Would you switch peds?

[Chelsea524]

I am very upset with my childrens ped right now, DH wants me two switch but I am not sure if I want to or not. Up until this point I have LOVED him. He is very pro BFing and even extended BFing, when I take one of my children in he takes a quick look at the others, especially my oldest because of his asthma. If he sees me outside of his office he stops me and askes how the kids are doing by name, we see eye to eye on pretty much everything.

Now what I am upset about; My exDHs live-in, longterm girlfriend decided she wanted to take my oldest DS into the dr when they had him one day last week so that she was on the same page as me and the dr on DSs health. She did this without telling me (and also took him for an eye exam and got glasses even though they knew I had an appt this week for that). She and the Dr discussed his current meds and apparently decided together to change a couple of the meds he's on, one for his asthma and one for ADD! I just cannot believe he would go and change two of my sons longterm meds without talking to me about this, I mean, they see him every other weekend and he thinks they are the people to decide if his meds need changed? And not even his dad but his dads girlfriend? I am upset at all of them right now, this all happened last week and I didn't find out about it until last night when my DS made a comment when taking his meds that he has different meds at his dads house now!

I am calling the ped this afternoon when I get off work to talk to him about this and at the very least tell him that there should be no more changing meds with anyone except for me. This is the first time they have every even met the dr too. So, what would you do in this case?

[Megande]

I would talk to the doctor, but not switch. I'd also be furious at my ex-DH and his girlfriend rather than the doctor, and discuss it with them. I'm not sure about all the legalities, but doesn't each parent have the right to oversee their child's medical care? It might not have been the doctor's best judgment to change your son's medication without talking to you, but it is a difficult (and unfair) spot for him, for sure, and I'd cut him some slack.

[mcgwigan]

Chelsea If your Ex-DH's girlfriend took him to the Dr's office and they did this without a parent or legal guardian present or authorizing it, I would think they's have a lawsuit on their hands! This was really, really wrong of your pediatrician's office to do. I am a stepmom & my DSS lives with us, so I am the one that takes him to mostly all of his Dr's appointments. When I started taking him to his pediatricians they had my DH sign an authorization form authorizing me to take him and make decisions for his health care.

I would definately call the DR's this afternoon like you were planning and make it known that you are unhappy with this turn of events. Go from there based on their response. I'd say that if they brush it off or sound like it's no big deal, I would probably want to change Dr's (if it were me). See what they are going to do to prevent this sort of an occurance in the future. You should not have been left out of a decision to change his meds or health care!

ETA: I'm under the understanding that the girlfriend took him to the Dr's & that ex-DH wasn't there, right?

[jh124]

Chelsea If your Ex-DH's girlfriend took him to the Dr's office and they did this without a parent or legal guardian present or authorizing it, I would think they's have a lawsuit on their hands! This was really, really wrong of your pediatrician's office to do.

I'm also positive it's a violation of federal HIPPA laws that prevent the disclosure of health information.

How is your custody agreement framed? Is there a primary custodian? That person should make all the health/education/etc decisions. If it is joint justody, there should still be a line or two about who has final say on this stuff.

[Chelsea524]

Ex-DH was not there, and yes I am livid with them too, but that is usual. We have a very poor relationship that I have posted about before, this is the man that let our DS who was 6 at the time, go around with a .22 pistol by himself while camping and DS ended up shooting himself in the leg. We have a very tense relationship to say the least. I am not sure if she told the Dr they were married or not, they claim to be married when it suits them but as far as I am aware they never have gotten married. I plan on discussing this with ex-h as well but I am just torn on what to do about the ped.

With custody, I have full physical custody, while we both have a say in his medical services I have the final say.

[mcgwigan]

I'm also positive it's a violation of federal HIPPA laws that prevent the disclosure of health information.


Yes, I would think. In fact, I had a D&C a while ago and DH was beyond bored waiting for them to release me after the procedure, so he read my whole entire file. The nurse totally bawled him out for it and would not even listen to me that they do have a Health Care Proxy in their office accross the street giving him permission to access all my medical info.

[Ericka_Jarett]

I would call the ped and just ask them why meds were changed without your permission or knowledge. Just let them know nicely that you are the one that has to give authorization for any changes in meds or discussion of your son's health. Let them know you were not happy to find out meds were changed and you were unaware. Ask them to make a note on the chart for your son that should he ever come to the office without you, you are to be contacted immediately.

I switched from DS's ped due to us not seeing eye to eye on a certain vaccine and them pushing me at every visit. So when I had the twins got a great recommendation and we moved DS to them as well.

[kindermom]

I would have a serious talk with the ped. Depending on the outcome I would switch.

[kristin]

I am really sorry that happened to you. As a mother, I would be absolutely livid that someone else was messing with my children's meds!

If you previously liked your ped, I'd tread lightly there. In my experience, good peds are really hard to find, and you might find yourself hopping around from practice to practice searching for another good relationship. A ped that will look at your other kids, even though only one has an appointment is unheard of these days!

Try not to blame your ped personally- the office staff has to take the blame on this one. I've got to imagine, it is very difficult for a doctor's office to figure out what they can and cannot do with a child who is presented for care. I really can't blame them for assuming that this woman was allowed to do this and more than likely, they probably thought she was the mother.

I know most people think their doctors know them on a first name basis, but that is simply not the case most of the time. Your doctor probably sees dozens of patients in a week and unless you are there on a weekly basis, probably did not know that this woman did not have the right to consent for your child (or again, he might have thought she was the mother). He is your only pediatrician, but you are one of thousands to him!

I'd write a strongly worded letter to the office manager, letting them know what happened and suggest they keep this letter in your child's file so that they know there is an issue and it won't happen again. Although I'm really not sure how they would handle it if your ex-DH accompanied your child? You may need to get some legal document that states you have complete say over your child's medical care.

[MrsBeckyLP]

Try not to blame your ped personally- the office staff has to take the blame on this one. I've got to imagine, it is very difficult for a doctor's office to figure out what they can and cannot do with a child who is presented for care. I really can't blame them for assuming that this woman was allowed to do this and more than likely, they probably thought she was the mother.

I know most people think their doctors know them on a first name basis, but that is simply not the case most of the time. Your doctor probably sees dozens of patients in a week and unless you are there on a weekly basis, probably did not know that this woman did not have the right to consent for your child (or again, he might have thought she was the mother). He is your only pediatrician, but you are one of thousands to him!

In her OP, chelsea wrote:

If he sees me outside of his office he stops me and askes how the kids are doing by name

It sounds to me like the ped knows exactly who she is. I'm guessing she's not going to a large practice where she is "one of thousands."

I agree with Kindermom. I would talk to the ped and base my decision off the outcome of that conversation. And I would rip my ex-husband and his GF a new asshole. I would be absolutely furious with both of them.

[kristin]

Shrug.

Sorry I missed that in the initial post. Obviously what your ped did violates HIPPA laws and how that it happened is outrageous. But all I'm saying it is difficult for a doctor to understand your family dynamics - he deals with many patients and family. And if you really like this particular one, I wouldn't blow the relationship because of this one(albeit very important) issue. I'm sure it won't happen again once it's addressed.

[BridalLace]

a lot of other people have mentioned other issues that came to my mind, mostly having to do with liability issues etc - a legal guardian is the only person i would assume had the right to talk to your pediatrician about medications and whether to switch them, etc. and i'd think, at least due to liability issues if not for ethical ones, that they'd want to make sure they WERE talking to a legal guardian before doing that. perhaps your pediatrician would like to be informed of past issues regarding the care of your DS when it comes to your ex, i.e. the .22 pistol incident etc......? that might help them to be a bit more wary about deferring decisions to them, esp. if your ex's girlfriend is claiming spousehood whenever its convenient for her.

other issue that comes to mind: overmedicating. isn't that something that should be avoided? he's supposedly going to take medications when he's over at your ex's house AND at your house? isn't this something the doctor would like to avoid if possible? how is this sort of thing handled typically in a case where there are two households? wasn't someone at the ped's office supposed to be making sure this sort of thing - double medication etc - didn't happen - because i'm sure there must be other parents there who share custody etc who run into this. their inept handling of such a thing would be a red flag for me.

hope you work it out.

Heather

[ironhair]

I was thinking the same thing as BridalLace - does he now have two prescriptions? One at each home? If the dosages or meds are different, couldn't that potentially be a very bad thing for your son? That would be my first concern.

Changing peds might not be the answer just yet - the situation could present itself there too. I definitely think the first step is contacting your ped's office to find out what happened (what is their story), and explaining your situation - pointing out how potentially harmful it could be to your DS to have multiple people making medical decisions independent of one another.

Good luck.

[ktsb]

In her OP, chelsea wrote:



It sounds to me like the ped knows exactly who she is. I'm guessing she's not going to a large practice where she is "one of thousands."

But that doesn't mean he knows the arrangement between parents. Perhaps he assumed his office staff wouldn't have let the kids be seen if it wasn't all kosher.

I have to agree this needs to be seriously addressed with the office and the Ped as well. Go with your gut on how it ends up before you decide to look for another Ped.

[Chelsea524]

As for the over medication, that was one of my first concerns, I don't think its a problem because DS states they didn't get the meds filled before he came back from the weekend, but if he didn't mention to me (by accident I think) that they even went to the dr I wouldn't have known any of this, I'm not sure how long they were planning on not telling me but they went to the dr last Friday and I didn't find out about it until last night, it was never mentioned when they dropped him off on Sunday at all. My thought on why that would be is, they are kind of shady people and his ADD meds are a controlled medication with very strict rules, maybe they were getting them purely to sell, that was my first thought, though I don't know and would hope they weren't that stupid.

The dr just called while I was typing, he seemed very sorry about the mix up on this. Exs girlfriend told him she was the stepmom and that we had joint custody. I asked that he make a permanent note that these things need to go through me and he is going to make sure the office knows not to make appts with them, if he's sick when with them they can contact me and I will set up the appt, other than that they have no business there. So for now I think I will stay but it really has made me sad in the fact that I always brag that I have the best ped ever and now I think he's just ok, if that makes sence at all, lol.

[ironhair]

Chelsea524 - Do you wonder/worry that your Ex may just take him to another medical provider if they learn they won't get anywhere with your current ped? I don't mean to be pesimistic, or give you one more thing to think/worry about - it would just eat at me, and I wouldn't know what to do to prevent it. I'm sorry for your situation.

[jenjunum]

I had a feeling that was how it was presented to the dr. It sounds like it's more of a problem with your ex & his girlfriend than the doctor. But it does seems like there should be a better way to deal with this kind of thing. For all your ped knows YOU could be the one lying. It sounds like a rough situation. I still think your ped sounds great though. I wish mine were more open-minded.

[catmom]

Sorry, this stinks.

I keep thinking this is more of a problem with the custody arrangement than with the dr, though. How did your ex manage to keep partial custody (or unsupervised visitation) after letting your DS play with a loaded gun??

[kristin]

Chelsea - I'm glad you were able to talk to your doctor about it, and I'm sorry that it's changed your good relationship with him. If I were you, I would feel totally violated by the situation, your feelings are totally understandable.

Catmom brings up a good point about you having no control if they try to bring him to a different healthcare provider. Do you think your DS is old enough to learn that he is only supposed to go to the doctor with his mom? Could you teach him to tell any doctor he sees that only his mom is supposed to make medical decisions? I know it's alot to put on a child, but it doesn't sound like you can trust the other adults in his life.

[ejs]

Sorry, this stinks.

I keep thinking this is more of a problem with the custody arrangement than with the dr, though. How did your ex manage to keep partial custody (or unsupervised visitation) after letting your DS play with a loaded gun??

This. And not only playing with a gun, but shooting himself with it.

[BeachBum]

I think you are treating your Ped a bit harshly. I really don't believe that he should be required to go out and verify that every adult that presents a child for care at his office is legally entitled to do so. Crazy girlfriend lied to him...Now that he knows the truth he seems very willing to do things your way.

While you certainly can't control what the father does, I would encourage you to let everyone know (Doctor, Dentist, School, DCP etc etc) with a formal letter for the file that the Dad and "step mom" don't get a say--and that they are likely to lie to get their way. Hopefully this would prevent an incident like this in the future.

I personally would be so angry with the Dad about this, I would document the incident and try to take him back to court to change / eliminate visitation.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Having a note made big and bold on the child's file is sure to catch the attention of the office staff should her son come in without her again. It's not an unreasonable thing to ask that the note be made as she has done. The ped is in an weird position since the gf lied about having joint custody. But hopefully now that he is aware and they have a note on the file it will hopefully eliminate any issues with the ped again and the relationship can be made good again.

[miaclear]

Agree with some of the PP. The Dr seems more than apologetic and willing to work with you in the future. If you switch Peds now you'll likely not have the same relationship and probably just end up back at square one. I'd stick with this Ped since you really like him. Going forth he'll know you're #1 in your son's medical decision making.

[amew]

I would be furious at the situation, but if the ped was actually lied to and is now apologetic, I would be inclined to cut him some slack. I would also, however, seriously consider attempting to modify my custody order in light of the combination of the gun incident and the girlfriend's actions.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It absolutely sucks.

[BusyBee21]

I agree, tread lightly with the Ped, now that you have spoken with him directly.

As for DS shooting himself with a gun, why is your ex-DH even allowed joint custody? That would have sent me over the edge and no judge in his right mind should allow that parent unsupervised visitation after that happened. That's crazy.

[Chelsea524]

I think you are treating your Ped a bit harshly. I really don't believe that he should be required to go out and verify that every adult that presents a child for care at his office is legally entitled to do so. Crazy girlfriend lied to him...Now that he knows the truth he seems very willing to do things your way.

I personally would be so angry with the Dad about this, I would document the incident and try to take him back to court to change / eliminate visitation.
I am upset with the dr because, I have taken my son to him for over 7 yrs now, and with his asthma I am in there quite often, he knows me well. The very first time he even meets "stepmom" he changes two of his meds that he takes on a daily basis without even a thought of consulting me, who he knows is the primary caregiver, even if he did think we had joint custody. I am the one around him 80% of the time, I know how his meds are working on a daily basis, especially his meds for ADD, which he doesn't take on weekends most of the time, therefore ex-h and "stepmom" never see him on it so wouldn't be able to give a proper review of how he is on that medication. I am very angry with ex-h but still thought that the dr should have been a little more responsible as well. But as I have already posted, I do understand where he was coming from a little and am not planning on switching right now.
As for DS shooting himself with a gun, why is your ex-DH even allowed joint custody? That would have sent me over the edge and no judge in his right mind should allow that parent unsupervised visitation after that happened. That's crazy.

How did your ex manage to keep partial custody (or unsupervised visitation) after letting your DS play with a loaded gun??
Trust me, this was a very huge issue. I tried very hard to get charges pressed against him and I did try to get visitation rights revoked but the police listed as a freak accident and would not press charges and since it was listed that way the judge would not touch his visitation but did warn him not to let anything like that happen again. Trust me, it is still a very sore spot in our relationship. I had a thread about it on here but can't seem to find it.

[loving624]

Hi Chelsea!

I am so sorry you have been put in this position. I think now that you have talked to the dr and there is a big note in their file you can just see how it goes for a while. Still stinks though.

Ugh seems ridiculous that they wouldn't press charges he was just a little boy with a loaded gun by himself....you would think that would be enough for any police officer, I'm sorry it wasn't. That would be a VERY sore spot for me as well

[Julss05]

I would ask them what their policy is and possibly switch. Our ped office had us put in writing who specifically is allowed to bring our son in for care. In my opinion it should be mandatory.

[Eliezrah]

I have to say that even though the doc knows you are the one who is there almost all the time and was wrong for changing DS's meds w/o your consent, I can sort of see his side (the ped's, not your Ex's). I've had my mom take my kids to the doc on occasion. Granted there was no medicine changes or anything, but since I never put a note in saying no one else could take them, it was allowed. I think your ped's office is doing everything right to make sure this never happens again. {{HUGS}}