Have you ever done something you are really not proud of?

[Kelly's Girl]

And how did you handle it? Did you come clean, or keep it from the persons who would be affected? If you told, was it out of guilt or did the other person really have a need to know?

[Reenie]

I'm sure we all have. I know I have done several. There are times when you should tell and times when you shouldn't, IMO. It depends on the situation.

Sorry that you seem to be going through a rough time.

[Lanapoo]

Numerous times. Usually it involves my big mouth and I say something hurtful. :( I think all you can do is try to do better, I know I am. I hate that I've hurt people and I think I'm getting better at thinking before I speak...It sucks when you've done something that you're not proud of and I think if you feel really bad about it then that shows that you're a good person and will make you think twice before doing something similar. (((HUGS)))

[IrisHope]

I can't imagine anybody alive can say they have never done anything they are not proud of. If you are feeling guilty try to make restitution, vow to never do it again and then forgive yourself.

[cr8zyforaf]

We all make mistakes. I have said some very hurtful things in the past - most recently I sent a snarky e-mail about someone to a bunch of other people and accidently included the person I was ragging on. It was awful - but a wake up call. She was/is a good friend of mine and it was a horrible, pointless e-mail sent for the pure reason of getting a laugh. The best you can do is try to make restitution and learn from the experience.

[villanelle75]

Yup. On a drunken trip to Mexico, I kissed the boy my best friend was hooking up with at the time. (They weren't serious, so I won't call it dating.) She was actually fairly amused and claims to this day to never have been pissed or hurt. I'm not sure I buy that completely, but I was honest about it, even though it was humiliating to own up to something so awful, and she was forgiving, and that was the end of it. I still feel ashamed when thinking about it, but I made peace with her over it and that's that.

[Kelly's Girl]

Thank you all for responding.

It is true, as IrisHope and cr8zy4af said, that surely everyone has done something shameful, or that they wish they could take back. (Okay, as an aside again, cr8zy, your name always makes me think of "Crazy for Aunt Flo!" I know that probably isn't what it stands for, but it pops in my head nonetheless!)

My personal demon, so to speak, is that I made some poor choices some time ago, and I feel my DH would be extremely hurt if he knew. I was in a very, very bad, depressed place, one I have vowed never to let myself return to. My doc said I wasn't myself then, but I don't feel that wholly absolves me from responsibility. Although I am trying really hard to follow this advice:
If you are feeling guilty try to make restitution, vow to never do it again and then forgive yourself

Reenie, I guess I'm trying to decide if this is a "tell" time, or "keep it to myself" time. My doc said it would serve no purpose to tell but to absolve my conscience, and would hurt those around me. But I still feel like a heel.
And Lanapoo, thank you for the hugs and the words of support. I *hope* it means I'm not a total shitbag that I would never, ever, in a hundred million years do anything similar again, but it still gnaws at me.

I try to be a good person, and a better person than I was "before" (in the bad time of depression) but sometimes it's hard to forgive myself and move on...

Sorry, I know this is kind of vague and odd, but I NEED to get it out. Thank you for your help and support.

[Asha]

i think it depends about telling the person. personally, if you have learned from your mistake, and you know you will never do it again, i don't think you need to tell the person. why risk a relationship over something that you have already made ammends with and know in your heart that you are sorry for? the other person will never truly know that you will never do that thing again, and will forever have doubts and trust issues with you if you tell.

[Alicia]

Kelly's Girl, is there a way you can put it in perspective.... i recently did something that i'm not proud of in order to take the "easy/no consequence" way of getting out of something, it was certainly not the RIGHT thing to do. it was one of those situations where i literally felt like i had the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other bickering back and forth. (i went to a movie right after it happened and couldn't enjoy it one bit).... it's been about 2 weeks since the event, and i've been able to slowly let go of the guilty feelings, because i put it in perspective.... when i look at my life as a whole, i've generally been a good person- always obeying the law, always doing the "right" thing, etc. etc....in fact i've gotten burned severely by being the good/honest person..... so I resolved it by telling myself that nobody is perfect, and that given the scope of my life if this is the worst thing I've done, that it's not too shabby and definitely not something to get worked up over. in your situation, since this happened during a dark period of your life, i really think you should look towards the future (it's obvious to me that this isn't something you're going to do again) rather than dwell on that awful part of your life. good luck!!!!!

[DiscoDiva]

My personal demon, so to speak, is that I made some poor choices some time ago, and I feel my DH would be extremely hurt if he knew. I was in a very, very bad, depressed place, one I have vowed never to let myself return to. My doc said I wasn't myself then, but I don't feel that wholly absolves me from responsibility. Although I am trying really hard to follow this advice:
If you are feeling guilty try to make restitution, vow to never do it again and then forgive yourself
I guess I'm trying to decide if this is a "tell" time, or "keep it to myself" time. My doc said it would serve no purpose to tell but to absolve my conscience, and would hurt those around me.

We all have done things in the past that we regret. I wholly agree with your doctor saying that it serves no purpose to tell. It would make you feel better, but would dump the hurt on everyone else. That's not a good decision. Why should others hurt for something you've done in the past and have vowed to never do again?

But I still feel like a heel. I *hope* it means I'm not a total shitbag that I would never, ever, in a hundred million years do anything similar again, but it still gnaws at me. I try to be a good person, and a better person than I was "before" (in the bad time of depression) but sometimes it's hard to forgive myself and move on...
That feeling that still gnaws at you serves a purpose. It helps you remember what happened, and reminds you to not do it again. It's not there to ruin your life, it's there to help you stay on track and not make the same mistakes again.

It is time to forgive yourself.

[Kelly's Girl]

Again, thank you all for the insightful responses. This is not something I can discuss IRL so I appreciate your help and support more than you know. I want to move past this, and I really needed "permission" to forgive myself.

the other person will never truly know that you will never do that thing again, and will forever have doubts and trust issues with you if you tell. This is so true, Reb, and I agree that the risk is too much. Plus, I don't want to put DH through any heartache in the process, like DiscoDiva said. And Alicia, I am trying for some of that perspective!

DiscoDiva, thank you for the smart response. And for the go-ahead to forgive myself.

Maybe I need to print this for when my resolve to move forward goes soft.

[laurenc]

ohhh there's a 6 month span of my life that i pretty much don't talk about. ever. not even to DH, really. talking to me about that time period, it's almost as if my life is a videotape and i happened to "accidentally" have taped over those 6 months.

[MLA]

I've done things now and then that I'm not proud of -- and a long time ago I did a few things that still make me cringe. But they've helped to shape who I am and I've learned from them. I don't think that telling your DH about what you did will help you, really. It will only make you feel better for a little while until you realize that you've hurt him by telling him. Looking back on it, I'm glad I didn't "come clean" with the person who would have been most hurt by my actions. It would have hurt him then and would probably still be something that hurt him today.

I know it's hard to grasp, but I think in some instances it's less selfish to keep your mistake to yourself and learn from it. It took me some time to realize that.

Learn from your experience. Forgive yourself. And move on with your life, knowing that you'll never make the same mistake again.

[msnicolea]

I think that far too often people "tell" because it makes them feel better, not for the benefit of the person they've injured. Unless someone's physical health/safety is at risk if you don't tell (potential STD, for example) I agree with the other posters--examine why this happened, accept responsibility for your choices, and forgive yourself so that you can move forward, making better choices in the future!

[Kelly's Girl]

I really appreciate the point of view that it is LESS selfish NOT to tell, as MLA posted, and I am trying to wrap my brain around that concept. I agree that others should not hurt just so I can absolve myself and feel better- that wouldn't do anyone any good, would it?

LaurenC, I can totally relate to "fast-forwarding" through a period of life. I kind of want to erase this particular era.

There is no worry of disease or harm to anyone, physically at least, MrsNicolea but that is a good point- I would definitely come clean if I were jeopardizing someone's health. This is more emotional health and well-being, and I would never want my DH to question himself, or us, or anything like that, and I think he would if I spilled it.

Lest anyone thing I had sex with someone else, I did not. However, I am still at fault for not putting DH and marriage first for a period of time, which I regret deeply. I have done so much soul searching and cannot imagine life without DH (a sentiment I surely did not have in the depths of the "sad cave"). I am lucky to have him, and I would not want to hurt him, but often I have dreams that make me realize how badly I could have screwed things up. My subconcious niggling me, I suppose, as DiscoDiva said, it is a reminder to do better in the future.

[Vishenka69]

I also don't think that your relationship or your DH would benefit from coming clean and telling. As long as you learned from the experience and will not repeat it, I would just keep it to yourself. I would concentrate on improving and strengtheing your marriage from this point on. May be writing it down (and burning/destroying the paper afterwards) will make you feel better.

[camberne]

One of the things that my sister and I have always tried to instill in our kids is that once you have done something, it's done. You can't change what you have done, and you have to move on from there. Beating yourself up over having done it is not going to change anything.

Guilt serves a purpose. You seem very remorseful about whatever it is that happened. These feelings of guilt and remorse will hopefully prevent you from repeating that mistake. If this isn't something that has a continuing consequence (other than your guilt), then it's in the past. Leave it there. And try to forgive yourself.