In-Law's Getting Divorced

[LadyD088]

A little background:

IL's have been married for over 25+ years.

FIL cheated on MIL about 2-3 years ago. We thought that was the end of the marriage. This tore the family apart a bit. Their 2 sons (one my DH) didn't have anything to do with their father for awhile. Eventually, FIl & MIL reconciled and all was well.

Trust me, I know my MIL is not the easiest person to live with. She can be rather irritating and constantly mothering.

FIL had lost his job but now has a great job and great benefits and loves working there.

FIL suffered the loss of his mother December 2004, thus causing the loss of their (FIL & MIL) home. This caused them to have to move into an apartment together. That seemed to be going well.

We all took a trip to Chicago earlier this year - June. It seemed to be a great family vacation (was for a wedding).

There was talk last week of a possible divorce but that was just washed away, from what I know. And now, the shock of this today!!!

Cross Posted from Journal:
I am SPEECHLESS!!!

My MIL was served divorce papers this morning! I am in shock!! I have NO idea what the hell is going on. Ryan doesn't need this right now - he's completely pissed and sick to his stomach right now.

I have NEVER had to go through a divorce as an adult...Anyone have any advice that I can pass on to DH to help him through this? I was only 2 years old when my parents divorced and since then, I haven't known anyone CLOSE who's gotten a divorce that I've had to deal with. I just don't even know WHERE to being!!!

Thanks..Deb

[LILRTL]

Just offering support, babe. I'm here if you need to talk!!

[BethElena]

My parents went through a divorce with us all as adults. My FH was beside me the whole time - it was tough on my FH b/c he said he was "loosing a friend." (my dad was a complete @sshole through the whole divorce to us all). My thoughts and prayers go out to your family through this trying time!! If you need any support, just PM me. I'll respond as fast as I can.

[BTB]

I don't know what it's like to go through the divorce of someone close as an adult either, so I don't know how much this will help, but: I think the hardest part is not choosing "sides". Especially in divorces that are nasty and drawn-out, and both parties are hurt and bitter, spending time with one seems to wound the other and vice versa. Try to keep things even for a while, as childish as that may sound - if you visit MIL, visit FIL for equally long (once they establish separate residences). Don't give MIL a Christmas present that is substantially "less" somehow than what FIL gets, etc.

Of course this is next to impossible if one party decides to distance him/herself from the family, in which case you of course just respect that and try to keep the lines of communication open while still spending normal amounts of time with the other member of the former couple.

Best of luck.

[catch]

I'm so sorry you guys are going through this right now. My parents separated almost 3 years ago and it was just the most awful thing. My brothers and I had to hang on tight to each other because we just didn't know what to say to our parents. On the one hand, we lost our parents as a unit. On the other hand, we lost my dad all together when he moved to Florida with his girlfriend. That hurt. But on the other hand (yes, I have 3 hands, lol), my mom lost her husband, the person she thought she was going to grow old with. That part, us three kids, didn't understand. We all knew the marriage should've been over years ago and we didn't understand why my mom was so sad about it. We three grieved the lost of our dad and wanted our mom to comfort us, and we didn't comfort her. We didn't know how. I regret this so much. So when she picked up and left to her mother's house, in another country, we were hurt again. Lost mom and dad. Then we got angry and stopped talking to both of them. But mom came back 4 months later and things got better. It's been a hard road for her. She didn't work, she had to move to a smaller place. She had to find a job. She's trying to put my little brother through college. But ask her how she feels now? Pretty damn good. She feels free, but lonely. We try to visit and call her and make sure she's ok financially. We no longer speak to my dad.

So now that FH's mom is going through almost the same exact thing, I've encouraged FH to visit his mom more often, to call her, to help her heal as much as he can. He can grieve in his own way and I help him, but we have to be there for his mom. Because that was her buddy. FH's dad will always be his dad. That relationship can be fixed someday. But FMIL and FFIL will never be friends again and that's awful. She gets really depressed. Even though the marriage wasn't always good, the fact that she's 52 and has to face the future "alone" scares her.

The best advice I can offer you for your DH is to just take care of his mom. If he's close to his dad, then he should offer an ear to him too. But try to think of them as a couple breaking up, not your parents breaking up. Because they're still your parents, either way and you don't want to have to choose a side. We don't speak to my dad for a number of reasons, but not just because of went on between him and my mom. Things will be rough as you MIL adjusts, but they'll get better.

Good luck to you!

[Twylla]

I've also experienced this. My parents divorced when I was starting my last year of college. My brother and sister are younger and were both in the middle of everything, but I was an "adult" and was sort of left on my own. It was messy and painful, and I was sort of lost. Pushed aside since I was grown up enough the handle it. Yeah right. You're never ready for this.

I have to respectfully disagree with a PP who said to help DH take care of his mom. I don't suggest for a minute to ignore her or leave her to her own defences, but your DH is hurting right now, and he needs to know to take care of himself first. I got a lot of this. My brtoehr and sister leaned on me, my mom leaned on me, and my dad leaned on me. It's an incredibly stressful thing. My suggestion is for him to take care of himself first. Then, after he feels 100% prepared, he can allow others to lean on him.

Does MIL have a sister or very close friend that could become her support? I know I sound cruel in saying to take care of yourself first, but I had both of my parents and both of my siblings in tears to me. I nearly cracked from that pressure, forget about how upset I was about the situation. I leaned on DH (BF at the time, but we'd just been dating a short while) and that helped, but no one ever approached me about counselling. My brother and sister saw a counsellor every week.... I was under a lot of pressure with the family situation, plus I was an 8 hour drive away dealing with a very stressful college load, and it was almost too much for me. So help your DH first. Would he feel comfortable seeing a counsellor? Maybe suggest that and see what he thinks. Maybe you could also help your MIL find a counsellor.

My other suggestion is to accept what's happenned. Holding onto a "dream" of parents staying together/getting back together only makes reality more painful.

Take care of you and take care of your DH. I'll keep your family in my prayers. {{HUGS}}

[lawyerlee]

What a difficult situation. :( I know that when my uncle divorced his wife, we were in high school, and it was still really hard for my cousin. And it was hard for all of us, really. Divorce is never easy, and it is so hard to see your spouse suffering and hurting and worrying. Everyone else has had really good advice and suggestions, so let me just say that I'm sorry, and I hope you guys are able to get through things without too much strife. Take care. :(

[Tracie]

My inlaws divorced a few years ago. It's been a horrible situation because there have been a lot of lies and secrets. I think the hardest thing for my DH and his brother has been that their parents constantly put them in the middle. It got to the point where MIL would ask my DH to try to convince FIL to go back to her - obviously not DH's place or job! He's a lot better now about not allowing his parents to put him in that situation.

My advice is to listen when your husband needs to talk, or just let him be alone if that's what he needs (that's the way my DH is.) And try to stay out of the middle as much as possible.

[houseblend]

So sorry you and your DH are going through this. My parents separated when I was 25 and divorced when I was 28. Like you, I had no one around me that experienced parents divorcing as an adult child. I agree that your DH needs time to grieve and heal. This will likely be a very confusing time for him.

Three things helped me enormously through my parents divorce: 1. counseling (I could not have healed as well or fast without this), 2. a great support group called Adult Children of Divorce, and 3. my friends. I would highly recommend your DH check out the site www.acod.net. It is soley for adult children whose parents are going through a divorce.

The best thing you can do is offer a listening ear and give him time and room to explore his feelings. He may develop some insecurities about marriage over the next couple of years, but don't take that personally.

I'm here if you need to talk (feel free to PM me if you'd like).

(((HUGS)))