View Full Version : Some advice please..
08-11-2005, 10:53 PM
Ok so my husband and I went out to the bar tonight. We have been married a little over 2 months. A friend of mine (female) was out with a friend of hers(also female) I introduced everyone and things seemed to be fine. Then I noticed mt Dh seemed to be a tad to interested in the friend, I'll call her K. He was talking to her all night, even sitting next to her at the table instead of me. He even asked if it was Ok that they went to get something to eat together, since there is a pizza place in the same building across the hall of course I said sure. Then the 3 of them took off for about a hallf hour to go somewhere else to get pizza. When they came back he was sitting next to her again not me. He was joking and flirting with her, even to the point of saying things like "you are just intimidated by my good looks" and hitting her and putting his arm around her. He was definately flirting. ALOT.I know my man and I know when he is interested in a girl. WHen he left, ( he had to work early), he said goodbye to her and to me in basically the same way. A hug and then he left. Am I just a bitch or is something wronghere?
Have you talked to him about this? Has he done this before?
I prefer to sit across from my DH when we're somewhere because it's easier to talk; does he usually sit next to you?
I think you just calmly need to tell him how his behavior made you feel.
08-11-2005, 11:07 PM
No this has not happened before, it justhappened, he is asleep and I haven't talked to him yet.
08-12-2005, 04:29 AM
I don't know--I think I would've felt the same way as you described. I know everyone has felt it at least once--when your significant other starts treating someone else the same way he/she USED to treat you..this tiny little green monster starts kicking in.
I would DEFINATLY talk to DH about this and figure out what's going on here. Perhaps talking to your friend who brought her friend and ask what happened when they all headed out for pizza. If something happened, you need to know.
On the other hand- some men figure that once they are married they can pretty much do whatever they please since they are already commited to someone. They figure a little "harmless flirting" wont make any differance, and in that frame of mind, they really hurt their spouse.
I'm super sorry that you were treated that way. If this is something that is really bothering you, I would definatly sit down and clamly talk about this with him.
(I really hope this made sense--I'm on my pain meds right now--so I apologize if it's a little scatter brained! :rolleyes: )
08-12-2005, 07:37 AM
I would tell him that his behavior was very inappropriate, hurtful, disrespectful, and should not happen again! He may have not realized how obvious it was, but he needs to know.
08-12-2005, 09:15 AM
Not okay. NOT okay.
I would be livid. I'd ask him/try to figure out why he thinks it's appropriate to flirt with another woman in front of you - or to go somewhere privately with her w/out you. Is he resentful about something in your marriage right now? That's "acting out" behavior.
08-12-2005, 09:19 AM
Wow, I would be beyond hurt and pissed.
08-12-2005, 11:26 AM
I would be hurt, too. Definitely tell him how it made you feel.
08-12-2005, 12:10 PM
I would be p*ssed - in fact, I probably would have made a scene while it was happening.
Agree with the other posters - you need to tell him how awful it made you feel and how inappropriate his behavior was.
08-12-2005, 12:15 PM
Phil has done that before (but not nearly to that degree - he would never go off somewhere with another girl and not invite me along) and I've playfully knocked my shoulder into his and said "um, helloooo, remember me? Ya know, the wife? " with a smile and that usually clues him in that he needs to cool his heels.
Definately say something... you don't want him to think that you're okay with him acting like that. He's a man, and some of them just don't understand how things that seem innocent to them can be hurtful to us.
08-12-2005, 03:46 PM
Well we had a long talk/fight that lasted most of the night. For the record, I guess I worded it wrong about him going for pizza with her, it was with her and a friend of his nit just her. Anyway he became very upset, defensive, you name it but eventually it boiled down to him apologizing profusely and saying he was joking around, was in no way attracted to her, and he did not mean it to seem that way. He promised it was innocent but he is sorry to have caused me any pain and that it will never happen again. I do believe him and we are doing well now and I hope this won't happen again.
08-12-2005, 04:06 PM
I'm glad to hear it! I hope it doesn't! :)
08-12-2005, 04:43 PM
Same here! I hope DH now will able to catch himself even if he is joking in the future! Glad to hear all is well :)
08-12-2005, 09:24 PM
Yikes, I would have been pissed! That's not the way a married man should be acting, IMO. I know it was probably very very innocent, but still...he needs to have respect for you!
I'm glad to hear things are better now...
08-12-2005, 10:00 PM
I'm so glad to hear you guys talked about things. That could have slowly become a bigger issue if you hadn't been honest about how his behavior made you feel. It is important to get stuff like that out in the open! :)
08-13-2005, 11:11 AM
Glad you were able to talk to him. It sounds like he understands better now, so hopefully it won't become an issue again down the road.
08-13-2005, 11:23 AM
My DH could have written your post several years ago (I don't remember if we were married yet). I had a few beers in me & I was enjoying talking to my friend's (female) friend (male). After the bar we went to a restaurant, & I purposely put my hand in DH's lap to, what I thought, reassure him. Eventually he just got up & walked out. I think he said he had to make a phone call. When he didn't come right back I went out to look for him (we were in North Beach in SF), and we had a bit of a fight outside. At first I was pissed that he didn't trust me, that he wasn't letting me be me. In fact, I'm a natural flirt but rarely cross the line, and DH has always gotten a kick out it. I guess this time he felt like the guy was coming on to me (which I thought was ridiculous).
I think we both ended up apologizing, and since then I've been very, very careful about my interactions. I'm still a flirt I guess, but I'm definitely reigned in. And DH has never shown jealousy again. Not even at my 10th year HS reunion, when my freshman-year crush was showing a lot of interest in me :).
You guys did the right thing by talking it out, and if he's anything like me, you'll see gradual but distinct changes over time.
08-14-2005, 07:40 AM
It's really good that you sorted this out now. At least he is aware of how things looked, how it made you feel, and that he should maybe be more careful in the future. (any type of flirting is disrespectful towards you)
I would be hurt but that's good he apologized sincerely and promised it wouldn't happen again.
08-14-2005, 07:49 AM
Since y'all have only been married for two months, you did the right thing by talking/fighting it out. It's important to handle things like that at the beginning of the marriage, as you are more likely to do this (talk about it)again since it worked for you both this time.
I HOPE there is not a next time, but it sounds like you might know how to handle it better if there is. Pulling him to the side when he's doing it and talking about it then might be helpful too. Maybe he just doesn't realize he's doing it or how it's making you feel.
08-16-2005, 09:00 PM
Thank you all so much for the support, things are great now and I am so glad I dodn't let things slide.
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