Result/Impact of having only sons and no daughters

[sparkesq]

(First, I just wanted to say that I haven't been on CC that long, but I'm really enjoying it so far).
I often think about the result/impact on a mother by having only sons and no daughters because I have 2 sisters and no brothers and DH has 1 brother and no sisters. Over the years, I have so many memories of me and my sisters going shopping with my mom and as my sisters and I got older, giving my mom fashion advice - taking her to get her eyebrows waxed, helping her buy designer handbags and sunglasses, putting make-up on, talking about relationships and other girly stuff. We also all had so much fun buying house stuff and giving each other advice in that regard. Finally, my mom was very involved in planning my wedding and my sister's wedding and will have fun when my youngest sister gets married. To this day, my sisters and my mom and I love getting together without my dad. Then, I think of MIL who is and was a wonderful mom to her 2 boys. But sadly, when the whole family is together like during the holidays and she wants to go shopping, no one wants to go with her. I find that she's always showing me things she likes in catalogs and we talk about shopping and house decor, etc. Long story short, I really hope I have at least one daughter and I wonder how my life would be with only sons. Anyway, just wondered if others think/thought about this.

[Guinness]

I will bite . . . I have thought about this a lot as I was pregnant with my 2nd who I was SURE was a girl. I have to say I have thought of the pros of having a girl and a boy. For me, I 'thought' having a girl would mean at least someone would make our family the priority later in life. In otherwords, we often do major holidays with my family. I talked with a few really good friends about this who had very different experiences in later life. For example one close girlfriend is an only child and they do EVERYTHING with her husband's family. Manytimes they invite her mom to join them. My DH is from a family of 6, 4 girls. They don't have anything close to the relationship with their mother you describe. She hates to shop, they hate to shop. From my perspective they typically go to their DHs family for major holidays (my DHs family does other holidays like 4th of July). They are extremely close, just in a different way then my family.

Anyway, what I have concluded. As you step into motherhood you are rooted good or bad by how you grew up - some want things very similar, some want things very different. What you have to remember is families evolve and dynamics are a result of the people not the gender. I grew up with one brother. So I didn't experience having a sister. I am beyond excited that my boys have a brother. I 'hope' they will be very close - I can't control that. I may have another child - but I can't pick the gender and I don't think picking the gender would define the relationship. The relationship can grow in many directions. Maybe I will go shopping with my boys, maybe not - but I will get to spend quality time with them one way or another. Maybe it will be sports or traveling or building forts or going to plays or concerts. Who knows.

If I have learned anything in my short time as a mother it is that the love you have for them is so beyond words and not gender specific. I worried about things like this early on, what my relationship will be like with kids as a mother, how I balance work and family - the reality is I don't have much control. I can't pick the gender of my children unless I adopt (which we may), and work/family balance plays out based on needs and what feels right. Let life take you in unknown directions. I think living life thankful for what you do have instead of regretful for what you don't have will make for a richer life. I think it is shortsighted to think mothers without daughters will have less of a life experience because of the relationship you had with your mother and sister. Cherish it, but don't try to recreate it. Let relationships with your kids/family create themselves. I can guarantee you will be happily surprised :)

[kdotp]

I think Guinness is spot on. It really boils down to personality and family dynamics rather than just gender.

I grew up with only sisters and, while we get along great now, it wasn't always the case. Our mom was always willing to play beauty parlor or shop or whatever with us, but I usually preferred to do things by myself. Even if I hadn't had two sisters, I think I'd still be independent because that's just my personality.

MIL only had two boys. She's said she always wanted a daughter, but I think she loves the fact she had two boys and always got to be the Mom. Even now when we go visit she still is the Mom to DH. (Here, let me throw a load of laundry in the wash. Let me make your favorite foods. etc...) FIL is a dear and will consent to going along on shopping trips with MIL.

I now have a DS and a DD and while I like to think of doing all sorts of fun, girly stuff with DD, I don't know if that's how it will actually turn out. It's almost setting yourself up for disappointment if you do have specific ideas in mind of what your relationship will be and they don't end up that way, YK?

[BTB]

It really boils down to personality and family dynamics rather than just gender.

Totally. Having a daughter doesn't guarantee any particular set of experiences with her. She's going to be an individual and may hate shopping, fashion, and eyebrow waxing. My mom has two daughters, and neither of us are 'girly'. My sister was a total jock, and I was always the brainiac.

[mamax2]

I think it depends on the individual parents personalities as well as the children. I ALWAYS wanted to have 2 DDs and 1 DS. It's just the family I dreamed of since I was a little girl. Part of it is because I did assume at least one of the girls would be a 'girly girl' like I was (I always enjoyed playing with dolls, playing teacher, other nurturing activities). I also really wanted DDs that I could expose to experiences I never had (like playing team sports). The other part of it is simply that I have a great relationship with the women in my family - my Mom, my Aunt, cousin, grandmothers. I wanted to continue to share that with my DDs as well.

On the flip side, I have always wanted a son as well, just because it's something that's different and new. Mystery of the unknown and all ;)

I think for some of us, the desire to have particular genders is very strong and for others, not so much. Some of us have a clear vision and desire to have a DD or a DS and others just never really gave it a thought.

[December27JJB]

I agree with everyone else, it depends on the parents and the childrens personalities.

My aunt had 7, yes seven boys. They tried and tried for a girl but never got one. In the end, she had ONLY granddaughters except for 2 grandsons. ;)

[twinnyme]

My aunt had 7, yes seven boys. They tried and tried for a girl but never got one.

Interesting, December27JJB. DH's paternal grandparents had 7 boys, too, no girls. They would tell people who asked each time, "what is it?" simply "another one." :p

I have two girls and won't be having any more children. I was the biggest tomboy ever as a child and hope that at least one of my girls will be that way. My first one so far seems to be the girliest girl ever, which is very strange to me.

I think you adapt to whatever you have and learn to love it. I've actually read some articles about this in parenting magazines and the idea is usually that "I wanted only BOYS/GIRLS and got the opposite. I had no idea what to do with them at first, but now I couldn't imagine my life any other way."

Plus, eventually, with your boys, maybe you'll have DILs to do things with you that you are now doing with your MIL. :)

ETA: I have to say, I'm really glad I had girls, because I know girls in some ways at least (grew up with two sisters and a brother). Since we were only having two children, we were kind of hoping for one boy and one girl, but I really don't know what I would have done with a boy(s). I'm sure I would have figured it out, though, and learned to love it!

[Dreshny]

My mom grew up with two sisters and a brother. She desperately wanted a daughter, and she got me, her eldest child. She had hoped I'd be interested in playing with dolls and teacher like she did growing up, but I never liked that stuff. I was more interested in doing art projects and performing, which weren't her interests in the least. I always felt like I'd let her down in some way, though it turned out later we had other compatible interests and similarities. After me, she had three more children, all boys, though she'd hoped for another girl. In some ways, though, she was closer to my brothers growing up than she was to me.

When I was pregnant with my first, I wanted a daughter terribly because I'd only had brothers, and I got a son. I was disappointed. But a son for me was a known entity. It was like having another little brother.

Now I'm pregnant with a daughter, and totally thrilled, but it's a big unknown for me. How do you change a girl diaper? How do you dress one? I'll adapt, I'm sure. ;) But I wouldn't presume that a daughter will like what I like or be like me just because she's also female. My son, on the other hand, I already know is A LOT like me, at least personality-wise.

So now I'm very happy that I'll get to experience both genders, and I'll soon find out what it means.

[Jen309]

Right now I have 2 boys and I love them so much for who they are, and they are so different. I think the same would be true even if one was a boy and the other a girl... you love them and their personality, not what mold they should fit in (gender roles) - I hope that doesn't come off as offensive, that's not what I mean... I'm not saying you wouldn't love them no matter what, but don't bother to get hung up on boy v. girl b/c you never know their personalities, and who knows, maybe you'll have a boy who's really into eyebrow waxing and home decor... I've got several male friends who are, IYKWIM :p

So to sum up, you never can tell what a family dynamic will be, hence why they are all different, even in households with the same number/gender of children. Whatever happens will be fine, I think the only effect on a mother is if she sets herself up for something and doesn't get it or isn't willing to accept what she has (general 'she').

[scout]

As others have said, it really depends on the person. I have a friend who was terrified of having dds, and is much happier being a boy mom. I also know so many of my friends who have terrible relationships with their mothers, and I have to admit I was a bit worried about having a dd myself. Now that my dd is here, I'm thrilled, but I do worry about the teen years, our future relationship, etc. I know very few adult daughters (in my circle of friends) who are close with their mothers.

[allyray231]

It really boils down to personality and family dynamics rather than just gender


I agree with this. I have always thought that whatever I have is whatever I have. If I have another child would I like a girl?? Sure but it doesn't mean that out relationship will be better. My brother is closer to my mom and I am closer to my dad.

I personally love having a boy and think it is the greatest thing ever-but granted I don't know any different :)