been taking full advantage. Plus, I'm a marketer - the last thing they want is me visiting clients while I'm a blubbering mess, although my male boss (who has no tact) told me to "use it" the other day. Maybe he thinks I'll get us some pity clients! LOL I worked twice this week; once with a co-worker and the second time for a short bit in the office. I have to say, I prefered the latter because I feel like I don't want to bring anyone down - so I felt the need to be "normal" when I worked with my friend. I was exhausted by the time I got home. The funny thing is how we put this need to be normal on ourselves - she knows what's happening, she knows I'm grieving, and I feel like I need to entertain her - it's just odd.

I'm glad to know that my mom isn't the only person who feels the need to set other people's grief timetables. She's infuriating! She's been calling me at home at like 4pm, and I'll answer and she'll say, "don't you have a job" or "home again?" She can't stand the thought of me being at home doing "nothing" - <gasp>!!

My therapist and I agree that she's always been a bit jealous of me - let me try to explain. She is an obsessive compulsive, control freak narcissist. She is constantly cleaning and going non stop. No one is forcing her to do this but her own personality. She needs to be in control of every situation. She chooses to live her life like this - I don't. I clean, when I feel I have to. I know how to relax and have fun - she doesn't. Even her vacations are tedious - she has a schedule she must adhere to! I think I should create a "Got a narcissist for a mom?" thread! I think I remember posting in one on the WC. LOL

Anyway, you are all in my thoughts! Thanks again for listening.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Paisley, I think you're doing the right thing. Trying to work a little bit but not full time. It's a good way to not lose control of everything. I wish I could have done that.

I was home for the weekend, helping my mother with a garage sale and cleaning out my room. It's not very fun when people try to bargain for your personal belongings! She's hoping to sell the house and move in the next couple of months. A whole new thing I have to deal with as a result of my brother's death. And next week is the memorial in NY. Not sure how I'll get through it but hopefully, I will.

I guess what's weird for me is that some days are fine. And some days, I catch myself saying "He can't really be gone, can he?" And then I have to go through it all over again. And I know my mom is going through the same stuff. Man, this sucks.

[ejs]

Jenn, how was your brother's memorial service in NY?

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Ejs, thanks for asking. It went really well. Lots of college people but many others from different phases of his life were there. We had some people sing and lots of people talk and share their stories of Mark. It was really nice. And I have to say, I'm really glad it's over. It took such an emotional toll on me preparing for it and the family that came to visit for it.

So I thought I was doing better since it's over and I can get back to normal. But I was at the doctor on Friday and he asked if anything had been bothering me lately. Needless to say, I burst into tears as I told him. So....I guess I'm not OK! It's amazing how and when it hits you.

[KarenS]

Thank you all of you for sharing your stories and being here. I'll add mine as well.

My father died one week ago today. He had bone cancer that spread to his lungs. Two weeks ago he was feeling fine and talking about going on vacation with his wife after the chemo ended. Then on Friday my brother called and said "he's not doing well, you should try to come down next week if you can". They had signed hospice paperwork and were going to bring him home. I made plans to leave on Monday afternoon and my husband went ahead and took a week off of work. We were driving down and had stopped at a town in Mississippi for dinner. I called to see how he was doing and my brother told me that he'd died 20 minutes earlier and they had been just about to call me. I never got to see him or say goodbye.

I talked later to his wife's daughter (S). She told me what happened. They brought him home at 5:30 and got him set up in the bedroom with his medication and oxygen. At 7p.m. his wife (K) was in the room and my brother and S were holding dad's hands. He asked them to remove his mask and they did. He said "I think I'm dying." And S said "Yes, you are. It's ok." He said "Ok. Where is everyone?" S said "We're all here and Karen and Kevin are on the way." He said "Ok. That's good." And then he died.

I'm still in shock about it. When I got there on Tuesday morning they had already taken his body and all the medical equipment had been removed. It was like he never was there. It all feels very surreal to me. I cried for 2 days and now ... I'm just sort of numb.

He wanted to be cremated and so that's what we did. I plan to go back when we decide what to do with the ashes, but it's not soemthing we have to decide right away.

My mom died nearly 6 years ago, very suddenly of a heart attack. Very few of my family are left and only 1 person who I am close to and who I talk to with any regularity. Can you be an orphan at 38?

Karen

[IrisHope]

Karen, I am deepely sorry for your loss.

[DiscoDiva]

Oh Karen, I'm so sorry.

Unfortunately, I know what you mean when you said "orphan." I have a very small family, 2 siblings and none of us have kids, and we lost my grandfather a few months ago. That made me realize that my family would soon start shrinking. Without kids to keep the family going, we siblings and I are the end of the family, and our family name. It's a very sad thought. I wonder if it's why I always tended to gravitate towards men with large families. Were they a 'replacement' for the large family I never had? I'm so glad DH has a big family and I finally have a niece and nephew. Sorry to wonder off topic a bit, but when you said "orphan", I knew what you meant. :(

[Georgiana]

Next Monday on the 26th starts the trial of my friend's murder. This whole thing has been so sad and trying for me, although I have gotten better at dealing with his death but at the same time I am so hurt that a mutual friend of ours was accused of the crime along with his g/f .. Her trial is the one that starts next week. I am not going to the trial at all. I do not think I can handle this mess. I still do not believe the the accused are the ones that did this and I am so anxious to what the outcome will be.

Since this whole nightmare has happened, This has consumed me 100%. I cannot rest peacefully knowing that someone that was a dear friend of mine is gone and the ones that stand accused of this are going through hell and having to deal with this.

I'm still afraid to go out at night alone and I still feel the hurt that I felt the night I found out about this mess...

[Georgiana]

Thank you all of you for sharing your stories and being here. I'll add mine as well.

My father died one week ago today. He had bone cancer that spread to his lungs. Two weeks ago he was feeling fine and talking about going on vacation with his wife after the chemo ended. Then on Friday my brother called and said "he's not doing well, you should try to come down next week if you can". They had signed hospice paperwork and were going to bring him home. I made plans to leave on Monday afternoon and my husband went ahead and took a week off of work. We were driving down and had stopped at a town in Mississippi for dinner. I called to see how he was doing and my brother told me that he'd died 20 minutes earlier and they had been just about to call me. I never got to see him or say goodbye.

Karen

((((My heat goes out to you sweetie.... )))))

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Karen,
I'm sorry for your loss. I know about not getting to say goodbye. When my brother died in April, he went in to a coma on Sunday and I got there Monday. So I made it before he died. But I didn't get to say goodbye. It's hard to live with because I don't have any closure. But also, it may have been easier. I'm not sure I could have said goodbye. It sounds to me like your dad knew you were close and that was enough for him. Try to take some comfort in that. And you can always say goodbye, he just won't be able to respond.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss!

[tinkerbelljenny]

Karen I am so sorry for the loss of your father.

[PaisleySloan]

Oh Karen, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. You are in my thoughts.

[claribella]

I'm so sorry for everyone's grieving...thoughts and prayers to all.

May I share my greiving?

We recieved sad news last nite. My Best Friend of all my life is losing her battle with cancer. She is like my sister. Our mothers were best friends and were pregnant at the same time, we were born two months apart.

She is being transferred home to rest and her mother is setting up a hospice.

Her doctors give her one week...I'm in tears all the time.

I would appreciate your prayers. Thank you.

[KarenS]

Thank you all. I so appreciate the words of kindness.

Claribella - I'm so sorry about your friend. I have lost both of my parents and all of my grandparents, but I've yet to lose a friend - someone close to my own age. That, I think, is a whole different type of grief and loss. I'll keep you and your friend in my prayers.

Karen

[MurphysLaw]

I haven't been in here in a while...thanks to everyone for sharing!

FutureGallucci - I'm sorry you are sad and feeling alone. I hope you're able to be with your FI soon!

MadyMaloo - I'm sorry for your loss as well. You do NOT sound like an idiot. It hurts to lose ANYone that you're close to. I hope that getting your feelings out here helped some.

PaisleySloan - I'm sorry about your mom's reactions. I hope you're able to "go with it" like your therapist says....I still have days when I feel I have no choice but to mourn. It takes SO much energy to act "normal" like you said.

Jenn - I'm glad your brother's memorial was a nice one, and I'm hoping things are getting easier now that it's over. Mourning a loss is taxing in itself without having additional responsibilities to deal with.

Karen - I'm so very sorry for the loss of your father. Even more sorry that you didn't get a chance to say goodbye. My thoughts are with you!

Georgie - Is there any new news of the trial? I hope things are getting a little easier on you & not so consuming.

Claribella - I'm very sorry about your friend, I'll be thinking of you and your friend & sending prayers your way.

________________________

October 1st is around the corner and it will be the 12 year anniversary of my daddy's passing. I'm starting to panic about my reaction to it this year. I thought Father's Day would be easier this year because of my pregnancy and getting to share it with DH as a HAPPY day for us. When I went through my usual month of mourning I realized I'm still weak to the memories.

I keep telling myself that it will be DD's 2month birthday, that's enough celebration in itself to conveniently "forget" but I have a feeling I won't be that lucky. The more I think about it, the more upset I get that he's not here to watch her grow up or see her smile. That she'll never know anything about him except what he looked like and what I tell her. That yet another year's gone by and I sometimes I still. feel. alone. I try so hard not to dwell on this but it keeps eating at me. I keep asking myself, "what am I going to do?" In regards to the anniversary. And what about her first Christmas. And her first birthday. What if something were to happen to Gino's father, she wouldn't have a grandfather at all then. What if something ever happened to Gino, what would I do if she had to go through what I'm feeling right now? I know I can't go through life thinking about all these "what ifs" all the time. I just can't help worrying that I won't be able to keep myself together for MY sake, let alone anyone elses.

It's been nearly 12 years and I keep waiting for it to get easier, better somehow. Waiting...waiting.....waiting.........

[KarenS]

Kim,

I'm sorry you're still grieving. I wanted to ask - have you thought about seeing a counselor to talk about this. I know that everyone grieves in a different way and on a different timeline, but it seems to me that after 12 years going thru a month of mourning every fall and having those continued worries is not good for you or for your baby. My mom died .. um .. I have to think ... 6-1/2 years ago and while there are days that I do miss her and think about her, I rarely *grieve* any more. I'm able to think about her happily and remember the good things. I hurt for you that you can't do this about your father, because being able to think of my mom and not grieve has been a huge step for me and a blessing. I can share her with my friends and family (and someday my child, when we have one) and not fall apart and hurt. I look forward to the day when I can do that about my father too.

You said it "keeps eating" at you. I think it might be a good thing to talk to a grief counselor at this point. I"m not at *all* saying "get over it" becuase I know how stupid that concept is. You don't just "get over" loss of a parent. But I do think that getting help with your feelings is ok. I talked to someone for a few months after my mom died and I will probably go back to my counselor to talk about my dad's death, given the unresolved issues we had. It's not a thing to be ashamed of and it really really really does help.

My thoughts are with you, too!

Karen

[MurphysLaw]

Thanks for the thoughts and suggestions Karen, I really appreciate it. I have seen a counselor/therapist before, but I'm not so sure that's what I need now because it's not a constant ongoing thing through the year. My month long grievance is from Father's Day through July 10th when I celebrate Father's Day, my father's bday(6/25), the anniversary of my STEPdad's death(6/30), and then my stepdad's bday(7/10)....all within a month of each other. I often think about my dad and all the good memories, and I've done it plenty with smiles and laughs. It's not always bad...I guess certain times of the year just make me feel extremely weak that's all. I think I'll be able to share that with DD once she's old enough to understand, I just grieve FOR her now I guess, does that make sense?

[MtySheera]

Kim,

I completely understand what you go through each year. It has been 17 years since my father passed away (I was only 13). It never fails that I end up crying every Father's Day, on my dad's birthday, and on the day he died. Like you said, I think about my dad often and talk about funny stories with my family. We laugh and smile, but there is always the saddness that we will never have any new stories to tell that include him.

When my DS was born, I cried so much. I will tell my DS how wonderful his grandfather was, and how much we all loved him, but it makes me so sad to know that he will never meet him. I did name my DS after my dad, and hopefully he will know how much strength, courage, and love is behind his name.

To tell you the truth, I think of my father more often now since I had my DS. I'm not sure if it is because of the changes in hormones or what, but even as I type this, I have a few tears.

It sounds like you and your father had a strong bond and you loved him a lot, and I'm sure your DD will see that through the stories you will tell her.

I'm not sure if you are religious at all, but I like to think that my son has his grandfather as a guardian angel now, and he will always watch over him.

[KarenS]

Kim. Totally makes sense. DH and I are still not sure if we'll have kids (not out of not wanting them, but just situationally we may not be able to) but I suspect that I'll go thru a whole different round of grieving for my parents, both individually and together, when and if I ever get pregnant.

I still think talking to a counselor might help with that - you're going thru a whole different type of grieving now when you factor in your baby and how it changes your feelings about the loss. Having a third party to help you work through that might help.

Whatever you decide, my thoughts are with you! :)

Karen

[jarm]

I needed to vent a little bit...not really vent, but get some things off my chest. First of all, a little recap. My mom passed away from breast cancer when I was 12. My dad passed away three weeks to the day my DD was born. I debated whether or not I would have a second child as I associate having a child with losing a loved one. In any event, I just recently found out that I am pg with a second child, and ever since, I've been having these awful thoughts and horrible dreams.

In one the other night, I had breast cancer, and they didn't know if the chemo would hurt the baby or not, but if I didn't get the chemo, I definitely would've died. It was just bizarre, scary, etc.

The horrible thoughts that I have is that someone special/close to us is going to die after this child is born. I am petrified, and then I will feel like it's my fault.

I guess I just need someone to help me realize that these feelings are actually somewhat normal to have given the circumstances.

[claribella]

I just wanted to say thanks for the support.

I saw her yesterday with some other of our friends. She is in good spirits and we and her family are working on making her comfortable now.

Please visit my LJ (in my sig) for more info and pictures.

My other friend and I have been talking about this alot and we just don't know how to feel. We are trying to comfort each other.

[kate]

I have just found out that my 8 year old cousin is losing his battle with cancer. He has been fighting it for almost 5 1/2 years. I have been in a fog ever since I heard the news. I don't understand why this has to keep happening to my family. We lost his older sister last December from cancer, his mother 3 years ago from cancer, our grandmother almost 10 years ago from the same horrible disease. I don't understand why God picked my uncle to go through all of this. He has lost every important woman in his life, mother, wife, daughter, and now his is losing his son. C doesn't deserve to die this young, but when he goes, he will have family waiting for him in heaven, he will not be alone. That brings a great peace to me. It will all get better, but it hurts so much right now.

thanks for listening to me ramble on.

[Georgiana]

Georgie - Is there any new news of the trial? I hope things are getting a little easier on you & not so consuming.




Today was the day it was supposed to start.. But I have heard nothing on the news or anything... I'm not sure what the heck is happening... Like I have always thought, they (the police) do not have a leg to stand on I think that is why there is nothing being said or done at the moment...

Today I have been strangely calm. I just knew when this day came around I would be at wit's end. It still plays in the back of my mind but I am handling alot better than I thought.

Kim,
I feel kind of like you when thinking about my loved ones that have gone. when the anniversaries of their deaths come around I feel horrible and get really depressed. Sometimes it gets to a point that I even re live the moment I was told of their passing. My friend that has just passed I relive those moments everyday when I was told he was gone. It makes me feel insane. It's been six months since he left us and It still stings like the day it happened. I did the couseling thing, I did the "personal goodbye" thing but nothing has worked for me. This is not to discourage you from seeking avenues to help you cope with the loss of your father. I hope you find some inner peace.

[KarenS]

Hey - just wanted to post and see how everyone was doing. It's getting to be autumn-like around here and the holiday decorations are coming out and I know that holidays are especially difficult for a lot of us.

I had a hard time a few days ago - I posted about it in my journal, but the short version is that I found a couple of cards I'd bought to hang on to for my dad's birthday and it really hit me hard when I realized that I'd never send those cards to him. Bleah. It was a tough day and it was strangely hard to throw those cards away (they couldn't be sent to anyone else as they specifically said "dad" and referenced his particular hobbies). But the last wweek or so has been much better - I've been really busy and that's helped a lot.

I hope everyone else is doing ok!

Karen

[PaisleySloan]

Karen,
Thanks for checking in on us. My family and I have been coping with my dad's death. It's hard to belive it's been two months since I've talked to him, hugged him, kissed him and just told him I loved him. I miss him daily and cry pretty much at least once everyday. I just miss him so much.

Most of you won't belive this, because I don't belive it's happened and I was there! My mom passed away one Tuesday. We're all in such a state of shock and utter disbelief. My brother and I and our families have been up at mom's since Monday. We were supposed to come up for dinner the Sunday prior, but she was feeling under the weather and preferred to have the house to herself to rest. Turns out, she had a massive case of pneumonia. She was so far gone - her entire right lung was filled with fluids and her blood pressure was so low. I should've forced myself to come up and see her so she didn't spend that last day alone, but none of us had any idea of the severity of the sickness. She had just gone to the festival and to dinner with friends the day prior. She had been pushing her symptoms aside and just plowing through her million to-do lists. After she was in the hospital for a few hours, they were having trouble getting oxygen to her system. We think she may have suffered some brain damage during that time. Her pupils were fixed and dilated for hours - and we decided to take her off the blood pressure meds, and all meds. She passed about ten minutes afterwards. She was still on the respirator, so it didn't help.

Anyway, that's my story. My brother and I are orphans (we're both adopted too, when I mentioned that we were both orphans, my brother said "again."). It just breaks my heart.

Will write more later.

[DiscoDiva]

PaisleySloan I am so sorry to hear about your losses.

[keiranzma]

One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't get to say goodbye. He went so fast. I talked to him on Thursday night (ironically, telling him about the passing of his college roommate!) and that was the last time I talked to him. That's been one of the hardest parts for me.

I can realistically say that it wouldn't have been any easier if I could have said goodbye. If he had been awake during his last days in the hospital and known how much pain he was in as his body literally gave up on him, I couldn't have taken that. I guess maybe I couldn't have ever said goodbye. I don't know. I just know it hurts.


This is me. I lost my father 7 days before Christmas, 2002. I was going home to Cali for xmas the NEXT DAY the night my brother called to tell me he had a heart attack. I don't think I've EVER felt pain like that, not even when I lost my oldest brother in 1993. I don't remember much after I got the call, my DH says I was crouched on the floor moaning like a wounded animal, for hours. I don't even remember packing my clothes, getting on the plane OR the 5 hour flight from Maryland. What hurts me the most was that I was gonna call my dad from work earlier that day, and I said, "Nah, I'll just wait to see him tomorrow." So I never got to say goodbye, or have the "last conversation." Sometimes the depth of my pain, almost 3 years later, takes my breath away. I see so much of my dad in my little boy, I sometimes have to avert my eyes from looking at him, b/c it hurts me so much that he never got to meet his grandson, whom he would've ADORED.
So many days I want to pick up the phone and tell him what my son did today, or ask his advice, and it hurts that I can't. Thankfully, I still have my mom, but it's not the same. I am unashamedly, and proudly a Daddy's Girl.
We were closer than close.
I remember thinking I would NEVER be able to look at the holiday season again the same, as Xmas was my daddy's favorite time of the year. After my son was born, I knew I had to change my attitude, but it has been TOUGH. I am really almost dreading xmas this year, but I know I have to suck it up for him.

[KarenS]

I don't remember much after I got the call, my DH says I was crouched on the floor moaning like a wounded animal, for hours.That struck so close to home.

My mom died very suddenly almost 6 years ago. I had talked to her on the phone the night before, but it wasn't anything in depth - just a chit chat and "talk to you later". When my brother called to tell me (my dad couldn't), I held it all together until I flew home. That night I slept on the floor of my mother's closet - it was dark and quiet and private an smelled like her. I remember lying curled up on the floor hugging her bathrobe and crying - not loud crying, just weeping. I don't even know when I fell asleep. I just remember waking up hearing my father calling for me - I hand't slept in the bed and he didn't know where I was.

It's the most awful feeling in the world.

Karen

[Georgiana]

I was reading the newspaper and I saw that my friend whose accused of killing my other friend was in court. According the the paper, his trial will start in November...

When I saw that my heart sank. I wanted to just start balling like crazy. At this moment all the rush of memories are now back like the day I found out about all of this. I simply cannot function too well at the moment because of all of the feelings that are coming back: The hurt, the loss, the sadness, the anxiety... I can't stand it.

[PaisleySloan]

Thanks DiscoDiva for your kind words.

I have to say, I'm still in shock. It's been a week since mom passed. Our lives have changed forever. After the wedding, I thought we'd be on a high for a bit, but I lost both parents within two months.

I'm the trustee for their estate and I have to say, it totally sucks. I'm so worried about everything. I want to do do the right thing by my brother, but I'm afraid he'll squander his portion of the money, which he will, but he's an adult and what can I do? So, in addition to grieving, I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Has anyone had to do this trustee work?

[DiscoDiva]

I'm the trustee for their estate and I have to say, it totally sucks. I'm so worried about everything. I want to do do the right thing by my brother, but I'm afraid he'll squander his portion of the money, which he will, but he's an adult and what can I do? So, in addition to grieving, I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Has anyone had to do this trustee work?
I would do what your parents would have wanted. I agree that your brother is an adult, and if he chooses to squander the money, there's nothing you can do about it. You are not your brother's keeper. Divide the estate as your parents would have wanted, and don't feel as if it is your job to tell your brother how to spend his money, as it's not. Your parents didn't make you the trustee to stress you out. They did it because they knew you would take care of it as they wanted.

I wish you the best.

[ejs]

PaisleySloan, words cannot even express how my heart breaks for you. Life just seems so unfair at times.

On a personal note, my mom's brother died unexpectedly on Monday. I'm not ready to deal with my mom's family. I don't know how I'll cope with going to a memorial service.

[PaisleySloan]

Wanted to check in on everyone. EJS, did you go to your uncle's memorial service? Are you okay?

I'm slowly adjusting to the idea that I no longer have parents. All I can say is it's surreal, and more painful than I could ever imagine. Monday and Tuesday were horrible days for me. I started crying Monday evening and couldn't stop. I thought about the Christmas picture we take at my uncle's house every year and how last year's picture is the last one of it's kind. I was able to sleep thanks to my doctor - but I woke up feeling like hell.

We've been driving up to my parents' house every weekend to start breaking up the estate. There are just too many things to be hasty about getting rid of them. Of course, my whole problem seems to be attachments I've formed to certain things that I know I don't need, but I can't help it. They remind me of my childhood, my mother, my father, the dog - whatever gives me that feeling of closeness to them.

My husband and I have decided to give notice on our apartment and move up to their house to take care of it and break it up. It will be hard at first, but once we get our things in, it'll become more like our home. We may decide to purchase the house when all is said and done, but we don't know yet. My commute will be pretty hairy, so we'll have to try it and see.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the holidays? I'm dreading them.

[KarenS]

Paisley I'm so so so sorry. I wish there was more to say, but I know there isn't. The holidays are hard - especially the first ones. My mom died in 1999 and I was a basket case that holiday because I remember talking to her about NY2000 and how cool she thought it was and how exciting to be alive at the turn of the millennium (yeah, I know 2001, whatever! :)). And then .. she wasn't alive. It was worse than I thought it could be.

But it does get better. It really does. It just takes time ... and that's the lamest most unhelpful answer in the world, but it's true.

My thoughts will be with you and all the other women in this thread this holiday. We will all get thru it!

Karen

[nic]

Paisley, I'm so sorry for both of your recent losses. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

ejs, I'm sorry about the passing of your uncle. Did you attend the memorial services?

I'm really dreading the holiday season. Actually, I'm dreading the next 2+ months. Halloween marks the unofficial "beginning of the end" of my sisters battle with cancer. She was very sick when Halloween rolled around last year but she was still able to give a few trick or treaters candy and get herself a drink, etc....

November 5th she was admitted to the hospital but not before she stopped off to vote and to Build a Bear so she could make bears for her three girls. My other sister and I called my Dad in Florida and told him it would be a good idea to come home for a visit (which he did). My sister was released from the hospital shortly before Thanksgiving with Hospice care.

December 1st her husband and Hospice decided to medicate her (not sure what it was) so deeply that it seemed like she was in a coma. December 4th my other sister and I went to visit and to take my niece out for her 12th birthday. My sister passed away the next day.

After she passed away I was in a huge fog, I wasn't depresssed last Christmas, I think I was in shock even though she had been sick almost 2 years. This year is different, the realazation that she is gone is very real and I think this holiday season is going to be a sad one.

I know I should be coming in here to offer others support and I realize my post is a downer but I'm just really bummed out right now.

[ejs]

Yes, I did go to the memorial service. It's what my mom would have wanted and it was the right thing to do. I spoke to the widow, her children, and my dad... that was it. Thanks for asking.

Paisley, the first holidays will suck. My dad and I agreed that we wouldn't do Christmas. It was a big holiday to my mom. Dad spent Christmas Eve at a friend's vacation home in Carmel, where he and Mom used to go a lot. DH and I hung out at home. On Christmas Day, Dad came to our house and the three of us had a nice meal and exchanged small gifts. He gave me framed wedding photos of him and Mom.

My mom collected angels and put them all around the house in the holiday season. So last year I bought two to carry on the tradition. That was my tribute to my mom.

My advice is to do what is best for you, not what you think society expects or what other friends and family think you should do. I felt badly that my DH couldn't spend the holidays with his family on the East Coast, but I just could not "celebrate" them. And DH understood and supported me. If you want to celebrate as you always have, go for it. If you want to ignore them this year, go for that. Do what you need to do for yourself.

Nic, please don't feel that all of your posts here have to be supportive. This is also a place for people to share and vent and be sad and angry and happy. We're all here to get through our losses together.

[DiscoDiva]

I agree about the holidays. Do what you want to do and don't worry about what others think. If you don't feel up to doing the whole holiday thing this year - don't do it. If you choose to have a private holiday alone with DH, and no tree, that's fine too. If a big holiday with a lot of people around makes you feel better, do that. You have to do what's best for you.

[carolc]

Hi,

I'm posting partly for me, but more because I am looking for ways to help my husband. HIs father died last week. It was basically expected (he had been ill with cancer for some time) but not quite this soon.

The week we spent with his family in Maine for the funeral, etc was kind of surreal. There was so much going on (including 3 young kids in a small house) that there wasn't much time for grieving or talking about the death. I don't think my husband has made himself a space to really think about his dad--I think he's avoiding dealing with it as much as possible. Is this a normal "guy" thing? I just don't know what to do--he seems to want to avoid the subject but I can't help thinking that he needs to talk about it and cry about it.

As for me, this has been harder than I expected in a lot of ways. I was not close to my FIL. We didn't have a bad relationship, but he had been ill a long time and "absent" emotionally even longer. I'm surprised by the depth of the grief I feel, and sort of almost embarrassed. I know that's dumb, but when you're crying at the funeral and your husband isn't, you feel odd. I almost feel like my DH is going to think I'm ridiculous. I know that sounds weird. :confused: I think a lot of it is about my feelings regarding my daughter, who I just feel is so young (not even two) to have lost a grandparent. I feel so sad for her.

[ejs]

From my experience, many men tend to keep their grief inside. They seem to think they need to be strong and not ask for help or break down. Don't push him, just let him know you support him.

As far as your grief, it's fine. Your FIL's death might have triggered something in you that's made you aware that your own parents will pass away at some point. Does that make sense?

[DiscoDiva]

I cried a little when visiting my grandpa on his deathbed. We knew his death was coming and I was prepared, and of course sad. But it didn't really hit me until six weeks later, and that's when I really broke down and sobbed. For some of us, it takes time. If you look at my first post in this thread on page 2, that is when it really hit me that he was gone. Something about putting my feelings down on paper (or here, typing them) made it suddenly so real to me.

[jarm]

carolc - The most important thing to remember is that everyone grieves differently. When my father passed away, I pushed DH away. He tried to push his way back in, and it made me resent him even more. Once he gave me my space, I was okay. Of course everyone was a little nervous for me as I had just had my DD three weeks prior, so that could be why I felt I didn't get the space I needed.

Try to feed off of what he's giving to you. Don't pressure him...don't push him, but most importantly don't ignore him. If he wants to keep busy, help him keep busy. If he wants space, give him space. It'll hit him eventually...I found with my mom (which was expected) that the funeral and all was easier because it was expected. With my dad (totally unexpected), I was numb for so long. I'm still numb. The other night I wanted to pick up the phone and call him, but I couldn't. I almost did, too.

Please keep us updated on how you and your husband are doing. Good luck! And I'm sorry for your loss.

[carolc]

ejs, yes, what you said about my parents totally made sense...I know I was having those thoughts.

jarm, thank you...I'm trying really hard to give him his space, but part of me is afraid he's just burying this and that it will fester. I know it's partly just that we deal with things differently, but some part keeps feeling like I'm not doing my "job" as a spouse, or something.

[ejs]

carolc, something that you can do is find a local grief support group. If you're active in a church, they might have one. Or do a search for one in your area. (I live in a metro area so we have a few grief counseling places.) Some places have drop-in groups, so you don't have to sign up for a series of groups. Anyway, tell DH that you're going to go to one because his dad's death has been tougher on you than you thought and ask if he wants to go. If he doesn't, don't push him. But if he does, he might find it helpful.

[PaisleySloan]

Last week was probably the worst week I've had since my mom passed. In addition to grieving the death of my mom, I've begun grieving my the death of my dad all over again. It's all so overwhelming. I topped off the week last Friday with a trip up to their house; as soon as I opened the door it all hit me again - WHAM!

We spent the weekend going through their bedroom. My mother had discarded/donated all my dad's things already (except for a few keepsakes), so we only had to deal with her clothes. I spent hours crying over her clothes. I cried over her cheesy holiday sweaters and vests that no one will wear this year. I cried over her shoes, robes, aprons and anything else I came across. I'm finding that I want to keep things that don't make sense, just because they belonged to her.

Two of my mother's close friends stopped in yesterday. It was nice to be on the giving end of comfort for a change. I'm usually the one everyone is comforting. I'm actually a bit tired of being the 'sad girl.'

My husband and I were talking the other night and we realized that we've only been married for a little over four months. With all that's happened, it seems like that day, that one perfect day, was years ago. It just breaks my heart that they're not here anymore. I miss them terribly. I can't even believe how much things have changed.

[KarenS]

I spent hours crying over her clothes. I cried over her cheesy holiday sweaters and vests that no one will wear this year. I cried over her shoes, robes, aprons and anything else I came across. I'm finding that I want to keep things that don't make sense, just because they belonged to her. Aw, honey! I did the same thing. Smelling her clothes just knocked me flat every time. I'm so sorry. Not much else I can say except I know what you're feeling!

Karen

[PaisleySloan]

Aw, honey! I did the same thing. Smelling her clothes just knocked me flat every time. I'm so sorry. Not much else I can say except I know what you're feeling!

Karen

Thanks Karen. It's nice to know that someone else has been through the same thing. It sucks because my support system is vast, but I've never felt so alone.

When I was looking through her holiday shirts/vests, I entertained the thought of actually wearing one this year as a tribute. Now THAT'S scary! I thought better of it and packed them in the "yard sale" pile! :)

[ejs]

Paisley, most grief books/counselors say that you should wait at least a year before making any major decisions, and many of them include giving things away in that. Is there any way you can put your mom's things in storage for a bit and then down the road decide what you want to give away and keep?

My parents had regularly donated to their town's battered women's shelter, so we donated many of mom's things there. I kept some of her sweaters. I kept the cardigan she wore the night we had to rush her to the hospital. I was so sad the day I realized it no longer smelled like her.

[KarenS]

Thanks Karen. It's nice to know that someone else has been through the same thing. It sucks because my support system is vast, but I've never felt so alone.I know exactly what you mean!

FWIW, I kept my mom's bathrobe because it smelled so like her - that combination of shampoo, perfume, powder, and just .. her smell. I actually put it in one of those vacuum seal bags and kept it in the bottom of my dresser for a long time. On the anniversary of her death I remember sitting on the sofa at about 3 a.m. wrapped in her robe and watching sections of my wedding video with her in it (the only video I have of her and the last time I saw her) and listening to her laugh over and over and over again. DH came out, checked on me, and then let me be ... becuase he knew it was what I needed.

Karen
karen

[PaisleySloan]

Paisley, most grief books/counselors say that you should wait at least a year before making any major decisions, and many of them include giving things away in that. Is there any way you can put your mom's things in storage for a bit and then down the road decide what you want to give away and keep?

My parents had regularly donated to their town's battered women's shelter, so we donated many of mom's things there. I kept some of her sweaters. I kept the cardigan she wore the night we had to rush her to the hospital. I was so sad the day I realized it no longer smelled like her.

Thanks for the tip ejs. My husband and I are going to move into the house so we can effectively go through her things. This way, we'll be able to really take our time going through her cupboards of which she has tons. She literally has something in every nook and cranny. We'll stay up there as long as we need to.

Her clothing is something that I definitely don't want to keep - however, I did nab a sweater, a couple of scarves and a t-shirt that remind me of when I was growing up. We're also donating to a battered women's shelter that she regularly donated to.

Also, she was an sewing aficionado and worked with a charity called Project Linus. They donate blankets to families in need. She made about 100 blankets in the year she worked with them. So, we're donating yarn, fabric and batting to Linus in her name. She'd be thrilled with that.

Karen, that sounds so therapeutic and what a great hubby you have. Mine has been awesome too. Just keeping me sane - well, as sane as I can be under normal circumstances.

Thanks for letting me come here and vent. I know I'm not a "regular" poster (I'm more of a lurker), but it really is helpful to be able to feel welcome.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Hey all. It's been a while since I posted and it's so sad to see more new faces in here! I made it through the six month anniversary of my brother's death but not without some extra tears. It's hard and there are still so many times when something good happens to me that I want to share it with him and then I realize I can't.

I, too, am totally stressed about the holidays. Thanksgiving is really close and I'm worried about how the family is going to deal with it. I need to celebrate with my dad's side of the family, my mom's side of the family and my husband's family. But my mom's side of the family is small and I know that if it's just me, DH, mom, grandma and the aunt we don't like, we're going to be miserable and there will be a big gaping hole in our life because of my Brother's absence. So my MIL has invited them to her house. I think the extra people will help my mom get through it but I won't know until we do it. I hate that I'm already worried about Thanksgiving and Christmas and that I feel required to hold the family together when I can barely hold myself together. But what can I do?

Now to the new age section of my post. My therapist often asks if I have any dreams about my brother or any sense that he's in my presence, any signs. And I haven't. I have just recently had a couple dreams he was in but they were just everyday kind of dreams and nothing major. Has anyone else?

She even suggested I talk to a psychic to see if I could talk to him. And I never believed in that but now I kind of want to believe it's possible, if that makes sense. There are a couple of books that were reccomended to me about George Anderson's conversations with the dead that were suggested because they might bring comfort. So I ordered them. couldn't hurt, right? I'll keep you posted.

I just wondered if anyone else has considered any of that. It seems so silly to even write this because I'm not generally into that stuff.

[KarenS]

Hey Jenn. Wow. That just sounds weird to me - I've never heard of a therapist suggesting you consult a psychic. It sounds like it's not something you've even ever considered, so why would your therapist bring it up.

I have to say, if my therapist had suggested such a thing to me after my mom died, I'd have been really upset and angry. I don't want to "contact" my mom and I especially don't want to be taken advantage of by a possibly phoney psychic. I guess that tells you where I stand on the issue tho: even if a psychic I went to "contacted" my mom, I'd be very sceptical of the whole thing.

I remember that I dreamed about my mom periodically after she died, but nothing that I could really remember or that was striking. Nowadays I don't dream of her at all that I can remember.

Karen

[jarm]

15 years today...15 years since my mom's been gone. I can't believe it! I've been living without her for more years than I lived with her.

[ejs]

I, too, am totally stressed about the holidays. Thanksgiving is really close and I'm worried about how the family is going to deal with it. I need to celebrate with my dad's side of the family, my mom's side of the family and my husband's family.

But Jenn, you don't NEED to celebrate it with anyone. If you need to just skip this holiday, do so. You need to do what is best for you. Your family needs to respect your need to grieve.

As fas as having dreams about my mom, I didn't for the longest time. I couldn't "sense" or "feel" her. Everyone else said they could do it with their passed relatives, but I couldn't. I'll admit it frustrated me. Then one night I had a dream and she was in it. Now I have them every so often. Some nights I wake up crying from them. Other nights, they're just regular old dreams.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

ejs, I guess I'm supposed to feel like I have that option but I don't. I always go home for the holidays and if I didn't this year, they wouldn't get to be with either of their children which would be extra depressing. So I'm going to go home and hold the family together. There doesn't seem to be any other option for me. But I know my brother would want me to do it that way. He'd kill me if I left my mother alone!

[nic]

Jarm, I'd know I'm a little late but I wanted to stop in and see how you're doing.

My mom's been gone almost 20 years (January) so I can relate to feeling really sad about living more of my life without her than with.

[ejs]

Jenn, does your mom even want to do the holidays this year?

I can only share my experience with you. Don't assign yourself the role of being caretaker of everyone else. Taking on that role is a way to prevent you from coping with your own grief. It's really important for you to take care of yourself.

[Georgiana]

The Trial for my friend's murder started this week. Needless to say I am a wreck. All the feeling that I had when he passed are back again. Today I had an anxiety attack and just broke down crying. My FH does not see it the way I do and he not being too supportive. All he says is "Oh Well".... So to keep the peace in the house, I simply don't talk about it as much as I need to vent and get stuff off my shoulders.

I have such a hole in my heart regarding this and it seem like moving on is so difficult. I haven't been, nor am I going to the trial. I simply can't handle it. My other friend that's the one that is accused of this mess I feel so bad for him as well. It seem like there is no one out there in his corner. I want to see him and make sure he is okay, but I can't. My FH would not tolerate that.

I feel like a lost soul at the moment. I just feel horrible.

[magrat]

We got a call late last night that my FIL has had a massive brain hemorrhage and they don't expect him to survive. He's only around 55 and my DH is 25, too young to be losing his dad. Plus DH is in San Francisco on business and his family is in England. He's on a flight to Minneapolis right now and I'm trying to arrange our flight to London. On top of everything else, DH just got his letter saying he has been approved as a permanent resident and he's not supposed to leave the country until he gets a special stamp in his passport. There's no way anything will be open on the weekend so we're just going to have to go and hope they'll let him back into the country :(

[MandyMaloo]

Hi everyone. I think I posted awhile back about the death of a close friend/sister. I am reading some posts and am sad, but in a way, happy, that I experiance the same feelings as everyone else in here. It's sad, because I hate that everyone here has also lost someone so incredibly close to them, but on the other hand, I am happy to see that the sadness I feel is something that many people experiance, even years after losing someone.

Just as a recap: My best friend's sister passed away last August 31st. When my parents went through a pretty tough divorce, I basically lived with their family. My mother moved to another state, and my father worked almost 24/7. We had been close before (since we were best friends) but we became sisters after that. My best friend has a younger sister and a younger brother. Anyway, I recieved word the day after Becca passed through a text message (I had turned my phone off since my college friends had been calling at 2am drunk). I have so much sadness and guilt attached to this. I miss her very much. We had a strange connection. Becca felt as if no one ever liked/noticed her, but she was able to open up around me (mostly becuase she considered me family.)

The holidays are incredibly tough. I know that we went through it last year, but it still hurts. Every sad song I hear, I think of her. I miss her so much at Christmas and Halloween (she loved both).

I was wondering if I may offer some advice for Jenn. Forgive me if it's not my place. I just wanted to lend my support. I see you lost a sibling. I can only tell you about my personal experiances: the first Christmas (or every holiday for that matter) was horrible. Christmas wasn't the same. Everyone cried. No one knew how to act. I encourage you to help yourself first though. My best friend took on the role of comforter, and I didn't see her cry (except at the memorial service). She let it all build up, and the bottle eventually just eploded. I don't think she ever dealt with Becca passing on. Just remember that you don't need to make everything better. It takes such a long time t deal with a family memeber's passing. I am keeping you, your family and your brother in my thoughts this season...just hoping it all goes well for you all.

Thank you for having this board to come to. It helps to share with other people. Thanks for letting me share :o

[nic]

Hi All,

I justed wanted to pop in and see how everyone is doing now that the holiday season is upon us.

I'm doing ok, I think. The 1st anniversary of my sister's death is 12/5 so I know it'll be a hard day. I recently found out that my BIl has a serious girlfriend so that's been a little hard to swallow, but I'm trying.

I hope all is well with everyone else.

[PaisleySloan]

Hi all,
I saw some active posts, so I thought I'd share how our holidays are going so far.

My husband and I moved into my parents' house the weekend before Thanksgiving in order to finish breaking everything up.

Even living in the house is bizarre because it's starting to look like our old apartment! I feel much better having my things here then running up here every weekend and being surrounded by their things. It's slowly getting better. We were thinking of buying the house, but I hate it up here and the drive is going to kill me. I'm in the car all day for work anyway, and when you tack on an hour commute (each way), it just kicks my butt!

Thanksgiving was difficult, but we all muddled through. My mom & dad always hosted Thanksgiving, ever since I was very little, so we had to try to duplicate her recipes (which we did quite successfully). When my uncle said grace, it was just so hard to keep it together and none of us did!

Also, we found out a few weeks back that we're having a baby! Can you believe it?! I feel like it's a blessing and gives us some joy to revel in this season. We've been so focused on looking back at what we've lost the past few months, it's nice to look forward to someone new entering our lives.

Needless to say, I still think of my parents daily. I miss them so much, especially when we heard about the pregnancy. The first thing I wanted to do was tell them, but I have a feeling they already know. I'm getting choked up just writing this, so I'm going to close for now.

I hope you are all doing well. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

[ejs]

PaisleySloan, congratulations on your pregnancy! I know that a baby will never replace your parents, but it's nice that you'll be carrying on their legacy.

I hope the holidays were manageable for everyone. I only left the dinner table once in tears.

[DiscoDiva]

My Grandpa died in July, and while I miss him so, I really feel for my Grandma. They were married 65 years! I can't imagine how lonely she is. I try to send her a letter or card every once in a while. I sent her a Thanksgiving card, and she sent me one back. She signed it "Grandma (and Grandpa)". So sad, I really hope he is there with her. Outside of sending letters and calling, there really is nothing else I can do, since she lives so far away.

[PaisleySloan]

Got some bad news today. I started spotting last night, we went to the doctor for an ultrasound and unfortunately, the baby hadn't grown at all and was still measuring at 6 weeks, (should've been 9), and the heartbeat was gone. <sigh> Being that this one was a surprise, we'll try again in a couple of months after we've put the house on the market and moved back down to civilization.

Oh well, looks like I can drink egg nog this Christmas after all!

Disco, I can imagine how hard it is for you to see your Grandma alone. 65 years! How awful to feel like you've been "left." My mom said that she was mad at my father for "leaving her" after 40 years of marriage. I think your calls and your letters really bring her so much joy. It's hard when relatives live so far away. :(

Good luck to everyone this season, and I'm always checking this board for new posts!

[ejs]

Oh Paisley, I'm sorry.

DD: does your grandmother have a good support system? A church? Friends? A local senior center?

[DiscoDiva]

Paisley, I'm so sorry.

My grandma is active in her church, and has her church women's group, but outside of that, a lot of her friends are now gone. Her and grandpa used to tell us how they had some groups they used to do reunions with (Pearl Harbor Survivors, their high school class, etc), but they said that the reunions were dwindling as there just weren't many people left. Plus, many of her friends from the neighborhood are gone, have moved in with their children, are in nursing homes, etc. Grandma is 85 and amazingly active for her age, but I don't imagine her living alone much longer. Our closest relative is her daughter, who lives a 3 hour drive away. I just can't imagine the lonliness she feels. :(

[ejs]

DD, has she expressed her loneliness? Or are you just assuming she's experiencing it? I'm sure she's missing him, but is she lonely to the degree you think? I ask because sometimes older people cope much better than we think they will.

[DiscoDiva]

DD, has she expressed her loneliness? Or are you just assuming she's experiencing it? I'm sure she's missing him, but is she lonely to the degree you think? I ask because sometimes older people cope much better than we think they will.
She has said a few things in letters about how much she misses him. I don't know how lonely she feels; can we ever really know how another feels? I do know that they started 'preparing' for this kind of thing about 5 years ago, as they'd make comments to us about how they wouldn't be around forever, how we should let them know if there is anything in their house that we want, etc. I know they have discussed that they would be facing this soon (regardless of which one, as his death was unexpected). But still, to lose your partner of 65 years must be like losing half of yourself, you know?

[ejs]

DD, I completely understand. My parents were both 64 when my mom died, and they had been together (from the time they started dating) for 50 years. The first six months were very difficult for my dad, but then he seemed to be able to cope better, much better than I thought he would. So while I was spending my time feeling so badly for him, in reality, he was managing pretty well, even though he was still grieving. Does that make any sense?

Guinivere, what is your DH like? Has he considered individual counseling? Or a grief support group? Would he do better with a book? There are so many different methods for managing grief.

[tinkerbelljenny]

PaisleySloan, I am so sorry for your loss.

[PaisleySloan]

Paisley, I'm so sorry.

My grandma is active in her church, and has her church women's group, but outside of that, a lot of her friends are now gone. Her and grandpa used to tell us how they had some groups they used to do reunions with (Pearl Harbor Survivors, their high school class, etc), but they said that the reunions were dwindling as there just weren't many people left. Plus, many of her friends from the neighborhood are gone, have moved in with their children, are in nursing homes, etc. Grandma is 85 and amazingly active for her age, but I don't imagine her living alone much longer. Our closest relative is her daughter, who lives a 3 hour drive away. I just can't imagine the lonliness she feels. :(
Thanks so much everyone. Your words touch me. I'm doing well today - it could be the caffeine high, but I do feel better much better than I did last night. Thank gosh!

When my Pépère passed in '83, my Memère, (French for grandpa/grandma - my husband, who questioned the spelling of these names once, looked it up and the translation of "Memère" is actually "aging woman" - wtf?! I digress.), ended up moving to Cali. from MA with my family in '87. She just LOVED it here: joined a senior community center, made trips to Vegas and Laughlin, was always having lunch with her girlfriends. She thrived until she passed in 1995 :(. I do feel like while she had fun and kept busy, she was really just passing the time, you know? I guess my point is after so many years, it's only right that you feel a tremendous loss. It's so hard to help fill that gap, because no matter what we do, we can never replace someone's spouse.

I think you can take some comfort in what ejs said:
...while I was spending my time feeling so badly for him, in reality, he was managing pretty well, even though he was still grieving.
That is so right on! I'm sure it doesn't apply to everyone, but generally it does...as time passes of course.

Whew...go caffeine!

[angelraven]

I have lurked in this thread for a really long time. It's so comforting to those of us who can't find the words to post what they're feeling to come in here and read the support that all are giving to each other. It's also been a good reminder that I'm not alone. I think I am ready to try to post my story.

Specialists often argue about the exact age that a person starts to collect memories. My earliest memory is from when I was aged three. We lived in a tiny little house next door to my grandma and shared 90 acres of wooded land with many ponds and abundant wildlife. My mom and I would often explore the woods as she would teach me all about the different tees, what animal footprints were from, how to catch minows, and how to use landmarks to find your way back home. To this day, I can go anywhere in those woods and be able to navigate back to Grandma's house with no problems.

When I was five years old, my younger sister was brought into the world. Mom made sure that I felt important and wasn't left out. She still made time to play with me, sing with me, and laugh with me.

My parents' marriage wasn't so great, though. My mother and father argued constantly, and my mother started seeing someone else. I remember the morning after my 6th birthday when she came into my room and told me to pack some clothing and a few favorite toys into a trash bag because we were going on an adventure. I had no idea what was to become.

That day was the starting point for a huge downward spiral for my mom. We moved every few months to new places. The guy who she'd been having an affair with came with us, too. However, my mom soon met someone else she found more interesting and dumped the other guy. The whole time this was happening, my dad was trying to to find us and to think of ways to find help for my mom and help for their marriage.

To make a long story short, her life was in shambles, and my dad finally took custody of my sister and me. We were to visit Mom one weekend a month and alternating holidays.

When we would go visit, things would be good until around 5:00 when the drinking started. Then, it would be hit or miss as far as what kind of mood she was in. Along the way, she remarried and had another girl and a boy, my half sister and half brother.

As time went on, things just kept getting worse. When I was 15 years old and my younger sister was 10, my mom accidentally slammed my sister's hand into a van door. It swelled up and turned purple fast, but my mom insisted that she did not need medical attention. At this point, I made a very important decision. I called the police and DFS on my own mother. I also called my dad and step-mother.

That was the last time I saw my mom. After that, my dad sued her for full custody and demanded that she sign all her rights away. She did not show up for any court appointments, so my dad won.

Fast forward to 2002. It was my senior year of high school. Things were falling into place for me. It was four days before I was to compete at the district debate tournament and go to my Senior Prom with the man who would become my husband. We got a phone call from my uncle that my mother was in the hospital and it didn't look like she was going to make it. At first, we didn't believe it. She'd pulled stunts like this before, so we didn't make anything of it.

A couple days later, a police cruiser showed up at my dad's doorstep to relay the message the my mom was dying. How they got the police to come tell us I'll never know for sure.

I had so many mixed feelings. I felt like I should go and settle the score with her- let her know that I never hated her. However, she never once tried to write to me or call me or have any sort of contact. She GAVE UP her parental rights like they meant nothing to her. Why should I skip some of the most important events in my life for someone who wouldn't fight for me? Therefore, I didn't go.

She died at 8:30 p.m. on April 13th, 2002, from liver failure due to her destructive life style. I was at the Cheesecake Factory with my husband (then BF) and two other couples dressed to the nines for prom. My husband had tried to get me to go see her, but I wouldn't. That night, though, I sensed that she was gone before I even knew for sure.

The next day, my dad woke me up. He told me that my mother was gone. I did not react at all. I didn't know what to feel, so I felt nothing. I was just plain numb.

The funeral was the first time I let myself feel the anger, the bitterness, the sadness, and the debilitating grief that had built up for for 4 years. I realized that it wasn't in April of 2002 that I lost my mom, it was many many years before and I just hadn't realized it. After that, it was very apparent to me that it was not going to be easy to cope with this loss.

They say time heals all wounds, but in my case, it has seemed like it's been opposite. For the longest time, I blamed myself. I had tried so many times to get her to leave my step-father and to stop drinking and doing drugs. But what if I would have just tried one more time and it would have worked? I know now that it is not likely she would have ever left and the decision I made to leave was the best thing I could have done for not only myself, but for my sister as well.

Now I am dealing with the pain of just not having had a mother for so long. It seems that as I grow older, there are more and more instances where I feel like I need her to be there. My wedding was really hard to get through. Every Christmas is hard to get excited about because I can remember the twinkle in her eye as we opened our presents from Santa. Every time my husband and I discuss having babies I think about how she would have loved to be a grandma and how she would have loved to teach them the very same things she taught me. It's just plain hard.

I no longer worry about her dying with the thought of me hating her. I have prayed long and hard and am confident that God has told her how much I love her and how wonderful she was in the early years of my life. I have conveyed to her that I am no longer mad for what she did and that I have forgiven her.

It's been a long road, much like finding your way through deep woods. Every once in a while I find another landmark and can deal with the loss of my mom a little bit better, but I have a long way to go yet. In fact, the jury is still out on whether I've been making progress or have just been walking in circles.

Thank you again to those of you who have shared your stories with all of us. It's so empowering to have finally gotten mine out. Thanks for listening. Sorry it was so long.

[nic]

Agnelraven, wow, I don't really know what to say but I'm sorry for all you've gone through. I know how hard it is to lose a mother, thanks for sharing your story.

Take care

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Angel, your story is definitely powerful but it sounds like you're on the right track dealing with all the feelings that your loss brought you. I envy you for that.

Paisley, I'm sorry about your pregnancy. I often think about how it will be when I get pregnant and I have something new to focus my life on. Not that it's a reason but it would be a nice mild diversion, right? I'm glad you're going to try again soon. Maybe you just weren't ready yet?

Mandy, you had some nice words for me a page or two ago and I'm sorry I didn't read them sooner.

Thanksgiving was OK. We got through them and I know my mother was thankful I was there and that's what mattered. All three of my meals were pretty low key so it wasn't terrible. I did mention at my mom's house that I was thankful this really crappy year was almost over. And my husband joked about I was a downer. But that's what I was feeling and I said it.

I'm sure Christmas will be hard. I always enjoyed buying my brother presents the most. He was just the most fun to buy for and I liked to spoil him when I could.

[jarm]

So my stepmom is finally trying to get my father's estate settled (2 1/2 years later). I can completely understand why she didn't do it before this...she couldn't bring herself to do it. Coincidentally, or possibly not, the hospital where my father died just sent her a bill for over $1,000. We're pretty sure that there are more, but because they screwed up and could have had a malpractice suit against them, we're thinking that the timing of the bill being sent out was because the statute of limitations ran out. Luckily she wrote to the hospital and they said that they will bring the balance down to 0 and if she receives anymore bills to direct them to some higher-ups office.

All the settling of my dad's estate is really trying. I was too young when my father had to settle my mom's so this is new for me, and the fact that it has been two and a half years brings up all these empty feelings.

[Yolanda]

I deleted my post.

I posted here hoping to get some support, but I did not receive any.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Yolanda,
I'm sorry that no one was here to support you. I think it's been an especially tough month in this thread for all of us trying to deal with loss and grief during the holidays. I know I was surprised to return to normal life and find that no one had posted here over the holidays. I would have thought more people would have stopped by.

Hopefully, you'll try again if you still need help or you found other comfort.

The holidays weren't especially fun to me. I guess they've always been more work than fun but now they're work and grief and no fun. I made it through my whole trip home and when we got on the plane to come home, my husband said he didn't want to go back next year because it wasn't any fun. So I burst into tears because I missed my brother so much. I guess the stress of the holidays kept me focused and my grief was contained. And as soon as it all was over, I broke down.

My mom misses me like crazy and is flying up later this month to "take care of me" after a routine surgery (gall bladder removal). I'm letting her come more to help her than it will help me since my husband would do a much better job taking care of me. But I think it's important to her, so she's coming. My brother was always the sick one who needed attention. It's weird that it's me now.

[DiscoDiva]

Yolanda, please don't feel as if people aren't there for you. It's (unfortunately) like Jenn said: none of us were posting around the holidays, not even regarding our own situations.

I hope things are getting better for you.

[PaisleySloan]

Yolanda, sorry about the lack of responses to your post. I know how hard it is to finally post something about yourself only to have no one reply. Sorry about that.

The holidays were extremely difficult around here. I feel like I'm drowning under the burden of mom & dad's affairs, and living in their house doesn't help. We can't wait to put it on the market and get the hell out of here.

Jenn, sounds like we had the same holiday! We were keeping with my parents' traditions, and next year, we need a major holiday overhaul. I'm talking hopping a flight and spending the holidays in Italy or something unheard of! Our family is (now) so small, we need to make some of our own traditions.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

OK folks, the holidays are over and we need to revive this thread so we can be here for each other.

My mom is still in really bad shape. She's been really depressed. While I was there for Xmas, i forced her to call a therapist and set up an appt (she doesn't have insurance so I found one that worked on a sliding scale). She went but said it was too far away so they gave her some other places to call. She hasn't. Meanwhile, a friend of hers wrote her that she knew about someone who got Prozac for like a $1 from a clinic. But my mom is so depressed she can't make the phone calls to get it done. I'm trying really hard to inspire her but it's been tough. Meanwhile, she's coming to visit next week to take care of me after I have my gall bladder removed. My husband would do a much better job but I'm letting her come so she'll feel needed and she has a reason to get out of bed.

I'm dealing with the loss better than her. I still miss him like crazy and I still talk to him sometimes (no worries, he doesn't talk back but boy do I wish he could!). On Thursday, it'll be nine months since he died. And then next month is his birthday so I have to deal with that. I just miss him but I guess I always will.

How's everyone else doing?

Paisley, I can't imagine living in their house! My mom has moved to an apt. but is still getting stuff out of our childhood home. That's been the hardest part of my visits is having to go there and feel all the memories. And see the basement door with our heights calculated as we grew up. We're still trying to figure out if we can put that in her apartment somewhere!

[PaisleySloan]

Jenn, I couldn't imagine living in my childhood home! Ack. Then again, I've found a ton of pictures of it, and before we moved to the West Coast, it had been in my family for years - so, if they still lived in it, and this happened, I might want to keep it. But it's a moot point. Even though they lived in this house for only 8 years, it still hits me at every corner "here's mom's x" or "dad used to do y here." It drives me crazy. Not to mention the fact that we're out here in the desert - only an hour from LA, but it seems like a world away! It's amazing how different people are from city to city. It's like a whole different vibe up here - a sh***y vibe!! (LOL - can you tell I have no love for the desert!?!)

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I've heard that it's so much harder to lose a child. Sounds like you and your hubby are doing a great job. I like that she's coming to take care of you. I think that will really help her feel needed, and she won't be so lonely.

I started going to see my therapist again. I feel like I'm getting by in my day-to-day life, but I've noticed (and my husband disagrees tremendously) that I look like crap!! I hate my haircut (I chopped it off in October), my skin looks dull except for the lovely pimples that have surfaced, and I've gained weight. Eek! I'm a beast! So, I've started the therapy, and working out (I use that term loosly). I'm going to make an appt. to see my facialist. My friend and I are going to buddy up and try to lose 5 pounds - when we do, we can buy one new item of clothing. Then when we lose 10 pounds, we're going to go to San Francisco and do some real shopping. Yay!

Anyway, I'm just trying to keep busy, and get on the track to sell this house! We're having a big yard sale tomorrow, and I'm sure that will be sad to see mom and dad's things all over the place, going home with strangers. :(

How's everyone else doing?

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Paisley, I want to warn you about the yard sale because I went through this. Not only is it really hard to see your loved ones belongings leave but it's especially brutal when they haggle over the price. So make sure you're firm on how much it's worth to let go of everything. And hang in there!

[PaisleySloan]

Paisley, I want to warn you about the yard sale because I went through this. Not only is it really hard to see your loved ones belongings leave but it's especially brutal when they haggle over the price. So make sure you're firm on how much it's worth to let go of everything. And hang in there!
Thanks for the advice. It was a successful yardsale - with minimal tears. The ony time I really cried was when mom's friend came over and we went into the house, we both broke down.

It was a bit brutal to haggle over the prices of some items, but the things we were selling didn't mean much to any of us, aside from the fact that they were mom's knick-knacks. There were a few times where I found myself going "do i really want to sell that?" and making a little pile for myself. :) Counterproductive, but what the hell!

I did have some shifty lady try to act like she gave me a $20, when she gave me a $10 - which really pissed me off. Her total was $12, she gave me a $10 and said "she needed to get change" - I said fine and said, "yes, just two more dollars," and held the money in my hand the entire time. She came back and gave me two $5s and two $1. I was confused and gave her back the $10, and she said "no, i gave you a $20" and I of course, said "no, you gave me a $10" - she said "i gave you a $20 and the you said you didn't have change" (WTF?!), and i said "no, you gave me a $10 and told me you didn't have change with you." She accused me of maybe taking money from someone else, and getting confused. And I said "well, I'm sorry, but you gave me this bill here - I didn't take money from anyone else." She said "well, I'm sorry too" and walked away. Now, if I had really given someone $20 and they tried to say I didn't, I'd be pissed and would not leave until I got my money back. Sheesh - some people.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

That garage sale mentality is so interesting, isn't it? I was surprised at the amount of stuff that I thought was crap and the amount of stuff that was priceless to me. And they only wanted to pay a quarter for it, you know?

Where's everyone else been? They must be in better shape than us. We passed nine months and my mom's still a wreck and I have bad days every once in a while but mostly, I'm hanging in there. My brother's birthday is late February so we have that to dread. And then the anniversary of his death in April. Maybe after all those firsts, things will get better. Because right now on the 19th of every month, I'm completely aware of it.

[PaisleySloan]

You know how the grieving process is. It just comes in waves. That's what I like about this thread, you can just post when you're feeling icky and need a little encouragement.

Today is my dad's birthday. Ugh. I forgot about it until Thursday and it hit me. My hubby and I are going to go up to see him. It feels so weird to say "see him," but what else do you say. This is the first time I've been up there since mom's service. It's going to be hard.

Your brother's birthday will be so hard on your mom. I can't imagine losing a child. I don't have a child, except for my husband's. It must be devastating. How old was he again?

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Paisley, knowing it's going to be hard is all I can do, though? I can't figure out a way to make it better. He was 35. Sick most of his life but I never knew how sick! I actually thought to myself "hey maybe if i get pregnant and my baby is due in april, they can induce on the 19th so that day isn't so miserable forever." Crazy, but I'm already thinking of ways to make the anniversary of his death a happy occasion?

Hope you made it through your dad's birthday OK. It's good that you have someplace to go to visit him. I don't have that for my brother.

[angelraven]

This time of year really stinks for me.

Last week, I dealt with the third anniversary of my grandmother's passing. It was hard. Especially since my grandfather is getting re-married in February. This Saturday to be exact. I've got to go to this wedding and put on a happy face even though I really won't feel happy. My grandfather is still grieving over my grandma, and yet, not even six months after meeting some lady, he's marrying her?! WTF?

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. She would have been 42. Gosh, that just sounds so young still. April 13th will mark 4 years since she's been gone. I still cannot believe my mom is gone. I've been having so many dreams about her lately. Dreams where I finally talk her in to leaving my step-father and working for a better life. But in the end, she always goes back. Just like what really happened. I don't get it. Maybe it's God trying to tell me that there really is no way I could have changed her. What happened had to happen. It was meant to be. Well, that just plain sucks. I still cannot accept that despite the fact that I know I need to. I guess I'm still partially feeling responsible for how she died, and I don't know how to get over that.

My husband is working long hours and I'm feeling sort of let down. He KNOWS this is a rough time of year for me, and yet there he sits, at work. He's not coming to the wedding with me either. I really need his support right now. I wish he could see that.

Sorry to be such a downer. I am just feeling so angry. Grief IS like waves. Sometimes it is waves of sadness, sometimes tides of fond memories, other times hurricanes of anger and frustration. I just wish it didn't take so long to navigate the storms.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Angel, so sorry to hear what you're going through. Especially tough that you have to go to this wedding during all of it without your husband. Can you take a close friend or someone who can support you? My guess is that this is your grandfather's way of grieving because the thought of being alone is so unbearable. But I'm not a shrink so that's just a guess. My brother's birthday is later this month and the year anniversary in April. So it's going to be a tough couple of months for me too. As for the dreams, I just wish I was having some. Oh, I know, I'm no help at all.

[PaisleySloan]

Angel, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. Your husband really should be there for you. Have you told him? You may be like me where I feel like I shouldn't have to tell him, but sometimes just reaching out for a helping hand is what's needed. As hard as it is, you should try to talk to him and tell him how much he is needed.

My dad's birthday was tough, but I'm really glad we went up to see him and mom. It was hard. We were talking to them and just telling them how we hope we're doing the right thing and that we hope they are proud of us and how we're handling things, and we heard this weird noise. We looked over and it was a little bunny! He kind of looked at us and gave us a little shake, then ran off into the brush. We thought perhaps it was a sign, but then again, maybe it was just a bunny. :)

[angelraven]

Thanks, girls. My husband totally came through for me, which helped me so much. He got me flowers on the day of my mom's birthday and was so caring and attentive. Then, he worked major overtime on Thursday and Friday so that he could come with me to the wedding. I love that man.

It was SUPER hard to watch my grandpa marry some other woman. I felt so angry with him during the ceremony. Her family didn't look very thrilled either. However, afterwards, when they were talking about their "honeymoon" I thought they were kind of cute. My grandpa LOVES to fish, and so does his new wife. So for their honeymoon, they're going somewhere that has heated docks so that they can fish. I guess I should just be happy for him- he now has a permanent fishin' buddy. :)

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Angel, glad it turned out OK for you. Good for your hubby to come through when you needed him! Sometimes men really are worth having around!

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Thought I'd bump this thread up. There seems to be lots of grieving and worrying in other areas of this section but not in this thread?

My brother's birthday is Friday. He would have been 36. Not sure yet how I'm supposed to get through the day. I thought planning cocktails with co-workers at the end of the day might help. But will it? I'm not a huge drinker. And I feel terrible for my mother. Fortunately, she's been asked to babysit for a family friend that day so she'll be occupied with something happy! Just not sure what we can do to get through it. If anyone has ideas, I'm open.

I have to go through this again in April on the anniversary of his death. I found out my husband will be in Chicago on business and I'm now planning on flying out there so I don't have to be alone that day. I can't imagine. Of course, then I think of my mother and how she's alone every day. Which just makes me feel guilty again.

How's everyone else doing?

[jarm]

This sort of has to do with my grieving. My brothers and I have years between the two of us. I had talked to my brother who lives out of state probably more often than my brother who lives literally two minutes away from me. In any event, my father's death helped my brother realize that he wasn't happy in his marriage, and so now he is divorced. Let me just tell you that I have seen him much more since the divorce was finalized than I did in the five years that my father had moved away, passed away, etc. I am actually enjoying my newfound relationship with my brother. I credit this to the fact that he dealt with his grief by recognizing that he wasn't happy and that he didn't want to be unhappy for the rest of his life.

[PaisleySloan]

Thought I'd bump this thread up. There seems to be lots of grieving and worrying in other areas of this section but not in this thread?

My brother's birthday is Friday. He would have been 36. Not sure yet how I'm supposed to get through the day. I thought planning cocktails with co-workers at the end of the day might help. But will it? I'm not a huge drinker. And I feel terrible for my mother. Fortunately, she's been asked to babysit for a family friend that day so she'll be occupied with something happy! Just not sure what we can do to get through it. If anyone has ideas, I'm open.

I have to go through this again in April on the anniversary of his death. I found out my husband will be in Chicago on business and I'm now planning on flying out there so I don't have to be alone that day. I can't imagine. Of course, then I think of my mother and how she's alone every day. Which just makes me feel guilty again.

How's everyone else doing?

Oh Jenn, I'm so sorry. Instead of cocktails, why don't you do something for you - that YOU enjoy doing. It may help to be with friends/co-workers, but you seem to be an introspective person. Can you schedule a massage or some spa time? Take a yoga class, go see a movie. All these suggestions seems so trite when dealing with the loss of a brother or any loved one for that matter, don't they?

I understand thinking of your mom alone makes you feel terrible. I felt the same way after dad died, but all you can do is what you are doing. Send her a little something every now and again, call her, and keep the lines of communication open. It's such a hard situation, and I hope it gets easier. I know it will never be okay.

[kat_mack]

My father unexpectedly passed away in Sept. '03 at the age of 55. Since then, I've met a wonderful man who has become my husband. It breaks my heart that these two great men will never meet each other & my dad will never meet his grandchildren.

I miss him SO much.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Kat,
Most of us can really relate. I think most of us are at that stage where we're starting families and are having a hard time dealing with it. I know I've broken down into tears on numerous occasions that my brother will never meet my children (who I haven't conceived yet). It might be one of my life's biggest regrets but since there's nothing I can do about it, I'm trying to get past it! I'm sorry for your loss. But I'm glad you have that wonderful man to help you through the grief.

[PG-rated]

Kat,
That's something that hurts me a lot, as well. One of the ways I comfort myself is by remembering that my father would have loved my husband, and would be proud of my choice. And I plan to talk to my future children about their grandfather a lot, so they can share him with me through my memories.

I found my way back here today because I really was blindsided by something that happened this morning. My father was a dentist, and after he died, my uncle (his brother) became our family dentist. Even after I moved to DC, I would go back home for cleanings. Then last year I got dental insurance for DH (he has a lot of teeth issues), so I figured I might as well just start seeing his dentist. My first appointment was supposed to be this morning, but as I was getting ready to go, I broke down completely, and we ended up cancelling the appointment. I was caught totally off-guard by this, because I thought it would be no big deal - until it was time to do it. I'm really feeling wiped out right now, and wondering if there will ever be a time when something unexpected won't make me grieve all over again. After all, it's been almost ten years. I know I'll never be truly "over it," but ten years ago I comforted myself with the thought that someday I wouldn't be completely overwhelmed anymore. I just wonder when "someday" will come.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

I'm glad a trip to the dentist doesn't set me off - or I'd have another excuse to never go. But we all have those triggers, don't we? Mine is usually seeing a show. Because whenever I see a new show on Broadway, I want to tell my brother about it. That's what I used to do. And it's still normal to feel that way, even almost a year later. But here's a new one for me. Because the anniversary of his death is three days after Easter and my husband will be out of town, I'm now going to be with my mom for Easter and the anniversary, then I'm going to meet my husband on his business trip. That way, neither my mom nor I will be alone. So we were talking about Easter and I haven't been home for Easter since 1998 (right before I moved away). My mother asked if she should prepare two baskets for my young cousins because she did that every year for my brother to take to them. I had no idea he'd been doing that all those years and when she told me that, I burst into tears. So I hope my "someday" comes too. And I hope I get through April 19th.

Another thing: i never remember my dreams when I wake up and only recently have I started to remember them. And I have dreamed some weird stuff. But never anything about my brother. If I believe all the TV shows, that's because he's crossed over and at peace. But I find that so hard to believe since no one he left seems to be at peace.

Well, I hope that no posting in here for a month means that everyone else is doing well. But if you're not, let us know.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Again, where did everyone go? I came today because it's not a good day for me. I've been trying to emotionally prepare myself for the first anniversary of my brother's death, next Wednesday. But today I got hit with something I wasn't prepared for. Today marks the anniversary of the last time I had a conversation with my brother. I remember it pretty well because of the unusual circumstances. I found out about the passing of one of his college roommates on the 14th, I called my brother to tell him that night. On the 15th, he went into the hospital. On the 16th, I found out but by then he was in a coma. On the 17th, I was told to fly home. On the 18th, I arrived at the hospital. And on the 19th, he died.

So instead of preparing just for the 19th, I should have probably prepared for the whole week. Because here I am at work on Good Friday and I look to see that it's 4/14 and I remember and I start crying. To make it worse, I call my husband thinking hearing his voice will help. But he asks what's wrong and I told him I got sad when I remembered what happened a year ago today. I was vague because I was at work. And I doubt he even knows what I'm talking about. But I still start crying. So I go to the bathroom to compose myself and then I come here and I start writing, and I start crying again.

Wow. Maybe I should get off of here and pull myself together again.

Hope everyone else is well!

[nic]

Jenn (and Bill), I'm sorry you're feeling so down today. I can relate.

I was like you for 2 months leading up to my sister's first anniversary last December. Her health declined really fast the last 2 months of her life and I couldn't help but think of those months a year later.

I'm not going to lie, the next few days are going to be hard. If you can, surround yourself with people that are going to give you the love and support you need right now. I just want you to know that you will get through this and you will be okay.

It's okay to be sad and cry, you have every right to feel that way. Take care of yourself, I'll be thinking about you.

[ejs]

Jenn, you're right, the first anniversary sucks. Especially because there are so many other "first anniversaries" (or lasts) associated with it. Last time you spoke, last time you saw each other, etc.

My advice is to do whatever you need to do to manage the day. If you want to stay at home in bed all day, do it. If you feel the need to stay busy by seeing a movie or going shopping, do it. If you want to plant things in your garden as a tribute to your brother, do it. Feel whatever you need to feel: sadness, anger, hope.

Just take care of yourself.

[nawsgirl]

I'm glad that this thread got bumped up...kind of glad since that means I don't have to go looking for it!

My dad would have been 60 years old today. He died at 48. Just wanted to give him a little recognition- Happy Birthday Dad.

[PaisleySloan]

Jenn, I'm so sorry this all hit you so hard yesterday. I completely empathize with how you're feeling. EJS hit the nail right on the head. Do whatever you need to do to take care of you! I'm sorry I've been MIA, and I will check in more often. My thoughts are with you and know you are not alone.

I haven't been around much lately because I'm going through the same stuff.
We're still living in their house, although it is on the market. Putting it up for sale, as much as I want to get out of here, is almost like letting go of the last part of them, even though I know full well they will always live in my heart and tangible things aren't them, it still hurts.

About 5 weeks ago, I began having these long crying jags, at work, in my car, at home, at the bookstore - ugh! I wouldn't be able to stop. I went to my doctor (psychopharmacologist -whew), and he said that he hadn't seen me this depressed since I first came to see him in 2003. I got off Wellbutrin right after my wedding in July, and then the shit hit the fan so to speak in August. I didn't feel like I needed the meds until I began having trouble working, getting out of bed, seeing friends - everything felt like a chore. I was severly depressed. I got back on Wellbutrin, and even though I'm now able to go about my day to day with relative ease (whatever the hell that means), I still break down almost daily.

We're also trying to buy a home and that in itself is killing me too. The housing market in So. Cal. is ridiculous. People are asking obscene amounts of money for shacks, but that's a story for another thread.

I hope it gets better, but with mother's day right around the corner, I don't know how it will.

Nawsgirl that's sweet! Happy birthday to your dad.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Wow, people actually came by this thread. Thanks for thinking of me, girls. It was a tough week but it went as well as it could possibly have gone. We spent the days leading up to the 19th doing fun things like movies, shopping, manicures. But we were also kind of morbid and relived the whole process of the previous year. So it was "this was the day he went in the hospital, this was the day he went into the coma, this is the day you told me he was going to die". It sounds weird but I think by doing that it made the 19th easier. My mom still had a tough time and since I flew to Chicago that night to join my husband's business trip, she had her mother spend the night with her.

And to top it all off, my father sold our house this weekend. Mom's having a tough time with that. I thought I would have a tough time letting it go but ever since she moved out, it's almost harder to be there. Like it's too hard and by not visiting, I don't have to go through that. i'm sure when it's really gone, I'll feel differently. And I might have been there the last time last week.

So that's what is new with me. Just trying to muddle through.

Paisley, aren't anti-depressants wonderful? it's nice not to cry at every moment!

[ejs]

Two years ago today, my mom passed away. I think I've been managing fairly well, but today is just tough. It also doesn't help that my dad is in Greece getting married. :rolleyes:

I hope everyone is coping well.

[R_mageddon]

My dad died Saturday night. This evening was the first viewing. Half an hour in I thought, 'How am I going to do this? I can't do this for another 2 days". I'm not always good with being emotional in front of others and even now I'm not sure I want to type much, but I know that this thread will end up being beneficial to me. I know that as much as you don't WANT to feel, you HAVE to feel in order to heal.

I still can't belive that this is real. This can't be happening.

[ejs]

My dad died Saturday night. This evening was the first viewing. Half an hour in I thought, 'How am I going to do this? I can't do this for another 2 days". I'm not always good with being emotional in front of others and even now I'm not sure I want to type much, but I know that this thread will end up being beneficial to me. I know that as much as you don't WANT to feel, you HAVE to feel in order to heal.

I still can't belive that this is real. This can't be happening.
I'm so sorry. You're right, you do have to let yourself feel the pain at some point.

[RobynScott]

EJS and R_Mageddon - I am so sorry for both of you - I wish there was something more I could say.

R_Mageddon - I am thinking of you and sending you strength - I am so sorry for what you are going through. Know that there are people here that are thinking of you.

[tinkerbelljenny]

R_mageddon I am so sorry for your loss. I still hope my dad will walk through the door.


ejs It has been two years since I lost my dad. I can't even imagine my mom getting remarried. She is still so emotional everytime my dad's name comes up. Sorry.

[R_mageddon]

Thank you for your condolensces and thoughts and energy. I need it right now.


will it really take years for it to feel normal? I fear what happens on thursday when everyone else gets to go back to normal life and when my life will never be the same ever again. And I'm an only child, so I feel that it's my burden alone to get my mother through this. How do you get someone ELSE through it, when you're trying to get YOURSELF through it?

[RobynScott]

Thank you for your condolensces and thoughts and energy. I need it right now.


will it really take years for it to feel normal? I fear what happens on thursday when everyone else gets to go back to normal life and when my life will never be the same ever again. And I'm an only child, so I feel that it's my burden alone to get my mother through this. How do you get someone ELSE through it, when you're trying to get YOURSELF through it?

R_Mageddon - I really think it's an individual thing. I lost my dad 20 years ago this week (when I was 9) - and that is a much different loss than losing a parent at this age. (DH lost his dad when he was 26) - Having been through both, I know there is a difference. For DH, 5 years later, it still hurts, but in different ways - at different times.

I'm also an Only Child - so I felt I had to respond. I'm not sure it's your burden to get your mother through this - but it may be that the two of you need to lean on each other to get each other through it. There really is no right way or wrong way to grieve or deal with you sorrow.

I hope others have more advice - like I said, losing a parent at a young age is much different (and in a lot of ways, less difficult I think) than losing a parent as an adult.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss and I will be thinking of you.

Robyn

[Aimee]

Thank you for your condolensces and thoughts and energy. I need it right now.


will it really take years for it to feel normal? I fear what happens on thursday when everyone else gets to go back to normal life and when my life will never be the same ever again. And I'm an only child, so I feel that it's my burden alone to get my mother through this. How do you get someone ELSE through it, when you're trying to get YOURSELF through it?

Dunno what brought me into this thread, but, when I saw your post, I had to respond.

I, too, am an only child. I lost my father when I was 14 - 12 years ago on June 10.

You're right that your life will never be the same. For me, there is a very clean break between the "life with" and the "life without" periods. It's a landmark in my life and things either came before or after it. The key is to develop a new sense of normalcy in your life. Grieve for what you have lost, but continue looking ahead to the future. There will be happy times ahead, there will be bittersweet times ahead, but there is a life to be lived and enjoyed beyond this tragedy. Just take it one day at a time.

I understand the feeling of a "burden" to get your mother through something. I remember feeling overwhelmed and wanting to take care of her then - and I still do. Chances are, your mom will be feeling the same way about you. Lean on each other, like RobynScott said. My mom and I were close before we lost my dad, but, having been through it strengthened our bond immesurably. We got through it as a unit.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers this week; I know that it is a difficult time for you. Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk.

-Aimee

[skraus75]

will it really take years for it to feel normal? I fear what happens on thursday when everyone else gets to go back to normal life and when my life will never be the same ever again. And I'm an only child, so I feel that it's my burden alone to get my mother through this. How do you get someone ELSE through it, when you're trying to get YOURSELF through it?

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father when I was 14 and my stepfather, who was truthfully a 2nd dad, when I was 28. It is difficult and I don't think "normal" is the same as it was before. You'll have to shape a new normal.

I am also an only child and though people may tell you to "be strong for your mother," know that you have to take care of yourself before you can care for anyone else. I think the advice about leaning on each other is what may be needed and best. I have you and your mother in my thoughts and prayers.

[R_mageddon]

Thank you so much for responding everyone, especially my fellow only children. It's a weird, sort of strange thing to be an only child sometimes because the dynamics of certain family situations are different and despite all the fertility issues people seem to have now-a-days, only children still seem to be the minority.

It's true, people keep telling me to be strong for my mom and my mom keeps saying "it's just you and me now". MY mom really wants me to move home for a while, and while I promised to seriously consider it (and I will consider it), I'm not sure that's what I want to do, but she's so afraid, how can I deny her that? How can I deny her something that will give her comfort?

[skraus75]

After my stepfather passed away, my stepsister (who is considerably older than me) told me that I couldn't not go on living my life because I felt my mother needed me. I thought about moving back to Buffalo to be there to support her but realized, ultimately I would be putting my life on hold. Sometimes that is the right thing and sometimes it isn't. You need to decide what is best for you.

As for the "be strong for your mom" stuff, I say first and foremost let yourself grieve. You need to allow yourself to experience the loss. The two of you will need to rely on each other; however I don't believe one person can truly be the pillar.... but that is my experience talking.

Perhaps, if your mother is up to it, a support group might be good. Her life is going to keep changing and having a group of people to talk to might be helpful.

If you'd like to talk, feel free to PM me.

[R_mageddon]

Thank you. I might very well take up all the offers to PM once this whole ordeal is over.

My best friend lost her father 10 years ago. She's flying in tomorrow. I think we should get our mother's together. I think her mom could be good for my mom...and it would help ease their loneliness.

I must admit, my mom has been really good at realising that I need to grieve too. Last night I asked her if she minded if I went home and slept in my own bed (the commotion at her house was really starting to get to me) so my two cousins that I'm close to went home with me and a couple of my aunts stayed with my mom. My mom was ok with that. I know that she wanted me to stay, but she truely seemed to understand that I needed to be in my own home, with my own stuff, away from the chaos. I love her for that.

My cousins have been fantastic at taking me under their wing while my aunts tend to my mom. I love my family. I love being part of such a large and close knit group of people.

The scarey part is after today (the funeral is today). Everyone else's lives will get to go back to the way it was, and ours will never be the same. Both my mom and I are dreading that.

I have made a conscious decision though, to reach out when I need help. I'm pretty independant, but I know, with this, I can't do it alone. People have offered, and I'm going to allow myself to lean on them without feeling like I'm burdening them (or at least I'm going to try)

I wrote a letter to my dad this morning, I'm going to put it in the casket with him along with a picture of our father/daughter dance at my wedding.

[skraus75]

Your message made me cry. I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself and have a good support system to help you through everything. It sounds as though your cousins will continue to support you whenever you need it. Having your mother talk to your best friend's mother is a great idea as well -- losing a spouse is different than losing a parent and as much as you want to support her, your loss isn't the same. I hope everything goes okay today -- you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Aimee]

My cousins have been fantastic at taking me under their wing while my aunts tend to my mom. I love my family. I love being part of such a large and close knit group of people.


That's wonderful that you have such a close-knit family. My mom's sisters are like sisters to me (and they also lost their dad at a young age) and were very good to me during that time and beyond. It helps to have a support net.


The scarey part is after today (the funeral is today). Everyone else's lives will get to go back to the way it was, and ours will never be the same. Both my mom and I are dreading that.


Don't worry about tomorrow, today. Just get through each day as it comes to you. Easier said than done, I know. But, just try and focus on making it through today.


I have made a conscious decision though, to reach out when I need help. I'm pretty independant, but I know, with this, I can't do it alone. People have offered, and I'm going to allow myself to lean on them without feeling like I'm burdening them (or at least I'm going to try)


Good for you! I didn't deal with a lot of my feelings, thinking I could ignore them and they'd go away and, y'know what? They didn't. It sounds like you've got a lot of people in your life who love you - let them be there for you, just as you'd be there for them. And, if you get to a point where you feel you're burdening people, there's no shame in paying for a therapist or going to a support group. But, definitely allow yourself to feel and to grieve. Like any other hurt, it's got to be treated to heal properly.


I wrote a letter to my dad this morning, I'm going to put it in the casket with him along with a picture of our father/daughter dance at my wedding.

I did the same thing. Truthfully, I don't remember a single thing of what my letter said. It was some scrawly, teary, mess, I'm sure. And it told him what I needed to say at the time. I also enclosed a photo of myself. It made me feel good to know he had it with him.

Please know you've got the love and support of your real life friends and family with you right now, as well as those of us on CC who have you in our thoughts and prayers.

You will survive this.

-Aimee

[R_mageddon]

I witnessed my dad's cremation this morning. They actually offered for me to be the one to start it. I did without even hesitating. It was something I needed to do and I'm glad that I did. I sent my father off, I personally cremated my father, not some stranger. I know it was him, so now I'll know that it's him in that urn (we should have his ashes by this afternoon).
It wasn't scarey, not like the images that the mind conjures up regarding creamtion. It was respectful, private, solemn.....and there was nothing 'scarey' about it. I felt like I was just sending my dad off. It a way, it provided more closure than funerals with burials because then, after the cemetary ceremony, you have to walk away from the casket and trust someone else to bury them. This way, I knew that it was done.

After the funeral yesterday, when they gave us his jewelery (that he wore all of the time), I put one of his rings on my chain and I've been relatively calm since then. Of course, i could be in some stage of grief and break down at any moment but for now, I feel...calm is the only way to describe it.

[skraus75]

You have been in my thoughts. I know that things are difficult right now. I hope you have a good support system with you this weekend. Please let me know if there is anything I can offer.

[Tenny]

R_mageddon I so sorry to hear about you Dad!

I just happened to come across this thread and maybe it was fate since I'm missing my Dad so much today. My Dad passed away unexpectedly on April 24th, just 3 days after my son's first birthday and 2 days after his birthday party. I'm so grateful for the time I spend with him that day, but if I would have known it was the last time I was going to see him there is so much more I would have done. I would have stayed and talked a little longer, would have hugged him a little harder, would have just appreciated the moment a little more. Now my siblings and I are left to pick up the pieces and sort through all the legal mumble jumbo, since he was divorced and had no Will. The time when I need me Dad's advice more then ever, I'm not able to get it. I find myself with all this stuff I want to say to him, stuff that I never knew I wanted to say. I find myself so paranoid and protective especially when it comes to DH and DS, because I'm so afraid that they may walk out the door and never return. Anyway, I just rambling....All I know is that I miss my Dad today, I miss him so much my heart actually aches and now I'm sitting at my desk at work with tears streaming down my face. This just sucks!!!

[R_mageddon]

Tenny, I can completely understand. It was a rough day for my mom and I today. Really rough. I'm thinking of you.

skraus75, we're having a harder time today, because most of our family's bereavement ran out, so they all had to go back to work and my cousin that was staying with me had to fly home early this morning, so I woke up alone (she made sure that I was awake enough to remember her saying goodbye though so I wouldn't get upset when I woke up).

My sleep is so weird, I'm able to sleep with help, but once I'm asleep it's a dead dreamless sleep which is unusual. I'm normally a very light sleeper. Maybe it's just exhaustion settling in.

The day after my dad died, we got the diagnosis for my grandma (his mom). Cancer. She has 6 months or less to live so we are getting a double dose.

[R_mageddon]

How was it when you went back to work? I am going back on monday and I'm absolutely dreading it. I really don't want to, but I feel that I should.

[skraus75]

R_Mageddon -- I've been thinking about you. I'm sorry to hear your cousin had to leave already. As for the sleep thing, my mom had a very hard time sleeping after my stepfather passed away. Tylenol PM was her friend, though not to the extent where she bacame addicted. I think if you need to use something for a little bit, use it.

As for getting back to work, for me, it was a welcome thing. My colleagues and students (I work at a university) were all very supportive. It also got me back into my routine. However, I also believe each person is different. Can you do a half day on Monday if it is too difficult? Or perhaps meet a friend (or your mom) for lunch?

I'm so sorry as well to hear about your grandmother. Sometimes it seems like everything happens at once.... very unfair. I hope she is local so you can spend as much time with her as possible.

Take care of yourself today. I'm available if you want to PM.

[RobynScott]

R_mageddon - hope you are doing ok now that you are back to work.

Grief / Mourning is a strange thing. For me it has been so long, it is 'normal'. DH had to remind me what today was - 20 years to the day (or maybe I am one day off - I can never remember if it was the 6th or if that was the date od his funeral) - nevertheless - 20 years since my dad passed away - that just seems so crazy! And I am only 29!

I think you have good moments and bad. Today I am fine - if I stop to think about it (like if I really focused on it now) - I'm sure I would get upset. Just seems really crazy to realize it has been 20 YEARS! wow.

that's all - felt like sharing that somewhere. I feel too young to be able to pinpoint an event that happened 20 years ago! (but hey - then again - I'm not really as young as I think I am, am I? ;)

Hope everyone in this thread is doing ok.

[magrat]

I hope everyone is doing okay. Last year at this time I was getting the house ready to have MIL and FIL arrive from England and stay with us for 3 weeks. They arrived and FIL was so excited to see us and he had his funny straw hat and his man-purse and was so happy and enthusiastic (as always) the whole time he was here. He died suddenly just a few months later. Last time I saw MIL she was standing hugging herself on the dark and cold train platform, watching as our train pulled away from the station. Now in a few weeks DH will be going to the airport to greet MIL and SIL, and I'm so sad FIL won't be there too :( In a way my grief had been cut short. We live so far away it's easy to forget about it, or at least keep it in the back of my mind, but seeing MIL alone will bring it back to the surface again. I keep thinking of things to do this visit that I know he would like to do or see, but he won't be here. I'm just grateful I had been able to spend so much time with him in the past, and have so many happy memories. It would be really sad to never have known DH's father.

ejs That's very hard. I don't know the whole story or how close you are to your father, but I'd to think he's not forgetting your mom. Maybe he's just one of those people who need a partner. I know I would hate to be alone - that's one of the scariest things I can think of.

[R_mageddon]

Today was my 30th birthday and the 2 week anniversary of my dad's funeral. It's also the day my grandma died.

Can you beleive it? I think I mentioned that we got her diagnosis of terminal cancer the day after my dad died. We were told that she had up to 6 months to live. She died today, 2 1/2 weeks after the diagnosis.

I feel like my birthday is cursed.

[Aimee]

My deepest sympathies to you and your family, R_Mageddon

[skraus75]

I feel like my birthday is cursed.

R_mageddon, I'm so sorry. I hate that this made you feel as though your birthday is cursed. Life is cruel sometimes in the way it deals us our circumstances. It seems so unfair that you should have to lose your grandmother so close to your father's passing. As I've told you before, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[nawsgirl]

R_mageddeon, I am so sorry. Having lost my dad 12 years ago this year, I can tell you that life does return to "normal", it's just a different normal. It will take a long time, but just continue to acknowledge your feelings and talk about them, even if you talk to yourself. Your mom may move at a different pace than you, and that's OK- she is mourning a different relationship. Lean on each other when you need it, but if you feel like you are dragging each other downwards, it's OK to take some time for yourself.

ejs, I feel for you.

I am here b/c my friend's mom is dying- she has had MS for a long time and has been hospitalized numerous times over the past few months with complications. I guess she went into cardiac arrest on Friday and when I spoke with my friend today, they had turned off the oxygen and were just waiting. I have never met this woman, but I feel so terrible for my friend. I know when my dad and grandfather died, all I wanted people to do was to say they were sorry and to let me know that they were there if I needed them, but for some reason when the situation is reversed that feels like it is not enough??

[melones]

Hello

I hope i can join you all. My mother died 1 year and two months ago. I have a wonderful support system in my sister who is also my best friend. We are doing the best we can which of course is a moving target as grief is an elusive feeling that ebbs and flows like the tides.

The most difficult thing right now is that my father has started to date...something i honestly never thought would happen. I knew it was a possibility but that he would feel ready for this so soon is sad, shocking and unpleasant. He recently asked me to meet someone that he has enjoyed spending time with and i am filled with so many emotions. Last night i dreamt that i had a angry confrontation with my father regarding this...i am supposed to meet her Friday and am dreading this...has anyone else dealt with this?? Any experiences or suggestions to share.

I just never thought i would have to deal with my family fragmenting and changing in this way....its so upsetting...

[ejs]

Once you've experienced loss, I think you always feel like you can never do enough for someone who has lost someone. I think it's because no matter how kind and caring people were to us, they couldn't do what we really wanted, which was to bring back our passed loved one.

nawsgirl, you're doing the right thing for your friend. Can you possibly make or send food to your friend and her dad? It helped us to not even have to worry about cooking, shopping, or dining out.

[risa00]

This is my first time in this thread, but I needed to post my feelings just to get it out there. My grandma passed away Thursday morning. We've been expecting this for 3 or so years now. She would have really bad problems (heart, breathing, kidney, liver, etc) and would end up in the hospital. The doctor would say she has less than a month to live and she would be on hospice. Somehow or another she would come out of it and go back to her normal self. This third time I thought was going to be the same. It's very strange because I live in a completely different state than my family does so I get to fly home maybe once a year. I just happened to fly home this last weekend because it was my 10 year reunion. I went by there on Saturday and got to see her and talk with her. I just didn't realize that saying goodbye was going to be the last time to say goodbye. The funeral is this Sunday and I'm not flying back down for it. I know God meant for me to go down the weekend before to see her and I'm happy with the way it has ended. Since I've been expecting this for 3 years now, I think I have grieved during that time so it's not quite as hard as if it was unexpected. I still do cry now and again just thinking about the times that we shared together. I think what disappoints me most is that I wanted her to be alive when I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I are TTC but unfortunately it hasn't happened yet. My sister also wanted her to be here when she got married. I know she'll be here spirtually, but it's just not the same. Just writing this out helps to heal.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Risa, that's why we're here. Because writing it out and sharing our experiences with others in similar situations does help us to heal. I understand about the roller coaster ride you went through. My brother had been in and out of the hospital so many times that I had no idea the final one was coming. You just can't prepare for that, can you? It's great that you got to be there with her at the end, even if you didn't know it. I hope you take comfort in that.

We all have things that we wanted our loved ones to share with us. I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that my brother will never know his nieces or nephews and they'll never know him. But I'm going to have them anyway and hope he's watching from wherever!

And if there's one thing I've learned from this thread.....it gets easier but it never goes away.

[Foley42]

risa It is comforting that you saw her one last time while on your trip home. No one knows when good byes will come with an 8 or 80 year old. You seem like a very strong woman :) hang in there ((((hugs))))

[R_mageddon]

You ladies are going to start thinking that I'm lying, but I swear that I'm not.

My friend died today. It was sudden, an accident we're told. Nobody is clear on the details yet today, but, it's just so....unreal.

Stunned. Shocked. Sickened. I just feel like this can't be real. When will it stop!?

My bereavement counselling appoint on September 7th can't possibley come soon enough. I feel like a string pulled so tight that it's about to snap. Everytime something else happens, it feels....weirder and weirder.

Do you know what the stupid thing is? All these death are coinciding with fun get togethers/special events with my girlfriends. My dad died the night of my surprise 30th birthday party, my grandma on the day OF my 30th birthday and last night I had the girls over for a bar-b-que and wine. I actually said last night "I am not answering the phone" because the first time I was with them, the second time they'd taken me out for my birthday drinks the night before and lo and behold, there actually WAS a death!

The word 'cursed' keeps bouncing around in my head. Everytime I try to pick myself back up and dust myself off, plan something fun and just get to say "that was a great time, I actually felt happy", then hours later.......this

[ejs]

I completely understand what you're saying. Mine included my mom, my cat, my mom's brother, my great-aunt, my dad's sister. I'm ready for a break!

Sorry to hear about your loss.

[R_mageddon]

ejs - Did you find that by the end, that externally, you appeared as if you aren't even really reacting? Tonight when my H messaged me (yeah he's real senstive, hence why we seperated 10 months ago), I just sat there, literally, just sat there staring at the screen

When my grandma died, I got the call on my cell at my aunts house where she'd thrown a birthday party together with the family, since I was 'cheated' out of the other one by my dad's death and again, I sat there stone faced. When I told my mom, she burst into tears and I just.....sat there, not reacting at all.

It's disturbing me a little at how much I'm internalizing everything. I KNOW it's not healthy. It's why I think that my appointment is REALLY important. Only a couple more weeks to get through until I can speak to a professional.

[ejs]

Sadly, they didn't affect me as much the more they happened. The hard part was when I would express condolences to someone and they would reply about my mom. Those always struck a chord.

But, I have to add, I wasn't as close to any of those people as I was my mom. So that might also be part of the reason.

[R_mageddon]

yeah. My dad's death 2 months ago was the 'biggest' death and had the biggest impact on my direct life, but there's so much more going on in my life that I'm attempting to heal from, my seperation (which included the loss of my step daughter that I loved as my own), my other grandmother's death just 2 years ago sunday, my dad's death, my recent grandmother's death and now this. Everyone focuses on my grief regarding my dad's death when sometimes what I'm feeling at that moment (though likely intensified by my dad's death) isn't neccessarily about my dad's death.

I'm having a hard time seperating my emotions regarding each individual event and so I have this flurry of emotion inside me and I can't seem to grab ahold of any one thought or feeling long enough to sort it out before the next comes crashing in.

[ejs]

Do you need to separate your emotions for each incident? That might be putting too much pressure on yourself. Can you just let yourself experience a feeling of loss and deal with that?

[R_mageddon]

Hmmm....good question. I guess I don't HAVE the qualify each emotion, it's just that there's so MUCH that it feels more like a crush of grief rather than just 'loss'. It almost feels like I have to seperate the emotions in order to lighten the load. Does that make sense?

I'm heading to bed to try to sleep, we'll see how successful I am, but thanks for the posts ejs. My ENTIRE family (extended family and everything) is out of town camping where their cell phones don't work and I really needed to reach out a little. Since it's the middle of the night, I didn't want to wake up any of my friends. Besides, most of them are grieving right now too and are in no emotional state to help me sort through my stuff.

[skraus75]

Oh, I'm so sorry. R_mageddon, I just read about your friend. This seems so unfair. I think not reacting is your body's way of reacting to something it can't handle. I'm glad you are going to counseling too. You're in my thoughts.

[ejs]

bumping up for berber

[Thea]

I am sitting here bawling my eyes out and I am not sure even why I started reading this thread. My Dad passed away in October. It was not the same as all of you who were Daddy's girls. My dad was an alcoholic and although he was never abusive I spent so many years being angry at him for robbing me of having a normal father. To make things even stranger I didn't have that great of a relationship with the rest of my family at the time of his death. I guess in a way I felt like I didn't have a need to grieve, or a right to grieve. I don't know if this makes any sense. I loved my Dad, and I had years ago forgiven him for the choices he had made, but I haven't been close to him in so long. My DS, who is 9 and we adopted in December, had been living with us for a year when my Dad died. He had never met my Dad. Last night he was talking about this jump rope thing they are doing at school and he said he was going to jump for hius grandpa because he was a nice man that he had never met. I didn't really react at the time he said it, I told him that that was really sweet and the conversation just moved on. But today and last night that comment just keeps playing over and over in my mind. I never got to say goodbye to my Dad, which is hard, but now I am realizing I never gave my son the chance to say hello to him. And I could have. It is not like my Dad died before I had my son with me..I had a year. I don't know what I am trying to say...I guess I just needed to type this out. I need to somehow learn to forgive myself for this, I didn't even realize I was feeling it.

[ruledbymercury]

Thea - I can relate in a very small way to your situation. My husband Tadd's stepfather "Cliff" (who adopted Tadd when he was 5 years old, just after his mother and stepfather's wedding) passed away rather suddenly in May of 2005. He had a fatal heart attack while napping and was 46 at the time of his death.

Cliff was a huge part of Tadd's childhood, and was the only father DH had ever known. Unfortunately, he was not a very good father. He very often abused DH when he was young, physically and emotionally. He never really held a steady job, so over summer vacation, while Tadd's mom worked during the day, Cliff would do things like lock Tadd in the backyard without food or water in the hot South Florida sun while inviting all the neighborhood kids over to play Nintendo. Tadd could always see them having fun through the sliding glass door, but he wasn't allowed inside until just before his mother came home from work. One time, he got so angry at Tadd for something really trivial, that he picked Tadd up, and literally threw him through the drywall in the living room of their old house. Tadd's mom picked him up and left Cliff for a few days, but he somehow convinced her to come back. I, myself, was witness to a few of Cliff's anger episodes early on in our relationship (we were high school sweethearts). For about a year, he suddenly decided that I was "a bitch and a hussy" (to use his words) and banned me from the house. Then, just as suddenly, I didn't bother him anymore and he was back to being cordial with me again. It's like he had the emotional capacity of a tantrum-throwing 2 year old, but the strength and size of a big scruffy truck driver, and about a 6th grade education. A very dangerous combination.

Around the time DH and I got engaged (early 2003), my in-laws up and moved from Florida to Tennessee. I'm not sure why, but Cliff started to change right around that time. He became softer. He still wasn't my favorite person, and I never forgot those painful stories I had heard from Tadd, nor the episodes that I had witnessed myself, but it was as if he suddenly started realizing what a total and utter ass he had been to everyone his whole life. Tadd thinks he knew his health was failing (Cliff was never the type to go to a doctor for ANYTHING), and that realization made him rethink his attitude and actions. I also think he gained a new respect for Tadd...that he turned out ok despite everything Cliff put him through. I wasn't sure if we should invite him to the wedding after everything that had happened, but I left it up to Tadd. He decided to invite him and I stood behind his decision. So they came to our wedding in July of 2004. And from what MIL has told us, he weeped through the entire ceremony. I had also heard from more than one of our wedding guests that he had been going around saying how sincerely proud he was of Tadd and the man he had become and how happy he was for us. I couldn't believe any of those things when I had heard them. This couldn't possibly be my FIL they were talking about, right?!?!

After the wedding, they went back to Tennessee. Nine months later, we got the call from his mom that Cliff had passed. Talk about mixed emotions. It was so incredibly hard to know how to feel about that. Despite the recent change of heart, Cliff never mentioned the past abuse, no apologies, and Tadd never got the closure he wanted from that. Neither of us will ever forget the permanent scars he has left on Tadd, and the pain he has put both of us through over the years. But after hearing stories of the softer side of Cliff emerging, we also felt regret that we didn't get to know that side of him longer. I believe in karma too, so that was entering my mind from time to time during our drive up to Tennessee after his passing. It was one of the strangest trips I've ever taken. How do you mourn the loss of someone who was so rotten when he was alive? How do we deal with the anger of the past when he was so obviously trying hard to become a better person in his last few months? We talked about these things until we were blue in the face during the 12 hour drive north, and decided our #1 purpose for the trip would be to support Tadd's mother and teenaged half-brother (Tadd's mom and Cliff's son), and we would deal with the emotions of the situation whenever it becomes necessary. Cliff was cremated and the family got together to sprinkle his ashes in the woods by the pond on their vast property in Tennessee. Just before we left to drive back to Florida, Tadd went back into the woods by himself to say his last goodbyes to Cliff. I've never asked him what he "said" during that time, but I can only assume that he was trying to figure out how to make peace with his stepfather. I couldn't imagine having the weight of all of those years of abuse on my shoulders and then never have anyplace to put it now that the source of all that pain was gone. It's like feeling relief, sadness, loss, anger, guilt, all at once. But I do believe he did forgive Cliff during that trip. We still talk about it from time to time. We especially talk about what a shame it was that he waited until the year before his death to start respecting people. Tadd could have really used that version of his stepfather when he was growing up. But we can't change that and Tadd's doing okay now, so we try to let that go.

I don't really know what I'm getting at by posting this novel. I guess I at least somewhat understand that strange mixture of relief/regret/guilt you get when someone who caused you severe pain during their lifetime passes on. You feel relief because they can't cause you pain ever again, regret because you won't ever be able to make things right with that person, and guilt...I guess for feeling that small bit of relief at someone's passing.

I actually came here to post about my grandfather, who passed away on January 23rd, but after reading Thea's post, I felt compelled to share my FIL's story instead.

[Aimee]

Bump

[ejs]

I wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing. The anniversary of my mom's passing is rapidly approaching. I cannot believe that it's been three years. While I know that I'm managing better, every day I feel like something is missing.

I'm sad that my 4 1/2 month old son will never know her. But I show him her picture every day and tell him things about her. I realize that all I can do is tell him about her and teach him the things she taught me.

I hope everyone is doing well.

[tinagirl26]

Funny that this thread was just bumped up. My father died one year ago today, so that loss is weighing heavily on my heart right now. :(

He was only 63 and just died in his sleep one night - completely out of the blue and we were all just reeling from the shock! A year later, I still miss him terribly and think of him every day. I went to visit his gravesite on his birthday in September and it actually brought me some peace. I felt like I was finally able to tell him the things that I would have said to him if I'd have had a chance to say goodbye.

The thing that really breaks my heart though, is that he never met my DS. My DS was only 4 months old when my father died and we just hadn't made the trip out to visit him yet (my parents live(d) in Minnesota and I'm in California). Certainly, if I'd have known, I would have made the effort to fly out so he could meet his new grandson! But now my DS will never know his grandpa. And my dad sooo wanted to meet him - the last words he said to me in our last phone conversation were "Give that little one a big hug & kiss from me, since he's the only grandbaby I haven't met yet." This from a man who has always been reserved with his feelings and affection - so I know he was excited about the new baby in the family.

So, anyway, today I'm just walking around with a heavy heart. I feel like I've come a long way in the grieving process over the last year, but I'm certainly not done yet. I'm not sure I ever will be??

I'm so sorry that there's even a thread like this, but at the same time I'm kinda glad there is one... I hope all the rest of you are hanging in there as you work through whatever stage of grief you're in!

[ejs]

tinagirl, I can only share my experience with you. It's been almost three years since my mom died. I still miss her terribly and experience moments of horrible pain, but it has gotten a bit easier. The constant pain that I felt after she died is no longer there. I do always feel like a great part of me is missing, though.

So while you will never stop grieving, you will learn to manage and cope better.

[RobynScott]

Oh tinagirl - I am so sorry. And ejs for you too that the annoversary is coming up. I lost my dad 21 years ago this July :eek: - Crazy isn't it - I'm only 30. A friend of mine lost her dad unexpectedly last week - so reading your post tinagirl made me think of what she is / will be going through.

I am so sorry for your loss - just wanted to post my support. Sucks to be a member of this club.

[PaisleySloan]

Wow.. has been a long time since I've posted here. I guess I'm just about ready for father's day. I've decided since mother's day was an absolute nightmare spending the day at home, we're going to my uncle's house for father's day. Perhaps it will be a bit more bearable.

Hard to believe my dad's two year anniversary is coming up in August, and mom's in October. What the hell? Where does the time go?

I've been also walking around with a heavy heart. Not only mourning the death of my parents, but just that everything happened two months after H and I got married. We never had a chance to revel in being newlyweds. It's all catching up to us now. With the trust dissolved, and everything finished, it all seems like a big nightmare. Now it's like, wait a minute? When did I get married? Was that day all just a dream? Was it the happiest day of my life or the beginning of one of the worst periods of my life?

Yesterday was our two year anniversary: year one we spent closing escrow on my parents' home and moving. This year, I'm laid up after a minor surgery last week. It's just getting suckier and suckier. The weird thing is, my husband seems to be oblivious to this and while he acknowledges my grief, and is still grieving himself, I can't help but feel completely alone.

It's such a struggle everyday to maintain and hold back the tears; for the lost of my parents, for the strain on my marriage, for the emptiness in my heart - an emptiness that will never be filled. I hope it gets easier as time passes. Lately, it just seems to be getting worse.

I hope everyone is hanging in there. I'm thinking of all of you who have lost their loved ones, friends, husbands, children and just want to reach out and give everyone a big huge hug.

[ejs]

PaisleySloan, I can really relate to a lot of what you said. My mom died less than a year after our wedding. I couldn't look at my wedding pictures for more than a year because it was so hard to see pictures of the last happy family gathering. I couldn't "celebrate" my first wedding anniversary because it made me sad to think about my wedding. I've been married three and a half years and I still don't have any wedding photos in my house.

I think while our husbands try to understand what we feel, if they haven't gone through it, they don't really get it. While we have that hole that will never be filled, it sometimes feel like other people think we should be over it by now.

I don't see why you can't let yourself cry every day. When my mom was sick, she was friends with a man suffering from a brain tumor. He told my mom that he allowed himself to have a 5-minute pity party a day. He could cry, scream, be sad or mad, anything. But it could last only 5 minutes. My mom started doing that. And I've tried to do that since the one-year-anniversary of her passing. I'll be honest, sometimes I go past 5 minutes. But I'm glad I've given myself permission to still cry and be sad.

I'm sorry things have been so tough for you. As far as getting easier, all I can say is the pain is still intense for me, but it's not a constant anymore. Does that make sense?

Please know that we're here for you.

[PaisleySloan]

ejs, thanks for the reply! your words are always comforting. i know what you mean about the wedding photos. when i do look at them, i wish i could get that feeling back, you know? like everything was right with the world, and we were embarking on a new life.. a big adventure together. i remember when we were on our honeymoon, we were saying the wedding is over, it's all smooth sailing from here. the universe had other plans for us.

and as far as the crying goes, when i said maintain, i meant like at work and when i'm out in the world. i have allowed myself to be sad, and i do cry at least once a day.. lol. yeah, now i sound like one of those crazy people that is totally crying and then starts laughing. i think it's one of the best things you can do in this kind of situation.

i feel the pain lessening, but it's still been rough. i hope that it will get easier. my husband was urging me to go to the gravesite to feel 'closer' to them. to be honest, it doesn't make me feel closer to them at all. actually, it's almost like i'm disconnected from them up there. seeing their pictures, thinking about them, playing bocce ball and remember how much my dad loved the game and how surprised my mom was when he brought home the bocce set - that's the stuff that makes me feel connected.

i'm here for you all as well. even though i'm not an avid poster, i will still check in once in a while. i am signed up for the notifications, but never seem to get them when someone new posts. only once in a great while.

[JuliaK]

Part of me feels like I shouldn't be here yet but another part of me feels like I need to begin the process because I know it's gonna be a long hard road for me. As some of you know, my father was diagnosed in March with stage IV non-small cell lung cancer. That alone is hard to deal with since he's always been one of those "I haven't taken a sick day in over 3 years" type of person. Plus is was a week before DS's 4th birthday. I've never felt warm and mushy towards my father since he's far from being a warm and fuzzy person himself but I've always admired lots of things about him and in most aspects, I'm happy with the way I was raised. Since he was diagnosed in March, I've been on that non-stop dreadful rollercoaster ride. One week he's doing well, the next, he's in the ER. Yesterday I had to pick Father's day cards for him and it was really really hard. Hallmark really doesn't have a card for everything. Anyway, last week was a great week for him, maybe 6 1/2 on a scale of 1-10. This week has been a 2. I haven't even called him because he just sleeps all day and he needs the rest. My mother says he can't stay awake for more than five minutes. Well, yesterday I got the call that he was back in the ER. He hasn't eaten all week and and he's been so weak that he felt he needed to go back. He's beginning to become alittle disoriented but it's the weakness that worries me. I'm at that "Everytime the phone rings" point. I'm not ready for him to die. I need him, my kids need him, my mother needs him, his work needs him, you name it. I've only cried once since he first found out he had cancer and I don't know if I'm just not feeling something like I'm in denial or if I'm suppressing it somehow. I guess I just feel alittle lost. I'm sorry to anyone who might be thinking that I don't belong here because my father is still alive but at the same time, he's not. Not the way I know him anyway.

[PaisleySloan]

JulaK, you totally belong here. This is the place for this, no matter how much you feel you might be supressing something, or because he is still alive. You could be just being the strong one for your kids, your mom... you know?

I can totally relate to everything you're saying. My dad and I were relatively close, but that waiting game. Not being able to call because he couldn't stay awake. The first time he went into the hospital, he was fine for the first few days, but he rapidly went downhill. He didn't want to see anyone, and he couldn't really talk to us after they intubated him. We were lucky in that after he was diagnosed, it all went really quickly. He passed almost within two weeks of his diagnosis. My dad was a no-nonsense kinda guy! :)

Anyway, do you live nearby? Can you go see him? Perhaps that would help. It was really hard for me to see my dad or even call him. Everytime I would call him, I'd give myself the little pep talk not to cry, and evertytime he got on the phone, I would totally start crying.

I'm so sorry that you feel lost, but just know that you are not alone and we are all here for you. Keep us posted and you're in my thoughts and prayers.

[ejs]

JuliaK, it's no problem for you to be here. It's as if you've already started the grieving process and that's why we're all here.

One piece of advice is to say everything you need to to your dad. You don't want to have any regrets once he passes.

I wish you strength and peace.

[BerBer]

Today marks the 3 month anniversary of my Mom's Death. It is so hard... I keep feeling like there will be some magic potion to bring her back... I convince myself that if I go to mass everyday I'll have some sort of signal or sign from her. Typing it out here I see how silly it all is and that even with her gone I'm still bargining for her to come back. It is so hard to be here without her.

I am in a play this evening and it is our opening night, this is my first show she won't see. I could use some strength to get through the show so if you all are of the praying sorts please send some my way.

Such a cruel world this is at times...

Blessings to all of you feeling the pain of missing a loved on as well.

[ejs]

BerBer, I'm sorry you're experiencing this. You should be so proud of yourself for being able to be in the play. What a sign of strength! I'll be thinking of you tonight and wishing you strength.

[R_mageddon]

I hope your opening night was good BerBer

As for me...well, the first anniversaries of my dad and grandma's deaths have just passed. My birthday as well. My birthday was something to survive this year since my surprise party was interupted by my dad's death and my grandma died ON my birthday last year.

I was doing relatively well...healing, moving on with life, being able to look forward to things again etc, but these past few weeks I feel like I've regressed. I can only assume that it's because of father's day and the anniversaries, but it's frustrating to feel like I'd made so much progress and then to feel like all that hard work just unraveled on me.

It still all seems so unreal

I'm slowly pulling myself back together but for a good 2-3 weeks I've felt chaotic and emotional. I feel like a lunatic, like I'm losing my mind sometimes because my emotions are so inconsistant.

It bothers me to know that this will never go away. These weeks just demonstrated to me that no matter how much healing I do, it will never go away, that this hole will always be there. I sometimes wonder how a person can live the rest of their life missing someone that much. I guess I'll find out....but it makes me angry sometimes, that this is what my life has to be. It feels wrong.

[BerBer]

R_mageddon~ Gosh I can relate to everything you just wrote. It is so hard to move past the fact that a gigantic whole will always be there... forever, no matter how much 'healing' I do.

I also know how ya feel when you think you are doing so well for a while then BAM! 10 steps back. So frusterating... I always feel a little better if I just let my emotions go full out when I'm feeling them. Somehow the release seems to help me feel a little better than when I try to keep it together. Hugs to you.

[ejs]

I'm sure I've posted this before, but I'll say it again.

After my mom died, someone explained to me that grief is like the ocean - it rolls in on waves and then rolls back out, then inevitably, it rolls back in. It's been three years and I still have the ups and downs.

Please don't get too frustrated with yourself. What you're feeling is completely natural. (I know that doesn't make it any easier to deal with!)

[Adaya]

After my mom died, someone explained to me that grief is like the ocean - it rolls in on waves and then rolls back it, then inevitably, it rolls back in. It's been three years and I still have the ups and downs.



Thanks for sharing that. I really needed to read that right now.

[salysaturn]

DH's Grandmom just passed this morning. She was 99 years old, and "held" the family together as much as possible. Her kids faught and faught...daily, and used her as a pawn. Who ever had her, had control. Wherever she may be now, I know it's best. She has lived a long productive life.

[Adaya]

saly, so sorry to hear about your DH's grandmother. My thoughts are with you and your family. Take care.

[rene']

Hello everyone. I went to my stepfather's funeral yesterday. He died on July 11th at 74 years old of complications of diabetes. I am dealing with a LOT of guilt right now. He married my mom in 1981 when I was 10. He was good to me and my 4 brothers and sisters for the most part. He discovered he had diabetes and his personality changed a lot. He was happy one minute and yelling the next. My mom ended up leaving him in 1987. I stayed in touch with him for a while after that but then, after I moved away, I didn't stay in contact with him. He lived a troubled life after that. He was very lonely and depressed, so instead of keeping in contact with him, I stayed away from him. He lost a leg to diabetes a couple of years ago and was living in the VA hospital which is where he ultimately passed away. Now, he has died and I never told him how much I loved him or thanked him for all he did for my brothers and sisters. I didn't write to him, I didn't visit him, I didn't do anything but think about him. I guess I thought I had more time. Now I don't know if I can forgive myself for not reaching out to him. I keep thinking about how he felt that I never came to see him. We were his family.
My stepbrothers and stepsister included all of us in the funeral as family members, but I didn't treat him the way he deserved to be treated.

I hope he is finding the happiness in Heaven that he couldn't find on Earth. I hope I can forgive myself.

[diam124]

Hi everyone - I guess I need to vent and this seems like a good place to do it. My grandmother is currently facing death. She is 88 years old (and my last living grandparent and the one I was closest to). She has been sick with congestive heart failure for several years, but has taken a turn for the worse. I happened to be visiting last weekend (I live 5 hours away from my family) when she went to the ER because she couldn't breathe. I spent all day Monday with her in the hospital just holding her hand and keeping her company while she rested. On Tuesday I had to come home. I will be visiting again in 2 weeks but she told me she isn't going to live that long, so we said our goodbyes. That was so hard to do. I've been present when other family members have died, but I've never said goodbye to someone while they were conscious and aware of what was happening.

She asked me to forgive her for anything she has done to hurt me and I asked her to watch over us when she passes. It was just so hard to leave the room. I think you can never truly prepare yourself for something like that.

I've been very weepy today and I want to talk to her again and ask her to send me a sign when she passes that she is ok. I wanted to do it when I was with her but I thought it was too morbid. In the car today 3 songs came on and I felt like they were "talking to me". Make a Memory by Bon Jovi, Heaven by Los Lonely Boys and Mysterious Ways by U2.

I also want to thank her for something she did yesterday - she has refused to see my Dad since my parents divorced (she is my maternal grandmother). It has made holidays and family gatherings very difficult. Yesterday she asked to see him and she asked him to forgive her for her actions. What a powerful lesson that is on forgiveness. Just recently she was saying she didn't even want him at her funeral.

I have such a sad feeling today so I've been trying to call my Mom just to make sure everything is ok but she's not answering her phones.

[ejs]

diam, is there any way you can call your grandmother? Or send her a note? So many people have things they wanted to say to a loved one, but usually realize it too late. While it's horrible that your grandmother will probably pass soon, it's fortunate that you have a chance to tell her everything you want to say. I hope you are able to get in touch with her soon.

[diam124]

I think I am going to call her tomorrow. I just can't do it at work - I don't have enough privacy and I'll be a mess afterwards. Tonight I have an event that I have to go to straight from work. (I'm also not sure that she can reach her phone and she is wearing an oxygen mask, so I want to call when my Mom is there to help her answer the phone).

I am very grateful that I was able to say goodbye to her even if I don't get a chance to tell her these other things.

[ejs]

I think I am going to call her tomorrow. I just can't do it at work - I don't have enough privacy and I'll be a mess afterwards. Tonight I have an event that I have to go to straight from work. (I'm also not sure that she can reach her phone and she is wearing an oxygen mask, so I want to call when my Mom is there to help her answer the phone).

I am very grateful that I was able to say goodbye to her even if I don't get a chance to tell her these other things.

I hope it all works out for you. I understand about not being able to call from work. I wish you strength through this situation.

[Adaya]

Thinking of you both rene and diam.

[skyblu]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure whether I even belong on this thread. My Dad is still alive, but he has been in a come for almost 4 months. His doctors just gave us his diagnosis as "permanent vegetative state with pain reflex", which means a) no hope of him ever waking up, and b) he's not even getting the one "good" thing about being in a coma, which is NOT feeling pain. So basically my Dad is trapped in his body feeling pain and not being able to flinch away from it or communicate with the outside world.

My heart is breaking for him, and I know he'd much rather die. But there are no solutions, as we can't decide to remove life support because he is, ironically, not technically brain dead.

My sister and I go back and forth in our feelings, honestly, we sometimes wish he'd die peacefully in his sleep.

Oh, and my whole family (including him) is back home in Argentina, a 12-hour plane flight from me.

Adding to the complicated feelings is that for years, I didn't have a good relationship with him and I said means things about him, but recently we had mended bridges and he was very excited about my wedding this January. Now he won't be there to walk me down the aisle or dcance with me. He never got to do that with either of his daughters. He never got to hang out with his grandchild.

I almost feel that if he died, then we'd all be able to grieve completely. But it feels wrong to mourn him when he's not dead, does that make any sense?

Again, if I don't belong here I apologize. I know you all have suffered the actual death of loved ones so my situation is not the same, and I can't presume to understand the depth of the pain you all feel. :( I'm sorry.

[diam124]

Thank you for the thoughts ejs and Adaya. I was able to speak to my grandmother on the phone this afternoon. They have started her on morphine though so I'm not sure how much she really understood. She was sort of falling asleep at one point, but she did say ok when I asked her to send me a sign once she passes.

I'm sorry for your situation Skyblu. I imagine it is so hard to be so far away from your family. My grandfather suffered a massive stroke several years ago and lived for a year and a half totally paralyzed and towards the end he was comatose. It is so, so hard to see someone suffer and want them to pass peacefully but yet not want them to be gone. I hope you can all find peace.

[diam124]

My grandmother had a nice recovery after I posted in July. She never regained her physical strength (and was frustrated that she couldn't get out of bed) but she was very lucid again. DH and I were able to see her again the first weekend in August. She looked really good and we were laughing about how hard we were both crying the last time we saw each other. I told her I would see her again in October probably (since she would have been turning 88 then).

This week she took a rapid turn for the worse. Tuesday she was fine and out of bed and even called my sister on the phone. Tuesday night she had a bad breathing episode (she had congestive heart failure) and seemed to partially recover but I think it was just too much. By Wednesday evening she was grunting to answer questions and she never woke up after that. She died at 2am today with my mom, my uncle, uncle's wife and one of my sisters at her bedside. The hospice team told my Mom around 1:30am that the end was near so she was able to call my uncle (her only sibling) and my sister to come. She called me as well and I said some prayers while I layed in bed and waited for the news. I am very happy that she was at peace when she died and was unconscious. I know she was terrified that she was going to choke to death during one of her breathing episodes.

It is so strange to think that she's gone. She was my last living grandparent and the one I was closest to. I feel like my childhood is officially over (at the age of 30!) now that all of my grandparents are gone.

Thanks for letting me share.

[IrishEyes]

So sorry to hear of your grandmother's passing, diam. I understand your relief that she died peacefully. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

[diam124]

Thank you IrishEyes.

[princesse]

I am reading your posts feeling so sad for each and every one of you. I do not have a relative or close friend who has passed away. I'm a principal of a middle school and we have had a horrible summer. Just Friday a student I was very close to died. We have been through so much the past 3 years with her and over the past 10 years with her family. She had a newly diagnosed case of slight epilepsy and she had a seizure and drowned in the bathtub...she loved taking baths. She is such a beautiful creature I have no idea how I am going to stand being able to look at her lying there. I have had students pass away before...leukemia, car accidents, overdose. But this is hitting me the hardest for some reason. I was the closest to her I guess.

Also this summer we had a child who killed her father. The details are varied and many, but it has been just terrible. I'm so sad for our kids.

So many others are going through things that are more personal and intense. I just wanted to share my story and get my thoughts out here. I don't know what to do for the girl's family who died. They can't see past the next 3 minutes right now. I'm just devastated and cannot imagine how they are even going on right now.

[MrsSmith]

My mother's funeral was August 14th, not even a week ago. I don't feel sad right now (as in this very second), but I do feel incredibly lost. I feel void, completely. I want to move on, but I am immobile for reasons I can't explain. My mom had been sick and we'd had several conversations over the course of the last few years about what she wanted and everything. She died at home. My brother and I were the only ones there. It was something I'll never regret or forget. I'm just lost now. I don't want to go back to work, but I don't want to sit at home. I don't want to stay in her house any longer, but I don't want to be at mine either. I'm just in a constant state of confusion. I find it difficult to make simple decisions. I just feel like I need guidance and I'm just so lost and confused. Realizing that I can't call her for advice is what makes me sad, because she was always there to help me figure out everything. I'm not sure how long this will last, but I just want my confidence and determination back again.

[KrissyCat7]

I feel like my childhood is officially over (at the age of 30!) now that all of my grandparents are gone.
My grandmother died two years ago and I had the same feeling. I am so sorry for your loss diam.

My heart goes out to the rest of you as well.

[BerBer]

Mrs.Smith, I wish I could give you a hug right now. My Mom passed away on April 12 of this year and I was with her as well. Having been through this myself not too long ago you'd think I'd have something inspirational and 'right' to say... unfortunately I don't. All I can say is I know how you feel and all you can do is just be... and do what you feel is right day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute.

The enormous amount of pain you are feeling will one day not be at the forefront of your every waking moment after a while but I can honestly say that I think of my Mom so much and it does get easier. I started a thread back then regarding Motherless Daughters and so many people here offered me so much support and words of encouragement. It so helped me to read their stories just to know that I wasn't alone in it all.

Also my faith and prayer really helped pull me through the hard days and nights. I can't tell you how many nights I sat up with my Rosary crying the night away. I'm not sure if you are very religious if you are not maybe doing some meditation excersises will help calm your mind during the times when you hurt so badly you can't hear or think.

Again I am so sorry. My Mom's 48th birthday will be August 30th so this month hasn't been terribly easy for me either.

All the best,
Karly

[ejs]

MrsSmith: I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this. I know it probably doesn't help, but what you're feeling right now is completely normal. After my mom died, I, too, felt incredibly lost. And to be honest, I still feel that way sometimes.

Try to take some time to take care of yourself. If you need to spend a few days in bed crying, then do it. If you need to go away for a few days, then do that. Now is the time to take care of yourself.

[MrsSmith]

Thank you so much Karly. I am going to a grief support group offered by the local hospice tonight. I hope that helps. I'm of the state of mind where I want to talk about my mom and those last weeks and those memories from chidlhood. But it's difficult for people around me. My husband is the only one who is really ok helping me with that and listening. My friends are all about my age and they just can't understand what I'm going through. So, I hope that the group will provide me with some people locally who understand.

I expect that some days will be better or worse than others. Today is an ok day. I can actually talk about mama and not cry immediately. I can look at her obituary and not want to scream in disbelief. It's such a weird feeling to not have a mother. My mom's sisters are trying, but they can't compare and I don't know how to convey that without hurting their feelings.

I'm certainly spiritual and prayer has helped me this far. I was breaking down a few nights ago and hubby just grabbed my hands and we prayed for at least 20 minutes and I really did feel better.

I'm glad this is here. Sometimes it just feels good to vent and see that other people feel the same way. I'll check out the motherless daughters board too. Thank you again.

[MrsSmith]

ejs - thank you so much It helps to know that my feelings are like those that others have experienced. Because I don't know how to feel, I don't know what to do with the feelings, does that make sense? I feel like just driving and stopping when I run out of gas. I want to take this time to just relax and get my mind together. However, my job is rushing me to come back to work and I used all of my time off already. So, I'm in a bind, but it'll all work out. I keep telling myself that this is still fresh and if I don't deal with it now, I'll go crazy later.

[diam124]

I'm so sorry for your loss MrsSmith. I know some people think that being busy and going back to work will help them to deal with the loss, but I think everyone grieves differently. My Mom (who lost her Mom last week) has told all of us that she is in "hibernation" this week. She is just staying home and doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. Of course, she does not work and she lives alone so she is able to do that. I hope you find some comfort in the coming days.

[MrsSmith]

Hey ladies,

I must say that each day brings something different. I went to a grievance group meeting at the local hospice on Tuesday night and it was wonderful. I am definitely going back. Wednesday, I felt like going to take care of some business. So, I drove to my mom's house and was able to clear out some things and put them in storage. Then, I visited my dad and his mom and ended up spending the night there. I just got back home about an hour ago. But I feel refreshed today. I listened to the tape of the funeral service and didn't cry. I feel ok, but I still don't feel like being around a lot of people. My dad and I cried together yesterday and it was really refreshing. Who knows what the next few days or hours will bring, but I'm glad that today was like this. The nights are usually the worse, but I'm going to rent a comedy from Blockbuster and hopefully that will distract me until I can get to sleep. Thanks again for all of the support ladies.

[ejs]

MrsSmith, it's nice to read that you're feeling a bit better.

[MrsSmith]

I found a tape recorder where my mom had made some tapes of her talking about her life. She taped it almost exactly one year before she died. She was talking about her days in school and her first boyfriends and how much she enjoyed being a mom. It was really nice to hear her voice and hear her reflecting on life. I feel like she made that for us.

Today, I also found some old emails that she sent when she first got sick. It sure is funny how things change. She was just saying how she wasn't feeling well and was taking a couple of days off of work to rest and she'd feel better. She never got better...and now she's gone.

Next week is my brother's birthday. I feel sad that we have to celebrate it without our mother. She was BIG on birthdays! I mean, they were like national holidays...LOL...She would put up balloons around the house. And we always had cake. I'll miss that.

[diam124]

What a wonderful gift your mother left you MrsSmith. I'm sure you will treasure those tapes for years to come.

[Adaya]

MrsSmith, just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I just read your post about the tapes and emails she left you. What a gift to have from her. Take care.

Hugs and care to all of you.