Succesful breastfeeding with one child but not the second?

[ihearttx]

I just had my son 10 days ago and we are going to have to cease breastfeeding. It is a long, drawn out story, but after visits with lacation consultants, the pediatrician, etc etc etc, it just isn't going to work. If he was my first and only child, it might have worked, but he is my second and my daughter is 3 1/2 and has activities she needs to go to etc, and I can't spend all day and night with the baby and not be able to leave the house, which is what the current situation is.

Anyway, has this happened to anyone else? I nursed my daughter until she was 16 months old, so this is a bit of a shock to me. I know every baby is different and we have to do what's best not only for the baby, but for the family as a whole, but it's still so distressing to me. I would love to hear from some other mamas who have gone through this before and how they dealt with the guilt.

I know I'm making the right decision..not second guessing it..but I still feel awful about it.

[ShelbyMay]

I don't have any helpful advice, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone. My son is 2 weeks old (DD is 2.5) and I am struggling with the BFing this time around. I have not yet decided what to do. I feel guilty for wanting to quit. :( We are having latch issues, and he wants to nurse constantly, and I'm not getting any sleep, and I miss my DD and husband.

[ihearttx]

I saw your comfort nursing thread. :( I am so sorry we are both going through this. It is so hard when the first baby was so easy to nurse and had no problems. The good news is, like the pediatrician told me, when I come back for his 1 month visit, I will either have a happy, healthy, thriving breastfed baby, or a happy, healthy thriving formula fed one. So not to beat myself up because I have to do what's best for the baby and the family.

:(

[mmm0708]

This happened to me. I nursed my son until he lost interest around 15 months.

My son was 23 months when my daugther was born. (so there is that added responsibilty, on top of fighting so hard to maintain the nursing) She had latch issues from day one. Overcame that, and then she got an ear infection at 3 months and she didn't want to nurse. I got thrush, she got thrush, she got another ear infection... just one hurdle after another. My periods returned very early, wrecking havoc on my already struggling supply. I tried supplements, hospital grade pump, etc. But, overall, she just didn't have the desire to do her part to make the relationship work and I lost the will to fight. :( I held out as long as I could... but I ultimately started supplementing with formula. I was devasted. I think she was around 6-7 months when I started to supplement. I was so exhausted by that point...

It was hard. Getting through the first month and all the growth spurts with my son... and going until 15 months, I was proud. Then my daughter came along and I just took for granted that it would have the same outcome. I felt like a complete failure. I felt guilty, because my son had a "better" start. All those feelings... :( It was a hard time.

[kemorr]

I have 3 kids - a 2.5 yo and two 5 month olds. With DD1 I was gung ho to EBF for 12 months. Totally anti-formula. I stopped nursing her at 4.5 months due to horrible latch, awful reflux causing breast refusal and crappy supply. I exclusively pumped for another 2 months, but stopped that when my supply crashed and burned, despite supplements, lots of pumping etc. I too, spent lots of $$ on consultants, supplements etc.

Then along came the twins. I wanted to BF but was putting no pressure on myself due to my experience with #1 and because there were two of them. DS is exactly the same as DD1. Has bad reflux, refuses the breast, fights/screams etc. DD2 - totally different. I think if she were my only child, I could happily EBF her. She eats in about 10-15 minutes, is happy nursing, has a good latch, gets the job done etc etc. Night and day to my two other kids. Unfortunately, because her brother won't nurse, I am now only nursing her once a day and pumping the rest of the time for both of them. I felt guilty that DD2 was getting so much more BM than DS - who wouldn't nurse and the only solution to that was to pump and distribute it evenly.

So, the point to my story is that every baby is different. I used to think it was my fault but now I see that no matter what I did, DD1 and DS probably just weren't cut out to be exclusive breast-feeders. I did nothing different with DD2 and she is totally different. Just a different baby.

[sake]

I can relate. When I was pregnant the first time around with DS, now 2 and a half, I was the nursing nazi, despite not yet being a mother! I couldn't understand why anyone dared give their child formula. To make a long story short, he was exclusively FF from about 3 months. With DD, now 3 months, I have been exclusively BF despite problems at the beginning. It's hard when DS says "no more feed the baby" especially when she was a few weeks old and would sometimes nurse for 3 hours straight. I feel terribly guilty because DD is getting something DS never got. Now my problem is that DD will not take a bottle. Oh, the irony...

[lady1297]

I'm sorry to hear that things are so rough for you. I know it was hard with the second child, mine was Failure To Thrive, so we spent many hours sitting in the recliner with DS1 reading, coloring and doing crafts while DS2 nursed. It was stressful. We did do activities, I took both boys to library story time each week, just put DS2 into a sling and nursed when I had too, but it did have it's own stress doing it that way too. I hope you find some peace with stopping. Mommy guilt can be brutal. You've given him 10 days of breastmilk which is more than many babies get. It does sound too, though, that you may be overwhelmed a bit in general, so give yourself some rest and relaxation as you recover from the birth of your sweet baby. Running around with a 3.5 year old can exhaust anyone, especially a Mom recovering from birth. So don't over do it.

[BTB]

I used to think it was my fault but now I see that no matter what I did, DD1 and DS probably just weren't cut out to be exclusive breast-feeders.

I agree 110% that every child is different and will throw parents a different curveball than the previous. I'm finding it hard to understand, though, what the above means - how could a child not be but out to be breast-fed? What would have happened to that child 100, 500, 1000 years ago? I can see how life circumstances, family circumstances, financial circumstances, etc. could be enormous obstacles, but the child him/herself?

[Niobe]

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I agree 110% that every child is different and will throw parents a different curveball than the previous. I'm finding it hard to understand, though, what the above means - how could a child not be but out to be breast-fed? What would have happened to that child 100, 500, 1000 years ago? I can see how life circumstances, family circumstances, financial circumstances, etc. could be enormous obstacles, but the child him/herself?

The child would have been given a rag dipped in goat's milk to suck on, and likely would have died due to failure to thrive. Pretty common occurrence. It wasn't *just* poor sanitation and lack of modern medicine that caused the extremely high infant mortality rates.

[Sarah]

The child would have been given a rag dipped in goat's milk to suck on, and likely would have died due to failure to thrive. Pretty common occurrence. It wasn't *just* poor sanitation and lack of modern medicine that caused the extremely high infant mortality rates.

But do you think that's because that child is somehow physiologically different from others? I doubt it. Most likely that child would have nursed from a wetnurse if the mom couldn't, or the other factors that make BFing difficult (job, other kids, husband, life pressure, etc) wouldn't exist or would be helped by the community. I don't think it was common for kids to just die from refusing to nurse.

[Niobe]

But do you think that's because that child is somehow physiologically different from others? I doubt it. Most likely that child would have nursed from a wetnurse if the mom couldn't, or the other factors that make BFing difficult (job, other kids, husband, life pressure, etc) wouldn't exist or would be helped by the community. I don't think it was common for kids to just die from refusing to nurse.

Some children *do* have physical difficulties nursing though - from being tongue-tied or having a cleft palate, to simply having a weak suck that leads to the mother's milk failing. And it's really silly to say that outside factors would have made nursing easier - beyond the experience of other women in the community to help you get started, which would be a great asset of course. But the day to day life? Why on earth wouldn't other children exist? You'd have as many as you could conceive and carry until you died or went through menopause. Husbands were out of the house from sun up to sun down and had little interaction with their children until the boys were old enough to take out with them. Your job may not have taken you away from your children for 8 hours a day, but life pressure? You mean the pressure to grow your own food and cook it over a fire you built, serving it on plates you made? Wearing clothing produced from sheep you raised, wool you sheered, carded, spun, dyed, wove, and then sewed into a garment? Building a home from the very ground up, usually with a dirt floor and a bed of straw ticking covered in bedding that you made through the same processes as your garments? And let's not even go into what happens when someone gets sick. You don't think life might have involved a *bit* more pressure than today's women experience?

[kemorr]

But do you think that's because that child is somehow physiologically different from others? I doubt it. Most likely that child would have nursed from a wetnurse if the mom couldn't, or the other factors that make BFing difficult (job, other kids, husband, life pressure, etc) wouldn't exist or would be helped by the community. I don't think it was common for kids to just die from refusing to nurse.

Actually, it wasn't that uncommon. Only the rich could afford wetnurses and they didn't exactly have pumps so that "someone else from the community" could pump breastmik and give it to the kid. Niobe is right, kids who couldn't or wouldn't breastfeed for some reason were given sugar water, cows or goats milk dipped rags and generally died.

And BTB I kind of take offense to your statement. Because, I've spent a lot of money, time and effort trying to get my kids to BF exclusively (more so with #1 than #2) and pumped for them when it failed. And DD2 (a twin) breast feeds easily when her twin brother doesn't. So, it's NOT life, family or financial circumstances that are affecting my DS but not his twin sister. And, until YOU'VE had personal experience trying to BF kids like my DD1 and DS, you just don't know.

[Niobe]

I do wonder though, if physical difficulties with nursing, both on the part of the mother and the child, might not become increasingly common. If there is any genetic component to the issues - like milk production or difficulty with sucking - these issues would have not been passed on with any great regularity in previous generations, because those children would have died and the traits would not be passed on. If the issues pop up now, we can just give the child a bottle and they grow up and reproduce just fine. But those genes would be passed on, and their children may experience the same problems. Something to consider, that it really might be more common today, after a couple generations of formula and bottles.

[BTB]

So, it's NOT life, family or financial circumstances that are affecting my DS but not his twin sister. And, until YOU'VE had personal experience trying to BF kids like my DD1 and DS, you just don't know.

But that's why I asked. I'm not trying to offend, it was just a striking statement when I read it. Certainly there are children who did die prior to the availability of bottles and formula, I'm not saying it's not possible that there are babies who can't breastfeed, no matter what - just wondering what happened to or was intrinsic to your two.

[kemorr]

Both DD1 and DS had/have very bad GERD. DD2 has it as well, but it is mild. DD1 also had milk protein intolerance and whilst we haven't gone down that path with the twins, I wouldn't be surprised if they both have it as well. I know some reflux babies nurse lots to help soothe their stomachs, but other reflux babies hate nursing and my DD1 and DS were in that category. They both screamed, turned bright red and arched their backs, straining away from the breast. I tried all manner of positions, dark rooms, different times, worked with 3 different LCs etc to try to get them to latch on, but when a baby doesn't want to latch, a baby doesn't want to latch. Bottle feeding them isn't a vacation either, we have to bounce them, swing them etc to get them to eat, but if we bottle feed them very upright, they seem to be happier with that. So yes, to answer Sarah's question, I guess there is something physiologically different about my kids.

[jennylou]

I just had my son 10 days ago and we are going to have to cease breastfeeding. It is a long, drawn out story, but after visits with lacation consultants, the pediatrician, etc etc etc, it just isn't going to work. If he was my first and only child, it might have worked, but he is my second and my daughter is 3 1/2 and has activities she needs to go to etc, and I can't spend all day and night with the baby and not be able to leave the house, which is what the current situation is.

Anyway, has this happened to anyone else? I nursed my daughter until she was 16 months old, so this is a bit of a shock to me. I know every baby is different and we have to do what's best not only for the baby, but for the family as a whole, but it's still so distressing to me. I would love to hear from some other mamas who have gone through this before and how they dealt with the guilt.

I know I'm making the right decision..not second guessing it..but I still feel awful about it.

I guess I'm confused why you can't leave the house? We were on the go from the get go with my 2 year old and NB. Why can't you take the baby with you when you are trotting your 3 year old around? Get a sling or wrap for when you're out and about and you'll be able to nurse on the go.

You gave the best to your DD, don't you want to put forth the effort to give the best to your DS? I'm not trying to be mean or snarky, just something to think about. You're only 10 days PP - your hormones are likely all over the place, you're trying to figure out a schedule with two, etc. Why not at least try to get through past the three week growth spurt? See if things settle down at that point?

[miaclear]

Is the issue about leaving the house and not comfortable with BFing in public? Or are there more issues (which is why I'm guessing you'd seen a lactation consultant). I think 10 days is pretty early to throw in the towel if you really want to EBF #2. Could you try pumping, even if you can't give her BM exclusively it sounds like you really want to give your #2 the same opportunities you did #1.

[littlemia]

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how could a child not be but out to be breast-fed? What would have happened to that child 100, 500, 1000 years ago? I can see how life circumstances, family circumstances, financial circumstances, etc. could be enormous obstacles, but the child him/herself?

Just as some women are not able to get pregnant and give birth vaginally without medical intervention, for some babies breastfeeding does not come naturally. I have one of those kids. She had oral motor problems and would not and could not breastfeed well enough for proper growth. I ended up pumping and feeding her while she slept until she was about 10 months old. Her case is not common for a child who does not have other special needs but it does happen. Baby feeding devices have been found in archaeological sites so there have always been babies who did not breastfeed. Although I do wonder like Niobe if breastfeeding problems are increasing because traits that cause breastfeeding difficulties are being passed on instead of dying out.

[hub1176]

I guess I'm confused why you can't leave the house? We were on the go from the get go with my 2 year old and NB. Why can't you take the baby with you when you are trotting your 3 year old around? Get a sling or wrap for when you're out and about and you'll be able to nurse on the go.

For me, I never was comfortable NIP, never. And I never got the hang of slings. If I didn't have the job I did, I probably would not have been able to nurse DD2 as long as I did.
FWIW, DD1 was born tongue tied, and by the time they clipped it (2 days later) it was too late. 2 LC's and our very "pro BF" nurse practitioner couldn't get her to latch. It was awful. The one thing I wish I had done with DD1, was get a good pumping schedule so she could still get EBM.

[ihearttx]

I guess I'm confused why you can't leave the house? We were on the go from the get go with my 2 year old and NB. Why can't you take the baby with you when you are trotting your 3 year old around? Get a sling or wrap for when you're out and about and you'll be able to nurse on the go.

You gave the best to your DD, don't you want to put forth the effort to give the best to your DS? I'm not trying to be mean or snarky, just something to think about. You're only 10 days PP - your hormones are likely all over the place, you're trying to figure out a schedule with two, etc. Why not at least try to get through past the three week growth spurt? See if things settle down at that point?

I said in my OP that it is a decision that was already made. And it is. Trying to drive my 3 1/2 year old to and from preschool (it is only 3 hours a day) while having to spend close to 2 hours nursing and then pumping with bleeding cracked nipples and the knowledge that my DS will probably (most likely) never latch to the breast properly..sorry, not an option.

I had to come to peace with the decision to stop breastfeeding..what I was looking for in this thread was someone who had been through something silmilar. Not people giving me lectures on breast vs. formula. I know what is "best". I breastfed my DD for 16 months. I am not happy about this but my son will still thrive and live a normal, happy life having had formula.

[Dally]

I haven't been through this (I have just one child and she was BF'd like your daughter), but I just want to say that when you're feeling badly about the situation, reread what you wrote here: I am not happy about this but my son will still thrive and live a normal, happy life having had formula.
It IS going to be just fine. You can only do what you can do. You've been through the hardest part--you made the decision. Now it's about moving forward. ((()))