Telling people about TTC problems?

[ShelbyMay]

DH and I have been TTC for about 6 months now and haven't told anyone. I've been worried that there might be something wrong (I know that 6 months is not such a long time, but still I worry.) and not sure what we would do if another 6 months or so passes because our current insurance plan does not cover ANYTHING related to infertility. I am afraid to even mention my concerns to my doctor for fear of establishing a "preexisting condition".

Now our company is thinking about changing insurance providers, and I get some input on the plan that we choose. It's a family business, and the boss is my mom. I'd like to find out about the infertility coverage of the available plans, but so far can't bring myself to bring up the subject. It feels SO awkward! First of all, I don't like talking to my mom about my sex life. I know I am a grown woman, but it is still weird. Secondly, I don't want to put her in a position as the plan administrator where she has to lie about anything. She'll have to state on our application forms that she doesn't know of any other health conditions among her employees. If I tell her that we may have fertility problems, then she'd kind of have to lie on the forms.

We don't have any printed materials about the plans and have to get all of our questions answered by our insurance agent. I also can't picture myself telling this 50-year-old man about our TTC woes.

On the other hand, how stupid would it be if I could sway the "boss" to choose a plan with infertility coverage, but chose to keep quiet and not ask due to my embarassment?

I really wish we could keep our private life private. Any suggestions?

[kimthebride]

Well, when chosing insurance there is a general list of things you want to know about. Make a broad list and include what you want to know in there:
- General health maintenenace
- Copays
- Prescriptions
- Surgeries
- Hospital stay
- Emergency care
- Long term illness treatments (cancer, etc)
- Short term injury treatment (broke bones, etc)
- Family planning
- Family coverage
- Dental
- Vision
- Specialist referrals

And so on. Ask to see the details on each of these main decision factors, and you should be able to get what you want without spilling the beans.

[Jane&Andy]

She'll have to state on our application forms that she doesn't know of any other health conditions among her employees. If I tell her that we may have fertility problems, then she'd kind of have to lie on the forms.

I don't think this would be considered lying on her part. You do not have any diagnosed fertility issues.

We don't have any printed materials about the plans and have to get all of our questions answered by our insurance agent. I also can't picture myself telling this 50-year-old man about our TTC woes.

I'm sorry that there isn't a better way to get information about the insurance plans but I'm sure the agent is used to answering all sorts of questions. You don't have to give him your history, just say you would like to know about the infertility coverage offered and leave it at that. Its not his business why you are asking and if he is professional and good at his job then he will do nothing but provide you with answers.

Good luck! I hope you won't need that infertility coverage in the end. :)

[ShelbyMay]

Its not his business why you are asking and if he is professional and good at his job then he will do nothing but provide you with answers.


He's a really nice guy, but is not exactly tight-lipped. About anything. :rolleyes: If I talk to him, he'll most likely slip and say something to the plan administrator -- my mom -- in which case, I think it would be better to just tell her myself.

Last time we considered changing plans, all of the employees had to fill out application forms and list any diagnoses, prescriptions, etc. My mom purposely avoided reading the forms so she wouldn't find out people's personal business. Just in her conversations with the insurance agent, she ended up finding out about one employee's pregnancy (not public at the time) and another's mental health care.

[Jane&Andy]

if you think he'll say something to your Mom then I think its a good idea to beat him to the punch.

[jennylou]

I think you should be straight and to the point,

"mom, I'm going to make a suggestion, but I'd really like for you to not ask any further questions. We are currently ttc and have been for six months. Most couples conceive within a year. Obviously, we are not at the point that we need infertility coverage but I'd like you to think about adding that coverage to the plan in the event that a year passes and we do end up needing it."

I think that should be plenty of information for her. She may come back to you and ask you what sort you'd want covered. IF coverage would cost the company more money, so you'll have to be prepared for that as well.

[aprilshowers]

Just to reiterate what Jane said, you have not been diagnosed with any fertility problems and, after only 6 months of TTC, no insurance company would consider you infertile (unless you're over 35). That said, I don't think you need to divulge that you're even TTC at all to anyone, unless you want to. You could just say you know you and DH will eventually want to start a family and, should the need arise, you would like to know about the infertility coverage. Personally, I would talk to your mom about this since it sounds like she has some control over the plan your company chooses. It might not even occur to her that infertility insurance is something people would be interested in but if her own daughter is asking, she might be more inclined to choose a plan which covers it.

As far as the chatty agent, I would guess that unless his job actually requires him to discuss employees' conditions with your mom that what he is doing is illegal.

[karlatta]

I agree with aprilshowers. You don't need to tell your mom the specifics, but tell her that you and your DH are interested in starting a family (as others in the company may also be), and you would like to see if there are any options for infertility coverage. It might help if you also went in with lots of other things to talk about (like kimthebride's list) so that it wouldn't be a conversation just about infertility.

That being said, I told my mom earlier this year that we were having problems TTC, and I asked her to please just let that be information she knows and does not ask about. So far, she has been wonderful. I know she knows our business, but she doesn't make it a big deal, and neither do I. I have been pleasantly surprised by the situation, and you just may be too!

[JJP]

I agree with the others. Even though it may be uncomfortable, I would tell your mom that you're interested in having IF coverage. She doesn't even need to know you've been trying. I had DH ask his benefits office about IF coverage before we even started trying. I just wanted to know what to expect if we do have problems.

[Scooter]

I've gotta say, I'm with Jennylou here. I'd just be straightforward. First of all, as far as you know and at only 6mos ttc, there is no problem. So there's nothing to be embarrassed about. It would be far more embarrassing to ask another person & have your mom find out 3rd hand or to try to mention it in a list of things. Those ideas would be great if we were talking about just your boss, but this is your mom. If you end up needing the coverage, it's very possible she's going to find out then, anyway, and also having the extra moral support is something to consider.

I know it's a hard thing to face, but honestly there is nothing to be embarrassed about, even with your mom. I felt that way at first, but after I told my mom I realized it's actually not embarrassing at all. It's not a shameful secret or anything, and it's not something anyone can control. And I have to add, if you do have to undergo an infertility workup or anything, you'll definitely be over the embarrassment factor quickly. ;)

[ShelbyMay]

I bit the bullet and asked her today. I ended up saying something like, "Do you think you'll talk to (insurance agent) soon? Would you ask him if either of the plans you're considering include any sort of infertility coverage?" She looked a little surprised, but she got back on track quickly and acted like it was a perfectly normal question.

It probably helped that we were in the car and she was driving, so she kind of had to focus on the road. ;)